Approaching and Discussing a Sensitive Situation

After many years, I was recently diagnosed with an illness. Without getting into too much detail, this illness will most likely be terminal. Symptoms including headaches, body pain, extreme weightloss, nosebleeds, hair loss, nausea, and fatigue. For now I’ll be on medication but could eventually require hospitalization. I could live for years or months, it all depends on how rapidly I progress. My doctor, that I trust, has assured me that I can safely keep working at my normal pace for now as long as things stay as they are. I feel comfortable continuing my job as a nanny for now. My question is, when and how should I inform MB & DB of my situation? They are very understanding, good people. MB is actually a cancer survivor and I have been with them since their oldest was 3 months old, he is now 6. I have no desire to plan any major trips or check things off my bucket list. My family is close so I can still spend time with them. I want and need to work.

Infant Increase

I would like to remain anonymous. I work for a wonderful, generous and considerate family in central NJ. I mainly care for a two year old boy and part-time for his 3-1/2 yr old brother before and after his 9-3 school day. My hours are 7:30 to 5:30 Monday - Friday. My question is they recently had another boy and I will be taking care of him beginning in June. MB says she will increase my salary then but we didn't discuss an amount. I was thinking $100 more each week to care for the infant too. My regular salary is $650 per week. I have been using my car to take the boys to school and activities but they are purchasing a van for me to use starting in June. How much do you think is fair for the infant?

Watch your Language

Written by, Daddy Confidential
At 20 months, my son Fox is exhibiting some scandalous baby-talk. No joke: if you point to a wall clock he snappily supplies the word “cock.” We recently bought some pussy willows, the first two syllables of which Fox says flawlessly. But for some reason he refuses to say “willows.” And don’t even ask what he said during Monday’s art class when we made a kite… I don’t want to involve the Anti-Defamation League.

The other day as he reached for my sunglasses, Fox confidently said “gafas”. I commended him for his effort, then patronizingly pronounced the word glasses. His nanny Maria overheard from the kitchen and timidly offered that gafas is in fact Spanish for glasses. (Maria wears her gafas on a granny strap, from which they dangle about her bosom.) Holy frijole. My son is bilingual. Since Maria is only part time, my wife was initially concerned that occasional Spanish would confuse our son – and maybe even delay his speech. I figured that for babies, all languages are foreign (or native, depending on whether you see that glass as half empty or half full). It seems to be working out. Maria speaks to Fox solely in Spanish, and he appears to understand everything she says. Granted, besides gafas Fox’s only Spanish words are a few numbers, plus gracias and naranja (orange). Wait, can I count no? Maybe that’s a stretch.

In our neighborhood it’s fashionable to hire a nanny from somewhere exotic. The hope is that an unusual second language will distinguish your child on a school application. It’s even more fashionable to procreate with someone from an exotic country (assuming it’s not the nanny). My wife’s friend married a Japanese chick and at 18 months, their daughter Magnolia barely speaks a word. But she holds back with such assuredness that you know she’s already fluent in both English and Japanese. She’s just biding her time. Talk about a triple threat: English + Japanese + she’s adorable.

As a college Russian major, I always intended to speak the language of Dostoevsky to my son from birth. But like a bad tennis stroke, there was no follow-through. So while Spanish may not be as interesting, it will almost certainly be more useful. And the early exposure to a second language is wiring Fox’s brain in all sorts of developmentally salubrious ways.

When I lived in Russia a friend teasingly told me the following riddle (translated for your benefit): “What’s the word for someone who speaks three languages?” I answered, trilingual. He continued, “What’s the word for someone who speaks two languages?” Bilingual. “And what’s the word for someone who speaks only one language?” I thought for moment, but couldn’t think of an applicable word. He smiled and said “American.”


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To read more Articles from Daddy Confidential, please visit his Blog: http://daddyconfidential.com/

Beware of Fabiola from Chicagoland

I am the neighbor of two lovely girls in the Chicagoland area and I just found this website. I wanted to let you all know that I witnessed abuse to both of these girls from a nanny by the name of Fabiola -- several times hitting, yanking the arms of, and insulting these two poor children. I let the parents know and they fired their nanny... but please be aware if you are hiring part-time or full-time nannies in the Chicagoland area... I would hate to see anyone elses children suffer like these two did.

Back-Biting Parents Should Give this Poor Nanny a Rabies Shot

I am going to keep this brief. I've been with a family for 7 1/2 years. During the past year I have watched their marriage crumble. The arguing, sniping and back biting are awful! It's hard to believe this is the same couple I met years ago. The oldest child is now in counseling (she's 10) and the youngest is just a baby and is not aware. The parents are in a stand off, neither will leave without the kids. So they still live together. The problem is I am getting pushed and pulled between the 2 of them to take sides. I refuse, but it is getting harder and harder to work there. They are making it unbearable for me! What should I do?

Is it ok to Intervene Between Father and Daughter?

I'm working for the most amazing family ever. Thoughtful and kind parents who are both physicians. The toddler is super well behaved and the baby is adorable.

Today I came in and the little girl told me her dad pulled her hair with the brush while brushing it and then pushed her down. Mom was nearby so I quickly brushed it off. When we got to the car to drive her to school I asked her to tell me about it. Without going into too many details, basically she was whining and didn't listen to her dad and then went into her room where baby was being put down to go to sleep and she disturbed the dad and baby. Dad got upset, yelled at her and pushed her down and closed the door. This morning she was very sad and cried a lot. She didn't even want to go to school. No, I'm not calling cps. Dad got upset and she did not injure herself. He always treats her well. Now if I notice a trend and this happens again I will reconsider.

My question simply is: what do you say to a child who is 4. I told her - Evan, I am really sorry this happened. It should not have happened. I know your dad loves you but it's not ok. I asked her if it has happened before to her or mommy and she said no. I also told her that if it did happen again to use her words and tell dad violence is not ok and he needs to use his inside voice and words to express his feelings. And that he hurt her feelings. She is incredibly smart and articulate and is capable. I also discussed with her the fact that she didn't listen to her dad - she described a few incidents leading up to the incident involving whining and disobeying him. Listen this is his fault, he needs to not allow her to whine and then she will listen better. It works with me! And if they did preventative behavioral guidance this would not get to the extreme. But she needs to listen to dad as well. I was very delicate in not blaming her however.

Did I tell her enough? I followed through with several hugs and kisses. And verbal reassurance that mom and dad love her sooo much. Did I do the right thing?

Will New Addition to Family be Ruff on Nanny?

I am curious what other nannies have done if there is a new puppy in the home. I have been a nanny for this family for about 2.5 years and things are great. I am highly educated and considerate, as are they. I truly love my job. That said, I was recently informed that there would be a puppy coming into the home. While I have no issues with helping out, I don't want it to become a situation where I will have to take care of the new puppy plus the two kids. While the dad says that he will be staying home often (working in his upstairs office) with the puppy, I can see this becoming problematic. Has anyone ever dealt with this before?

Parents Cast Milestones at a Pay Raise

I need advice from fellow nannies and employers. I have worked with a family for over a year, so when my annual review came up, I expected both a cost of living and merit raise. My work load has increased in the last year, as I have picked up an extra day of work and basically do anything the family asked with no increase in my salary. At my review, the family decided they do not believe in giving raises unless merited. Their proposed solution to this was they will give me raises if the children reach selected developmental milestones, i.e. potty trained by 18 months. They asked me to propose certain milestones for them to take into consideration. I would like to know if first of all, you think this is an appropriate way to prove merit, and if so, what milestones you suggest. Thank you!

Aloha!

Just wanted to know if anyone knows the average salary of a live-in Housekeeper/nanny in Hawaii? I have a degree in education and was a live-in governess for 1 1/2 years. I also have 2 years of experience as a housekeeper, 5 years as a cook in a camp setting, and 15 years of overall childcare/teaching experience.

Appleseeds - NY, NY (UPDATE)

I have to follow up because it happened again. Today is Friday, March 9th. Your nanny was at Appleseeds with your kids around 5p and the younger one got hit above his right eye (around the eyebrow). He was crying and your nanny was nowhere near him when the incident happened. The older one is old enough to walk home, but the younger one rides in a grey & orange MacLaren techno XLR stroller. You really need to re-evaluate this nanny. She is nothing if not negligent. You can even ask the staff at Appleseeds.
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(Original Sighting: Thursday, March 8)
I have seen this go on too long and I feel like I have to say something. Every afternoon, I take my toddler to Appleseeds to met up and play with his grandmother. While the two of them are having a grand old time, I am able to look around and observe the nannies who are there with their wards. Some are very loving and engaged, but many are just sitting and socializing. The worst of them all is this one nanny who completely ignores the two boys she is there with every day, to the point that the younger one is constantly getting into fights with other kids and menacing them.

Your two boys are adorable, huge brown eyes, cute brown hair, very active; the younger one (around age 2.5) has an adorable mop of lighter brown curls and his older brother (maybe 5 yrs old? He is tall) has sleek dark hair in a stylish, longer blunt cut. Your nanny is overweight and of south Asian ethnicity. She was wearing a purple and lilac striped cardigan this past Monday, and a mustard colored top on Tuesday. I forget what she wore yesterday -- sorry -- but it was a travesty that she had the two kids locked up inside Appleseeds when it was almost 60F outside and everyone was at the park (we came into Appleseeds just to wash our hands and do a diaper change -- the place was almost deserted).

Your nanny is always just sitting in one corner or along one wall, talking with other nannies or staring off into space. Your youngest one got into a huge fight with another kid yesterday and the Appleseeds staff had to intervene. She had no idea what was going on because she was in a completely different room from him and he was in tears in the other room! I can understand that she can't keep an eye on both boys at once, since they are all over the place at this age, but she really should keep better tabs on the younger one since the older one can handle himself pretty well (he is rambunctious, but not a danger to other kids); your younger one, however, I have seen start several fights and he is always grabbing toys away from other kids. I have observed this here and there for well over a month, but since I started going to Appleseeds every day at 4p two weeks ago, I have been able to observe your nanny's behavior being this way day in and day out. Yes, lots of nannys just sit along the wall and talk to each other, with no idea of where their ward has gone; she, however, is the worst offender in terms of completely ignoring the kids she's supposed to be taking care of. Mind you, her behavior is also breaking Appleseed rules.

I hope that this reaches the parents of those two handsome little boys. It would be a shame if they, or some other kids, got hurt because of this nanny's negligence. I also don't see why she doesn't let them play outside on an afternoon when it is so beautiful. Today (Thursday, March 8th) is supposed to be 60F outside and if I see her with those two kids locked up inside Appleseeds again, I feel like I should say something to the staff about informing their parents about this nanny.

Quasi-Bad Nanny Sighting

(The beginning of the following Submission was cut-off. If the Reader that sent the letter in would clarify, it would be much appreciated.)
... under the age of one), and she came over and moved her boy away by grabbing one of his arms and pulling him across the playmat. He wasn't upset, and didn't seem hurt by it, but you cannot do that to an infant!! She could have easily pulled his arm out of his socket, and if she did it this one time, she probably does it often. There are many other things I could say about this nanny, but really the point of this post is to ask you all if you really think parents are oblivious to how their nannies care for their children? One week, this nanny had their grandmother with them, and acted the same way. Every time I saw them that week the grandmother was playing with them, and their nanny was on her phone - so clearly she saw what I see every week.

I could post all the specifics needed for a "bad nanny sighting", but I truly can't imagine the parents not already knowing what I know. To be honest, I don't think she is a bad nanny, I think she is a lazy nanny. She is an older woman, who is not passionate about children, or her job. It makes me very sad, especially because her charges are sweet little guys who would benefit greatly from a nanny who would actually talk to them. I'm sorry this is so long, with so little information, but I really am just wondering - are parents truly oblivious?

Nanny Makes Huge Trek with Parents Move

Hello fellow nannies and MB's I need some advice. I currently work for a family that I absolutely ADORE. They are in the process of closing on a new home and moving thirty minutes away from their current house at the end of the month. I want to stay with them.. they have asked me to and I agreed. We still have to chat about more pay, hours.. etc., so this is where I need advice.

It usually takes about ten minutes to get to their home now which means I will be driving about forty minutes one way to get to their new home. Taking the time and gas money into account how much of a raise should I ask for? Also, their son is in a private preschool class and they want to keep him enrolled to finish out the school year. Which means I will be driving to their house (40 mins) back to child's preschool (same city I live in) back to their house and then back to the school for pick up three times a week until June. I think this is too many miles on my vehicle. I currently take home 1,200/biweekly. I drive an SUV that eats gas like crazy.. I'm estimating I'll spend well over one hundred bucks/paycheck just to get to and from work which does not include pick up and drop off to preschool. My car has 130,000 miles on it currently and the added miles make me feel uneasy. Any advice?

Nanny Wants the Ability to Leave Without Hostility

No matter what we do for a career or where we work, there comes a time when our time is up. Our work environment rocks, and we don't picture ourselves leaving. However, all good things come to an end-even in the world of early childhood education, from the nanny and teacher's worlds. An understanding boss, wonderful families, and adorable children who hold our hearts with their smiles and laughter keep our feet planted firmly where they are, making it difficult to say goodbye to those we love. Whether one is a nanny or teacher in an early childhood classroom setting: the nanny family and co-workers, along with the children we care for, become family.

Here's my situation: I am a college student majoring in early childhood education, currently working at a childcare center where I have been for 3.5 years. Throughout the 3.5 years, I have seen children and families grow. I have seen my co-workers get engaged, married, give birth, and go through break-ups. We are a family, and if someone asked me in an interview why I don't like my job, I wouldn't be able to answer the question honestly, because I love my job and my co-workers. In addition to working at the center, I also nanny one day a week.

I feel like my time has come to an end at the center, and I am actively seeking new opportunities. MB gave me a compliment last week: "it feels so good to have someone I trust who can take care of A and really understand her". (A is a special needs child.) MB's sister adores me: she asked me to babysit for her in a few months for an event she and MB are taking part in with DB. I told MB that if she ever asked me to nanny for her part-time, I would do it in a heartbeat. MB is a SAHM actively involved in her children's lives, and we share some of the same interests. Overall, I think we have a good relationship. MB's sister and I are also on good terms: MB's sister has high energy kids, and the first time I babysat for MB's sister, her sister asked me jokingly if her kids scared me to the point that I wouldn't come back and babysit if asked. I started laughing, because MB's sister would ask something like that, based on her sense of humor, which is similar to mine. I feel blessed to have A, her siblings A and A, along with MB and DB, plus MB's sister and her family in my life.

MB and I haven't discussed summer plans yet, in terms of whether I will be caring for A. Due to MB's sister having a large family and being a WAHM, I could see MB's sister needing potential help getting kids here and there during the summer. Here's the thing: MB's sister brings her daughter to my center for 4K, so she knows my boss. My reasons for leaving have nothing to do with my boss or co-workers. How would I bring up the subject of being available during the summer on a part-time basis to MB and her sister if they need more help without dropping the hint I am leaving the center? I would like to leave quietly, without hostility and a bad reference from my boss, as I need the reference. Any thoughts?

Should Mom Throw Out Nanny That Threw a Fit?

I want to start by saying that I LOVE our Nanny. She has worked for us for over 2 years and looked after my youngest (4 month old) since she was born. The children adore her, she gets on with my husband and my parents and until today I have always always felt comfortable and confident in her.... until now I had never heard her so much as raise her voice to my children and I was always in awe of her firm but fair way with my children.

Yesterday, I was on my way home from a meeting to grab lunch, thinking that she and my kids would not be home as they were meant to be at a music class... BUT, they were home and as I opened the door, I jumped out of my skin to hear her literally screaming at the top of her lungs at my 2 year old! I stayed where I was and she continued, unaware that I was even there. She threw one of the kids chairs to the other side of the room, called my child a messy pig and continued to throw books and toys around while screaming her lungs out. Both my children were crying. I came in and she got a HUGE fright. She burst into tears and told me she was not coping so I said to her to take the rest of the day and I called into work to say I would not be back until further notice. I then called my friend at the music class to see if she thought we could still make it if parking was good and she informed me that she had not seen our Nanny or my children in weeks, all the while our Nanny had been telling me each week what fun the class was for my children.

What am I going to do?? My husband says to let her go and not look back but I cannot just turn my back on her after she has been such a big part of our lives. If this is not a once off I am worried that I have been one hell of a bad Mama missing the signs but for the life of me I can't pick any. I loose my temper, of course we ALL do! But throwing things shows a complete lack of control.... What do you all think?

MB's Tacky Sister Takes Advantage

I work as a part time nanny and take a lot of occasional babysitting jobs. I used to work for a wonderful family, and I still work for them on occasion. The mom asked me if I could give my number to her sister, in case her sister needed a babysitter. I agreed, I had met her sister a few times, but didn't really know her.

We spoke on the phone about a month ago about a weekend she was going out of town. She has a 6 year old daughter, I was going to stay with her from Thursday afternoon to Monday morning. We exchanged a few emails and worked out the details. She mentioned that she didn't have much money (SO tacky when they do that!!), but she offered me $12 an hour while the child was awake and $30 for the overnights. I agreed to that, and she also said there would be times when her daughter would be at her grandma's so she wasn't sure the exact times. I asked her to email me when she knew the times and days she would need me.

I didn't hear back from her. I turned down other jobs for that weekend in order to save it for her. A week passed with no email, so I sent her an email and left a voicemail asking her again to pin down the times. Another week passed with no response. When I finally got a response, it was a voicemail and she said, "oh, sorry, I meant to call you, I am canceling my trip so I won't need you after all." I was very annoyed that I had turned down those other jobs, probably losing out on $100-$150. Then she called and left another message saying she might need a babysitter for sunday. I said I would do that, and asked her to let me know the starting and ending time. A few days later she called back, said she wanted me to come early Sunday morning and stay all day, overnight, and take her daughter to school the next day. Again she whined about not having much money, she asked if I would do the whole day and night for $100.

I feel like this woman is jerking me around and trying to take advantage of me. If this were some random person I was considering working for, I would probably tell her I couldn't do it after all, or tell her that I already lost money because I saved the weekend for her, and I need her to stick to the price she quoted me. But since she is the aunt of one of my favorite kids, and the sister of one of my favorite MBs (not to mention a great reference!) I don't want to do anything that will make me look bad. The family I worked for never ever pulled anything like this, they were fantastic to work for, and never tried to take advantage. I'm not sure if they know that mom's sister is like this, or if they will just think I am being greedy. How should I handle this?

Should Broke Nanny Revoke Loyalty?

I would like to ask my fellow nannies and employers a question. I have been part-time with a family and just became full-time with them almost a year ago. When we sat down and talked about a "contract" and all the odds and ends of the job, things were discussed. My employers had said they would give a bonus for Christmas (of course) and depending on the bonus they received I would get another one in March. I am a student and a full-time employee of 60+ hours a week. I would have to say I go far upon my duties and do a lot of extra things. I take initiative to do extra cleaning and grocery shopping and do special children parties and activities. I would like to think that the bonus is well deserved. I know the economy is down and I am sure that my employers bonuses are also suffering. So my question is.... Do I ask them if they don't give it to me at the end of the month? Do I let it go because it was not promised? I could really use the money!!! Please help?!?! I have received many other offers and I turned them down. I do not know how long I can keep loyalty when I am broke! Thanks in advance.

Hello From New Zealand!

Hello, I have been following your blog very cool! I am from New Zealand and am desperate to move to N.Y next year and fulfill my dream of being a nanny. I will have completed my Early childhood degree by then, so will be qualified. I was wanting to know if anyone knew how I go about finding a job without doing the au pair programme? I do not have a US passport or visa... I am unsure who to even talk to about getting these things. Any help would be greatly appreciated, thanks sooo much :-)

Divorce and Visitation Situation

If you've worked with a family who has gotten a divorce how was visitation handled? I'm wondering more how the summer will go when the non custodial parent has their summer time. Did you work during that time? We're you expected to watch the kids at the non custodial parents house? What about during the holiday breaks? When the non custodial parent has visitation during the week and weekends, were you the one that handed the kids off? If you did/do, is the person picking the kids up allowed in the house or do you have the kids ready and waiting at the door? Any other advice you can give me except to stay out of the fighting between the parents?

Flight Insight

Dear isawyournanny,
This is the situation that I am in right now and I would like to know what others think. Thanks for taking care of this wonderful board. I've been reading it all last night. :)

I started working for a wonderful family a couple months ago. Everything is going smoothly. No complaints at all. Two wonderful toddlers, the parents are great, pay is very good, too. Now MB has asked me to travel with her and the kids for five days, which includes a weekend and two long flights. On vacation i will work the same hours that i usually work, just additionally on Saturday and Sunday. She said she will pay flight and meals, but other than that she asked me what I would charge, and I honestly don't know what to say as I've never been in this situation before. I've done some research and found various rates, some seem to be very low, others ridiculously high.

Now my question is, what would you say is appropriate? I don't want to be greedy, nor do I want to ask for too little. After all, I give up my weekend and will work twelve days straight, which I don't mind. It is just something that needs to be taken into account. MB has always been fair, and I don't expect anything less now. I know I am very lucky. This is why I am careful as to what I am going to tell her. Any insight would be helpful. Thanks! :)

Appleseeds - NY, NY

I have seen this go on too long and I feel like I have to say something. Every afternoon, I take my toddler to Appleseeds to met up and play with his grandmother. While the two of them are having a grand old time, I am able to look around and observe the nannies who are there with their wards. Some are very loving and engaged, but many are just sitting and socializing. The worst of them all is this one nanny who completely ignores the two boys she is there with every day, to the point that the younger one is constantly getting into fights with other kids and menacing them.

Your two boys are adorable, huge brown eyes, cute brown hair, very active; the younger one (around age 2.5) has an adorable mop of lighter brown curls and his older brother (maybe 5 yrs old? He is tall) has sleek dark hair in a stylish, longer blunt cut. Your nanny is overweight and of south Asian ethnicity. She was wearing a purple and lilac striped cardigan this past Monday, and a mustard colored top on Tuesday. I forget what she wore yesterday -- sorry -- but it was a travesty that she had the two kids locked up inside Appleseeds when it was almost 60F outside and everyone was at the park (we came into Appleseeds just to wash our hands and do a diaper change -- the place was almost deserted).

Your nanny is always just sitting in one corner or along one wall, talking with other nannies or staring off into space. Your youngest one got into a huge fight with another kid yesterday and the Appleseeds staff had to intervene. She had no idea what was going on because she was in a completely different room from him and he was in tears in the other room! I can understand that she can't keep an eye on both boys at once, since they are all over the place at this age, but she really should keep better tabs on the younger one since the older one can handle himself pretty well (he is rambunctious, but not a danger to other kids); your younger one, however, I have seen start several fights and he is always grabbing toys away from other kids. I have observed this here and there for well over a month, but since I started going to Appleseeds every day at 4p two weeks ago, I have been able to observe your nanny's behavior being this way day in and day out. Yes, lots of nannys just sit along the wall and talk to each other, with no idea of where their ward has gone; she, however, is the worst offender in terms of completely ignoring the kids she's supposed to be taking care of. Mind you, her behavior is also breaking Appleseed rules.

I hope that this reaches the parents of those two handsome little boys. It would be a shame if they, or some other kids, got hurt because of this nanny's negligence. I also don't see why she doesn't let them play outside on an afternoon when it is so beautiful. Today (Thursday, March 8th) is supposed to be 60F outside and if I see her with those two kids locked up inside Appleseeds again, I feel like I should say something to the staff about informing their parents about this nanny.