Received Thursday, November 20, 2008. - Perspective & Opinion
I am wrestling with an issue that is none of my business. As I share this with you, I realize it is none of my business but each and every time it comes up, it bothers me. My nanny has two boys, age 4 & 8. I see them on the average once a week. Over the past 10 months of employment, I have given her enough clothing to clothe both boys 10 times over. The clothes I am providing come from department stores such as Nordstroms and Bloomingdales. Every time I see the boys, they are dressed like little rap stars in FUBU and SOUTH POLE and Baby Phat.
This part, I have no problem with, except that my nanny is continuously bitching and moaning about her finances and having enough money or borrowing money from next week's paycheck. Her nails are always done and she dresses in designer labels too.
I think I am the only employer who's nanny carries a Yves St Laurent bag.
Just once, I want to call her out on the fact that her boys never wear the high quality, like new clothing I have given her. Just once, I want to suggest she put $25 in her savings or God forbid, a savings account for her children.
My nanny showed up today wearing prada boots. Prada boots! We do well now but there was a time when my husband was in med school that we struggled and scrimped and SAVED for this day.
Look, the truth is she is a good nanny. What I need to hear is an explanation so I can understand and get passed this.
59 comments:
When it comes down to it, the way people spend their money is their own business. While this woman appears to have some major issues with managing her finances, it really is none of your business. My advice is to bite your lip, as tough as it may be.
She could be wearing the fake versions of all the brands you mentioned. Every ghetto person in this town carries a fake Coach.
Still, NOT YOUR BUSINESS.
I disagree that this isn't your business, your nanny has made it your business by complaining to you. So, I don't think you should beat yourself up about your feelings on this issue.
As for saying something to your nanny . . . that gets a lot more tricky. I can't really think of a way you can approach it w/o her getting offended. You should, however, feel completely justified in giving those clothes to someone who appreciates them & you don't need to feel guilty about her finances if you're paying her competitive wages.
Anonymous said...
Explination is, to each their own. If you are confident that she is a good nanny, that your children are safe and well taken care of, and your concerns surround her financial choices, perhaps you can bring it to her attention that you don't share your financial information with her, so you choose not to be involved with hers. This will eliminate her sharing her financial problems with you, confirming that it really isn't any of your business!
2:23 PM
RE-POST FOR ANONYMOUS!
PLEASE don't forget to pick a MONIKER!!
Anonymous said...
she can choose how she spends her money.......
2:28 PM
RE-POST FOR ANOTHER ANONYMOUS!
PLEASE PICK A MONIKER!
I agree that her purse and boots could be fakes and the brands the boys wear are sold at Marshal's and TJ Max I believe so she could just be a really good bargain shopper. I wouldn't feel too bad that her boys don't wear the clothes you give them, it just may not be their style, you know how kids are. The 4 year old I watch has beautiful clothes but all he will wear are character t-shirts from Target:)
I agree witih 2:28. When she complains to you, tell her exactly that. If she continues to complain, tell her how you feel. You are entitled to do that because she is the one bringing the matter up. I would also recommend that you stop allowing her to borrow from the next week's paycheck because you are just enabling her. Other than that, I just have to recommend that you MYOB. Definitely don't be the one to bring it up.
I agree with Emily. It wouldn't be the employers business. Except the fact the nanny is making it part of her business. She shouldn't be crying to her about money, etc. Asking to borrow money, from next weeks check. Who really does that? When I worked in an office, we could never do something like that.
Maybe, she buys all these things with credit cards. Who knows. Maybe, stolen property.
And I always wonder too when I see women that say they are struggling, with beautiful clothes, nails done, and makeup on. I can't even afford to buy anything. Not even to get a haircut. Not even a tube of lipstick.
I can't even afford to put my child in a little class. It sure makes you feel like a terrible mother. When you don't have the resources to do anything.
Oops, I meant I agree with 2:23.
Many poor people are poor partially because they have zero money management skills. Is it your job to educate your employees and share your ideas on how to live within their means? Probably not.
she steals them
Amen BayAreaMom.
The people I know that carry around designer bags and wear the newest Chanel flats and always have the most impeccable highlights in their hair, are usually the ones who CAN'T afford it and end up living well beyond their means. They whine about their financial woes to anyone who is unfortunate enough to lend an ear, while their young children are running around in 1 of 3 pairs of Uggs and a Juicy Couture track suit. It's ridiculous, but it really ISN'T your place as an employer to lecture her or offer advice, no matter how often she complains about it.
(Unless of course she's open for advice. If that's the case, lecture away!)
I will mention, I agree with others on the topic of the kids not wearing the clothes you have been kind enough to give them...they want to wear what they want to wear, especially when it comes to youth culture and fitting in. You mentioned they dress like "little rappers" or whatever it was you said? That's their look...I'm sure it's nothing personal towards your generosity.
She gets to decide how to spend her money.
You get to decide whether to employ a financially irresponsible person or not.
I know I wouldn't want her teaching my kids anything about life but your mileage may vary.
P.S. When you give someone a gift, it's rude to dictate the future of said gift.
Who you choose to give things to is also entirely up to you.
Perhaps she sells the clothing you give her children and buys stuff at designer discount stores. Who knows, is it really any of your business?
Perhaps start giving your department store clothing to children who really need it. Children whose parents can't afford to buy things for themselves or their kids- not to mention designer boots and purses.
I would simply do the following because it would bother me too:
1. Stop giving her kids clothing- find a big brother and sister program or a charity and give it to the kids who need things.
2. Tell your nanny you are no longer giving her money in advance- what if she just dissapears and she had an advance? Not smart. It's one paycheck per week and that's it. Recommend to her to use her xmas bonus perhaps and to put it in an emergency fund and to replenish it with her weekly paycheck when she overdraws on it. That's it. No one asks for money in advance. It's unprofessional and rude. This might also help her control her spending and be a blessing in disguise.
3. This might be drastic but watch your credit cards etc. Is sounds like she has a problem with shopping and managing her funds. This can lead to bad things- theft, dishonesty etc
4. Then stop getting involved. You are not doing anything that is enabling it once you take these steps. She's just an employer and you are paying her.
I can't tell if you are concerned for your nanny and her apparent spendthrift ways, or if you are annoyed that the clothes you give her are not being worn from what you are able to tell.
Regardless, you risk alienating her if you comment on her financial and sartorial choices. That said, if you feel you must say something, try:
"Nanny, I want to make sure your boys are getting use out of the clothes I give you for them. I don't want to be giving you things you can't use or that they will not wear. Do you want me to keep giving those clothes to you, or should I send them elsewhere?"
"Nanny, I know you are aware that everyone is being much more careful with their money these days, and I am no different. I cannot continue to advance you money against your salary. I wanted to let you know so that you could beging to budget accordingly."
I do my own nails, a concept that seems foreign now days. I have a designer bag I found in perfect condition in my favorite thrift shop. I also receive gifts from my family. I hope my employer doesn't think I am living extravagantly beyond my means!
I agree that you need to tell her the salary advances cannot continue. If she is selling the clothes you give her, for money to buy her boys the clothes they want, they are still benefiting from them. It isn't as if she is spending it on herself and the kids are in rags.
janet enaglish you never cease to amaze me. Yes,now the nanny is a theif and the op needs to watch her CC carefully.
You need to be careful about implying such things. Just because a domestic worker manages money poorly or even asks for advances on their paycheck does not mean she/he is a theif!
Predictable and pathetic,as always.
Further more,your remark
"she is just an employee" really says all we need to know about you,now doesn't it.
You really are something lady**** but I won't say what!!
Chick good post.
I never said she is a thief. I merely stated that a good person, that I'm sure she is- who might be in financial trouble whether it is for shopping or if a person had a drug problem can lead to poor judgement. That is a fact. If you need money for your addiction, whatever kind it is, people tend to take things. I'm not saying she is.
What I meant by she is just an employee is that you can only do and say so much to her- she's not a spouse or family who you can approach in a dif manner. And yes she is an employee. So over analize the life out of my post. Twist it to your way of thinking as much as you like.
I meant nothing mean.
Go flame somewhere else.
I wouldn't dress my step-son in those clothes either! course I don't think he would look good dressed up like a preppy white boy. His mother dresses him like a vato and his dad doesn't say anything,
Her kids might not want to wear the clothes so stop giving them to her, and you can't dictate what she does with them once they are in her hands.
And if the complaining bothers you tell her to stop, or tell her that she can't be borrowing from next weeks pay check because it messes up your financial periods. I guess that would work.
I love the book "total money makeover" by Dave Ramsey. I would buy it for her and say "hey, since you were telling me you were having money troubles and had to borrow last week, I bought you this book. I hope it helps!" That way you are not telling her what to do but giving her the means to do it.
Janet English and Chick, good posts.
I would tell her exactly what Chick wroto about the advances on her salary. That sounds reasonable and completely non-offensive and non-judgmental.
I would also just stop giving her the clothes, but not ask her first if she still wants them. She may be selling them, and, if I were you I would personally rather see such nice things go directly to kids who may never have a chance to ever have things that nice if not for generous donors like you.
This rings a beell, as my husbands old secretary used to call me at home (mind you, I barely knew her) to bitch about how she had an $800.00 dental procedure she needed but couldn't afford...hint, hint. Or once that the company had accidentally given her double the money she was entitled to for her Christmas bonus, realized their error and wanted the money back, but she had already spent it on Christmas for her two kids....hint, hint. And it was hundreds of dollars extra...far more than I would ever have thought of spending on my own small children for Christmas, and we could have afforded it. That was the first incident, and, not knowing any better, we gave her the extra money as a Christmas present from us. (That was a big mistake because it started the greedy ball in motion. But as she started calling and calling (I stopped giving her money, by the way) she mentioned things like how hard it was to get by when her son insisted on having $100.00 shirts and $100.00 sneakers (this was a while back ,when that was actually outrageous), or how she was struggling because they had just lost hundreds of dollars gambling at Bossier City, or (and this was the one that did it for me) how her husband worked construction, which apparently left him unemployed for months at a stretch in the cold and very hot seasons. That's when a river of unsolicited advice burts forth, uncontrolled, from my lips. I told her that it was OK to say no to her son...or make him get a job. That I say no to mine all the time for outrageous stuff like that...and I could actually afford it...and so far, none of them had exploded from wearing decently priced clothing...or working in the yard for an afternoon to make up the cost difference between what they want and what is reasonable. Kids don't have to have that stuff...especially if it means not eating, not having dental work, or not eating. I told her that seasonal jobs are abundant, and that her husband might think of taking one if a few hundred dollars was going to make the difference in them having Christmas or not, going to the dentist or not, or eating. And the gambling...I figured that she was poor for a reason. That's what somebody said above and sometimes its so true.
Janet,I just read your post again,to be fair and yes,you did imply theft. I am not flaming. Just stating the facts,those being*** you accussed someone based on a post stating she does not manage money well of future theft.You should not have done that. And I am sorry,but someone who watches over your children,the most precious people in your life,who is in your home and who you trust with all that is important to you,should be considered MORE than JUST an employee and should be someone you care about,especially after almost a year.
Just because someone manages money poorly does not mean they will resort to theft!
At one time I was as poor as a church mouse with little mouths to feed and never did I dream of taking anything from my wealthy employer or her big 6,000 foot mansion!!
Quit giving her clothes if she doesn't use them.. then mind your own business, and DO NOT enable her by letting her borrow from next week's pay.
K you are clearly not grasping what I said.
For the last time: I didn't say she steals. I said be careful when being around people who have financial irresponcibility. It COULD statisticly proven lead to problems. And as I said: drastic.
And an employee is an employee no matter how much you love that person or care for them. Honest advice is not always appreciated by someone with such a young relationship.
I really can't explain things simpler than that.
Good luck with that. And thanks so much for your kind, kind words.
The children's clothes brands that you mentioned can all be purchased at stores such as T.J. Maxx, Ross, and I suppose Marshall's. An entire Fubu outfit for a little boy will set you back 10-20 bucks max. You can also buy high-end designer purses at T.J. Maxx for under $100 dollars, bags that cost 3-600 in department stores, so really maybe YOU are paying too much, but I assure you she is likely getting these items at bargain prices. Is she the only "poor person" you know?, because many, many a low-income family dresses in these exact brands.
Yeah, brands tell you nothing. I am very impressed with the people I know who manage to always look VERY nice even though they actually *aren't* spending a lot of dough on clothes and upkeep. People who are very organized and who know where and when to shop, can look like they paid 5-10x more for their clothing than they actually did.
I'm kind of the opposite. NO sense for bargains. I buy stuff that looks like I paid LESS for it than I did! You'd never guess how much money I waste on clothes, to look at me. :) OK, I'm exaggerating a bit, but seriously you just can't tell how much money people spend on clothes by how good they look in them, how many they have, and the brands. Any and all brands can be found at deep, deep discount if you know where to look.
And, to many people it is very important to their self-esteem that they look really put together in "the right brands" every day, and their kids too. It's not my thing but I don't begrudge anyone else their clotheshorsiness.
You don't have to enable her, though. I wouldn't let giving her advances on her checks become a habit, although in an emergency it is fabulous that you are willing to do this. You sound like a great employer. :)
Give your nice used clothing to someone else, btw, or to Goodwill. There are tons of people out there who would be thrilled to have good quality department store clothes for their kids and who wouldn't be as picky about the styles as your nanny. But I wouldn't hold it against her that she prefers other stuff for her kids.
I agree with a lot of what has been said. You sound like you care about your nanny. I would not say anything about the kids' clothes, though. What she does with your old clothes is no business of yours, but you might stop giving them to her if it bothers you. I also think it is normal to care about your employee making good financial choices, and your nanny may require some advice in this area, but you really need to be tactful. I liked the Christmas bonus suggestion. Refusing to give her money in advance might also be a good starting point for an open talk. As for the money she is spending on herself, I agree that it is hard to tell, but I find it sad that grown-up people have to rely on so-called luxury brands to feel better about themselves.
You don't have to loan her money out of her next week's pay every time she asks.
The next time she she asks to borrow from next week's pay, give it to her, but inform her this will be the last time you will do this as it's becoming a habit and not one you wish to encourage.
Professional people, nannies or otherwise, don;t constantly seek pay advances.
Good luck.
You can find all the designers you named at off price stores like TJ Maxx, Marshall's and the like.
I have purchased some awfully good looking "Prada" shoes at flea markets for 25 bucks. When compared to my employer's real ones, we couldn't tell the difference! (We had a great laugh over it and my employer got the name and location of the Flea Market from me!)
Also, being in a high end area, the Good Will shops and thrift stores often get quality, name brand merchandise with tags still on them! Especially in children's items. Many mothers, including myself, simply get more clothing then their children wear and so we donate them.
My friend has a sister in the Caribbean and her kids are dressed head to toe in Nordstrom clothing because I happened to mention to my employer that I send gently used items to them and now she does as well!
So you see, there can be a variety of reasons how she manages to dress herself and her kids the way she does.
I carry a Coach bag that I won at my church's tricky tray. No way I could have afforded to buy it.
And I have to agree with Metronanny. She's not very professional if she's always asking for advanced pay. Put your foot down on that one now.
I find it very sad that anyone would post on this blog in support of the purchase of counterfeit designer items.
This blog is about concern for children, yes? Well guess what, when you purchase a counterfeit designer item, you are supporting child labor as well as funding terrorist activities.
Don't believe me? Look it up.
I don't know that anyone is promoting fakes, I think they're just saying they are out there
Perhaps the nanny thinks she has to dress in that designer stuff to "fit it" with the family she takes care of. Perhaps she feels like less of a person if she dresses in cheaper stuff. But then that dips into her just being self conscious -which is a deeper issue then her just dipping into her wallet to purchase these pricy things. I don't know. Like others said it could be knock off stuff. Just a thought.
Hmmmmmm.....very interesting. That would drive me nuts too. I mean, if she wasn't complaining about money being tight, then it's really none of your business-but, seeing as how she does complain, it sort of makes it your business. Oh well, not really anything you can do about it I guess.
The outfit my son wore today adds up to over $500 (Jacket, 2 shirts, jeans, shoes)- I got the jacket after retuning gifts someone bought me I didn't like- jacket was on sale, one shirt at a huge sale, the designer jeans and one designer shirt like new at Goodwill and the shoes on sale- total cost to me? $70. My son is the best dressed kid around and 75% of what he wears is from thrift stores. I carry designer bags (knock off you would NEVER know) and a few that were expensive gifts. I wear expensive perfume and have fun little extras- also gifts. I buy a lot on sale and things that LOOK like they cost a lot but don't. People think I have lots of money but I don't. My car- I saved $ for 5 years to buy it in cash. I vacation because I work my ass off. My haircuts? They are $90 and $180 with a highlight- though I only do it 3-4x a year and one of those times is with a gift certificate from my Bday.
There ARE times when I live paycheck to paycheck. There are times when I make more than my employers (I have SEVERAL jobs). I had several thousand in the bank and then had a medical crisis (with no insurance due to my employers not offering any and a pre-existing condition that would make self pay outrageous) and my savings were eaten up within 3 weeks. I asked to be paid early for the following week. I wonder what my employer thought? Screw her- I don't care?
and P.S. if you are going to tell your nanny that you refuse to advance her pay ever again then be prepared to NEVER be late or ask ANY favor beyond her normal duties as she will likely say no.
and I would just stop giving her clothes. Simple as that!
You have children and you DON'T have health insurance? And you blame your employer for your lack of health insurance? That's disgusting! Find new employers for pete's sake, you're supposed to be the responsible person in your kids lives.
"I don't know that anyone is promoting fakes, I think they're just saying they are out there"
I didn't use the word "promote." I used the word "support" and my comment was based on the following comment which is obviously clearly supporting the purchase of counterfeit designer items:
"I have purchased some awfully good looking "Prada" shoes at flea markets for 25 bucks. When compared to my employer's real ones, we couldn't tell the difference! (We had a great laugh over it and my employer got the name and location of the Flea Market from me!)"
isn't that sweet? I'm sure the small children who are slaving for pennies will be thrilled that she is so happy with her fake Prada crap.
Can you say Sugar Daddy?
I think it is none of your business. It may drive you nuts to hear her complain but betond that you have no responsibility for her or her money. Maybe a grandparent is buying the clothes or the kid's dad. Who cares?
My child has health insurance. I do not however as I have a condition and blah blah blah why do I need to explain to you? hahahaha.
Yea um Coach is sooooo ghetto! There are so many fakes saturating the market that anyone with class wouldn't be caught dead with one. Everyone from the welfare line to a 3rd grader has one! hahahah.
you say she's a good nanny. what r u jealous? should she be groveling at your feet with appreciation? you are so giving and she is so greedy then fire her- otherwise just shut it.
By the way- what makes you think "real" labels are made anywhere but a sweatshop? DO some research hun. Prada outsources to china silly as do MOST clothing manufacturers.
I'll buy fake ANY DAY- I'd rather support some AMERICAN on the street trying to pay his rent than some insanely rich greedy designer.
Booooo!
Um, I think the OP was asking for some rationale to her nanny's behavior so she could get past it and focus on their relationship.
OP, I think for many people who grew up with little or nothing, the thrill of being able to dress yourself and your kid as well or better than their peers is a major, concrete accomplishment. Even if it's done on credit. Some people like the feeling they get when they open their closets and see all the clothes in there.
I
OP, if you decide to donate your children's clothing somewhere else, I'd like to recommend you contact your local womens shelters and domestic abuse shelters. Most of the women there have kids with them, and they definitely need the stuff.
~~~~~
Also, on the topic of sweatshops and child labor - research the
Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands aka CNMI :
Although the CNMI is part of the United States, several members of Congress have fought hard to keep labor regulation out of the CNMI.
Some extreme labor practices, not common elsewhere in the United States, had occurred. Some of these labor practices include forcing workers to have abortions, as exposed in the March 18, 1998, episode of ABC News' 20/20, and enslaving women and forcing them into prostitution, as in the U.S. Department of Justice conviction of several CNMI traffickers in 1999 attests. In 2005 and 2006, the issue of these regulatory exemptions in the CNMI was brought up during the American political scandals of Congressman Tom DeLay and lobbyist Jack Abramoff.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Abramoff_CNMI_scandal
OR! Here's a great video, forward it to 3:18 to get to the bits about the US sponsored mariana islands slavery: http://www.pbs.org/moyers/moyersonamerica/media_players/chapter1-3.html
So you are trying to make your nanny's kid into a white boy and don't appreciate her own style for her own kid. Good luck with that project.
Anonymous said...
There is really not much you can do without seeming that you are crossing the line.
As a nanny myself who make $100k (bonus included) I have seen a lot of friends who make a lot less, overextend themselves and live from paycheck to paycheck because of this stupidity.
My advise to you is to listen when your nanny talks, but have nothing to say. If she's telling you, believe me, you don't have to make it your business to respond. Just listen.
Consider her a very valued employee, give her what is due to her, and don't forget the invisible line.
Good luck!
3:26 PM
RE-POST FOR ANONYMOUS!
OP is jealous cause she's a tub.
what the hell is a "tub"? do you mean fat? what does that have to do with fake labels?
This is absolutely none of your business. What's wrong with a nanny doing well for herself? There is such a stigma that nannies have to be poor and struggling...why can't she indulge like you? And as for her children, maybe they wear the clothing at other times other than around you. Get over it and worry about your own kids. If shes taking care of them, thats all that matters.
How about mind your damn business!
So she wears Prada, big deal. That's what she chooses to spend her money on, and she clearly does nto want your hand-me-downs.
The nerve of yo people and your nosiness, how about she starts to discuss the things you buy, will that be ok?
Manhattan nanny
Who gives a rat's behind whether or not their employer thinks that they are spending their money wisely?
Are their employers concerned about their spending habits.
Personally I could give a crap about what my employers think. They need to mind their own damn businessIf she speands her entire paychek on a prada bag so be it. still not your business
How do you even know if she doesn't have someone gifting her these things. Don't cry because you can't aford them.
Some nannies can afford more than the parents caan because they dont have kids and such, but all in all, who the hell cares, just mind your damned business that's all.
and just in case you missed the point of this comment. mind your damn business should do it
mind your business:
Could you be any less educated? Instead of blowing all of your nanny money on fake designer labels, maybe you should take that money and pick up a class at the local College?
The only thing more annoying than the Grammar po-po are the Manner po-po.
Snooty-pants.
grammar police
exactly what part of that post has bad grammar, apart from what seems to be typos.
You've got your work cut out for you here as there is enough bad grammar and typos to go around.
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