Received Thursday, November 6, 2008 - Perspective & Opinion
So I started this job in May as a live-in nanny, not my first live-in gig. I lived-in with a family while I was in college and it was great, I only left because I moved and am still incredibly close to all of them.
Anyway this new job is for two kids, when I started they were 6 months and 3 years. I live in a tiny room (the closet doesn't open all the way because it hits the twin bed) with a bathroom that is so small you have to stand in the molded dorm room shower just to have enough room to close the door. I took this job because the job I had lined up fell through at the last minute. I was told I would be working from 6:30am-6:30pm, M-F. At first it was great, I instantly fell in love with the kids and they did me as well. I have also formed a "friendship" with the mother.
The initial problem, both kids are very sweet and obedient for me but when the parents come around the older one is 100% the opposite. He screams, cries, hits, he is relentless. I have worked with many different kids for many years in many situations and this is the worst I have ever seen. People don't believe it unless they see it. He turns from the most incredibly smart, sensitive, heart-filled obedient little boy to a horrible monster. I physically cannot stand to be around him when his parents are there.
I have asked them over and over again to work on taking authority with him but mom feels too guilty for being away all day and dad would rather not listen to the tantrum and gives kid whatever he wants. When we are all there they take away all of my authority, give him privileges and toys I have previously taken away, and destroy everything I have done with him in the day. They see each kid one hour a day and throw the tv on and leave the room.
As if this isn't bad enough, I am now the personal assistant, personal shopper, laundress, housekeeper, and the only disciplinarian amongst many other things. Dad called me this morning asking me to take the car (that he backed into a house) to the dealership and seduce them into a deal. He told me to wear a tight shirt and lie to them saying that I crashed it and don't want my boss to find out. I'm in my 20s and a DD so yeah... To make things worse, a low-life 50 yr old relative without a job is moving in tomorrow and already emailing me a list of his errands.
I started off making $550 a week but since they consistently make me work until 8,9, sometimes 10:00 EVERY NIGHT they got me fired from my other job and gave me a raise to $600. They are suppose to subsidize my phone $25 a month since they require I have texting but only did that the first 2 months.
So the reason I am writing this, they are pregnant again, and I think I deserve $750 a week considering the baby is due the same week as my one year, I generally work 80 hours a week, I will have two babies under the age of two and so forth. They are way way way too cheap, he already complains that he pays me too much. (nyc/nj area) I would generally just quit but the kids really need me, they have never had anyone give them the love and attention that I do and I think it would destroy them, especially with the new baby coming. It breaks my heart to even think of leaving the kids and the parents think that I am really happy here because I am pretty fake. To be honest I am miserable, I hate the job, the area, my living situation, everything.
Advice please!
Update From OP 11/6:
What Should I Do? Part 2.
Okay, okay you all think I should quit and I know that too.
I just don't know how to do it. I want to stay until at least Jan. so I get my Christmas bonus and I would love to have a new job somewhere on the west coast, I'm on the east coast.
I don't know how to tell them I'm quitting. They will guilt me into staying, promising to change and never will. I can't figure out what to say without the last month here being awkward.
I do have a verbal agreement to stay here 6 months and I want to be able to stay in touch with these kids.
This will come to a complete shock for them, they think I am really happy.
I just want some advice on how to bring it up, how to say I'm leaving without feeling guilty, basically what to say and how to grow some confidence.
Thanks!
24 comments:
Quit the job, find a new one, write a good contract and have a backbone to enforce everything in that contract. If you won't do it for yourself, no one else will.
Then, be diligent in keeping your relationship with the kids you're leaving. Visit often, send cards, games, toys, things you made for them.
Or . . .
Continue to be taken advantage of, it is the path of least resistance.
advice?
Get a job at taco bell.
less stress, better life.
They sound poor.
My advice is get the hell out of there! You think a new baby is going to make things better? I doubt it, especially with someone around who's taking advantage of you before he even moves in. Say adios, amiga.
I would look for a new job. When interviewing explain to them about your current hours, just incase your boss is late and makes you run late for an interview.
Yeah yeah the kids need you. What is it with nannies feeling they need to stay in a bad situation.
And the comment the husband made to you!! That was terrible. And that relative has the nerve to send you a list of things he wants you to do! NO way.
I have a feeling this relative is going to sexually harass you I don't know why just do. Hes just going to bum out in the house with you in the day. Thats creepy
The kids will forget you in a heartbeat. Take care of yourself.
Ericsmom,
The dad already did sexually harass her when he asked her to go to the car dealership with a tight shirt on to get him a good deal.
My god.. please quit this job. These people are a disaster.
They aren't poor, they rack in almost a mil a year.
These kids are different, when his last nanny left he stopped talking and is still in therapy.
thanks for all the comments
Yes, I know Sarah
I was talking about the 50 year old guy that was moving in with them. I think thats what I read. LOL.
I hope she gets out now.
well don't blame yourself if the child needs therapy. Its the greedy parents that are to blame for that.
And whos going to pay for your therapy session O.P. if you stick it out with them.
Let me guess do you live in Bergen County? Maybe, Englewood?
I completely agree with what Eric's mom said. And I had the same instinct about the 50 yr. old guy sexually harassing you. (Probably because your typical 50 yr. old unemployed, unmarried man who is willing to mooch off of his relatives is often lacking in any kind of boundaries or concern for anything but his own whims and desires.)
And the kids needing you? Please. They are not your kids and not your responsibility. That kind of lifelong responsibility belongs placed on your own children...not a pair of somebody elses kids, when you could be fired at any moment for any reason and never be allowed to see them again. It's great to love the kids you work for...but please don't become so involved that you feel personal ownership over them. That's an emotional disaster waiting to happen.
OP-
If sexual harassment by the dad, working your life away (80-90 hours a week), making crap money and being treated like a nobody doesn't make you want to leave I don't know what will. What sort of advice exactly are you looking for?
It's time to get out. You've done your best with parents that won't even TRY to parent/discipline/rear their own children. It's nearly impossible to have a good working environment/relationship with parents who have different style/philosophies than you do. The best situation is when you work as a team, stand by the decisions that the others make, and back each other up in front of the kids. You're never going to get that from this family. In addition, they've made you uncomfortable in many ways, imposed on your good nature to get you to do at least twice as much stuff for the same amount of money, and not kept up their end of the bargain. Do they have any idea how much grounds they're giving you to quit?? Maybe you should let them know that, and tell them what will need to change to make you sure you want to stay. If they can commit to your reasonable changes, and they do so consistently, it may be worth staying. But you sound very unhappy and that situation sounds very unlikely. The kids don't "need you". You may be the best influence in their lives but it's not your responsibility. That's why they have parents. You're young. Find a family who will be kind and appreciative. If they can't be good to you when they have two children, what makes you think they'll be more appreciative, work as a team, or pay better when they have a baby to think about too?
If I were you'd I'd rip the boss' weener off and put it in a hot dog bun.
Walk away and don't look back. I know you love the kids but they are not YOUR kids and you cannot solve the problems that these ignorant a$$holes have created for themselves and everyone else. You deserve your own life. Walk away quickly.
make yourself happy and get out. you owe them nothing. no matter how easy you make it for them when you announce you are leaving my bet is they will make it hell. start looking for a job now!
Well OP, oyur update reminds me of something I wanted to say before, but forgot. Maybe pretending to be so darned happy while oyu are miserable is not someting that is going to serve you well in life?
While it's commendable to do your best to be perky on your job and to not want to be a complainer, perhaps if you were to be at least somewhat honest with them about the things that bothered you along the way you wouldn't have gotten to this point at all. That said, it is important to pick oyur battles wisely. Don't complain about every tiny thing...but those that any normal person would find to be a reasonable grievance, by all means speak up about those.
Maybe, you like the abuse. I don't know. It can't be that bad if you are willing to stick it out to get your pitiful raise.
Anonymous said...
I HAVE BEEN IN ALMOST THIS EXACT SITUATION!!!! I totally sypmathize.
First of all, good for you for making the decision to quit. I know it's a hard one.
Second, maybe try looking for a live-out position. I've done both and I must say there are advantages to each, but I doubt I would ever live-in again unless I had known the family for a while and was sure things would work. If you DO take another live-in, write up a contract. Make sure that your "off-time" is really time off. I always found it easiest to just get out of the house from the time I was off until bed time or go to my room and read or something. If you're there, you HAVE to keep authority. Consistency is so important with children. Even the older ones don't understand the difference between time you spend with them on-th-job and time you spend with them off-th-job. It's all the same to them. So, even though you may not be working, you have to be aware of what's going on and ready to discipline/correct behavior when needed. Keeping their respect and your authority is a 24/7 job. You're on call any time you are around them, working or not.
My suggestion on how to present it: In my experience, leaving is increadibly hard. Give as much notice as you feel is reasonable and won't jeopardize the rest of your time there. It can be REALLY awkward working with a family when you've quit, especially if there are any hard feelings, so do what you can to minimize it. As far as them guilting you into staying, I think the best thing to do is make it seem like this is imminent. You love caring for their kids, but you're not happy with OTHER aspects of your life (social, family, whatever) and you feel you need a change. Especially if you're looking at switching coasts, tell them that you want to try something new. Don't lie, obviously, but it's best if you can present them with reasons other than those that you're unhappy with the situation with them.
As for the kids, it's hard. And they WON'T forget you in a heartbeat, like the one poster said. They love you. It will take time. The best thing you can do for them is prepare them. Start talking about your leaving NOW. Tell them that you have to go away but you love them and you're going to keep in touch. Then, do keep in touch. Call, send birthday cards, visit when you're in town. The first nanny job I left because the mom treated me horribly and after six months, still hadn't given me the raise she'd told me I would get after our "trial period" of two weeks. Not to mention jipping me out of pay for a 14 hour saturday. I was madly in love with those twin boys and when I told her I was leaving, she went ballistic. I told her she had two weeks and even offered a friend as a prospective candidate she could interview (who I'd already warned and advised on how to better deal with this woman on the issues I was having and who was much stronger about pushing for what was right than I have ever been) but she started screaming and cussing at me, told me she didn't want the two weeks, she wanted me gone now, wouldn't even let me say goodbye to her boys who were crying, as they did every day when I left. It was awful. I wish I could keep in touch with them. However, another family I worked for was great at goodbye. They knew from the beginning that I would have to leave to return to school after ten months. We all started talking to the kids about it at least a month in advance. There were tears upon goodbye, but it was as non-traumatic as it can be when you're that close with small children. I send cards on holidays and birthdays, call now and again (alot in the beginning), and visit when I come home (though not often . . . I am on the east coast now and they are on the west coast.). The boys love when I come over. I get hugs and love and we play and talk about what they've been up to. It's great.
Good luck with everything! I hope this helps!
1:44 PM
RE-post for Anonymous. :)
Welcome Aboard! You need a moniker. Anonymous posts get deleted!
Wasn't aware of that before, but I got it now. Thanks for re-posting for me.
I WAS THERE
if you remind yourself that eventually all nanny jobs end.. you won't feel as bad leaving. If they can't pay for childcare what makes you think that they think abt you same way you think about them? they are just using you and once they've had enough....you will go!!! Start sooner than later.
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