Received Monday, November 3, 2008. - Perspective & Opinion
I'm 20 yo and just took a job as a live-in nanny for two really great kids, 4 and 6. I have my own living space with private bath, and a really competitive wage. I like my job but here's my problem: About 2 weeks after taking this job, the parents sat me down and told me that they didn't like the late nights I was keeping. I'm off on weekends, and had been coming in around midnight or so. I thought this was my time? I had no idea that I would be given a curfew. When I expressed my discontent, the mom reminded me that I had a one year contract and that this was "her house, her rules, and that as a member of this family, I need to follow them". Let me just say I am a hard worker, go above and beyond my duties, and I don't drink nor smoke. I just like to go out with my friends on the weekends to socialise - it's completely harmless.
If I had known beforehand that I would be given a curfew, I'm not so sure I would've taken the job. I don't think it's fair that they are doing this after I've already been hired. But, here I am. So my question is: how would I go about negotiating with the parents about my curfew? I'm hoping if I approach them diplomatically, they'll change their minds. Otherwise, how do you go about quitting when you have a contract? Can they sue me? Thanks for your help!
37 comments:
Remind them that you are an adult. And perfectly capable of making your own bedtime.
course you could always start sneaking out of the house.. LOL
I am with Phoenix. Just explain that as an adult, you are allowed to stay out as long as you see fit, and if it is not affecting your working time, then it is really none of their buisness. Did you come in once and were loud of something? I cant really imagine my boss telling me what time I have to be home when I am off!!
They can't sue you if you want to quit you always have that right. Give them 4 weeks or whatever amount time notice that is in your contract and come and go as you please on your free time until then. This woman does not own you because you work in her home.
Hmmmm...sounds like the think they hired you to be their child, not an employee.
How incredibly weird that they think they own ALL of your time and can dictate your off hours behavior. Sounds mor elike a prison release program than a job.
You might be able to negotiate this away, but they will likely be resentful since they sound like unreasonable people to begin with. I would look for a more normal family to work for. I can't imagine they could sue you successfully, especially since they have changed the rules of your employment ao that they are now unreasonable and oppressive.... but you might want to ask an actual lawyer.
Leave.
Sure, you could talk to them and after a lot of arguing, they might let you stay out but trust me, there's going to be a lot of resentment between the two of you which would probably end with you quitting in a few months so you might as well quit now and spare yourself the trouble.
Find out what the reason is behind their new policy. Maybe they are worried when you haven't come home and can't sleep well. Even though I am 27 when I stay at my parents house I tell them if I plan on coming in late or sleeping out. They don't "need" to know but it is respectful. Maybe if they knew ahead of time that you would be late they would be ok with that.
Alternatively maybe they are worried about drugs and alcohol. You can assure them that you don't use drugs and would never drive under the influence.
While they do not own you I understand that they are imposing some of their own concerns on you.
I would just tell them when you leave "I'm headed to the movies, be home at 1 am" or something like that.
I honestly think they just care. Are there any other problems? I am 23 and currently live at home because I am in grad school and my mom is always worried when I come in late.
Since you said that they said, "As a member of this family..." it just seems like they really care. I would just sit down with them and discuss with them what you mentioned to us. You aren't doing drugs or drinking, just hanging out with your friends.
maybe ask why they feel that this is appropriate. then go from there.
eventually, explain that you're an adult and an employer, not a child or anyone under their sole control while you are not on their clock. You can say, 'yes, I know I live in your home, but as an adult and a full time live in nanny, I need my time off to be with friends to get some socializing in' and if they're unreasonable about that, then I would get a new job.
they can't sue if you follow what your contract says about quitting. mine says four weeks notice. And I'm sure if you were to go that far, they would bend to let you stay out late!!
I have never understood the "member of the family" stuff employers put on their nannies. If you are of legal age you are not a member of the family but an employee. You are not a child of theirs. If you are quiet and respectful when you come home late there shound not be a problem. Your time, your life. Ask her if she would prefer you just come home in the mornign if you will be out past midnight, which by the way is no very late.
That's ridiculous! Tell them, no--you will not have a curfew. If you're off duty; you don't even have to come home. That's crazy. If they're not willing to live by that, I would just tell them, sorry but you need to get a new job. Then, do it!
They can't sue you if your curfew isn't in the contract.
Good luck!
Is the curfew in your contact? If it isn't, then you are either a) not required to abide by the curfew or b) not required to keep your contract because they're trying to require you to follow rules they did not disclose while negotiating the contract.
It's that simple, they cannot have it both ways.
It never ceases to amaze me either, 'she is a big girl'.
I know some nannies want to feel as if they are a part of the family, but it's not right to impose their household rules on an employee just like they would a child.
I just can't imagine. I would have to know "Why" they feel the need to have you in the house at a particular time. Are they concerned about the quality of care you'll provide after being up late? You need to ask to discuss this further and explain that as an adult it never occurred to you that a curfew would be implemented and that this was NOT in your contract. Keep us posted!!
Has this family had au pairs before? Just wondering because it is very common for families with au pairs to establish curfews and actually encouraged by the program. Having had au pairs myself, I initially thought I could start with no curfew and simply trust them to be responsible. Unfortunately, this did not work (as I was advised by host families and the agency it would not). Then I switched to 11pm curfew if my au pair was working before 12noon the next day; no curfew otherwise (but with the written understanding that it would be considered if it became a problem). This worked so much better.
Perhaps if the family is used to having au pairs or knows others who have, they are assuming a curfew is a better system. Most au pairs are young women away from home for the first time ever (remember first year of college?) and many have trouble with no structure. Since you are only 20yo perhaps the family assumes this work for you too.
Either way, I agree that this should have been clearly discussed before hiring (an omission on both your employer and your part not to bring it up it seems). I would discuss with the family, if acceptable to you, if curfew could be limited to nights when you are working the next day only, especially as it sounds like this would not be an issue for you. I understand the perspective of many nannies that your time off work is entirely your own and no one should be able to dictate what you do with it. That is a fair point. However, from the perspective of someone who has employed live-in au pairs, I can say that this simply hasn't worked well.
They have ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT to dictate what you do on your off hours, as long as you are not breaking the law or violating their privacy in any way. If you are not disturbing them when you come in at whatever hour you happen to come in, they cannot dictate a curfew foryou. Period. I'd suspect if they made a ridiculoud attempt to sue you for quitting, they'd lose, as tHEY changed the terms of your employment AFTER hiring you, AND becauseillegal clauses (like inposing a curfew on your employees-basically requiring them to be available without paying them for the time) are null and void.
You could renegotiate with them to change the position to a live-out, in which case as soon as your wqork hours started, you'd be availab;e and they'd clearly be SOL and out of bounds to try and dictate anything outside your work hours. They may not go for that idea however, so I suspect that if they insist on a curfew for you, and you decide to give notice, it may come to a showdown. If they had promised severance pay in your contract, you won't get any, but it may be better to cut your losses now rather than wait it out. They sound like thw kind of people you DON'T want to work for!
Oooh, sorry for all the typos!
A contract isn't valid if one of the parties imposes new rules that are not in the document you signed.
I think it is unfair of them to give you a curfew. Sure, you do live in the house and need to respect the rules...such as no loud parties, rowdy guests, illegal drug use, etc...that would be understandable. But it is wrong of them to expect you to be home at a certain time! On your days off, you are entitled to go anywhere you want, as long as you show up for work when you are supposed to.
Unless you agreed to this before accepting the job, which I doubt you did, then you are not obligated to have a curfew. She can't just change things two weeks into the job! That is wrong!
If she won't back down, then I would give ample notice and move on. If you did sign a one year contract with her, I am not too sure if she can sue you. I would have to see the contract.
Anyway, do you have a family member or friend you can stay with in case she gets vindictive on you?
Good Luck.
I had a similar experience.
The family I worked for as a live in nanny, stated in the contract that on my off time( nights and weekend) I had the privilege of using one of the family cars, me being responsible for gas etc.
Once they moved( I moved with them) they decided to get rid of one of the cars, but never updated the contract, so it still stated I was able to use one of the cars.
The mother of the family started to tell me I needed to ask permission for use of the car, and that I would only be able to use it 2-3 times a week.
Because the contract was never updated and signed by both of us, I was able to get out of the job
GOOD LUCK!
Being a Live in is sooo hard to do
Being a live-in IS hard! This is my first time. I really thought I would like it, and I actually do, except now for the curfew.
I am very quiet when I come in. If I would have ever woke them up, they would have told me. And there was nothing in my contract about a curfew. I'm actually thinking of quitting over this if they don't bend a little. I was just worried they could sue me! I work hard for them and I really look forward to my weekends.
I'll let you know what happens, and thanks everyone for your great advice!
I hope everything works out for you, OP. Just be very upfront about everything with them. Say that the curfew was not disclosed up front and not a part of your contract. Ask them if it is a "deal breaker" and if they say yes, then give an adequate amount of notice (I think 4 weeks is good) so that they can at least start to find a replacement.
However, I bet it won't come to that. Be strong & stand your ground and they'll realize this is not something to lose a good nanny over.
Is a curfew stated in your contract? If not tell them in no uncertain terms that you are an adult and haven't had a curfew since age 17. This is your job, you're not living with your parents. If she brings up the contract again simply tell her there is no mention of a curfew in it so you are not breaking any part of your contract. If they insist on controlling your off time I would give the correct amount of notice you agreed upon and find another job.
If you stay at this job and go along with their curfew you only grow to resent them....either they ease up or give notice citing this curfew as the reason you are leaving.
Oh my gosh! Are you serious?? No way. Just keep doing your thing on your time. They are control freaks and just want to control you, and see just how far you will let them control you.
If they bring it up again just remind them that your time is your time and if they want to dictate your hours then they need to pay you round the clock.
I had the same problem when I rented a room from a woman when I was in college. I had my own entrance and kept mostly to myself and she tried to make me into a her daughter. Only thing that ended up helping was to leave.
If that was me, I would simply say that I would abide by the new rules but that the contract would need to be resigned including the new curfew. Then I would ask them for double the money. If they mention that you are being unreasonable then that maybe the best time to point out how inconvenienced you now are. Also if they arn't willing to pay, that there could be your reason for leaving.
11:05 AM
negotiating? you are an adult. make it clear. if THEY don't like it, give 'em notice.
simple.
You have a contract. they are your bosses. Who stays out until midnight. suck it up and be a proper nanny
A proper nanny has proper hours and is not on call 24 hours. A proper boss knows her boundries and should not try crossing them.
Troll.
Firsttimecaller
You must not be a nanny. Because then you would understand that nannies have lives, and you don't.
Tell them in a firm and professional way that will not be adhereing to any curfew. The way you handle this issue will dictate how they will treat you in the future. Good luck!
OP, can you give us an update? I'm very curious.
I had a situation while I was a live-in. I had a separate living space (detached from the house) and when my employers decided to have it partially renovated I had to stay in the main house for 2 weeks. During those 2 weeks they imposed a curfew on me of 10pm on weeknights and 12am on weekends. Mind you, I NEVER had a curfew before that, but once I was in their main home, they felt it necessary. When I discussed it with them they said part of it was because now that my coming and going was more apparent and I had more of a presence in the house, they had a greater concern for my well-being. Also, they didn't want me causing a ruckus and waking up the child or them (which I would NOT have). However, I agreed to it for those 2 weeks. It wasn't fun, but I dealt with it. Once I moved back to my separate living quarters I agreed to let them know if I was going to be out late or not coming home at all, so they wouldn't worry. They never pried as to where I was going, but often I would share with them, but not always. It was nice to know they cared, but also good for them to know that I am an adult and capable of making my own decisions. In any case, I think you should talk to them about their reasoning and try to creat a compromise (if you want to stay). If you think this woman is just a control freak, get the heck out now while you can! Or it will only get worse!
I'm surprised it worked out better than I thought! After talking with them, I kind of got the feeling that they were just worried about me.
I told them that I would let them know my plans from now on if they would ease up on the curfew, which I didn't think was fair because they never brought it up before, and they said ok. I'm not used to having somebody worry about me like that, so I guess I'll just have to get used to it. But I feel better about it now, and I want to thank everyone for all of their advise!
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