Hi! This is my first time posting to the site (which I love so much!), so my apologies if I'm doing this incorrectly. Should I Stay or Should I Go? I have been a Nanny for an amazing family with two boys ages 5 and 2 1/2. I have been working for this family for almost a year now and everything is great ... some what. I have an amazing salary and great benefits, but my days have turned very long and stressful.
My problem is M.B and D.B and their manipulative 5 year old who rules the roost. We all have a great relationship and I have very open communication with M.B but lately I am at my wits end. The 5 year old "R" has been throwing me under the bus the past few weeks in front of his parents and telling them I haven't taken him certain places, bought him things etc. M.B doesn't usually pay to much attention to him when he does this but the past few days she has made comments to me about "R" complaining about how I dress him. She questioned me about how I dressed him the other day and then makes me look like the bad guy in front of a 5 year old and I am left feeling like they don't have enough trust in me to even dress a child.
I am also frequently asked where missing toys are and why I put certain toys away. Both M.B and D.B are extremely busy working professionals and they have hovered over me in the past. I believe they will try anything to be apart of the boys day and are somewhat "jealous" that I get to spend all day with their sons/do many fun activities. We have had several discussions about how they need to let go of the reigns and stop with the constant phone calls checking on the kids but the last few weeks I've left work crying, miserable and then in a crabby mood the next morning on my way into work. I'm sorry if I am rambling but I am struggling with whether I should leave my job or not. I use to love my job/family but now I am just flat out done and I need some advice.. do I tell M.B that I cant handle their 5 year old who is manipulative who throws me under the bus on a daily basis or do I just give my notice and move on? I love reading this blog and I know there are some great nannies out there who have probably been in similar situations. Thank You! - Anonymous
11 comments:
i am going to bet some good advice is coming! From my perspective - if you CAN leave you must. It's toxic and unhealthy for you and it probably is not going to change
Confronting them about their kids will not help at all. I would make something up such as a sick relative etc unless you think you will be running into them
try to line up another job before you quit
let us know what happens
Get a reference NOW and start looking for new jobs and quit as soon as you find one. I would try and sit down with them and have a discussion without the tyrant and tell them how it's making you feel. If they give a damn they will understand and work on it. Also if the kid comes up with lies. This is what I do DOES not work for everyone, I take pictures of where we are and how they're doing for proof. So if they lie , I use the pictures to disapprove any accusations. Also when they're being bad I take pictures or record them and I tell them that is what I'm doing so they're parents can see I'm not lying. They stop and behave themselves lol. Time out is not something that works with these kids but taking something away does or canceling a trip because they are misbehaving. Makes them think twice. :)) Quit.
I don't know if this situation can be saved because the only way it can be is if the parents put in the work. R is looking for attention from his parents and he sees that the only way he can get it is negatively. The parents are feeling guilty for not spending enough time with their children and I am sure R is picking up on that. So the only solution I can see is you encouraging them to spend as much quality time together as possible (without little brother).
I can relate to having kids attempt to sabotage you. It's a serious situation, and if parents do not back me up 100%, I don't feel respected and my respect for the relationship diminishes fast. That's my cue to drop the family.
Many parents are not aware of their own part in the dynamic and/ or it doesn't always occur to them what it feels like to be working hard all day to care for a child, only to be "set-up" to fail. Some parents are just plain weird and they need this dynamic to feel good about their own bond with their child. It's like, "I'm away from you all day, so when I come home, we'll show nanny who really is the boss- it's you and me kid!"
It happens a lot. Ugly stuff. Leave.
This job is stressful, and you are burned out. It is definitely time to move on.
I would absolutely not give the child's behavior, which they are well aware of, as a reason for leaving. This will only create bad feelings and accomplish nothing. If they ask, think of something positive. We'd all like less hours, right? I expect some will disagree with me, but I think in this situation honesty isn't the best policy.
Make a plan and then leave. Life is too short to be miserable. Get references now; use a babysitting gig as an excuse for the request. Get a new job lined up, and then quit. Good luck.
As a nanny who had a job about five months ago where I would go home crying, then I would just give notice and move on.
I realize now that life is too short to be miserable and that no job is worth feeling so bad about.
It has been five months since I left the job and looking back on things, my only regret is that I should have left earlier.
No one should have to leave work crying every day. No one.
It's time for you to leave. You deserve so much better.
I would ignore the little brat. Why are you letting a 5 yr. old kick your butt? Just continue doing your job. If MB wants to join in on the nonsense then ignore her too. Sometimes it's hard to tell who is the parent and who is the child. If you're that miserable then find another job and quit.
This was happening to me! It did put me in a crabby mood thinking about dealing with what "S" would say tomorrow, but then like 'No Worries' said in a previous post, I thought to myself why am I letting a 4 year kick my butt? I decided to start keeping a journal and to text MB when we were going certain places to make her aware of what exactly we were doing. I also like to snap a photo here and there when we we're out and about of the 3 of us doing something together and send it to Mom. I hate to think of it as proof, but a picture does say a 1000 words. Thankfully "S" hasn't fibbed to mom in a while.
But.... If you really feel like you're done, then go with your gut and be done!
It will truly make you happiest.
I've tried to go out of my way to make a couple of my nanny jobs work out in the past and I was never totally happy while doing that-it just always felt forced. So if it's not a good match, so be it. Get a good reference while you can and find a new awesome job. Good luck!
I think that the texting of outing updates and pictures is a really good idea. Not only for the reasons that have been said, but also because you mentioned that M.B and D.B will do anything to be apart of their boys day. I'm sure they would really appreciate the updates and photos. It also gives them something to talk about with the 5 y.o. when they get home. Instead of "What did you do with nanny today?""She dressed me weird and it made me upset." you might get "Did you have fun seeing the bears at the zoo today?""Yea there was these two baby ones that were wrestling!"
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