Received Saturday, July 19, 2008 - Perspective & Opinion
So, I know that I'm going to get a lot of s**t from moms & wives, but I'm ok with that because I know I've not done anything really wrong. I'm a nanny for a family out in Radnor, PA. I came to this family about nine months ago. I'm from West Virginia (like 7 hours drive from here) and I really don't have any friends out here. Other nannies in the area are older or don't speak english well. I love the kids, they kinda keep me sane and the mom I work for is great, but she travels a ton for work.
At first the dad & I didn't have much interaction. I'd probably been here 6 months before we had a whole conversation. This didn't bother me because I really didn't see him ever, but then he started 'telecommuting' and he's here all the time. This totally bugged me at first, I think other nannies will know how annoying it is to have a parent in your space all the time--the kids were acting up constantly.
Everything changed about a month ago because both older kids went away to camp (sleep away) and only the baby (14 months) is here. I was like totally desperate for someone to talk to and the dad was the only one around. Long story short we've begun to get closer and it's no longer friendly. I haven't let things get out of control (nothing beyond flirting, but I know that it's not innocent), but I don't think that I can stay here much longer.
All of the issues of my employment are dealt with by the mom, so I need to give notice to her and I want to do it ASAP. I love the kids and I haven't been here a year yet, so I'm not sure what to say to her to explain why I want to leave. I can't be honest, at least not while I'm living in their house. I just want to get out before I do something that I'll regret. What's the best thing to say to her?
67 comments:
bad advice, anon 2:58.
OP, get the heck out before you get yourself in deep you know what. Just give notice and get out. Tell the mom you need to leave for whatever reason, but don't let this get any further. k?
unless you are Michael Pitt's nanny. Then you should hit it. At least once, and then come back and tell us what it was like and stuff.
Reminder ALL ANONYMOUS COMMENTS WILL BE DELETED.
Umass, love it.
OP
I would just tell the Mom you have a Family Emergency, it's an easy out ...
I know nothing has happened, but this has the potential to get really messy, so you need to get out of there before it does ... and soon.
Umass can you please keep the fangirl references out of your comments, they sound idiotic.
OP get out! Your gut is speaking to you honey listen to it! Don't worry about the husband's feelings. You can be honest as to why you are leaving or not but please just leave and quickly, it's the right thing to do. Once you are away you can call the wife or write a letter but realize he will deny it all and she will likely believe him and you will have no reference. Be honest as to why you left with your next family. Good Luck!
It is easy to fall into a trap when you are lonely. Tell the wife you miss your family and want to move back to be closer to them. Then pak and slam before you do something you will regret.
Nothing good will come of this, unless you leave immediately.
There's nothing like that tension in the air.
Find an excuse, any excuse and go. It will be much worse if something more damning happen. Don't spoil your life and their lives.
I work mostly around my male employer, but I certainly don't feel the need for his adult company, I'd rather have a convo with the babies or call my family on the telephone, which I do quite often. Just a suggestion for you the next time you are left 'alone'.
So it was an err in good judgment, but it's not too late to prevent further immorality.
Frankly, I wish all parents would just stay out of my work space as much as possible, but that's not always possible.
Sorry I don't know what the best thing to say is, after all that was your question, but I do know anything is better than staying there especially since the flirting has been on both sides.
Make up something and go fast, before he changes your mind.
OP, you need to look out for yourself. You do not have to be specific with the mother if you do not want to.
You could say you do not feel comfortable staying and that you have some issues. I would also stay away from the dad as much as possible and look for another job fast.
Umass, your comments are the best.
Sorry 'K' I do not believe that she should be honest about why she left on her next job. What is she supposed to be? a masochist? lol. I know you could not have meant that.
Nobody needs to know this lapse in judgment but you. You just make steps to ensure it highly unlikely to happen again.
I was in this same situation a long time ago. The wife was on a business trip and the husband tried to take advantage of the situation. I high-tailed it out of there, and never looked back.
They didn't even know what hit them, and I really miss the kids and often wonder how they are. But this jerk made it so that I'd never feel comfortable enough to come around again.
You need to get out of there now.
K:
no. I won't. And with all due respect, your comment is way more idiotic than mine. Yeah, that's freaking smart, tell the next family you interview with, "Oh, and by the way, I left my last job because me and the Dad really wanted to make out and stuff and it became a problem."
that's just brilliant.
Professionally and very bluntly give 2 weeks notice. Just say that some personal issues have come up that you cannot go into details about and you are very sorry.
Before you start your next job I highly suggest a counseling session about this. I'm not saying this to be mean, I honestly feel that you probably have something subconciously going on that has made you seek such attention in such a way, and this underlying emotion will not go away until you face it.
For your next job just tell them that you loved the kids but you had clashing personalities with the father, and you tried for almost a year to resolve it, but it just wasn't going to work out. If they ask for details, just say you do not wish to slander their name and you do not like to talk poorly about others, so you wish not to indulge in that question.
GL, and please get some therapy...
Jane-tsk tsk-you used all caps!
Thanks everyone for your suggestions, they weren't at all mean as I thought they might be.
I'm alone in the house with the baby most of this weekend, so I've got time to plan my next move. I think I'm going to start packing up some of my stuff and send it home through the mail so when the time comes I don't have to carry it all with me.
Yaya, isn't it normal to want attention? If everyone who craved attention needed therapy then I'd have a hard time trying to find a free therapist.
yaya
I think you're being a little melodramatic. Counseling? Come on! OP knows this isn't a good place to be right now, and has plans to get out. She didn't screw him for goodness sake! They are both human, and before a terrible mistake is made, OP is making a mature decision and getting the hell out of dodge.
Good for you, OP!
4:59 YaYa meant attention from a MARRIED male. Sorry kid, that's not normal. Glad you're leaving before you destroy yourself and a family.
Golly.....I've been on vacation in NY state and haven't been on here.....I LOVE the new rules, Jane! Right ON! WTG!
Now........OP.....give 2 weeks and get out! Good luck and let us know what happens.......please!
I think the new rules are strange. Was it really such a problem? Couldn't rude anonymous posters just be ignored instead of certain people getting into back and forth with them til the point when the thread was no longer readable. I guess we will see if it works, but I doubt it.
O.P. you are normal, I don't believe you need counseling. You are not the married one!! Now there is someone who needs counseling...
Attention is attention. Seeking attention even from a married person isn't the same as wanting to have an affair with said married person. A compliment feels good regardless of where it comes from. OP - you are normal. And everyone else, I bet when she wanted attention she meant adult conversation, not sex.
OP, you seem pretty normal to me. It's pretty big of you to see that there is a problem and to want to fix it. I don't think you need therapy.
Yaya, I think what's weirder than being attracted to the dad you're nannying for is not liking kids cus they're ugly. To me, that's a bit strange. I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm just making the point that we all have our own issues, and to tell someone that they need therapy is a bit presumptuous.
Wow this is like prime time tv quality stuff!
So for the record, I think you should get out ASAP. Tell them you have a family emergency... that way you won't get a really horrendous referral.
I have a feeling you are on the edge of making a mistake but your heart it telling you this is wrong. Think about the kids OP. You said you love them? Let them be your motivation to stay strong and morally intact.
I am happy to see you don't want to make a mistake and that you are looking to fix things. And that people are not chewing your head off. This man should no better than to hit on you! Sure and you should too, but he is the one risking a family and reputation.
Be strong and get out now.
Good luck, feel free to send me a message any time of the day. if you just want to talk. I know how lonely the main line can be... I used to live in Narberth.
Ps. Umass.... ignore the haters! I'd love to be george clooney's anything!
Honestly, give your notice and leave. Make up a reason if you have to, but don't tell the "truth" when really, it's one-sided as far as you are concerned. No reason to destroy someone's marriage.
Since you actively have taken a part in the flirting and make all kinds of excuses about why it is acceptable, I think you are to blame here. The dad might not see it as flirting and to insinuate that can cause a LOT more problems than not.
Tell them you need to move back home. Tell them whatever you want. But get out of that house before you single-handedly rip a family apart.
ami
Really, what is the harm in just asking someone to click Name/Url and type something in, instead of clicking anonymous.
I think you're being a bit pessimistic. It's not that big a
deal. And sometimes, there is no ignoring rude anon posters, especially if they decide to take over the thread or start a blog war. Maybe this way, more people will be on their p's and q's?
No one needs to be on their p's and q's, everybody needs to just be themselves.
We can't like everybody unfortunately. Not everyone has to like the new rules, and those who differ don't need to understand why that is. People have different likes and dislikes, and the sooner we understand that the better off we all will be, rather than try to mold others into our own likeness.
And OP, you are not 'singlehandedly
ripping any family apart'. The husband and you make 2 people he being the more culpable since he is the one with the vows; of course it does not make what you feel/do right, but you are hardly solely responsible.
It always amazes me how the 'other woman' is always to be blamed. Blame them both if you must cast blame, and if there is a greater portion allotted it should go to the HUSBAND!!!
Let's try not to forget that.
"I just want to get out before I do something that I'll regret"
So not following moral limits is ok with everyone? Yeah attention is nice but this man is married. I really cannot feel bad for anyone the dad or OP for not knowing boundaries. Lots of people are lonely. It's ridiculous that when anyone tries to comment on how inappropriate this is the rest make excuses. This should not have even happen and is inexcusable on both ends. Professionalism and self restraint people. Good grief.
It's good the OP at least has a moral compass that points slightly in the right direction.
Ami, I'm with you. There is a small group on here that are easy targets for the trolls because they are too immature or insecure or both to ignore them. At least we won't have to hear any ranting about the "cowardice" of anonymous posting, which, in my opinion, was ridiculous, as we are all anonymous on here regardless of whether we choose a moniker or not.
And when I said tell he truth I meant that OP should tell the next family she was in an uncomfortable situation with the dad and had to leave. That's being honest without incriminating herself. I'm sure OP would have had the common sense to figure that out even if someone who regularly posts here didn't.
Sarah & Mitch, when did I "make all kinds of excuses about why it is acceptable"? I think I've been very upfront about what I don't think is acceptable, despite the fact that FOR THE RECORD it was the dad that escalated things from just talking and laughing into the kinds of touching that made everything seem way inappropriate (like a hand on my lower back, massaging my shoulders, etc.)
Whatisup, I posted this because I do know where the boundries are and I definitely don't want to cross over them. Some commentors actually read my entire post instead of assuming I'm some kind of homewrecker here.
OP,
Please don't let people get you upset about this. Some people are very quick to judge because even though they may deny it, deep down they see themselves as the example by which we all should live. But they are naive if they think that things will always be hunky-dory and perfect and pretty and flowery, because s*** happens. We are all human, and you shouldn't judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. Too bad the people who are dissing you have not realized this.
You sound pretty smart to me, and you sound like a nice person too. Don't let the judgements get to you. They don't know you, k?
Peace.
K, M and Ami
This new comment policy must be bugging the hell out of you. If it sucks so bad, you know what you gotta do. We'd hate for you to be so uncomfortable around here, ya know?
Oh, and one more thing: a third party can't destroy someone's marriage if it is strong. This guy is a grown-up and if he really cared about his wife he would not be acting like that. When it's over, it's over, and women who blame the "other woman" (which at this point OP is NOT) are kidding themselves.
This probably doesn't matter to anyone, but this is a different "K" from the posts before...
Anyways OP like the other posters have said just leave now. Make something up, tell her that theres an emeregency with a grandparent or something, that you're going back to school - anything.
If she presses for details just say that you want to keep it private, it's none of her business.
Good luck!
OP I did read your entire post. The very statement I quoted in my comment means to me that you are losing sight of said boundaries. It is a hard situation to be in and I am in no way calling you a home wrecker, your decision to leave is the proper one. I really meant that it should not even be an issue with an employer/employee relationship. Both parties should act in a professional manner both in a home or in a corporate setting. Just leave, you owe no explanation other than you need to do what is best for yourself. And honestly you have to expect a bit of backlash here, you said you knew it would come so don't act so surprised.
The very statement that you quoted should have let you know that I'm VERY aware of where the boundries are. I expected a bit of "backlash" yes, by people who were jumping to the conclusion that I'd already done something wrong.
Marissa M, thanks for your support and kind offer. I appreciate it!
OP, I am a bit late reading this post and have yet to read all the comments. Sorry if any or all of this is a repeat of a previous poster.
Say nothing except that you will be leaving within the next 2 days.
I was much like you, when I was younger, in a way that I had yet to realize, as an adult, I was free to make choices without having to explain myself.
You realize you have crossed a line. (and you HAVE crossed a line flirting with a married man and daddy)Now it is time to act upon that realization, as you have made clear you are doing.
Go to mom and tell her that you will be leaving in a few days ,or sooner if she is able to arrange for family or friends to care for the kids. She might just have to prioritize for a couple of days and miss work while she makes new arrangements.
BTW, you are not alone, dad has also crossed a line!
You are not in anyway obligated to explain yourself. As much as she may probe, just tell her you are unable to go into details at this time. Yes, it may make things uncomfortable, but you are already uncomfortable now.
I advise against lying as to why you are leaving. I always abide by, "say nothing at all as opposed to a lie." JMO
There are many situations that could apply here.
Who is right or wrong and weather it is innocent or not, really is irrelevant.
It is a situation that you need to separate from asap.
You sound like a smart young women.
Keep in mind..
Throughout your life you will run into men that you will have chemistry with. They will be older, younger, married, rich, poor, available and unavailable.
Stick to the available..as you are, and life will be good to you!
As far as mom finding out. If her husband truly is a potential cheater or letch, she will find out in due time. If he truly found himself caught off gaurd and wrapped up in feeling good from some "new attention that boosted his ego(and that is truly all it was) once you are gone, that may be that..
If this were one of your dearest friends, I would advise telling mom after you were out of the house. At this point ,JMO, I would not say anything, even after you have left.I do not feel any good will come of it.
I wish you all the best and hope that you find a new job with wonderful charges and fabulous employers.
You are welcome OP. We are all rooting for you.
Ami, I think it's working already.
I haven't read all of the comments so I'm sorry if this has all ready been said, but I have some advise for OP and for any nanny.
I once worked for a family who I got along well with for about a year and a half. We ended up having a disagreement and they let me go on the spot. They wouldn't give me letter of reccomendation and I couldn't use them as a reference because they continued to badmouth me, even though they seemed to love me for the first year and a half.
Since then, I make sure to schedual a review with my current bosses every six months. I ask for a letter of reccomendation, so that if something like that ever happend again, they couldn't just dump me and say I've been horrible to their children for three years. Not that I think they would ever do something like that, but I really never could have imagined the other family doing it either.
OP, my advise would be to get a letter of reccomendation asap. You can't exactly ask for one out of the blue, (I told my bosses that I wanted one every six months when I was hired) but as soon as you give notice ask for one immediately. I'd tell them you are homesick and want to persue a job closer to home.
Suppose you gave notice, and dad got scared you were going to tell mom what happend between you two. So he decided to tell mom that you were trying to get in his pants, and he pushed you away. She would be horrible mad at you and probably not give you a good reference. That is why I suggest you get a letter of reccomendation. Things will probably work out fine and you'll get a great reference, but you can't be too careful. I've been burned, and I won't let it happen again.
Sorry about the long comment. I can get crazy sometimes. ;)
jerseyjacqui, I agree with you 100%. As to the situation of the OP, that's a bit of a sticky wicket, isn't it? Please go before something happens that you will not only regret but that will haunt you, perhaps forever.
You have not yet hurt anyone and can still prevent it. Best of luck.
Like, like, like, like learn to write. And then tell wifey that you are leaving.
snarky
why so rude? it's not like her post was riddled with that "like" crap.
I'm sorry I posted that anonymously, Jane, I meant to write OP, but I pressed 'enter' too soon.
Plus, you can understand my wanting to be anonymous on this posting, I'm sure.
snarkymama,
You sound unpleasant and rude. Your comment didn't really help OP at all. I thought her post was very well-written, and I've got, like, a freaking English degree.
I think that it is common for women to be peacemakers...probably why you are reluctant to cause any bad feelings. Plus you know that you were also being a flirt. You might be thinking that when you finally end it or give your two weeks, he will become defensive and try to place balme on you. My advice is that you have every right to say no, not anymore, I changed my mind, no further, or whatever to the husband.
Just be kind to yourself and feel good about making the right decision to end this instead of feeling guilt for past flirting. You confidence in making the right decision will help you find the strength to get out in a peaceful and professional way.
OP: You are perfectly normal and you did nothing wrong. If there is fault here, and I'm not so sure there is--flirtation is just flirtation, the fault is your male employer's. I am a nanny employer, but I can relate to how lonely/isolated I felt when I was home along with my baby (I took several months leave with each of my three--but I was alone in the house for my first and second since I didn't go switch from daycare to nanny care until my third). As much as it can be fun to be with an infant, after awhile you do want adult conversation and companionship. Could be your male employer is also having trouble adjusting from the more social office environment to stay-at-home, but sounds like he needs better self-control and judgement. Fortunately for Mom, sounds like you have both. You are smart to get out of this awkward situation and you should have confidence that you took the high road.
Like totally is it really a "freaking degree"? I think the degree may have been one of those online certificates you print ot at home.
Packing is a good ieda as you may have to leave quickly. I don't think it does any good to tell mom what happened because nothing really happened, just feelings you have. You can not really be sure what the dad thinks and feels. It is a good idea to go with your gut and leave if you are not comfortable.
OP, I am so glad you've gotten such great support from all of the posters. This is a really tough situation and I think you're making the most of it. I am also a nanny that just moved up to the Philly area from WV. If you can't get out of here soon enough, message me. I'd definitely be happy to talk to another WV'an. :) Good luck!
snarkymama,
I'm not going to swear at you. Even though you deserve it.
No, actually it was not a through-the-mail degree. I had an actual graduation, with a cap and gown and beer. I also put my own freaking self through school without anyone's help by working my ass off.
That being said, I think a person can have a million degrees and still be dumb. I don't think I'm brilliant, but I'm not dumb either. And I think more important than being smart is being kind. You seem unkind. Yes, I know, this is just an internet board. But you can still tell which people are nice in real life. If you have to pick on people on an internet board for no reason and make fun of them like you do to people, chances are, you're probably a jerk-ass in real life.
I'm a nice person. I try not to be mean unless someone really deserves it. Too bad you're just mean like you're handing out freaking lemon drops.
Umass, I love you and think you're freaking hilarious! You are definately one of my top 3 favorite posters on this board.
And for those that may not care, the poster above that used my old moniker "anonnomore", was NOT me!
Dear OP,
Good for you girl! We've all made bad choices; we've all exhibited poor judgement; and we've definetly all been in situations where loneliness made us more vulnerable. The difference with you is that you are putting a stop to it; you realize that your reputation and character is worth more then anything.
It does seem like you would like to be honest with the mom; however, I would have to agree with some of the other posters, she most likely will not want to believe you and you will be the one with the shady reference. As far as telling the next family why you left? Again, I do not think this is wise. Not because you did anything wrong (on the contrary, you were doing something quite right), but I guarantee other mothers would just see that it could have happened and would want to steer clear.
Good luck, OP!!!
Providing I was able to get out of there with a good reference, I would never, ever tell the next family why I left that job. It would make you look very unprofessional, even if you did nothing wrong. What Employer wants to hear that you *almost* had an affair with the Dad at your previous nanny job? I certainly wouldn't, and I'd probably see you as some kind of drama queen for even bringing it up.
thank you, cfg. Likewise, my friend. :)
h-i-j-l-n lead the way, you first!
and I think you meant H-i-j-l-M
Well, CFG, I noticed on several threads that your old, "new" moniker(anonnomore) was being used by someone other than you.I think you should get royalties at the very least!(tee-hee)
Umasslytherin, I must admit, it took me quite a a while to really come to enjoy your posts.
You are like Scotch, an aquired taste.
Your posts are a treat and often enigmatic. You color outside of the lines and some people just can't handle that! Especially those who spend all their time trying to stay inside the lines so that they blend in to the crowd..ya, know, fit in..need approval.
I have spent 16 years telling my son, "stop trying so hard to be like everyone else. Stop trying so hard to blend in with the crowd,c ause honey, you were definatley made to stand out in a crowd."
He told me he hated that when he was little, but now, he gets it.And it's cool.
Oh, I also LOVE that you don't glamorize everything. Your sense of humor is fabulous..But even I didn't realize how funny that is until recently.
I was the anonymous poster who complained , a few weeks back,about you telling someone to shove a Mandrake plant up their arse.
I was wrong and I am sorry.
Happy posting and keep coloring outside the lines! It's always fun when someone with a twist on things enters the room!
whoops, I meant difinitely!
I agree with most of the comments -get out ASAP. I definitely don't think you need to tell the mom why - that would just cause too many problems for the family. I wouldn't concern yourself with that - just get out!
thank you butt looks big. That's very...big of you. :)
May Michael Pitt's love shine on you. All of your days.
Dear K
Maybe in the future you should just stick to commenting, and not correcting what other people use as monikers. How obnoxious.
It must've obviously gone over your head, but I purposely meant to use h-i-j-l-n .....
I left out the letters "K" and "M" because those were the 2 letters of the posters I was referencing. Get it now?
Awww, my new friend is making new friends!! You have no idea how happy that makes me feel, "does this moniker make my butt look big", LOL!
Yeah, Umass had to kind of grow on me -- and I mean I really had to water her too, Hee-Hee! But now, I totally dig her! She's one of the best here, and I can always count on a good laugh with her.
Likewise Umass, "does this moniker..." is a good one to have in your corner. :)
Let's all hug! (passes the scotch to her right...)
H-I-J-L-N
Thanks for the explanation, as I thought you simply messed up the alphabet as well.
By the way, you sound pretty obnoxious yourself!
Hmmm...OP, good for you for not crossing that line. Flirting can easily get out of hand. of course we should never start in the first place...but it often starts out so innocently that it just sort of sneaks up on you and smacks you in the face whena line is crossed.
At any rate, you sound like a person with a good head on her shoulders and some decent morals.
Quit immediately...like with two or three days notice. Two weeks might be too much time to resist the tempatation...especially once dad knows you will be leaving.
On the other hand...maybe dad is a decent guy also, who let something get out of hand for the first time too...and mayeb is also remorseful and scared. Just in case that is true, don't rat him out...just go. If he is a cheater, his wife will find out one way or another.
Go go go! You sound like the kind of good person who is going to have a hard time getting over it if you go too far. Try to keep it that way!
I have a different opinion and that is that your perks could improve if you do cross that line.
From what I have seen of nanny employers, most have no respect for their nanny as a person. Nannies are treated as expendable commodities, much like pink grapefruit scented trash can liners.
Do what feels good.
Look out for #1.
I do. And I'm way ahead of my friends who got bogged down by doing the right thing, thinking green or erring on the bogus side of kindness.
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