I worked with a nanny agency not local and interviewed my nanny by phone. I felt we had a good connection. We talked a number of times. I looked her up on Google and Facebook and saw only the kinds of things I would want to see. Working through the agency, we flew her out here to start work. We had a contract in place before this. My problem is very sensitive and that is, the nanny is very large. I have no problem with 'fat' or overweight but this nanny is dangerously obese. Besides the fact that she wont have the stamina to play with the children, I fear her having a stroke or something. The only reason I am posting here is because I don't want this person for a nanny but do not want to hurt her unnecessarily. This is something the agency should have known about. The agency fee alone was $3500. This is not an expense our family can just absorb. We will also need to fly the nanny home (new ticket) and give her some sort of severance. She has been here since Saturday. Not to beat a dead horse but to be clear, the nanny is at my best guess between 300 and 400 pounds. I spent the day with her yesterday to show her the ropes but it only solidified it in my head that this will not work. I want to get out of this with as little cost and as much grace as possible. I have not contacted the agency yet because I know they will seek to find me a replacement immediately to keep their fee and this won't work for me because I don't want to work for them and I don't trust how they would handle the feelings of the nanny.
74 comments:
I am totally on your side. I don't think you're being shallow or picky. I think a nanny should be able to run and keep up with children without having to heave and choke every 10 feet. Whether it's an unhealthy diet or genetics the effects or the same. what fun is a nanny to a child when they can't be chased around the playground or run to grab a swing together? The chances that she will have a heart attack or stroke while with your children are slim but they are there.
I wouldn't hire her and if I was paying that much I wouldn't be one bit concerned about saying "Thanks for your time but I think we are considering going in a different direction"
There's nothing wrong with telling the nanny that you are afraid she is not a good fit for your family.
It's completely acceptable to want someone who will be active with your children, and if she's proven that her weight inhibits that, you have nothing to feel guilty about.
It's unclear why you can't just tell the agency exactly what you said here, or why you're so apprehensive to use them again. Most agencies allow a trial period.
As for using an agency in general, as a nanny, I think it's a great tool because they often find the wealthy families who are willing to pay a nanny legally and are offering benefits. But as a parent, I don't understand why they use them. Most agencies in my area advertise on Care.com and Craigslist.
You shouldbe very careful if you flew her out and she lives in your home. She has squatters rights and doesn't have to leave if she doesn't want to.
"...she won't have the stamina to play with the children" tells me you are ASSuming and have no proof to back up your claim yet and are simply using her size to make judgments concerning her health. Good thing you are only discriminating against a fat person, because if you were discriminating against your nanny because of her race, religion, or sexual orientation, for instance, that would be illegal and, ya know...
politically incorrect ;-)
What absolute rubbish. Squatter's rights? Um, no. This is NOT a traditional landlord tenant relationship, and I HIGHLY doubt ejection from the premises would be an issue, since if she tried to stay, she would be considered to be trespassing (this is the OP's primary residence, not a secndary rental property).
she spent the week with the nanny. she was sure to see the nanny getting unusually worn out from some activity. "she won't" = "she would not" that's not assumption talking. that is fact. she knows her kids have energy, are willful, and need someone would can run around with them and keep up.
no one should feel like they have to hire someone just to be politically correct. What if an open lesbian was being interviewed for a family with 4 kids but she had never been around kids, would the mom have to hire her for fear for being politically correct?
Bam. I thought the same thing lol squatters rights?
Nowhere did the OP say the nanny spent a week or that she observed her playing with the children. She ASSumed based on her physical appearance, period. Let an OP come on here complaining she didn't think her new black or gay or Muslim nanny would fit in, and she'd be TORN TO SHREDS.
Btw, a morbidly obese nanny friend of mine can run circles around me when comes to having energy. Skinny does not equal healthy, fat does not equal unhealthy.
@kristen
The op did state she spent the day with her nanny to show her the ropes and that just solidified the fact that the nanny can't keep up. I don't see the op has being horrible just because of the weight but its a factor that keeps the nanny from doing her job. I sense a bit of defensiveness about the topic but in all reality a nanny does need to be able to have energy and not tire easily,
I would let the nanny know that this is not a good fit. You don't have to be stuck with someone who cannot meet the needs of your family. Check and see what the agency's trial period is and see if you can get your money back. Personally, I would be very hesitant to use the same agency.
And this isn't just a situation about weight, its about common sense and applying it. Examples, Jane Doe doesn't really like kids yet she's applying for a nanny position; Jill can't be out in the hot sun yet she applies to be a summer camp counselor; Janet doesn't like getting her weave wet yet she applies to work as a lifeguard.
I know times are tough and everyone needs a job, but c'mon!
It is illegal to hire or fire based upon a persons weight. Not only that, but ridiculously discriminatory as well. I suggest that what you do is see if she can do the job and see if the children get on with her before you presume to now what she is capable of. How dare you assume that because she is over weight she can't perform her duties? I had a nanny that was very overweight and still did a fantastic job.
One of the best things about her is that because she wanted to loose weight she was VERY attentive to eating healthy and getting exercise. When my sons weren't walking yet, she made SURE to put them in the Bob, and go for long walks every day, weather permitting.
Yes, she was fat, but she managed to still be very active with my sons. She played with them on the floor, loved interacting with them at the park, and when they were older, played some very active sports with him like kicking around the soccer ball while they were learning the game.
She was overweight, but she was otherwise healthy. She worked hard at eating right and and exercizing.more importantly, She was REALLY good at her job. A persons weight does not equate to health, or ability. There are many thin people who have high blood pressure and cholesterol. What happens if your thin but middle age nanny strokes out while folding the laundry? Heart disease is rampant in women here in the US, how do you know that a thin nanny won't have THAT and keel over with a heart attack while picking your children from school? You don't. What would happen if you hired a thin or average size person only to find out that she was a type 1 Dabetic? Do you really think that you could justify firing her because theoretically she COULD have a seizure on the job? People like you disgust me.
The question is, "can she do the job?" Your suspicions on her ability are based on prejudices. You want to know why the agency never told you about her weight? I can tell you why... It's illegal to discriminate. Go ahead. Terminate your nanny because she's fat. I sincerely hope she finds this post and sues your smaller than hers, ass.
Its ridiculous to assume that someone weighing 400 pounds is "healthy"
Wow people are getting so crazy lol! Seriously if you read the post the op gave her a chance and spent the day with the kids but the energy level was not there. You people getting so crazy about her not wanting an overweight nanny would prob be the first ones sending in posts on here about that same nanny she was bullied into hiring being a horrible bench nanny and not playing with kids at the park. Come on people seriously.....I mean yes it is not right to discriminate but certain jobs do have certain requirements and for a nanny with toddler or preschool children energy and being able to play with them is a requirement.
You hired a nanny sight unseen, and NOW. You want your money back based on appearances? Sorry, but that's not how life usually works. If weight was an issue; you should have, I dunno... met the person before they got the job, or asked for a photo from the agency, or asked them what she weighed in at. Wait. You probably didn't do that, because it would be wrong, right?
I agree with the earlier post, I hope she finds out what you are doing, why, and sues your pants off.
You spent one day showing her the ropes, and you deem that she's too fat to have the energy? Wow. Maybe she's a bit shy and getting a feel for your family. Not many jump in the first day like they have been working there for years. There is always an adjustment period where people learn to get comfortable together. I also think it's kinda crazy to make a judgement on her future work performance capabilities based on one day and then blame it on her size. You flew in the nanny, could she be jet lagged?
Yes, her weight may mean that she doesn't have enough energy to do the job, but making that assumption before taking in all the other possible reasons, or that you had ONLY one day with her is a bit crazy.
Why not take the time to actually get to know her and see what she can do before you think about returning her like an unwanted Christmas present. She's a person, why not give her an actual chance to do the job before you make judgements and assumptions about people because of their weight.
This nanny is probably better off not having you as an employer.
Tell her you've decided to go with someone else, and pay for her ticket home.
Free her up to work for a family that is interested in assessing the skills she has and not only her weight.
I have to nod in agreement with the poster who mention thin could be unhealthy.
I suggest you get in touch with interview mom from the other post. She could give you pointers in how to be frivolous when selecting a nanny.
Something tells me you'd get on famously!
You talked a number of times and didn't think to Skype with her?
I am reporting this post to NAAFP.
You are violating her human rights.
I am the OP. I could tell she was not thin by her FB page, but I am speaking of an exceptionally large person. She took great care to conceal her weight. I am sorry if you don't like it or agree, it is a fact.
@ Elinore.... Seriously? This sight is getting out of control with the second person threatening to call a government agency because of a post. I think the op was sincere in asking advice because she wants to be fair to both the nanny and her children. People are going to be afraid to send in posts for this sight if they keep getting threatened to be reported. I am a very long time supporter of this blog nd love the new direction it is taking but some of these people coming in playing all high and mighty and saying they are going to report posts to agencies....come on people. I think I'm pretty much getting tired of I saw your nanny because of people making things into a way serious deal.
We use an agency and the agency always asks us what our ideal nanny "looks like". By "looks like" they mean, someone who plays soccer in the back yard, can take the kids swimming in the lake, can help keep the kids organized, has an above average IQ and a kind voice for speaking to children.
Under noted, my husband always PUTS
what races he doesn't want and "MUST BE UNDER 175 lbs".
Well if I had time to invest in this fat hating woman, I would but I don't.
Founded in 1969, the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (NAAFA) is a non-profit civil rights organization dedicated to ending size discrimination in all of its forms. NAAFA's goal is to help build a society in which people of every size are accepted with dignity and equality in all aspects of life. NAAFA will pursue this goal through advocacy, public education, and support.
THERE IS NO DIGNITY IN WEIGHING 400POUNDS!
I couldn't have an overweight nanny working for me just the same as I couldn't have an uneducated nanny working for me.
Let's face it, in Boston, your nanny is as important as the vehicle you drive. I want all the bells and whistles and I want everyone to know I have it all.
Fat may not have been an issue but morbidly obese is. There is a difference between a rotund nanny and one that could trip on the stairs and take out not only both of your kids but cause structural damage to your foundation.
Please let me know from where you will be flying her. I don't want her next to me on the plane.
Kristen, you are right on. Why is it ok to discriminate against a person for being fat? The OP made no mention of her energy level. Maybe she used to weight 600 pounds and is on her way down. Maybe she's more physically active than one would think from looking at her, maybe she's a completely amazing nanny. Too bad OP won't give her a chance. She doesn't want a fat nanny.
Call the agency, tell them your policy is "No Fat Chicks", and they'll probably drop you for being a total bigot. Keeping your fee, of course.
I am going to open a nanny agency called the Jolly Nanny Agency.
If you lined up all the nannies end to end, the best ones would be overweight.
That's a fact, you sikko fat hating meanie!
Would it be possible to get the nanny on a scale?
Would she even be able to weigh on a scale?
My scale goes up to 300.
I don't think it is unreasonable to hire a nanny who could weigh on a regular bathroom scale.
Having said that, I withhold judgment until I get an actual weight & height on this nanny. For all I know the OP is an anorexic, body hating nutcake who sees a size 14 and imagines that means 400 lbs.
Please respond.
OP,
I understand your post and I am sorry you are being bashed. You said she is a live in nanny. Are people even considering that you are responsible for feeding this person? It will take about 6000 calories per day to sustain a 400 lb person. Who pays for that?
I would cut my losses and fly her home with a generous severance.
you have the chance to change someones life here. is she really so heavy? is she a good person? kind? why not put her on a diet and allow her to remain employed if she loses 10 lbs per month?
I'm truly shocked and appalled by much of the commentary.
I'm also appalled by the original post, but not surprised.
Why is this so complex for you to solve? cease working with the agency. Release the nanny you have now and pay for her return flight. Start looking for your new ideal nanny and make sure you request BMI & Photos ( rolls eyes in disgust)
Liddy, so your nanny is little more than accessory?
Good to know you think of the person that cares for your child in the same terms you think of your shoes and handbag.
Good grief!
She could stroke out while driving.
I wouldn't leave her alone with my kids. My only question is why is she still there?
It's sad that two thirds of our country is overweight/obese and having it be the "norm".
Contrary to popular opinion, your health does decline with excess body fat, you're put at a higher risk for diseases, and you don't gain that weight from fruits and veggies.
"liddy" makes me gag.
What's up with the fat shaming? Let's stop debating whether or not fat can be healthy, because her/any other fat person's health is not what you all are concerned with.
I'm a fat nanny. I regularly work 14 hour days with twin toddlers - I get on the floor and play with the kids. I chase them around the park. I play soccer with the oldest. I even take the twins on runs in the stroller. My weight has NEVER been an issue.
OP: the decision is ultimately up to you, but you clearly thought your nanny was good enough when you hired her and I think she deserves a chance. Give her a week or two - see how she interacts with your kids and ask them how they feel about her. She might be wonderful. If her performance doesn't live up to the standards you've set for other nannies in the past or her weight seriously impedes her ability to safely care for your kids, then send her on her way. Good luck.
wow. just wow. I don't think this is what the OP wanted! OP, don't work with that agency again. Demand payment returned in full. Tell them you don't want the nannys feeling hurt and remind them THEY ARE TO BLAME! Not the nanny and not you.
I'm thin, in good shape, and have been BLESSED with a good metabolism. And yet, I don't think that gives me license to judge others who are overweight. Just because someone isn't thin doesn't mean she is a bad person or unhealthy. I know tons of thin people who go to extremes to stay that way, or who drink like fish, or who smoke and do drugs. The OP has been back to stress how large this woman is, but she couldn't take the time to discuss whether her nanny was capable of keeping up with her kids. At this, I call BS. She doesn't like her because of preconceived notions based on her weight (or has already had them dispelled, which is why she won't answer those questions).
I can't believe so many bigoted, small-minded, hateful people frequent this site. Someone who specifies what type of RACE they don't want for a nanny? WHAT.THE.HECK?!!??!!?
On the person who specifies what "race" you don't want - that's illegal, no way around that one, and I'm shocked that an agency would oblige that, since THEY could get in serious trouble for fulfilling such a request.
Nanny agencies will fulfill whatever you ask. They may not mark down what race you want but they will fulfill it, that is one way they still fulfill the need.
Thank you for this. We are working with a nanny agency in Utah that specializes in Mormon nannies from Utah and haven't started the interview process yet, but I think I will request a tele interview or Skype. I am concerned though how I would get the nanny to reveal her girth, because you can hide a lot if you want to. Seriously, what could you say if you just had a headshot and needed more of a physical barometer?
I have a simple solution for you. My sister in law does this when she screens domestics by phone.
"We have dogs, do you have any allergies... We have a pool, do you swim? ...we sometimes copter to our weekend house..do you exceed the 250 weight limit"
I guess instead of copter you could say go to amusement parks or have a tandem bicycle. I don't know. Be creative.
OP,
Didn't they give you a copy of her driver's license? Even if she lied on the application, she would have to have lied by more than 100 pounds to be suitable.
If we were talking about say a Puerto Rican instead of a 350 lb person, would THAT BE OKAY?
I think not!
Hello OP,
You were dealt a blow. You got a defective nanny. Fortunately she was only fat and not you know, psychotic. I don't believe they are returnable, but they are exchangeable.
Seriously, get over yourself.
People are suffering in this world.
You are fools if you think 300-400 pounds is HEALTHY. Any doctor will tell you that being over weight is the definition of unhealthy. OP has EVER right to fire a nanny that is so obese that she can't keep up with kids. Good for you OP!
Feel lucky. The airlines could have forced you to buy her two tickets, causing even more financial woe,
If you are returning the item for a refund to your original payment method, you should receive your refund within 2 weeks of the carrier having received your item.
I feel very sad for this person unwelcome in this family's home and so far from her own home. Have you no compassion? Before she is a nanny, she is a person!!!
Legally, the nanny cannot be liable and does not have to refund your money. The reason being you cannot put any of this in writing because you cannot say you don't want to hire her because she is fat and the agency cant not employ her based on that. You had better hope she hasn't caught wind of this because she could go to a doctor and get a clean bill of health and then what? She could sue you for so much you would dream of the days when you were worried about a piddly 3500K.
I have heard so many parents struggle with how to get a nanny out of their homes. What we need is a machine, kind of like the one that comes along and picks up tree debris to roam suburban neighborhoods and pick up and properly dispose of the no longer viable nannies.
omg this is so a pain & suffering lawsuit waiting to be filed
I just hope this nanny doesn't find out about all of this.
Wow, where are you people all from? What world is it OK to treat humans, our care givers, with such disregard? I am a mom, and a nanny, for 33 years. Educated, exceptional references, lifelong friends with some of my families. I am fat, fat all my life. I also stand out physically, due to thin hair, just genetics, nothing wrong. I weigh 200 ILS, 5'7", now at 53 years old. Strong, healthy, on the floor playing, carrying around 20 pound baby's.
I worked with a small day care, 6 children, when I was pregnant, weighing in at 245, I kept up with 4 active toddler boys, on my own, no problem, I was 40 at the time.
I am also a trained Postpartum Doula.
I have been discriminated against due to my looks.
I conducted a test on care.com. I did not post my photo for a long time, received many inquiries, met some people, some worked out, some not. I posted my photo on care.com, for one month, not a single response, removed the photo, within days, my account was active again.
I am exceptional at my job, kids love me, because I love them, accept them for who they are. I am always honest and genuine with them. I am a comforting presence in their lives, because I am kind, fun, confident and engaging.
I would not want to work with shallow people anyway, so I guess in the end, my "a-typical look", saves me a lot of weeding out of the shallow, small minded, self righteous people out there.
Being morbidly obese, does present health problems, just the facts.
It is the way you are talking about this human being, that has me seeing, "TRUE UGLY" in the world.
Elinore, you are so right! A morbidly obese nanny is a wonderful role model for children. I am sure she would do heck of a job making kids eat carrots for snack! Report all who dare to discriminate those wonderful obese people who bring such energy and positive influence. My only wish is that the portion of my tax that covers medical insurance prorated on the % of expense that goes toward junky and sugar-related illness, become even greater. Who would want that? We need more organizations who dedicate their time and funds to fight for obesity.
Yesterday, a very large lady took 3 and a half seats in metro, yelled at poor old woman who rubbed her body of her (it was crowded), and then went back to her large container of Edy's ice cream. I never been so proud.
Pfff
Clearly a fatty here.
You can fire a person for any damn reason you want as a private employer with less than 30 employees.
Violating human rights is a big deal.
She just doesn't sound like a "good fit" for your family...no pun intended of course (!!) LOL.
Anyway, it is true that obese people tend to have more health issues and less energy.
It looks like she could be a potential liability for you if you keep her.
I would give her a chance to prove herself however since I do not like to categorize people in a negative fashion. While it is a FACT that overweight people have more health issues than people at a healthy weight, there will always be that exception to the rule.
However if you really do not feel comfortable w/her weight and it really weighs on you...again no pun intended....then by all means gently let her know you do not think it is a suitable match. Offer her a decent severance package since she is being let go due to no fault of her own.
She never misrepresented herself to you and honestly, I think she is being let go unfairly, but at this point, I know nothing I say will get you to change your mind.
I hope things do not get messy. Make plenty sure you pay for her flight home and be nice about it. Offer to give her glowing references and do not let her know the real reason she is being let go. If so, you might be sued.
I don't know if i'd want my chilisten exposed to deviants (( chubby chasers)).
If her waist is larger than 34", she is in danger of having a stroke, diabetes, cancer, heart attack, etc.
She is not in the right health to be in full charge of anyone else at this point.
Please choose a name. Posting as anonymous is as lame as acvidentally employing a gigantress for a nanny.
I assume the nanny is a white american.
Please learn to spell. Posting like an idiot is as lame as... well, your posts with their "gigantress" errors.
How is making up an identity for each comment any different than just being anonymous, Samamtha?
I had a similar situation like this, working in a childcare for one day as a supervisor before the owner decided I couldn't handle it. Really? After one day, I can't handle the job?
Same thing applies here. How do you know she can't handle the job? Secondly, how do you know how much she weighs? She could weigh under 300 and carry it differently. I am a plus sized gal, and when I told a friend of mine how much I thought I weighed, she didn't believe me, telling me I carry it well. Others have said the same thing.
Second thing, how do you know the number on the scale? Did you welcome her into her your home and say "'you can put your things over there. Then come over here and step on the scale'". Perhaps she gained the weight due to a death in the family, a break-up, divorce, or an injury. Things like this happen. Maybe she is ready to lose the weight, has done research and is ready to do it.
Did you see her interact with the children? How she conducts herself? Do your children seem to like her? This is how you know a nanny is right for you. If more parents conducted working interviews, parents wouldn't have to search numerous times for a nanny.
So what do you really want? Would you rather have a lazy, fit or plus size park bench nanny who is a nanny for a paycheck not liking children at all, or would you rather have a fit or plus size active nanny who enjoys what she does, which is work with children?
Nannies, like early childhood educators, come in all shapes and sizes: I am plus size, and I am able to work with infants. I love to take them for walks in the stroller. I can keep up with active toddlers, twos, preschoolers by playing games, especially tag. I can also keep up with school agers during games like "Capture The Flag". I am who I am as an educator and nanny, and my physical appearance has nothing to do with how I do my job, nor should it have anything to do with how your nanny does her job.
Somehow I believe your entire rant has more to do with your own insecurities, worried about what your neighbors may think if you have an overweight nanny. Personally, I would love to know what the nanny thinks of you.
Have you ever considered staying home with your children? You are after all their mother, right?
My waist is 35" and I am a boxer.
So suck it. You're wrong.
Robin Lewis, author of The New Rules of Retail, spoke to Business Insider about the kind of people Jeffries wants advertising his brand.
“He doesn’t want larger people shopping in his store, he wants thin and beautiful people,” Lewis said. “He doesn’t want his core customers to see people who aren’t as hot as them wearing his clothing. People who wear his clothing should feel like they’re one of the ‘cool kids.’”
I knew this would be a popular thread as soon as it was posted. I suspect the OP knew as well when she sent it in.
Miss Dee, I completely agree with everything you just said. I'm a large lady also and have never had trouble keeping up with kids. I've also had friends tell me I carry my weight well and are shocked when they hear the actual number. Also, congrats on the graduation! I graduated in December and now my college has been bugging me to sign up for the spring graduation. Oh hells no, I have much better things to do!
If she was 400 pounds OP would have had to buy a second plane ticket. I have family members who work for different airlines and that is the policy with most major airlines. Perhaps OP is exaggerating?
I'm a size 16 who works full-time as an LPN in a psych unit AND nannies part time AND goes to school AND volunteers on the weekend. I go on walks with my charges, take them swimming, play chase, and dance like crazy to Kidz Bop. I am active and so are my charges. Could I stand to lose weight? Absolutely. Am I 100% healthy? No. But none of my responsibilities suffer because of my weight.
@Venus:
So your waist is 35" and you are a boxer? I don't get it.
Being only one inch longer than the recommended waist diameter is nothing to worry about.
But if someone has a 45" waist, then that could be a bigger problem...NOT literally mind you. LOL.
I hope the nanny is able to find a wonderful family to work for that judges her based on how she cares for their children.
I hope she finds a job quickly too, she must be desperate to fly out for an interview.
May I ask why you would hire someone (out of state esp) sight unseen? Is this common in your area? Are there not many local nannies? Talking to someone on the phone is not a replacement for meeting them in person. The family I work for interviewed 12 nannies before hiring me. They apparently liked what they saw on profiles/resumes but didn't connect in person. I would suggest trying to find a local nanny if you cannot afford flying a nanny out for a "trial period."
This sounds like it was made up.
I have a hard time believing decent parents would hire a nanny sight unseen. Did the op personally check the nannies references? I have used agencies in the past and always personally call the nannies references more than 1 time. I would never just go by what a agency tells me or has written on paper.
I hope all of you who posted your requirements for a fit nanny accessory thing are happy when you walk in on your husbands fucking them because they're sick of your dried up, stretched out vag!
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