In August of 2014, my employers paid 100% for rhinoplasty for me. At the time, I had been with them for two years. We talked about the future in such a way that I and they imagined I would be with them for years. They are an amazing family, wonderful children, great employers. I couldn't have a better job. When I went on vacation in March, I met someone in San Fransisco. It was a great connection and since I returned home, we have spoken every day. We have become very serious to the point where he wants me to move out there and we have spoken about marriage.My boss knows that I have a long distance relationship. Because this feels like the real things, I want to tell her how serious it has become. I am not one of those girls who falls for guys or makes impractical decisions.
I don't feel like I could bring up the idea of seriousness without talking about the rhinoplasty first and foremost and letting her know that I would pay her back for that because I do understand that it was something she did for me with the assumption that I was a long term nanny. Does anyone know how to handle this? I was thinking a letter would be the best way to articulate my appreciation for the job and the time I have spent with them. I cannot imagine my life without contact with these people, so even though in a perfect world, I would be in SF by the start of the school year, and hence 3000 miles away.
*The rhinoplasty is just the one big thing that stands out. No one has employers like I do.
31 comments:
I think you need to concentrate on your relationship with this man. Youre willing to uproot your whole world for a guy you only meet 3 months ago. I have experience with long distance relationships and harbor no I'll feelings towards them. When I hear women willing to make such sacrafices for people they really don't know (admitting that needs to be your first step) it makes me now my head in frustration. Why can't he sacrifice for you? What makes his life so much more important? I think you need to physically be together at least a month in the same location before you uproot yourself and lose out on this wonderful family. Real love, real relationships will work out if they are many to be. I don't think you giving up your current world is the answer. It's a lot to put on the line and you wont likely get your family back.
Angi
*only met
*ill feelings
*bow my head
Seriously leave her alone. Her life and her decision on leaving to be with someone. I had a long distance relationship and moved to be with my Now husband. The best decision of my life.
Just talk your employers and be honest. Give them plenty of notice to find someone else and leave on a good note. You can also write a note about how much you appreciate everything and give it to them after you speak with them to further confirm your appreciation and what this family has meant to you. Best of luck in your life.
And how long was that relationship before you moved? Like I said, the issue isn't the LDR, its also compounded by the short stance and having hardly any time together. Uprooting a life on such a situation with very little time invested is the concern here...not the distance.
Angi
I hate to burst your bubble, but I think you are thinking with one part of your head, not thinking this through. Just because you met someone and hit it off doesn't mean he's right for you. We can't help falling in love or who we fall in love with. That being said, I respect and understand you feel something for this person, but how do you know it's love without being together? And by together, I mean living in the same city and spending time with each other.
So let's say you throw caution to the wiind and move out there. If it doesn't work out, what will you do?
Give this more thought before you do something you may regret. This person could be playing you for a fool with a significant other in the background, having you as a side dish, or intending on you being the side dish.
I'm not trying to hurt you, just some friendly advice and a sense of reality.
Keep us posted!
She never asked you people for advice on her relationship. She asked for advice on her job. So leave her alone and either give her helpful advice about her job or shut up. Seriously people what someone else chooses to do with their life is their choice.
Mine was longer HOWEVER I had a family member meet someone and get married within 3 months. They were together for years and the only reason why they aren't anymore is bc one passed away. The other loving spouse took care of them through all the years of sickness until the very last breathe. So just bc your experiences might not have been great doesn't always mean someone else's won't be the best of their life.
I guess you missed the part when I said this isn't about LDR and that I have no I'll will to them... Twice!!! I'm looking at this practically..a big move alone is a huge rush. This is compromised with little knowledge of the person, moving because of that person and giving up a great job fort that person. That's a lot of pressure on a new relationship with little time together. I'm going to go out on a limb and also day that your family member spent a follow amount of time together.... Unlike the OP. A lot of variables you aren't considering.
Angi
*no ill
*move alone is a huge step
*also say
*spent a good amount
This is advice on her job. We are thinking about her job.
Angi
Have him fly to visit you first, and meet your parents, let him have some skin in this game. Don't uproot your life for a feeling. Marriage is a lot more than that. He may be a narcissistic, self centered, critical, bastard pig. Sometimes those are the sweetest starting out. Those are also the type who get a kick out of watching people upend their lives for them, and then laugh as they kick them to the curb. You do not know this guy at all. What can't he move where you are? Beware, beware young lady. The question you should be asking is, can I live with the worst that can happen? The worst that can happen is you end up stranded and he has moved onto the next chickadee. Can you deal with that? If so, good luck.
You have only known him 3 months. If the relationship is meant to be, it will last a few months long distance. I would give it a while longer before considering moving. I spent 3 years long distance from DH and we've been together 18 years, totally devoted, no blips and no break ups. I do not regret taking our time. When you love each other, you make it work, but it's sensible to protect your own interests too. I think it would be a little crazy to jack in your dream job for a short relationship. However, if you do, definitely pay them back for the rhinoplasty. Maybe your bf can do it in a lump sum or you can forego your pay, but don't offer long term installments because that's just awkward. They didn't intend to become debt collectors when they gifted this to you- they legitimately believed you would be around for the long haul.
I'm confused why some of you are inserting yourselves into her private life. She never said anything about relationship advice. Some of you are being intrusive and inappropriately inquisitive.
OP, as to your job. I think honesty is the best policy. Give them as much notice as you can and thank them for all they've done. If you want to repay them for the rhinoplasty, let them know when they can expect repayment. Good luck.
Since everyone's giving unsolicited life advice I'll have a go.
"we have spoken about marriage" LOLOL. Honey-Boo-Boo child, a guy who wants you to relocate for him will totally speak about marriage... this doesn't mean he intends to marry you soon, or in five years, or at all. You're already uprooting your life for his convenience, so unless he really is the marrying kind at this stage in his life, just don't go out there thinking a proposal is imminent.
If you can be okay with that and the fact that in the event you two break-up you're in a totally new place, then go for it. Why not take your shot? Just make sure when you get there, you immediately establish your own life by pursuing your interests, making your own friends, etc. That way in the unfortunate event things go south relationship-wise, you'll still have an awesome and fulfilling life in your new home city.
As for the rhinoplasty, I got nothing. Except, don't go out there if he wouldn't have been into you with your old nose. ;)
She posted the details, she didn't have to. She put her private life out there. Didn't want advice? Don't put those details for us to comment. Maybe deep down, she wanted to get opinions on it as well. Regardless, we are thinking of her, her best interests and her job. That sounds like caring to me
Angi
Angi, you are something else. She posted the relationship advice as background or explanation as to why she was leaving a great family. You and others assumed she needed you to play Captain Save 'em. She is an adult. Please afford her the opportunity to make her own decisions. It doesn't seem caring, it seems judgmental and condescending.
To the nanny who posed the question, your employers sound like good people. I think sitting down with them at the earliest opportunity is key. Offer to train the new nanny or assist in the search if they need you too. Be prepared for hurt feelings. Leaving is never easy.
Angi and friends are correct: nanny will be wise to hold off on uprooting herself.
Regarding the surgery they paid for: therein lies the problem of accepting extravagant gifts from employers and other perhaps inappropriate places, you feel guilty when it is time to leave them.
Whoa, now. A damn CEO can accept millions in bonuses from a company, but you wanna claim a hardworking nanny accepting a generous gift from her appreciative employers is inappropriate? Aw HELL to the no. #nottodaySatan
Posting the details does leave her open to commentary, and people are trying to be helpful, in our nosy way. She's certainly not obligated to take anyone's advice.
Because being an adult means never making a mistake or having regrets? I care, its not judgmental. That would be a whole different post if I was.
We can't help who we fall in love with, but we sure as hell can be cautious about the steps we procure. This may be the relationship of the century. I never downed the relationship, her, him or the distance. I'm hoping to see some time to the relationship before making such a drastic life change for a mother person.
And FTR, the background was completely unnecessary for her question. We didn't need to know why she was leaving, how short the relationship is and how far away shed be moving.
What I find questionable is that you single me out and I was not the only one with such advice.
OP, if you do decide to make the move for a fella, please remember not to use your decision during pending fights or if a break up should occur. I second a lot of what this_nick said.
Angi
Omg I feel like I'm reading a post written by myself! Minus the rhinoplasty. I lived in Connecticut and worked for literally the most amazing family. I worked a TON of hours weekly (was well compensated) so my bond with the older child was probably unhealthy. When I had been there just over two years, I met a man who lives in Chicago. We did long distance for 11 months and then I was offered a nanny position in Chicago after only a Skype interview. I took it. And after three years there, leaving them was the hardest thing I've EVER had to do. When I gave notice, my boss and I both cried like babies. I will be incredibly honest and tell you that now, five months later, I genuinely wish I had waited and stayed. I know absolutely no one here and while I was able to meet quite a few nanny friends in Connecticut, I've met zero here. All of my time is then spent working or home and really, really do not like this position I accepted, which makes things even that much harder. My boyfriend and I had a fabulous relationship before I moved here, we have a realistic but happy and stable one now -- there was no reason to leave as soon as I did. I actually just told him yesterday that the smartest thing would've been for him to move to CT. I had the most incredible job security there making incredible money and he could've easily done what he does here, there. So while I wont give you advice on your relationship, because a year after we met I moved to Chicago to live with him so it can absolutely happen...I will give you the advice to try your hardest to think with a clear head. Favors and rhinoplasty aside. Think about all what a move to San Fran (my favorite city in the country..jealous!) would mean. I can tell you I'm going back to CT for a week, a week from today, and I cannot WAIT to scoop those kids up and squeeze them.
And side note, to answer your actual question...I gave notice in an email because there was only ever five minutes I'd see them in the evening and the kids were crazy by then so I didn't want to blurt out "I'm leaving" and run. So I sent an email during the day and my boss called me within 30 minutes and we both sobbed throughout the whole call. Hardest thing ever!
Tons and tons of luck to you!
I don't think its comparative to a CEO taking a bonus. A CEO has made money for the company so is getting a portion of that - and usually CEO bonuses are paid 'in future'. i.e. your bonus is 225k payable 20% in cash now, 30% in cash in 12 months and 50% in shares that you can cash in in 3 years time. It requires a time commitment. Unless someone works for a hedge fund or similar, the bonus is rarely immediately hard cash in pocket and usually paid in return for future loyalty. The nanny says that when they talked about the rhinoplasty being paid for, it was implied she would work for them for years, so similar expectation of loyalty in return for the gift. I think it needs to be paid back in full by nanny or babysitter before leaving and think it not fair on the fantastic employers to turn this in to a repayment scheme where they might have to chase her for instalments. If you are going to leave, pay it back before you go. Its the right thing to do.
CEOs who LOSE money for companies get bonuses. Bottom line is the gift was given out of appreciation and it was not inappropriate for the nanny to accept for a job well done. Raising people's kids well is every bit as important (more, to me) a job and there is nothing improper about it being rewarded generously.
As far as repayment, as the nanny feels the need to repay this gift she should do so as she is able, not put her life on hold. The employers gave her this knowing that while it was expected she would stay a long time, nothing is guaranteed and people's circumstances change. Had they given the money strictly as a business arrangement, they would have drawn up a contract that said something to the effect that in exchange for the paid procedure, the nanny would stay X amount of time.
This whole argument of it being inappropriate for a nanny to accept a generous benefit in the course of performing her job well is bullshit. Why should nannies be exempt from great job perks when their job is one of the most important on the planet? The only reason for such a mindset I can see is snobbery.
EXACTLY. A simple "my personal circumstances changed and I'm relocating" would have sufficed. If you're gonna share details, people will share their thoughts on those details.
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I'm reading this back and I sound heated - only because I was! I do feel nannies are undervalued by society and considering the importance of what we do that aggravates me. I can't think of any reason our work shouldn't be rewarded accordingly as an employer sees fit if they are willing and able to do so.
The doctor turned you white?
Demand a refund!
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I haven't laughed so hard in a long time... Dr Jamin the miracle-worker!
and he's not on the internet, so I must email him...
Normally I really hate the comment spammers. But this, it was so good that I'm glad it snuck in.
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