Received Thursday, October 9, 2008 - Perspective & Opinion
I have been a weekend Nanny for 2 boys for the last 2 years. The boys are now 9 and 5.
The single Mom told me this week that she has decided the 9 year old is "old enough" to care for his younger brother Saturday and Sunday from 6 am till 3 PM alone.
I am VERY concerned. Not only is the 8 year old too young, it is illegal in my state to leave any child under 14 alone without supervision. I can get another job, I have people offer all the time, its the kids I'm concerned for.
These kids are super active and frequently have to be stopped from screaming and throwing things. They live in a condo building and I can easily imagine the neighbors calling the police if it goes on ( the neighbor above often bangs on the floor if they get rowdy after just a minute or so). and the Mom would then be charged with child neglect.
Not even to mention the things a child this young could get into, the stove, microwave, bathtub, letting strangers in etc. He in NOT mature enough for this at all.
How do I talk to the Mom without seeming that I am trying to just keep my job, but impress her shes endangering her kids and herself without getting her angry?? Im only 20 and shes 35..I feel like she will get insulted as Im young and not listen?
The boys themselves don't want this. She announced this in front of them, the older one was wide eyed and just said "WHAT?" and the 5 year old cried.
Help??
37 comments:
Wow, that is insane! I don't understand how some parents think certain things are okay. 9 years old is WAY too young to be left alone, not to mention taking care of a younger sibling. I am appalled by this mom's lack of responsibility. She is obviously just trying to save a few bucks and she is endangering her own children by doing so.
You obviously know you HAVE to say something to her. My advice would be to approach her and inform her that you feel the kids are too young. Mention how they behave when you are with them and the trouble they may get in if they are by themselves. Also tell her what you told us, the law says she can't do that, and if she gets "caught" she will get charged for neglect.
Just explain to the mom that you don't feel that he is mature enough... and of course, it being illegal is important too! Point these out to her, and I'm sure she will reconsider.
Good luck!
:)
Uh, yeah, crazy. But unfortunately nothing you can do about it :(
This is a sticky situation. I'm guessing she can't afford you anymore and that is why she is doing this? You do have a responsibilty to these children and you are right when you mention just some of the things that these young boys can get in trouble with. The 9 year old will not be able to handle any real emergency not to mention any pervert that might figure out these kids are alone.
Try to reason with her and if she still lets you go please check on these boys and consider calling CPS.
People can be just plain stupid! To save money this woman is putting her childrens lives in possible danger. They at best may only hurt each other in a scuffle but at worst could burn the place down...9 is wayyy too young to be left in charge of another sibling. Stupid Stupid Stupid. How frustrating for the you OP...not a thing you can do.
I would try to talk with her calmly about the legal risks and ramifications. Explain that you are greatly concerned that the boys could get into a situation they could not manage, and that CPS would take action against her if anyone notified them the kids were home alone.
Then, if she refuses to change her position, you will need to decide if your duty as a manadted reporter outweighs all else in this situation. If so, call CPS and inform them of the facts of the matter as you understand them.
Go about the conversation in a different way, that doesn't attack the mom. Perhaps you could bring up your concern about the upstairs neighbor and that they might get mad since there won't be anyone to keep the noise level down. That way you're not saying she's wrong, but that her living situation isn't conducive to this idea.
Cookooo! Cookooo!
geez this woman is insane!
OP: I would report them. I think it's illegal. Do what chick said: try to talk some sense into her and if that doesn't work, you really need to report it.
good luck, please keep us updated!
I would think that just mentioning the LAW to your mom about children being left alone would make her think twice. She probably doesn't realize that.
I think it's completely unfair to the older boy too. When my best friend and I were about that age, she was required to "watch" her younger brother ALL DAY every day during summer break from school for which she would get "paid" by her parents a quarter a day. She ran away from home at age 14, not too surprisingly.
I meant to THE mom, not to YOUR mom, LOL!
You said it umass..."Cookoo,cookoo"
if the kid was alone in the house maybe for just an hour and only him and not his sibling, then it would be a different story.
the fact that his mom is keeping them alone that long and the 9 year old in charge is just crazy.
I would not leave my child that young in the house alone for any period of time.
ever.
It is not only illegal but extremely negligent and dangerous. A great deal can happen to a 9 year old in one hour.
OP-- First of all, I think it swett that you are respectful of your "elders" wisdom and clout-- but 35 IS NOT THAT much older than you are (caps for emaphasis, not yelling). Anyhow, I would just tell her-- if it a money issue, you could negotiate something, but it is illegal and not safe. You love the boys and her and blah blh blah... you get the picture. If that doesn't work CALL AN AUTHORITY! It's better now, than of the house lights on fire!
Chick has great ideas.
You cannot morally and in good conscience actually let her do this to these children.
If reason doesn't work you'll have to call CPS.
Be prepared to look for a new job if you must, but if you care about theses kids (actually, even if you don't)you have to do the RIGHT thing,no matter what the personal cost to you might be.
Holy crap, is this lady in financial straights or something? Its the only scenario I can think of that would lead her to hatch such a crazy plan. OP, what does it really matter if she thinks you're just bringing it up to save your job? You know its not true. I think mentioning the rowdiness, the upstairs neighbour, and the legal issue will all be good strategies...for better or worse public shame is a huge motivator. No harm can come from you calmly and without judgment outlining your concerns to her. You're just doing your job and looking out for those little boys.
What a dangerous, dangerous idea. And to put that on the shoulders of the 9 year old...she must be desperate??
You need to tell her how you feel about this. If she doesn't listen then there is nothing you can do about it, but at least you know you did all you could to protect her and the kids.
She may be in financial trouble now, but having the police take the children away from her or even worse happening is not going to help her. I would not worry about making the wrong impression or giving advice because you are younger than her. You are an adult too. I hope she reconsiders. Good luck
you have nothing to lose since she plans to let you go anyways.
she sounds unstable.
I would ask her if she thinks the boys will be able to control the volume without an adult in a casual way. I would kindly bring up the upstairs neighbor. "Are you maybe concerned that the upstairs neighbor might call the police for a noise violation when the boys don't keep things down? I'm just concerned that without an adult here, that CPS will be called because he's not 14 yet- as required by law. That would just be awful. Can I perhaps try to help you look for cheaper weekend childcare? Perhaps there is a teenager down the street willing to work for some pocket money? That way atleast you won't get in trouble with Mr Impatient upstairs. I'd be happy to put up some flyers for you at the local library when I'm there or to post an add for you on craigslist- if you are interested."
Or something like that. That way she might respect your way of thinking- perhaps she'll see its not about the money for you, but that you truly care about her and the kids.
Or perhaps you can go to the neighbor and tell him that they are getting a dif weekend sitter and that because the boys are going to take some time to adjust that there might be some noise problems. And that if it becomes just too much that you would appreciate it if he where to call you so that you can let the sitter know and speak to the boys. Thus when he calls you, and he will. Call the parents asap, and let them know the neighbor is complaining and that you are concerned he might call the police and that they need to go home immeadiatly so that they don't get there with the children by themselves.
This is the best I can think off. They really should not be by themselves.
Janet E.
You're looking for ways that this OP can protect the mom from having her kids taken away, but if she is stupid enough to go ahead with this plan, I say - let the neighbor upstairs call the Police - then maybe those kids will find a safer home! Money obviously comes before concern to this mom!
No not at all. I thought option B might serve as a wake up call for mom and that she would then be forced to use childcare- if a doesn't work.
If I were OP, I would say to the mother, "Are you crazy? That's dangerous and illegal."
UMass: Very well said! I remember someone saying they didn't like your posts a few weeks ago, yet I love them, and always look forward to reading yours!
OP: This woman sounds like a headcase. A 9 year old in charge of himself, a 5 year old AND the entire home for that length of time on a weekend? Let me get this straight-what would a 9 year old do if there was an emergency, such as a wound, scrape, cut or serious injury? Would a child this age know what to do if there was a fire or if they were locked out of the house? My friend Nikki lets her 12 year old son watch himself, 8 year old brother and 20 month old sister for short periods (two or three hours at a time) and he does very well, yet a 9 year old being "old enough" to watch himself and a 5 year old doesn't mean the child is "old enough". If money is an issue for her, I wonder how she will feel when she has to fight like hell to get her children out of the system after they are placed in CPS?
OP, it's really sad when a parent has so little common sense. I do agree that you have to approach this delicately, or she will just shut you out. Maybe you can make up a little white lie about a neighbor being cited by CPS for the same thing. But the boy is absolutely not mature enough. Years ago, I was an apartment manager and I got a noise complaint. I went to the apt, and there were three boys, 9,8 and 5. They had pushed some kitchen chairs onto the balcony and were standing on them, chucking rocks and dirt clods at the cars in the parking lot.
They let me in when I knocked without question and told me that the 9 year old was a big boy and got to be in charge. I called CPS and they sent someone over. I never heard back what happened.
Not Park Slope, I hardly think that taking the kids away from their only parent is a good idea. Aside from this lapse in judgment (which may be owing to financial desperation, for all we know) this is probably a decent, caring and hard-working SINGLE mother. Do you really think foster care would be better for them?? That would be a cure worse than the disease.
Princess
Maybe it wouldn't be better, who knows, but this is about as bad an idea a parent could have. So, ok. maybe not take the kids out of the home, but a police officer would surely scare her straight.
Yes, agree she needs to be scared straight - hopefully the OP nanny can do this. I doubt she is truly neglectful, I like to think she probably just has a very, very unrealistic idea of what her children are capable of...
I grew up in the time when "latchkey kids" were everywhere. We lived in an apartment complex in So california for four years. it was in the 70's...just as women were starting to "roar" and burn their bras...and getting divorced in droves. This left a lot of women with tight budgets, small children to raise alone, and having to fling themselves all of a sudden into the workforce, often with little education or experience. Many barely made ends meet, let alone pay for a babysitter. I personally knew a girl who, starting at kindergarten age, used to have to walk home from school and sit on the stairs locked outside her apartment until her mom got home from work. My best friend, who moved in as a third grader, watched herself and her kindergarten age brother. Two other families that had kids I played with had four kids each...all left home alone. Any kid who came from a divorced house was on their own...including in the summer, all day long. In fact, one of our neighbors was Will Ferrell, and his little brother. I can remember stopping by their house several times (we kids all ran in a pack, and we could see him and his little brother practicing piano inside) and trying to get them to come out and play with us...but they weren't allowed to go outside while their mom was at work. By my estimation, based on my age at the time, and the age difference between us, he was about 7 years old. There was a family that live next to us where the mom seemed to be mostly at home, but left her baby home in his crib all day long while she visited at her friend's apartments. Tha baby's brother (we were both about in 3rd grade, I would estimate) would let me into the house to take care of the baby sometimes, because whenever you even walked past the apartment you could hear the baby screaming...pretty much all the time. I would go in and find the baby clutching the side of his crib, all red faced from screaming. I would change his always horrid diaper and find baby food in the fridge and feed him (he always acted like he was starving when I fed him too) ...and then put him back and go play. (A lotta nerve I had for a nine or ten year old, looking back...but at the time I figured the mom didn't care anything about him and I felt sorry for him.) I did this several times until one day the boy told me his mom said I couldn't go in anymore. Had I been old enough to realize there was help for kids like that, I would have called the police. I do remember telling my mom that the baby was always hungry and with a dirty diaper and never got out of his crib and his mom was never home. I guess it was also the MYOB era.
But times are different now. No way should a kid be left alone at nine...especially in charge of a five year old.
mom, I think I may be a bit younger than you, but I grew up in that latchkey time of the late 70's. I remember it much as you describe. I would ride my bike alone to Bullocks and just roam around the mall if it got too hot to play outside.
The entire neighborhood would just be filled with kids roaming around on their bikes after school. My mom grew up in a very poor family as one of 12, and she believed we could take care of ourselves just fine. She was a SAHM, but as mom stated, it was a time when women were encouraged not to allow kids to tie them down. Sometimes we'd come home from a bike ride, and this is when I was 7, and my sister was 6, and find my mom had gone on an errand. THe door would be locked and there would be peanut butter sandwiches on the picnic table. Can you imagine that now?
d,
I'm 46. How old are you? I was 8-18in the 70s.
We moved to a "wealthy" city when I was 12. I was appalled that some of the kids had to tell their moms where they were going before they went! I had never heard such a thing...although my mom had once requested that I leave a note on those occasions when I got two quarters out of the change drawer and used them to take the OCTD bus to the mall (in elementary school!) If I didn't leave a note, no sweat...but when it crossed my mind to do so, I did.
My best friend and I, starting at age 12, would walk to the beach and spend the entire day, without telling anybody. (Her mom was not one of those "pesky" moms who had to know where she was either.)She told me a few years back that her dad had suggested she drop her own kids off at the beach (both of them at least 12 by them, if not older)and she had reacted in horror to his suggestion. Then he said, "You did that every day when you were even younger." We both agreed we would NEVER send our kids to the beach alone these days.
As I have said before though, I think our kids have missed out on so much by having to have us over them all the time. But with how bad the world has gotten in this short time, there's really no safe alternative. It's tragic, really. Much of my sense of self sufficiency came from having learned a lot of lessons "the hard way." There's just no substitute for that kind of learning.
I just found out my nanny mom is leaving her 7-year-old in charge of her 4-year-old and 2-year-old sister when she goes to the store!
I don't know where the dad is when this happens. I will have to say something about this. One morning I came and found the then 6-year-old taking care of her 2-year-old sister. Apparently their mom thinks its o.k. as long as they are mesmerized by the t.v. And she told the speech teacher that safety was her number one priority!
I donh't know what state this is but in many states there is no age limit for when a kid can be left alone. There are 100 of thousands latch key children in America. They are as young as kindergarten and they take their little selves home and let themselves in everyday.
You think we need more kids in these foster homes?? I would call and make sure that there is a law about kids being a certain age before telling this woman there is . Is it a matter of money or maybe she is just telling OP that she is going to do this because she is unhappy with op? and has hired someoen else? God I hope so, but I live in Ca and there is NO set age for when you can leave a child alone. I see kids in 2nd grade who live near us that let themnselves in the house every day. They are good kids and I have had 2 of these kids over after school and they tell me they lock the doors, do not answer the door,or phone unless it is their Mom, do their homework and have a snack and then they can watch TV until mom gets home.
My kids were latch key kids years and years ago but things were different then. When you live on a shoe string budget it is what we had to do then and now. But it sure doesn't sound like her youngest child is going to behave himself and there will be trouble.
The mom is trying to save a little cash. The bad economy makes people take ore risks and it will hit nannydom prety hard in the next few years.
Down to earth,
Are you sure, because when we lived in California there was a little five year old boy in my son's kindergarten class who was found wandering alone outside one morning before school and , when questioned, he said he was afraid to go into the house because he saw a spider in there. It was investigated and found that he was being left alone every day to get himself ready and walk his own little self to school each day. The school was notified about the situation and there was quite a ruckus about it. I believe the parents got into trouble with some governmantal agency. Then they started having somebody in the family (apparently) care for the child, and they started at least picking him up from school so it appeared as though he was being cared for. Then one day nobody came to get him and the teacher refused to release him to go alone. They called and called his home until finally, a last effort call at 7:00pm (after the police had been notified and were already up at the school to retrieve the child and take him to children's services)reached somebody at home. Apparently there was a flurry of confusion as the family first hadn't even realized that Daniel was not at home...and then person after person was asked, "Did you pick Daniel up from school today?" The police decided to release Daniel to his family....and then he never came to school again. I don't know if the school followed up to find out, but I wondered if he had either been taken to children's services, or the family was too shamed to send him back after two such horrible incidents back to back had exposed thier neglect. Thinking back, I sure hope somebody followed up with him.
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