Received Saturday, December 6, 2008. - Perspective & Opinion
I have a dilemma and I don’t know how to talk to my boss about it. My sister in law is divorcing my brother and will be moving back down here early next year. She wants me to watch the baby, who will be almost a year by then, while she works. She does not want to put him in daycare because she doesn’t feel comfortable leaving him in a daycare, plus I would watch him for free, which would save her money.
My problem is my boss, I’ve worked for them for 2 years now, but I know if I ask her she will say yes even if she wants to say no. I don’t want her to feel like she has to say yes to me. It may sound callous but it would not affect me either way if I watched my nephew or not. I would be watching him as a favor to his mother although I do want to watch him. How do I make it clear to her that she can say no without risking hurting my feelings?
46 comments:
Anonymous said...
Just explain to her the situation- see what your boss saids and thinks- the worst thing she can say is no. Don't worry.
7:03 AM
RE-POST FOR ANONYMOUS
YOU NEED A MONIKER! :)
Oooops! I meant 7:03 AM re-post! Sorry!!
I think you explained it very clearly here, and you should tell her exactly the same thing. Just say your sister in law asked you to do her a favor, but your main priority is your employer's family, and that there will be no hard feelings either way and that you don't need an answer for a couple days. Then she has time to formulate an excuse if she wants to say no. Otherwise, if she feels she has to answer you right away, she might just say yes if she can't think of a reason to say no
Do you watch the child in your own home? That would be the only way I would even consider approaching watching a "spare". It is unacceptable to bring an extra child to someonee else's house to watch their child, unless it is YOUR child and was already part of the deal.
If you feel you must discuss with your boss simply state, "X (woman who employees you), I feel I must ask you this, but I would prefer if you start shaking your head NO right after I tell you about my family situation. I enjoy my time with your child and I don't see how any good come of our relationship.
What would make you a caring aunt and good employee, is if you could clear with your employee a 2 week window of aid to your family member. Then tell your sister in law, I can watch the child for 2 weeks while you find an alternative child care situation, but anything else would be compromising MY employment.
I actually like snips & snails advice. See if that will work!
corrections:
someonee = someone
and I don't see how any good come of our relationship = I think our relationship would become strained.
your employee = your employer
Why you want to watch some other fool's kid for free is beyond me.
I like snips and snails idea of watching him for a couple of weeks. I watch my little cousins on occasion for free, but every day? I don't care if he is family, I wouldn't take him every day.
The army doesn't pay well so finding a daycare cheap enough is going to be hard. In my family we help out each other, we don't call people fools simply because a marriage didn't work out.
He is a baby. Moving down here is going to be hard on him. He's going to sense the fact that his mom is upset and his father is in Iraq. He doesn't need any more upheaval so watching him for a few weeks and then have him go to a daycare isn't fair to him. He needs consistency.
I want to watch him, I don't need advice on that. I need advice on how to ask the mother of the child I am a nanny to.
You did not make it sound like you WANTED to watch him - To me, and it is just my opinion, you made it sound like you were LOOKING FOR AN OUT without being the one saying NO. As ever, believe it or not, posters were trying to be supportive of YOU with the information you supplied. We can't read your mind or between the lines. If you want to do it than discuss it in that TONE with your employer.
Tell you SIL that you are working and you can't bring a baby to your job the same way that she can't. If you don't mind watching her baby, then offer to watch him for pay and charge your current employer less for your services. So, for example it you are currently paid $100 a day, tell current employer to pay you $50 a day and have SIL pay you the other $50 a day......but taking care of an additional child will be more work so it is unfair of your SIL to ask you to do this in the 1st place
You could offer a pay reduction?
I have to say I think you're nuts for offering to watch your nephew FT for FREE. What happens if your employer gives you time off and your SIL doesn't get that time off? You get no time off because you're still commited to spending 9 hours a day meeting HER needs (and your nephew's). I think the idea of proposing it as a nanny share is good. Think of a reasonable figure that your SIL could pay you, then propose to your employer that IF she agrees to the new arrangement, she gets to deduct that amount from what she pays you. She still may wonder why she is expected to pay for the service that you are offering someone else for FREE. (AND getting less of a service from you in return for your current wage). Your nephew is not quite the same as your own child, so I don't think it's a fair parellel. No matter how tight money is, I think it's unreasonable of your SIL to even accept your offer of commiting yourself FT to caring for HER child while she is at work. And what happens if YOU decide you no longer want to work for your current employer? Are you then obligated to limit your job hunt to employers who don't mind you bringing along an extra child every day?
I think some people are missing the point here. OP, I get that you actually WANT to take care of your nephew, and big kudos to you for that, but you NEED to make sure that your Boss is HONESTLY ok with you bringing him with you, right? So, you want the best way to approach her.. and I think snips and snails got it right. Just tell her that you want her to please be honest, it won't upset you, BUT... and would she be alright with your nephew coming to work with you. And reassure her that it won't take away from your duties to her children.
No matter what situation your SIL is in, you can't expect your employer, who pays you, after all, to allow you bring another baby on board on her dime. You already said that she wouldn't be able to say no, even if she wanted to, so you would really be taking advantage of her. Maybe she and your SIL can work out a nanny share, but there is no way she should be forced to go from what was a FT nanny for her kid(s) to footing the bill for someone else to shoehorn their baby in on her tab. Give her the option to have you all to herself or to hire someone else just for for her.
snippysnails:
I think she made it perfectly clear that she was not looking for an out:
"I would be watching him as a favor to his mother although I do want to watch him."
I think you need to adjust your tone.
Calimom, what kind of person are you?
This is her nephew not some alien.
Why in the world would she not want to take care of her own nephew.
I pity the people related to you, because you sound very selfish.
You know there are actually nice people in this world, so OP please disregard calimom's comment, because she started berating you for wanting to take care of your nephew, now if it were her nephew that would be another story, you definitely would not take care of him.
Did this Op not say that money was tight, why in the world would she consider charging her SIL when she clearly said she would be doing it for free. All this unsolicited advice, why don't you just answer the questions you were asked.
I still can't believe she said thta nephews are not like your own child. My god what kind of family are you from I ask again.
I would anything for my nieces and nephews.
I wonder how life is in your bubble.
I hope it gets popped real soon
Maybe the mom will be thrilled at the idea of having another child around. I know people that put their kids in daycare for the socialization and development they get there. Rather than seeing the "extra" as a detriment he might be a great new friend for your current charge. Did you say how old your current charge is?
I think the best idea is to give her a couple days to answer so she can digest and come up w/ and excuse that doesn't sound rude if she is really uncomfortable with it.
I do like the idea of offering your current employer a discount even if it is $20 and then asking your sister if she can handle that amount to offset your loss.
nanny bot, I don't even want to get into it with you, you can use that tone with your charges and even with me, but I don't appreciate it, as I was not asking your opinion. Now if OP has an issue with my statement than the two of us have opened discussion. While I admit I THOUGHT I read: "..would be watching him as a favor to his mother although I do NOT want.." I did not miss read where she stated it was neither here nor there to her if she did it. If she wants to do it, then NO it isn't clear to the posters trying to provide support and suggestions when the OP states: "It may sound callous but it would not affect me either way if I watched my nephew or not."
That said, if OP has issue with me being snippy than I would have to agree, I was snippy, which is why I used that part in my moniker for that particular reply. Not like you wouldn't see it coming after all.... If only I was still also a Mary Poppin Pills my answer would have been so much more mellow and kinder. :-)
waves to MP pills
It's unprofessional to even ask this of your employer.
what in the world, who pooped in your cheerios? I'd like to congratulate them for a job well done.
It was me; I did it.
Yikes!
First, I also had the impression that OP was feeling a little put out at the thought of being responsible for her nephew, so I think it was a reasonable conclusion for those who got that impression.
Also, I understand the guilt associated with being asked such a favor, as it has happened to me...and I said NO...and I am so glad I did, because the SIL who was roped into the free nanny position felt mightily taken advantage of, and became resentful very quickly. Only, once she said yes, it was almost impossible to back out without looking like a complete jerk. She had the kids more and more hours. Like somebody above said, she had the kids even when everybody else was on vacation...so she was essentially their mom and she never caught a break. Then there are the nights out when mom needed to leave them late...and weekends sometimes. My SIL had had enough of being taken advantage of and having her two nieces (Yes, the imposing SIL had the nerve to have a second child and magically assume the babysitting SIL would raise her too)just left over the weekend more and more often, so she had her husband call the girls' mother and tell her that they would be going out of town that weekend (with the obvious assumption being that she would come get them.) Imposing SIL in law replied something to the effect of, "OK, I'll bring their suitcases to you tomorrow."
Think about this carefully because, as hard as saying no initially is, at least you are not the person putting her into the position of suddenly having no childcare. Now you are only the person who can't rescue her. Once you take this on, it may become your lifelong duty, because, once you stop giving the free childcare she is going to be in a pickle, and everybody may blame you.
And I also agree that it is very unprofessional to ask your employer to add another child to her household on her nickel. You need to give her a serious pay cut...proportional to the number of kids she has, as in a 33% decrease if she has two kids of her own and your nephew will be number three. Either you can suck that pay cut up or ask you SIL for it. Personally, I would not go for it if you were my nanny....even at a reduced rate...unless I was truly struggling financially. And if I felt pressured or guilted into agreeing, I would probably become less and less satisfied, and feel more and more taken advantage of over time and let you go eventually. Then where would you be? Saddled with a child and looking for work where he is welcome. Good luck.
IMO if nannys want to be considered professionals and taken seriously as such (which I have come to believe from reading this site is the case)then they ought to actually treat their nanny jobs as thought they are real jobs. Would you bring your nephew to any other job on an everyday basis...or even once?
Why is is people assume that adding children to the pack is no skin off the nose of the person caring for them? If you are taking GOOD care of the children you watch, it is a lot of extra work for EACH child. The only way it is not a lot of extra work is in situations where the kids are temporarily amused by a playdate, or if you just throw the whole lot of them into a pack and care for them assembly line style. Otherwise, each child needs individualy loving attention and care...and the more kids there are, the less time there is for each individually. Duh.
Maybe somebody without a job can take the child on? Does she have parents? Do you? Your SIL may have to choose where to live based on who can realistically help her without risking their job.
What is the dad's role in this? Can he help?
Without reading the whole thing again...I believe dad is in Iraq...and being left....so help from him is unlikely.
Child support???? Perhaps then this lady wouldn't have to rely so much on OP.
snippy snails:
i just liked how you said "We can't read your mind or between the lines." when then is EXACTLY what you were doing.
If i were you i'd concentrate more on reading what's actually written instead of rushing to leave obnoxious and condescending comments.
The military hardly pays enough to support a single household if the husband is enlisted, let alone support two separate ones.
But those of you who don't pay taxes, please don't feel guilty about that....
okay, bots, you are queen of the council.
Ok first of all thanks to the ones that understood what I was asking advice on. It was helpful, I talked to my boss and she is ok with me watching my nephew and surprisingly she is going to give me a raise when I start watching him.
I simply can't reduce my pay, I make just enough to make ends meet so reducing my pay would mean my bills don't get paid. My husband is also in the military and even with his hazard pay (he's also in Iraq) we still just barely scrape by
I never once said my brother isn't going to pay child support but in case some of you guys don't realize just how little the army pays let me give you a little hint. There are quite a few military families that also rely on foodstamps....my brother's family included so even with paying child support they aren't going to have the money to pay me.
So again thanks for the ones that gave great advice, it was very helpful.
OP, I for one am happy it all turned out for you and your nephew.
Wow, so essentially, your boss has volunteered to foot the bill for your SIL's childcare costs? How nice of her. And how nice of you, but I hope it doesn't turn out for you like mom's SIL felt.
There are good people out there that care about others! And again, I guess I am in the minority but I think kids are healthier when socialized w/ other kids!
You can't wrap your mind around that kind of generosity can you Calimom.
And yes Faith, there are truly generous people still on this planet.
I can tell you Calimom is not one of them.
Poor sap, oh, I mean her poor children.
I love it that this woman who you don't even know has floored you.
Encore!
Well what world, I take it then that you donate $65k a year to charity? Or perhaps, you are heading out tomorrow to your local women's shelter to pick out a deserving mom who has no husband, a minimum wage job and a child and needs someone to pay for her nanny's salary? ($25/hr x 50/hr wk x 52 wks/yr OTB) Don't forget that extra $2000-$3000 annually to cover her nanny's healthcare costs too. What's wrong, can't wrap your mind around it?
Cali mom - I don't think giving the OP a raise is the equivalent of paying for the SIL's childcare. She is simply allowing her to watch both children at the same time. Not everyone sees children as dollar signs.
Mom, I often think you should run an online counseling service. I even have the name for it: Just Ask Mom. Yes, I know, how smart is that?
OP, I am glad things are working out for you. I think you should make it a point to have an open line of communication with SIL, so that if anything comes up you can discuss it right away. Good luck to you.
Well Faith, paying someone an increased salary so that they can watch someone else's child in addition to your own amounts to subsidizing 100% that other person's childcare costs. What on earth do you mean about someone seeing kids as dollar signs? OP didn't sound like she was expecting to earn any extra money for taking on her SIL's child.
I came here with the hopes of getting advice. I did not come here looking to witness a squabble.
I understand that other peoples family dynamics are very different than ours but ours works just wonderful for our family. We have a very large extended family and we have always helped each other out. That's exactly what I'm doing now....helping out.
I do not need anyone to judge my family, it works for us and I'm sorry some people have had bad experiences with their families but our family really is different.
This is not the first nor the last time I've 'pitched in' when someone needed help and my family has ALWAYS been there for me when I needed help whether it be childcare, help paying bills, or just a shoulder to cry on. This is my time to help out.
OP, your brother and sister in law are lucky to have you because you care. Even better, you have an employer who is not only compassionate, but caring, as displayed by agreeing to have your nephew and giving you a raise. In today's society and these economics times, your story offers me great hope this holiday season. I wish you all the best and the merriest of Christmases. Hopefully your brother will be back soon and be able to participate in family life with his son whether divorced or not.
OP - I apologize for bickering (I was trying to stand up for you though.)
Calimom - I also apologize I did not word what I was thinking properly. I was trying to say that OP's employer did not view OP's SIL/nephew as freeloaders.
Sorry for the confusion just glad everything worked out for OP and her family!
OP...sounds like you have a great family. Too bad we don't all have great families who can avail themselves of some much needed assistance in a time of need and use it gratefully as a hand up while they get themselves back on their feet, instead of using it as a way to get something free out of somebody for as long as they can milk it. If we all did have such nice families, maybe some of us wouldn't be so gun shy about pitching in at times like this. I'm glad to hear there are great families like yours out there.
My two cents,
Thats sweet of you to say! (But I might eventually end up running my counseling service from prison, as I have no license...hehehe!)
Calimom,
Put a sock in it!
Here's the thing: by just asking, you are putting your employer in a bad position because she would look bad if she says no. It doesn't matter how much you reassure her that it's okay for her to decline because in her mind, either she allows the baby to come along or she ends up being a bad guy. Don't ask your employer. Just tell your sister "no" because it would be unprofessional.
The only way I see this working out is if you treat the situation as a nanny share and take a 25-35% pay cut from your employer and your sister would pay you half of what your employer is paying you now. That way, you end up with more money (you should because you're taking on more responsibility), your employer would save money and see the situation as a legitimate business transaction, and your sister would only have to pay half for what she would have paid for another nanny.
Post a Comment