Friendly Drug Chit Chat Has Mom Up All Night

Ann Divito, 1st Place, 7th Grade, St. Athanasius School

I have my first nanny ever, after four years of daycare. Against most of my mom friends, I became very friendly with her to the point that I shared stories of meeting my husband and college with her. She has shared stories of dating life and going out with me. Some of it is wild, but doesn't usually involved me. She is a live-in nanny.

We were talking on Tuesday afternoon about her weekend and she started talking about heroin,. I have shared with her that I tried marijuana and cocaine in college (and liked neither). She shared basically the same sentiment. When she said heroin, it was with the same tone, but I immediately tensed up. She told me she didn't understand why so many people overdosed on heroin but after she tried it on Saturday, she gets it. She then went on to talk about a high that was so great she couldn't help but imagine the next time and explained she thought people overdosed because they feared not getting that "beautiful high".

I feel like a hypocrite, but I can't look at her the same. The fact that she spoke  so glowing of it and told me that she "wouldn't do it again because she knew it was addictive, but couldn't help imagine what the next time would be like, are all highs the same." These are words to me of someone who has been turned on to heroine. While it happened in the city and she stays away on the weekends, I don't know how to handle the feeling that it has brought up in me. I feel I am looking at her pupils, asking more about the plans. I called three times today. I don't know if talking is necessarily the answer because she might just say what I want to hear, when before I believe she was being honest.

At no time did I ever try any drug or even alcohol while I was in charge of any children. I was in college, I was free. I don't see it that way. I'm worried about what if she brings something back with her, what if she starts using pain pills. What if heroin acquaintances start talking to her during the week or know where she lives/works.

What are my options here? I really just want her gone. I didn't sleep last night. I arranged to work from the house tomorrow and go away for the weekend leaving Friday morning. The nanny has been with us 9 months. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

The Princess

     Let me start by saying I have been a professional nanny for over 10 years. I have worked for high profile and celebrity families. I am now in a new situation and I don't know how to go forward with it.
     Again, I find myself working with someone with big $. A former celebrity type. Young wife. They have a son who is five and a daughter who is 2. I am the nanny for the 2 year old.
      I know it is normal to call a little girl, Princess but these people say it like they mean it. They are raising her on purpose to be nasty and judgmental. I take her to a playgroup on Monday mornings. It is a drop in 2 hour playgroup. I leave her and go run errands. She always comes home with a note. The notes say things like, "1 diaper change, ate cheerios and apple juice and refused to share toys."
      I know she's two. But this family doesn't believe in teaching her to share. The father HIGH FIVED her with that note. They have let me in more on their parent strategy since working and I don't agree with it. I know I don't have to agree with it. I know I am the nanny. Thank you for that.
     When it comes to breakfast and lunch, I have to ask her what she wants for her meals. It's totally okay that she says "waffles" and I make her waffles with syrup and butter and she says, "no waffles with peanut butter" and then I make waffles with peanut butter and she says "just yogurt." I seriously make 3-5 breakfasts and 2-3 lunches. It is even harder because Mom and Dad are basically always around. They do what they do. "Consult" but they are always present.
     The little girl told me "Cut strawberries for me" and I said, "I'll cut strawberries for you, can you ask nicely?". Her mom says, "You don't get what you want in this world by asking nicely.".
     Since the parents are often around, it is hard for me to do things like give the 2 year old a nap. She gets tired and then over tired. Her parents tell me, "when she's tired, SHE will let you know". I feel like this 2 year old girl is my boss.
     I've gone places with both children, the other nanny and the parents and I am totally skeeved by what I see. The other nanny and I got in line with the kids to get on a carousel. The line wasn't that long, but there were about 30 people ahead of us. The father walks ahead of everyone, talks to the ticket operator and then waves us ahead. Everyone was giving me dirty looks. I wanted to apologize to the people as I passed them and their kids.
    The Mrs. caught me apologizing before for the 2 year old at Whole Foods. She said, "what are you apologizing for?" and "don't ever apologize for my child. That's one way to meet your maker.".
    I am a live-in nanny. Both parents are completely intimidating. I just want to sneak out in the middle of the night but my bedroom is up on the third floor. I wish I hadn't moved in with all of my stuff. I feel totally trapped. I don't mean this as a figure of speech. I mean I feel trapped. Help.

Situation? Rant? Sighting? Email isynblog@gmail.com. 

     

Help calculate a fair wage for a part-time live in nanny.

Hi there. Hoping your readers can help me to calculate what would be a fair wage for a part-time live in nanny.

Here's our situation: My children are 5 and 7. We've used Au Pairs for childcare with the exception of about a year after my first child was born when we had a live-out nanny. We moved into a house that worked well for having an Au Pair and my husband wanted the kids to learn Spanish (they didn't). The Au Pair's room is on the daylight side of our basement so her room has a lot of light. The space includes a small living/sitting/TV room area and kitchenette which leads to her bedroom and en suite bathroom. There is a separate entrance if desired (although none of our au pairs ever used it. We do need to walk through the living/sitting room area in order to access the laundry room but otherwise it's pretty private.

We have enjoyed hosting Au Pairs and have almost nothing negative to say about the experience but next school year with both children in school full-time we only really need 10-15 hours per week of childcare....primarily a daily after school gig from 3:30-5:30 or 6:00 which might include shuttling to lessons, etc. We'd also like the flexibility for an occasional very early morning (I work with Anesthesiologists and sometimes our meetings begin at 6 am and if my husband is travelling I need someone on duty from 5:30am until the kids can be dropped off at 7. This happens about twice per month).

The Basket Maker's Wife

How do I calculate what to pay a live-in in this situation? We posted at the local University to gauge interest and have had a lot of responses (I think it's a good gig for Grad Students) but now I'm getting ready to do some interviews I want to have an idea of what we should be offering in terms of salary. I would pay the nanny the same amount weekly regardless if she worked 10 or 15 hours and on the books and thought if she ever did additional work (a date night or that kind of thing) I'd pay her cash for that.

Please don't bash me...I have no idea...but is it customary to estimate what the rental rate would be for a live-in situation and deduct that from a salary? Or just pay a lower rate per hour?

We usually pay $15-$18 for adult sitters ($10/hr for high school students). If I assume up to 15 hours per week that would be $225-$270 per week or 975-1170 per month. Should I then subtract some kind of "rent" calculation? I checked Craigslist and I think in our area for a shared room situation this space would be "worth" around $600 at the low end. So should I offer the weekly rate minus $150 per week? That seems really low but it's also not a lot of hours. We'd also be open to having this person work full-time over school breaks and the summer if she is interested and would adjust the salary at that time.

Would love some advice! My motivation for the live-in is that we have the space for it, we've gotten used to having someone in our home, I like the convenience of having someone there in the mornings for my early mornings AND because I would like to save at least a little money.

P.S. One more thing: I wouldn't expect that she would do much, if any, domestic duties as well with the exception of putting something in the oven for dinner for us (unless she loves to cook and she can go to town on that if she wants!!) and helping the kids to tidy anything they've taken out. We have a weekly cleaning service come and I'm a little OCD about laundry so pretty much have always done my kids' laundry myself :)

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ISYN Day in the Life 2015, #10

7:00 Wake up, having slept in workout clothes, I wake up and start working out. Quick lunges and sit ups and then I run outside. I live where it's fairly cold in the winter, but I run in every temperature.
7:50  In shower, Dress, Head Upstairs.
8:00 Simultaneously start toasting waffles and pancakes, select yogurt, slice bananas and brew a pot of strong coffee. 8:105-8:15, Dad comes downstairs, grabs coffee and heads out the door. Mom has already left. She goes in early to be home by 6, he goes in late and works until 8.
8:20-8:35  Feed up and clean up after the twin 3 year olds.
8:45 Kids are both dressed and playing on the floor in the playroom.
9:00 Physical therapist arrives for Twin #2.
9:10 Leave with Twin #1 for his Pre K group. Put him in the jog stroller, bundle him, get my gator on and start running, Try not to get frustrated with the pedestrians and stoplights.
9:25 At preschool, make small chat with some of the nannies. Talk about the weather. We wonder where Spring is. I'm draining my bottle of Poland Springs.
9:30 Twin #1 is in the classroom, backpack in his cubby. I leave the stroller tucked in a special closet and run home. The physical therapist leaves by 10:15. I go three blocks further South than I need to to make the loop longer. The air stings my lungs.
10:10 I'm home and catching up with the physical therapist who demonstrates some activities that will help with hamstring flexibility. After she leaves I wash my face in the kitchen sink with soap and cold water, then I drink a cup of black coffee and a cup of hot lemon water.
10:25 I get out the trainset and set the tracks on course. I attempt to get #2 interested in playing. I put the different trees and train parts in his chubby hand. He laughs and watches me with wonder. It's too quiet so I put a CD on. Mazzy Starr.
11:00 Morning snack for #1. Cheese and a cut up apple with peanut butter. I let him take his time and encourage him, but I don't help him any more. I've learned that I was giving him too much help and I need to let him do everything he can for himself. The apple pieces are in tiny bites with no skin, even his jaw muscles are weak.
11:20 I take him with me down to the laundry room in the building. He loves riding in the cart. If the laundry room is empty, I can spin him around and chase him between the machines. He's the sweetest and easiest kid ever. After getting the clothes from the washer to the dryer, I head upstairs and we dress to go out to pick up brother from preschool.
12:20 We arrive at the school in the double jogging stroller. I get brother, load him up with his artwork for the day and we head home. #1 asks to go to Dinosaur park, his favorite, but it's too cold.
12:40 We are home and I am making lunch for the two. They are fighting over a cookie monster toy that neither of them really likes. I put in a swing CD and crank it up on high volume while I make grilled cheese and slice tomatoes.
1:00 The boys sit at the counter in their big boy stools at the counter. I drink a cup of coffee and nibble on some cheddar cheese and tofu. #1 will fall asleep in his jello if I don't watch him. I scoop them both up and carry them back to the bathroom. #1 is diapered, #2 uses the toilet. Both lay down on their beds in an L Shaped formation and I read them one story. It's so cold outside and so warm and comfortable there, I am tempted to fall asleep. I don't, but I do stay until they are sleeping and then quietly sneak out the door.
1:10 With the baby monitor I run downstairs and get the load of laundry from the dryer and bring it upstairs to fold it.
1:30 On my IPAD, emailing friends, checking FB, sharing status updates about my little charges. Mom is a FB friend. I never share too much and I never share pictures of their faces. Nina, who lives two floors up rings the bell and brings the single stroller back from this morning. She uses it on the return trip for her daughter, who is usually tired after school. She comes in to chat for awhile, holding her baby monitor, of course. She declines tea today.
3:00 I wake the boys if they are not already awake. Today both have to be woken and so they are grumpy upon rising. I ask them if they want to go play. #1 leaps up off his bed and rushes in my arms, "Dinosaur, Dinosaur". I tell him again, it is too cold out today but suggest we go to our favorite indoor playground. They cheer unanimously, "yeahhhhhyy".
3:15 We handle bathroom functions, pack snacks and head off, again in the double stroller. This ride is short though and they chomp cheerfully on Cheezits the whole way. At our favorite indoor play spot I run in to Bindi. Bindi is a  busy body who visited my employers on a Saturday morning to tell them that I favored one child and wouldn't let the other out of the stroller. She smiles at me now, I look through her. These boys are differently abled, I love them the same but things are not the same for each of them.
5:30 We are home. The boys show no sign of tiredness. I was thinking maybe a movie to wind down before dinner, but they want to do something. I get out some of my home made dough (I have all kinds) and set them up at the kitchen table while I bread chicken breasts to make what I hope will pass as chicken nuggets for dinner. I mash some sweet potato and give each a scoop of greek yogurt on their personalized plastic dinner plates. #2 drinks from a sippy cup still but #1 uses a regular cup. They sit like little men across the table from each other and grunt conversation to each other. The nuggets are acceptable but only when dunked in ketchup.
6:05 Mom comes home and throws her stuff down on the entry table. "I'm so tired, I'm late, do I have time to change" "Of course", I say, "Do  you want me to do baths tonight?". She insists she will do them. I hang back in the kitchen cleaning up as the boys finish up to give her some time to wind down. I carry the boys to the bathroom where she is sitting on the side testing the water. "Anything to report" she asks.  "Same ole, same ole" I say.
6:15 I am out the door and off work for the night. Tonight I will hit an SAA meeting at Times Square Art Center and an NA meeting at St Francis. I'm sure I could find closer spots, but I'd prefer not to run into any neighbors or acquaintances. Some days I wonder if I'll still be sober when I wake up in the morning. It's a fear that never leaves you, as committed as I am to my complete recovery.

"K" has worked as a live in nanny on the for this UWS family for 10 months. She does not wish to disclose her salary.

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Germs and Nanny Illness...

   

     I started out with the intent to be a great employer. But to be an employer, I need to have a job. And I didn't rise in the ranks of my field by missing important meetings and failing to show up for work. I am on third nanny in three years. This time, I went with a live-in, just so I could be sure that I would not be late or missing meetings. I also imagined that I would see less sick days. I know that working with two small children who do play groups with many other children does bring my nanny in to contact with lots of germs. What I want to know is how healthy does the average nanny feel she needs to be to work? I understand that the nanny may not feel well, but I don't understand her calling in from her bedroom or leaving a note on my kitchen counter saying that she is too ill to work. Most of the time, she will cite that she picked up something from one of the kids. I do not doubt that but neither child has had to go to the doctor for any illness all winter.
     I live in New Jersey and I don't have any prospects for emergency child care. My nanny started work on 9/29. She missed one day in October, two days in December, 1 day in January, day, plus 1/2 day in February; when she called me and said she wasn't going to "make it" through the afternoon. On Friday, I came out to the kitchen at 6 in the morning and she had left a note. "I was up all night with chills and can't work today. I feel rotten and am going to try to get in to my own Dr." All of these sick days are paid. I am a single mother, wholly supporting my children and our lifestyle. I want to address this in the firmest of ways and may even let her go, but how do I make sure that I don't run in to this situation again? I take the train to work every day. That means, if my nanny is late, I miss a train and am delayed 40 minutes or more. I need a nanny who is punctual and who will work through a cold, chills, even a bout of diarrhea or a slight fever. Does this seem unreasonable? How do other mother's handle this?

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Should I stay or should I go?

     So I just got a nanny job in a new state because I was dying for a fresh start.

     I  haven't even been here a month and things have already hit the fan. I was told I would make $10/hour for four boys (crazy low, but I am live in.) But when I got here, I only got $150 for well over 15 hours of work. Now, she said since I got a part time job (which she encouraged me to do) that I'll make only $100 a week, which I had to negotiate! I'm super tired from work but am still expected to make dinner and clean the hour during my off hours. I'm only scheduled to work for her 6 days a week from 7pm-9pm, but here I am woken up by the kids at 9am because the mom and her boyfriend didn't want to deal with them! What do I do? I love not having to pay rent because I know Denver can get kinda pricey, but I can't stand obviously being taken advantage of!
 -Denver Damsel in Distress

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Firing a mediocre nanny..

I have decided our nanny is just not a good fit. She doesn't do anything abusive that I am aware of, she just rubs me the wrong way. I have tried to make this work for the better part of three months. It is getting to the point now that when I come home, I am pained to make small talk with her. I imagine she might pick up on this? What is my obligation to this girl? She came from the Ithaca area to our home in Westchester and she live-in. Being honest seems practical, but unkind. I don't like her. My children seem to like her just fine. I was thinking of giving her three weeks severance pay.