I am not a nanny but my sister is! She moved from Oregon to NYC to be a nanny two years ago. She is working for her third family. I think she is about to make a big mistake but I don't know anything about NYC. She got pregnant awhile back and wanted to have an abortion. I guess her employer knew that she went to the boyfriend for help and he would not help, so she asked them for an advance. Long story short, she is keeping the baby and the baby is to be adopted by the sister's (
her employer's sister and brother in law. The sister lives three towns over from my sister's boss. My sister works for a male and female. The sister of the female she works for is adopting her unborn child. -OP) sister. The baby will be due in 7-8 weeks. My sister is still working the same hours and job and pay as she always was. AND they had her apply for medicaid so they are not even paying for prenatal care, the state is. She won't really talk to me because she thinks my opinions are too harsh. I told her she needs counseling. I told her people don't just give away babies. She says they offered to get her an attorney to represent her but she has already signed a "consent for adoption". I think these people are just shady and taking advantage of a girl's misfortune. And although they are continuing to "let" her work through the pregnancy, she has no guarantee about a job post pregnancy. She'snot thinking clearly. Why would the aunt want the birth money to still be in the picture? I want to help her but don't know how. I also feel like it's really up to me since our own mother struggles with addiction and hasn't ever been much of a support to us!
16 comments:
So confused. Who is adopting the baby?
(her employer's sister and brother in law. The sister lives three towns over from my sister's boss. My sister works for a male and female. The sister of the female she works for is adopting her unborn child. -OP)
Not understanding the problem. Is it because your sister wants to keep the baby? If she does not want to keep the baby, why is this a problem? Are the prospective parents horrible people? Are they forcing this on her? Adoption is a good thing, I don't get why you are upset.
Stay out of it. If she's not willing to look out for her own best interest, then that's her choice. The new parents are not responsible for the child until they have taken custody, why should they got her need bills. This is a pending placement, not a baby-sale or surrogacy. Bmom can change her mind anytime she wants, up to 30 days after placement. The apars are looking out for their own wallets as they should. What they are doing is actually encouraged in the triad in situations like these.
As far as the job, that's a separate issue altogether.
With placements, the apars have to do a home study before finalization. And yes, many people "give their babies away".... It's called an adoption plan.
Angi
I get why you're worried. I've been in similar situations with my siblings (I'm the oldest of four, and constantly worried about their choices). Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do since your sister is so far away and an adult. Unless you're willing to fly out there and do some more sleuthing. You've expressed your worries and it sounds like she's set on her current course.
If she doesn't feel ready for the baby, adoption is a fantastic option. Especially since nannies often know a lot about the inner workings of the families they work for (including the extended family). If it was my sister, I would just want to make sure she's actually thought through what she's doing. Birth moms have the right to change their minds until a few weeks after the birth, so a "consent to adopt" usually won't be a problem if she's changed her mind.
Next time you talk to her, maybe just get her talking about the plans? See if she's going for an open or closed adoption. If open, the family may be planning to continue employment. Closed, she may have cause to worry about her job. There are many families out there that continue a relationship with the birth mother, so it sounds like you (and maybe your sister) just need a little more information about the adoption particulars.
P.s. this is a child who needs a home, not a bargaining tool, not something to gain off.
Angi
I'm with the others. Not getting why you're worried. I have siblings too. I have learned that they're adults and I can't worry about their decisions. If the adoptive parents are good people, then this is a good thing. I'm not sure why they owe her anything. I don't think it's legal to accept money from potential adoptive parents
More likely, a social worker will visit her in the hospital. Just to make sure she feels comfortable with her choice. But yeah I think she needs to talk to a professional. Right now the family knows she is at a vulnerable moment. And I worry she may just feel she has no other choice.
How could you not get where she is worried? The girl wanted an abortion. Now she is carrying a child for some Piece of crap family who won't even get her insurance. What committment does that show to the baby or to her? None. Yes, yes, adoption is wonderful, when done right! These people just happened by a baby and want to scoop it up without any contingency plans for mother or investment?>
Fuck them.
Dear Sister of the Pregnant Sister,
I feel you. Email your sister a document that serves as a one year contract. Make it specific. Include pay rate. Include responsibilities. Tell her to have it notarized with them and have them sign it.
She needs to let the employers know that she will be returning to work. She will however need time off because having a baby isn't a minor thing. The time is now for the sister of the boss's sister to help them find a supplemental child care person. The nanny has every right to work a bit less (even if it's 10 hours less) per week and they should accomodate her, because you know they are stealing her child. The supplemental childcare person can do the nanny's job while she is out WITH FULL PAY recovering. If her employers don't want to cover it, no problem, the employer's sister/baby stealer can cover it.
Wow. I'm with a lot of the others on this. It doesn't sound like as big a deal as you're making it. I nannied while I was pregnant and worked until a week before I had my son. There's no reason they should cut her hours or duties while she's pregnant. She's not disabled. Also, because it's not a surrogacy, they are under no obligation to pay for health insurance for her. They made sure she got care through Medicaid (although that's a separate issue if she's making so little to qualify for that) so she and the baby are healthy. if she's an adult (which I assume she is), then this is her decision. If she works for good people, there is nothing to be concerned about for the baby's sake. If she's unsure of her employment status after the baby is born, that's up to her to follow up with her employers. I'd be a little shocked if she wasn't still employed after giving birth. I don't know why that would qualify for losing your job, and in fact, that would be illegal anyway. I think you need to not worry so much. And to the PP, I don't know why these people qualify as baby stealers. That's a weird thing to say.
I say fly out and support your sister. She isn't thinking clearly and needs to know someone is there. Be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. DONT lecture. I'm sure this is tough enough for her. That will go much further then telling her all that you think is wrong.
women do get on medicad and sign a consent of adoption in many cases. It's a faster, cheaper way for them to adopt their baby to someone when they can not or do not want to keep the baby. The couple should have a lawyer to represent your sister however. They should be offering her counseling to make sure this is truly what SHE wants and guaranteeing her employment after the baby is here. If you do visit her make sure she thinks about how she will feel after giving the baby to them. It's her employers sister so obviously she will be seeing HER child more then she may be prepared for and how will she emotionally handle that? I wish her the best. As someone who hasn't been able to have my own babies yet and may adopt I think it's wonderful she is choosing to do so since she isn't ready to be a mom. I hope that she does speak to someone and get the support she will need.
Baby stealing? Are you joking? This is how adoption goes. Did you expect them to pay $$$$ for her baby? They're not responsible for her or her pregnancy. Also, most states are at-will states. In big companies (with 50 or more employees + other criteria) she couldn't get fired for being pregnant. This, however, isn't even the issue in my mind. Some commenters seem to view a baby as a lottery ticket. It's not. It's your sister's choice whether to raise the baby or give it up. Either choice is hard, but ultimately it's her decision and no one owes anyone anything in this life. Pregnancy isn't a handicap. She can work. And they don't owe her a job or other remuneration for giving them the baby. IJS
A proper adoption situation IS NOT to pay for anything during the process of adoption because, legally, it can be considered cohesion. This is how adoption works. Many PAPs that do try to pick up the tab end up in a world of hurt or end up in a legal bind. SURROGACY if when the bio parents pay for everything. It is discouraged in adoptions. You obviously know nothing about the adoption process or these people.
Angi
Agree! Her job is a isolated anyway. The family she works for had NOTHING to do with the adoption except that they are related.
Angi
*coercion
Stupid phone
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