A couple months back I stayed up late to watch TV with by boss. He and his wife were getting a divorce. She was a horrible woman, nasty as could be, left him with the kids etc. Dad is the nicest guy ever, and the kids were so cute. I started staying later to help out. Anyways, that night we were up watching TV and one thing led to another and you know... Anyway it happened a few more times, and it stopped when I ended up moving away with my bf.
Anyways, I'm pregnant and I know for sure it's not my bfs. I know it belongs to my former boss. Should I tell him? I know he and his wife haven't divorced yet. Things are on hold for now but they aren't together either. Should I tell him? Should I tell my bf? Is there a chance for me and my ex boss?
117 comments:
Are you serious? If he slept with you while he was still married, wow. Honey, do yourself a favor and get a DNA test done when that baby is born, and then file for child support. But seriously, you should be ashamed of yourself.
I don't think your EXboss and you have a chance. Sorry, i no the game and i think he was vunerable with the issues he's having and wanted attention and affection from another women and who better then you., You were convient,
I do think you should find out for sure who's child it is and if it is your EXboss, my guess is he wont be to thrilled but you still should tell him.
Goodluck.
I do not think that your EX-Boss will want to go from a divorce to marriage and a baby immediately. I think he needs some time to be alone and single. However, you MUST tell him you are pregnant with HIS child. Don't expect him to be over the moon with your news, but if he is...that would be a nice bonus, wouldn't it??
Anyway, once the baby is born, he or she is entitled to know his or her biological father and both of you are entitled to child support.
Regarding your current boyfriend, I think you should tell him the truth. Do not lead him on by telling him you are carrying his child...that would be cruel. Also, since you are asking if there might be a chance between your former DadBoss and you, I am assuming you are not really happy in your current relationship.
This is a challenging situation OP and I wish you the best of luck.
I hope you can figure things out before the baby comes because once you become a mother, you will not want your innocent baby exposed to all of this.
P.S. Congratulations on your upcoming bundle of joy. ♥
Just My Two Cents Just Now, you covered every base here and I agree 100% with your comment. Good job, btw.
OP, you will surely take a beating from some of the posters here for not taking the moral high road but nonetheless, don't let that deter you from taking it now. Do the right thing, tell your ex-boss and bf, but don't have any expectations. The chances of all this working out in your favor are very slim.
You should just concern yourself with the baby right now. Good luck.
Is it me, or have we had an abundance of nannies who can't keep their knees closed?
He has the right to know, but if you can doubly, and triply make sure it is his before you say anything.
"If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife."
-Ann Landers
Dear OP:
To those posters who are so quick to throw this nanny under the bus shame on you.
People get into circumstances, it happens, but it does not in any way give others an excuse to bash them. People come on this site for advice given their situations not to get called names nor for others to judge their character etc.
MY ADVICE is based upon:
I have never been in your situation, however, I have found myself pregnant in the past, and choose to terminate the baby.
If I were you, I would have no hopes for a relationship between the DB and yourself. In the event that a relationship does begin I do not think that you would be able to fully trust him as what happens when you two have issues, in the back of your mind you may be thinking if he is sleeping around on you.
Also, if you know for a fact that you did not overlap sexual activity and that the baby is your DB, I would first save some funds, and make other living arrangements prior to telling your boyfriend a.) that your pregnant and b.) that its not his.
I am not saying to "trick him" I am just saying have a plan for yourself prior to telling him as it will blow up and you don't want to find yourself pregnant and homeless at the same time.
Additionally, I would tell the DB and find out how far along you are. Once you find out how far along you are you may want to consider your options: abortion, adoption etc. Just because you are pregnant does not mean that you need to keep the baby. It may be a big decision now and one that your not ready to make but later in life you may be glad that you choose an alternative.
You also need to ask yourself, are you ready for a baby, beyond child support are you in a position to raise a child, what support networks will you have to assist you with your child, what quality of life will your child/you have?
The way that I see it, both you and your boss were in vulnerable positions and perhaps the notion of being together got romanticized, however, it does not mean that there are not options out there.
Do not get into something that you will not/cannot handle at a later point.
I was 20, in University and pregnant, I thought that I could never have an abortion- especially because I am adopted so I felt it was very wrong. However, being in my early 30's now and looking back I am so glad that I made the decision, because having that child would have altered my life for the worse.
Best of Luck with your situation, and please do not even read the judgmental posts on this website, as no one has a right to offer anything except advice.
shame on us? Please.
Terminate the baby? I'm not touching that one with a ten foot pole. Nanny of one, I have nothing more to say to you.
Ignoring the fact that this man was your boss. . .
A man has a right to know if he has a child.
I hope to God you tell your BF the truth. To lead him on and go through with the pregnancy or to have him holding your hand when the pregnancy is terminated ijust sounds like the cruelest thing I can imagine. Especially if he is a trusting individual.
The PP's are correct when they say he probably won't marry you. And even if he does, he very well might cheat on you.
I cannot imagine the confusion, hurting and fear you must be feeling right now OP. It sounds like you could really use a long hug. I hope you have someone you can confide in until you decide what to do. Keeping all of this to yourself wojld only be harmful to your health and the precious life with in you.
Also, if you are strong enough to do so, there are thousands of couples across the country who would love and care for your child in ways you cannot fathom. They would be incapable of seeing your child as a "mistake" even if s/he is a "happy mistake" for you. My Husband and I are one of those waiting couples. Whatever route you choose to go, my heart goes out to you in your situation.
Well I don't want this page to turn into an abortion war. So let's all just stop right there!
Someone gave an abortion perspective. And she is free to do so.
I also had an abortion- 5 years into our marriage. It's been about 2 years since. It sucked but my husband is never home and always in the operating room. I didn't want to do that to us and in retrospect it was the best idea. We are just not ready for kids financially or emotionally.
Nanny if you plan on suing for child support as I'm sure you will- you need to tell dad now. And tell him what you expect.
Best of luck to you.
also I think it is wrong wrong to even begin to think this father of this child should be responsible. I do believe in accidents, however, I dont believe men should be responsible for a child he doesn't want. He is going through an emotional time as it is and you are going to fuck up his life. Do the father a favor and never ever contact him.
***should not be***
women should not be allowed to trap men. If a man found a way to trap a woman like this they would go postal. This is a find example of the fucked up double standard.
bitch you made this bed. you sleep in it.
how on Earth can you be so mean to your bf. i don't understand the cruelty it takes to have that type of morals.
Does the poster really think her BF will stay with her when he finds out she cheated on him? And as for future nanny positions, oh, by the way, I have a child from a past DB. Oh my.
Abortion is legal, and this is one hell of a mess for a defenseless baby. No father in the home, maybe child support, maybe the father will fight for the child to avoid child support, then no mother, and a likely stepmother, to a child of a former nanny.
There are a lot of outcomes to this, none of them good, and no, the father of the baby is not going to take up with the former nanny. She was no more than a convenient hole. It's a tough lesson to learn.
Sorry about the double post. I have no explanation. Please remove one???
@Phoenix:
How dare you be so freakin' cruel?? You just love to drop the "F" bomb over and over, don't you??
You are so freakin' judgemental about people!! This is a perfect example of how men cheat. If they can get away with it, they will do it. You seem so touchy about this topic...perhaps hitting a little too close to home???
Anyway, OP depending on how far along you are, abortion is one option. Just don't let yourself get pressured into doing it unless YOU want to. I had an abortion when I was younger, and have never regretted it. Sure, I have lingering guilt, but I feel I did the right thing at the time.
Being a single mother is tough, yet not impossible.
Whatever route you decide to take, it is imperative for your child to have a Father who knows (at the very least!!) that he created a child.
Good Luck Dear. ♥
My casual conversation is "f-bombs" that is how I talk.
and I think saying fuck is a little bit different than fucking up the lives of 4 people by being a slut
um the man didn't cheat. SHE did.
He was in the process of a divorce and that means an emotional separation from the spouse. Just because the divorce isn't finalized doesn't mean anything. That is a piece of paper. HE did nothing wrong.
I don't see how you can still blame the man for this. I don't get it
@ Phoenix
First you may want to wash your mouth out with some soap. It is one thing to voice your opinion on a matter, however, no need to fill this child-care related chat board with the language that you overtly utilize.
Side note: I did not bring up the abortion topic to create a debate around if abortion is right or wrong, as for a lifetime people will have differnces on that topic.
I simply wanted to let the OP know that there are options out there.
In this case, I think that the best option would be for the child to get adopted. As too many people are bringing children into this world that do not have the means, both financially and emotionally to care for them.
Best of Luck OP Keep us posted!
I have to agree, Phoenix is off base, and profane.
The father MUST be brought into the picture, for the sake of the child, if the fetus is carried to term. A mother has no right to waive the rights of a child to her biological father, and the child support due the child. Even a prenup can't waive the rights of a child.
Both of them cheated, one on a wife, and one on a boyfriend, but they both cheated. It's an awful situation, made worse by the naiveté of the nanny.
how did the husband cheat? because that piece of paper wasn't filed with the courts? that is for legality only. the heart and love was gone. They decided to end the family so therefore there was no more wife. She was his spouse on paper and that's it. Once you emotionally close down and both sides no longer want any part of eachother and both agree there is nothing between them, then he did not cheat.
She was in a relationship. He was not. paper is tangible item that shows a union. but if you emotionally change and neither side wants that commitment to eachother anymore. then its over. He didn't cheat on his wife. He had no more wife at this time
Oh it was definitely both of them that cheated. But ya know, that isnt nearly as big a deal as the fact that this child has to use this story as the building blocks for his/her life. I cannot imagine how difficult that would be to do.
Phoenix, your cruelty knows no bounds! Once again, you go defending the man! Paper or not, that marriage is STILL legal and the wife could get him for adultery if she wanted.
Reading OP's post, she comes off a little bit naive. Her last sentence even proves it: "Is there a chance for me and my ex boss?"
Why are some of you being so hard on her? She came here for advice, so if you have nothing constructive to offer, shut the hell up.
Phoenix I totally support you on this one.
I only skimmed through the comments because a few of them were pretty vulgar but it looks like one of phoenixes got taken down, and rightly so. Some of the names you called the OP were downright nasty. How you got a man to marry you phoenix, I'll never know. The way you act, theres nothing ladylike about you at all!
Akward (sic) lol, at least learn to spell your moniker correctly!
This blog can be worse than a HS lunchroom. GROW UP PEOPLE!
i knew one was going to be taken down. I didn't care. Venting anger about this topic and the audacity a woman would go about thinking this is ok is just not acceptable.
but I stand. the man did nothing wrong. this case he did nothing wrong at all
LOL. no i'm not lady like. I already knew that. people don't like my full frontal approach.
even if you say something politely and you make the words pretty and give the message gift wrapped, it doesn't change the meaning of the message. If you say it nicely or not the message is the same. I don't like gift wrapping and its easier to just give a straight answer. no matter how pretty you make the statement, it doesn't change the intended message
Rubbernecker I'm sorry for not pulling out my "english is my 3rd language" dictionary first to spell perfectly in your lol world. But mostly thank you to Siri for auto " correcting " me.
If we want to get into rights and wrongs bothe the dad and nanny were in the wrong.
1. We have no idea where in the divorce process he & mom were from the OP. They could have actually been divorcing. Or they could have had a fight Mom went to her sister's for the weekend and she or dad threatned a divorce.
Or dad made it seem like they were divorcing to bang nanny.
2. Even if they were divorcing sleeping with your employee is at the very least unethical.
3. We have no indication what her status was with her boyfriend. OP seems sort of flighty and emotional and it would not surprise me at all if she was not exclusive with the boyfriend until right up before the move.
4. Even if she wasn't in a serious relationship it is still unethical at the very least to sleep with your boss.
OP,
You don't need a lecture in morality from us you do need a dose of reality.
1. DB doesn't want a relationship with you, You can get that out of your head.
2. You need to find a good support system where you are currently living.
3. If you decide to keep this pregancy either by choosing to parent or adoption you should inform your former boss of the child.
I truly wish you the best, and that this can be a start to a different ath in your life.
"Is there a chance for me and my ex boss?"
You have got to be kidding, right?
OP, you need to get off the fantasy wagon fast, and make some tough decisions about this pregnancy.
Yes, you should inform both men you are pregnant. No, you should not expect either one of them to want to have anything to do with you after you tell them there are two possible fathers, and they (and the baby) will need to be tested to find out who is.
If you decide to give birth and keep it, be sure (as another poster said) that you have a strong, emotional support system in place, because having a baby yourself is so much much much harder than playing house with someone else's!
Make sure you can financially support this child yourself, too, because after the DNA test is done, there is no guarrantee that the biological father will pay support on time, if at all. (or pay enough to make any real monetary difference!) And welfare doesn't pay enough, either.
Your post sounds very foolish and immature; not the post of anyone who should be considering giving birth at all.
I sure hope this is a troll post....
I am sorry but I do not think this is true. I feel as though it is trying to better the drama of the earlier post about a cheating Nanny. I find it hard to blv that you had one night with your boss while staying up watching TV with him and then amazingly you fell pregnant and it just happened to be that one time of the month when you were fertile and also you have a boyfriend so I would assume that as you had not fallen pregnant from him you were using some sort of contraception?
I am sorry if I get in trouble now for questioning the OP but it's all so over the top, 1 in a million chance and I cannot bring myself to blv it..
Phoenix is making me dizzy again!
I was about to call fake too, but then I saw that these late night rendezvous continued for a period of time.
Her language is somewhat vague so there's no way of knowing the exact time frame of things.
I hope it's fake, butsadly stuff like this takes pace and good very well be true.
I truly wish you well, OP
but
You really need to wake up and grow up. You have a ton of serious choices to make in a short amount of time.
This it some game or a fantasy story like you seem to think it is.
This is real life.
Ish ain't lookin' so good for you right now.
Susannah, amazing post! You hit on a subject here that was very relevant..
"We have no idea where in the divorce process he & mom were from the OP. They could have actually been divorcing. Or they could have had a fight Mom went to her sister's for the weekend and she or dad threatned a divorce.
Or dad made it seem like they were divorcing to bang nanny."
The nanny said they had relations quite a few times so it seems more likely the parents could have just been separated. Especially since several months later, no divorce has been finalized. I think you may be right, the dad used that to get into the nanny's pants.
To Noway, sorry to say this but you must have a reading comprehension problem. OP/nanny said they had sex several times, not just once. So it wasn't the luck of the draw that got her pregnant.. it was all that serious banging!
Well , I think Twocents said it best.
What's done is done and can't be changed. OP can only learn from this and work on the present and make better choices for herself now and in the future.
You seem very young from your post and unfotunately you're going to have to grow up very quickly starting now. It won't be easy , but it can be done.
Surround yourself with a good and wise support system, someone that can help guide you, that you can confide in ,counsel you, who can advise you. Family, friends, a women's group in your area.
I truly wish you the best
Why must everything turn so bitchy on here? From spelling corrections to nasty remarks and personal attacks! Why is it that when we females get together things turn nasty and fast? What is meant to be an open forum for people to as for advice and give some turns into nothing but childish cat fights.
I really like this forum but do not like how there is such a bitchy under tone to almost every commet. The urge to prove others wrong and force your opinions on others is really all I get from most of the replies
So if someone makes a mistake, spells something wrong or perhaps misunderstands the OP why must they be spoken to so badly. It is like hight school with some posters trying to be Queen of ISYN!!
Oh dear I see on my phone I made a few mistakes reading it back!
Phoenix...I am glad your mean post was deleted by the blog administrator....don't expect many brownie points from her.
Anyway, you are so stupid. Really stupid. Why are you defending this man?? Is it because you are still under the impression that not all men cheat...*cough* your hubby...
Anyway, people please don't be so harsh on the OP. She sounds like she is very young and when we were all younger, we ALL did some stupid stuff. Don't deny it. If we all walked into our bedrooms now and opened up our closets...a bunch of skeleton would emerge.
I don't see very many people being very mean to this poster.
I see a lot of honesty. I think that's what shed needs. It's of no help to paint a puppies, rainbows, and kittens picture for her.
She needs to grow up and fast. It's not just about her and her youthful indescretions any longer. There are many lives impacted by this including one she is currently carrying.
Feeding into her fantasy of ex DB being a perfect prince just waiting to sweep her away is no help.
Sure we all did our crap as young people.
I don't think she deserves to be called names or condemned to hell.
But life is going to more likely than not be tougher for her before it gets better.
She has been given some good advice here. Hopefully she is able to take it and make some sort of plan.
Also,
I would get checked for stds.
Who's to say you were the only one your former boss was with...
I'm sorry, but I think this is a fake post. It is just way too soap-opera-ish to be real. Or maybe I'm just desperately hoping this nobody would be that stupid in real life.
1234, there were a few flames directed at the OP but the one post that I know of that was removed (not sure if any others were) had Phoenix calling the OP some really nasty names. I understand sometimes people get angry and want to vent and thats fine but outright calling OP's horrible names on here shouldn't be allowed.
I guess what bugged me the most was, what if this nanny is in a fragile state? She's pregnant, probably scared, her hormones are raging, so she comes here for advice and has some nobody jumping down her throat. The OP already sounds a bit young and naive, but we know nothing of her mental state. Having a person be so cruel like that could push someone over the edge, you know? I think a lot of folks around here have become desensitized to her drama but I think even Phoenix went too damn far this time.
I wish OP would report back and let us know how she's doing. But she's probably too afraid of getting slammed. See, thats what sucks about this whole thing, not getting updates. Some of you really need to chill out sometimes!
@Umass:
That was harsh. Calling both parents a@#holes is waay out of line in my book. What's done is done. It cannot be undone.
What we need to do is look forward..not backward on this. Calling OP nasty names is pointless. She is now pregnant and does not need the stress of hearing all this negativity. When a woman is pregnant, she should not be under any stress at all to ensure a healthy baby/delivery.
♥
Her entire situation is stressful, because of the poor decisions she has made. I think they both cheated, but this woman (she is old enough to make adult decisions and therefore shouldn't be treated with kid gloves) now hopes to play house with someone else's husband, which is ridiculous. Agree with people saying she needs to tell both men, but let me tell you, if she thinks this blog is cruel, then she is completely unprepared for the shit storm that is about to go down when she does.
Now I will still defend the husband. Why? He and his wife are getting a divorce. A mutually agreed upon break-up. They were not together anymore. The nanny was in a relationship and she took advantage of this man. Yes that happens. Men have feelings too and if he is as nice as she says he was he was heartbroken and in a vulnerable spot. The nanny was in a relationship and I gather her bf thought everything was fine. It doesn't matter how he treated her. If she was going to pursue sex outside the relationship she should have told her bf she wanted to sleep with other people.
Her actions have caused a lot of hurt for a lot of people. But mostly hurting her baby. The stress of this situation is worse for her baby than smoking during pregnancy would be.
This was an avoidable situation.
So that being said she can't go back in time and change her ways. She needs to come clean to her bf and she needs to tell the father of this baby that she is pregnant. If it were one of my friends I would advise not suing for child support because this man is already having a tough time. He does need to make the decision. If he wants to be in the child’s life he can but she shouldn't expect an obligation to her. If he doesn't want to be in the kids life and doesn't want to be financially responsible that is his choice and one she shouldn't pursue.
She should also tell her bf so he can either leave or help her raise the baby. But if her relationship continues with her bf he will never trust her and he would have a higher chance of abusing the child because of what the child represents and the baby would be the one to suffer most.
As far as I knew mothers were supposed to protect their children. Even the ones who aren't born yet. The mother is responsible and needs to bring a child into a stable environment. The selfish actions of this nanny will cut deep for this child and that is not fair.
That being said, I would never get offended for MPP taking down one of my posts. I will apologize to the fact that I did comment with emotions running high and I went against my own rule of not letting emotions play a part. That was wrong. I apologize for what I said about the OP that was out of line. There are nicer ways of getting my point across but I do not feel any different about the OP or this situation. Betrayal is the worst thing anyone can do. I've seen people in my life ruined by cheating. One of my friends was married to a man and they were not able to have children. Well he starting seeing this girl on the side and got her prego. He then went back to my friend and said that he was sorry and wanted to sue the other girl for the baby so they could raise it together as their own. Well she forgave him and loved him and loved the thought of having a baby. She bought a bigger house and did up a room for the baby. The day she and her husband were supposed to move in she was served divorce papers and she was so hurt that she didn't really see what she was signing but he took her for everything, moved in with the other girl, and basically ruined her life. To this day she refuses to date and won’t come out of her house. that to me is scandalous shit. He even went as far as getting an order of protection against her because he was just trying to be mean.
So in my opinion a person who cheats and hurts other's for their own benefit are the lowest creatures on Earth. It would be different if the OP did it once and she got carried away and swept up in the moment. But this was a multiple session. She would sleep with this man and go home to her bf and pretend everything was ok. How can someone be so heartless and without empathy?
doesn't make sense to me. like I stated if this was a onetime ooops and she knew she did wrong and made sure to never do it again that is forgivable to my view. Still may not be forgivable to her bf though. But I could see how that could happen to someone of a weaker character. But to do it multiple times, that takes a different kind of evil altogether.
Phoenix you're assuming that the OP has correctly represented that they are getting divorced. Since they are still together, they might be attempting to reconcile. As for not suing for child support...you are so intent on demonizing the OP that you've neglected to recognize that the child will suffer if she doesn't....And that it takes two to tango. Why should she bear all the responsibility for a decision they both made?
i say that to ALL women who have a baby in this type of situation. Yes it takes two to tango but i don't rely on anyone to keep me safe.
Women are interesting in the fact that they always blame men for everything. The man is the mean asshole every time. But for a group of people who don't like men very much they seem to depend on them for everything.
I never depended on a man when it came to birth control. Why? It is my body, I am the one who would end up pregnant. Therefore I am the one who has to be responsible for my own safety and protection.
If a man says he doesn't have a condom and the girl sleeps with him anyway that is HER fault.
I also don't believe in the idea of trapping a man to try to keep him around. That is so scandelous to me. If a man had a way to royally screw over a woman like this. They would freak out. It is the same concept of a man going out and adopting a baby without the knowldege of his lady, bringing it home and shoving it in her arms and saying here you are a mother now and you have no choice and you can't ever leave and I don't care if you didn't want a child, you are responsible now and if you don't help me i will sue the pants off you.
That isn't fair. i wish there were laws in place to protect people from this type of situation but there isn't.
Just because a man is "going through a hard time" at the point of conception does not relieve him of the fact that he is now a Father to another child, nor does it give him an excuse to get out of the rights his son/daughter has in regards to financial support. Sorry Phoenix.
oh ok. I keep forgetting that women like to screw everyone over all the time.
you're right. I must be wrong. It is so ok for another person to screw another one over.
so if this story was about the man screwing over the nanny would it be better then?
Equal rights my ass. Women don't want to be equal they want to be better. Men are bad, women are good. They don't do anything wrong and are always getting trampled and ticked.
I don't understand this way of thinking. Honestly if people advocate women so much and think they are so good then why do you advocate and think its normal for them to be stupid? wouldn't a feminist think that women were smarter than this? That they couldn't be "tricked" by the man? And if men are such assholes why do women time and time again put their faith all in the hands of the man. They are doomed if they do, and doomed if they don't
If someone came up to you and gave you a dog or a cat that you don't like and NEVER wanted and you even told people you NEVER wanted a pet and they forced you to take it anyway. How would that make you feel?
It's not "screwing a man over" to expect him to take responsibilty for the decision both consenting adults made to have unprotected sex. It's not like the nanny forced him to ejaculate at gun point, haha. The child has nothing to do with it's mean of being conceived, the parents (both of them) do. I don't think this is a sexist comment or a belief that beats down a man.
When my Husband and I were dating he initiated a conversation about what would happen if I were to find myself pregnant (even though I was on birth control) and HIS opinion was that a man should then man up and care for his child. To him and I both, it was a 'risk' we were both taking by sleeping together. It's not like a man doesn't understand where a baby comes from.
also, no birh control is 100% effective. Women find themselves pregnant while on the pill, shot, or using condoms daily. Are you giving a free pass to the fathers in those situations as well?
it depends on the situation. If two people are in a relationship already and she falls pregnant and they BOTH want the child then sure he can be responsible its HIS choice. if the woman doesn't want the child she can either abort or adopt out. If the man doesn't want the child the woman says "fuck you, were having a child."
the man has no say in these types of scenarios and he should. if he doesn't want anything to do with the kid he shouldn't be forced to take care of it.
basically what happens is the woman has found a way to take the choice away from the man. He has no say if she wants to abort and he has no say if she wants to keep it. There are even times when the dad wants to be in the child's life and the mom hates him to she "punishes" him by refusing to let him see his child. He can of course take the legal route but most courts do not care about the fathers position.
The man has no choice and the woman has all the choices. he should have a choice
I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.
Wow, this is as bad as it gets! OP look I'm not going to tell you shame on you, however I'm a married woman myself and even when I was single I valued marriage/a taken man so I have little understanding when it comes to cheating. However now your in a real jam, where not just your life is put into a tailspin but many other people too. I agree that you didn't get the opportunity to take high road before so now is your opportunity to do the right thing. You have to tell your boyfriend first! It's not fair to lie and lead him on. I cannot guarantee how he will react however it's still the right thing to do even though you are scared. Second you need to make the choice depending on how far along if you will terminate the pregnancy, adoption, or to keep the baby. I am pro choice so I would not think less of anyone who would make any of the 3 choices at hand. All 3 choices come with lots of baggage and consequence and only you can decide what is best for YOU. And regardless of your choice you should tell the father too but DO NOT expect him to want or need to be involved. You made this choice for YOURSELF so don't expect him to help or care. If he does great if he doesn't then march forward. Keep us posted!
Phoenix, I will never understand your way of thinking. It's so completely ridiculous and one-sided!
I agree with Dr. Juris and Lyn, why the hell should the child suffer for BOTH of their mistakes? He/she is innocent.
When a man gets a hard-on and all the blood rushes out, he doesn't lose his fucking mind, he can still choose NOT to have sex. This husband made a conscious decision to have an affair with the nanny. He could have pulled out at any time, literally!
BTW, Phoenix - thankfully this nanny has the courts on her side, should she choose to sue for child support - a RIGHT that this child has! Sorry if that pisses you off, lol.
giving someone the right to have a choice is not "one-sided" in fact that is standing up for BOTH sides.
I don't think you understand what I say because you just can't think. period.
the woman had a choice to have the baby. it is HER choice and hers alone. Would it be good for the husband to try and make her have an abortion? That's not his choice is it? No. He can't do that. So why do women think its ok to make these types of decisions for a man?
I'm not a feminist by any means. I do know that men are creeps as well. but not allowing the freedom and equality of choice to both genders goes against the very fabric of what women "claim" they want. They don't want to be equal they want to be better and at the same time they want everyone to feel sorry for them.
STUPID
whoa to the world the hardshios of a woman.
If these dumb women would stop creating their own flippin' hardships they wouldn't need sympathy nor would they find themselvs standing there with a stupid look on their face wondering what the hell they are supposed to do now.
Vile creatures
Hmm, guess I got under your skin. You've now resorted to name calling! Boo-fucking-hoo Phoenix, lol.
Thank God you haven't the power to make the decisions for women. You'd set us back 100 years!
When a man has sex he KNOWS going in what the consequences are! And if he doesn't want that responsibility, he should JUST SAY NO!
damn phoenix, you hate women so much, why don't you have a sex change!!
I wish this wasn't real. I'm willing to bet the OP wishes this was just adream as well..
Unfortunately in my experiences real life & truth are far more screwed up than any soap drama I've ever watched.
I just devoured 50 shades of grey and if it wasn't for my gradution rehearsal I'd be reading the next porno, I mean book.
After that book... I could make all kinds of bad decisions.... Assuming I could find a Christian Grey.
Maybe OP read 50 shades of grey too? Ok bad joke.
OP you came here for help. Not to be stoned by scrunchie wearing ladies.
I would suggest you decide if this child should be brought into the world. Or pick an alternative option if the first option is against your beliefs. Alternatively you should decide if you want to raise this kid. No offense but if dad really wanted you he would be with you now. No way a kid is going to make him run back to the couch.
You owe him te truth. Perhaps you can ask him for financial assistance for whatever the abortion/adoption choice will be. Or perhaps he would want to even take the child (some men will do the unlikely). But if you choose to keep the kid it would be pretty shitty if u didn't give him a financial heads up.
As to the issue of support my opinion is thiis: yo both made the kid you both pay for the kid.
Same for msn or woman. If a woman has kids and wants to up & leave them with dad, she can send in her monthly check.
Ppl won't like this but I agree with most of what phoenix said. Women and men both have the responsibility to use protection, women more so because everything falls on us if we get pregnant. You can't force someone to be a parent if they don't want to be. If the man doesn't want the child and the woman does then she should expect to take on all responibilities. Let's not forget she allowed the sex without protection. Say wrap it up or get out. I come from a single parent household and my mother "trapped" both her husbands by having children but what she didn't realize was their are ways to not pay child support and not be apart of the child's life. Who wants to grow up knowing your father doesnt want you anymore. I rather her have either aborted/ adoption(like she did for my sis) or not let these men disappoint us by not letting them in our lives to begin with. I rather have one parent who truly loves me then a father who constantly blow me off and refused to pay unless to rub it in our faces.
I always said if I got pregnant I would keep the child and give the father the option to either be completely involved or out of the picture completely. There is no middle ground, u show up and be the best parent possible or you go on with your life.
Phoenix,
Perhaps you should enroll here:
http://www.etiquette-ny.com/page/page/1507694.htm
It is a charm school in NYC. If you can't attend that one you can always find one in you area!
That hypothetical man you speak of Phoenix chose to sleep with the woman. Not knowing if she was using BC, or heck BC can fail.
You both do the deed you are both responsible.
Phoenix you also assume that OP and her bf were exclusive at the time she and DB slept together.
Perhaps they were on a break. Perhaps OP was vulnerable too
I'm also not entirely certain how divorced ther former DB and MB are or were.
At the end of the post it seems as though she still has some sort of communication with him.
I don't see anything in this post that says OP raped DB. Sounds like he was a willing participant in the antics.
Doesn't seem like OP was trying to trap him. If she were I think she would have told her old boss in a heartbeat.
She sounds too me like a young lady who got caught up in the idea of her boss a nice stable guy, who wanted to be with her or so she thought.
Who's to say this wasn't a Ross/Rachel situation where they were both on a "break" from their SOs.
All I can say is I find it very interesting that Phoenix can excuse this man because he was "vulnerable"
Yet had not an ounce of compassion for the rape victims in another post who were also in a position of vulnerability.
That's pretty sad Bostonnanny, you're saying you wish your mom would've chosen to abort you? I hope I'm just reading it wrong. If not, it sounds like it hurt like hell your dad wasn't in your life. And to even feel that way now in adulthood, maybe there's something more going on with you that should be looked into?
You said:
"If the man doesn't want the child and the woman does then she should expect to take on all responibilities. Let's not forget she allowed the sex without protection."
Sorry, but even if a woman decides to keep the baby, the man STILL has a responsibility - a financial responsibility. And ALLOWING the sex without protection? Come on! I'll take what a PP said above: "it's not like she held a gun to his head" forcing him to ejaculate!
I just don't understand how some of you are so easily able to discount a man from his obligations. He knows the consequences of having sex and if he doesn't want to be tied down having a baby there are many ways he can protect himself: abstinence, condoms, vasectomy, etc.
There is NO excuse for a man to not hold up his end of the bag if a woman gets pregnant!
LOL. lots of people say I have a man view on life. Maybe I do. but i still say that no one should be forced to do anything. I also didn't say that the man was raped. I said he was taken advantage of or that he wasn't in the right frame of mind. And they aren't. One of my friends that I worked with had a wife who cheated on him. His solution was to try to latch on to me. If I was a horrible woman and didn't love my husband my friends offer to marry me would have been very appealing. He made 200k a year and he was a good man. But he wasn't thinking correctly because he was distraught.
It isn't fair to say that women can be taken advantage of and men can't. he did have sex with her. But she also had sex with him and she knew she wasn't be safe. She shouldn't have even had sex with him at all. but she did and she can't fix that.
All I'm saying is that men should be given the choice whether or not they want to be involved with their child just like the mother gets to have a choice.
Women like to say that since they are the ones that carry the child they get to call the shots and they do and men can't do anything about it. But then at the same time they say that it is partly the mans fault for allowing them to get pregnant. There should be no difference when it comes to this. The woman needs to call the shots the entire time and say she can't have sex unprotected. But they don't and then they get mad at the man
If you don't trust men, you don't respect men, and you don't think they treat women fairly, then why would you put the entire responsibility of birth control on the man?
It's plain ass wrong. And yes, this is a reason why I hate some women
also to bring up my pro-rape thing again. this is the same type of scenario.
the woman not being proactive in regards to herself. So women don't take the responsibility to keep themselves safe and then something happens to them and they blame everyone but themselves.
do you get mad at the man who rear-ended you and you weren't wearing your set-belt and your face was bashed into the steering wheel? yes the man rear-ended you and that sucks but he wasn't the one who made you forget to protect yourself and wear your seat-belt.
1+1=2 not 734
Made my husband read this. "I'm pretty sure Phoenix is a man, and a misogynist one at that" -my husband.
no I am female. I made my husband read this as well. He agreed that human kind is doomed because no one knows how to take responsibility for their own actions. He also thinks that most women are off the rocker and that the feel that since they have the ability to create life that they feel they are godly in some way. Seems to me that women forget that EVERYTHING reproduces to better the species. We don't do that anymore. I fully agree with my husband. He, like me, think that there are some people both male and female you use deductive reasoning and they truly understand their role in life. And the remainder are crazy entitled idiots who are extremists. Not everyone is an idiot but most are. Every now and then you meet someone who has brain. It is harder to find those people.
honestly. When I got pregnant on accident I didn't blame the man. It was my stupid ass fault. Yeah he came inside me but i was the one who allowed it.
duh
Waittttt I thought you were infertile?
I am. I had my hysterectomy when I was 24. I've had 3 pregnancies. All ended in miscarriage
i got prego first time when I was 16, then 19 and the last one I was 21. my husband was the dad of all 3
Emotions are definitely running high on some of these posts. I hate like hell that I've had to remove a couple of comments but the bashing is getting out of control.
Points can be made without calling someone a hideous tranny or drag queen.
I know Phoenix can take a lot of heat but some Readers were offended by that comment and very quickly I received several requests to take it down.
Lets watch the derogatory terms, please.
Eww..Phoenix...TMI.
Sorry, it takes TWO to Tango. If he didn't want to take any chances of getting this nanny pregnant he should have taken precautions. I am sure no condoms were being used. Before a guy decides to sleep with someone they better be prepared for any outcome.
In this case a baby. If it is his he should have to pay for this baby. Why should the child suffer? Do you know how expensive diapers and clothes and daily expenses can be. I am sure the law would be on the side of the mother, on this.
Sorry but he was a jerk as well. He took a chance and now he may burn for it.
I'm sorry, but how is getting pregnant automatically the woman's fault? That's how you seem to typify it, Phoenix, although BC is known to fail. Pregnancy doesn't require stupidity....sometimes it's just bad (or good) luck.
My husband brought up an excellent point when I made him read this post. (What is it with us bringing our hubs into this??) He said that if OP tries to go after the dad for child support, it might screw up his divorce and his custody battles with his wife. I got the impression from OP that she isn't a "stick it to the man" kind of gal so if she doesn't want to make life even more difficult for him, perhaps she should wait to tell him about the pregnancy after his divorce is finalized.
Also, my husband told me that as a man, he wouldn't want to know the baby wasn't his. He would be ok raising it as his own, so he suggested she carry on with the lie and just stay with her boyfriend. I don't know if I agree with this advice, but it would certainly make it easier for all involved. My personal opinion is that she should just go ahead and abort because this baby is going to be fucked up no matter what and OP is obviously not ready to be a mom.
PS: Birth control is not "known" to fail. It has a tiny failure rate when used correctly. Most of the time when it does fail, it is user error.
I have to agree with Miss Mannah on this one.
I have heard so many people complain to me that they were on the pill or whatever else...when they got pregnant. They all assume they are the 1% that get pregnant. I contribute it to user error as well. For example, the pill is supposed to be taken at the same time each day to be effective. If people do not follow the instructions to a "T" on how to protect themselves, then they will get pregnant.
lol how is it that you all can get your husbands to read this shit? If I asked mine to he would never. lol he would not read this. :)
Wow, because she made a mistake she should kill her baby? Oh she made some major mistakes. Really that doesn't mean she should abort her baby. Most people that do that regret it later on in their life. Usually they end of in a deep depression. Abortion shouldn't be used an easy way out.
If she feels like she doesn't have the means to be a good mom she can always do open adoption.
I wish OP would write back and let us know she is okay.
Women who have abortions do not end in great depression. That is an old wives' tale. That has been disproved by scientific studies tracking women who had abortions over time. These are long term studies.
Women do not abort babies. They abort fetuses, a collection of cells that cannot live outside the woman's body. That is not a baby. That's why it is called a fetus.
Abortion is legal, and God teaches us not to judge. Each woman has to make that choice for herself, as it's her body.
I don't think it is necessary to get into an abortion debate. The fact of the matter is, it is legal and many people do not believe it is murdering babies. You can believe whatever you want. But if OP is pro-choice, she should definitely consider that one of her choices. If she is pro-life, then it doesn't matter because she wouldn't do it anyway.
Umass, I would be exaggerating if I said I could get my husband to actually sit down and read this blog or the comments. I sum up a few stories and give him the major consensus of the comments and then ask him to weigh in on his opinion. I like to get his view on things because it is overwhelmingly female here and a male POV is refreshing.
i didn't say it was just the woman's fault. why can't anyone read what I write in the literal format not the one you assumed i said
Well said, Village. I totally agree and am pro-choice as well.
Village said...
"Women do not abort babies. They abort fetuses, a collection of cells that cannot live outside the woman's body."
Say what you want, but not all women view it as a fetus. I'm also pro-choice, but would never have an abortion myself. I just don't want the right taken away from the woman because it is her body to do with what she wishes. However, from the moment of conception, I view it as a miracle of life.
And ericsmom, I too wish OP would come back and let us know whats happening, but I doubt she will. There was too much drama and bashing going on in this thread, obviously with some of it directed at her, for her to feel comfortable enough to do so.
i dont understand what i said that was "eeew"
Well just because abortion is Legal does not make it right. That is my feeling on the subject.
I call bull on people that say abortion and depression do not go hand in hand.
The reason that abortion is legal and will remain legal is that no one can prove that life begins at conception. Imagine if abortion became illegal...then every woman who miscarried a child would have to be investigated, etc.
And to say that women who have abortions end up depressed is crazy. What about women who give up a child? Like they do suffer any ill effects?? They also have guilt issues for giving up an innocent child.
Anyway, it is up to OP whether or not she wants to abort this baby. It is not up to us. Her decision is between her, her Dr. and God.
Yet another comment thread where Phoenix becomes the focus of attention...
Phoenix, I think the "Eww" comment was because you wrote that you let a guy come inside you.
That is so gross to write on a blog, especially a nanny blog.
C'mon now. Show some class Girl.
Rocket Scientist,
You repeated it, so if Phoenix lacks class, you lack even more.
you remind me of the kids I take care of: when they say "he said F*&%!" I say, "You just said it too."
ps to aregular:
are you jealous of Phoenix? You must be if you made that comment about being the focus of attention. If you have something intelligent to say, please share with us.
"Researchers now say there is actually no good evidence that having an abortion causes women psychological distress."
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1091978/Abortion-NOT-linked-depression-scientists-claim.html
Mary K if you hate reading them, why do you read them? You should just skip them. I'm not holding a gun to your head, chief.
I admit I can be juvenile. That's true.
I'm not Phoenix. Trust me. But I will back anyone up if I think they are worth it.
I'm flattered that you think I'm Phoenix, actually. I can think of worse people on this blog to be associated with. For instance, trolls like you.
Two things I am getting sick of seeing here:
1. Posters being accused of being each other. It is totally unnecessary.
2. Someone saying in faux disbelief "I actually agree with so-and-so." It makes you look very conceited.
how is saying my husband got me pregnant bad? at least it wasn't some other random man who is still married. cough cough
and Umass and I are not the same person. If you would read the older posts you would see that. Otherwise the Phoenix/Umass one person unity would be a seriously split personality with serious self esteem issues. LOL. I don't even know how someone could argue with themselves like that
And I would rather be considered one with Umass. She is not a coward who hides behind multiple identities and she stands by her opinions.
Other people only wish they had that type of worth
Hey Phoenix I am really sorry for your loss. I can't imagine going thru that once let alone three times. Best wishes to you!
You can show me all the stats how abortion doesn't affect the woman. I don't care what you read on paper. I have a friend that had one eight years ago. I didn't know she had one. She brought it up to me a few times. I can hear the sadness in her voice. She even tells me she knew the sex. Also, how she feels bad for what she did. She does regret it.
Another person I knew when I was younger, had two kids. She was a single mom and only in her 20's. I thought it was stupid that she got pregnant again. I told her she shouldn't abort it though. She did get an abortion.
She was so sad for so long. I felt really bad for her. I know if she had another child it wouldn't be easy. But abortion is not an easy choice either.
1st of all, stop judging yourself and now look forward. We ALL make mistakes. Some more severe than others...believe me, I in no way condone your act of selfishness, but what's done is done, unfortunately...So how can you make this circumstance even the slightest bit fortunate? Start by living by correct principles, and a principle in your situation is honesty. Yes, you will be hated by some and possibly lose a lot, but what you GAIN is empowerment and strength in character by making the CHOICE to face facts, take responsibility for your actions and start to basically do the RIGHT THING. Period. I wish you the best.
In my opinion abortion really only makes the woman sad if they were brought up to thinking that it was bad. Meaning if a woman goes through life learning that abortion is bad and then she is faced with the decision of needing to have one she will have a moral epsiode and think she is sinning. I honestly feel it is a cultural belief system.
I know quite a few people who have had abortions. All for different reasons. The women who were brought up thinking that it was a sin to abort and that they were killing off an actual person had a very hard time accepting it. The women who looked at it as a scientific way and saw it only as a cluster of cells didn't have an issues. It also depended on whether or not the woman actually wanted to raise kids. THe ones who wanted to be mothers had a lot of issues thinking about what could have been. THe opposite was true about women who had no desire to have a family.
I knew a girl who waited way to long in my opinion to abort. She was almost 5 months along and she had that kind of abortion where they put the woman in labor and delivery half of the fetus and decapitate it before removing the head. Now that is to me is straight up killing the baby and she should have put it up for adoption.
Abortion is a personal decision and one that I will NEVER judge any woman about. She came to the conclusion. If abortion is used as a method of birth control that is wrong. But if the abortion was a decision the woman felt must be made then she did so and her feelings are hers alone. If she feels no regret then she doesn't. If she does then that's ok too.
Each case is different. And honestly none of my business but I am pro-choice and I can not even pretend to even try to think what another woman is feeling or SHOULD be feeling.
Agree with Phoenix on the abortion issue. The guilt many feel is a social construct, perpetuated by people like the judgmental women commenting on this board. You may have a uterus and the decision may not be your personal choice, but it's not your body and none of your business.
I think its funny how the OP asked for advice about HER situation yet everyone on here has turned this into their issue. No wonder OP hasn't updated us readers on her current status on her problem. How about we all take a step back and give her advice and not bash her or turn the focus on ourselves! Try to put yourself in her shoes! She came to a public forum about a serious issue and I have read very little to see any true help other than everyone has a sharp tounge on here! Geeze!
So what help are you giving her Penny. I don't see any advice on your side, just bitching.
To ericsmom- I DID give my opinion/advice ONCE I don't need to comment on every single post that OTHER readers write on, especially on a very tough situation. I was merely trying to point out others have turned this into their issue not hers and started making it a name calling, foul mouthed nasty brawl. Maybe you should check yourself before you wreck yourself!
On the abortion issue
I can see a woman feeling depressed if she was forced or felt forced into having one and didn't really want one.
It's not an easy choice.
I know I've been there.
I also wasn't raised to believe abortions were wrong quite the opposite.
It's easy to sit on your computer and tell someone what to do and have your arguments when you're not the one going through it.
If you're reading this, OP, I wish you well.
Whatever it is you choose to do. I hope you can find the strength to reach out to someone near you, because you're going to need support.
LOL okay Penny, I haven't heard that stupid saying in over 20 years
FYI
I broke up with my boyfriend. He said he would help me out, but it wab't right.
I've decided not to tell my baby's father. I just don't think it's worth it.
I've moved back in my mom and we're working on our relationship. We hadn't talke really for over a year. She's willing to help.
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