The Stepmother...

Need some advice on how to make this argument. I am marrying at the end of June. I have spent overnight trips with my fiance since becoming engaged and will not move in officially until July 1 (logistical). I am marrying a father with two children with one woman. He has been divorced 2.5 years.

Paula Rego

He has sole custody of the children and they have visitation with their mother, every other weekend from Friday-Monday morning and a week at Christmas, a week in summer. The father hired a nanny when they first separated and the nanny was the go between the father and mother. She is a good person and was able to be the peaceful connection between the two during the bitter times following the separation.

The nanny has continued to be friendly with the mother in a way that keeps the mother informed of the children's lives on a more regular basis. The nanny seems oddly committed to continuing to fill this role, even though as I see it, she is no longer needed.

The nanny is also a live-in. I am a real estate agent and set my own hours. I very much want to get a new nanny, someone who will work as a live-out and work more to serve our household. I don't see anyway around this and I don't think it is too much to ask since I am taking on two children, one of whom has special needs.

What I would like is the nanny to continue through the summer (or as long as she likes through 8/17). She could work along with the new nanny, if she liked. I would also give her the option to leave after two weeks and take all of the remaining weeks paid.

I am changing my life around taking on a whole new family and I am getting some resistance from my finance who seems to cling to this nanny who has outlived her purpose.

The Not So Wicked Stepmother

This is part information, part rant. I have worked for a family for three years. It wasn't until we got into the second year that I started meeting the (divorced) father's girlfriend.  He only introduced her to the children because they were serious and they have now been married for five months. The biological mother and father rotate custody of the children, one week here, one week there.

If you think you have it tough being taken seriously as the nanny, try being the stepmother. Let me paint a picture, tall, beautiful, great body and 28 years old where most moms are in their 40's and beyond. Trust me, I wanted t hate her when I met her. I wanted to believe she was dull, dumb, vain, in it for the money, hated children, etc. None of this is true.

The biological mother and she do not get along, but I expect over time that will change. I just feel so bad for this woman. People ask her if she's the nanny. When she says no, they say "au pair" and "oh housekeeper?" It doesn't seem accidental. It seems intentional. The teachers and activity directors and bitchy UWS moms are nicer to the me than they are her. They simply won't give her a shot.

She's taken over packing the children's lunches. A domestic chore, I used to do. She leaves funny notes or drawings in their bag.  She doesn't have to but tries to get out of work by 4 on the weeks that the children are here so she can be present. She helps with homework. She has more patience than I do, and I'm patient. She prepares healthy snacks. If a child asks to go the park, she asks the child if she can take them. I could be concerned that she was stealing my job, but she's only making my job easier for me.

Last week, one of the classroom moms and she had a confrontation. The stepmother stated that she had offered multiple times to help with a booth and no one had gotten back to her. The classroom mom said, "You don't expect us to take you seriously". I was right there. I heard it. It was humiliating.

So, if you're a mom or classmom or teacher or soccer coach and Dad has a new, younger wife. Don't assume that she's a non involved ditz. This woman is trying and the mixed signals the kids receive from teachers and people of power are making things very hard on her. I've seen her in tears. Don't be so judgmental. Be kind. Take time to get to know someone, whether it's a stepmom or a nanny.

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