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| Alice Neel |
She comes to me on Monday and tells me that she is pregnant, with twins. She is carrying the twins for a third party. They aren't even hers. I was first upset that she didn't tell me she was planning this in advance. She has been with us four years. I was secondly upset that her carrying twins could literally jeopardize my job. I need her to be reliably here.
I did ask her what she intended to do following the birth. She told me that she plans to turn the babies over to the adoptive parent immediately, and would only be out as long as it take her to recover from the birth. If she has a C section, I feel I am still looking at six weeks. I feel really angry towards her over this. I am sure what she is doing is based on kindness but what about my family? After this long, has she no loyalty to us? She only told me after she passed the 12 week mark, so I feel I don't have much time to make plans.
She is paid on the books. How do I work out her time off and the cost of her replacement? We are not wealthy and it was a real stretch to pay her and pay someone to work in her place during her pregnancy the first time around.
27 comments:
You cannot fire someone for being pregnant. If you cannot afford to pay leave and or want a new nanny, let her know now so she can plan ahead.
Her decision to be a surrogate doesn't need your input or approval. Most pregnant women don't share the news till after the 12 wk mark. This isn't a loyalty issue.
I also find your reference to her as Lesbian Nanny to be abhorrent! That had no relevance to the post.
She told you at the 3-month mark, so even if she delivered early you have months in which to make plans. As far as paying the nanny's maternity leave this time around, if you can't afford to let her know now. Is there any possibility of the family who she's carrying for helping with this? They're under no obligation to, but might want to help in light of what your nanny is doing for them.
I'm also confused with what her sexuality has to do with anything, but assume you were explaining the use of "partner;" for future reference, it's unnecessary to this type of story, as it would be to say "my black nanny. Just not relevant.
I think it was generous of you to offer the 6 weeks paid leave the first time around and kind/understanding to allow her to bring her child to work at times. Assuming maternity leave isn’t something guaranteed in her contract, simply tell her that you cannot offer her paid leave this time around. If you feel you need to provide a reason, say that it is too much of a financial hardship for you to provide PTO above what she has already accrued, but she can of course use whatever PTO she has saved up at that point.
Next I would discuss your concerns about her ability to continue to provide reliable care as the pregnancy progresses. Tell her you need her to be honest about any limitations as they present themselves.
It seems as though in general y’all have had a good working relationship and you are just speaking out of fear/frustration right now. However, while I totally understand your anxiety about the situation and your point of view, your tone comes across as very harsh and it would be good to remedy this before speaking with the nanny.
Agree with all points. The whole background was completely moot here and held no baring on the post.
Lastly, its not "adoptive parents" as she is a surrogate. There is no adoptiong. The children aren't hers at all. She is not the birth mother. She is a surrogate.
Angi
Actually, in surrogacy, the parents are supposed to ensure the surrogate has no financial setbacks from pregnancy. They would be responsible for paying her earnings if her job can't/won't pay her as a result of the pregnancy and only until pregnancy recovery is over.
Angi
If she is taking care of your child why is it she has to have someone else take care of hers? I was offered a Nanny job and would not let me bring my daughter, I refused to take the job. Not sure why they thought their children were better than mine!😁
I assume she is being paid to be a surrogate. Which is kind of like taking another job on the side that is interferring with her current job. I would be upset too!
I would let her know that if indeed she will not be able to live up to what she has been hired by me to do, she can look elsewhere for work. Also - I would not pay for her maternity leave.
43Northpines said...
If she is taking care of your child why is it she has to have someone else take care of hers? I was offered a Nanny job and would not let me bring my daughter, I refused to take the job. Not sure why they thought their children were better than mine!😁
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Are you kidding me?? Who said that the kids are better - if you are working for someone else, and they are paying you to watch their kids, you do not bring your kids! They are PAYING you to watch their kids, not your own!
I have heard of people allowing women to bring their kids too - but that is rare.
You are unbelievable! Good luck finding a job.
I work for an amazing family have been here for almost 10 years... And yes I bring my daughter.
So I do not need good luck, I found it😃
@Lenore, not all surrogates are paid. Many do it for free for close friends or family. One of my friends carried twins for her best friend and his husband. It was truly selfless.
MANY nannies bring their little ones along. The families pay less- the same as they would in a nanny share. The kids get built in playmates and friends. It isn't at all rare in my area
Looking for a nanny who will solely care for their own children doesn't mean they think their children are more important than yours. This is simply the job being offered, not some sort of insult to your child. Parents who are paying to employ a nanny have every right to only want that nanny caring for their kids during the hours they're paying for. That's sort of the point of shelling out for a nanny - so their kids get the individual care and attention they can't receive in a day care. Try not to take it personally; they're not judging your child as lesser, just determining what they want for theirs.
Admittedly I don't know many people who've used surrogacy. From the experiences I have heard about I thought that was only required if it was specifically negotiated for. My bad if I'm mistaken.
Most standard contracts have this. I believe in some states, like Mass, its law
Angi
Perfectly said Nick
Just like any job, offspring are not the norm in the workforce
Angi
Exactly Lucy. I'm willing to bet that this surrogacy may be for a male gay couple , friends. This is common in the GLBT community when looking at surrogacy.
Angi
Really.. I think you sound selfish. I cant imagine that the surrogate's host wouldn't compensate her from time off work. Yes, you may have a few weeks where you have to be inconvenienced by having a temp in place and paying the temp, but my God! She is building people! For others! How about you become part of the team of goodness?
I'd be pissed if I was expected to pay maternity through this and find alternative child care too. You want to do a good deed - give me the heads up so I can give you input on whether it's going to work for me or not. Don't make me feel like the bad guy because I don't have thousands of extra dollars to pay you, nor do I want my kid to go through the instability of you being gone a while. I can see why the OP is peeved. Having said that, her sexuality has absolutely zero to do with this so don't know why it was mentioned?
I disagree re:input. It's nanny's decision whether to become pregnant or not. It doesn't matter if it's her children or not. Personal choices. We all male them. As a family, if you cannot provide Maternity Leave, so be it. Your children going through change isn't the end of the world. I could see if nanny becomes sick or is out a lot, but thay could also happen with a non pregnant nanny.
Again, not providing paid leave is fine, but asking to have input for someone else's personal choice seems ballsy to me.
I tend do side a lot with the nannies but on this one I must say i kind of understand the mom's frustration and can't help but feel like the nanny should've been more communicative about her intentions
Actually, I agree with the not seeking permission first. Don't think I was being rational in my earlier comment. If the nanny doesn't expect to be paid or have job retention, I guess there are no issues there. Also, if it was her own child she was having, this wouldn't even be a conversation and more a matter for celebration I suppose!
Maternity leave is for healing and bonding with the baby. That's the point of it. She doesn't need bonding time because it's not her child. Yes, time to recover but beyond that is moot. Regardless, the parents of the baby should be paying her, not the employer.
Angi
So does this mean that families should start telling the nanny their intentions before creating more children? Seriously people it's the nannies choice to get pregnant not the families. If She decides she needs time off then take it through her vacation/sick and then unpaid after that if more is needed. Nannies are like any other employee and we DONT have to tell our boss ahead of time about our intentions in OUR lives.
A bit different than any other job. You can't just hire any temp to do your job. These are children, not paperwork. I feel one needs to give at least 2 months notice so that the families can figure things out for the children's sake.
Angi
Are you kidding me? Seriously duh they aren't paper work but the employer doesn't have to give the nanny 2 months notice before getting pregnant so the nanny can figure things out. She is already pregnant and gave her boss well over 2 months notice. If she wants to find someone else then so be it. However in no way shape or form should a nanny have to talk to their boss about their personal life's choices before making them.
I agree with you for her own children, but not so much for the surrogating one . When you think about it it's in most cases a paid service so it's as if she chose to work for someone else and still expecting to get paid by her boss while doing that. I understand your point but can't help but also understand the OP's one. OP might not have tons of money and those 2 maternity leave in 2 years might have caused her to really loose a lot. Pregnency is a very sensitive subject and you can't fire a woman for being pregnant so I understand the boss who wants to hire a nanny that will be available but end up with 12 weeks total maternity leave to pay in 2 years as well as the cost of the additional childcare replacement. Even if it's politically incorrect, it is a lot of employers worst nightmare scenario.
I do understand her feelings too and that the overall cost of it is huge.
It's probably not that much if the family is wealthy. But for example my boss is a single mom and she is not rich at all. Being a surrogate is illegal in England but If i did something like that and still expect my boss to pay me for weeks as well as another childcarer, it would have killed her financially and I would have to be made redundant because she would no longer be able to afford me.
Seriously not snarking, but where does it say the nanny expected to still get paid? She probably expected /expects to keep her job, but so do most people when they get pregnant. Most bosses don't tell nanny when they're expecting - even if they plan to stay home with new baby- thereby firing nanny
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