Tuesday

I just want to know if I am over reacting...

Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Opinion 4 My sister in law presents herself as a devoted mother. In truth, she relies on two nannies for the care of her one child. She has a full time live-in nanny and a part time nanny. To set the course for this, I will admit; I am a stay at home mom and there are times when I am envious of her leisure, but I don't think this is the case with what she has last pulled. I know her FT nanny pretty well because she is a solid presence around the child and my brother and sister in law. I knew that the nanny was going home on Friday, the start of Yom Kippur- to visit her family 2000 miles away. The nanny was planning to be gone until 9/26. I dropped by my sister in laws house to bring her some pastries and her two year old was nowhere to be seen. I asked if she had the part time nanny working to cover FT nanny. Nope. Sister in law then matter of factly says, "FT nanny (she used the name) took her home to meet her family". I said, "took her home to X?" Sister in law looks at me like I am crazy and makes a mean comment about pop ins. Our conversation ended. I went home and told my husband, brother of her husband and he advised I just stay out of it. He also told me, 'we don't have a nanny so we don't know what it's like".  What? So even if FT Nanny has been there since the birth of child, that is only two years. And FT nanny took the child away for ten days? Am I way off or is this not responsible?

25 comments:

Bostonnanny said...

I've heard of nannies taking care of their charge over the weekend at their apt while parents went away but never heard of one actually taking a child on vacation with them. That is ridiculous, I hope they pay the nanny well and have money for therapy when the child gets older. Also hope they gave her temp custody incase something happens while they are away.

Your sister in law doesn't sound like a mother, she's just the woman who popped out the baby.

I agree with your husband that you should stay out of it completely. It will only cause problems with in the family.

Phoenix said...

I think you are jealous.

Village said...

You don't have a dog in this hunt. Stay out of it. No good can come from inserting yourself.

Think of the child. She is getting to spend quality time with someone who obviously adores her, and that is what is best for the child.

You think that primary affection should be coming from Mommy, but that is not always the case.

DDenisehartjames said...

I think that is soooo weird. I am VERY close to my nanny family (4+ years) & cannot imagine. I brought my sister over to meet her when she was in town, she spent the day (during normal working hours) with us. I have offered to take my charge for an extended weekend so the parents can have a romantic vaca (I would prefer to stay at THIER home for the comfort of the child as that is appropriate & priority) but I must say, IMO that situation is odd, not common and I too would wonder about her parenting. HOWEVER, I agree you should MYOB beause your input would not help or be appreciated I'm sure! Poor kid but lucky to have caring nannies.

MissMannah said...

I agree with everyone else, you have to stay out of it. But it is really weird. I would never take a charge on vacation with me, particularly not that far away! I hope this nanny stays with the family for a very long time because she seems to have taken the primary caregiver role, and the parents seem to be fine with that.

definitely weird said...

This is odd... but your husband is right, stay out of it. And don't do any more drop-in visits either! You don't know the whole story... your SIL and her husband might be having marital problems or health issues that make it advantageous to have the child gone for a while. Or maybe she's got some plastic surgery scheduled.

cali mom said...

That seems odd to me, but at the same time, it's absolutely none of your business. You can vent your feelings about it to your husband because he's your husband, but you'd be completely out of line to involve yourself in the parenting of someone else's kids.

cali mom said...

"...I would not let my children leave the state with my child. ..."

What?

TC said...

I don't think there is a problem per-say but it's also their stuff to deal with, I don't think you can get mad over this. This child isn't yours.

2 years ago when the hurricane hit here my bosses house as well as mine lost power...well the entire Houston area lost power and after 2 days I was fed up and told my boss I was going up to a cousins house up around Austin and asked if she wanted me to take her child, she gladly agreed and we drove the 4 hour drive there and stayed 9 days.

piscespets said...

Wow!!!! What a winner of a mother. I wouldn't worry though because the nanny raised the child so far anyway.

Although it is GREAT dish, I wouldn't say anything because it's really not up to you to say anything.

Imagine what it would have been like for the child to stay with mom when mom doesn't know how to take care of her!

Sounds like the little girl is getting a nice trip :)

Tales from the (Nanny)Hood said...

Definitely not the "norm", but sounds like the child is getting to have a vacation with her primary caregiver, and will hopefully have a great time.

As everyone else said, you haven't got a leg to stand on if you make an issue out of this, unless you know something about the nanny that would indicate the child was NOT going to be safe with her.

And I think you were also told not to drop-in at SIL's anymore. I think you should take that hint, even if you have nothing but good intentions and pastries to offer.

observer said...

It is not exactly normal for the nanny to have taken the child with her, but I don't see anything necessarily wrong with it, at least not as far as the child and nanny are concerned. I do wonder about the mother however.

Kat in her hat said...

Everyone else has already covered it, but I'll second, fourth, tenth, the sentiment.:

Is this situation a bit odd? Yes, definitely. Your sister-in-law sounds like she's not comfortable parenting her own child and this nanny has kind of crossed over roles into "mommy" territory (in order to pick up the slack). However, (and this is a big "however") saying something to your in-laws is WAY out of line. This isn't the way you wish to raise your child (and isn't a way a lot of women would desire to) but it's certainly not harming or endangering your niece. Time to mind your own business and just be thankful that your kids won't be asking you to foot their massive therapy bills as adults.

xfileluv said...

When I was a nanny I brought my charge home (from Boston to OH) on my vacation and we had a blast. To this day, my parents still talk about how much fun she was. She was around 6 at the time, I was around 19, and everybody agreed that it was a great experience.

mary said...

I think while your sister in law sounds like her parenting styles and philosophies are completely opposite of your own, you still need to stay out of it.

Take a look at yourself: do you think you are overstepping your bounds? It is their family, after all. You say yourself that you envy your sister in law's leisure.

You should look at your own life and be grateful for what you have and the kind of mother you are. I myself am a single mom and I have to work. I wish to God I could stay home with my child.

Count your blessings and don't be a meddler. You will only be resented for it.

another nanny said...

Well, OP, there's no way I'd let someone take my toddler on a 10-day trip 2000 miles away. And as a nanny, there's no way I'd take someone else's 2-year-old on a trip like that...But as everyone has said, it's not your place to say anything. Your husband is wrong that it only seems weird because you don't have a nanny, but there's nothing to be gained from telling your SIL she's a bad parent.

bippityboppityboo said...

Super odd. Your sister in law sounds incompetent but I would still stay out of it.

Gossip Girl said...

Even though it's not really your business I would be saying something to my MIL...causal like in passing-just because it's weird and I'm a gossip though:)

MissMannah said...

Come to think of it, I'd probably say something to my mother-in-law too...but that's because we have a closer relationship than she does with her other two daughters-in-law. We gossip about them too much. *blush* OP, don't try to start family rifts.

Oh boy!! said...

I agree with your husband to stay out of it for now. Afterall you do not know your in laws whole story. For all you know she could be having marital issues, money problems, ill, or no disire for parental responsibility it could be anything.

I also agree it is extremely odd and troubling to hear. As a nanny I would NEVER take or agree to take someone elses child on a trip, let alone let my own child on a trip without me at such a young age.

This is strange and I see your concern. I would for now on call before stopping by, and keep the conversation neutral when speaking to your SIL so you don't end up in the fray with her.

But it would be worth bringing it up in casual converstation with your mother in law or close friends that are familiar with your in laws situation with child care to maybe get a better understanding or answers to burning concerns you have. Maybe even start off the convo to your MIL/friends by saying "I am thinking about going back to work but I am extremely nervous about putting my little one in daycare or in the care of a nanny, it would just be nice to get some opinions from people who do have day care/nannies,, maybe I should ask SIL she has a nanny right?." Or something to that affect see where it goes from there.
Keep us posted!

Gossip is a no go. said...

I don't think you should talk to the mother-in-law unless you are seriously concerned for the child's safety. Starting gossip within a family is never good. If you are only starting to wonder at the child's well-being, you could start to take notes on this and other odd or troubling incidents. Don't start trouble just for the sake of trouble.

suspicious dad said...

Obviously, she is well off but there may be more to the reason for having the ONE child than you have mentioned. I suspect that some women have one child to solidify their relationship or to solidify their financial future. In either case, the child may be a means to an end. If so, there is really no reason for the mother to "work" on taking care of her child.

anon said...

Maybe taking the charge with her is the only way she could get 10 days off. Otherwise, the mom would have to watch her own child for all of those days.

soldiers-pixie said...

I think you might be overreacting. Though whatever mean comment about pop-ins might've been a bit much, I see nothing wrong with what's gone on. When I was a little, my parents had a weekday/full time nanny for myself and my older brother and sister and our nanny's sister (who had been working for my family for about 15 years by the time her sister became f/t nanny) was our once-a-week housekeeper and would also take care of us on Satudays (take us on trips to the zoo and other fun things).

Many times as a child, either one of them would take us to Queens or New Jersey to visit their family, and the pt nanny/housekeeper who would treat me like a 2nd daugher, took us to Peru (yes, a whole other country) to visit their family there. There was absolutely nothing wrong with this and it exposed us to things we would not have had in our lives if vacations were left only to our parents.

Its because of them and these trips my parents allowed and paid for, that I grew up with a large second family who now, well into adulthood, I am still very close to, both just a state away and in another country. It is because of this I've grown up speaking Spanish like a native speaker.

I think before you judge what your sister-in-law did, you should consider that perhaps she and your brother-in-law want to open their child to experiences that they themselves may not be able to provide but know that their f/t nanny can.

seeinggreen said...

yea, ure jealous.