Too Perfect a Gig Has Nanny Seeing Things

I think I got myself in a sticky situation.
Let's start with the beginning:
Cut to three months ago, it was warm, no leaves were falling and I was at my favorite NYC park with my three year old charge. I met a woman who was super complimentary about my style of nannying. She was accompanying her friend to the park with twins but had no child of her own, yet clearly pregnant.

She asked for my number. The next day she texted me and said she was nervous as a first time mom and wanted to find the right fit for her first child, could she take me to lunch? We ended up having lunch on that Saturday. She schmoozed and charmed me. She offered me a better salary, better hours and a job. On Sunday, I met her husband and saw the apartment.

Trevor Allen Photography

She offered me some exceptional perks to leave my job, including in addition to a salary of $950 for 43 hours, on the books, she offered 1K cash, off the books to help me find an apartment not too far away. I really liked the job I had, although the hours were long, the pay not as good and it was live in, so I did jump, but insisted to give my current employers notice. I thought that would not be an issue since she was not due until Oct. 5.

My previous employers got very angry at me, let me go with no notice. Told me I was causing irreversible psychological damage to their children and I was selfish. With no job, I told the new employer and she said, "no problem, we'll start you now so we can get used to you and you can help me with baby projects".

So only 6 days after meeting her, I went to work for her. She was as nice in person as during the interview. Fairly laid back. She asked for my ideas about setting up things in the nursery, not furniture, but diapers, lotions, special lights, etc. I washed and folded baby clothes. We went shopping for a second and a third stroller. I got the key to their apartment, got to know the doorman, spent a minimal amount of time with the husband. The baby came Sept. 23 which was early. I was with her, I called her husband, he came and got her. It seemed to be very smooth. She was home the next day, and I met the new baby.

The job seems pretty easy and a good fit for the most part. If anything, I do not do much at all except keep bottles cleaned and organized, schlep bottled water from the store, heat things, wash things, change the baby occasionally, I've accompanied her out to one appointment. This lady seems not to care one bit that I read books and magazines all day. The first weekend, she did ask me to work and so I came Saturday. They let me go at 4 and asked me if I could come back for a few hours around noon. I came back at noon. The father went for a run, the mother took a long bath. I straightened up, restocked supplies. Before two, I was dismissed and given $400 cash for the weekend. (Not even 8 hours).

Now that I have settled, I do notice some things that are perplexing, maybe even worrying. First of all, the last thing I do at night is feed the baby between 5-6 while she is making dinner. Her husband comes home, usually takes the baby from me and I am off. She seems like a really good mom, but she'll say something off the wall sometimes, like, ""her diaper was soaked through again in the morning. I think we're feeding her too much at her midnight feeding". I didn't question her, but why would a baby of that age sleep from midnight until 6AM?

She also has a network of mirrors set up off this window by an alcove outside her bedroom and it direct sunlight to a carpeted area. She said she wants to make sure I do tummy time with the baby there. But the baby looks the wrong way, she will get sunlight blasted in her eye. (This has not started yet. This area was set up for the mom who keeps to herself, doesn't go out much and literally lays on the carpet and takes a rest at some point during the day).

Then there are things like tooth brushing. Even though it's gum brushing, the baby is not even a month old. Isn't this too soon? There are some smaller things to, like, they keep a fastidious house and the baby doesn't move much, but she will just set the baby wherever she is on the ground. I am a bit intimidated by her so it is hard to question her, but this I did. She responded that baby seats are entrapment devices and not normal for a child to bind her spine too. She believes that the baby should be able to have free range and move. She has a really awesome hammock swing that the baby swings in, but it is not a baby swing.  And the mom does a lot of physical exercise and yet she keeps the baby with her all the time, so I have seen her literally hold the baby up for stomach crunches. Is she just bonding and fitting her life to the babies? Or is that dangerous for the baby's neck?

The baby seems happy. She rarely cries. My nanny friends tell me to relax and enjoy this because it's a nice gig. Even though it doesn't seem like much, I feel like I don't do enough. For example, if she is looking at recipes online and puts the baby down on the floor, my inclination is to pick the baby up, but she doesn't want me to. She also hinted that she hoped to be pregnant with her next child by New Year's, so that might explain why she wants me around. I feel kind of like an idiot sometimes.  I did suggest she consider baby wearing and she looked at me like I had three heads. She said that was a convenience for moms who werent committed to their children and that she would seek opportunities throughout the day to hold, carry, lay with, the baby. (true).

Market Rate

I would love to hear from nannies (and parents,) about what the rates, qualifications, and general nanny market is like in the area they are in.

I am a professional nanny & house manager of seventeen years. I have multiple degrees and certifications that are applicable to the industry as well as experience with special needs, multiples, and extremely large families (7+.) I am currently in the Phoenix area and have a base rate of $15/hour in this area (one child with only basic nanny duties.) I am from the NorthBay Area of San Francisco and when I left there a year and a half ago my base rate was $20/hour for one child and basic nanny duties only. In the Phoenix area my pay rate is considered “high end” and the average positions posted with placement agencies and on sites like Craigslist are for positions that are from $20 PER DAY to $15/hr for several children as well as some housekeeping duties.

Email isynblog@gmail.com.

Sister Act

This summer, we used a pair of sisters to cover care for our 4 & 6 years old.  They were recommended to us by someone in our Church. The summer went pretty well. One of the sisters was flawless and one made some questionable choices, lost her patience and misplaced some important things, like a nebulizer.

Things have changed for me and now I have the chance to work full time through March doing what I love. I want to offer the nanny position to one of the sisters. I need to know how to phrase it so that she understands it is for her only. I don't want the sister filling in. This summer I was home most of the time, so when things went awry I could fix things. I was working from home, in the fall I will be working from an office in the city almost an hour away.

I'm hesitant because the one sister is remarkable, but the other sister is the Alpha sister.
Help??

Email isynblog@gmail.com with your questions and stories.

The Beef

I am a Mormon Nanny from Utah. I fly to NYC to interview with a family at the airport! Then I flew home. Two days later I was offered the job.

I fly back out. I was pretty sure I was going to get the job because they liked things about me like that I don't swear or drink or date recklessly, etc.

But I have been here for three months and I have what you New Yorkers would call a beef.

The kids are great. I have no problems with the kids.

I did agree to do light housekeeping. Unfortunately, for me, this has opened up the door to some things that I think are hypocritical.

The mom leaves me her lingerie to wash. It isn't basic, but is odd. One pair of underwear has no crotch and has a whistle hanging to it by a tie. I am too hand-wash those in the bathroom sink. I find it revolting.

I change the bedding. How little do you think of your nanny to have her strip your semen soaked sheets?

I pick up the laundry from the kids after they change because they never put it in the laundry basket. The reason is the mom, she leaves her laundry on the floor for me to pick up. This includes underwear with used maxi pads still attached or blood soaked underwear.

The bathroom garbage can has mini vodka bottles in it most mornings. (1-2) If I don't empty it, what happens if the two year old wanders in there and plays with them, drains them?

The wife also makes disparaging comments about her husband to me or inappropriate comments. For example, she called him a"fucking idiot" to his face and then looked to me and said, "I put up with it because he's hung like a horse."

Here is my question. Why did these people go out of their way to secure a Mormon nanny? She in particular seems to have no values whatsoever. She's a terribly, impatient and narcissistic mother.

I figured it out.

Wait for it.

I thought I was getting a great gig. Room and board and $450 CASH per week.

It wasn't the religion or the morals that they sought but the payrate.

I am really upset not just to find myself in this situation, but to find myself in a situation where the Jamaican nanny next door is making $850!

Rant? Rave? Bizarre situation? Email isynblog@gmail.com.

When the Nanny Won't Make Room for The Soon to be New Wife

Advice please...

I have been involved with a single father (widower) of three children ages 11, 8 and 4, for over two years. We have a long distance relationship, but it is serious, and we plan on marrying next year with me relocating to be with him and his children. The problem is his live-in nanny. She started working for him after his wife passed away. She has been with the children ever since. I believe she loves his kids and takes care of them.

The problem is she does not like me, and has treated me poorly since day one. When I first brought it up with him, he told me she was just socially awkward, and that I was imagining things. As time passed though it became obvious that this was not a manifestation of my imagination, with her becoming outwardly angry and jealous when he and I see each other. At one point she berated him for having "his priorities all wrong", and continued to speak poorly about me in the home. He and I have discussed (and argued) about this at length. He agrees that she is irrational in her feelings toward me and that her behavior is totally inappropriate. He has tried to reason with her but he said she is irrational- and that she would act this way regardless of who he is involved with. Is it just me or is that not incredibly toxic and abnormal?

I have never asked him to fire her, nor would I, but I have told him that as long as he does not establish clear boundaries, the problem will only get worse and we will all suffer because of it. Which is exactly what has happened. It is now at the point that his son, age 8, is recognizing that there is a problem, and that if we marry, he knows his nanny will leave, and that makes him sad. My partner is now worried that his children will resent us (which basically means me) when we blend our families because they will see us (me) as the cause for her departure. My boyfriend is sensitive because he feels the kids will experience another loss when she leaves, which I appreciate and respect, but the dynamic between all of them seems unhealthy as it is and the problem just continues to get worse. He admits the lines of her role in the family have been deeply blurred, she thinks she is the other parent, and that if we marry, she will leave. My concern is that she takes tremendous liberties not so much with the children but with him and his private life.

I don't know of anyone who has ever been in this situation before so am reaching out for advice and help from this community. I don't think 2 years is an unreasonable amount of time to expect him to establish some boundaries with her or to find some other way to deal with the situation. It has effected our relationship in a negative way and, her attitude and actions now so obvious it is affecting his kids. I think he has kept her around based only on his guilt about their mothers death, and perhaps the hassle of finding someone new. Because of his employment he cannot go without someone else in the home to care for his kids.

I do not want to give him an ultimatum to either get rid of her or me, but equally so I think it is terribly unfair to all of us to start our new family with his children blaming and resenting me for their nanny having to leave. I do not know how to get around this issue. All the articles I have found are about the mother (or in my case potential step mother) being jealous of the nanny, but in this case it is the other way around. Has anyone else had something similar happen, and how was it resolved??? I no longer know what to do.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Send your stories and questions to isynblog@gmail.com.

So your daughter loves her nanny, so what?

Delphina Labedan

I don't know what to do about this situation! I am the nanny for three children, two of them are 12 & 15. They don't need me for much. My job is principally to take care of the three year old girl.

When the other children were younger, their mom spent more time with them, but Mom is now in a very tough spot at work and has no time for her 3 year old (or herself).

Last week, they went away for a family vacation, the first since I have been here. It was only a long weekend. The second day, a Saturday, the teenage girl called me and asked me to talk to the 3 year old because "she is crying for you and Mom doesn't know how to make her stop". She came on the phone and cried, "I want you" 20 times. I distracted her, told her a funny story and made plans to make a fort when I saw her again on Tuesday. The conversation ended on a positive note.

The next night Sunday, I got a text from the mom saying "X is having a hard time without you, will you call her at bed time?". I did. The father answered, acted bothered by me and then got the little girl. The mom came on the phone at the end and said, "thank you, but she actually calmed down earlier." I said to call me if there was any thing I could do or anything I needed and she thanked me.

On Monday night I got a text from the mother saying she wasn't going in Tuesday, she was going to spend some time with the three year old, but I should still come and take care of the older kid's meals and driving.  Just to insert this here, I had no problem with any of this. A mom spending time with her child is good in my book.

On Tuesday the mom slept late, so the 3 year old came out to me and stuck with me. She was super happy to see me. The mother rolled out of bed at 10:30 and called out for her daughter. At that time, we were on the floor in the family room playing with dolls. She looked at me and said, "What are you doing?" I expressed that I was confused. She told me, "I took this day off specifically to have a day off with her." I started to explain she came out originally for breakfast. I apologized (although I wasn;t sure for what) and said -Older Son- didn't need to be picked up until noon. She said to me, "Could you just, GO NOW!", I kept my cool and said, "of course." I had to use the bathroom but I grabbed the keys and headed right to the door, the three year old followed and kept saying she was going with me. I told her she got to have a fun day with her mom. Mom was standing right there. The little girl was crying, "I don't want to, I just want you".

The mom is glaring at me. I felt so uncomfortable. I literally had to unpry the little girl's hands off of me and push her  a little so I could shut the door behind me. I heard her banging on the door and crying immediately. I left and went and waited at the gym for the son to be ready. I took him home and the mom and 3 year old were fortunately gone.

I went about my business as usual. At 5:00, I got a text from the Mom saying she would be home in twenty minutes and that I should let the kids now, but could go ahead and leave. She texted "Don't worry tomorrow will be a regular day".

The next morning the mom was nice, but cold to me. I felt like I couldn't engage the three year old how I normally wanted. I didn't want to read to her or hold her or anything until her mom left. I kept telling her to go play and busied myself chopping vegetables.

So here is my question. No one in this scene is a bad person. The mom is actually usually very nice. The two teens are polite and have been raised well. The husband is a nice guy and I'm a really good nanny. Right now, I feel like I am "in trouble" for loving this little one too much. It doesn't feel good to distance myself from her in anyway because I don't know what that does to her head. I want her to feel loved and secure by everyone in the family. I know she lover her mom very much, but her Mom has just played a different role so far in her young life.

Now that it's Friday, the Mom is back fully immersed in her job. Are there any tips you have that I can use to make the situation better? Like if Mom heard me tell her daughter to give her a kiss goodbye, that would probably be upsetting, but if the daughter did get that part of having this wonderful working mom was great hellos and goodbyes, isn't that a good thing?

In the past few days, I am back to myself with the little girl when Mom isn't around. The little girl has told me at least a hundred times that she loves me every day since coming back. I tell her I love her too, but now I feel like what if the Mom heard that?  I wouldn't want to work for anyone who didn't want me to love and dote on their child. I have no issues with the mom or need to outmom her. I would think that was painfully apparent.

Share your experience with isynblog@gmail.com. Always confidential.

The Hungry Chef

Jan Brewerton

     My nanny often complains that there is nothing to eat in the house. I don't understand what "nothing" means. She knows we don't keep soda and chips and ice cream in the house. I feel like we are not in balance nutritionally. I come home and everyday she has made something. Peanut butter fudge, chocolate cake, cinnamon babka, pudding, smores, etc.  I get that she tends to cycle more towards always hungry, but I think all of this baking to feed her appetite is churning an appetite in my own children. We always have plenty of fruits and vegetables in the house. I even left out a recipe book with fun children's treats like insects on a log (celery with peanut butter and raisins). She's even made ice cream (chocolate berry) out of our fresh berries and chocolate. The problem is not that her creations are not good, they are. I would just prefer that my children eat fresh peaches plain, and cut up bell peppers, and strawberries with no sugar.  How can I get her to understand that I don't want my kids to go down this path? Does anyone keep junk hidden in the house for the nanny so they don't bake themselves silly? How does that work out? She is a live-out but works long, 11 hour days, M-F.

Nannies, what's the food situation like at your job? Email isynblog@gmail.com. 

Keeping Mum and Sending Mail in The Hamptons

Estiu_Iv Orlov

I am in the Hamptons with the family I work with. Dad comes down three days a week. It's mom and I mostly. She has a large circle of friends with children 2-10 that her children play with. My job is to follow the kids wherever they go. Even if they are playing at Mrs. Mack's house, I am there. If they are invited to the beach with Mrs. Jack, I go.

I see a lot. One thing I saw that I know I should not have seen is Dad in town on Thursday before he even announced his arrival to his family. I can't use any location specifics because I have a non disclosure agreement so I can't say more, but I saw him on Thursday day with the nanny of one of the families that their children play with. Because of where they were and what I observed, there was no mistaking that they had a physical involvement.

I sat on this morsel of information all weekend and watched Mr. Big as her went about his Dad and husband duties. As a woman, it scared me, because there was not a clue that he had just been finger pleasuring a nanny that he separated from with three meaningful kisses. 1,2,3.

On Saturday, I took the kids to the beach with Mimi, Mrs. Smith's nanny. Mrs. Smith showed up and sat up her chair next to us and began reading. Then my boss came with her chair and sat next to Mrs. Smith and began talking and reading. Next, Mrs. Jones, her child and the nanny that was with my boss on Thursday came to the beach. Let's call this nanny Annie. Annie got in with us and introduced herself to the other moms. I didn't catch any pause or anything, and believe me I was watching. Annie was great with the kids and we made the sort of nanny chit chat that nannies make in front of the parents.

My male boss calls my female boss and they have a conversation, He says he is going to stay over one more night and drive to the city the next morning. We all heard this conversation. When my boss hung up, she said he was staying and she was going to try and get a dinner reservation.  One of the details confirmed the identity of my boss to Annie. Then Annie's whole demeanor changed. She started doting on my charges. Rubbing their hair. She was looking at them all dreamy eyed, I swear like she was imagining them as her own. Out of the corner of her eye, I could see her assessing my boss.

Annie made a big show of talking about taking her charge to see a movie that night and inviting my charges, As an after thought, she invited the other child in the group. My kids were not interested because it is more of a boy movie. She then tried to convince them to go. Telling them it would be so much fun, that they could go get ice cream after.  I interjected that maybe we could meet up for ice cream because I might take them out that evening. This shut Annie the nanny down.

My boss then left the next day for the city and is due back Wednesday night for the weekend. This Annie nanny has been stalking us, I feel. Like, she has a bike and I  have seen her ride past our house very early in the morning. I don't think the situation is dangerous because Annie seems insignificant, especially to my boss. I don't know what he was thinking. I don't see a way for me to share what I saw, especially because the details are crude, and the people would no doubt deny it and I would look foolish.

At the same time, I am feeling very territorial over the kids, the house and my female boss, like I don't want to let her near. So this morning, I went to the post office and mailed a letter to Mrs. Jones at her residence here. It says simply, "Please talk to your nanny. She is throwing herself at married men and behaving like a depraved whore".

Now I wait. I figure I did the best I could with what I had to work with. What would you have done?My boss is totally composed, polished and professional and this nanny is just skanky. Watch your men, women. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I would not have believed it.

I Saw Your Nanny...in the park..breastfeeding...

The nanny for the nicest family in the building is someone I rarely see out. She has a 6 year old girl. I recently saw her at the park during the day with a child of about 8 months. I noticed that she was breastfeeding her. I didn't think any thing of it, until I realized that the 8 month old is not her child but a child that was adopted by the family she works for from another country. Do you think the mother knows the nanny is breastfeeding this child? If she doesn't know, should she know? Why would she be doing this? I know it isn't my business. 

Block Watch meets Page Six

I live diagonal across from "May" and her husband and three children in a neighborhood in Westchester County. My children play with "May's" children. They played more frequently as toddlers. When they were toddlers, May had a great nanny named "June." May is a working Mom and so I got to know June.

My neighbor's children are now  school aged and she has a housekeeper/nanny "April" that still works full days. "April" is June's sister in law.

So here's the scoop, June had one child and then a second. She got married in 2011 and then her husband cheated on her with someone so they are in the process of a very nasty divorce. She wants sole custody of the child and he wants atleast 1/2 custody. This scandalous custody battle has come back to bite my neighbors in the ass because June's husband wrote May a handwritten letter that told her a number of things about June, including that she stole a pair of "canary" earings and that her now 6 year old child is the son of her husband and that May and her husband were having "dirty sex" for atleast a year of her employment.

Because of April's connection to June, there was a huge blow up. (It was the truth!) May was demanding answers from April, specifically, did she know. It became so overblown that the police were called to the home by a third neighbor and April was removed from the house. Literally, I watched the whole thing. May stood outside and spoke to one officer while another went in with April and had her pack up her things. They then escorted her off the property. They seemed to be very nice to her and she wasn't in trouble.

Our neighbor across the street left town with her children for a spontaneous summer vacation. Clearly to get away from the mess. She had been gone since the beginning of July when last week I noticed "June" pull up in a brand new KIA. New as in it still had the dealer plates on it. My children are 9 & 12. They keep asking me when their friends are coming back. I really don't want to spread any rumors but I'm really concerned about what I have seen. The KIA has stayed parked overnight twice last week. Do I tell my children what is going on but it isn't appropriate to talk about it? I think the 12 year old knows there is a woman involved. Do I have an obligation to my neighbor to let her know that in her absence, her husband isn't being punished at all, but seems to be enjoying spending time with his illegitimate son?  I figure she is going to realize that the June was in her house and the way the neighborhood is set up, realize that we would know what is going on. She told me she and her husband were going through a 'rough patch' and that she thought time away with the children would be good for them. As a woman, I feel really terrible watching this all unfold.

I also got some additional information from my housekeeper who is friends with April. May knows that our housekeeper and April are friends because we found our housekeeper through her. The neighbor next door to me, also has witnessed this stuff and says we should confront June, and tell her she was a low life for taking up with a married woman and being in her house. I can say I want no part of it, but I will be honest, it has been some very interesting gossip. When I think of our children playing together as toddlers, backyard cookouts and things, I feel really bad for May. I feel for the children too. And April, who we found our housekeeper through now needs a job like right away. I wouldn't have went through April to get my housekeeper if she wasn't so good, so I know she is good and anyone would be lucky to have her. I don't know what she knew about this situation, but it is her brother that wrote the letter to May.

I feel like I'm getting sucked in and I want to help but don't know who to help and how. Would it be disloyal to May to help April get a job? My housekeeper says April has nothing to do with June.

Challenging situation? Email isynblog@gmail.com.

Looking for Opinions from Those with Twin Experience

     I have a set of identical twins (boys) in my 2 year old classroom. They had a nanny for nearly 6 months; the nanny (my former co worker) ended up walking out on the family after MB brought up some issues she was having with the nanny. The twins started in my classroom at 21 months of age, and it was rough at first, but they have made wonderful changes in the last six months they have been with me. They have April birthdays, and it's clear they are somewhat behind in development; to my knowledge, their old nanny didn't work with them on anything-when they first got to me, I had to show them how to use utensils and drink from an open cup, plus how to clean up, etc. They had minimal verbal skills as expected, and those are slowly increasing. What I am concerned about is their hearing and speech, as they drool moreso than the rest of my class and are having issues listening:

     A few weeks ago, we noticed an issue when it was time to clean up the playground and come inside. We give a five minute warning, then two minutes before clean up. We (my co teacher and I) asked the boys to clean up, and they ran away laughing. We asked them again, and they hid under the climber. This went on due to the older kids in my class (close to 3) doing the behavior. When they transitioned to the 3 year old room, the twins got better, but now they laugh at us when we ask them to clean up, or they smile and will just sit there. Now we guide them into what needs to be cleaned up and to the shape rope. Problem solved there.

Michael Foulkrod

     Other things we noticed are the fact that we call them to the bathroom for diaper change and they act like they can't hear us. Today I had to get M after calling him several times for a diaper change. If we get on their level and explain why they shouldn't do something, they laugh at us when we are being serious. It's like they aren't processing what we are saying to/asking of them and it's like a blank stare. Yesterday, they were playing in centers instead of sitting on the carpet, after being asked to sit on the carpet, verbally reminded to sit on the carpet and shown a picture schedule, which lists center time after coming back in from outside. Our schedule is table time, breakfast, diapers, music movement, group time, handwriting/fine motor, outside. Then comes center time. They heard me ask them to sit on the carpet, they saw me point to the schedule, and they ignored me, as usual. I finally had to bring them to the carpet and make them sit down. A different director believes I shouldn't have them sit and participate in group time, (she thinks I should let them wander and play) because they have no interest in it, and I believe it's unfair to the other kids who have to sit for group time.

     Another thing is separation anxiety: A has to be carried into school by MB, or he won't come in at all. A week or so ago, she was trying to leave after putting M at the table with a puzzle, and M slapped her three times because he was angry with her leaving. They cry for 5-10 minutes after she leaves, and it's difficult to get them seated at the table, because they are both screaming and running for the door to chase after her. I'm seriously tempted to leave them laying on the floor to cry it out. but I also don't know if that's the right thing to do.

     There was one day when one of them was home sick, and the listening was different. When they are together, we feel they don't listen well, and we are thinking that if they were split into two different rooms, the listening would be better. We've talked to M and DB, but they are just like "oh, ok."

     I'm going to ask my boss to come in and observe next week. It's typcial 2 behavior, but it's like talking to a brick wall.

The Best Fit Nanny for a 2 Year Old

NYT -The Best Nanny You Can Buy

We live in a neighborhood in Westchester County where many of the nannies are from the Caribbean, Jamaica, Trinidad, etc. I am looking for a nanny to take over when my mother in law moves to Florida. She has provided the car for my 2 year old daughter. I registered with two agencies and I have been sent a good amount of resumes to look over.

When I imagined hiring a nanny, I imagined her to be American, College educated and very athletic. That is not the norm of the nanny here. Having a two year old child, the nanny would need to make friends with the neighborhood nannies to be involved in their park outings, playgroups and playdates. I haven't seen much mixing of your typical American or English nanny with your Island nannies. The Island nannies also tend to be older.

Does anyone have good experiences of nannies bridging cultural gaps? Or could I find an Island nanny to fit what I am looking for, someone to play on the floor, play chase and hide and seek, read to her multiple times a day, create learning activities and adventures, take her swimming at the Y, etc. I'm lost here. I need my nanny to drive. If I hire the nanny I think I like the best, (assuming she is interested), I would think she would be very lonely here. I know I've been spoiled by having my mother in law provide the care because she raised her son much the same way I was raised, so she naturally did those things I would want done with my child. I have been told by nannies of each group that "nannies are clique-y". Each nanny was refering to another group though.

Seeking Advice on Team Composition...

Victor-Gabriel Gilber

I am looking to fill some jobs at our new home. We used to live in the city. As city dwellers, more people had access to our home, we used two cleaning services. Things were easier to take care of. We are almost settled at our home in Connecticut and I have been interviewing for staff. What I am finding is if I find a nanny I like, she doesn't seem like she would be a good fit with the housekeeper. When they do look like a good fit, it is because they are too much alike and then I wonder if they would compete over who does what. Has anyone had experience in successfully hiring a team of sisters? I was thinking 2 or 3 sisters. My other thought is a couple. But I would want them to be older, and would want the female to do the childcare, which would mean the male would be in charge of the housekeeping. I am really at wit's end trying to find the right team.  I need a nanny to work 55 hours, a housekeeper/laundress and sou chef to work 35-45 and a personal assistant to work about 20. If the personal assistant does the chef prep, then maybe closer to 30 hours. I am seeking advice from people because this is an adjustment from all of us and I would like to install a team that is permanent. I don't want to do this again in a year or even two. Any suggestions? We have three children, two will be in school in the fall.

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When the Fired Weekend Sitter and Regular Nanny Meet Up

I hired a babysitter to work Saturday & Sundays. She worked for us 6 weekends. Things seemed okay. I was home most of the time so I saw how she interacted with the children. Three Saturdays ago, I came home and my son had a quarter size bruise on his neck, right underneath his chin. I noticed it when I went to kiss him goodnight. In the morning, I asked what happened and he said the "Beth squeezed my neck". I had him show me what he meant. I didn't want to believe it but I could see where that could be a bruise from a thumb.

In the morning, I waited for Beth to arrive. My husband took the children in the backyard. I told her I needed to talk to her. She seemed chipper and unworried. I sat down and told her about the bruise and what my son had said. She told me the she absolutely would never squeeze him or any child anywhere, let alone on his neck. I asked how this happened. She said the only thing she could think of is she was putting on his pajamas and he started to run from her, but she said she didn't think it would have pulled on his neck. She showed me what she was talking about. I didn't know what to do. I told her that I needed to speak to my husband. She said, "should I stay here?" I told her that I would call her and I paid her for Saturday and the full day Sunday. She was very quiet and looked very sad, and wounded.

Rosa Comelles

So I called her on Monday and said that I didn't know what happened, but that we weren't going to have her back. She started crying on the phone hysterically and said, "I can't believe you would think I would do that. I work with children all of the time, This is my reputation you are talking about." It took me five minutes to get her off the phone. I told her I only observed great interaction, but as a mother, I could not let an un-explainable bruise go without explanation. To be honest, at this time, I felt really bad and really torn. I was not sure what had caused the bruise.

Yesterday, my weekday nanny took the children to our neighborhood park and the nanny was there. My son went running up to her and gave her a hug. He introduced the nannies and they talked for awhile, never mentioning a bruise. She said she had babysat my kids before. I told my weekday nanny about the bruise and what happened (and asked her not to share it with anyone). She told me that it was weird and that she "didn't get that sense at all".

So, what is my role here? They are going to run into each other, my son greets her and the nannies talk- I am not going to tell weekday nanny to avoid her. The weekday nanny agreed that she might have done the same thing. She said the nanny didn't seem to have any bad feelings and didn't say anything negative. I feel like this is a loose end and I should tie it up?

Unpaid & Unhappy

   

Email isynblog@gmail.com with your stories.

I'm kind of new in the nanny field, I've been working with this family for almost two years. Last summer they took 15 day vacation; I took mine as well the same time ( unpaid) I thought that was ok because I had less than a year working with them they didn't need to pay for my vacation time???? As I said, I'm new in this field. This summer they are leaving for a couple of days and since I won't be "working" they will not pay me those days. My economic situation is different now, and for me, I see every work day in money numbers. I'm a single mom and I'm cover all my expenses.
      Talking with other nannies I realized they all get paid when their families go on vacation short or long ones. I don't know how to approach my bosses, I'm 100% they will not pay for those days; but I want to be clear I'm not happy with this situation. Thank you for your help!

The Too Good Nanny

Rosa Comelles

Hello Everyone.

I have a two part situation and I hope for input from nannies and employers.

The first is that there are times my nanny does something not in line with my parenting philosophy or that I think she should check with me first for and I take issue with it. Sometimes with her, often times with my husband. I want him to hear my complaint, validate it and give me a solution or move on. Not once has he ever validated my problems with the nanny. He responds by saying, "let's not rock that boat', "you know we have a good thing going here" and "I think you're overeacting/taking things too literally, taking things too seriously". Does anyone else experience this? My nanny is wonderful. Yes. But if my mother calls one morning and asks her to meet the kids at the mall for lunch and to buy them swimsuits, wouldn't you think I should hear of it before? I don't require permission, I just want to know what is going on. A text would have sufficed.

The second part of my situation again deals with the nanny. She eats very healthy and has introduced us to some very healthy concepts, stores, etc. We only buy certified organic now. We eat less process food than ever before because of her ideas that she implements on her own. She doesn't need to be micromanaged. An example of something she did wonderful is she bought whole grain bread, organic peanut butter and fresh preserves and made sandwiches, cut them out in circle shapes and froze ten in the freezer. Previously, I'll admit, I let my kids eat the frozen pb&J. So that's great. Something I didn't like was washing out a sippy cup my four year old uses for the car (for spill purposes only) and finding a white powder. When I asked the child what it is, she told me X put powder in her orange juice. So I asked X for clarification. She tells me she has been adding a pinch of dichotomous earth to all three children's drinks for the past couple of weeks. Don't you think I should know that? She explained all of the benefits, but again, after the fact.

I am a working mother and leave the house every day by 730 and usually don't return before 6. Is what I am feeling normal or territorial?

Email isynblog@gmail.com.

When You're Already Underpaid...

     I am a nanny/personal assistant for a family...The son is starting kindergarten in the fall and I am afraid they are going to want to lessen the amount they pay me because of this...here is the reason why I think this is very unfair and I need advice on how to handle it!

Jade Fang

     I have been a daycare provider/nanny for the past 20 years...2 1/2 years ago the family I am with decided they wanted a nanny situation rather than daycare so I took the position and let go of 4 other kids. At the time their kids were 3yrs and a 4 week old. I vacuum, dust, mop and do the whole families laundry 1x per week. I run errands, do preschool drop off and pick up, take them to swim lessons. I also keep them at my house for occasional sleep overs and I keep them for a week every spring while mom goes to New York. I started at $400 a week and am at $450 a week now. I am WAY underpaid and I know this and I think the family knows this but I love the kids so much. This is all I get paid...no vacation time paid, no gas reimbursements, when I take the kids out for a fun day mom pays for food and activities but I pay for my own Sea World and Zoo passes. I work as an independent contractor so I pay all my own taxes and such so the $450 is NOT net pay. Also the sister had a boy last may and he started with me 6 months ago and she pays me separately but she only pays me $200 a week. Although I do no extras around the house for her and do not run any errands or do any shopping for her. If I get sick I have a couple of back up people that I call and then I pay them my wages for the day...none of the parents have had to take more than 2 days off this past year due to my illness or vacation time as I find alternate care for them and pay them my wages.

     So here is my issue....I really love this family but because I am already so underpaid if she says she wants to take some of my pay away due to the fact that her son will be in Kindergarten for 6 hours a day what do I do. I CANNOT afford to have any pay deducted at all....

     Can you get me some advice from your readers??

EMAIL isynblog@gmail.com with your questions and experiences.

Working with the Manny

Val Muhin

     Has anyone ever worked with a manny before? I started a job two weeks ago working as one of two nannies/mannies. The manny has been there since last summer. There are three children. What I am seeing is when it is something fun like taking a child to the movies or the zoo, he is there, but for homework and making snacks and cleaning up, it's me. Between us we are supposed to handle the kid's laundry too. I don't know if this is his year of seniority or what, but he will do things like say, "I started the laundry, can you just process it and put it away". He says he "started the laundry" like he did the lion share!
     The parents have rules about screen time. I know because I just interviewed with him. When I asked the oldest child to come and do X since his screen time was up, the manny turns and says, "we're a little more relaxed since school is almost over" to which I said, "oh okay, I'm just going by what I was told" and he says, "besides I'm playing too, so you have to double it". Are you even serious?
    The middle child is a girl and this morning he did her hair in a really pretty braid. Rather appropriately, I think, I said, "wow, that's really pretty" to which he said, "And you wondered why I get paid more than you?". I think it was a joke, but wasn't it inappropriate in front of the kids?
    When we played soccer in the park, we split it up so he had the two younger and I had the older, who is an athlete. I am not great at soccer, but played with effort. He played so fiercely. I can't even say the boy minded, I mean maybe it is good for him.  He and I got crushed. Believe me, I am looking for redemptive qualities in this guy. I am considering that he may see me as a threat. I would really like to find common ground and get along with him. This job works REALLY well for my schedule, One Friday he gets off at 2 and the next time I do. For the same pay. That alone is a huge in the life of 10 hour days.
     One more example. I was told she preferred to feed the kids healthy foods, no processed, whole grains, etc. So I was suprised when he came in and saw me at the table with the littlest who wasn't eating her turkey sandwich. He whipped up a nutella and fluff sandwich. I was mortified. I said, "I was told to give them healthy, non processed foods" to which he said, "well I don't do the shopping. I fix what's here." He also tells me all the time, "Consider how big of a deal is it. Is everyone safe? Okay, relax".

     

No Good Deed

Update: The Aunt arrived to calm the mother down. They had a huge fight and the mother packed and went to the airport prepared to wait for the next flight. She finally agreed to return to the hotel, but the Aunt was barred from her room. The Aunt stayed with us for three days and then we got her a hotel for two nights. She went home too, but will be back for the wedding. The guest list is now at 122 people. We happily obliged continuing to pick up the tab for the flowers and food, but there will be no swans. Our nanny has been reduced to tears no less than five times, but we do believe everything is set for now. We offered to fly her mother home so she can get some rest. This will help us all out because she has been disruptive and upsetting to our lives. Everything is set for the wedding and we're hoping for some peace in between.

Joan Zilkin

Original Post 5/25/15 10:04 AM 
If I can't fix this mess, I am going to lose a husband! In December, our long time nanny got engaged. We offered her to have her wedding here at our house (property, not inside). Our wonderful nanny was grateful and took up up on the offer.

By March, she had most of the details in place, wanting an affair for 80 people. She had her dress, the menu, the tens and chairs ordered, the cake and the music.

On Thursday, her mother arrived from Illinois and has really caused a lot of problems. I tried to step back initially realizing this was a special day for her mother too and that she had up until now, consulted only me.

The mother wants to in short, add 27 people to the list, place four heavy concrete benches in a semi circle on our grass, add a second band and extend the hours of the wedding. We had decided that the guests could use the bathrooms in the poolhouse where the caterers will operate out of. Her mother had the gull to suggest that we not only allow access to the basement for guests to use the basement bathroom, but we put a sitting area inside for guests in case of heat.  She wants to run extra power through the tents and change the caliber of tent to accommodate ceiling fans. She also wants a raised dance floor. We are not hard people to get along with but she doesn't seem to care that we don't want our lawn destroyed. I know she doesn't care because she asked me about not trimming two bushes until June so that she could have them shaped.

My husband is furious. The nanny is a little bit oblivious because she is excited to see things coming together. I don't know how to handle this without being rude. We agreed to provide the location, a valet to park the cars, provide the flowers and the food. Even the added guests are taxing the food. Because the guest list was relatively small at 80, including our family of 5, we didn't spare any costs on the food. Now, it seems everything I am doing is biting me in the ass.

Our nanny will be moving 35 minutes away after the wedding. She is currently a live-in. She has assured me she will continue working for us for at at least a year after the wedding. Her mother is even attempting to throw a fork in to that arrangement by suggesting that if she were to agree to that she would need "less ridiculous hours" because she will have a husband and home to take care of. My stress level is sky high.  The wedding is still almost a month away, and her mother intends to stay here until the day after the wedding. (6/21). She's at an economy hotel, but I just imagine she can cause a lot of hassle in the next four weeks! HELP!

And that's why no one wants to hire you...

Stanisław Wyspiański

I have an experience to share. I recently interviewed for my first nanny. I went through two agencies, so in essence, candidates were pre screened. I had a strange encounter with one and it unnerved me as a new mom. The nanny had worked as a doula, baby nurse and lactation consultant. She asked me if I intended to breastfeed. I said yes. She asked me for how long. I told her I didn't know I was new to the whole thing. She told me I was going in to the whole thing with the wrong mentality, that breastfeeding through age one was preferential and the only reason to stop early is if the child self weaned dramatically early. This was of course, enough for me to realize she wasn't the nanny I wanted. I sought to wrap up the interview, politely. I let her know we still had other candidates to interview and we were in the very early stages of interviewing. The interview was on Saturday. I received an email from her Tuesday night with no less than 30 breast feeding links and addresses of lactation consultants in my area. She suggested she hoped she wasn't overstepping (really?) but that many new mothers failed to appreciate the benefits of breastfeeding until their second or third child and she didn't want me to suffer that guilt. Then she helpfully added that if I was not medically able to breastfeed that she had connections to breast milk suppliers who sell and donate their breastmilk to unable mothers. I'm in Scarsdale, NY. This all felt REALLY strange to me. I contacted the agency to let the nanny know we had no intention of hiring her and she should not call or email me again. I just wanted to share this. I know I am emotional, but isn't this really invasive and presumptious?? And this candidate had never even been a mother!!

Had any strange interviews lateley? We want to hear about them! Email isynblog@gmail.com.