Original Post 4/29/15 11:38 AM
Problem. I have a 16 month old nanny and a new nanny for one month. She seems wonderful to me. I noticed a lot of separation anxiety with my child in the beginning, which I assumed is normal. When it continued, I sent the nanny to the beach with the child during week three and had a friend observe her without her knowledge. The friend reports the nanny tried to interest my daughter in the sand toys, used a positive tone of voice, showed enthusiasm, smiled a lot, handled her gently, etc. This is week 4, day three and I don't know what else I can do to fix this. She screams and cries in the morning when the nanny arrives and when I leave. When I take her from the nanny in the evening, she looks back at her in a guarded way. I know some people just don't mesh, is this possible with the baby? When I first returned to work after maternity leave, I worked part time and had a part time nanny. When the part time nanny could not take on the full time schedule, I had to replace her with this new, highly recommended nanny. It is so bad that I really am thinking of going back to part time and bringing the part time nanny back. So my question to you all is, in addition to wondering why this mix isn't working, how do I let a nanny go after a month? She doesn't have a contract, but we did talk with her and ask for a long term committment. Is two weeks severance and a strong letter of recommendation enough?
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15 comments:
As a mother and caregiver I can tell you such separation anxiety and crying is normal. You had your nanny observed. I sat for my friend's granchildren for years and they loved me. But through certain l9ng periods they cried like babshees over separation.
Correction. Long......banshees.
I have been with my current family for 5years. I just finally got to be full time as the only nanny last year. Until then separation was an issue with lots of tantrums in the morning and they were older. There were a lot of changes for them changing caregivers depending on the day. Until things became consistent with me being here the tantrums continued. Now smiles and hellos in the morning! You were home, then part time and then went full time and changed the nanny. For anyone changes can be a lot but to a little one it may take more time. Another good idea is to spend sometime with the little one before the nanny comes and then have a consistent routine in the morning for a smooth transition from you to her. Make goodbye time consistent and don't hang around after handing the little one off. It makes it worse and only upsets the baby and all involved. Call and check in here and there or use a nanny cam so you can look in and be reassured you made a good choice.
Baby is most likely having trouble adjusting to you being away much longer than before especially with her being more aware than when she was an infant. It would probably happen regardless of who the caregiver is.
I've been a nanny for the same family going on 4 years and my charge was around 14 months when I started with massive separation anxiety. We used different strategies, but what worked the best was MB being out of the house when I arrived & DB doing hand- over.Over the years B has gone through stages of running up to me on arrival & giving me the biggest hugs to bursting into tears at first sight. From my experience, children go through stages of attachment and we needed to persevere. At times DB would spend the first hour or 2 with us as B wouldn't let him go and currently it's 'bye mum, bye dad When it was really challenging we used other strategies such as DB (he works from home) taking B to a cafe and on arrival back at the house I'd just take over the stroller & take her to the park or library, or I'd hve painting set up or some fun activity she loves like play dough as a distraction. I saw keep at it, she sounds like a wonderful nanny and children do go through stages as they develop, when B started kindergarten, the separation anxiety was back. Kathy walker writes amazing books on this issue and children's emotional development. Good luck
I agree with PPs. This age is notorious for separation anxiety. You've had her vetted, checked upon and she's clear. I think you're being too hasty. Have your husband/partner hand off the LO for a while. Goodbyes should be fast and no fuss. Be ready to go as soon as nanny gets here. No prolonged goodbye, just: " oh X is here!! Exciting!! Here you go! See you soon baby. Love you!" and exit! It'll get better. Hang in there, mama.
The only observation of the nanny happened while she was in public, so it may not necessarily reflect what goes on at home with your child. As others have said it could just be separation anxiety, but something about the way you've described this makes me feel your baby may fear the nanny, and is telling you in the only way she is able.
My only suggestion is to install a nanny cam, and tell your nanny you're doing so to see if you can get better insight as to what may be upsetting your daughter during the day. If the nanny is resistant that doesn't mean she's a bad nanny, but it may mean you have to let her go since the situation hasn't improved, and you can't take the chance your daughter is at risk.
I totally agree with this_nick.
Get the nanny cam. If everything seems fine then I would keep the nanny.
The right answer is what is right for your family.Separating with two weeks pay and a letter of reference is nice.
Nick had a great suggestion that i would argue should be made the rule when hiring nanny. Let any nanny you are interviewing know that you use cameras in your house, I like Dropcam and use these for our own nanny. Place cameras in open areas. I like Dropcam because they are secure and I can check in from my phone while i am working.
Our nanny also lets me know when there is footage i should see and or hear.
If you record your nanny you MUST have consent to voice record in a lot of states. If you don't and do so you can get in trouble. So make sure you know the law in your state before doing so.
Also be aware that to NOT inform the nanny you're going to videotape her (even without sound, since that's legal and your right as an employer/someone employing people to work in your home), you may lose the nanny and there may have been nothing she was doing wrong.
I do not particularly like cameras, mostly because I don't enjoy being watched. However, if I found out a family was videotaping me without me knowing, I certainly wouldn't ever work for them again.
Likewise, if they were forthcoming and/or the camera was in a corner of the room where it was obvious and visible, I would probably not work with the family again but I wouldn't be upset about it.
As a nanny, I don't mind cameras at all! I find that it protects me as well as the kids. Parents can actually see the great way I care for their kids. I've received compliments for my handling of certain situations cause the parents saw it on film. There's no expectation of privacy in someone else's home. Obviously, the bathroom is off limits, but any where else is fair game.
Glad to know it's getting better. It seems you and baby are wonderfully bonded- which is great. The baby will choose you over nanny every time. That's ok. After a while though, they'll create their own bond and the baby will go to her and not be so stressed. Thanks for updating.
Do you hold your baby a lot? Pick him up as spoon as he makes the utterance of a whimper or every time he starts to cry? If so, there your answer. I'm a specialty nanny and have between training households for years. This is a common problem and this definition ifs often the cause. You can reach out to me through the owner of this blog if you want more detailed direction of how to handle this.
Arg.. Daum phone. Sorry. I only get a thing window to type so I miss the errors
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