The Wedding Sitter

Hi everyone! I have been asked to babysit for a family from daycare in a couple of weeks for a wedding. The family is great, and I worked with their 5 year old daughter, who is hilarious! Part of the job that day involves keeping her occupied/supervised during the ceremony. I am concerned about this because their 3 year old is very strong and independent. (Mom has told me this herself.) I have babysat for this family before, and B (the 3 year old) did fine. Mom and M (the 5 year old) are both in the wedding. After the ceremony, I need to keep the girls occupied during pictures. What are age appropriate activities for a church? I should already know this, I just want some ideas, as I have never worked during a wedding. Second of all is pay. The babysitting service I used to go through had a minimum of $10/hr for all awake hours and $50 flat rate overnight. Is this a fair price? Last but not least, because I will be chasing a preschooler around, am I supposed to dress up? Thanks!

Houge Park in San Jose, CA

This incident occurred approximately a month ago (end of May) at Houge Park in San Jose, CA -- I've only recently (re)discovered this site and thought that although this sighting is a month old, it might still be worth a post.

Nanny: A young (early 20s) Caucasian female, slightly overweight, average height. She had pink hair and was wearing a sleeveless striped button-down blouse and a bowler-type hat of some sort.

Charge: A male child, approximately 4 years old, Caucasian, with blonde hair.

When: I initially arrived at the park with my charges, I noticed this woman because of her unusual hair and her very distinct, loud voice. She was talking to a mother (or perhaps another nanny) who was pushing her child/charge in the swings. The pink-haired nanny was sharing "funny" anecdotes about her charge, and the way that she was speaking, I initially thought that she was the child's mother. While she was talking, her charge roamed the (relatively large) park freely, and she never once stopped her conversation to make sure that he was nearby and safe. Initially I filed the sighting under the "unfortunately typical inattentive nanny" category, and just tried to periodically visually locate her charge and make sure he was never in danger, since she seemed more intent on having conversations about him with the local mothers than she was on actually paying attention to him.

However, about 20 minutes into our visit to the park, I heard this nanny shouting expletives over her cell phone. She continued her loud, heated argument for a good 10 minutes while sitting at the corner of a picnic table, again completely ignoring her charge's whereabouts. Meanwhile, the boy had found another boy his age to play with, and that boy's mother seemed to have more or less taken over care of the child, supervising their game of catch and engaging both children contentedly (the way the nanny SHOULD have been). At some point my older charge wandered over to their ball game, and I noticed the nanny was nowhere to be found and I could no longer hear her arguing. Her charge was playing without any of her supervision -- she totally and completely allowed a stranger (a mother, but a stranger nonetheless) to take over care.

Eventually she returned and told the boy it was time to get going to "meet mommy". This was the point at which I realized she was NOT the child's mother. I, of course, can't guarantee this was a nanny -- could have been an aunt, a family friend, a big sister. I have no idea who was caring for this child, but whoever this woman was, she was clearly far too distracted by her social life to be involved in the care of a preschooler, ESPECIALLY in such a busy, public setting.

La Cienega Park, Beverly Hills, CA

At this park, there is an unspoken rule that other kids can play with your kid’s toys if left unattended in the sand area. If your child does play with someone else’s toys, the toys should not be moved from where they were or taken to another location. Generally, everyone abides by this rule and respects each other’s toys. However, there have been recent incidents that have occurred that just boggles the mind, where the nanny/parent just allows the child to take the toys that are not his/hers. My 20 month son has had numerous shovels and buckets (sand toys) missing from the sand area and it is sad that now we are reluctant to share or take our toys to the park anymore. We leave the toys in the sand and go onto the grass area and feed my son lunch and when we come back, the toys are gone! I just don’t understand adults who clearly see that the toy that the child is holding or is taking home either did not bring or does not belong to the child – and does not bother to give back or leave it where they found it! So annoying and stupid! It ruins it for everyone else who is willing to share their toys and teach their child how to share with others.

Still Think They are Safe at Nursery?

A woman arrives to collect her two-year-old toddler from nursery and proudly watches as he tenderly kisses his carers goodbye. All except for one, that is.

At the time, the mother, a professional in her 30s, didn’t think any more of it. After all, her son had been going there from the age of six weeks and had always seemed fine.

So it was only a few weeks later when she was called in to see the nursery manager and told that there had been ‘a bit of an incident’ involving her child and the carer whom he would not kiss, one Nisha Rani, that she started to put two and two together. (continued...)

PLEASE CLICK HERE TO READ MORE

The Pain of Sleep Training

By Nanny Megan
For the last couple months, A has been having trouble sleeping through the night. He has been waking up once, maybe twice a night. The lack of sleep at night has an effect on his nap schedule, which in turn messes up our day.

As of lately, we have been giving sleep training a go, and have found that some methods work much better than others. For those of you who are unfamiliar with sleep training, there are four main methods: (http://www.thecradle.com/bringingbabyhome/sleeptrainingmethods). I will explain each and tell you which method works best for A.

1. The Sleepeasy Solution

a. This approach was developed with an efficient yet compassionate approach in mind. In short, you might hear some crying, but you’re going to discover how to phase your baby into learning how to sleep.

Pros: You’ll receive lots of handholding and reassurance. Their compassionate approach soothes babies - and parents too! This program gives you age-specific tips on frequency and length of naps

Cons: You’re going to hear some crying. This method isn’t cry-proof, so prepare yourself for some tears, even if they’re only temporary. This method advocates for frequent “check-ins” on your infant while she is crying, so for the first few nights that the baby is adjusting to things, expect fragmented sleep.

2. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child

a. Considered the infant sleep bible by many parents, this information-packed book was written by the renowned pediatrician and childhood sleep expert Dr. Marc Weissbluth. Parents (and Nannies) will learn about the deep-rooted causes of their babies’ sleep problems and find research-based approaches on how to correct them.

Pros: You’ll learn how to start sleep-training your baby as soon as you bring her home from the hospital.

Cons: While the author doesn’t believe excessive crying is necessary to sleep train, it is part of the method. So, parents should be prepared for some tears as they implement new “sleep rules.”

3. The No-Cry Sleep Solution

a. Pantley’s approach avoids agonizing nights of crying in favor of more subtle ways of teaching your baby good sleep habits.

Pros: This gentle approach will appeal to parents who absolutely can’t stand the thought of hearing their baby cry. Pantley’s plan works for babies as well as toddlers - and those who are bottle and breastfed. She gives specific instructions for each unique situation.

Cons: Because this sleep training is gradual, it means you’re not going to get that full night’s sleep you’ve been dreaming about - at least for a little while. Instead of the baby doing the work (crying it out), you’re going to be doing the work. Expect to put in the middle-of-the-night hours you need to make this solution a success for your baby.

4. The Ferber Method

a. At the heart of his system is the belief that infants should learn to self-soothe - a process that he suggests parents start between the ages of 4 and 6 months. In short, parents are encouraged to follow a consistent bedtime routine and then put their baby to bed awake, leaving him to fuss or cry for sometimes long periods of time, broken up by check-ins.

Pros: The Ferber Method has been praised by many for its efficient approach to sleep training. Most babies begin to respond, in some way, after the first night and many more fall in line a few days later.

Cons: Despite this streamlined approach to sleep training, some parents won’t be able to stomach the crying necessary for a successful outcome. Some children vomit as a result of prolonged crying. In the book, Dr. Ferber says this shouldn’t deter you from training your child.

These sleep methods work differently for each child, but a seemed to respond best to the “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child” method. It was, what we felt, was the gentlest approach. We did try The Ferber Method, but the crying was a little hard to stomach, and after night 5, progress was not being made.

What I would love to know is if any of you had trouble with your young charges’ sleeping habits, and if so what did you guys to get through it? What methods have you tried? Is there a method you know of that’s not listed here?
________________________________________________________
Please visit Megan's Blog at: http://minglingwithmegan.blogspot.com/

Flexibilty Goes Both Ways...

First off all Congratulations for the blog. I am currently a nanny for a 20 mos old and a 3.2 years old little girl. At this point I am having a couple of bumps with my boss.

She was mad because I told her i was going to arrive at 8:30am and she knew I was at the dentist appointment. As soon as she called I text saying I was still there and was going to call when i was done. I got at work at 8:50 and she was furious - also I request a day off and she cannot allow me since I gave her 1.5 week notice, she claims i need to give her a month notice.

I am extremely flexible with them, never leave at 5 pm but it seams the flexibility does not go both ways. And she also tells me I do not like her family, do not like her kids and we will sit down and talk - at the end of the day she does not even say a word to me and the next morning act as nothing have happen. I understand her frustration but also would like the to be more respectful and flexible with me (I work from 7-6pm most of days and if I am running 5 min late she takes it out of my paycheck) Once again thank you and I am looking forward to hear from you soon.

Mothers and Professional Nannies....

I am a nanny for two children. They are a year and a half apart. They fight all day every day and over everything. I spend 12 hours a day with them. I need for this to stop. I would humbly request your best advice for dealing with sibling rivalry. Issues include fighting, arguing, hitting, antagonizing, constantly trying to one up the other, not being able to sit on a sofa and watch a movie without some of the above occuring, not being able to keep their hands and feet to themselves at breakfast, dinner, lunch, etc. HELP!! They are 4 and a half and 6 years old.

Sand Box park in Penn South Housing

WHEN/WHERE: On June 21 at 4:30 PM and at Sand Box park in Penn South Housing (8th and 26th behind gristedes store)
WHO: light haired very curly haired girl, about two
nanny?? -an older woman was probably 50s or early 60s. (see pic below)
WHAT: I am not sure who the adult is in relation to this child. The little girls stood crying LOUDLY next to the swing for several minutes and many of us nannies and moms looked around for her caregiver. Turned
out she was sitting on bench about 10 feet away. She didn't attend to child until I asked if she was with the little girl. I wasn't sure if it was a 2 year old tantrum and planned to give her the benefit of the doubt but the way she managed/dragged the little girl was definitely cold and rough. At that point, i didn;t feel the need to post this.

Later the little girl was fighting some older girls (i think they took something from her) and another girl came to her rescue (7?). The older woman with her didn't do anything, she sat on bench nearby. I asked the girl if she was her big sister, but she said no, the little girl was a daughter of her mom's co-worker, so it wasn't clear if she was a nanny.

SOOOO i do not know if this is a nanny sighting, BUT if this was a nanny, i would be a very upset parent (of course, that's no better if she is her grandmother, aunt etc...)

Swimmer's Ear

Hi. I am a nanny and I love my job. The parents stay out of my hair and I make more than any other nanny I have met. I live in the basement of their home which is a walkout basement. I have my own entrance to come and go as I want. I have no complaints about my job except something weird to discuss. After the parents put the kids to bed, they sometimes go down to the pool or hot tub which is literally out my window, but I often leave the window open at night because the air is so nice. I better back up here, the parents I work for are hands on. I take care of absolutely everything during the day-playdates, appointments, shopping, etc but the second they walk in the door, I am off. Sometimes it is as late as 7, but sometimes it is as early as 5. It doesn't matter which parent comes home, they thank me and send me off. Many times I will just go somewhere right after work. My car is in a double car garage with a vehicle they don't really use, so they never know if I am home or not. On Friday, the husband came home around 530 and talked briefly about the day and sent me on my way. I had been feeling sick all day, so I didn't feel like going out. I didn't mention this but went to get my handbag and some books from the car and went downstairs. I took some tylenol and fell asleep, probably before 7. I woke up and I heard quiet noises outside the pool. I was too tired to even get up and use the bathroom. I just laid there trying to go back to sleep. I heard whisper and laughing. I think I heard the sound of glasses clinking. Nothing unusual at all. Saturday morning I still felt sick I woke up and went back to sleep. Around 1PM, I woke up feeling completely better. I got showered and went to go do some shopping. As I was backing up, my male employer waved to me and stopped me. He asked me for a favor. He said he had an important conference call to make and could I come up to main house and watch the kids for an hour and a half or so around 4? I said of course. I ran some quick errands. Came back. Went upstairs and he thanked me profusely. He went in to his office and I played some boardgames for the kids. In about an hour, he came back up and handed me some cash and said "thanks so much, ---(Wife)-- got stuck in --(city she travels to atleast once a week)----- last night and I forgot I had this thing". Okay, so I leave. I go back Monday morning as usual and everything is fine. He is gone. She is there. She asks me about my weekend. I tell her about being sick and doing nothing all weekend. We make small talk and she runs out the door. The same thing today, except they both left together. My question is who was in the pool/hot tub on Friday night. My mind says let it go, but I cant stop thinking about it. Part of me thinks I might have been sicker than I thought and imagined it all.

"Overparenting" ...discuss...

Afraid to quit?

I work for a stay at home mother with two children. I make good money and have great benefits. I don't have to do any housecleaning, except as related to cleaning up after the kids, which is not easy since the family lives in an expanive home and the children have more than any child I've ever even seen in movies. I do a lot of picking up after them and organizing their toys and clothes and books. The housekeeper washes and folds their clothes but I have to put them away. The children are also almost 2 and almost 4. The almost 4 is going to do a 1/2 day, 3 day a week program in the fall. My hours are LONG. I live in a gatehouse on their propery. I start work at 730 and work until 730 PM. When I first started, I was told I would probably never need to work that long unless she was out. I also babysit when they go out during the week. A weekend nanny arrives Friday at 7 and stays until Sunday night. When I started, I was told that she wanted a nanny so she could have one on one time with her first child. Prior to my start, she had a babynurse for almost two years. I am paid well and have great benefits. But, she doesn't ever spend quality time with her older child or her younger child. Ever. She told me she was having another baby (planned) due January. I had a feeling she might be pregant but my mind wouldnt process that because I don't understand why she wants another child. As it is, this job completely consumes me except when the weekend nanny is there. During her revelation that she was pregnant, her husband comes in and puts his arm around her and says, "she's going to count on you for some extra help and even some TLC".  I don't know if I want to be a nanny to three young children. It seems she increasingly relies on me to raise her two children and it feels so wrong for the children.  I think I need to quit, but she and even her husband are so reliant on me, I am afraid they could get nasty. My friend suggested I gradually start moving my things out of the gatehouse, just in case they flip out on me. Ideally, I would stay until they find another nanny. I would offer that. I am also going to be looking for a new nanny job in this area, but wouldn't feel right doing that until I talked to my current employers. I am also concerned as to the reason to cite for leaving.

Encounter with foul mouthed child has nanny second guessing her actions...

What is the appropriate course of action for a nanny to take in a situation like this?

I recently took my 6 and 7 year old charges to the park. It was pretty crowded and there were lots of children using the playground equipment, so I was very careful to stay close and keep eyes on the children. At one point a boy (who couldn't have been older than 6 or 7 himself) shouts at my charge : "Shut up you f***ing b****!"

I looked at the boy, horrified, and demanded he take me to his mother. He
promptly ran away. As soon as he did I realized there would be no real point in speaking to the mother. It would have ended up as a shouting match, possibly with more cursing from her. What would be the point?

I told the kids that what that boy said was unacceptable and purposefully foul and hurtful, and that they would be in huge trouble if I or their parents ever heard them say anything like that. They claim not to have heard anything, but you never know.

Was my course of action appropriate? Should I tell the parents what happened? If one of the kids ever repeats one of those curse words I will for sure be blamed, and explaining what happened AFTER the fact will sound like an excuse.

Mother takes on her napping nanny...

from the Stir... I have two nannies to care for my twins. Not because I'm rich and fancy and have one for each child (could you imagine?!), but because they work on different days and I have them both as part of a nanny share. I wish I just had one all week -- the original nanny we hired when I went back to work when my kids were 12 weeks old. Oh how easy paying her would be, how I wouldn't be forced to compare and wish the other one was more like this one -- but she's with another family on the other days.

So that other nanny ... well ... she likes to take naps. On the job. Read the whole article here: My Child's Nanny Is Not Allowed to Take a Nap.

Chelsea Waterside Park in NYC

For those of you who love bringing your kids to frolic in the water at Chelsea Waterside Park as much as I do, I witnessed some extremely disturbing behavior by a nanny there Friday, (June 17th) morning at around 10am. This nanny took the 3 year old boy she was looking after by some of the spouts where the water sprays out, pulled down his shorts, and told him to go to the bathroom there! It was definitely her idea and not his, because the little boy seemed uncomfortable going to the bathroom there out in the public, yet the nanny kept patting him on the behind and encouraging him to go ahead.

I was extremely upset by this because my daughter Sydney and hundreds of other little kids splash and play in the this area all the time, and the way the park is set up all the water eventually flows together at the opposite end of the park, which is often turned into a kiddie pool when it gets really hot. When I asked the nanny to please not allow her boy to pee in the park, especially directly in the heavily used water play area, and to take him to the nearby Chelsea Piers bathroom or port-a-potty instead, she was extremely rude and responded, "It's not like we do this all the time, just every once in a while." When I explained that a lot of little kids played in the area and might ingest some of the water by mistake, she feigned ignorance and said, "Oh really? Kids drink this water?" Which was really beside the point.

I usually try to mind my own business, but the idea that a professional caregiver doesn't care that she's spreading urine all around a public water park is just not acceptable to me. I snapped a picture of this nanny in case anyone knows the family she works for and can please mention this incident to them, especially given that it's apparently been going on for a while. Also, outside of helping her boy pee in the middle of a public playground, she completely ignored him and her brother (around 18-24 months old, asleep in a grey double McClaren stroller) and pecked away on her iPhone the entire time. At one point the older boy was dangling by one arm from the climbing apparatus, apparently stuck, and she didn't even notice. I believe she's Filipina, and her two little boys were both light brunettes wearing shorts.

Stranger reports nanny's misdeeds to mother...

Dear ISYN readers.

I was stunned last week when a stranger with kids of her own approached me in the park to tell me that she'd seen my nanny with my kids several times over the months, yelling and generally being cross with them. She and I had never met but she told me that she thought I should know because as I parent she would want to know. I started to ask for more details - basically she says that she just "yells at them all the time." I was too stunned to talk more but have been mulling it over the weekend and I don't know what to do next. My struggle is that this just seems completely out of character for our nanny.

Our nanny has been with us for 2 years, taking care of my son and daughter who are 4 and 2. She's older (60s), raised 7 kids of her own (!) and indespensible. We pay her on the books, quite well compared with the rest of the neighborhood (according to her), paid vacation (officially 2 weeks but it ends up being 3 weeks paid), sick days, petty cash on the counter for whatever activities she wants to do during the day with the kids, $1000 bonus at Christmas, $500 on her birthday, etc. Raise of $1/hour this past year even though her responsibilities decreased a bit as my son started full-day preschool. She tells us all the time that she's happy with us, we tell her the same. I give this background because all indication points to a good working relationship and I have no reason to think she'd be unhappy with her job - she and I are very open about what she needs and what we need and it has always been mutually agreeable. She's not "perfect" in the sense that she has been a bit forgetful from time to time (forgetting her keys, or forgetting a diaper bag, minor things like that, certainly nothing that ever made me concerned for her or my kids safety) and after raising 7 kids of her own she doesn't do much running around on the playground, but those are hardly major offenses. If someone had approached me saying that they were concerned that she had forgotten something major I could buy that, but yeling at my kids all the time? It just seems so implausable.

So I don't know what to do next? I don't want to be an ostrich with my head in the sand if something is really going on but I don't want to overreact either. Now that I have a clear head, I wish I had asked this mom to describe her so that I could be sure she had the right person but she seemed to recognize my kids and we don't have any other babysitters so I don't know who else she would have seen with them. They do have a neighborhood network of three other nannies that all hang together so maybe it was someone else? I really do trust my nanny and to ask her about this conversation just seems so insulting to her. I would love any advice from ISYN readers - nannies and moms both please!

What do I do?

I am a current nanny of a wonderful and although we had our differences on some childcare issues- we got along rather well. I have been with the family almost a year. ( in July). I did sit down with MB and asked her about a raise on the anniversary date. I started with my charge when she was an infant and now she is a thieving and energetic toddler. MB told me she did do research and found what she thought was good pay. Maybe for a baby- but there is a lot more activity now as a toddler. The toddler only sleeps, maybe, less than two hours. I do housekeeping, childcare and laundry. I also take charge to classes and activities in my own car. That’s hard to do on $8 an hour (Michigan pay). So she told me that she could possible pay vacations now- um- how's that going to help? I take one vacation a year. So pay will probably not change- they current family says they have to be careful with their money. I understand- but why a new patio set and new odds and ends for your house?

I was offered a new position and now the hard part- telling the current family. I want to leave on a good note. I will truly miss my charge (she is an only child)- she has grown in my life and I want to stay in hers. The new position offers more money and I only care for the child.

The new position starts at the end of August. When is a good time to talk to the MB and DB? How do I tell them? I don’t want to upset them and only be a memory. Thanks for all your advice.

200 Fifth Avenue at 23rd Street - Manahattan

Thursday, June 16, 2011 – I saw a nanny walking down Fifth Avenue pushing a young girl, approximately 2 ½ year old, screaming her head off with real tears and her face flushed red because she had being crying for so long. The nanny was on her cell phone talking away. The nanny was African-American, (no accent), late 20's to early 30's, short, petite and had long curly hair with some rust highlights (to the shoulder). She was wearing sunglasses and had on a spaghetti top shirt that was a tiered ruffled type with white, tan, yellow being the color of the tiers. She was indignant. I approached her and told her to get off the phone (she kept talking away) and tend to the little girl and she used extremely foul language to me at the top of her lungs in front of your child. I won’t mention the words but they started with the letter “F” and many variations thereof. She said, “If you are so worried about her why don’t you take care of her then?” Nice attitude. I said that if I did she would have a better chance. This was peppered with additional foul language in front of her child. She was a nasty, vile woman and whoever employs this nanny should fire her immediately as now it is screamingly obvious how she handles your precious little girl. She does not care about your daugher and obviously does not want to take care of her either. I told her that I would never allow my child to be cared for by someone like her. Other people in the area (even the newsstand owner) were just as horrified. Poor baby. The little girl was approximately 2 ½ years old with light brown wavy hair. Her was sort of a bob style (chin length). She was wearing a dress or skirt but I was so upset that I cannot recall the details. I wish that I had my cell phone with me to take a picture.

The nanny crossed at 23rd and Fifth Avenue heading towards Madison Square Park with the little girl still crying. No attention paid to the girl by the nanny at any point. No comforting nothing. The nanny remained on her phone through the entire exchange. The girl looked at me pleadingly when I looked back. Poor baby. Be safe and God bless her and get her away from this wretched woman.

What is Nanny Professionalism?

Written By Mary S.
Why is it that unprofessional Nanny behavior is so very rampant in the Nanny profession? I think it is because Nannies, like many in other professions, do not understand what professionalism really is and how it can be an asset to them.

Professionalism has nothing to do with a salary or a title -- anyone can be a professional if they commit to it. Professionalism is the total package of attitude, speech, behavior, and appearance. Professionals are perceived to be a “class act”; people you can trust. They need not demand respect because instead, they inspire it. Insisting upon professional behavior makes them serious role models, not mean bitches.

You know how almost everyone you do business with (health care professionals, auto maintenance workers, utilities, contractors, government agencies, etc.) has some sort of written contract you must sign before proceeding to do business with them? There is a reason for that. It spells out expectations on both sides, and holds both sides accountable. It is objective and unemotional, clearing the path for professional behavior on both sides.

How to approach the concept of an employment contract.
They way you present the contract is equally as important as the contents of the contract. You DO NOT present it diffidently or with embarrassment, as something that you hope they will accept. Rather you present it confidently and with optimism, implying that of course they will be as invested in it as you are, and for the same reasons -- the establishment of and protection of a professional relationship with healthy boundaries.

If the employers intend that you sign and abide by THEIR contract, express appreciation for the fact that they have a contract and state that you would never consider employment without one. But in a matter-of-fact way point out that you will be negotiating using your own contract, which is open to their input but will be written and finalized by you. They sign, you initialize -- not the other way around.

Why is authorship important? Like other professionals, you are the one providing the service, therefore you are the one who dictates the terms of the contract. If you are the author of the contract, the parents will be more inclined to pay attention to it because: if your contract is broken, you will quit; if the parents’ contract is broken, the parents will fire you. Authorship=authority; authority=ownership; ownership=control of destiny.

These may seem like radical or even subversive concepts to some Nannies, but in reality they are quite common and unremarkable in the professional world. Because Nannying involves work that is very sentimental and intimate, it can be difficult to view it rationally and objectively, but it is precisely because it is so sentimental and intimate that professionalism is critical to a successful working relationship.

If the parents cannot handle all these elements of a contract with aplomb, they are not ready for a professional employer-Nanny relationship and you need to keep looking. In fact, the pre-employment screening is the most critical part of a Nanny’s career maneuvers... being able to suss out dysfunctional families before even agreeing to enter into a contract will prevent 95% of all employer-Nanny problems.

So pay attention to the nuances during an interview. Do NOT apologize, over-explain, or try to force-fit your concept of a contract over their pre-existing concept... it will not work. If met with uncertainty, calmly clarify; but if met with opposition or hostility, be confident in yourself, disengage, and move on. A healthy employer-Nanny relationship is truly a joy; a dysfunctional one lands you a post on ISYN filled with whining and ranting.

How professionalism can prevent job creep.
You need to step into every new Nanny job with an acutely pro-active attitude and razor-sharp vigilance. Once hired, remain aware of the exact terms of your contract -- it’s not just a pretty piece of paper, it is a document governing behavior; USE IT! When a special request is made, don’t immediately smile brightly and say eagerly, “Sure! No problem!”. Instead, pause to evaluate how compliant it is with your contract and generally do NOT agree to do it. Some parents have a longer learning curve than others, so you will need to be persistent and consistent, but the simple truth is that you cannot be taken advantage of unless you permit it.

Now granted, every professional must balance being flexible with not permitting oneself to be taken advantage of. You can bend the rules now and then but ONLY if you are strong enough to immediately go back to enforcing the contract after making it clear that you made a rare special exception. This is where a lot of Nannies start to dig their own hole; they may start out strong but once they bend the rules even once, they are reluctant to go back to enforcing them. Don’t fall into this trap; if you do, you have no one but YOURSELF to blame.

Another way that many Nannies start to dig their own hole is to say to themselves, “Hmm, it’s technically breaking the rules but I really don’t mind.”... only to discover that, once it’s habitual, they do indeed mind. You know how a teacher will say to a student, “I can’t do that for you, because then I’d have to do it for everyone else.”? Well that’s the way to look at job creep, which you can nip in the bud by saying “I can’t do it this time, because then I’d have to do it every time.”.

Now occasionally, a family’s circumstances will change and what the parents didn’t used to do to you, or ask you to do for them, will begin to become a recurring issue. There are times when there is a legitimate need to change the parameters of your job. If you are being vigilant, as you should, you will recognize this fairly quickly and call for a re-negotiation of your contract because that is what professionals do instead of whining, complaining, ranting, or seething while being passive-aggressive.

How professionalism can prevent emotional dysfunction.
How many times has a Nanny said, regarding a horrific job, “I stay in spite of it all because I love the kids so much, and they would be devastated to lose me.”

If this applies to you, then you need to learn what appropriate emotional boundaries are and how to set them. You are doing neither yourself NOR your charges any favors if you behave like a family member rather than a professional. This is why people in other caregiving professions are specifically and carefully taught how and why to set boundaries. Do you think health care professionals, social workers, teachers, etc., ever remain trapped in dysfunctional relationships because their clients would be “devastated” if they left? Of course not, and neither should the professional Nanny.

Setting appropriate emotional boundaries is not the sign of a less-loving Nanny, or a cold Nanny, or a Nanny “just doing a job”; rather, it is the sign of a professional Nanny who does not want to compromise the Nanny-charge relationship by refusing to acknowledge the respective roles in that relationship. If you handle this issue professionally, the children will be sad at your eventual departure, and will miss you for a while -- but if they truly are “devastated”, you will have left them crippled rather than empowered. In addition, you will have demonstrated your own immaturity by enabling a dysfunctional relationship in which your over-investment emotionally has compromised your commitment to your professionalism.

In summary.
Because Nannies are largely un-regulated, and have job duties involving what is typically viewed as the role of any random (but good) mother in the neighborhood, they’ve never really coalesced as a professional entity. Nannies have many obstacles to overcome if they wish to avoid the roadblocks to being treated as professionals, but the good news is that the power is in the hands of the Nannies themselves. This means Nannies need only be exploited to the extent they allow it, and they will be empowered to the extent they take charge. Remember, Nannies are a commodity desperately needed, not a service begging to be used.

Advice on Dealing with an Angry Older Child?

I am having problems with a very rude charge of mine. Currently, I have the best nanny job that I’ve had since becoming one. I have wonderful employers, one of which used to be a nanny herself, and I also get paid very well and they treat me with respect and sincerity. My ‘family’ structure is a bit different than others I have worked for, because I technically have 3 employers. The original mother that hired me is a newly single mom currently going through a rough divorce and has a 9 year old girl (L.) and an 11 year old boy (R.). Her sister and her husband live nearby and have a 6 year old son (B.) that I also take care of at the same time. Here is my problem:

The 11 year old boy is extremely rude and disrespectful to me, almost on a daily basis. I know he’s going through some tough family stuff and probably doesn’t know how to deal with it, except in anger and frustration. Not only does he not listen to instructions, but he says rude and mean things to me and I know he’s just eleven, but it still gets to me! I don’t lash out back at him obviously and I do my best to discipline him, but it’s just getting worse, in regards to him getting increasingly meaner and also me getting pretty fed up with it. Additionally, he is very nasty to his 9 year old sister, more than normal sibling rivalry, and to me is on the levels of bullying. His family is very well aware of the situation, and we do discuss it together. There have been threats of no after school sports, taking him to after school care, and even enrollment in a military style boarding school. These threats don’t seem to work, and I do keep his mom up to date on my daily interactions with him.

I’m used to taking care of younger children, and mostly girls at that. I’m not really used to such extreme levels of backtalk and I just don’t know what to do. Has anyone had to deal with issues like a rough divorce and rude, older children? I’ve been ‘given permission’ to be as hard with him as I can as far as punishments go, but it’s getting increasingly difficult, and honestly…his comments are beginning to really get to me. Advice?

The Nannying Pre-school Teacher

By Nanny Megan
As a nanny, I have become obsessed with reading parenting books, preschool curriculum books, and any other book that is baby/child/toddler related. I have taken numerous amounts of Child Development classes, and I just can’t get enough of the stuff. It’s amazing that after reading so many books and taking all of these classes, that I still find something new to absorb from each lesson.

I wanted to share a couple of books that I use as a nanny for a 20 month old toddler on a daily basis. I try to make everything we do a learning experience. That includes outings, activities, open play, arts and crafts, and reading time.

The first book is “The Toddler’s Busy Book”. It is written by Trish Kuffner, and is jam packed with a creative game and activity to keep your 1 ½ to 3 year old busy 365 days out of the year. The activities are split up by subject and the subjects include: Rainy Day Play, Kids in the Kitchen, Water Play, Outdoor Adventures, Out and About, Nursery Rhymes and Finger Plays, Early Learning Fun, Music and Movement, Arts and Crafts, and Birthdays and Holidays. It is one of the most helpful books I have ever used as a Nanny. A and I have done quite a few activities from this book, and he seems to have enjoyed every one of them. They are activities that are geared towards toddlers, and they have modifications to gear toward your toddler’s exact age. For example, it will give you the guidelines for a certain activity, and then it will give you some modifications if you have an older toddler and the same if you have a younger toddler.

The second and last book is called “Toddlers Together”. It is written by Cynthia Catlin. It is a complete planning guide for a toddler curriculum. It’s activities are set up similar to the curriculum you would find in a preschool class room. There are seven chapters that are split up by season. This book suggest you introduce a new “lesson” to the toddler every two weeks, and it gives you plenty of activities, crafts, and field trips that pertain to the lesson you are teaching. A and are about a quarter of the way through this book, and have loved about 75% of the activities. The only problem I have with this book is that it is a preschool book, meaning the activities are geared towards larger groups of children. I am constantly having to modify each lesson so that it can be a lesson taught to one or two kids at a time. All of the lessons encourage language development, use of fine and gross motor skills, development of social-emotional skills, and pre-reading/emergent literacy. Each lesson subject has multiple learning activities, songs and rhymes, arts and crafts, outdoor play, and field trips. Although this book has its pros and cons, I would recommend it to nannies of toddlers.

To all of you nannies out there:

Do you guys read books that seem to help you with your job?

Which ones?

What do you like about them.

If not, why?
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Please visit Megan's Blog at: http://minglingwithmegan.blogspot.com/