Received Tuesday, October 7, 2008. - Perspective & Opinion
I need some advice. I have been a nanny for the past 4 years and have been working with children for the past 15 years or so. I just took a new position as a nanny for 2 families. I am taking care of both of their infant girls who are 6 months old (I will call one "abby" and one "Claire") and Im basically taking care of them both at the same time, but Fridays, only one baby.
The families are very nice and I do like them but I am having a bit of a problem with Abby. I have been working for 2 weeks now. I understand that there will be a bit of an adjustment period while all of us get to know one another but Abby is having a hard time and so am I. She cries nonstop from the start of the day to the end of the day. Thank goodness she is a good napper or I think I would have perhaps killed myself by now. Yes, I know babies cry, I get that. But this is not fussing. This is not even normal crying. Its loud screeching, wailing, sobbing! THE WHOLE ENTIRE DAY--NO STOPPING NOT EVEN FOR A MINUTE (except when shes sleeping)
If I try to pick her up to comfort her it gets worse. If I look at her it gets worse. If she hears my voice it gets worse. To feed her I have to put her in her bouncer, face her to the wall and feed her so she doesnt see me---this is the ONLY way I can get her to eat.
I have worked with tons of infants and never have I seen one like this. The other baby, claire, is just wonderful. Shes happy and has really taken to me. Thank goodness one of them is great. I am a bit concerned that this will have a negative effect on poor little Claire since Abby is so difficult. We cant even go out for a walk because Abby screams at the top of her lungs. I thought maybe we would try library infant story hour-nope, she wont let me hold her for it and cried the whole time.
I need advice on what you guys would do. I really like Abby's family but if this is the way its always going to be, I really cant deal with it. Its enough to make me insane:( I feel bad for her, shes a baby and doesnt know me and wants her mom but it makes the day intolerable for me and poor Claire. What should I do? I was thinking of speaking to Claires mom and telling her that I want to stay on as Claires nanny and we can find another family to share with if she wants.
(The 2 moms are not friends they just live in the same neighborhood, found each other off of craigslist wanting a nanny share)
Should I wait it out and see? Any advice would be wonderful. Thanks. Oh and in case you are wondering Abby is just happy as can be and doesnt cry when mom or dad is around so I dont think its a medical problem.
74 comments:
Is the baby breast fed while at home? I had a baby like that once...she is 2 now and she is the greatest fun "now". I too did a nanny share thing with her back then..it was hard but we stuck it out. Give it a couple more weeks, you never know..she may need more adjusting. Did her mom "just" go back to work? Was she home with the baby before this?
If you are really unhappy, I would tell the family. You sound great. But it would be awful to get to a point where you may do something you regret.
I'm sure this is dumb advice since you have probably tried everything, but have you tried either a front or a back carrier? She may be used to constant contact with mom at home. Maybe a Baby Bjorn where she can't see you could help? I know it won't be the easiest to "wear" her all day, but if it stops the crying...
Otherwise, this sounds like an untenable situation both for you and for the baby, and I think you'll just have to tell Abby's parents you are sorry but it just is not working out, and be honest with them about why.
I would talk to the Mom right away. She needs to be aware of the situation. Perhaps she can work with you to try different things. And while the baby doesn't cry all the time around her parents, that doesn't necessarily rule out all medical possibilities including vision or hearing problems. A baby crying all day is not normal.
My friend was just in the same situation. She had been nannying out of her home for a family w/ a baby girl that cried non stop constantly. Now she has her own little boy and finally told the mom that she just couldn't do it anymore. I think mom already knew about the non-stop crying though. How sad for those little babies. And extra kudos to the nannies that even last a day in that situation. Gosh, you will be going deaf soon.
I was also gonna say, the mom should be aware of this *now*, not just if you decide not to nanny for her anymore. Personally I couldn't leave my baby to cry all day somewhere if I were aware of it, and I absolutely WOULD NOT blame the caregiver for the crying. But I'd be pissed as hell if my baby were crying like this and the nanny didn't tell me. Mom needs to know (I'm guessing you probably already have told her, but if you haven't you should!).
If you are worried the mom will think somehow you are not doing enough to keep her baby happy, just let her know all you have done to try and help Abby. She will understand.
What sdmom said.
First of all, kudos to your for caring for two infants at the same time...just one is enough for me. I can care for two toddlers and up, but I don't know if I could care for two babies at the same time!
Anyway, yes, you should definitely speak to Abby's mom about the crying. She should be told and then see what she says. If she says to just take a wait and see approach, then you can tell her you are doing the best you can, but it's too much for you to handle considering that you have another infant to care for as well. If she does not agree, then you can tell her that maybe she needs to find another nanny, nicely of course! It would be great if Abby's mother would sympathize and maybe give you some advice, maybe pointers that she does when she is in the same situation. In other words, maybe she can work with you. That would be ideal. Again, if she doesn't or tells you to wait it out, I would just have to let that one go. I spent a day with only ONE infant like that, he cried when I fed him, held him and even took him for a walk in the stroller. I was almost in tears (literally)!....I finally told the parents I couldn't do it. I have raised two kids by the way!!
Good Luck. Keep us posted.
Wow, this must be very exhausting for you. My guess is that this baby has never been left by mom and dad before. I would like to say that this will wear off, but geez, enough is enough! I would say it is colic, but then she's totally fine when mom and dad come.
I would pose it to Abby's mom this way: 'I'm not sure if Abby is transitioning to me and I want what is best for her.' Or something like that.
Good luck!
This child sounds like she might have some serious attachment issues. You're doing everything you can, but you definitely need to discuss this with Abby's Mom and see what she has to say. I can't imagine she would be o.k. with knowing that the whole time she is gone her little girl is crying like that. Some children have a much more difficult time adjusting than others.
Personally, if you can stand it, see if things don't improve over the next week or so after you've talked to Abby's Mom. If the child hasn't calmed down by then, I would consider letting them go for your own sanity... and Claire's.
I would discuss it with abby's parents. Clearly something is up, especially if she's fine with mom and dad. Maybe give it more time, all kids are different concerning attachment and seperation.
Good luck to you in the future!
Just to answer some questions--It is not colic because she is just fine with Mom and Dad. Yes, she is breastfed by mom when she is home. Mom pumps milk for me to give her during the day and I also give her formula. They say she has had sitters before and she cried for them-she cries for Grandma even. Also, Mom was home with her the 1st few months then dad was-they were able to take leaves at their jobs -I am the first nanny. Also I have told Mom that the baby is crying all day, nonstop and how if I touch her, look at her, etc it makes it worse and her answer is "well I have to work so shes just gonna have to get used to you". So Mom knows what is going on. She hasnt given me any pointers and quite honestly i dont think there are any to give. Baby just wants mom or dad-nothing soothes her. Oh and about the baby bjorn-great idea but it would be a little hard since I am watching another baby too!Also on Fridays, Mom works from home. As you can imagine this is a nightmare for me. There is basically only one main room in their apartment where the computer is ( where mom is working) and i have to "entertain" abby the whole time she is there. Needless to say Abby cries the whole time, Mom comes and picks her up and she basically works with Abby sitting on her lap. I sit there for 5 hours doing nothing because the baby wont even let me look at her and its even worse when Mom is there. Should i speak with her about Fridays just not working out and either she needs to go into work or I am just not available?? I feel like even though I am getting paid it is a huge waste by me being there since I am of NO HELP.
Now that we know Abby's Mom is aware of the situation... honestly, I don't know how you haven't lost your mind, especially if she is of no help.
I think you have a serious decision to make, OP. You know deep down you probably aren't giving Claire the kind of attention she needs if Abby is driving you batty! I don't think I could do it.
I would instead discuss with Claire's Mom the situation you're in... it looks like you may need to let Abby go.
Abby sounds as if she may have some autistic tendencies. She sounds overwhelmed by being out of her routine, and the fact that you have to turn her AWAY from you to feed her is very telling. Kids with autism usually don't like eye contact, strangers, or anything that they see as outside of their routine life--including new people, no matter how much they might care about them. (Hence the crying for Grandma.)
Also, baby slings make it EASIER to care for other children, because your hands are freed up. And Abby just might benefit from secure feeling of the sling.
That's just my initial feeling, I could be totally wrong. However, you might just do some preliminary Googling on babies and autism and see if you think Abby might fall somewhere on the spectrum and if so, find some tips on how you might better cope with her.
If she is crying for EVERY caregiver, that just means that she'll be just as miserable with the next one, which makes me sad. I would hope that the mother would be trying to figure some things out, rather just saying, "Oh well, she has to deal with it," but that's just me. You might actually be doing Abby a huge favor by researching autism and/or other attachment issues and sparing her lots of misery.
Good luck!
I agree that this isn't at all fair to Claire. or Abby really. I can't believe her mom doesn't have more compassion for her infant being so incredibly distressed that she is screaming all day long like that. it would break my heart to know my baby was suffering like that. And if I were Claire's mom, I would be considering finding a new nanny because there is no way you can give her the loving attention she deserves.
I babysat for another child one day a week when my son was about one. When the mom asked me to babysit, I thought it would be good for my son to have another child around. That turned out not to be true at all because the other littl eboy cried all day long, unless I was holding him. I held him as much as I possibly could, but that left no time for my son to have any of my attention. And there were times I just had to put the other little boy down, like to change a diaper or make food for them, or go to the bathroom, etc. Then he would scream the whole time and I was completely riddled with guilt for letting him cry at all. After several weeks of that I realized it was not good for my own son to have my attentions focused entirely on another baby one day a week and had to stop babysitting.
Hi OP, first of all I want to commend you for your concern and to let you know that you are doing the right thing and are on the right track.
Don't leave, Abby will outgrow it.
The baby I take care of now is two years old, I had her at 3 months and let me tell you!
SHE DID THAT EXACT THING!!
She bawled when I came in the morning and dragged my bag over to throw me out at night.
SHE BAWLED WHEN I TRIED TO FEED HER, CHANGE HER, TAKE HER OUT...SHE BAWLED AND BAWLED AND BAWLED ALL DAY.
Sometimes I bawled too!!
I used to be so humiliated and concerned that her parents would think I was not doing a good job.
The thing that saved me is that she bawled for every living thing that came near her, all her relatives, her little cousins that wanted to play...so her parents knew it wasn't me or anyone , it was her, her bad attitude, so to speak.
I stuck it out because I genuinely loved her parents and her from the second I me them and also for the sake of staying employed.
Today, we are inseparable.
Her mother is expecting a new baby soon and I am happy and anxious for the new responsibility and to do it all over again.
I am happy I stuck it out.
Just do what you can, let her have her way for now, give her some time, she'll come around after she gets to know you.
Mine came around after about a year and a half. Seriously!!
I waited that long.
Coincidently, her name is Claire too!!(yes I know you were talking about Abby)
My word to you is it will get better...wait and see, you won't go insane, trust me, you may get impatient but just take deep breaths and remember she is a baby, She doesn't know better, just that she wants what she wants.
In the end you will be a much better person, patient and kind and a way way better nanny.
Hang in there.
nannyinmanhattan,
I would agree with you...except for poor little Claire.
She may end up losing one family over this, so wouldn't it be better if she got to keep Claire rather than maybe spend a year and a half in misery.
If I were Claire's parents I would not put up with this for too long. It's totally NOT nanny's fault...but Claire deserves better.
Plus, I don't think it is good for a little baby to be in so much distress for such an extended period of time.
Mom may need to work, but shouldn't baby come first? I would think taking some of her vacation time (if she has used up all of her maternity leave) and spending days together with nanny and Abby until Abby becomes used to nanny as the "other parent" might be the best thing for Abby. Really, the mom sounds a little callous and inconsiderate. She knows this is a miserable situation for three people and her comment is "She'll have to get used to it?" (Which I think sort of boils down to, "All of you need to suck it up because I've got more important things to do."
I agree, Mom. I was kind of put off by that comment, too.
Mom, I think if you're judging the mom for being 'callous' then you have to be equally critical of the dad. IMO the mom should not always not be the default primary caregiver.
This situation just sounds like a nightmare for all involved. OP, I'm sure the mom doesn't blame you in any way, and is aware that the baby has some separation issues. I also like to think that if you stuck it out it would get better. Barring any medical/developmental issues wouldn't it HAVE to? Having said that I certainly wouldn't blame you for wanting not to nanny for Abby any more. A different type of arrangement might be better for you...hopefully this is something that can be worked out to everyone's benefit.
Princess
OP only relayed what the Mom said. And you're right, it shouldn't all be put on the Mom, but her reaction to OP needing advice or help was.... insensitive.
But I would be interested in what Abby's Dad has to say about all of this. OP?
Dad basically says the same thing. They know she is screaming all day and like I pointed out -Fridays Mom is working from home and Abby is even worse by seeing her Mom. I understand crying is normal, etc but the way she cries and the way she wont even let me touch her is odd. I am not sure if it will ever get better:( Also it is extremely unbearable with the screeching all day long-for everyone( me, Claire, neighbors). Last night I had to go home and have a few vodka martinis for the headache:)
OP, I really feel bad for you.
What do YOU want to do?
It sounds like Abby's disposition is taking a toll on everyone except Mom & Dad.
Believe me, I can relate to the stress. Even one whole day of listening to the crying, etc. can wear on you. Plus, Claire is not able to get quality care because you are having to prioritize Abby all the time!! The sling idea could work sometimes, but carrying a 6 month old child for large amounts of time can be hard on the back!
I would just tell the mother that you do not think the situation is working out for you. Let her know that Abby maybe could be with another nanny, one who only has one child to care for since that way she can get one-on-one interaction. Tell her it is not anything against her or the child, but simply that you do not feel you guys are a suitable match. Maybe if she sees that you are serious about this, she may take a different approach to the problem, but I wouldn't count on it. It's worth a shot anyhow.
If you keep this resentment and frustration inside for any longer, it will eventually manifest itself and you may just have a breakdown and that will not be good for anyone.
I used to work for families where I harbored the same resentment inside. Eventually things did not work out, but I regret that I didn't communicate more and take a stand. I went through many different families, my friends joked that I should write a book about all my experiences! But seriously, I work for a wonderful family now and it is so not worth it to wake up each day and dread going to work!!
If you are really financially strapped and the pay is excellent, you could stick it out, otherwise it may be best for you, Claire and Abby to find another sitution.
Best of luck to you.
OP, who would blame you! In fact I think you might find your off duty alcohol consumption increasing as the days go on!!! (:
Mom, agree the mom (and dad) are being a bit obtuse indeed. I think they just want the problem to solve itself. Perhaps they both need to spend a bit more time attending to the transition...
OP, if this doesn't get better soon I think you might have to walk away, for your own well-being!
I am very surprised that you lasted this long! i don't deal well with crying infants. If it crys while i'm holding it I will find the mom give it back and walk away. I can't stand it.
Poor little thing, she is so attached. Ask mom if she has a favorite toy or something try to get Abby to associate you with something good.
paperbag,
I agree to them each being responsible...but each to a degree of 100%, not 50/50. I think the relatively new presence of fathers on the hands-on childrearing scene has, in many cases, allowed some parents to feel less responsible for thier kids, not more. The "it's not ALL my problem" mentality does nobody any good.
These days we mostly have control over our bodies and whether or not babies pop out of ourselves (or our wives.) If you're going to make a baby people, PLEASE take 100% responsibility for the HUMAN BEING you have chosen to create. If it's going to be a nuisance to have to drop everything and care for that baby from time to time...especially while its still a new baby...maybe waiting until you are 100% ready to commit to putting yur child first might be best. I'm just saying...
This whole thing gets me mad thinking about those two babies and the nanny enduring this while mom and dad are off having "their lives."
You need to leave. This is the kind of situation that builds up until a baby ends up getting hurt. How long are you expected to take this frustration and why would you want to when you have a perfectly happy other baby you can watch?
I think you should definitely tell the parents about this (if you haven't already). Some kids are just really attached to their parents. My mom said I was like that as a baby - I would scream bloody murder if anyone else besides her tried to hold me - even my dad!
It sounds like this situation is really unbearable and you should not have to subject yourself to that. Tell Abby's family it is just not working out. It would be great if you could stay on with Clair's family, but if they are not open to that, I think you should try and find another job.
I am a parent with a child who was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum a few months before his second birthday. I can tell you as a baby he had interaction issues with strangers and would scream bloody murder nonstop for hours if left with his grandparents or a babysitter he was not familiar. Fortunately I had a wonderful nanny already for my older two so he knew her from birth and we never had the issue Abby's parents have. Even though I did not know about his developmental issues when he was a baby, I knew he screamed if left with an unfamiliar caregiver. Because of this, for the few times I HAD to leave him with someone other than his nanny, I made sure I had two caregivers so someone was able to watch my older two while another caregiver focused on my son who I knew would be pitching a fit. It also allowed the two to switch off when they felt their blood pressure was getting to the boiling point. Regardless of whether Abby has an undiagnosed developmental issue, this situation is definitely not right, and possibly even unsafe, for Claire. Abby's parents should never have attempted a nanny share and should recognize she needs one on one care. You should feel free to leave with a clear conscience if that is what you want. If you decide to stick it out with Abby, be fair to Claire's parents and let them know Abby's behavior so they can decide if they they want to find a new share where Claire may get more attention. Also, a trick Grandma used that worked with my son, was letting him "hide" under his favorite blanket (a hand knitted, very open weave one--not something that is a suffocation hazard) and his pacifier or bottle--basically he self-soothed better than she could--and it broke his crying jags. He eventually got to the point where he accepted her picking him up, but it took months and I was with him most times he spent with her.
Try Gripe Water. The distributor is Baby Bliss and you can find it in many Drug Stores in the baby section.
It is pricey.(about 12 a bottle depending on where you live)
I am telling you,I had the same situation that you are describing.
No medical problems to be found.
Gripe Water was suggested and hesitantly tried. It worked miracles. Of course baby still cried from time to time but nothing like he previously was.
Please ask mom and dad for permission to try some. It is an over the counter,all natural remedy and will in no warm harm Abbey. If it works,you will know within the first day of use, usually the first dose,if you see no change after the first day, then chances are,you won't see any at all and you can discontinue using it.No harm no foul.
Best of luck OP. I really hope you will talk to mom and dad and try the Gripe Water. 2tsps for babies 6 months and older up to 6 times a day.
Yes,this is often used for colic but it is also used in general for fussy babies with no apparent cause and has had tremendous success.
It is a basic herbal supplement containing Natural Fennel and Grapefruit Seed Extract.
It is also Pediatrician recommended.
go to www.blissbymom.com
877-457-4955 is there number
I know this seems like a sales pitch. I promise I have nothing to do with this company..
Best of luck op. You are in a hard position.I am sure your nerves are shot.Please continue to let us know of any changes and thanks for all the updates.I know how sad it is watching a baby cry and scream all day long,it is heartbreaking.
mom, I think of it as each parent having 100%/100% responsibility. Frankly, the workload is such that it has to be! But I'm not sure what you mean about hands-on dads making parents feel less responsible. I can say without reservation that I have never seen this to be true amongst any of the egalitarian, truly co-parent partnerships I have seen. I can't help but think when you say 'allows PARENTS to feel less responsible' you mean moms?? By all means put me in my place if this isn't what you meant! (:
Gripe water is wonderful. Many companies make it, including Little Remedies (Little Tummies). You can get it at Babies R Us and some drug stores.
My newest charge, who is now 7 weeks old, has had a real tough tough time with reflux. I think the Gripe Water works better than anything they have tried so far, including prescription Zantac...
You say it's not medical, but it screams of autism to me. Out of routine, not able to engage w/you, screaming....this is just the age when it starts to show signs, too. I don't know how to present the possibility to Mom, but maybe you could do some goggle searches on it and see if it really looks like it fits the profile. Your with her, we're only getting a small piece of the picture. Best of luck to you.
Another thumbs up for Gripe Water. Both my twins had reflux and it worked great and got them off the prescription stuff.
OP, you are great to be concerned. I'm sorry the Mom is not being helpful. I would tell her you are too concerned for her child to continue this way. I guess she will find someone who will, but it can't be all on you.
Paperbagprincess,
What I mean (and remember my kids are 22 down to 14, so it was really sort of new to have "house daddies" when my kids were small...and in my generation, dad's didn't do much childcare, if any...but might play with the kids if they saw fit.
In my generation, dads were learning that they should have an actual childcare and parenting role...and moms were loving the help. (To give you an example of how things have changed, my mother in law actually said to my sis and law and me that she thought we were a little silly and selfish to be "placing pressure" on our husbands to amend their business trips and schedules to make it possible for them to be present in the delivery rooms so for our children's births.)
Anyway...back to my observations...which started 22 years ago.
And this was all getting worked out, it seemed that neither parent, in many instances, felt 100% responsibility for childcare anymore. Women (yes, mostly women...just a fact of the times not a judgment) were getting "empowerment" by doing so much, and only so much, for the kids and expecting dad to do the rest. There was a lot of (on both sides), "It's his turn," or "It's her turn." Or "I've done more than my share." Or, "I've given up enough. He/she can go the extra mile if he/she thinks its so important." So many people seemed to become willing to do strictly their 50% and not a bit more. Pretty soon it seemed that many couples (not all, for sure) were more in a contest of who could have the most "me" time, and a lot of people lost sight of the fact that children are supposed to be more of a joy and a blessing...and not just a nasty chore.
At least when moms felt 100%responsible for the care of the kids (and I really don't care if it's a mom or dad who does it...as long as at least one does...perferably BOTH....and, as I said, to a degree of 100% responsibility EACH. It just happens that it was most often the moms who did it in the past), there was a real sense of responsibility TO the kids and taking good care of them.
I have seen too many families...just because they felt they deserved, "me time" and "couple time" and a fantastic career...or maybe just didn't want to be "taken advantage of" by a spouse doing less than his/her 50% share...who, without necessity or reason, dump their kids in outside care from the time the time they woke up in the morning until dinnertime, at best...and call it even. it may be even to mom and dad...but it's NOT even to the kids.
I think the best scenario is that EACH parent takes 100% responsibility for the children they produce. Thay way, if one parent turns out to be the selfish type, the other parent (being that he/she realizes that he/she is 100% responsible) will step up to the plate and do WHATEVER it is, no matter how hard it is or how long it takes, to make sure the child is taken care of the way the child deserves.
Has mom changed 500 diapers and dad refuses to change any? So what...the kid needs a new diaper so do it...because it's your kid and your responsibility.
Does baby cry all day long and one of the parents flatly refuses to take time off work to help the baby adjust? Then the other parent just DOES it, no matter what, because its their responsinility, and its the right thing to do.
Just because somebody may have chosen a sucky, selfish mate to reproduce with doesn't mean the kids ought to suffer. Get marriage counseling on your own time. But don't make babies and then make a contest out of who gets to get by with taking the least care of it.
Just do it.
And this diatribe is for Abby's parents...not you paperbagp. I'm sure you're perfectly lovely. I just wish ONE of Abby's parents could be selfless enough to consider it a very serious matter that their infant is screaming herself beet faced 8-10 hours a day, every day.
I know I'm not explaining this very well. I can't get the right words. But the bottom line is, I want people to make sure their kids are taken well care of....even if their spouse turns out to be a lazy assed selfish jerk and they have to do it all themselves. Just do it.
This particular story really burns me up.
Just to give a different perspective, I've got a crier too. He is a sweetie, but he is, unfortunately, a challenging baby. He's 12 months old now and goes through times that are better or worse, but generally he cries a lot. If he's with me or my husband and being *constantly* entertained with a new toy every 10 minutes, he's not too bad. But otherwise, his default is crying. My first child was the same way; my second was a breeze. They were like that from birth and nothing I did seemed to have much effect.
I need to work as does my husband. Yes, my baby cries when we leave and cries lots during the day. I have two part time nannies who split a day. He is more comfortable with the one he's known longer, but it took months before he adjusted. When he cries, it is much worse for him if I linger and drag out the separation process. So I give him a hug and kiss, and head out the door. I hear him screaming as I leave, but resist the temptation to go back. It won't help him and it won't help his adjustment. I know it sucks to take care of a difficult baby and I appreciate that my nanny is sticking it out. I wouldn't blame her if she said it was too much. But I also know from my first child, that he will grow out of it and get more comfortable with her. Some kids adjust fast, some take months. If my husband or I stay home and try to "help," it makes things MUCH worse for everyone (kind of like when Abby's mom is home on Fridays).
So we'll just keep on trying. Baby will cry. Nanny will do her best. I will resist the urge to linger at parting. In a few months, the baby will be better and my nanny and he will be best buddies. Or she will have thrown in the towel and we'll try again with someone new. I hope not cause I really like her, but if so I certainly will understand. The one thing I know for sure though is that me taking extra time off to "help" Baby adjust would be the most counterproductive thing I could do. To me Abby's mom sounds practical and like a working mom who knows she's got a difficult baby - sometimes it takes more strength to do the hard thing as a parent (in this case, going to work despite the crying and knowing it will just take time).
Mom of a crying baby--the difference between you and Abby's parents is that you are not making your child's somewhat challenging temperment the problem of another family and child. Abby's parent should never have gone for a nanny share--they obviously know they have a cryer. It means that Claire is getting short changed.
BTW, I don't mean anything negative by the words "challenging temperment". I'm sure he's a sweetie, but constant crying is difficult for any caregiver.
Mom - LOVED your post and I agree 110% - if you HAVE to work and no matter what won't be able to stay home if you kid can't adjust to a caregive then don't have kids. I'm sorry, it is just my humble personal opinion. I get that accidents happen and I am not pro forced abortion or anything but I think that too many reproduce for very selfish reasons.
Whoa dear God, to anybody who has been blessed with never encountering a serious all day crier..count your blessings!! A couple months after I opened in home daycare I got a 3 month old named Jaggar...I swear to God ,rather than sleep or even eat, he would scream. Nothing was working. NOTHING. I had never in all my days seen such a thing. He made me have sleepless nights, and I seriously considered changing my profession. He was pure hell. I don't think you should kill yourself for one more minute, because it's not worth all the money in the whole world! Tell them and be done!!!
my friend is an autism specialist and she said from a very young age you can see autism by how they react to things...such as a ball flying past them an inch from thier face..if the reaction to blink or backup or startle is delayed this is a sign, as well as walkers who never get there hands down to catch themselves in a fall...because the signals are delayed, maybe you could look for that?
Thank you everyone for your nice advice. I was sure someone was gonna say suck it up , babies cry. I was talking to Abby's mom today when she got home and told her she cried all day again. She said she didnt realize abby was like this until now and knows she is difficult and hopes i am not getting too discouraged. I feel bad but I am also getting stressed by the crying . Like I said, nothing works and I cant even soothe her. Claire is getting the most attention I can give her because even if I try to hold Abby she doesnt want me touching her, it just makes it worse. I am thinking, after researching , that she may in fact have early signs of autism. Thanks to all that pointed that out. If this is the case she needs a nanny that can be able to take her on 100% which I cannot. I think what I am gonna do is wait it out 2 weeks. If shes still the same I will resign. Claires mom knows the situation and I hope shell keep me on and we can find a new family to share with. Again, thanks for all of your great advice:)
OP You are a saint...as I hereby dub anybody who can tolerate all day crying, day in and day out and keep your sanity.
I am so thankful mine were not cryers (although my middle son was very attached to me and cried for everybody else...but I was almost always with him and the times dad or grandma took him on all alone it was usually because they wanted him and were willing to put in the extra effort...but he did't scream nonstop like what is described here, so it wasn't unbearable.)
So anyway...crying babies really stressed me out because I felt so bad for them...and as I said, mine didn't usually cry for no reason, so I was always distressed if they did it and I couldn't comfort them right away. I remember one day when my baby daughter cried off and on for most of the day, and I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I called my husband at work and said, just for a joke, "Hey. Wanna come home and help me take care of Rosemary's Baby?" I told him she had been crying all day. Obviously...at least it was obvious to me... I was totally kidding, and thought I had made a clever joke. We had a laugh and I hung up and went on with my day, when all of a sudden my husband showed up home from work, right in the middle of the day. When I acted surprised, he said he had been concerned because I had never spoken about one of the kids that way, and he thought I sounded stressed, which was also totally out of character for me with the kids...so, he explained, he got to thinking about those moms who have postpartum depression and hurt the kids...so he rushed home to help out....just in case. While I thought it was sweet, and incredibly responsible, of him to drop everything and come to make sure everything was OK, I was a little hurt that he thought I ever could hurt anybody...especially my own kids. But he had some weird fear of postpartum depression. I remember shortly after my second son was born, I treated myself to an uncharacteristically expensive purse. We had plenty of money for it, but it wasn't my typical way of spending money. After asking me several times if I felt alright, if I wanted to talk about anything, or if anything was bothering me I finally made him do some serious 'splainin about the incessant questioning. Finally he told me that he had recently heard about a woman who had had a baby, seemed to be fine, and then jumped out of a high rise building to her death, all apparently because of postpartum depression. I was like, "And what brings this idea into your head about me?" He said, "The purse. It's not like you to spend so much money on something like that." I asked him if he would like me to return it and he said that, no, he was happy for me to have it...as long as it didn't signal any serious postpartum issues. While I found his concern sweet...I thought it most odd, since I had never been happier, and was totally in love with being a mom. I don't know how that wasn't obvious to him...either time. But I think its just his particualr fear....the way I fear kidnappers and molesters. Once I assured him that, if I had intentions of dying I would not need a new purse, he relaxed.
Honestly, I am doing it because the parents are so nice and I feel I should at least wait it out a few more weeks to see if it can change--BUT--I cannot deal with it much longer than that. Thanks, Mom, you sound like such a great person/mommy.
Mom
I seriously appreciated your last post... your Husband sounds wonderful! I wish more Mommies had someone as attentive - whether it was warranted or not. It is so very important to have that kind of emotional support after childbirth.
Mom, I can honestly say I don't know anyone like the me-time parents you described! Every parent I know, to a fault, is dedicated, committed, and responsible, whether they work outside the home or not. But I do believe you that people you describe are out there! No one really knows what having kids is going to be like or what kind of temperment a child will have, so wow said, I didn't find your comment very fair/realistic/useful. People do sometimes have kids for strange reasons but we live in a social climate that tells us that if you don't reproduce you are an incomplete human being. People make their decisions in this context.
I'm really glad mom of a crier wrote in with her perspective because I was sort of thinking that it could possibly make things worse if the transition period is prolonged.
OP, you're doing the best you can do in a sad situation. Good luck to you.
These suggestions have all been great. I personally would also suggest Radio Disney. It usually soothes my child. She just loves Miley.
Well MPP, that's what made the incidents so extra incredibly incredibly weird. At that time he was not what anybody would consider "emotionally supportive" or helpful. He was 100% of the mindset (which his parents reinforced for him any time they saw him do ANYTHING childcare related...which they all fully believed men ought not be burdened with)that childcare was women's work. He would play with them...but if anybody needed anything of an unfun nature (diaper, food, cleaned, help, etc.) it was "go see mommy." If I asked him to do anything, his typical response was, "I HAVE a job. I'm not going to do yours too." So when he rushed home from work to help that day, it was like the sky had fallen in or something.
Thank goodness he's done a 180, because it got to where I was ready to sell him to the circus. Literally, we ended up separated and in marriage counseling and I was pretty much done with him. When he tried to complain to the counselor that I was always taking care of kids and not doting enough on him, I was expecting the counselor to let me have it for "not puttig my husband first," but I was (we both were) totally shocked by his response. Instead, he looked right at my husband and said (and I paraphrase because it was years ago...but this is pretty darn close. I remember pretty well because of the shock.), "How old ARE you? You have three very small children, you don't help with them AT ALL, your wife is obviously exhausted from doing it all by herself, and you're sitting here complaining that you want her to take care of you too? Of course she's always taking care of them...because you won't. Kids are a lot of work and she's TIRED. You ought to be glad you have a wife who takes such good care of your kids, because, believe me, I see plenty who don't. You're not two years old. How about helping like an adult instead of whining like a baby?" And he said it almost in a yell, like he was actually mad at my husband.
Well, knock me over with a feather. And you should have seen my husband sitting there in stunned silence. And he turned his behavior completely around after that, because it was either that or "Adios sailor." But its been about 13 or 14 years since then and he is truly a changed man. And you know what? When he rolled up his sleeves and started taking care of the kids instead of just playing with them when he felt like it, his love for them and his closeness to them grew 10 sizes, just like the Grinch's heart. Soon his emotional investment in them had grown to such an extent that he wasn't helping just to please me, but because he just really wanted to and because it had become second nature. And, even though it has been great for the kids and me, I think the person who benefited the most out of it was my husband. He is such a softer, happier person...and he is able to enjoy RELATIONSHIPS with people he loves...instead of being a cold, hard, money making machine, as he had been raised to believe men are.
He had been taught all his life by his parents that the husband provides the money...only. And for that money, the wife was supposed to show endless gratitude and service, by making sure he was pampered and treated like a king at home...not bothered by noisy children or burdened with chores of any kind. She would bring him a drink, or whatever he demanded as he sat on the sofa reading or watching television, serve him a nice dinner, and perhaps the children, once scrubbed for bed, might come give him a kiss before she took them off to be tucked in. If anything at all went wrong, her fault or not, even things at his job that had nothing to do with her, he felt at liberty to take them all out on her emotionally and she should not complain or talk back about it, because he was just stressed from working so hard to provide her with the money, which, as he often reminded her, she should be grateful to have. When I first met my husband's family I noticed how very often the fact that his dad supported them financially was thrown into the faces of the wife and kids. My parents had never tried to make me feel indebted because they fed me or gave me a place to live as a child. It was really weird. And the rest of his family is still of that menatlity. It is sad to see the dads so distant and cold to their children and wives...and thinking that they are "real men" because of their hardness.
So anyway...that is why you often see me as one of the first people to jump on those posts where somebody's husband (or wife) is not treating them or their kids correctly. Things don't have to be that way. But people will get away with what they can sometimes...and we are responsible for letting people treat us poorly if we do't ask for and expect better. So I always encourage people to stand up for themselves...because if you matter to your husband (or wife) enough, they will make changes in order to save the relationship when it comes to that point. And, if they won't...well then, at least you know for sure just how important you are or are not to your spouse...and you can make an informed decision for your life with all of the realities of the situation in front of you.
And here's just a littl ebit more incentive for anybody out there who may be in a less than desirable situation The way oyu treat oyur spouse and the way you allow your spouse to treat you is EXACTLY where your kids get their ideas of "Nortmal" and what a marriage should look like. Want you kids to be abused? Just abuse your spouse, or let them abuse you. That'll do it every time. How could they possibly be expected to know any better?
paperbagprincess,
you are very lucky. You must live in a good area.
I think each place has it's own "flavor." In California, where I saw A LOT of people like I described, I had to babysit after school to find kids for my kids to play with, because literally almost every kid in the neighborhood was locked up in the afterschool daycare program until dinner time.
When we moved to Texas, it was the exact opposite. Most moms were home and a few were in the afterschool care programs.
But I have known and seen good and bad parents in both places.
mom, loved your post about your husband. here here. One thing I could never understand is women who allow their husbands to be helpless, useless children. It is generational to a certain extent, but not wholly. Just to position myself a little, I am 33. So, sort of one of the first generations where men are expected to be co-parents, co-earners, and co-house-keepers. Yet I know a few stay at home moms who are my age that feel that because they are taking on childcare, and not bringing in a wage, they are contributing less and therefore have less of a say in major decisions, etc. Bollocks! Going back to your point about norms and parental example setting, I notice it is often the women whose moms were utterly self-sacrificial and waited on the family hand and foot that tend to feel more this way.
I whole heartedly agree with you mom. You can either let people walk over you, or you can demand better. My husband knows that his participation as a co parent, co-earner, and co-housekeeper is not some kind of help, or 'bonus' for lucky little me for choosing such a great guy. Nope, as far as I'm concerned it is the price of admission into marriage!
Exactly Paperbagprincess!
And for the record, you will think me a little old fashioned perhaps, but I still do the majority of the running of the house. But this is no longer because my husband won't help, but because I do still recognize that, while he needs to participate fully when he's home, he DOES have another job, and keeping things going here is a big part of my contribution to the marriage and our family. In other words, I don't spend my days shopping and getting massages and wait for him to get home and do his 50% right along side me. I don't expect him to work his butt off to support my acting like a princess all day long. It's more like the 100%/100% thing I was talking about on the other thread and it feels like its a pretty darn good situation. I'm here during the day and I do things to keep our family and our home taken care of. I go to the gym and other stuff too, but I keep in mind that I amd the "glue" here and try to keep all the edges neat. I just do what needs done on any given day...and when my husband's home, he does the same. I don't want to ever feel like the ladies you mention who feel like they are less of a partner. I want to participate fully and pull my weight so that I always feel that what we have, we have worked TOGETHER for all the way, even thought the actual money comes from the part he does. So far, so good. And he seems to feel the same way. In fact, as far as the handling of the money, I do it all. If I want to pay down the house...or make an investment, whatever, I mention to him what I am doing, or did, and he says, "Oh, OK."
A lady acted very surprised recently when I told her that I do my husband's laundry and cook for him. She said, "You are REALLY nice!" I said, "No. You work outside the home, just like your husband, so it's fine that you divide all chores evenly. I've gotten to be home being a mom all of this time and I WANT to do things here on my end to contribute so that it feels like we are working together. How would I feel if I just laid around and said, 'I'm the queen. bestow everything upon me as I lie here leisurely enjoying the fruits of your labor and give you nothing in return?'"
Every situation is different.
OP again, in case anyone cares I have an update. I spoke with Claires parents one on one today and it went well. They are frustrated too and they are wanting to find another family to share with. We are going to wait it out a few more weeks to see if abby improves but if not then we will all start looking and give abby's parents time to find another nanny. I feel so relieved that I get to stay with Claire and her parents and that we are all on the same page!
Good for you OP. You sound like a great nanny.
OP -
Did you guys ever talk to a doctor about a possible autism spectrum disorder? Long before I read the first comment mentioning it, this sounded suspicious to me. My brother has Asperger's Syndrome, and he had some very similar issues as a baby; my mother is also a special education teacher, so I spent a lot of time around her students, including autistic children. Abby really needs special attention if this is what's going on with her. The earlier autism is caught, the better her chances are for a very normal life. Also, I know it's a scary word for parents, but there is a wide spectrum of autism -- in its milder forms, its extremely manageable.
My brother is now married to a lovely woman and an excellent jazz pianist, and I can't imagine how much easier his childhood would have been if he could have gotten targeted help earlier.
Good luck!
I do not feel that it is my place to suggest their child may or may not be autistic. I have only been there a few weeks, they are not my friends. I feel they will become upset and think I am insulting their child. They probably won't think I am trying to be helpful. Its a tough situation and I just do not feel comfortable bringing up a touchy subject like that when I dont know 100%.
OP, maybe you could bend the truth and tell them that a relative's baby acted like Abby and turned out to have a mild form of Autism and that when you mentioned Abby's crying to your mother to ask for suggestions she told you that you ought to at least mention to her parents that they should check with their pediatrician to be safe. That way the "accusation" (if you fear that's how they will be a step removed from coming from you. I know its awkward, but if she does have that, you have an opportunity to affect Abby's life in a very dramatic way. And doesn't she deserve every possible opportunity to get treatment as early as possible if that turns out to be true? Doing the right thing isn't always so easy...which is presumably why more people don't do it. You have a chance to be Abby's hero...even if her parents are a little unhappy with your suggestion at first.
I agree with you O.P. I would not bring up the subject of Autism. Its a sensitive topic. And you are not a trained professional. They may even like you stated feel insulted.
But I am glad you will stay on at least with the one family. I hope it all works out.
OP, what a difficult situation! You must be very patient and dedicated.I don't think I could handle that at all. I don't know what to suggest about raising the topic of autism with them.
Mom and PBP, I could never STAND a worthless husband like that. My friend's husband is like that and although socially, is a really nice guy, helpful, friendly, generous, etc, says idiotic things like "you go do that if you want. I'll watch her" or "I finished the laundry for you". And my friend works FT and then some. Even when he had been laid off and was unemployed, she couldn't leave him to take their daughter to daycare because he would just let her sleep in until 10:30 or so and bring her in whenever it was convenient for him, which would screw up her schedule completely, so my friend still had to drop off her daughter BEFORE she went to work, while her husband hung around the house.
Cali.
I have known just two "househusbands," who stayed home and raised the kids while the mom worked.
One of them I don't know well enough to klnow how he was at home with his wife, but he was FANTASTIC with the kids at the park and all of their activities.
The other dad, he was a good enough dad at the park (he joined our neighborhood playgroup, which ...hehehehe...had a lot of the husbands worried about a "fox in the henhouse"...but that's whole other issue), but he left all of the housework cooking, grocery shopping and evening care of the kids to his wife. ("woman's work, ya know") So, she would work a full day and come home to "here, its your turn" with the kids and have to clean up after his messy day. He claimed he was too busy with the kids to do anything else during the day. And at night he claimed to deserve a rest. Her weekends were spent grocery shopping, doign chores, and preparing everything for the upcoming week, while hubby did his own thing, completely ignoring her. They moved abruptly one summer, without telling anybody they were going. A couple of years later she appeared on a talk show...and had a different last name. Guess she lost about 200 pounds...of dead weight.
mom & PBP I loved your posts on this thread. I too, am surprised at the amount of moms who work ft in my neighborhood only to come home to a husband sitting on the couch and kids in need of attention.
I would be kicking my husbnad to the curb real quick. I, much like you mom am a bit old fashioned. I am up at the crack of dawn fixing lunches making, coffee and kissing my husband good bye as he lvs for work everyday.I am responsible for dinner and shopping but always have help if I need it. We share the other chores such as laundry,mopping,cleaning the bathrooms and yard work. My husband is very proactive with our children and plays with them just as much as supervises them.
All three were born at home and my husband caught them while a mid-wife overlooked the births. He was by my side through each labor and absolutely loves telling our childrens birthing stories.He changed as many diapers as I did and has given as many baths as I have.
For a man raised in a family where mom stayed home and did nothing but raise children and cook and clean and dad did nothing but work M-F & sat on the couch watching TV all weekend(kids had to be outside or in another room so he was not disturbed)never changed a diaper or fed a baby ....our lifestyle is a huge change..but he loves it much to his father & mothers dismay!
We were latchkey kids too. Things have changed and mom I agree, our children have missed out on quite a bit of the self reliance that we learned while we were out wondering all day long.We solved our own problems,built our own forts in the woods and figured out where to buy the cheepest snacks or best stickers all with money we found or saved and we put our own chains back on our bikes when they came off..I wish our children could spend their days like we did.There was so very much to learn.
I too feel that a 9 yr old is too young to stay with a 5 yr old all day unsupervised. I hope OP that you are able to get through to her for the childrens sake!
I enjoyed reading about everyone's husbands and own experiences as children..too bad we don't have a thread for that ..maybe the ISYN chat room??
blb,
Your husband sounds fantastic. Give him a big (platonic) hug from mom!
Mine, as you read, had to be (somewhat forcibly) brought around to the idea that the kids were both of ours, and not just mine. But we got there, and better late than never. With the example he had growing up, I can't blame him too much..and yes, like your in-laws, mine are aghast and disgusted. And yet, oddly enough, my in-laws have a very high regard for my children. Although they love all of their grandkids, they have made many comments over the years that make it clear that they think ours are the most well raised, well rounded, healthiest, even smartest of the bunch. And they openly attribute this to the huge amount of hands on parenting they recieve. But yet, they still don't think my husband should have had a hand in it1? Oh well, some nuts are hard to crack.
mom and blb,
and isn't it funny for those of us that work from home (45+ hours weekly) and take care of the children at the same time, that the husbands never make a meal for the child, change their diaper, etc. etc. yet when you go through a divorce they are so quick to want custody of a child that they never cared for and don't know what their favorite book is, don't know where they like their teddy bear placed in their crib at night, don't know all the words to their favorite song (I am 16 going on 17 from Sound of Music) etc. etc. etc.
:( sorry just my chance to rant. going through a divorce currently and getting out of an abusive situation. i just think it's funny that the type of lazy husbands you are talking about is my soon to be x and now he wants custody of our daughter. the world is a crazy place.
anon regular,
I'm so sorry to hear that. Yes, it's ridiculous. And chances are that some step mom whill come along one day and resent the child's forced presence in her life...while you are at home missing her during the times she is visiting dad....and wishing she was with you, while step mom wishes she was with you too and dad is off doing other things besides childcare.
Yes, divorce sucks the big one. So there's my bitter two cents to throw into the pot too.
thank you mom, and fran for your kind words.
I am not fighting him on 50/50 custody, just want physical placement which my lawyer says I will most likely get.
thanks for the support!
anon regular, please rant all you want girlfriend! Sometimes that is the only thing that helps when you are going through a divorce.
I wish you strength and courage through all of this.
Taking the first step is hard!
I won't lie to you and tell you that everything will be okay, but I will tell you that YOU will be okay and so will your daughter.
Everything else will fall into place,not always the place we want but none the less into place and you will make the life that you deserve...happen.
My prayers are with you and your daughter. Look to your friends and family for strength and help. Do not go it alone..talking and crying can at times be your best friend.
BTW, the fact that YoU know the favorite songs and meals and schedule will mean so much to your daughter someday. You sound like a wonderful mommy.
As hard as this sounds, try not to focus on the things that her daddy is not but rather all the wonderful things that her mommy is!
(I know you were just ranting)
all my best..pls let us know you are ok every once in a while..K?
hey mom, thanks..yes, I think he is the bees knees!!!I will give him that hug..he will love it! Your comment about your children being the best of the bunch was not surprising at all. You are no doubt a fantastic mom. I am glad your in laws can admit that..that is rare!!
Have agreat day!! evening??(location) and I am going to try and get some dinner started!! BFN
blb,
Did your husband like his hug?
I do have to clarify one thing. I was not implying that my kids are actually superior to their cousins ('cause comparing kids against one another is one of my major pet peeves. I think every child is a gift and God could have given any of us any child, and our job is to love and do the best we possibly can for the ones we are given...but to love them all.)
Anyway, my point was more that my in-laws make these proclamations based on their own subjective criteria, and having little to nothing to do with the actual children. My father in law announced before any of us had kids that my husband and I would have the most beautiful, smart children...and when the kids popped out, really before anybody could tell what any of the children were going to be like, he declared them the most beautiful and smart of the bunch. (While this was certainly meant to be a compliment to us, it was made in comparison to the other kids in the family....soemtimes right in front of them...which I thought unkind and unfair. He once actually held my son up in the air to my sis in law, who had a son of approx. the same age, and asked her "Isn't this the most beautiful child you have ever seen?" Awkward and hurtful to say the least.)
Anyway, my kids being great in all of these areas became their decree once it became clear to them that I was the most "traditional" of the moms out of the bunch. We got off on sort of a bad foot with a longstanding disagreement over the fact that I breastfed (which they felt was for the lower class and also unhealthy for the babies.) Only after my first child grew rolls of fat while exclusively breastfed did they admit that it was probably at least safe in terms of caloric opportunity, and then after my kids all turned out to be strong and healthy did they come around to the idea that it was a good thing after all.
So anyway...I wanted to clear that up. I think all of my nieces and nephews are "the bees knees" too, and I wouldn't want to imply that my kids are in any way superior to them, or any other kids.
mom, I hear ya and also knew that when I wrote my post. You have never presented yourself as a "lets compare our kids to the Jone'ses" kind of mom.
By my remark, I simply meant, it came as no surprise that your children would be admired or would stand out in the crowd. Seems as if you & your husband have provided a strong foundation for them which is usually noticeable by others.
Cheers
Thank you blb. You are so sweet to me.
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