Mom Concerned Her Daughter is More Than Crushing on Employer

    I came across this website googling information. Maybe this is common, maybe not. I have a beautiful, kind daughter who left SLC to become a nanny three years ago. She worked for one family for a solid two years. After that job was over, she took a job in the city for a newly divorced couple. The couple has shared custody, every other week the kids go to her house or his and my daughter, as a live-in goes with them.

     The father has a grander place, so she is a more permanent room there, more comfortable and spacious, so she lives there predominately when not working. I have never met these people, but I have researched them online and they seem like respectable people.

     My problem is in the letters and emails my daughter has been sending home. It was apparent near immediately that she found the father attractive and may have had a crush on him. Over the past month, the way that she talks about him and the children doesn't sound like a job at all. It sounds like she is his wife. My daughter is lovely and kind, but?

     I don't know if this is infatuation. I also don't know if the father is encouraging in on some level.It is not that I don't think he would be interested in her, but I fear she could be being exploited to get more labor out of her. She says herself as taking care of him. When the kids are not there, she starts coffee for him, on weekends she says she goes to get him a bagel, or will pack a lunch for him to take to the office. My daughter's history is not so great in this area. I am afraid she could be getting carried away in a way that reminds me of some emotional issues she had in the past. She has never had a boyfriend of her own. She keeps a binder of wedding dresses, sketches and ideas. I know much of this is normal, but I am increasingly worried that she may need a reality check.

      Traveling to NYC is not an option for me. I have both parent's contact information. I really want to reach out to the mother. If the mother becomes alarmed, I won't necessarily be sorry because maybe she needs to come home and regroup, see a doctor and get checked out. If the mother isn't alarmed, there is no problem, but maybe she will be mindful of any red flags?


Anonymous said...

Whoa! Your daughter is an adult. She can handle things as she wishes. Would be absolutely inappropriate to call the mother! I'm sure you miss your daughter. Maybe this is your way of bringing her back home? Talk to your daughter about it if you wish. But I can't stress enough just how wrong it would be to call the mom boss. If your daughter called your boss and complained that her mommy was working too many hours or whatever the case may be, would you appreciate that? Mind your own business is my advice.

Anonymous said...

If your daughter is 18 or older, butt out. Not your place! She needs to learn on her own, and who knows... This could be a great relationship in the end. Regardless, she can make her own choices and mistakes. You butting in won't help anyone and could get her fired which is also not your place!


Jean said...

It sounds highly inappropriate and unprofessional, but if she's an adult, please do not call the mom. She wouldn't be the first nanny /girl to develop feelings for an inappropriate person. As long as she acts professionally, it should be fine. Even if it's not, she'll learn a valuable lesson. But please don't interfere

nannyrobot said...

Butt out. You shouldn't have their contact info and you definitely should not contact them. She's an adult. She can make her own decisions. It doesn't matter if what she's doing is inappropriate or not. It's not your business to be snooping in.

nina said...

At face value, I too want to say bud out..
but are their mental problems going on>?

RBTC said...

the above posters are correct - she is adult and working for a living, you don't want to goof up her life - be there for her but do not harm her job - that is for her to work out

this_nick said...

I'm sure there's no way this could go wrong. Except, you know, mom boss flips out, fires your daughter, disparages her reputation and hurts her chances of being re-hired in the city, and your humiliated child never wants to speak to you again.

But you do you.

Anonymous said...

I definitely do not think you should call the mom. I do however, think that maybe you could have a dialogue about this with your daughter. You do not have to accuse her of anything, but simply ask her about the father, and see how she reacts (you can Skype or Oovoo or what have you to actually see her reactions). Truthfully though, even a phone call would suffice, because you might be able to hear a change in her voice when she talks about him, if she really does have feelings for him.

Then, if it does seem like maybe she might have a crush of some sort, just gently ask her about it. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your daughter, and how open it might be. With my mom, we have always been able to talk about this sort of thing (with some obviously needed boundaries). So, maybe you could have a conversation with your daughter about whether or not she has developed feelings for the father. You do not have to tell her what to do about it, but simply express your concern.

She may be upset with you, or she may not. You won't know unless you ask. But either way, you can express your concerns about how this relationship might affect her job, and make it clear that you are not judging her (as you shouldn't be). It's important that your daughter knows that you are not scolding her or trying to tell her how to live her life (because she will mostly likely react defensively to that), but merely trying to look out for her. In my opinion, that is probably the best way to approach this situation and have the best outcome; you express your concerns to your daughter, and your daughter hears them. What she chooses to do about it is her choice, and you cannot control that.