Hi everyone, I have been wondering if being a nanny has somehow altered your decision to have children someday. I love kids and all the charges I have had over the years but when I come home, I am so happy to just be able to relax, do things alone and be totally on my own time! Being a nanny has kind of felt like "renting", meaning I know all about the care and keeping of little ones, I just cannot imagine owning one of my own! I have a fiancee, so it is not because I'm this old cat lady spinster, I just think being a nanny has kind of kidded me out! Anyone out there feel the same? P.S. I love being a nanny. I don't want to see anyone say, "Perhaps this isn't the job for you" because it has nothing to do with that!
45 comments:
I remember being around 12yo and asking my mom: "do I have to have kids?" I knew even at that age I didn't want kids. However, I started babysitting a little later for pocket money, loved being around them, and eventually made a career out of it. Still though, I've remained childless by choice! Some people don't understand why but this is YOUR personal decision and it's nobody elses business! Good luck, OP!
I say it's better to admit you don't want to be a parent than to have a child just because it's what you're "supposed to do".
I won't say I'm kidded it out as in I'd never what kids of my own, but I know that caring for kids isn't all fun & cuteness all the time, something some of friends without kid experience overlook.
I am happily married, happy nanny, and pretty sure we will be kid free at home. Dog and cat though.
I commend your ability to be able to admit that openly, as I do to the PPs. In our society, I know there's a huge pressure on us to procreate. I've been feeling it pretty much my entire adult life. However, unlike you, I've never felt that I wouldn't want to be a mother, even though I'm around children all day long. I do enjoy my childfree evenings, so I can certainly understand where you're coming from.
I totally agree with you! I'm a really good nanny and care about kids, but after being a nanny and how tiring it is and seeing the amount of stress the parents have, I have no desire to have my own kids. It also kind of takes away the magic of having your own baby. Because all babies do the same thing. It is funny when parents I babysit for are so excited to see their kid make a new funny noise or start walking, I have to pretend to be excited ha! After a while it is like, seen that done that! So for me being a nanny has kind of taken the magic out of having my own kids.
I am a nanny that really wants children, but I don't think the two things have to be tied together. I have friends that would never want to be a nanny but love being a parent and friends who are nannies who don't want to have their own children.
I do really want to take a year or two off from being a nanny before I start my own family though. I worry about kiddo burn-out and want all the things I will eventually do with my own child to feel unique and not like something I did last month with someone else's child.
You can appreciate children without wanting your own. You can be good with children without wanting your own. Even though I do very much want children, I hate when people assume I do because I work as a nanny.
I understand what you are saying. Before I was sterile I did consider having children. When my husband and I got my step-son back it was a wonderful eye opener that said I don't want to have my own. My step-son goes to his moms every weekend and its nice. It seems that you are afraid of losing your independence. And you would. If you don't want kids don't have them. Lots of people today will look down on you. Most women can't understand why others wouldn't want to reproduce and have one of their own. I wonder how many women had kids just because of pressure from friends and family and they never really wanted them in the first place.
Being childless is not a selfish decision. You love children and you also get your spare time in your own home without them. Those are precious moments. When you have kids you can't just get up and go out with your man, you can't sleep in, you can't just decide one day to be lazy and sit in front of the TV. They are work. The get sick, they are dirty, and most women (not all) severely screw up their body. I don't see the pros of having a child of my own. So even before I lost the ability to reproduce I decided I didn't want kids. That is probably the biggest reason I didn't mind a hysterectomy... also I no longer get monthly visit from Aunt Flo. My husband loves it, he says I'm not one of those women who get dirty for a few days a month. It is very nice.
Sorry went off on a tangent. The point is I understand exactly where you are coming from. You want to keep your freedom. And you have love to give to other children and you can love yourself too. I read an article written by some woman that said too many women put their children first. You are not supposed to do that. Your child comes third. Yourself is first and your husband is second. The logic behind that is, a woman need to take of herself. She needs to be healthy and love herself. Then she needs to make sure all of her husband’s needs are met. After that the kids. If she doesn't do it in that order her kids can suffer. If the mom doesn't like herself and is not happy she can't make her husband happy. They end up fighting and that hurts the kids.
I think it's good that you are asking yourself this question because it shows your responsibility and that you realize that you don't have to have your own offspring to love a child. Whatever you decide to do make sure it is YOUR choice. Not the pressure to produce grandchildren or to be pregnant at the same time as your best friend, or even have a baby to appease your spouse. You will be the mom and that is your decision only.
also a lot of women look down on me because I don't have my own kids. I tell them I physically can't and they say well you should adopt. There is nothing better that your own child. the only way a woman can be at peace is to have babies. I don't really quite understand that logic.
My husband never wanted kids either. His first wife trapped him. Long story. But he is a good man and he loves his son and takes very good care of him. I asked my husband one day why he never wanted to have kids with me (I didn't care just wondering). He said that kids put a strain on the relationship and he was afraid of losing me. Kids are a lot of work. When you have a child everything shifts. Instead of you and your spouse concentrating on each other their focus moves to the third party. Sometimes (not all) the couple doesn't even interact anymore. Mom is too busy with baby and dad feels like a third wheel.
Just be prepared that if you decide to be childless you may get criticism from other women. In my opinion they are jealous and want to suck you in to motherhood when they know they don't like it.
I'm a career nanny, 27 years old and a single mom. I've always wanted to be a mom. I love my charges as much as I love my son. I'm WAY more attached to my son and have the freedom to raise him how I see fit.
I have friends who choose not to have children and I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
I'm a nanny who has always wanted a child of my own, lots of them. Fell pregnant accidently, had awful pregnancy and birth, have a gorgeous little girl who really did add something special to my life, but I'm scared to have any more. Yes, having 'been there, done that' with other babies did take away a bit of the 'magic', but it also made me a much calmer, relaxed parent who doesn't get overwhelmed at the smallest thing.
I'm the opposite, being a nanny has made me want many children and sooner. I want to be able to give my child all the love I do for my charges plus have full control over how I want to raise them.
Being a Nanny has made me want to adopt. My husband and i are just starting the process! :) china in a year if all works out!
Kudos to your for acknowledging how you feel! I've had similar feelings, but I also know that raising your own children will be completely different than raising someone elses. However, it's obviously your choice and if you don't want little ones after your experiences, that's okay!
Being a nanny has never made me not want kids at all, but it has really opened my eyes to the realities of parenting. When you have a child, their needs come before your own. You don't get sick days, you can't just wake up one day and decide you changed your mind. Children are also expensive and I want to be good and sure I can afford any children I have. I believe that having my own children is the reason I was put on this earth, but this is not my time to have them. Ask me again in 5 years.
I only have one but would have loved to have more kids. Erica is right. Having your own kids is different from raising an employers child.
Let's get real moms!
Former nanny and mom to two speaking.
Kids are a pain in the ass at times your kids or not.
Yes it is different being a mother than caring for another persons kids One major difference is you don't get to leave at the end of the day You are always on-call so to speak.
While you can't really prepare yourself or know what it's like to be a parent until you are one.
I think a wise person can realize the huge responsibility and know if it's something they want.
It's not for everybody and that's okay
Doesn't mean you shouldn't be a nanny and it doesn't mean you are a terrible or selfish person.
Growing up I wanted a big family...then I became a nanny. I agree I get to come home to peace and quiet and do what I want.
Now I don't want any...at least not until my 30's.
Being a nanny has dramatically changed my decision to have kids. I too adore my charges but I also enjoy my home and my freedom.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Before I had my son two years ago, I didn't want to have my own children. I was nannying full time when I accidentally became pregnant. I was so burnt out from my nanny job that I thought- oh no, how am I going to cope with my own child 24/7 a day! I was petrified!!
So flash forward 2 years.... I am so happy!!! My son is so sweet and happy. He gets complimented on his behavior quite a bit (don't get me wrong, he can have his moments...). My mother says I am being blessed by all of the children I have taken care of with "issues" over the years. After I had my son, I was able to quit my 55 hour a week nanny job. The kids had issues because their parents were never home (they chose career and social life over any quality time with their children). I was able to accept a part time position where I am allowed to bring my son. The parents are super normal. The mom is a lawyer 3 long days and is with her children the other, so it is nice and balanced. The children love my son, as he loves them.
Never in a million years would I have thought I would be so happy. I am so less stressed now than I was before.
Now the question is - Can I handle another? It has been great having all of the nanny experience to raise my own, but I can't forget about all of the sibling quarrels with siblings... :)
I just wanted to ad- I think finding a balance is key. Yes, I love my son and I am fortunate to be able to take him to my nanny position... But-I also don't hesitate to send him to a sitter or his grandmothers house for a night. You have to have time for yourself (not to mention, it is good for your kids to have a break from you too).
Being a nanny has not changed my desire to have kids - but it has changed how many I want! I used to want 4+, but now...I would be okay with 1 or 2! :) I am thankful for the time I have had as a nanny as it has given me a great picture of what being a parent is really like. I enjoy my quiet evenings and weekends too! My husband and I are in the adoption process, so we are waiting! :)
I just wanted to add, being a nanny has made me want to be the one to stay home with my kids if I ever become a mother.
I always thought I'd be one to go back right after maternity leave, but if it's possible I think I'd like to be home until they start school.
nannytothree you think your only reason for life is to create offsrping!? Holy cow! What if you have trouble and can't have a baby? Are you going to vanish from the Earth?
i don't think that was a very intelligent statement. And it is really sad. I really hope you don't actually think that.
Hoo boy
I am a mother to three grown children....who decided to work as a Nanny once my children were in high school and beyond.
Honestly, if I had been a Nanny first, I probably would have been too scared to have my own kids. Caring for children (whether or not they are yours) is the toughest job in the world and I really feel for the older parents who try to balance careers and children. This is the demographic that I usually work for and boy..it ain't easy.
Thanks so much for all of the replies!
I knew I couldn't be alone!
Phoenix- Thanks for the honest heartfelt answer. I'm an avid birth control user, so I see where you are coming from. BC has reaped a similar effect on my body and it is great not having to worry about a monthly annoyance!
Lyn-I'm adopted and I think what you're planning to do is awesome! If I was to ever consider children, I would certainly be adopting from China. I have traveled there and it is a beautiful, mysterious land. Good luck to you!
Amy- You made me smile.It is the "on call" aspect that I think bothers me the most!
I have noticed that some do feel very strongly towards motherhood. I had a friend that got pregnant at 16 and her parents forced her to have an abortion. Granted she was not ready to be a parent, but she still dreams of a day when she will have a little one of her own. Needless to say she is also an amazing nanny and is just so natural with her charges. And I think that's fantastic.
Great parents are far and few between and if you can truly make that commitment then I see no problem and the world will thank you for raising a happy, moral and kind little person.
i am childless and own a catering company geared towards kids and families
here is the thing that has made me not want to have kids:
i am constantly having to put out fires and deal with very stressful situations where mothers who work for me cancel, not show up, break their word, flat out lie and feel they have the right and entitlement to do so because " i am a mother/grandmother and you are not"
and it's never for an emergency - it's for reason's such as forgetting a scheduled activity, their husband gets mad having to take care of the kid while they work, the sitter cancels
once i had a mother drop her young kids off at a catering hall expecting me to watch them while i working a job
another time i had a mother bring her 4 kids to the venue - she played with her own kids expecting to get paid for playing with her kids instead of working
i could go on and on
a phenomenon these days is that many men are not working or only part time working while their wife is working a full time job and working part time weekends and then the guy lambasts the wife for being away from the home and kids
i have very very few role models for a happy family, happy kids.
btw - a while back dear abby did a survey asking people who had kids if they would do it again - and a large percentage said....no..it really surprised people at the time
Oh, god Phoenix. lol I cannot freaking believe you sometimes.
the girl thinks SHE was put on earth to have kids. So freaking what? A million other people, Catholic, or whatever, think that. It is her opinion. nanny of three is entitled to her opinion.
Are you serious?
To OP: I totally understand what you are saying. I think childcare is the greatest form of birth control. Good for you. There are too many little idiots in the world.
Yes there are far too many idiots in this world it's too bad certain the parents of certain posters didn't consider being child free before inflicting the world with their spawn.
1234, I could not agree more. Well said.
Oh wow, I could have written this myself!! I totally understand what you are saying! I have completely adored so many children in my life, but the thought of having one of my own scares me. The fact that I am probably getting close to being too old to conceive doesn't scare me. It doesn't matter. Is that unusual?
I was wondering just the other day how so many people have kids, yet it should be the absolute most important decision of your life. IT seems like so many peole have kids because that is what is expected, not because they really have a desire to be a parent.
I feel that unless I was completely emotionally, physically, and financially ready to give a child a fantastic life, I have no right to bring one into this world. So many people give birth to children in hopeless situations, where the only thing that awaits these children is misery. Yet we continue to procreate. This makes me wonder if I have missed out on some biological instinct, the 'clock' that most women feel.
I sometimes think that in my 50s I might adopt a troubled teen. The chance to improve someone's life, rather than bring them to life, appeals to me greatly. I have always had great respect for adoptive parents, they give children a chance where they would have had none.
Your post is one of the few that made PERFECT sense to me.
I totally understand. I was a nanny for 7 years, beginning in my early twenties. I always wanted children of my own, but as my tenure as a nanny became longer, my desire for my own children became smaller.
I am now 33, and still childless. I am happy. I do not feel as though i have missed out on anything, to the contrary, i have experienced raising children first hand. I was there for all of the firsts, the school plays, stomach bugs, and skinned knees. I loved every second of it.........
But i also love my life now, sans kids. I have spent the last 5 years enjoying activities i would never have been able to do with little ones. Scuba diving, traving, etc. My husband and i feel very much like happy empty nesters, but we are still young enough to enjoy our youth, and, if i someday feel the need to have children of my own, god willing, have them.
Being a great nanny does not mean you have to ever have any children of your own. Your charges can often times give you all the fulfillment you need in that area of your life. :)
I've been a nanny for about 9 years now and I feel the complete opposite (although when I first started the renting thing totally was how I thought about it!)
I am 100% ready to be giving the time and energy and love to my own kiddos that I give to my charges. I want to be the one they run to while yelling mama!
yes SHE thinks she is only on the Earth to have kids. And that means she may not value herself any more important than a rabbit (who breeds) She could have said her comment a little better. like "I feel that I would be great mom and do my best to teach my children the value of life and how to be successful. Instead she said "I believe that having my own children is the reason I was put on this earth"
Makes her sound like an animal. I don't know if people realize that EVERY species on this Earth reproduces and it doesn't make it special in any way. It is not a miracle. people may think that little Timmy or Sally are miracles but they are no more important than any other child. This is why we have the "trophy kids" The parents think they and their kids are entitled to something when they are not.
If we only had 10 women left on the planet then that would mean her existence is based on having children because it is to ensure the race will survive. At that point it is necessary, but saying that now is ignorant.
You must be able to something else too, right? If the only skill a woman possesses it to have children that is very sad. If you are only good for that reason then you should just be put out to pasture and wait to screw and have a baby. It was a very ignorant statement. It is possible that she didn't mean it that way but that is how her comment was perceived.
It wasn't a smart statement.
Rocky Mountain Nanny, I absolutely loved what you said "The chance to improve someone's life, rather than bring them to life" I hope you don't mind if i steal it. :)
OP: I completely understand where you are coming from. I also love being able to come home to a clean house and be able to do whatever I want. I love kids and I love what i do, but I also love the freedom of not having kids of my own, at least for right now.
I don't care how I sound when I say that I feel that I was also put on this earth to be a mother. That doesn't mean that I am just going to sit on my butt and wait for it to happen because obviously that is not what's happening. I really look forward to the day that I am ready to be a mom (emotionally and financially) but in the meantime I am doing all the things that I was also put on this earth to do. I am by no means religious in any way and I am not planning on popping out 20 kids. I also do not plan to be a stay at home mom either so it's clear that my children won't be my whole life.
Phoenix, I think your "argument" is not valid.
the best part about having children is making them
wink wink
it is a valid argument. I guess if you want to go to the literal meaning of the human species then yes, ALL women are here to have kids and keep the population going. But does that mean you will be ok with your husband screwing everything he can. That is how males contribute to the human population. They spread their seed.
Just because you WANT a child. Does not mean you should have one. Also people are not here just to have kids. That is almost like saying you want to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.
And if you are doing other things besides waiting for the time to get knocked up, then you obviously have other talents besides popping out babies. That was my point. A woman is not here just to reproduce unless you would like to go back to the level of animals. Which I feel people are more like animals than they realize.
People are born into this world to learn and experience new things. There are many many reasons why we are put on Earth and just having babies isn't the only one.
Stupidity at its best
Phoenix-- your opinion is so cynical. Every child, every birth IS a miracle. When a baby is born, you've created a life, something that didn't exist before that moment. This is how I know that you're not a mother. There is nothing more empowering than giving someone life. It was a miracle, each and every time I gave birth.
Are my children coddled? Hell no. Do I believe that they are the only miracles to ever appear on this earth? Hell no. Are there days when I would give anything for five minutes peace? Most definitely. But I am a mother. It is the hardest, yet most rewarding thing that I have ever done.
And yes, giving birth is among the most disgusting processes in the world, but the end is so worth it- in the end, I held my child. Watch a baby be born and then tell me it's not a miracle.
Phoenix loves to argue for the sake of arguing. Seriously. That's just the bottom line truth. I don't know why anyone feeds into her, instead of ignoring her. If you read the things that she posts about her personal life, you would know that she is trash. It's like standing in the kitchen, arguing with your garbage can. Silly, right?
I've never had any interest in having or raising children. Being a nanny made me think that maybe having a kid would be fun... provided I could afford to hire my own nanny! But I also didn't want to be pregnant, so I guess I'd have to get a surrogate, and now we're just making a list of things that won't happen unless I win the lottery.
So yeah, no kids for me.
I totally respect people who decide that they don't want kids, I think that it is better to be open and comfortable about it than feel pressured into having children 'because its the done thing to do' No-one is any less a person because they have kids and any more special because they do! I know people who should never have had kids and admit they they shouldn't have and ignore their kids - that's sad :(
But this post did get me to thinking, and yesterday I realise that the best part about being a mommy is being there for EVERYTHING! When I'm a nanny I d things with my charges and I often don't get to see the results. With my daughter I can see my hard work paying off in front of my eyes. I love it! BUT I also know that before I had my baby girl, my charges filled my heart in a very similar way and honestly if I did not have children yet, I would be very fulfilled in my job as a nanny, being a mom is just an added bonus. The main difference is that I get to do whatever I feel like with regards to parenting my daughter so it is much easier for me than nannying.
I worked at a daycare before becoming a nanny (I've only been in the childcare industry for a total of 2 years now). I used to want kids right away! I had a couple pregnancy scares but I was always a little disappointed when the tests came out negative. Well now that I've been working with kids, I still want them, but not for awhile! I've been "Kidded" out too! I definitely want my own someday, but not until I've been married a couple years first. I don't want to share my man just yet! =] I'm only 24 so I've got time..
I'm so glad someone besides me feels that way about Phoenix. It really validates my opinion of her.
And yes, it is obvious that she is not a mother. And should never be.
I also have a lot of respect for people that decide to not have children, for whatever reason. I know many mothers and fathers that, in my opinion, should not be parents. Raising a child/children is hard work and if you aren't in it for the long haul then just don't do it!
I am not a nanny anymore but I do work with kids and still babysit a lot so I am constantly reminded of how much freedom I have since I don't have kids of my own. You don't realize how easy it is to run into a store, throw in a load of laundry, or even go to the bathroom until you have children around that demand your attention 24/7! I want kids of my own but definitely not right now. I enjoy my sleep way too much and am not financially ready to support a child.
Thanks utnanny! Steal it anytime :)
For me, being a nanny made me want to be a mommy even more - when I moved and had to change nanny jobs, it tore my heart out, and I longed for the day I could love a child of my own forever and never have to move on! But everyone is different, and if you are happy loving other people's kids, that's totally awesome, too! Only you can choose what is the best path for your life - not anybody else.
And who knows, maybe 5 or 10 years from now, you might feel differently, too. Sometimes
we change our life goals as we age. I know I want a different career than I did 10 years ago!
Either way, I know being a nanny makes you a better person, wherever your life's adventures lead you! :)
Post a Comment