Lazy & Neglectful Parent Update

Update: Hi everyone! A few weeks ago, I had a submission about the line between lazy and neglectful parent with four kids (8, 6, 2 and 1) I appreciate all of the advice and support with this family, and it is a very hard thing for me to deal with, as I was an emotionally neglected/abused child not by choice, but due to a tragic event. In any event, it has been quite the two weeks with this family, starting with last Monday (I had a day off) and the fact that she sent her 2 year old son to school without shoes, promised to bring him a pair later in the day and failed to deliver. And this week? She showed up Monday morning on something, what I don't know, and after she left, I ran to the phone to alert my directors. She then left and did whatever she does while her kids are in daycare. Monday night she showed up slurring her words, out of it, and my director contacted the police who did nothing. The mother asked my director who called the police on her, and my boss denied it. We have been documenting not only the children's condition, but the mother's as well at drop off and pick ups. Yesterday her 1 year old daughter had a severe diaper rash that we are thinking could be a yeast infection, plus she went home with a fever. Mom ignored our calls, and tried to drop her off this morning before 11a (our policy is that if we send a child home with a fever, they must be fever free for 24 hours without meds before they can come back. So she knew she was supposed to bring her back after 11a but played stupid yet again.)The sad part? Her 2 year old son was in school today, and she was home. He has shoes that are a size too big, and his clothes were dirty, plus he has a diaper rash as well. I cannot stand this parent, and I don't know how much more of her bs I can take. There are so many things I want to say, but I can't because I will lose my job, and it's unprofessional. Here is what I would say:

Dear _____,

As an educator and professional nanny, part of my job is helping families and working with them as a team. Throughout my entire career, I have worked with many, many families, and there are very parents I do not like. For me not to like a parent is rare, and a parent has to either rub me the wrong way or give me a reason not to like them. Your name has been added to that list, and I will be honest, I don't like you. The reason? How you treat your children, being a lazy, neglectful parent who doesn't even care about her children's well being. Don't even sit there and say you do, because you and I both know, along with the staff that you are full of crap. If you actually cared about your kids, especially the younger two, they would be home with you during the summer when you are not working, and you yourself have admitted you haven't worked since summer school ended in July. But you are sitting there collecting taxpayer funded childcare. All of the employees who care for your children: from administrators, to teachers to support staff: we collect a paycheck and our taxes go to state funded programs that help low income families. All of the parents who work jobs to collect a paycheck to pay the same taxes for the state funded programs, who work their butt off to pay tuition (daycare is not cheap) are paying for the same program. We make it possible for you to collect childcare from the state and of course, why would you want to have your kids home with you when you are not working? I mean, you are making a small co-payment that isn't covered under state funded care, so if you want to drop them off at 730a and keep them there until 6p, you can do that. It's not like you are paying for childcare anyway.

Speaking of your children, the two younger ones need you: and you need to get off your high horse and be a mother, not someone who gave birth to them, because that's all you are. We are trying to teach your children, and you haven't even met us anywhere. Just blow us off when we call you for an emergency, or when we ask you to bring in diaper cream, extra clothes, etc. Oh but you can get welfare and drive a 2014 car, right? Or the 65 inch flat screen in your two bedroom apartment with four kids and your boyfriend. You lose J's shoes, buy him a pair that's too small, and it was me that told you he needs an 8-8.5. So you buy him a size 9 that falls off his feet. He doesn't listen, and is so far behind developmentally that he is more like a 12-18 month old compared to the other children (all of whom are 2-3 years old) in our class. Why do you think he's behind? Hmmm. Could it be because you ignore him?

And let's talk about this week. I've been in the streets before, having dated bad boys who made a few dollars doing illegal things. I learned a lot, and learned things that can't be taught in classrooms. Not something I'm proud of, but trust me, I knew something was wrong with you when you dropped off J on Monday morning. I could tell you were on something. How dare you drive a car with your children in it, coming to pick them up on something! Yes, we contacted the police and unfortunately did they were unable to do anything. Are we watching you? If you asked my boss who contacted the police Monday evening, you know the answer to that. Yes, we are watching you and yes, we are documenting everything. Your childrens' conditions upon arrival, things they (the two older ones) say, things you say, and your condition if needed. It's evident to everyone that something is very wrong, and I will not let you treat your children this way.

The fact is, you don't care about your children, and the fact that you are sitting home with your children in care 40-50 hours per week, plus taking the two older children to the athletic club to swim every night while the two younger ones are in daycare is ridiculous. This isn't an assumption, it's what your boyfriend told us one morning at drop off. We hear things, we grow concerned. And what he said makes us all wonder who is watching your children if you are not doing so. You yourself made mention that four kids was a lot for you to handle and you wish you didn't have kids.

But you have kids. You have four beautiful children who need you, not your back. Your two younger ones, J and E, are most affected by this. Act like a mother or give me your son and I will raise him myself. I already bought him shoes and new clothes, and will most likely buy him snowpants, etc. because I know you won't buy it, and if you do, you will make an excuse not to have them at school. It's obvious you are good at manipulating the system and making excuses, but suck at parenting.

The reason why this hits home for me? I was an abandoned, emotionally neglected child. My father was in my life, and due to my mother's death, he lost himself, keeping everything inside. We would be in the same room, and not speak. He was involved financially, but not emotionally. Things a father is supposed to teach his child I had to learn on my own and from the streets. Kind of what you are doing to your children. It's called neglect and abandonment. And it hurts. How do you think J feels when you ignore him? What about E? How does she feel? Do you treat T and T better because they are older and listen, whereas the other two do not listen? Duh! Because you have to teach them to listen. Miss E, Miss B, Miss A and myself can do what we can do for E and J, but you have to do your part and meet us halfway. It's almost like you are in the outfield in one spot and switch spots at the last minute, constantly moving around without knowing what's going on. Think of a batter upto bat hitting the ball with you in the outfield and your not paying attention. What is the ball going to do? Hit you in the face, and it will hurt.

Think of me as the batter and you as the outfielder. I'm cracking that bat and the ball is coming straight for you. Consider this letter being hit in the face with a baseball-I've made phone calls about you, and I'm waiting for the OK from my director to file a formal report with CPS. Something has to be done, and if that means having CPS investigate you, so be it. Perhaps that will wake you up about how to be a better parent.

J is a handful-and you made him that way by ignoring him and his needs. I'm going to embrace every moment with him from now on and let him know he is loved, even if you are too busy being something other than a mother to show him how much you care.


Anonymous said...

Ok. That's not a good fit.

If she is really neglecting her children and that you can prove it, report it.

If you just don't like that family, move on. Resentment is not healthy especially when working with kids and is a receipe for a very bad ending.

Prevent that and give your notice A.S.A.P

Whenever I genuinely don't like a family, I just give an excuse and move on with my carrear ;) . You shouldn't send her that, even if she is full of shit, it could backfire.

The only time I've sent a nasty letter was when no longer working for a family, the mom couldn't help but sent me a letter full of sarcasm to bring me down so I gave her an answer of what I was thinking of her as a mother and as a boss through sarcasm as well to put her back in her right place so she understand that if she wants to mess with me, I won't endure it and defend myself.

If she was not confrontational with you. Give your notice , and leave. You will be better if you work for a family that you genuinely like ;)

Anonymous said...

I work in a childcare center. Nobody likes her, based on her fake personality and parenting skills. Of course I would never send that letter. It's what I would say to her if I could say it and not lose my job.

Anonymous said...

Um...I think the letter is extremely unprofessional - it's a rant. If you do want to send a letter - do not judge in it. State the facts, and that's all. If you believe there's abuse contact DCFS or something, not your director.
It's really that simple

Jess said...

Don't write notes. Contact CPS with all of your documentation. You shouldn't be working at this center and you need to notify the overseeing agency (DHS or similar). Someone needs to advocate for the kids. I don't care what the mother's malfunction is. That's almost irrelevant. The issue is no one is taking care of these kids. Someone needs to notify the authorities asap. Get a social worker involved.

Let go of your own issues. You dislike the family (and quite possibly the kids) but it's not the kids fault at this point. They need someone to intervene. Be that person.

OP said...


And why do you feel I shouldn't be working at the center-considering I've been there for seven-yes seven years and have great relationships with the families. I'm following proper procedure as indicated by DHFS rules, and center policies. I'm aware of what the issues are, and I will write a statement on development for J if needed. Do you know what a "paper trail" is? Documentation, written statements and notes are going to present a stronger case with CPS.

Jess said...

Your anger is focused on the mother when your CARE should be focused on the children. Yes, she's neglectful, harmful, opportunistic, the scum of the earth, evil incarnate or whatever, but who cares!!?!

You're worrying about the wrong things! Your focus and 100000% of your energy needs to be on remedying the situation. This means, document, document AND report, report, report everything and to anyone who'd listen. You know the problem. Find a solution.
She won't magically become a decent parent, but these kids need intervention now. Not when you finish venting your spleen.

Any time spent agonising and angsting over this woman (won't call her a mother) is time being taken away from the kids.

How are you mitigating her neglect? Are you doing everything within your power to alert the proper authorities? We get it. You hate her. And you've personalized this (which you shouldn't) but you need to think rationally, professionally and responsibly and work towards getting them away from her using legal ways and means.

Not saying that you're uncaring by any means, but your focus should be on finding a solution.

nc said...

You can hand her that letter, but that won't change mom's behavior. Your focus should be helping those kids as much as possible, as well as documenting everything. Contact CPS when in doubt!

Kate Feathers said...

I think this is touching you so deeply because it is a mirror of your own childhood. You understand that to a degree because you prefaced your statement with that. Do all you can legally and I recommend getting therapy of some kind to help you with the wounds of your childhood that still exist. A therapist whether spiritual or psychologist who does guided meditations/imagery may be a useful tool for you. Send all of your love and healing toward that family. You have to forgive others and yourself for holding onto resentments. Again, follow protocol with reporting this, but know that you can't save them. You have to heal yourself and that will be the biggest help you can pass on. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Why are you submitting here instead of calling CPS?

Kim said...

Thank you!!

Fe said...

You are projecting your experience onto them. You could be imagining things too. The family trusts you and to violate them this was is a they love their children? To call Cps is horrible. Everyone knows people that work for cps are horrible disgusting poor excuse for human beings whose job is to kidnepchildren. If you hav no con uour about destroying lives call and stop being a nanny. Family hired you to watch kids not ruin lives

Anonymous said...

I feel horrible that you waited this long to call CPS. You are a mandated reporter. You are enabling this abuse, and not protecting the children. If this is how they come to day care, then imagine their house.

Anonymous said...

@FE are you on drugs? WTF is wrong with you! She should most definitely call CPS! You have to be on something 'cause no sane, sober person would spout such drivel!

Anonymous said...

omg she just said she would never send the letter. Thanks for the update op i was curious.