Received Tuesday, July 15, 2008 - Perspective & Opinion
I am so angry, I could throw myself out the window. But I'd have to clean up the mess. So I won't. I have worked for the same family for six months. It has been a pretty good experience. The children are great, the hours are fair, the pay is good and Mom and Dad trust my judgment and let me plan the days and handle the work week exclusively. Last week, "Mom" and I are talking about the children and how wonderful they are. Mom looks longingly at her 'baby' and says, 'she's my last one'. The way she said it seemed sad. Then Mom tells me she is having a "female surgery" on Friday (7/18) and will be in bed most of the weekend and not much fun for the children. I suggest that I could take the children on Saturday to Coney Island for the day. It will be my treat, I say. The mom seems very appreciative. She thanks me and says that would be wonderful. All of this seems just fine right? Today I learned that Mom's 'female surgery' is all about having her vagina refurbished. There is no pressing medical condition. I had imagined biopsies, cancers, hysterectomy....but not a vaginal rejuvenation. I feel like I have been deceived. I am now going to work for free all day on a Saturday ($200 min. loss) and pay for everything ($200 approximately).
92 comments:
uh...live and learn?
(snicker)
Well-I would have NEVER offered it to be my treat if it would cost $200 for the day AND offer free babysitting too? While you were trying to be kind and sympathetic you have royally screwed yourself!! Perhaps you can still watch them but not spend so much money on them??
I agree with both posts above.
V.
Wow. What to say?
This is definately what I would call an "Elective Surgery" ....
I understand you're upset, and you had your heart in the right place. I would feel deceived, too.
Just try to press on ... maybe Hubby is really pushing her to get this? I mean, he's really the only one that will benefit from it.
Next time, try to ask more questions, even if they make you feel uncomfortable, if you know you want to make such a generous offer.
As suggested above, just take the kids on a less expensive outing, and chalk it up as a very valuable lesson learned.
And hey .... I really hope you get a few chuckles about this down the road later, it'll make you feel soooo much better!!
You weren't decieved and you got yourself into this. If you care about the family just have fun on Saturday.
I agree with what nycnanny said - you should not have offered to babysit for free and front the bill for the day, especially if it is going to cost you $200.
In terms of you feeling that you were deceived, I definitely see where you're coming from, but I also don't really agree. It's not as if she told you she was having a different kind of surgery than she was. She was just vague about it, and you assumed it was something serious rather than a cosmetic procedure. Either way, surgery is surgery, and it sounds like you care about the family a lot so you wanted to help out. Maybe next time you could offer your services (paid of course) for the day if the family is in need. Then it's a win win situation -you make extra money and family gets the extra help they need.
I have an aunt who oggerrred to pay for a cousins weddingcake,"but I don't want to see lots of columns and bridges on it" was her remark.
So what, she only wants to pay for the cake as long as she approves of its design?
You only want to help mom and the kids if you approve of the surgery mom is having?
Either offer to help because you care or don't offer at all..it does not matter what kind of surgery mom is having..she will still, no doubt need some R&R and the children will no doubt need the love and attention you have to offer.
I see people who offer things with conditions attatched as very controlling.
It is a nice thing that you are doing.
BTW, I would love to have VR..have you had children? Not all of us bounce back down there!
I did kegals and everything and still could lose my husband down there for a week If I sneeze at the wrong time!
jeesh..more power to her.
Let her fix herself up down there..she will be happy and feel great about herself and no doubt ..her hubby will be happy and what could be better than working for happy employers??
have fun Sat..wish I could go!
I don't understand why you offered to babysit for free. You like, offered to work for free.
I would not have done that unless it was family or close friends. But maybe you all are, I don't know. That being said, it is not really her responsibility to disclose personal information to you regarding her surgery. As the above poster said, a favor is a favor: she will still be on bedrest, so it is a nice thing to do. But you jumped the gun here. Now you need to pay the piper.
Have a Nathan's hotdog for me, K? they're the best...
A lot of women benefit from VRS after birth.(Not just men as implied above.)
I just want to "tweak" my comment some ... because after having read 1:05's post, I feel a little more sympathetic.
She's right. You really can't put a condition on your offer just because you found out what kind of an elective/cosmetic procedure it was. A deal is a deal.
Granted, I would still feel like Mom should've disclosed a bit more Info, but something like this is so very private, I can kind of understand why she didn't.
It is what it is .... go about your day, show the kids a good time, and know in your heart you did a really nice thing, ok?
Besides, this will add to your Karma points.
I think that is great for the mom to do that. If I was ever dumb enough to have kids I would get vaginal reconstruction surgery right after the delivery. Mom needs to feel like a woman again after she got stretched out and lucky for her hubby too. it is a discreet surgery to boost confidence. Not like breast implants or nose jobs. Just a little something.
Nanny you werent decieved. you should feel lucky that you get to spend the day with the kids. And you get bonus points from mom.
"dumb enough to have kids?"
God help us...
Mom should have disclosed more? WHY?? It was NONE of the OP'S business. Mom didn't beg the OP to take the kids for the day; didn't even hint at it. The OP offered, without knowing for sure what the procedure was nor asking. Just because she happened to find out later that it's an elective surgery and didn't approve doesn't suddenly mean the Mom had an obligation to tell her. Would she still have been required to say what the surgery was if it was something serious?
OP, if you truly do care for the family, then go out and have fun. Past that, just don't assume next time.
umass, maybe 2:12 is simply self-aware enough to know she'd be a lousy parent, and therefore, it would be dumb for her to have kids.
Maybe.
Possibly.
But doesn't my rationale make you feel better?
3:09
I'm just saying, for the OP's sake, if next time she makes an offer like this, maybe she should ask more questions.
However, I did say that something like this was so private, I can understand why Mom didn't disclose more Info.
But you are right. Mom had no obligation .... OP offered, and Mom accepted.
Done, done and done.
Actually chick you are 100% right. I know that I wouldn't have the time or sanity to deal wiht kids. I have a quick temper and I find my step-son quite irritating. I am nice and I am responsible I just don't have the maternal instinct. I love my animals and I am happy.
Finally someone can understand what I mean when I say that. Everyone else thinks I hate kids. That's not true I just don't think they are for me.
4:53
You are a rarity. You know your limits, and that you wouldn't be so great with children, so you've made a conscious decision not to have them.
Too bad there are so many crappy Parents out there that didn't have the foresight to recognize that kids may not have been the right choice for them, either.
What I want to know is how YOU know what she's having done exactly?
You know what I would do, I'd take them somewhere cheaper, maybe a museum or even community pool. Tell her in advance though that you overlooked your budget and if its OK if you do something else with the kids. (hopefully the kids don't know yet) Who knows, she might even offer to pay for your expenses. She'd likely be happy to just have them out of the house while she recovers.
The poor woman after all has a sad vagina :)
OP why are you mad. You did open your fat lip and offer for free to help. Mom did not ask you, did she. Live and learn. Dont complain for something that was caused by your stupidity
If my nanny offered to take my child somewhere like that, I think it would make me very happy. A nanny who offers to work on her day off? I might not say so right away, but it might occur to me to offset the cost of the entertainment by sending the child/children with money. I think for you to factor in your lost income is in poor taste. As one of many mothers who reads this blog, we are all looking for the nanny who makes a suggestion like this (regardless of the reason) but in doing so truly shows that she likes spending time with our family. A parent couldn't ask anything more. But here you are dreading it?
Wait and see what happens. Mom didn't expect you to offer. If they ask you if you need money, you could honestly respond, "in truth I didn't realize it would be so expensive". I say this as a general comment because everything has gone up. Find out what admission and parking and gas/train is. Factor in lunch and have a total in your mind that you are comfortable spending.
You should stand by your generous, thoughtful offer, regardless of your judgement. Isn't it for the children, afterall?
rofl @ *sad vagina*, marissa!
I don't agree that OP should now dial down her offer. She made the offer and should stick by it. Saying anything about her budget would guilt any half-way decent person into paying not only for the day but for the expenses. OP, stick to your word, anything less could present a problem in the future.
I don't think the OP gave her offer "conditionally" as some have suggested. The OP made a kind and generous offer because she understood that the employer had to have surgery, understood in the normal sense where surgery is a necessity that one must undergo to avoid or limit a disease when there is no good alternative.
Vaginal "rejuvenation" surgery is not a treatment for a medical condition brought on by vaginal childbirth. Surgery for medical conditions brought on by, or worsened by, vaginal childbirth would be, for example, surgery to improve a prolapsed uterus (or other things). Vaginal "rejuvenation" surgery is like a facelift for the external vagina, where the labia may sag (quite normally) with age, and there are internal things done to the vagina as well.
Some of the posters (or was it just one) that commented said they would love to get this surgery. I find this surgery very distasteful. The OP did not give her offer conditionally. Rather, she gave it with the understanding that the employer was sick or suffering from a disease, only to find out that the employer is undergoing a wholly needless procedure that is purely elective and does not fix any disease or medical problem. She probably thinks the employer is doing a ridiculous thing by subjecting herself to this type of surgery and taking on the risk of possibly dying, just to "rejuvenate" her cooch.
Hi fox
I think they meant "conditionally" in the sense that she thought it was for a serious surgery, and the offer was made. But now since the nanny has found out that it's for something cosmetic, she would likely rescind the offer if given the chance.
I don't think that it was meant literally.
I don't understand why the OP has to take the kids to Coney Island specifically. Does the mother really care where they go just as long as they are being safe and having fun? Why not say you changed your mind about Coney Island and go somewhere cheaper like a museum (many of the best ones in NYC have suggested admission rates, so you can give them whatever you decide you can afford), or a park, or to a movie, or to an outdoor concert? Pick up an issue of Time Out New York magazine or New York magazine, they both have tons of listings for FREE and cheap stuff to do. I agree that you should stand by your offer and try not to leave the mother stranded since surgery is surgery, but this way you can soften the blow to your income.
"Today I learned that Mom's 'female surgery' is all about having her vagina refurbished."
LOL! "Vagina refurbished," is quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever read on this blog!
OP
I can see where you would be initially pissed. When you reflect back over your offer, perhaps you will remember a look on your employer's face. Was it surprise? Surprised at your offer? Did you notice a hesitancy, maybe she wanted to tell you more? But couldn't?
You were a nice person to offer so instantly and thoughtfully. Granted, your offer stemmed more out of presumed sympathy, but you will get over that. That still makes you a very generous person if that was your first and immediate thought to offer to take the children for a day and do something fun with them at your expense. The same children you spend all week with. :)
I would take the children to Conesy Island if they heard that was the plan. I would suck down two iced skim lattes and have the time of my life. It's a Saturday in the summer, you never know how many Saturdays you have left- have a good time.
Children have their whole life to be lied to and have things changed up on them. Be a person of your word and those kids will remember you forever.
Suck up the cost of this day. Maybe the parents will offer you some money, maybe they won't. You said you like these kids. Go out and make some great memories with them. Bring mom back a gift.
Be a good person and let go of the result....
If the kids know about Coney Island and are excited, then I guess you should stick with that plan.
However, if they don't know about Coney Island, I am sure they will be so excited to spend a day out with you doing whatever that is fun and original. I like the suggestions of outdoor concerts or something like that. It would still be a really fun, special day! Especially if yall are able to do something that you can't do on a regular workday/weekday.
i agree with Marissa M.
who has cosmetic vagina surgery? i mean, what could she have done to it to make it look so bad? now i am curiuos.
1:58
What could she have done?
You don't think passing an 8 or 9 lb. baby through something normally the size of 2 fingers is enough?
I'm not sure what anonymous is agreeing with- I'm assuming my alternative suggestions. As I've by no mean questioned/critisized op vaginal rejuvination.
Some woman just have large labias and I heared someone say it pinches during sex- ouch. I've seen a labiaplasty performed by cutting a triangle into the side of the labia and the bringing the 2 sided together. A labiaplasty seems like pretty cool surgery to me! Thank goodness my vajayjay is still picture perfect! I would hate to have to go through that plus its super expensive! Which brings me to another point, she shouldn't be cheap and actually expect you to pay for her kids. Very innapropriate!
I don't see how you were deceived! she said female surgery and you jumped to the wrong conclusions! she never said hysterectomy or anything like that, you chose not to ask and just assumed. And who in their right mind offers to treat a few kids who aren't their own to a day at Coney island? that's pretty darn pricey!
Sorry, this one is totally your own fault!
marissa
you just HAD to describe the coochie, didn't you?
I would also feel a little deceived but if you don't have the money to do it then you shouldn't have offered in the first place. So, assuming you have the money, live and learn, and just do what you said she would do anyway.
I think the idea of vag plastic surgery is pathetic and horrifying. And very anti-feminist/anti-woman (we're supposed to have lady bits that look a certain way after they have delivered children? Hell to the no). I feel bad for this woman that she can't appreciate her body as it is and be proud that it has produced X number of babies.
However, it's none of your business what she's having done. Had she asked you to do this, then yes, you could have refused. But you offered, and you offered before you knew what the operation was. If you don't agree with what she's having done that's just too bad for you.
If you still have a problem then take the kids somewhere cheaper. But you don't get to renege an offer just because you found out a detail you don't like after the fact.
So what you are then saying anonymous is that your husband has to look at your deformed coochie because in your mind woman should be proud that they have a horrid vagina after child birth? Oh boy. That has to be the dummest thing I've ever heard! God gave surgeons the brains to do maintanance! Let me guess you don't shave either because its anti-feminine?
what i don't get is who even thinks of these things? why the assumption that your private parts automatically look awful just because you've had a baby? i mean, let's get real, did they look that great before? a vulva is a vulva is a vulva... lmao!
gotta go!
my vulva is hot...so hot i won't let some kid ruin it. oh no sir, not me!
No Marissa. The dumbest thing is spelling the word dumbest "dummest" LOL. If you are going to call someone dumb you could learn how to spell. Go back to school, sweetheart!
English is my second language... So excuse me for making spelling mistakes and I'll excuse you for being a red neck.
You know what I take my apology back. I know how to spell dumb! I'm commenting from my blackberry and the m key is just a key away from b so go suck on that! Also your nasty comments are uncalled for. English is not my first language so I frequently make spelling errors and its not nice to judge my intellect based on a tipo. How perfect is your second language "sweet heart"?
Uhhhh it's TYPO and I have seen regulars on here say the exact thing to other bloggers, if you are going to call a name at least spell it right!
LMAO
Your blog is freaking hysterical too. Let me guess, you're here on a work or study visa looking for a rich man if you don't already have one. I can't wait until your blog sequel, Confessions of the Trophy Wife.
LOL-redneck?? Because I know how to spell? Hmm. Yea, that makes me a redneck! You got me! I live in NYC in an apartment complex on the UES that you couldn't dream of living in but YES I am a redneck! LMAO. Stop making "tipos" it makes you look dumm!
OK, I'm confused and curious. What the hell kind of surgery is the OP's employer is having? And why is she having the surgery? And yeah, I think the OP's employer could take care of her own children, not have the OP do it.
Wow talk about a super bitch who hates immigrants and all things not american. No I am legally here, married to a man who is not rich. So fuck you and your trashy attitude. So what if I spell things in my second language wrong? Who cares? Go be predigous somewhere else. Oops did I spell predigous wrong? Hehe
Oooh confessions of a trophy wife? Good one I might just use that bitch!
And then there is anonymous who have to personality at all. Losers? Mail order boobs marissa? Hilarious!
LOL @ 3:06. Yea is a common "slang " word for "yeah". it doesn't really matter how it is spelled. It is not even a proper word anyway! Dumb is and dumm is not the slang term for it. LOL. Shithead!
Oh that's right I must live in the us because I'm looking for a rich man. Do you hate everything not american? Go sit in your shitty apartment while I go relax in my back yard... With my "rich" husband.
3:23 here-I meant a common slang word for "yes" .
causing trouble on one post, jump to another and then bang..out of the blue an anonymous poster cause's trouble here too?
I don't think the OP was at all unreasonabe to assume that her employer was having serious surgery. After all, she said that "this will be my last child" and looked sad. I would have assumed she was getting a hysterectomy or something as well, and I live in LA where I hear women at the gym openly discussing G Spot collegen injections.
wow while the shot itself sounds painful..the outcome sounds yummy!!!!!!!!
Yes for $1800 you can get that in your dr office... And no I don't have one!
well, all in all things are good in that area. thanks though for the info. I'll keep it tucked away for a rainy day!
I just had no idea things like that were available!
I think it's hilarious that Marissa can spell bitch and fuck just right and use those words in context but can't spell Predjudiced and dumb. Instead of buying some plastic boobs buy a dictionary baby, it's a lot cheaper and is definitely needed. Then again, the watermelon boobs you get will contrast the pea sized brain you have.
No one could possibly be as unintelligent as you, thee who responded!
A vaginal rejuvenation can be covered as a medical expense when, as often is the case, damage has been done to the crucial muscles in the pelvic area. Often the bladder muscles are involved.
Wake up.
The person who is really dumb is the person who can't figure out when someone uses sarcasm to annoy anonymous posters who hate immigrants. So why don't you go suck on my watermelon tits!
I know how you feel, you were trying to do a nice thing and it blows up in your face...well, not exactly because you shouldn't have offered your services. It took me a long time to figure out that people take advantage of your kindness. You really have nothing to be mad at, she said female surgery and vaginal rejuvenation counts as one...next time don't be so nice!
817pm I hardly consider accepting someones offer to watch their children as "taking advantage of your kindness."
If you offer to do something without any prompting or hinting around from the other person and they accept, how on earth is that them "taking advantage of your kindness?"
Does not make sense. Now if she asks for free childcare for the following 25 Saturdays..then, my dear, that is "taking advantage of your kindness"
Anyhow, op made it clear, if this was a surgery she approved of, there would be no problem and no post.
Control issues!
OP, I understand how you feel. You are going to have to follow through with your offer however, you can't tell the mom you don't feel the same sympathy now that you know what the procedure is, and you can't disappoint the children.
Tell yourself the dad is demanding this, and you are saving the children from the heartbreak of a broken marriage.
Can we please stop attacking each other!
Wow, haven't read all the responses yet but this one has to go down in ISYN classics, heehee!
I agree with those who say that OP made a VERY nice offer and my take is that you should stick with it and not try to waffle out of it or water it down just because you don't approve of the surgery she decided to have. But it would be perfectly reasonable to say beforehand that you just researched the admission prices, didn't realize it had gotten so expensive, and it would really help you out if they could cover the kids' admission. If they are as reasonable as you seem to feel they are, they can't possib;y refuse that without looking like total jerks.
Also, you did make the offer all on yoour own, and perhaps your generosity was a but hasty but really...would you choose to divulge to your Mom boss exactly what surgery YOU were having if you told her you needed a couple days off for surgery (same kind she's having!) and she offered to give you 3 days off with pay?
And btw, where the heck is Mom?? Is she Ok?
Calimom did I see you on Slickdeals the other day?
Never heard of it. Are you a regular there?
Yup! Someone has your moniker there ;) People post good deals they find. I loves it!
Cool, I'll have to check it out!
OK, catching up and from what I've heard of the vaginal rejuvenation procedure (which isn't much, I admit) it's strictly a cosmtic procedure for the outside areas, like a breast lift for the vulva. So I'm not sure it involves any repairing of the muscles, but I could be wrong. I may have to go look it up on Wkipedia, LOL!!!!!
OK, looks like there is laser surgery to tighten the muscles OR labiaplasty, which is strictly aesthetic. So OP, which is mom boss having? Inquiring minds want to know! ;)
I think this blog only moderates discrimination or racism- not whore cows ;)
Only a few comments were deleted, and they were pretty nasty. If you've got something to say, say it without using some of the hardcore profanity. Then I'm sure it'll stay up.
Sometimes younger kids do happen across this site.
Okay, it may not be the most ethical thing, but OP could back out of this offer if she really wanted to...she's not a slave, she is a human being who is allowed to change her mind, even if it does wind up disappointing the mother and/or the children. So if you really don't want to make good on your offer, you can either say that something came up and you can't babysit on Saturday or just take one of the other poster's suggestion to say "After I told you I would watch the kids I realized that a Coney Island trip might actually be a bit out of my price range. Would you mind if we went somewhere else? Either that or you could provide the kids with their own spending money." I mean, seriously, even if the children were looking forward to Coney Island, you can't always get everything you want. They'll get over it.
Hi OP
Could you give us an UPDATE and let us know what happened? Did you take the kids out to Coney, or somewhere else? Did the mom chip in?
can i just say, i am SCARED to have a child now. i thought it was supposed to shrink back to its former size but i guess i am mistaken. wtf? as if gaining weight and all the other bs that comes with having kids isn't enough!
Oh no
Not all women get "ruined" down there. It just isn't true. There is an exercise called "The Kegal" that you can do after you heal up, and not to be rude here, but they really work in tightening it up. (Ugh, I can't believe I just said that! How embarrassing!) LOL
Sorry! I spelled it wrong. I should've checked first. But seriously, look it up!
- cc
I would totally have plastic surgery if I could. I would get a new face, like in that Nicholas Cage movie Face-off. I would fix it so that I looked just like Jessica Simpson.
For all those wondering, Vaginal Rejuvenation is more about the inside of the vagina than the outside. There are other procedures such as Labiaplasty and perineoplasty to improve the aesthetics of the vulvar structures. The purpose of the surgery is to correct the internal structures of the vagina, and many times is described as vaginal reconstructive surgery when done on a non-elective basis. Technically, we have not been told exactly what surgery is being performed for the 'refurbishment', so we all should not jump to any conclusions.
As a disclosure, I am a surgeon that performs these surgeries. I can honestly say that I feel they are 'life changing' for my patients.
What many people seem to neglect here is that this surgery is all about the quality of life for the women who get it. After a few vaginal births and sometimes just the rigors of time, things tend to get out of place 'down there' causing bladder problems as well as a general looseness. The main surgical procedures performed are a posterior repair and an anterior repair. Additionally, the introitus (vaginal opening) is usually tightened during the surgery to complete the procedure. Most people who have issue with this surgery have issue with this last part, if I had to guess, I'd say that they probably have not had many vaginal births and do not have a relaxed vaginal opening. Truth be told this procedure tightens a woman in the inside and at the opening - and although both contribute to a better overall feeling during sexual relations, it is not the only reason that this procedure is performed. I will admit that the increased sexual gratification is a benefit that many women enjoy, but it is not guaranteed. This is not a small undertaking. There is a good 6 weeks of recovery time.
Kegels do work for many women. Additionally, there are even vaginal weights to augment a woman's vaginal exercise regimine. Unfortunately, some women have more extensive damage to their vagainas than cannot be corrected by exercise alone. Surgery is sometimes the only solution.
For those interested, there is plenty of information out there - just search for "Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation".
As a closing comment (which will probably stir-up more discussion), why is it that Medicare will pay for a penile implant for a man who cannot get an erection - for sexual dysfunction, yet won't pay for vaginal repairs for a woman whose vagina is so loose that it remains gaping open all the time and she has to wear a pessary to keep her insides in?
Dr.
Thank you so much for the Information.
Another thing that is really disturbing. Why will Medicare pay for "Viagra" for Men, but now that there are new medications/devices out there to improve a Woman's pleasure and/or performance, they do not get the same benefit?
Very one-sided if you ask me.
Another things that baffles me. Why won't most Insurances cover the cost of weight loss medication?
Because they consider it a preventable condition.
However, they will pay for the Patients High Blood Pressure medicine, Insulin, Cholesterol medication, etc., .... necessary prescriptions for problems that the weight gain causes?
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