CL-WTF?

Saturday, August 29, 2009


.... WHAT?!

Feature Ad:
1) Seeking a Nanny, Housekeeper and part time Trauma Nurse (Portland)
We run a small home business and we have three special needs children. We have a very active home with lots of energy and a periodically broken volume knob. We would like someone who is self motivated, dependable, not afraid of hard work and excited to work with children. We would like this person to have at least two years experience working with children, some experience working with children with disabilities preferred, current CPR and first aid training, at least two professional references and knowing how to operate multiple remotes to multiple devices would be a huge plus. That’s what we would like; but if you’re brave enough to walk through the front door, well, that just might do. We need help with: getting the kids off the bus after school, home work, cleaning their rooms, playing board games with ever evolving and unidentified rules, making and serving meals, cleaning up after meals, changing poopy diapers, changing poopy underpants, referee sibling conflicts, soothing agitated moods, singing the veggie tales theme song, vacuuming, that’s not yours, organizing the art cabinet or keeping the five year old occupied while I do, some grocery shopping and putting it away, getting this child out of that child’s room and putting all the toys this child took out of that child’s room and spread across the living room floor back in that child’s room, cleaning the crayon marks off the wall this child made while you were helping that=2 0child get their toys back, changing beds, getting kids into pajamas, I just cleaned that!!!, privacy means you don’t go outside naked, put that back, deciphering the speech therapist’s handwriting, folding laundry or standing watch over the three WMDs while I do it, explaining why we have to wear pants if the babies don’t, picking up toys outside, will you please stop bugging him, taking out the garbage, some gardening, telling the boys to take their hand out of there, for the love of God let Mommy finish just one cup of coffee, please, PLEASE!, oh my God where did you get that!, playing NERF dart tag while knowing that no matter how the game goes you have to loose and fall to the ground and let the kids fall on your kidneys like a trampoline, fixing broken toys, art projects, running to the post office and the bank and Walgreens for compression bandages and then the liquor store, backing me in any argument I’m having with the husband, don’t put the used Kleenex back in the box, reading stories, playing dress up, making pretend hamburgers, singing the veggie tales theme song, taking a turn standing watch over the youngest during a psychotic episode, organizing the office, setting up the fisher price train, getting out the stickers and some paper, getting the two oldest into the bath and keeping the youngest out of the bath, finding the source of20“that smell”, helping to hold the oldest down while we attempt to administer ear drops, scraping stickers off the TV and digging some paper out of the heat register, because girl lobsters wear makeup, putting in a new DVD-CD-game cartridge-DVD -game cartridge-CD-cartridge-DVD-CD-CD-CD …, soothing head tooth toe ear knee belly aches, cleaning up any manner of biological fluids emitted from a child’s body that were probably intended to appear in a different form or from a different orifice, please go bug somebody else, please let there be enough hot water left for just one more shower, will you please do that in your room, remembering that my kids are neither evil or malicious, cuddles, do you need to go potty, did you flush the toilet, did you wash your hands, did you use soap and water, why is the water still running, please turn off the light, ARE YOU WET!!, some filing, proofreading e-mails and CL posts before I send them … obviously, what did you just flush down there?!?, taking the kids out to the zoo or the mall, going for special days at the park or the pool, going on discovery walks, carrying the middle child back when he discovers his knees are too sore to walk back on his own, finding the !!BLUE!! shirt, ushering the children out of the bathroom when the toilet overflows, finding the plunger and plunging the toilet, singing the veggie t ales theme song, ushering the children out of the bathroom when the toilet overflows again after we tried to flush it before completely clearing the blockage, letting Daddy believe he was the first one to get his little girl to say that clearly, convincing the little girl that Mommy isn’t the only one that can change her poopy diapers, for the last time (again) TURN THAT DOWN!, that’s not a jungle gym, Where-Are-Your-Pants?, taking the ninth turn today reading Dr Seuss’ “One Foot Two Foot”, wrapping gifts, planning parties, going over board with decorations and party favors, changing a wet accident for the fifth time today, undressing muddy children at the back door, mopping the mud off the floor from the one that ran past, telling the youngest not to eat that off the floor, telling the oldest that we just told the youngest not to eat that and that means them too, telling them all that we only have two hands and to not ask again, finding the letter M, playing tickle monster, encouraging me while I try to convince my husband that his aging and saggy body is still as hot as it was at 25, convincing me that when he says I’m as hot as I was at 25 he’s clearly just stating the obvious, why are all the cups and forks in the laundry hamper?, reminding me to calm down when the grouchy old man at the grocery store runs into my handicapped child with his cart because they weren’t getting out of his way fast enough, singing the veggie tales theme song, this is not a playroom, making sure all the kids get the right medication at the right time and it all gets recorded properly, making sure my husband and I get our blood pressure medication, knowing when my husband is right but making sure he doesn’t know I’m ready to admit it, getting everybody’s socks in the right drawer, keeping clean towels and toilet paper in the bathrooms (and yes; making sure the paper rolls the right way), polishing off that box of wine on Friday night after the rest of the house is asleep and the lunch dishes still aren’t washed, vacuuming under the cushions, finding out which side of the window those finger prints are on, finding my phone, finding my keys, finding the $100 universal remote that was supposed to operate everything seamlessly, finding a way to get that darn veggie tales theme song out of my head. And maybe, just maybe if we get time off for good behavior. We could get someone to watch the kids while the husband and I go out for a quiet grown-up night, with mood lighting and wine glasses. A romantic evening just for two; playing footsie below the table and holding hands above the table with our eyes locked in that loving gaze that only two people, who have been together as long20as we, could have. But, probably still talking about what we think the kids might want to do next week. So, if you’ve read this far and still have even an inkling of interest we’re offering $9.00 an hour for afternoon and weekend help, overnight respite care is negotiable and all the “Gold Fish” crackers you can wrestle from the kids.
“God made them that cute so we wouldn’t kill them.” ~ James Dobson
Original URL: http://portland.craigslist.org/mlt/kid/1335445756.html
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Special thanks to hijabiniqaabi for our Feature Ad... Also, thank you to MissDee (you sent in some really good ones!), Cinder38, live.moxie, afnt81, NevadaNanny, UtahNanny, mbargielski, JulieK1994 and MissMannah... all of you did an excellent job this week! Remember, CL-WTF will be Posted every Saturday. Please send next weeks Ads HERE or use MEEBO.

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