Hi, I assume this would be the best venue to ask for advice. I’m a mother of three cute, well behaved and trouble loving boys, the oldest is 3 and the youngest, who are twins, are almost 18 months old. Before I had children, I was a part time babysitter in college and was a nanny full time for three years after college before moving on as a coordinator for a non-profit youth organization. When we found Amy *(fake name), our nanny, she was well qualified, sweet, cpr and first aid trained. She worked for us for almost a year and a half. As a working mom, I recently decided to cut my hours and work part time to spend more time with my children. Amy, around the same time, expressed interest in taking college classes. So we made a deal that she could go to her classes and during those hours I will be with the boys, and she could make up her hours when possible.Two weeks ago, I decided indoor play was boring me and the boys, so we went to a nearby café that after work I used to see many women whom I assume were nannies and mothers alike sitting out front with their children. I thought it would be perfect to get snacks for my boys and then head off to the park. I had my oldest holding my hand and the twins in their stroller. As I looked up at the menu, as usual the oldest gets really excited to see other children, runs off to the back of the café. I then yelled his name as he began to get too far from me and pointed to the ground next to me and said, here! Right now!, and then said Thank You to him when he returned. I then noticed that the cashier and many of the patrons where looking at me. I was confused and first thought that I yelled at him to loud. All of a sudden a women came up to me and said, you have no right to yell at James *(not his real name used), I looked at her and all I could say was, what? She then replied and said James’ mother doesn’t yell at him, your scaring him, and I laughed and said, Do I know you? and she looked serious and I stopped smiling and asked her, what was the problem? And she said, Your being inappropriate with your charges and Amy wouldn’t appreciate your behavior.
I then began to get the emerging picture of what was going on. These women didn’t believe I was their mother. I understood where she may have been mistaken, I’m west Indian, I have the dark Caribbean skin and the long bone straight hair of my Indian ancestors, my sons looked like their father, green eyes, blonde hair, and white skin. So I replied that I was their mother and I gave birth to them and that Amy was the boys nanny. Another women came up and said that Amy has came to this café several times for many months and she has identified my babies as her children and that Matt Jones *(fake name) was the boys father. I told her yes, that Matt Jones* was the father but I am their mother and that Amy was lying.
The boys began to get agitated and we left with many people looking at us as we left. Now every time I go pass the café to get the park, these women point and whisper at me. When I got home I called Amy right away and she said she had no idea what I was talking about and said she was in class and would call me back. The next day she said she was leaving for another job and wanted me to mail her pay check to her. In our contract, which was created by the agency she came from and signed, it says I can withhold the check due to misbehavior on the part of the nanny. When I told this to Amy, she said she did nothing wrong and she would sue me for the check. Should I go and give her what she wants and get on with my life or should I withhold everything and maybe sue. If I was to sue it would be for slander and possibly some sort of identity theft. What would be the right way to handle this?
29 comments:
Haha, wow.. that's really creepy.
I'm sorry I don't know anything about legal stuff, and I'm not going to pretend to do, but that's such an awkward situation. Talk about living in a fantasy world.
I'd have a heart attack if a future nanny or caregiver of mine pretended to be the mother of my son. Ick.
Good luck.
Ummm... a contract that said you could withhold pay for misbehavior on the part of the nanny. No freaking way. I don't buy it. If such a clause did exist in the nanny contract, no reputable agency would ever make such a random and bogus stipulation and no sane nanny would ever sign it!
No way!
I don't think it is identity theft if all she did was tell some mother's in a coffee house that she was the mom and not the nanny
Oy, this sure is an odd situation to be in. What she did was not right at all, however, I would assume at this point, she knows that. She is up and leaving her job with you to another (whether true or not - not sure).
Personally, I would just give her the check and move on. I would explain that you know what she did, that you disagree with her lying, etc. There are plenty of willing and able nannies to look after your children ... that will not lie in those ways.
Legally, I'm not sure what could happen. I don't believe that you could sue her or get her into trouble using the 'identity theft' title. I believe it would have to be more than telling a few people at the shop that she were their mother.
Good luck in whatever you choose to do.
While I agree this is DEFINITELY creepy and grounds for termination of employment, I do not think this will hold up in court as "identity theft". Also if she worked said hours, you should pay her for those hours and then cut all ties with her.
Anon 11:02-I agree with you. I am a nanny and when I worked for my first family, I would ALWAYS make sure people knew that I was the nanny. Now, 3 families later, I do not always come out and say "I'm the nanny" to avoid questions like the ones you mentioned. I live in Southeast Virginia and nannies aren't very common here so people are naturally interested in the concept. They always ask the same questions about my salary, the parents, and the children and it gets old. That being said, there is a HUGE difference in telling people you see everyday that you are their mother. That's just sick.
Pay what you owe. Do not give her a sterling recommendation if asked. You owe it, her misbehavior is not such that a clause like that would be considered violated. Misbehavior is for leaving the kids alone by the pool for several hours, finding her getting done by her boyfriend on the couch when she should be watching the kids, getting drunk on job or showing up to the job drunk, stealing or actually ID theft, granted she misrepresented herself. But that will bite back on her. Karma and all that. Speaking of Karma: If you hire another Nanny, show up at the place and treat the Nanny for a coffee/tea/chocolate/her choice of drink and a snack. Chat with her and all the other women will suddenly realize what is what. Then if your old nanny shows up there......
Speaking of which, they may already know what is what once they start comparing notes and realize you are the actual Mom. In which case your being pointed at and they are saying that poor woman she had a nanny who was nuts. TO bad you did not shwo your ID to some of the nosy wmoen.
Grr I added a last sentance and mucked it all up. Sigh spell check spell check!
"To bad you did not show your ID to some of the nosy women."
Geez, send her last paycheck and move on with your life. Do you really have so much spare time that you'd consider wasting it on stuff like this? Stress just mucks up your mental and physical health, put it behind you as soon as possible.
CD thinks about sex a lot! lol
Pay the crazy nanny her money, she earned it. As for the recommendation, I seriously doubt she will be using you as a reference anyway.
Good luck on your next nanny.
Wow! I've officially heard it all!
I'm with Jane. This sounds hoakie. No one would write a contract that said that and if they did, no one would sign it. Someone is trying to be cute with some BS situation.
I agree with Jane, too. If that were a clause in a contract, I wouldn't sign it. And if it really WAS real, then it probably means if the nanny was abusing your children, drunk on the job, or anything else Curious Dad mentioned. At least, that's how I would read it.
It's creepy, but pay up. She has every right to sue you, and you'd lose terribly.
Since I'm the same race as my charges (even though we don't look a thing alike) people are always assuming I'm the mom. So when people ask me if they're mine, I say "well, they're mine 'til 6pm. Then I give 'em back to Mom and Dad." It usually gets a laugh. I admit, when I started, I accidentally gave a woman the wrong idea, and she thought I was the mom. She asked if the baby looks like her father (which she does, she doesn't look a thing like her mom) and I said yes. I ended up talking to the woman for about a half hour before I realized I gave her the wrong idea. What can I say, I wasn't on the ball that day. When my older charges called me by my first name, the woman looked at me funny. I realized what a dingbat I had been and apologized if I confused her, and that I was the nanny.
Obviously this woman has been doing this on purpose. I don't agree with what she did, and I'd fire her if she hadn't already quit. But give the woman her money.
There is never, ever an excuse to withold pay. It is simply illegal. Even if someone steals from you and you can prove they did, You must pay a person for the hours worked and then sue them in court and/or press charges for recovery of goods or money The bottom line is, if she worked those hours and did her job, you owe her the money.
This is not identity theft. It is unethical if she blatantlty lied and maybe a bit creepy but she didn't use your name for her own personal gain. Also you have no proof that she acutally lied or that this was a case assumption on this woman's part that the nanny simply did not bother to correct. Are these women willing to testify for you in a court of law as to what she told them and when? Unlikely, but even if they were, you would likely still have to pay up.
Pay her an move on.
Pay her. Be very careful when it comes to giving references - say nothing she could sue YOU for, and remember that sometimes what you DON'T say speaks volumes.
When you go back to the cafe, if anyone says anything about you being the nanny, you could say something like, "Actually, I am the mom. I was there when they were born, and MAN did it hurt when they came out - I wouldn't get confused about that!"
The talk of a clause with a behavior contract where the nanny can be financially penalized is so bogus that it makes this whole post blatantly false and a work of fiction. Why are you people even responding legitimately to this?
I foresee this posting being cited in every upcoming nanny sighting- "but how do you KNOW she was the nanny? Remember that time..."
I think you have to pay her, though. She was taking care of your children (and apparently in a very loving manner), so I would just move on.
You can't withhold pay for this. She'd probably sue you and win. It's not identity theft, she didn't claim to be you, just the mother of your children, and in the end it did no harm to you or your children. Pay up and move on.
I also think this case brings up a good point, mom's should take their children to places where the nanny takes them and interact with the regulars there. It would give you a good idea of what your nanny is like when you're not around.
Chgonanny- I have the same problem. My charges actually look quite a bit like me (weird coincidence) and people assume I'm the mom. And while I don't try to pretend to be, there have been several misunderstandings. (One where people assumed their mom was Grandma when she showed up with them at the pool instead of me) I now always make sure people know.
This is NOT identity theft.
just my opinion said...
"CD thinks about sex a lot! lol"
What? Just cause I am a guy? Your statement has no basis from prior written accounts of mine.
It is however correct.
I like you CD. What a shame you are married. :)
OP, I think you're reacting with your emotions rather than logic. Of course you have to pay her. This wasn't even really misconduct, you don't know for a fact she was actually telling people she is your kids' mother. It could have been a huge misunderstanding, though it is very fishy that she suddenly up and quit. In my former job, everyone always thought I was the mother because the children look very much like me and nothing like their parents. (they were adopted) I didn't tell everyone we came across that I am their nanny because it isn't anyone's business. If someone directly asked me, of course I would tell them but for the most part I let people think whatever they wanted to. And, for the record, whenever we were all out in public, the mother would joke around that I look like the parent and she looks like she could be the nanny.
ChiNanny, I'm glad I'm not the only one.
CD, you are hilarious! I always love your posts.
ChiNanny:
Oh man that would be rough; being mistaken for the Grandma when you're actually the Mom!! LOL!
What a creepster. Anyway, she did the job so you have to pay her. Just get rid of her as soon as possible. And don't worry about those ladies, who cares what they think? What are they going to do? call the cops on you for raising your voice to the children?
I also think this post is bogus. If the nanny spent enough time at this cafe for the moms to know her name, they would have noticed that "James" called her by her name, rather than mommy. That is what usually tips people off that I'm not the mom.
slander? identity theft? just send her the money she's owed.
yeah, she's a whacko... but let it go.
This is definitely NOT a reason to withhold pay. Yeah, it's a little strange. But #1) It's not "misbehavior" if thats really what the contract says and #2) You don't know if she definitely told these people that she's the mother--maybe they misunderstood her or they assumed. She worked for you, well, I am assuming, she should get the money she worked for. Stop being a baby and move on with your life.
When I was a nanny alot of people would say, "oh your children are so cute" I always chimed in and told them I was there Nanny!
I would never dream of telling people the children I nannied were My own kids!
as far as the money thing, it sounds like she might be trying to scare you into getting the check. I don't know if she would actually sue you. Honestly i wouldn't give the check. She lied to you and you had found out from complete strangers that she lies!
I used to nanny for 4 children, each more beautiful than the next. Strangers would always say things like, "He is so handsome" or "they are so beautiful" and I would answer without thinking and say things like, "I know, and I see them all the time and am still blown away by their beauty on a daily basis". Then said stranger would look at me like I was completely rude mother and I would say, "Oh, yeah, they're not mine. I'm the nanny".
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