Out With the Old and In With the New

Received Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Perspective and Opinion on ISYN Has anyone ever heard of such a problem? I am the stepmother to be of a father of three children. Mother has been in and out of their lives since the youngest was 1. She has spent time in rehab, time in a mental institution and has been living in Australia for the past 2 years with no contact to the children. She has no rights to the children. The oldest child is now 11.

They have had the same nanny for the past three years. She was also there nanny for two years, previously- with a one year lapse in service. The nanny is a good nanny. She is the sort of nanny many a family would be happy to scoop up. But as the soon to be stepmother of these children, I don't think she fits in. She has had Thanksgiving with the family the past two years. I suggested to my soon to be husband that she not come this year and he was not happy with the idea. We have not been together long and our engagement is expected to be short. He thought we should include her this year and gradually phase her out. The children are crazy for this woman. There is no question that they prefer her over me. The nanny that tries to make a big show about trying to include me in her activities with the children. For example, making mini pumpkin pies. I think she enjoyed that I was the fifth wheel. I think she enjoys that she knows there whole history and that the children go to her for their questions and everything.

I work full time now, so I have to decide what to do. My career is important to me, but if I go to work, I am rather certain we need to hire a new nanny. One that comes in to our life, rather than me coming in to their lives. Not that I think anyone should be made to feel like an outsider, but I definitely should not. From the youngest one, I have had to put up with such things as "I don't want you to be our mommy, I want (nanny's name) to be our mommy". My soon to be husband thinks everything will work out and keeps telling me how much the children have been through emotionally with their mother and that I should be more patient.

All the child books I have read say that children are resillient and we don't give them enough credit. I don't think it benefits the children to play in to their hands. I think they need to just accept how things are going to be and the nanny needs to go quietly. Back to my story about Thanksgiving. In order to not hurt the nanny's feelings, we all went away for Thanksgiving. We paid for nanny to go home to her boyfriend's family. The boyfriend just got sent on another tour about 2 months ago. Even without the nanny the children all said a prayer which included thanks to the nanny and how much they loved her. I had to sit there just steaming and appear gracious to be soon to be inlaws, (who also adore the nanny).

Again, I don't dislike the nanny, I just think she has served her purpose, done wonderful, but it is now time for her to venture on.


Nannysaysno said...

I'm sorry to say that I think you are being selfish and not putting the children first. The nanny is a good one and the children love her. If you truly cared for these kids you'd want that to continue. Being a stepmother will be hard enough without additionally traumatizing the children by removing such a stable caregiver. For the sake of these kids, put your jealousy aside. If you really can't, than marrying their father isn't something that's fair to anyone.

TX Mommy said...

You are a horribly selfish person and I feel sorry for those kids that you will be in their lives. Instead of working through things with them and gradually growing close to them and winning them over you want to throw out the only mother figure they've had? I could go on and on about how horrible you are, hopefully your soon to be husband will have a change of heart and not marry you and if he does maybe for the children's sake it will be a short marriage.

cali mom said...

Ewwww. You are a jealous, insecure CUNextTuesday who has unfortunately gottwn your evil claws into a good man who doesn't realize that you are intent on ruining his children'slives.

Before you consider marrying anyone, get some mental help. In the meantime, stay under your rock and try not to bother anyone.

Nv Nanny said...

I think you're a little out of line.

Children can love more than one person. It isn't like the nanny is keeping them from liking you.

They love her. The stress of getting a new mommy is enough. How do you think they will feel towards you when you come in, and nanny goes out? Don't think they won't put two and two together. They will know you did it.

This is the type of jealousy you expect from the children, not the step mom. Who cares if they said a prayer for her? That shows they have the capacity to love and have compassion for others, and the fact that they have such a wonderful nanny is just that. Wonderful. You really want to get rid of her and risk getting a horrible nanny, just because you don't know how to get on the kids good sides?

I am blown away by this post. When you marry a man, you marry his children (in a sense.) I would think you'd want them to keep this wonderful woman who you can obviously trust them with. If you have kids of your own some day, wouldn't you want someone so wonderful to care for them?

NanGal said...

ok so you want the kids to hate you even more for getting rid of their favorite nanny?? because they will know you are the reason that she was asked to leave, kids aren't stupid. I understand that you want a place in their lives, but that doesn't mean you need to axe the nanny to get one. You need to make the effort you are the adult. If she makes mini pumpkin pies with them great! Then you should go take them to the park or the zoo or something. Also think about the nanny. She obviously loves these kids and this is her job. You can't fire her because she does her job TOO well.

What Annoyed Me Today said...

I sincerely hope you reconsider your position on the nanny or at the very least tell the father your absolute feelings, just as you've told us, before your married. You are showing incredible selfishness and immaturity, and the children are going to need a more stable mother figure than it seems you will be able to provide. Motherhood is about being selfless. My advice is to keep the nanny until you learn this quality- and once you do, you'll see there is no need to dismiss her.

cali mom said...

Oh, and it's THEIR, not "there" nanny. At least try to look like an educated a$$hole instead of an ignorant a$$hole if you want anyone to consider your neurotic POV.

Teacher in a Combat Zone said...

I'm sorry, but as someone who is not yet these children's step-mother, I don't think that it is within your right to get rid of a trusted caregiver. As a step-mother of three myself (aged 14, 11 and 8; I have been their step for six years), I can see where you are coming from, but I don't agree. To demand that a caregiver that, if I am reading correctly, has been with them for five years, is not only selfish, but will more than likely make the children resent you (and their father). I only say that it is selfish because, through reading your post as a whole, it seems like you want to get rid of the nanny because she reminds you of your husband's past. You want this family all to yourself. It's understandable, but still not the right thing to do.

This nanny deserves credit for the job that she did. Assisting in picking up the pieces after a mother leaves is one of the hardest jobs that anyone can do. Trust me, I lived it. I was told more than once "I hate you!," "You're not my mother!" and "I don't have to listen to you!" My children had a very similar situation with their mother as your step-children do. It took a LONG time for me to be accepted by my oldest daughter (yes, we made it to a point where I refer to her as my daughter and she calls me "Mom"). The younger two were a little more accepting, but it took a lot of patience, love and commitment. There were many days in the beginning of our relationship that I wanted to walk out and never look back, but I loved my husband and had to love his children unconditionally. As far as I'm reading you do care for these children.

You say that you and your fiancee have not been together that long. You are expecting too much too soon. Children are not going to greet a soon-to-be step-parent with open arms. They will struggle and fight and you have a tough road ahead of you, I'm not going to lie, but the end is well worth the sacrifices. Of course right now these children prefer their nanny over you, but for the moment, it's simply because they don't know you yet. You have to show them over and over again that you love them, respect them and will always be there when they need you. Even if it means playing second fiddle to the nanny for a while. Like I said before, firing this nanny now, while their lives are in so much turmoil simply because they are gaining a step-mother will be even more traumatic and make your road much more difficult.

I urge you to attempt to befriend the nanny. Chances are she, too, feels threatened by your presence. Your fiancee is right, these things will work out. Also, being angry that your children said a prayer for their nanny is fairly ridiculous. She is their nanny and has been in their lives for five years. I would actually be more upset if they DIDN'T include her in their prayers. Your example about not wanting her at your Thanksgiving dinner was also pretty petty. Thanksgiving is a time for being thankful and grateful for what you have. You sound like you have a wonderful nanny who could become your greatest ally. Being a step-mother is a very difficult job and you need as much support as you can get.

After this lengthy post, from one step-mom to another, congratulations and buckle up, you're in for a bumpy, but extremely worthwhile ride!

cali mom said...

I just hope that OP has gotten herself spayed. If this is how she plans to enter the lives of innocent children, she should never be allowed to accidentally produce any of her own.

NanGal said...

Oooh i hope OP's nanny reads this site and shows this to the dad...

ChiNanny said...

You haven't been together long and you expect a short engagement. Why? What's the rush? Why not take the time to invest emotionally and build a bond with these children before jumping into a marriage?

If you think getting rid of their nanny will make them love you, you are sadly mistaken. They will resent you for it. How about spending your time trying to get to know them and earning their love and trust?

You sound like some wicked stepmother from a fairy tale. Kids have plenty of love to give, what happens when they love the new nanny more than you? Just keep a revolving door of nannies so the kids can never grow close to anyone?

And even kids with two biological, married parents whom they love will pray for their nanny. It's normal, get over it.

Nv Nanny said...


If nanny is trying to include you in activities, do you think maybe she sees the same thing you do, and is trying to show the children you are just as fun and loving as she is? Trying to show them she accepts you, so they will follow?

You tried to make it seem like she feels towards you how you feel towards her, but in your example she really seems to be trying to gently guide you to actually try to build a relationship with these kids.

mom said...

This is so over the top horrific that I almost wonder if the soon-to-be-displaced nanny is writing this "from the perspective of the new step-monster to be?"
Could somebody really be this unbelievably conniving and selfish and dare to write about it so blatantly and openly in a place where people are expected to give opinions about it? People who are supposed to really care about kids, no less?

If you are really the step-monster-to-be, do everybody a favor and get lost! You don't belong in the same home with children.
Take Cali Mom's advice...all of it.

Kaitlyn and Daniel said...

Have we heard of such a problem? Yeah, I've heard of the problem of a stepmother comparable to Snow White's and Cinderella's.

You want to take away a person that your future stepchildren love because of your own selfish desires? How jealous can you possibly be?

I really hope you start thinking about your future stepchildren's needs instead of your own wants.

TC said...

So let me get this straight, you are jealous of the nanny? AHAHAHAHA

God I feel bad for the kids, it's very apparent you don't give a shit about them.

gym rat said...

"I am the stepmother to be of a father of three children"

Ok, am I the only one that thinks this is off and does not make sense?
Perhaps I need more coffee - but OP, you need a heart transplant.

Tales from the (Nanny)Hood said...

Wow. Sounds like you're very very jealous, and that doesn't bode well for your marriage or your chances of having a relationship with your soon-to-be stepchildren.

To be brutally honest, I think you should slow down the wedding plans and look into individual, couples, and family therapy.

I will say that if you come in and toss the nanny out, those kids will probably show you just how resiliant they are by making your life a living hell. You will have thrown away (whether she is fired by you or simply chooses to leave because of you) their maternal figure, and they will likely make you pay dearly for that idiotic manuver.

As far as you being the outsider is ARE the outsider. Deal with it. As I said above, therapy can be quite helpful.

In your shoes, I would work terribly hard to try to make Nanny my ally. And I would do it with the genuine desire to get to know her and the children she cares for, because if Nanny accepts you, she can lead the kids in the same direction.

my opinion said...

Um.. Bitch!
Sorry, I just had to get that out. It's all I gotta say.

dadiswrongonthisone said...

Wow lady you suck.

Sorry but I think you should stay out of these children's lives. You obviously do not want what is best for them. Some people are not cut out to be a stepparent and you fit into that category.


You suck so freaking bad.

CuriousDad said...

Gee where have I heard this fairy tale before?

Yeah, uh huh. Are your really that stupid?

This is from a GUY, step mother you try and make the Nanny go on any time table but the Dads. He MAY cave in to you. Then when he sees the invariably BAD result. Your ass is out unless he is really is that much of a sucker for you.

OH, the ease the nanny out bit, thats becuase he wants you to ease into his childrens lives and PROVE you can take over her job.

If you cannot, your pussy aint tight enough to hold him for long.

Marypoppin'pills said...

Well, I can see this Post has pissed off more than quite a few... and when we have Curious Dad saying "pussy"... we have stepped into The Twilight Zone!

(Cannot stop laughing!)

baffled by this bitch said...

You obviously dislike the nanny. Do you think we are all retarded? These poor children. You show such disdain for their mother, who is still their mother no matter what problems she has, and disdain for their nanny who has loved and cared for them? And their dad loves the nanny Is that the problem? Is she more attractive than you are? Trust me, if the Dad loves you he will not care how hot she is. But for the sake of the children I hope he wises up and realizes what a complete and utter loser you are.


GimmeABreak!!! said...

You are obviously horribly jealous of this nanny and just want to get rid of her for your own selfish reasons. If you were truly concerned about these children who so obviously need consistency in their lives, you would suck it up like a big girl and stop behaving like a jealous child! You are even bothered by the fact that the children prayed for her and her boyfriend who is off at war!

You say that the kids still need a nanny, so, why get rid of this one?

MinuteMuggle said...

Wow. Did Curious Dad just curse?

:) :) :) :)

That is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lmao :)

Village said...

You remind me of that dreadful woman who Captain Von Trapp was engaged to before he married the governess; the one who intended to send the children to boarding school.

You should get down on your knees and worship that nanny. She should be included in Thanksgiving and any other holidays she wishes to attend.

You are the one who should leave the family. Leave them alone. You are cold hearted, caring much more about your position than what is best for the children. You come first, always. Do the family a favor, and walk away. They are too good for you. Go find yourself a man with no children who is as self centered as you.

I hope that man comes to his senses before your short engagement passes. He will regret his choice in time. This is a divorce in the making, which will be even worse for the children. You can't make the children love you, you idiot, by firing a nanny they love. You are cold hearted AND stupid. Screw you.

I hope Santa bring them a Christmas that excludes you. It's the best gift they will ever receive.

twinkiesmom said...

OP, have you ever watched The Sound of Music or the Parent Trap....You're set out on the same path as those stepmoms to be.

If you exercise this power over dad to fire the nanny at this time, you will ensure the hatred of these kids forever...and the oldest is about to head into the teen years....You better strap on your belt for a bumpy ride.

And I support your anger, CuriousDad, but the vagina diameter comment was a little misogynistic.

FreezinScreaminStudyinMissDee said...

Mary: I agree with what you said about Dad. I couldn't stop giggling either. Maybe Dad has had too many office parties recently.

OK, so OP, first let me tell you what a bitch you are. Wait, someone already said that-I am going to do one better-you are a selfish, heartless, IGNORANT bitch. Apparently you know nothing about child development. Do you not know that children adjust to new things throughout their lives such as new teachers, friends, schools, until college? Do you also not know that a new marriage and stepparent also take time to adjust, even so as adults you and your husband will be adjusting? The nanny has been there for longer than you have. Are you not aware that forcing the only stability they have known as a caregiver will make things worse for them? Do you not understand that they will not trust you if you fire their nanny?

As a stepchild, I adjusted to my dad's third wife (my first stepmother) fine. I knew her before he married her, and was used to having her around that when my dad got married to his current wife (number 4 and my second stepmother) I couldn't stand his being married and couldn't accept her at first, even though I was 22 at the time? I then began to realize that the spark he felt with my mother his third wife couldn't bring him, and that he feels it with his current wife, despite the fact that she is 45 and my dad is 77. He is happy, she makes him happy and that's all he needs.

As a stepmother myself to my ex fiance's daughter, she called me "Mommy Danielle" in front of him, and her own mother. This little girl preferred me to her own mother, much like the children prefer their nanny to you. I couldn't stand her mother and vice versa. Her mother is such a bitch, perhaps the two of you should get together for coffee and discuss how to ruin children's lives, since you want to ruin the lives of the man you claim to love.

Perhaps you should read a few books on parenting, stepparenting and extend the engagement until you have learned what it is like to be a parent, because its obvious you don't get it. When you say a short engagement, does that mean you are pregnant with his child and plan to married before you give birth?

I have finals in 2 weeks-that explains why I am such a bitch today...

cali mom said...

I raised an eyebrow at that too :)

Maybe this dad is a pedophile? OP sounds like she is 12 years old and reading too much Tiger Beat magazine (I know, I'm dating myself here.)

Janet English said...

CuriousDad you crack me up. "pussy". lol

MissMannah said...

Maybe the kids don't like you because you're a jerk. Just a thought. I don't blame them for wanting Nanny as a Mommy instead of you. I hope your fiance knows what he's getting into.

shame on you said...

I didn't read all of the other posts, but you are terribly insecure and pathetic.

The nanny has served her purpose, and now needs to move on? But you'd hire a new nanny? Come on.. get a grip.

I nannied for a child with a horrible step mother. She ruined all of his time with his father and made me life hell. But I worked solely for the mother, so the step mothers input was pretty useless.

Do these children a favor and back off.. you're starting off on the wrong foot. Who do you think you are? These children probably like the nanny more then you because you're a bitch. Children aren't stupid.

lester said...

being a parent isn't a popularity contest--it's acting with the best interest of the children. there should be no reason for you to change the scenario you described, unless there is something about the nanny that you're not mentioning.

you need to not perceive the nanny as a threat, but rather as an important member of the household you're joining. you can't be a fifth wheel--you are, after all a parent. the kids won't see you as some kind of interloper unless you serve to disrupt the normal patterns. you are much better off integrating yourself into these patterns with the nanny's presence then with someone else.

if you are unable to overcome this need to change the situation, you should really reconsider your role as a parent in these children's lives. being a step parent is really hard, and requires a lot of dedication and effort. you're going to need all the help you can get.

70'sBorn80'sBredMissDee said...

Tiger Beat? Cali Mom, I think I read that too. I read Bop and something else I think. My era was NKOTB, The Coreys (Feldman and Haim) River Phoenix, Kirk Cameron...I have vague memories of dancing to Shaun Cassidy and Leif Garrett records. But Rick Springfield as "Dr. Noah Drake" on was my reason for racing home from school everyday to get the last 15 minutes of GH. If Cali Mom aged herself, I really aged myself so much I have gray, not red hair now.

"867-5309...867-5309...The doo ron ron ron the doo ron ron...I wish that I had Jessie's girl..."

Bllomfield babysitter said...

You are a greedy, selfish and insecure woman and your marriage is doomed no matter who the nanny is.

Please don't try to be a mother you are not suited for it.

mom said...

OMG Village! That's the first thing I thought of too when I read this...Baroness Schrader...the unfeeling, greedy bitch who rightfully earned the disdain of all eight of the VonTrapp children.

Kids are not stupid. They see a manipulative witch worming her way into the family and they don't like it...don't like her...never will....because she's a fundamentally bad person. Selfish, unfeeling, manipulative, greedy, and very likely narcissistic. The more she pushes and manipulates to try to win them over, the more they will resist. Kids are like dogs..if they universally don't like you, it's probably YOU!

Curious dad...absolutely hilarious!!! I don't see the comment as misogynistic at all. It really only applies to those women who "make a living" with their woo hoos.

Village said...

Mom said, I also thought she was making her living with her woo hoo; I just couldn't figure out a way to say it.

note to self: murder is illegal said...

GROW UP. and for that matter-- the children WILL not get over the loss of their beloved nanny. Please grow up.

note to self: murder is illegal said...

... yup, still pissed at you.

ct nanny said...

Are you joking? You're joking right? Or just so jealous you can't see straight.

The oldest child is 11. The nanny has been with them for 5 years, which means she HAS been the second parent for most of their lives.
You say she "enjoys" that you are the outsider. Maybe she actually enjoys knowing that the children have a trusted and stable caregiver to help them make the transition to having a new significant adult in their lives.
My recommendation: Accept that the nanny is here to stay until all parties are ready to move on. Work on building your relationship with you fiance and with each child individually. Don't try too much to "take care" of them. Just make time to do a special activity with each one to get to know them. You even said you haven't known them that long. Don't expect that they will accept you right away.

Manhattan Nanny said...

This is not the same as becoming a stepmother to children of a divorce where their biological mother is still actively parenting them. YOU are going to be these children's MOTHER. That means from now on, for both you and their father, their needs come before yours, period. Can you accept that? You say children are resilient, but that doesn't mean they don't suffer loss, grief and emotional pain. Nor will they come to love you unless you earn that love. I don't think you are anywhere near capable of parenting these children, and therefore, frankly I don't give this marriage much of a chance.

ct nanny said...

Okay, and 10 minutes later, I still can't quite believe this post. After reading all these comments with reference to Snow White, Cinderella, and the Baroness, I've come to the conclusion that this is fake. Maybe it's not, but believing that is the only thing that will let me sleep tonight.

Lola said...

Everyone is reacting. But teacherinacombatzone had the best advice. This woman is there to stay (for the meantime). Try giving her some positive advice instead of just freaking out.

I HAD a wicked stepmother......then I had a great one.

I AM a stepmother. It is sooooo extremely hard.

I have never been in a similar situation, with a nanny, but I know If I ever felt anything even close to how this woman feels, I kept it inside til I could squash it into a million pieces.

If the kids don't like you, it is up to YOU to change that. No one else will. And offing people from their lives won't help.

My best advice is get out now, before you really love this man, or before his kids love you. I would say before you really love his kids....but I am not sure you are going to let that happen. Get out now, if you can't handle it. Because step-kids will tear you up inside, if you want to love them. They love you one day, and the next they hate you. They love you and then they become teenagers. They love you, and then their mother comes around and makes them feel bad about it. It's not for the faint of heart. From this little bit of yourself you exposed here, you sound like YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT......but if you are going to try, just remember, they are kids, you are an adult. It's not their fault. They will grow up and one day they will move out. At that point, will the dad still love you? Will you still be around? Because if you continue with your ways, the answer will be no..

thisis2bad said...

Hmmm... I really wanted to offer something different. But... I agree. It does not sound like you are ready for marriage or motherhood to these children. I know that's not your question though. So no, the nanny stays. You should go. Sad for everyone involved.
And "curious dad" I find your comments very tasteless. You are posting this on a message board with mostly women.

A nanny who cares said...


I understand your feelings of jealousy towards the nanny. It doesn't mean you're a bad person and you don't deserve to be called names.

I hope you understand that the children need stability in their lives. I honestly think if you talked to the nanny, and actually let her include you in some activities with the children it would do all of you some good!

Being a parent means setting aside your own needs and wishes for the well being of your kids. Please be the stepmother they need and don't try to replace one of the only constant things these children have had.

CuriousDad said...

"And I support your anger, CuriousDad, but the vagina diameter comment was a little misogynistic."

I apologize for anyone who took exception to my outburst. The comment was for a point, admittedly a crude one.

If you have no connection with him and his kids, beyond sex with him, eventually it really will not be enough to keep any blinders he is wearing concerning you on. He may still want you sexually, but will realize you are just a burden to him in taking care of his kids and will resent that in you.

From the read of the post, they are doing everything way to fast. Which means the only hold she has on him right now is the one that wraps her legs around him. Guys do not date women and get into relationships based on some cold reasoned logic, normally. They do it out of desire for the woman. He may think at this time, she is the one because she cares for him.

BUT, all relationships take work. The longer they last, the more work they take, until you both get comfortable with what you have. It is very easy to divorce these days, just because one of you feels unhappy about the relationship. Most guys are attracted to a woman at first, by the ability to make him want you, this includes your sexuality as well as being able to peak his interest. Granted, the first is more often more important then the second to a guy, at first. Once you get past that phase of the relationship and into a proper relationship all the little details start to also become important. Like being a snorer, being a class act Bi/Ba, snobbery, disliking his family, making him fire the nanny and not being able to take her place, thereby pissing off the kids. Did I mention firing the nanny and not being able to do her job and pissing off the kids? He has custody of those kids. AKA you ARE NOT the most important thing in his life. Especially once you get past the "I am in love stage". You better have more substance and class then you have shown in your writing if you do not want him to start resenting you.

He is interested in you not just as a woman in his life. Even the worst dad, who has gotten custody of his kids, will be interested in you for his KIDS as well as for himself. They may not at first, be his first priority in the worst cases, but if you cannot step up.... If you are not ready to step up for the kids, then you have a bumpy ride ahead of you in a few years.

VAnanny said...

Wow I am totally making the shocked face! For once, EVERYONE agrees on the validity of the posting! It MUST be Christmastime because a miracle did indeed take place on ISYN!

Village said...

A direct plea to the original poster.

You have no idea what you are in for as a step mother. You are not cut out to be a mother, much less a step mother. It is A LOT OF WORK and sacrifice for others, something that is totally foreign to you, as you are a very self centered individual. We are all stars of our own soap operas, but you owe it to these kids not to screw up their lives anymore. They have it tough enough without a bio mother. You are not cut out to do for others and put others first.

Think of yourself. If you marry this man, and the marriage crashes and burns, which it will, you will be that many years older. It will just make it harder on you to find an eligible man who is willing to put you first. This man can't. His children will always come first, and you will always come in fourth after the last child. You may be able to get rid of the nanny, but you won't be able to get rid of the kids. Save what youth you have left, and don't waste it on this horrible path.

You need to be first in your family. Find a man who is willing to put you on a pedestal, and do your bidding. This relationship will NEVER give you that, and will bring you untold unhappiness WHILE YOU ARE AGING. When you leave this marriage, do you want to be old AND alone? Do what is best for you, and this isn't it. You can find a single guy with no children who will worship you. Now get to work finding one, and leave this family alone.

Just in case I can reason with you, are you aware that although the overall rate of divorce is 50%, the rate of divorce for second marriages with step children is 67%? You have only a one in three chance of success. Would you bet those odds? I wouldn't. Remember, if you make this mistake, you will be getting old while you are doing it, and that is not what is best for you, and you come first. Always.

MinuteMuggle said...

a nanny who cares:

that is horrible advice. and she does deserve to be called names, if she in fact exists at all.

she is obviously a danger to these children.

I love the sound of music references and especially the parent trap one! lol she is totally like the stepmother in the parent trap the one hallie and annie keep calling "Cruella" lol!

and Tiger Beat? Great magazine! I read it cover to cover when I was a girl!

Someone's Nanny said...

I hope for his children's sake, their dad see's your post, and drops you like a hot potato. You are being completely selfish and don't deserve to be in these children's lives. They have had a rough start and it sounds like the nanny has been one of the few sources of stability in their lives. Please don't ruin that. You will scar those poor children for life.

Don't Do It! said...

After 5 years if the children didn't love their nanny, I'd be concerned as to what kind of job she is doing.The fact that the children love her so much, shows that she is doing her job well. Let me just tell you that when you find a good nanny you don't let her go. Finding a great nanny is one of the hardest things I've ever done.

chgonanny said...

I wonder if the OP has read all these posts. OP, I'd love to hear your rebuttal.

Why are you marrying so quickly? Did you get knocked up? I honestly can't think of another reason why you'd marry someone who has kids you obviously don't like. If you liked the kids, not even loved them, you'd want them happy and safe. Obviously, you don't care about that. How old are you? Your need to one-up the nanny and your jealousy make me wonder if you're much older than 21.

Please, for the kids sake, for your fiance's sake, for YOUR sake, rethink this marriage. When you marry this man, the children come with him. There is nothing wrong with not liking kids, but then don't become their step-mom.

Your jealousy is odd. Perhaps you should talk to a professional about it.

MinuteMuggle said...


I was thinking the same thing. this woman obviously needs therapy.

Allyhanna said...

"Even without the nanny the children all said a prayer which included thanks to the nanny and how much they loved her. I had to sit there just steaming "

Re-reading the post, I get the sense that this woman does not realize what she sounds like....but to become steaming mad because someone is included in a child's prayer is downright bizarre.

On the other hand, I am assuming she was not included. Perhaps daddy should have piped up and added fiance to the prayer. It makes me think that there is more to all this. I just don't think that someone this crazy would put it all out there for people to judge.

Maybe daddy and nanny have something going on.....or had before new lady showed up, and the soon to be wifey thinks that she is in the right, but doesn't want to share that part (or doesn't know outright, but knows deep down).

At least that would make SOME sense.

Not to say she's right, though, of course!

mom said...

The more I think about it, I really, really think the missing link here is that the author is most likely the nanny in question.

Stepmonster (alleged author) comes off sounding like the devil, bio mommy comes off sounding like a piece of crap...and yet this about-to-be-fired nanny comes off sounding like a warm fuzzy angel...the one bright spot in the tortured young lives of these children and their saintly dad. Doesn't add up in my mind.

MinuteMuggle said...


that is an interesting speculation, and it may very well be true! too bad we won't ever know.

I wish OP would write in!

Just Me said...

This is from the POV of someone who has a step-mom:
My parents divorced when I was a year old. I had sporadic contact with my mother but she was a liar and tried to just use us against my dad when she could attempt to.
My step-mom and dad met and were married by the time I was 5. My sister was 10.
They had my half-brother when I was 7 1/2. It was really rough on me and my sister.
It honestly took until I was 14 to have a genuinely good relationship with my step-mom. I'm now 23 and she's the only mother in my life and I'm very close with her. It took years tho.
My sister and her never really developed a good relationship but it was my sister's decision to believe the lies of our birth mother. It was her decision. They could've had a good relationship.

My point is that step-parent to step-daughter/son relationships take years and this loony OP thinks it can happen in a heartbeat. We were happy that my dad was getting married but reserved about this new woman in his life. It all worked out in time.
I agree that she needs a big boot in the ass!

Bloomfield babysitter said...

I can understand her feelings of jealousy. The woman I work for gets them too but doesn't say anything other than she wishes she could be a stay at home mom so she did not have to hear her little one call me mom by mistake now and then. I feel sorry for her. And no, my employers are not living the high life, just trying to provide a good life and future for their kids. One of the things they didn't skimp on was hiring me. For reasons I won't get into here, they can't use the much more affordable day care option or the public school's latch key kids program.

But back to this OP.

After re-reading I don't think it's written by the nanny but anything is possible. However, I think it is the would be stepmother and as I started to say I could feel sympathy for her but this line got me. "All the child books I have read say that children are resilient and we don't give them enough credit. I don't think it benefits the children to play in to their hands. I think they need to just accept how things are going to be and the nanny needs to go quietly."
Yes, SOME children are resilient when they need to be. Others are not. But does that mean you should test to see if these particular children are resilient? When we love someone we want to try to make things easier, not harder for them whenever possible. the children are already going through a huge transition with their dad getting married and you want to pile onto that difficulty and pressure by making them also have to transition to a new nanny? Your justification for this is what you read in books? Really? They should just accept it right? Why don't YOU just accept how things are. After all you are a mature, educated adult and able to comprehend the situation much better than any child. The answer:
And I am not name calling, just stating facts based upon what you posed her. After all you did not ask how to make things work out well with the children's best interest at heart or even how to make it work so everyone is happy. No, you only wanted validation to please yourself.

As for Curious Dad's comment I wasn't offended. I laughed so hard at it! People really need to lighten up in this world. We are way too PC these days.

CuriousDad said...

Oh, and after rereading the person who commented about my mysoganistic post. Specifically about commenting on the width.
Tight is slang:
1. adj./adv. an older term that still maintains its presence that means good or very nice. "Man . . . did you see that lowered Cadillac? It was tight!"

Or from another slang Dictionary:
Great, The best

both sides now said...

I have a stepmother. She is awesome. I really love her. She married my Dad when I was an adult, after my mom died of cancer and after she lost her first husband to heart disease. So as a stepdaughter, I have that perspective. It is a very special person who can be a good stepparent. It is challenging to be a good stepparent and not take the place of the real parent.

However, I am also a single mom who has been the victim of lies told by my x husband, so I am always wary of people who say that the biological mother is a liar and a loser because I am neither and my x says that about me all the time, to my child and to anyone who listens.

My point is that a child's biological parent is very important and also there are two sides to every story. I would never ever say anything against my child's father to her: he is her dad and she loves him and he loves her. That is the important thing. As she gets older she will see us for what we are.

I really don't find this post all that odd to tell you the truth: there are so many people willing to sabotage relationships to sooth their own feelings of jealousy and rage. It is simply not right. The children should be put first.

Just some food for thought.

DenverNanny said...

Heven't even read all the responses yet, but this post reminds me of every disney movie where the wicked stepmother swoops in and sends the kids off to boarding school because "they need to just accept how things are going to be"...
PLEASE don't marry a man with kids!!!!

frmrnannynowamom said...

how selfish can you be? seriously. do you care at all about how the children are affected? youre not even gonna be with them, youre going to hire another nanny because you are jealous that they like her better when she has been the only woman who cares for them for their whole lives? Even your future husband is asking you to think of the kids. He should think twice before marrying you because you obviously dont put anything ahead of yourself on the priority list.

disgusting said...

B*tch! Sorry, that's my first instinct.

How could you possibly be so out of line here? If I were the father of these children and read this I wouldn't marry you. You sound like the evil stepmother who sends the kids off to boarding school so you can have all the time with the daddy.

get over yourself and keep the one consistent mother figure these children have had in their lives.

DenverNanny said...

Teacher in a Combat Zone:
Brilliantly written advice!!

NanGal: Great idea! if only we could figure out who he is...

Curious Dad: That is my new fav post of yours!!

Twinkiesmom: Your resonse was even better! vagina diameter... LMFAO!!

And no--I don't think this is the nanny...

Phoenix said...

LOL you are jealous, spiteful, manipulative woman who is enraged deep do I know this? I am one too and I can pick you out a mile away! I actually know what your emotions are.

Take it from me. if you boot the nanny out of the family, she wins. She has had complete control over you and she made you blow your cool. Lucky for you it's just the flippin nanny...try haveing to deal with the ex being around all the time. So imagine that, the ex sitting at your dinning room table instead of the nanny! Not cool.

Who cares if the kids don't like you they will eventually (I know this too)

Ahh too funny it was like I was reading something I would've written. I had to learn to get over it, you have to too. Or you will get very bitter and your husband will resent you

cali mom said...

I don't think it's written by the nanny either because what would she have to gain? No one even knows who these people are, and that would assume that the nnny KNEW the dad was a regular reader of this board who would recognize the scenario. (Curiousdad?) ;) not really!

Some people are this neurotically jealous. I have a very old, good friend, who realizes she needs help in this area, and is luckily single. She had a VERY old male friend, whom she had been friends with since they were both in diapers. When they were teenagers, he had a crush in her, when they were in their 30's, she had a crush in him. At some later point they decided to a romantic relaionship. 2 weeks into it, she discovered that he still had names and phone numbers of other women in his address book (having not burned it before her very eyes) and was over the top with jealous rage. Needless to say, the romantic relationship did not last, though I don't know if the friendship survived.

cali mom said...

Uh, meant to say "crush ON" not "crush IN". Hmmm.

Andrea said...

I can understand how you would feel awful in a situation like this, however, you have no grounds for firing her. You could get into trouble for letting her go for no reason. The kids love her, and she is obviously good to them. I can't help but feel awful for the children that you would want to take someone who they love and are happy and safe with out of their lives.

just another mommy said...

I can't help but overall feel so very sad for these kids. To lose the nanny they love and to have you be the reason is not going to make them love you, it's going to make them sad, jealous of you and overall, less likely to like you than ever.

Please don't take these kids away from their beloved nanny.

oh well said...

Could it be a troll? It just sounds too mean to be true.

youneedaname said...

Reposting for Anonymous: (get a name!)

Anonymous said...

I strongly agree, I feel sorry for both the soon to be husband and the children. You are incredibly selfish and do not have any of their interest at heart. I hate to see this woman who has been clearly the only constant female figure in their lives get tossed out doing her job because some insecure self-centered head case can't get over herself. Think of the children and not yourself.

Dec 3, 2009 2:24:00 PM

NannyLala said...

Maybe these children would be better off with out you ........Maybe dad should marry the nanny.

gym rat said...

There has been a lot said by the readers and many serious comments made to the OP. But I am surprised that one word in particular has not been and that is "cruel". OP, what you are planning on doing to these children is just that. It is heartless and mean. Why would you want to remove the one nurturing female constant that has been in their lives for so long? I just don't understand why you can't put the best interest of these children ahead of your own jealousies.

mom said...

I think what nanny would gain by writing this is psychological vindication. Not that she would need to make this sound any worse than it is for us all to tell her that this is a terribly unfair situation, for her, the children and the father. (Although I have little to minimal sympathy for all of these idiot dads I see out there being led around by their penises at their children's, and ultimately their own, detriment.) And that we all have the utmost compassion and sympathy for her as a person and as an employee.

From the sounds of this, she is the only mother figure these kids have had in their lives. No, kids are NOT that resilient. They cannot lose their birth mother and then lose the only woman who has actively "mothered" them for most of their lives, and still be unscathed. It's simply not possible. Add in a heartless bitch who is doing everything possible to elevate herself, at the kids' expense, and this is a disaster in the making.

Seattle Nanny said...


ISYN for all intensive purposes is never this unified.

Seriously, either accept and learn to like the nanny, or for the sake of all involved, get lost.

You should be attaching yourself to the nanny, making her a friend and be the one fighting to keep her around. Not the other way around.

View her as daughter not a threat if you want any hope with the family. This sickens me.

The Baroness Paradox said...

I would remind the original poster of what happened to the stepmother to be in the Sound of Music when she tried to dump the nanny. :D

The Baroness Paradox said...


I have to wonder if that's the original poster's actual fear?

What foolishness. If only it were true, because this lady simply doesn't deserve the family.

I mean she essentially wants to kill off anyone who got or gets an "I love you" before her.

In Their Best Interest said...

I have a word to add for those considering the level of OP's selfishness.

The word is:

Grammar Nazi said...

Seattle Nanny:

The correct phrasing is "intents and purposes" not "intensive purposes." A lot of people make this mistake, so I thought I would just help you out.

Other than that, I completely, 100% agree with you.

MinuteMuggle said...

grammar nazi

I'm glad you said it cus I was gonna. I normally don't correct grammar but that one really gets my goat.

and to gym rat:

I did say "cruella" does that count?

how rude!! said...

wow! you are rotten!! There is absolutely NO reason as to why you need to hire a new nanny. Basically you seem like an evil step mother. She may make a big scene about including you to show the children it is what they should do.

She has been their nanny for five years! I honestly cannot understand how you feel it is alright to get rid of basically one of the only constant in their lives. They will come to love you, but if you get rid of their nanny you will only make them dislike you more. Hopefully their father sees who you really are before he marries you.

me said...

This has got to be a troll.

note to self: murder is illegal said...

... yeah, still pissed at you. Actually I hate you and truthfully, you make me embarrased to be a human being.

Psyber Chica said...

MPP, how bad would it be if the e-mail address of this sender was leaked? I'm sure if we had the e-mail address, we could track her down and send this to her husband. Don't you have an obligation to protect the children???

Bloomfield babysitter said...

I think it would be bad to leak the e-mail address. It's not like OP came here and declared intent to truly do physical harm to the kids. And even in that case, the admins would have an obligation to go to the authorities NOT us. For legal reasons as well as the sake of the admins integrity they can't start leaking e-mail or other personal contact.

CuriousDad said...

I am with Bloomfield babysitter. Besides if you started making emails available even once. Why would anyone want to post on here their sightings or rants? Or anything else?

djembé said...

Wow, what next? Will you ship them off to boarding school after you fire their beloved nanny?

mom said...

Although I would find secret delight in the husband to be finding out about this, I know Jane and MPP have far too much integrity to leak private information.

Unfortunately, if this woman if for real, the dad probably already knows that she is not a good person at heart. This level of selfishness and narcissism is not something one can hide. He may be somewhat of a slimeball himself and not particularly interested in somebody's long as they look good and are a good lay. (Look how many men abandon their children and unsuspecting wives for slimy homewrecking sluts. It's frightfully common.) One clue is that he is willing to go along with this heinous shrew's evil plan to phase out a perfectly good nanny, who his children love, and eventually fire her in order to hire somebody that the children have no attachment to whatsoever. Only a major a-hole would go along with something so cruel to his children and to somebody who has apparently been a very faithful and good employee for many, many years. Think about it. He may be getting what he deserves...but the kids and nanny are innocent.

Village said...

I think the father is getting rolled. I don't think he realizes what a witch this woman is. He's probably thinking with his little head. That's why you shouldn't rush into marriage until the new wears off.

Am I the only one who is DYING to know if the nanny has seen this, and more importantly, shown it to the father? Maybe it wouldn't help. Maybe he is so hell bent on getting married to this woman, he won't see the truth. But it will come out. This has disaster written all over it.

One more thing. Okay two. Is this a record for number of comments, and is this the first time everyone has agreed? I think I have read all the comments, and everyone seems to agree the nanny stays, and the witch goes.

MinuteMuggle said...

agreed. record number of comments. totally impressive!

Marypoppin'pills said...

Ok.. addressing some of the questions here... No, we would never leak out any private information from a Poster. It would defeat the purpose of someone feeling safe and anonymous in reporting child neglect and abuse. If we were to release this information, people would stop reporting.

As for record number of comments... I believe it is in the neighborhood of 200+ with one of the record setters being the "KuKu" post.

MPP said...

I believe this Post is the winner as the highest number of comments on ISYN with 273.

nannyinmanhattan said...

I wouldn't even bother to read the other 91 postings because I believe you've ventured onto the wrong site and set yourself up to be flamed (which you deserve)

You are horribly selfish.
Horribly!! And I feel sorry for the family you about to join.
Poor kids , poor husband to be.
I sincerely hope he does not marry you.

Yawn said...

Instead of you getting a new nanny, I think that their father should get a new fiancee. You're not demonstrating the capicity to parent these children. Very selfish.

cali mom said...

So OP, I just re-read your post. Why, pray tell, did you feel you had to "pretend" to be gracious in front of your allegedly soon to be in-laws? If not because you knew that you were in reality being a total slimy selfish underhanded manipulative evil crazy bitch, then why? For some reason you seem to suspect they would not see things your way.

Ex-Nanny said...

I am sure the other posters have already told you that you shouldn't get rid of the nanny and why so I won't go into that. However I do want to ask, if you work fulltime exactly how much time are you spending with her anyway? If she is working while you are home and want to spend your own time with the children then maybe her hours should be cut to just while both parents are at work. Or perhaps you can use the opportunity of having childcare for two of the children and take one child out at a time for some bonding time. This woman can be your ally if you allow her to be; it sounds like she is trying to anyway by encouraging you to join her activities. Try showing the children that you too love their nanny and they may stop fighting you. Kids pick up on tension far easier than adults do and they will blame you (as the newcomer) for any ill will with the nanny. Perhaps you could try to get to know her. You may even find that you like her!

very annoyed! said...

gosh I wish this idiot would come back on here and say something. I would love to know what she thinks with all our responses. If she thought she would get any sympathy she obviously thought wrong. I hope for everyone's sake this is either fake or she was just in a really bad mood and wouldn't dream of getting rid of the nanny. The dad needs to also put his foot down and realize you should not slowly get rid of her.

cali mom said...

Come to think of it, this was posted one week after the kinky-tinky toys story that everyone called bullshit on, so maybe this is another bit of creative writing. I'd prefer to think someone that nasty was just a fictional character but we all know there are some really vile people on the loose among us, so who knows.

OnlyDadHere said...

It's been said but I have to say...


So sad for those kids

Lindsey said...

Someone please find this woman's "Fiance" and tell him to run, and never look back.

Lady you got some nerve. This nanny has been the only constand woman in their lives, who provides love and care and you want to ri that away because you are jealous? So obvious you don't have kids of your own, you don't have a maternal bone in your body.

Do these kids and this guy a favor and get lost. Find a man with no kids, because you will never be #1 in a mans life who already has kids, and it seems as if you can't handle being anything but #1.

Phoenix said...

OP I don't think you should do anything as drastic as firing the nanny, the kids haven't warmed up to you yet. And from the sounds of it I really don't think they should.
Take it from me I know exactly what you are feeling it is possessive, defensive, spiteful (not jealousy per say), vengeful, cruel... I can keep going. You just have to check yourself and accept it, take valium if you have to. It will take you maybe 5 years to get over it and every time you see her you will want to punch her in the face, but don't just walk away. It took me a long time to get over those feelings and i still have them on occasion but I had to learn not to take it out on anyone because they were my feelings and nobody could control that. I wanted to take it out on the kid and rip people out of his life but I couldn't though i really really really wanted to. If you love your finance just focus on that. Think of it this way you got it easy. You are not thrown into the mother role which means you can't really hurt anyone, let the kids warm up to you and ask the nanny if you could have a day with just you and the kids if you really think spending time with them is important to you.

Sorry other commenters but I know what she is going through and it is really hard to deal with and emotionally upsetting. These are real situations because I have been through it. I don't think there is anything wrong with the way she feels, those are her feelings and no one can change that, she just needs the tools on how to deal with it. Take it from me if she doesn't learn how to cope with those feelings she will turn very bitter and that is just a sad state to be.

mom said...

But you are not focusing on the big difference between her and you...SHE already has an agreement from the dad to phase the nanny out and fire her. She is not sucking anything up, realizing that the kids come first and her feelings are hers alone to learn to live with. Instead, she expects the kids to do all the sucking up, so she can make believe she is the center of a loving relationship that she has so far done nothing to earn.

She doesn't want a real relationship with the kids...she just wants it to appear like she has one. Either that or she has the maturity and patience of a gnat, because any normal, rational adult realizes that a true loving relationship of any kind takes a long, long time to form.

Frankly, I'm shocked that she didn't just take the shortcut most of these types of women take and simply have a baby of her own with dad and phase his kids out instead.