Concern for Child & Fear of Being Fired (Again)

I am wondering of this can be posted anonymously.

  Background.. I was fired from my last nanny job for bringing up my concerns about one of the children. There were significant behavior problems at school and with me so I had kept a journal of all the troubling things I was experiencing and presented it to the parents. I tried to be as professional about it as possible, and I felt that if I didn't say anything to the parents about my concerns then I was doing a disservice to the child. They ended up saying everything was my fault because I wasn't strict enough and fired me, yet gave me a glowing recommendation. In the end the child was diagnosed with autism and is currently receiving help.

I am currently a nanny for toddler twins (age 2.5) and have been at my job for 2 years. This is my 3rd full time nanny job caring for twins. I do not know if I should try to talk to the parents about the issues I am having, or just find a new job. One of the twins is having serious behavior problems. This child has multiple tantrums a day and the slightest thing can set it off. For example, the other day the child was wearing a bracelet and it fell off. Instead of just reaching down and picking it up to put back on, asking for help, or accepting my offer to help, the child had a 20 minute screaming fit. This child does not eat. I believe there may be a genuine problem with feeding because the child regularly gags, chokes, spits out chewed up food and has major tantrums at meal times. This child eats no veggies, no fruit with skin (apples, pears, grapes, etc) and can not seem to handle chewing food very easily. Sleep has never been simple with this child. Bedtime is 8:30 and this child wakes up at 5 every single morning without fail. I have suggested that an earlier bedtime might be beneficial, and even offered 2 great sleep books but my suggestions were brushed off. Naps are atrocious. Maybe an hour at best.

This child is a zombie all day long and I really feel that the toddler needs more sleep, but my suggestions are clearly not wanted and I don't think I should push. Mom and Dad give in to the whining and screaming, and will just give the child anything to prevent a tantrum. Is there any point to me having a talk with the parents about the problems I am having? My fear is that I would be fired in similar fashion to my last job, or completely ignored. Do I just find a new job and give notice? Do I pretend everything is fine and wait it out? (apologies for using "this child" so many times.. Trying to stay anonymous)

ISYN Postings are always anonymous. If you have a problem you are wrestling with or something to share with us, please email isynjane@aol.com.

Nanny Horror Stories 2013, #1

I had been having a miserable time finding a summer nanny job to supplement my usual nanny job so when my boyfriend said he knew someone who was looking, I readily agreed. She was an old family friend.

The friend called me around 4:30 on a Friday to talk and invited me over that night for an interview. I eagerly went. Mind you it was 40 minutes from my house, but I was desperate. They liked me though they asked too many personal questions. Like were my parents divorced, how serious were my boyfriend and I, was I a troubled teen? Weird but I went with it. I was stuck at there house for 3 hrs while the mom told me (what I thought was) all the family secrets from her oldest stepson to her sons ban from summer camp for taking pics of other kids using the bathroom. I was also told I was a bad person for having a tattoo (of course subtly) Her kids are 8&13. Boy and girl, they have a pool. I'm planning on tanning and play dates with little girls, what an easy gig.

They offered me $250 for what I thought was 25 hours a week over 4 days.  (less than usual but its better than nothing).  I show up on my first day. I work an hour while mom stays home "getting ready". The kids watch tv or video games until she leaves at 10:30 (though there was no electronics during the day).  So I'm stuck talking to her for an hour while she drinks coffee and pries her way
into my personal life. Constantly prodding for info about the weekends and previous nights. (Mind you, I'm working 3 jobs so my social life was in the tanker...). She friend requests me on Facebook after my first day. Not okay, I didn't accept but she was friends with my boyfriend and anytime we were tagged together she could see my posts. (I know some people aren't opposed to this but
I was only 20 and didn't want that sort of relationship).

First of all, she NEVER left us money to do anything... Since there was a park nearby. The kids are 8&13, going to the playground when it's 100 degrees is no fun. We went on 5 outings over the 3 months I worked for them. And each time I was expected to "pay my way" on top of gas money. Mind you - money was not an issue for this family, since they just bought a $3000 pool filter and a boat. I took the kids and my boyfriend and a teen friend to the beach since mom said she would pay for everything... That morning the mom gave us $30 and told me to find free parking. (Anyone who lives in a metropolitan area knows there's no such thing as free parking). She left us 4 slices of bread and sliced fruit. When I said something about needing more money, I was belittled and teased about it in front of my boyfriend which wasn't ok.

Her cheapness rolled onto her kids who often asked too personal of questions about my finances and weird things. I often found myself being told by an 8 year old I was so mean and that she hated me and wished I wasn't her babysitter. Mom never helped me out with it. The little girl was favored over the son. Now if I was seeing this, it was obvious. Little girls friends could come for hours while
brothers friends had to leave and couldn't come in the house. Poor kid had to check in every hour with me in person so no one ever wanted to hang out with him. His parents would monitor his cell phone and question why he chose to hang out with his friends? He was expected to always do stuff with his sister though the little girl was mean and still interested in very childish things.  (At 13,
I just wanted to be with my friends all the time, not my little sister). Mom often got home late with no compensation or call or better yet, apology. I often worked closer to 30, 35 hrs a week which often made me late for other jobs. Aunt stayed over for a month and literally told me that she apologized for how her niece was treating me. Her friends all told me they wished their moms would let me be their babysitters and they didn't know why the girl was so mean.  The little girl was an awful friend, had no idea how to share and often said her mom didn't want her to share toys with her friends. I often found myself playing with an 8 year old who wasn't my charge. About a week before I finished the mom was upset that her son had 2 friends over, the limit was 1 but he said he'd okayed it with mom. Now it was 100+ degrees, I wasn't about to turn these poor boys away when we had an empty pool. The next day I texted mom asking if my charges could have friends over to swim which she responded in all caps ONLY ONE FRIEND. I lost my cool and told her I understood and didn't need her to send me a message in all caps. She never responded but had a big attitude when she relieved me for the day. I had come from a family where I'd watched 3 school aged kids who each brought over at least one friend everyday, I was totally capable of watching more than 4 school aged kids and to say I wasn't was quite insulting. On my last day, she was teasing saying how much I'll miss them as she handed me my money. I told her I was sure I wouldn't and left.

I was miserable for 3 months until I went back to school and working my regular nanny job (WHICH I LOVED). I also learned about all kinds of drug secrets of other relatives, including several relatives in jail, a creepy uncle who'd molested his own daughter, oh and here's the biggest Dad was a convicted felon. Needless to say, I wasn't asked back this summer. Though I was invited to come see the family in December which I declined.  I definitely appreciated my other charges much more and learned to never take a job out of desperation.  Much more happened but to remain confidential, I had to cut some parts out.

Do you have a horror story to share? Email isynblog@gmail.com.

Missing Youth from Georgia

On the night of May 1-2nd, 2013, Jordan Marie Aaron went missing from her home. We woke up this morning at 6am to find her missing. We have alerted the police but we need your help. Please share this so everyone can see! She is 5'4, Caucasian, 13 years old with blue eyes, brownish red hair, and weights around 154 IBS. Missing from the Covington GA area and is more than likely in danger! Thank you for your help. If you have any news, please call 911.

ISYN Link of the Day

Friday, May 10, 2013, is Provider Appreciation Day.
It is a special day to recognize child care providers, teachers and other educators of young children everywhere. Started in 1996 by a group of volunteers in New Jersey, Provider Appreciation Day is appropriately celebrated each year on the Friday before Mother's Day. The founding organizers saw the need to recognize the tireless efforts of providers who care for children of working parents. Momentum and support for this event has grown each year and recognition presently includes individuals and government organizations throughout the United States. Provider Appreciation is a great time to celebrate the important providers in your child's life, or to celebrate the staff in your child care center. What better way to acknowledge your appreciation than by helping children make a gift themselves, or providers can do with the children.

Grandma from Hell

I have a huge problem which landed from Cincinnati last week. The grandmother has come to see the newest addition to the family. I never met her before. The mother's apprehensive look when she told me that her mother in law was coming is now replaying in my head. Both parents work. The grandmother is not a typical grandmother in that she does not dote and she is barely passable as loving. I live out, but work M-F from 700-600. I have a routine I am in to  that works for me and the children. For example, when older child is on the bus, I put the baby on the floor for tummy time and make myself breakfast. The grandmother sidles up to me and asks me what I am doing. She makes comments like, "it must be nice to eat on the job" and "where do you keep your 'nanny food' so I don't eat it". I told her I don't have 'nanny food' and anything in the refrigerator is for anyone. She asks me how much of my salary goes to pay for my food. Stupid comments like this all day long. She does crosswords all day long and watches me. It took a while to get in my routine. She has asked me to make her lunch, help her start a laundry (and then transfer it) and then bring it to her to fold. I could grin and bear it but she has arranged to have some work done on her home in Ohio which is to be completed by Memorial Day. I don't even know that if I talked to my boss (mom), anything could be done. She is really imposing and unapologetic. She suggests housekeeping tasks for me to do. I am not a housekeeper. I nicely pointed that out and she says things like, "well if you have time to sit around reading an US Magazine, certainly you have time to clean the mirrors in the house". Help. I need my job so I can't quit, even though on a daily basis, about twenty times, she has me want to scream, quit and cry. In closing, let me just say that my boss has been extremely complimentary to me about my job performance, specifically that I adapted to the house and she can return to her professional field with focus because she knows things are well handled at home. She has even given me what I would call bonus gifts of appreciation. Part of me fears if I say anything, it will come across as angling for a big gift or something, but it's Friday night and the thought of returning Monday is making me sick.

Happy Friday

Thank you to all the new blood on the blog, putting together features & creating a buzz! We desperately miss the lovely & talented MPP. We've started some great new regular features and hope to do more. The need for nannies to be able to review employers does exist, however, we had one malicious little kitty hell bent on sabotaging the feature and then the blog. We have temporarily pulled that feature but we have big things in store. We hope that by pulling this feature, our little troll will feel released, and free... to go...save the world or whatever. Best wishes, Jane, Effie & Lamar.

The Battle to Keep Three Children Entertained...

Hello everyone,
I currently work for a few families, one of who I work for two days a week, 8 hours a day. They have four children but I am only in charge of three as one is in school during the day and spends time with his parents after school. When I started with this family their youngest was just 9 weeks old, now she is around 14mnths and her brother and sister are 2 and 3. The parents work from home and when I started they would keep the baby in their home office with them as she was a very relaxed baby and would just sit in her bouncer or play pen and they could work. Now she is older I am in charge of caring for her as well as her older brother and sister. This means that since I came back from Christmas holidays my work load has seemingly doubled to an overwhelming amount.
I've never been in charge of three small kids before and am at a bit of a loss. All the activities I used to do with the older two aren't appropriate for the smallest one (painting, crafting with small objects like googly eyes and pompoms etc, puzzles, building blocks, baking, building forts etc) she just tries to eat the small objects, breaks the older kids buildings, pulls down the forts and generally ruins the fun for them- I don't blame her, she's just a baby! It's just hard when she desperately wants to be involved but she's too little. Even trips to the park are hard as she just wants to shove the small bits of tan-bark into her mouth and I spend the whole time chasing her to stop her choking and can't engage with the older two. I also don't drive- usually I can take my charges on public transport for fun adventures like the zoo or museum but its just too hard with three.

I'm at my wits end trying to keep up with all three and trying to figure out things to do with them! I absolutely adore them and feel appreciated and valued by their parents but I am so tired all the time and starting to dread going to work because I know it is going to be a never ending battle to keep them entertained. It's also heading into winter in this part of the world and we'll be trapped inside more and more from now on.

Any advice you ladies could give me would be appreciated so much!

ISYN Link of the Day

Hi I’m Rebecca.  I’m a 15 year old, type 1 diabetic, long track speed skater who dreams of going to the 2018 Olympics in Pyeongchang, South Korea.  It’s a dream I’ve been working toward since I was 5 years old. This year I will be on a team that is partially funded by the Olympic Committee as a "feeder program" to the Olympic Team.
I need your help to make my dream come true. 

Nanny Pay Across America, #2 in series

To read part 1 in this series, please click here.

Part 2

Marin County, CA
On salary: 53,500.00 year

Taxes: yes

Method of payment: $1604.00 (net) direct deposit into bank account every 2 weeks

35-40 hours per week.

Time trade for overtime.

Paid time off several times per year when they travel without me.

Two weeks paid vacation/ seven paid holidays

Five paid sick days per year

Use family car on job.

ATM debit card for child related expenditures.

I've been with this family almost 2 years (in July

Connecticut
Yearly Salary $73,000
FT-Live Out Nanny , 2 kids,Mon-Fri, 8am to 530-6pm &1-2 nights overtime for night time care e.g. babysitting.
Adjustments to pay: Occasional weekends at weekend rate, plus travel with family when needed.
Adjustments to pay: Live-out monthly rent stipend $900
On or off the books: Paid on The Books
Use of family car while working , Child are duties only
Other: 10% raise every 6 months
**A higher salary comes with an even bigger price. Children disrespectful, no rules or boundaries, stay at home mom who was very confrontational...and attacked by family pet. Random weekly schedule change at beck and call of mom.

Austin, TX

Today's pay: $528 - $13/hr for about 40-455 hours/week
Pay period: weekly, every Friday
Method of payment: check
Taxes on the books or off: on the books
Disposition of payment: personal check handed to me by the kiddos
Adjustments to pay: none
Pay supplements: Bonuses and/or PTO handed out about 3 times per year, usually Christmas, Spring Break, and my birthday
length of time at current position: 2.5 years, but I am leaving next month to take a summer position (which pays $15/hr)
years of Nanny experience: about 4

Denver, CO

Today's pay: $600.00
Pay period: Every Friday for 8-6 M-Th and 7-5 on Friday,
Method of payment: Cash.
Taxes on the books or off: off the books for them, I have to claim independent contractor
Disposition of pay: Left laying by or under fruit bowl on Fridays

Adjustments to pay: none
Pay supplements: Bought me a bike for my birthday last month
length of time at current position: 1 year, 4 months
years of Nanny experience: 1 year, 4 months

New Rochelle, NY
Today's pay: $800
Pay period: M-Friday 7-7.
Method of payment: Check.
On the books or off: Off
Disposition of check: Handed to me on Friday evening.
Adjustments to pay: -$50, second in three payments employer is charging me for 'damage; to her Calaphon dutch oven pan.
Pay Supplements: Never
Length of time at current position: 9 months
Years of nanny Experience: 8 years

Winnetka, Ill

Today's pay: $2240, gross
Pay period: biweekly pay period, with one week kept "in"
Method of payment: Company check
Taxes on the books or off: On the books through one of their companies
Disposition of pay: direct deposit

Adjustments to pay: Cash on Fridays for any overtime @ $25 per hour. (Usually about $200 extra per month).
Pay supplements: Health insurance, 100% paid for by employer, childcare for my two year old, 100% paid for by employer.
length of time at current position: 3 years
years of Nanny experience: 5 years

If you would like to participate in the ongoing series of Nanny Pay Across America, send your submissions to isynblog@gmail.com.

Nanny School Update

Hey everyone! About 6 months ago I asked if going to a three month Nanny school program was worth it. Well I would like to update you all. It was for me! I found the education to be well rounded and focused on all aspects of childcare. The Teachers were excellent and I loved the girls I attended classes with. I did not like the people who ran the school and found them to be unprofessional. Luckily we rarely had to deal with the office and were able to focus our attention on school work. The three months went by very fast. The worst aspect of the school was lack of Jobs. Out of the large class that attended only three girls had jobs. The school made us signed a 6 month commitment that said we could not sign with another agency. Luckily I asked my lawyer and she said it was not legally binding. I was able to land my dream job in a major city working for DOUBLE my previous salary legally, rent free, full benefits, retirement plan, 6 weeks paid vacation, and many other perks. I truly love my employers and I feel that all of my hard work has paid off. The family stated they would not had hired me without my Nanny education. A lot of the girls who had a difficult time landing jobs were young and inexperienced. I feel that if they had waited a year to attend school and worked as a Nanny they would have had a much easier time. I think going to school speaks volumes to the families that hire you. I am a professional career nanny with the certifications to prove it!   

Missing Florida Youth- Please Share

Why I won't get involved again

This isn't me, but the same thing happened to me. I was at Sears and a mother was screaming and bitching at her child. The child was even younger. She pinched the child's thigh really hard and I saw her. The girl started screaming. I said, "why did you have to do that". Whoa. She got in my face and screamed at me louder than she had screamed at her child. The child started screaming worse and saying, "mommy, you're good, mommy, I'm sorry, mommy, I love you, please, please". She ended up yanking the daughter by her arm and dragging her out of the store. I was so scared for that child. The associates called the police at my request but did not get there in time.

So, what's the right way to get involved...without making things worse for the child?

ISYN-Link of the Day

Abigail Madison Nanny and Household Staffing, Inc. Has a diverse network of over 1,000 domestic candidates, all with years of experience all of whom have legal status to work in the US.  Abigail Madison has domestic workers available with an array of language abilities and specialty training. we also offer candidates with position specific experience including nursing experience, college educated nannies, governesses and tutors. If you are a nanny or an employer, I personally recommend Abigail Madison Nanny & Household Staffing. They are the crème de la crème of agencies. Contact Abigail Madison now.

ISYN Kidspeak, #1

This was at the daycare center I used to work for, and my co-teacher, Karen, was leading group time when she asked for words that begin with "B":

Karen: "Can anyone give me words that begin with B?"

Child: "Booze".

Karen and I looked at each other, to be sure we heard what we thought we heard...

Karen: "Booze?"

Luccio: "Yeah. Booze. You know, the stuff they don't sell to kids because it's sour. My mom told me that".

I had been working as a nanny for twin five year old girls for two months. I had a feeling the mother wasn't in love with me, but...

"Amy, I think you are so pretty," Twin One

"Thank you, twin 1, you are so pretty, too," Me

"Not an ugly bitch," Twin two

"Twin Two!!!!!!" Me

"No, I'm not saying it, mommy is saying it, 'fuck that ugly bitch,'" Twin two

"We don't talk like that! That is not okay, " Me

"Sad news is your the ugly bitch." Twin One

This was at the day care center I work at. The children were standing in line, getting ready to  go back to the classroom after being outside:

Max: "Fuck". (he said this under his breath)

Isabella (at the end of the line who overheard this child say the word, shouting across the gym): "Miss Emily, Max said "fuck".

We had just finished making a frame and placing in a stellar piece of child's artwork in the framefor Dad's 40th birthday.

4 year old charge:, "Nanny, I know what we can put with Daddy's picture"

Me, "What?"

4 year old charge;, "those jeans from TV. Mommy says Daddy has big balls and that will help that".

Recently, over spring break with kindergarten and first graders: Max had arrived in the classroom as we were going to the gym. Max was in line, and his mom was in the cubby area, looking through his cubby for something....

Me: "OK everyone, we are going to slip out of the classroom so quietly Max's mom won't even know we are gone".

Haley: "Ummm, Miss Dani, wouldn't she know we are gone after you just said that we are leaving?"

Monday morning over Spring break, I take my seven year old charge to a ballet program. It started at 9 in the morning, so my week started getting her ready and out the door. We go the ballet program which is more intense than regular and specialized but my charge is just sitting there.

I quietly try to cajole her to get her out on the floor with the other dancers and say, "Come on 'May', lets get out there. Mommy and Daddy are so excited to come to your performance on Friday."

She says very loudly, "You don't know"

I just look at her, as does everyone in the class and she screams, "Mommy and Daddy are getting divorced and it's a secret and MY HEART HURTS."

(It's not a secret anymore)

Have some kidspeak to share with ISYN? Email isynblog@gmail.com or message us on Facebook!

Westchester Mall Food Court in White Plains, NY

I thought I would share this Good Nanny Sighting with you! I was at the Westchester Mall in White Plains, NY on lunch break with my boyfriend. At the table next to us was a young woman, possibly from the Netherlands. She was blonde and had an unfamiliar accent. She had three children under 5 with her.

It was amazing watching how she choreographed getting each child the food that they wanted from a different food court location, while still keeping all the kids together and within reach.

Then, when she finally sat down, she has no food or drink in front of her. She goes about setting up catsup and drinks for the children and? After watching what like an athletic event, she starts spelling with the kids. Everytime she gets to the youngest child (about 2??) she says, "I" or "A". The way she encouraged the kids to cheer for each other, be patient and use manners was so impressive. The kids ate. Then she helped them pack up their trash and had each child take their own garbage, one by one. She was going to walk with the youngest but the oldest child asked to help. I don't know who you are, employer of this woman, but your kids are in the best hands! What a kind and positive demeanor. It was the calmest, coolest table in the whole food court.

Nanny: About 5'6", short blonde hair, attractive face,wearing blue jeans and an ITHACA sweatshirt.
Children" Boy, age 2, brown hair, brown corduroys jeans, white sweater, hiking boots. Boy, approximately 5, brown hair, blue jeans, same hiking boots as younger boy. Girl, approximate age 3, pony tails with red & white ribbons, red dress, red tights and red mary janes.
Stroller: Double stroller, blue with a brown and blue plaid pattern on the fabric.

Have you seen a nanny that deserved to be recognized? Email isynblog@gmail.com.
All submissions are confidential.

ISYN Blacklisted Employers, #1

ISYN- Link of the Day

Kids in Mind
Kids in Mind enables adults to determine whether a movie is appropriate for them or their children, according to their own criteria. Unlike the MPAA we do not assign an inscrutable rating based on age but 3 objective ratings for SEX/NUDITY, VIOLENCE/GORE & PROFANITY, on a scale of 0 to 10, and we explain in detail why a film rates high or low in a specific category; we also include instances of SUBSTANCE USE, a thorough list of DISCUSSION TOPICS that may elicit questions from children, and the MESSAGE the film conveys. The system is based on objective standards, not the viewer's age or the artistic merits of a film, enabling adults to determine whether a movie is appropriate for their own children...

How long do I have to go on feeling something isn't right?

I switched from using a top notch daycare to a nanny when my child turned three and a half so that the nanny could take my child to attend gymnastics and swimming classes. I don't think I was ready for that step myself. I feel like I have a stranger in my house. The nanny has only been with us since Valentine's Day. My husband insists that I give her a chance. How long do I have to go on feeling something isn't right? I don't feel my child is in danger. I just feel something is off. In the beginning of March, we suddenly had a bed bug infestation. I don't really know if I blame the nanny for the bedbugs and can't get past it. I don't know. My daughter likes the nanny but not the way I thought she would. I wanted her to leap up and run to her. I feel like so much of my daily life is not about keeping the nanny comfortable. When it was too cold to walk, making sure there was money for a cab, money for lunch out, responsibility to get her to and from my house in inclement weather. Did I just make a bad pick? How do I know if a nanny is just not right for me?