Poached

By Rebecca Nelson Lubin
ISYN Guest Author

My favorite scene on Bravo’s new original scripted series “Odd Mom Out” is where the Uber Alpha East Side Mom Brooke urged her sister in law Jill to “staff up” and procure a nanny. Jill (the odd mom out of the title) asks what nanny agency she should call. The overly confident and bitchy Brooke laughs off that idea and takes Jill to a popular children’s museum where they can observe the nannies from a high balcony and decide which one to poach, like big game hunters seeking out the best trophy. It is a delicious scene to watch.

So, my fellow nannies, a show of hands, who has been poached on this blog? And let’s not leave the parents out. Who reading this has been guilty of being a big bad poacher? I myself have been poached twice in my nanny career, plucked out of what previously seemed just peachy a position and led towards greener pastures. The first time I was poached, it was by a good friend who offered me a significantly higher salary than I was receiving at the job I have actually loved for a little over a year. How could I say no? Better pay, working with a friend, and the promise of fun travel on the horizon. I jumped ship and never regretted my decision. My friend and I worked together for an agreed upon contacted year, and you know what? It was great. I made more money and received better benefits and travelled with the family to far-flung fun places.

 My second poaching proposal (Several years and another job later) around came my way as a second hand secret. One of the mom’s I was friendly with on the playground had floated my name to her friend who was expecting. Mom A (my friend) had gotten out of me what it would take to leave my job, and had told Mom B. (Her friend.) Mom B had Mom A make me an offer. It was all very mob like. I didn’t even get to meet the Big Lady until it was already agreed via our go between that I could be had for a raise, medical benefits, and paid sick days, paid vacation days and paid bank holidays. And poof – just like that I was plucked off the playground to a new position. Again, I had no regrets and I equally adored my new job along with the perks my old job had not offered.

Now this is not to say that I am the type to jump ship at the drop of a hat, continually seeking out greener pastures. I have been stubbornly loyal to many jobs, no matter how pretty and shiny the poacher might be, and there have been some mighty tasty threads dangled in my face over the years. I have said no to a pitch of “more money and less hours” because truthfully, I just really liked the family I was already with. Starting over with an adorable baby who sleeps all day? No thank you. That 90’s television actress I crossed paths with in my neighborhood Whole Foods who was toting an adorable toddler? Yes, I told her with a smile, I was a Nanny. But no, I said, still smiling, I was not available.

Sometimes we can be so satisfied with what we already have that even the shiniest of stars cannot sway us away. And perhaps that is the real answer with poaching. If your nanny is happy with her job, then nothing and nobody can steal her away.

Rebecca Nelson Lubin is a nanny and writer who resides in Marin County, California. You can follow her writing at rebeccanelsonlubin.wordpress.com. 

If you would like to share a story, please email isynblog@gmail.com.

THINGS YOUR NANNY WANTS TO TELL YOU (but won't)

As I am thinking about this topic and ways to phrase all my frustrations, in the back of my mind is end of The Nanny Diaries movie. If you haven’t watched it, you should.

I am one of those nannies that sometimes slack. I admit it.

There are days, even weeks in a row that I don’t like my job, I don’t like seeing where my life goes and I don’t like repeating one and the same thing over and over again.

On occasion I have to remind myself to push harder, to browse on Pinterest ideas how to entertain child and make better meals. Sometimes I take a nap when kid does too, and I don’t take her to park when I know I should because that day I really, really, really don’t feel like it.

But also I am one of those nannies that care deeply. Doesn’t matter what happens and what my day is like I love the child I take care of and I care. I want the best for her and I am doing the right thing and raising her in a good way. I just feel, for being a nanny, I lack the privilege to be tired, grumpy, sad, sick or just have lazy days, or days dedicated to only chores – my chores.

In my years of being childcare provider, there is one thing that I learned and I try to remind myself constantly.

It is not child's fault. When I hate my job, when I want to quit, when I spend all day on couch pouting and texting, I am not angry at kid, I am angry at the parent.

And again, I feel I don’t have privilege to be angry at the parent because it is such a personal connection. It’s not company, it is not franchise. It’s another human being that I disagree with and there is nothing I can do to fix it, but to remind myself – it is not child’s fault. She doesn’t need to feel the consequences of their parents treating me as a maid or not giving me sick days.

In order not to take it on a kid, I will write it here. A list of things that I wish I could tell my employers. Things that would not just make my life better, but maybe even theirs, and definitely their kid’s.

YOUR CHILD IS NOT A PET

I agree fully that getting a pet is a preparation for children and it teaches you in many ways how hard it will be. But having a child is not like having a pet. I can’t have my days planned around her 2x a day walks.

YOUR KID IS ONLY TWO, LET HER BE TWO

I understand that being part of the higher class and living in part of the city where you can’t see house worth less than a million, you have certain reputation to maintain, but she is only two. I can’t teach her how to read, her manners can’t be perfect. You can’t get upset and give me new ways of handling her every time she misbehaves. I am expected to make her perfect robot kid, and you can’t handle 5 minutes with her without being done?

She is amazing. She is smart, cute and since I became her nanny, her manners and behavior are absolutely awesome, so why don’t you see that and you keep asking for things can’t be reached yet? We are getting there, but forbidding her to read books that are “not good enough for her” will not make her better. She will become obnoxious snob without imagination and sense of humor. She will not know how to have fun and enjoy simple things. Let her be two, please. She is amazing.  Why can’t you see that? Why is that not enough?

I AM NOT A MAID

I know every nanny complains about this, but let me explain.

If I, out of respect to you as individuals that work so much, on occasion do your dishes or pick up your mail, that doesn’t mean that I don’t notice how little by little you leave every chore to me? Basically, in last 3 months your bi-weekly maid and I are doing everything in the household.

You can run your own dishwasher 3x when buying new dishes and put it away, and I don’t see how it  is my job to vacuum living area on Monday morning after you had guests over weekend.

I don’t need to be paid extra and I don’t need your thank you, but it’s not ok for you not to clean her peed-on clothes over weekend and leave it for me. It is not ok when after your day off “you didn’t have time” and you made me chore list that has nothing to do with childcare. You can’t expect me to be ok with that and stay as motivated childcare provider for your child.

My goal was and still is to make your life better, easier. Don’t make me resent you over silly things.

RESPECT ME IF YOU WANT ME TO RESPECT YOU

It is funny to me how you try to cut my paid hours for at least 30 minutes every single week. If  my 12$ will make a change in your budget, then you can have it, but don’t think of me as stupid for not mentioning it. It is ridiculous to me.

I am an adult with my own family and plans, you can’t ask me to work 13h day and then not pay overtime, or even better – give me only 10 days of vacation that you pay me less than promised and you tell me when am I allowed to take it.

Also, when I come 5 minutes early so we can discuss day and talk little bit so you don’t have to be late for work, and two of you leave to garage to maintain conversation for 20 minutes with barely saying hi to me- not okay!

THERE IS NO NEED FOR NANNY CAM IN THE BATHROOM

Nothing left to say. If you hired me, checked my references, if you believed I was capable enough to take care of your child, then why need for cameras? I can’t relax in your house and I spend every single moment hiding in a corner that camera doesn’t reach.

Check my post on this topic here.

COMMUNICATE

I know you like your privacy and you made it very clear there are boundaries, but when you don’t tell me when kid’s birthday is – that is messed up!

I don’t need to know about you, and your plans, your life, but I spend 10 hours a day in your home with your child. If you don’t remember to send me text on Christmas Day or tell me how was her sleeping schedule over weekend so I can prepare, how can you expect me to enjoy my job and do it properly? Or you don’t care do I like it, as long as I am never late? Which btw that one and only time I was late for 5 minutes, is nothing comparing to your every single day coming later than what I’ve been told.

DON’T HAVE DOUBLE STANDARDS FOR DAILY ROUTINE

I have so many problems with this. If you force me to potty train her when she is not ready, and I manage to do it, why don’t you follow up? Why is she in diaper as soon as I leave the house, but every morning you tell me again to reinforce it?

If I need to force her to take a nap every day, why do you give in on her crying and don’t even try? That is the reason why she is that way with you, because she can.

If I am not allowed to have TV time with her, how come you give her movies every weekend?

I would be ok with all the rules if you followed too, or I would be ok with this if you didn’t have chore list for me to obey to.

The way you treat me when I try to share my tips and ways how I get her to do things, makes me feel humiliated. Saying you don’t need my advice, you just need me to what you told me to, is not ok.

YOUR KID IS NOT INCONVENIENCE

This adds up to several previous issues. Taking several vacations in a year and not bringing her with on any of them, waking her up at 6 am because you wanted to go to Farmers Market first thing in the morning and many other ways you expressed and showed that it is pain in the ass to have her with, makes me really sad.

Makes me sad for you and for her. I feel you have her to show her around when necessary and then shove her to me or your mother when you are done. You already work 50-60 hours a week and never see her, you never play with her. Why do you need additional time away from her, and even better, why did you have her if you were not aware of commitment it would demand?

DON’T MICROMANAGE ME

I can not express how much I dislike this part. I don’t need daily chart of chores, I don’t want you to tell me what I need to give her to eat for every meal.

I don’t want to text you every AM what are we doing and where are we going, and if nowhere, why do I think it is a good decision. I don’t like lack of trust in every aspect of my job. I am capable, I am doing this job for years, and even in the time with you I showed you I am dependable and capable, so why don’t you let me show you how much better I can be if you leave me alone?

I am required to have monthly, unpaid, meetings with you about our progress and situations we are dealing with. I am constantly being observed and it bugs me a lot. I know you are a parent, I respect that and I want you to be included in every way, but I need some freedom. I am not 12-year old next door girly babysitting for you. I can do this. Just trust me. One of the reasons why I feel frustrated is because I know if my employers were not satisfied with me, they would fire me, they would tell me, they would make me go over contract again. If I was the bad one, they would not hesitate to fix the problem, so every single day I ask myself – Why am I not doing the same?

Why do I respect them? I saw the way they treated former nanny, I know I am not a family, I know as soon as I leave, I am forgotten, so why do I still try to make their life better?

Is that making me good nanny, or just naïve one?

Djana is a former aupair and current nanny in Portland, Oregon.
Click here to read The Funny Nanny. 
Be sure to like The Funny Nanny on Facebook!

Is Light Housekeeping a Nanny's Responsibility?

Submitted by Abby Nelson
nannyclassifieds.com

There’s hardly a phrase more confusing in nanny lingo than that of “light housekeeping,” yet it’s a phrase that is widely and consistently used in job descriptions and work agreements all of the time. In the nanny world, light housekeeping typically means leaving the home in the same condition it was in when the nanny arrived. If there were no dishes in the sink in the morning when the parents left for work, there should be no dishes in the sink when they return home. If a nanny arrived in the morning and the floors were sparkling clean, and then she and her charge tracked in mud after playing outside, it would be reasonable and expected for her to clean up the mess and restore the floor to its original morning condition prior to the end of her workday.

In addition to childcare, nannies are also generally responsible for undertaking all tasks related to providing care for the children. While each job will vary slightly, depending on the family’s needs and if a housekeeper is also employed, most nanny jobs require that the nanny do the same household tasks as they relate to providing childcare. Nannies typically: do the children’s laundry, launder the children’s linens, keep the children’s areas neat and tidy, sanitize and disinfect toys, sterilize and clean bottles, prepare nutritious meals and snacks for the children, pick up after activities and arts and crafts, pick up after themselves and the children, keep the family provided vehicle clean, organize the children’s toys, and organize the children’s closets.

Some nannies may also take on additional household related tasks. They may do the children’s grocery and clothes shopping, as well as purchase the supplies needed to properly stock the nursery. In some cases, nannies may also be responsible for ordering age-appropriate supplies, toys, and arts and crafts, depending on the arrangement that was made. Nannies typically do not: do the parent’s laundry, clean the bathrooms, mop the floors, dust the furniture, or prepare family meals regularly. In each family and nanny work arrangement, light housekeeping should be clearly defined. It’s what is in the contract that will dictate what the family’s housekeeping expectations are and what the nanny’s housekeeping responsibilities are. Instead of, or in addition to, using the term “light housekeeping” an employer’s definition of what light housekeeping means should be defined.

Many nannies do agree to take on additional non-childcare related housekeeping tasks. They may do this because the children spend mornings in school or they simply enjoy cleaning and would gladly take on the housekeeping tasks in exchange for increased compensation. If your nanny agrees to take on additional housekeeping tasks, she should be provided additional compensation for them and allowed adequate time to complete them when childcare is not her responsibility. For these nannies/housekeepers, it should be stressed that when the children are in her care, childcare should be her main responsibility.

Often times a nanny will go above and beyond the call of duty simply out of practicality. If a nanny is doing the dishes from lunch and her employer left a knife and dish in the sink after breakfast, for example, she’s likely going to wash them too, rather than simply leave them sitting there in the sink. If a nanny is preparing one of her favorite homemade pasta recipes for the children’s dinner, she may make enough for the entire family, since it’s easier than tweaking the recipe for smaller portions. When these random acts of kindness become expected by employers through, resentment and relationship problems in the nanny relationship can occur. Light housekeeping is going to mean different things to different people. Clearly articulating the duties and responsibilities that meet an employer’s definition of light housekeeping will help to prevent job creep and miscommunication over housekeeping related expectations.

Traveling with Babies - Part One

Rebecca Nelson Lubin

Little darling, it’s been a long cold rainy winter here in the Bay Area. (I know, I know. It’s really brutal everywhere else, but I’m a California Girl and my blood is thin) When my boss told me we would be spending February break at the Turtle Bay Resort on the North Shore of Oahu I was completely consumed with gratitude that my awesome employers had the resources to travel with their Nanny. And, that they were extremely cool people that I adore spending time with.

Rule number one of travel: Never go anywhere with assholes. Seriously. Someone reading this is right at this moment thinking about that unfortunate road trip they took with their Drama-Queen-Sorority-Sister/Whiney-Cousin/Bitchy-Brother-in-law/Overbearing-Employer or Needy-Nanny. Make sure that the people that you travel with are the lot that you would look forward to spending six hours with on a plane, coasting around in a cramped rental car or camping out in a hotel room while your beach day gets rained out. In the employment world this cannot be a guarantee, but it certainly makes it better.

Rule number two of travel: If you are going to be travelling with small little people, be prepared for any and every type of disaster that could happen from exploding diapers to a large scale earthquake.

Our disaster was a six-hour flight delay. We had sauntered into the San Francisco airport with fully stocked carryon bags for each child, containing numerous snacks, diapers, pull-ups, wipes, and a variety of entertainment, in electronic, sticker board and book form. We had bought our gum and tabloids. We had gleefully boarded our plane and settled into our seats. And then we sat. And sat. At first we were waiting for a flight from Boston (where it is truly cold) so those passengers could make their connection to Honolulu. Then it was some small problem with the air conditioning or the wings or the engines or something vaguely important for a six-hour flight over the ocean. We sat and waited over an hour for maintenance to arrive.

“Twenty bucks we end up switching planes.” I said to my boss, holding the Girl Baby on my lap and entertaining her with Dora stickers.

It was when they announced that we would be waiting yet another hour that I became aware that the man across the aisle was glancing at me in such a manner that could only be described as creepy. He was smiling at me and shaking his head in such a way that his thought bubble would have read, “You are such a dirty little Bunny!”

Finally I stared back at him and demanded, “What?”

He said in a thick European accent, “I am sorry. I am from overseas and I have never seen such a family as yours.”

The Girl Baby needed a change of venue as this exchange was going on, and I stood up and handed her to her mother.

“What are you talking about?”

He now addressed my Mom Boss and myself.

“Can I take your picture?” He was in his overhead bin and pulling out a camera. “We don’t see this in my country.”

And he began snapping away at our startled faces.

“Holy crap,” I mouthed to my Mom Boss, “he thinks we’re in a plural marriage!”

“We are not a polygamy family!” My Mom Boss shouted at him, holding her hands over the children’s faces lest they end up in some sort of salacious article in a Swedish newsletter. “This is our Nanny!”

We decided to beat the crowd and exit the plane, which was clearly not going anywhere. We were rebooked on the 5pm flight, and retired to the First Class lounge where we recharged every cell phone, computer, iPod and Game Boy while the children snacked on the complimentary cookies and carrot sticks, dropping huge crumbs on the floor until our little area looked liked rampaging rock stars had just rolled through. One guy, hugely fat in unfortunate denim shorts, actually hissed “pigs” at us as we caravanned out, a carnival of strollers and carry-ons and all those neck pillows we had just had to buy five hours earlier. We boarded our new plane and sat with our fingers crossed until we taxied to the gate. We were on our way! And only one hour after we already should have landed in Oahu!

It’s a weird thing how small children who have just spent many hours in an airport with no naps with not get tired once settled into cozy plush first class seats that fold out into beds. Our children seemed to be on some sort of speed. The Girl Baby pointed out the window and repeatedly squealed, “Deda ook ki!” (Rebecca, Look, Sky) for three full hours. The Four-year-old boy only wanted to sit under his seat, and happily spent most of the flight burrowing. We did many laps to the rear of the plane and back again. Thirty minutes before landing we got the Girl Baby to sleep. The boy powered through and exited the plane dragging his own bag.

“Where are we?” He asked, zigzagging through the Honolulu airport.

“Hawaii.” I said, breathing in the warm air and smiling. “Finally!”
_______________________________________
Rebecca Nelson Lubin is a writer and Nanny who resides in the San Francisco Bay Area. You may read more of her articles at http://www.abandofwives.ning.com/

If you would like to write an article for I SAW YOUR NANNY, email isynblog@gmail.com.

Music Class

Rebecca Nelson Lubin

I love when my charges get old enough to attend their first real class. It’s usually just past the first birthday when the Mom Boss and I will begin to discuss the sudden urgent need for the baby to be “socialized” beyond the library story time and the side by side interaction at the local park. I like to begin with a music class. Me, I love music. I breathe music. I sing to the babies in the bath, while rocking them to sleep, and have my iPod mounted and plugged into my car stereo with a six CD changer on backup should we run out of song choices from the 5,000 or so at our disposal. Oh, and then there is the tape deck just in case the right song for carpool is actually the bootleg Grateful Dead tape from the fabulous second set of the Cornell ’77 show. You could say that I am a bit of an audiophile.

This December my Mom Boss and I sat down to talk classes for the Girl baby, who was just turning sixteen months. I would have loved to take her to my usual music class, the one I have been taking charges to for a good ten years – the one where the founder actually once mused that I might take over from her one day due to I think my gusto at repeated renditions of “Row Row Row Your Boat” since Bush junior’s first crack at the presidency. Sadly though, my go to class did not fit into our busy schedule - and more importantly – the schedules of her very busy older brothers – or her extremely regular nap schedule. So I went on the Internet and choose a class for us to attend completely based on timing and location. Big bad mistake.

I did not know the grave gaffe I had made for several weeks as Girl baby attended Music class with her Mother. It fell to me to take her four weeks in, and at first it was all good. We left our shoes at the door and sat in a circle with an assortment of grownups and toddlers. The teacher began the class by calling in her musical muses with sweet stokes of a bow across a well-trod violin. Then she laid the violin at her side…and barked at us. In melody. I swear. She nodded eagerly at the grownups and they barked back, off key. She smiled, and repeated the melody in meows. I looked around the circle and thought, “Are you freaking kidding me?” But no, they were not, meows sounded all around me. Quacks followed, then moos.

The teacher preceded the next number by announcing, “I trust everyone has memorized their CD’s by now,” and then launched into a song that had more words than “The Day The Music Died.”

For forty-five minutes we endured, with not an instrument in sight, not a drum to bang, not a song I recognized, not a recognizable toddler music class moment save for the movement with silk scarves montage that required actual chorography that brought forgotten scars bubbling to the surface, long buried from my 8th grade failure at ball room dancing. As the teacher launched into her goodbye song I felt parched and sweaty and longing for a thick peanut butter sandwich and a nap. I glanced around the room and judging from the expressions on the other adult’s faces felt a dim sense of reassurance that I was not the only one completely done in.

I sought out my Mom Boss once home and inquired,

“What did you think of Music Class?”

“It kind of sucked.” She conceded.
_____________________________________
Rebecca Nelson Lubin is a writer and Nanny who resides in the San Francisco Bay Area. You may read more of her articles at http://www.abandofwives.ning.com/.

 Would you like to share your story with I Saw Your Nanny? Email us at isynblog@gmail.com.