Received Saturday, September 13, 2008. - Perspective & Opinion
Am I being insensitive or is my nanny? I am a full time working Mom and was a fairly regular ISYN poster until a few months ago. During that time I have been busy visiting doctors and taking my youngest for tests. He is two now and still is not talking, does not seem to always hear us when we call, and some behaviors that started as funny quirks have turned downright odd (like spinning all over the room like a top, and almost obsessively lining up toys, silverware, etc).
After a month of tests and doctors, he was diagnosed with PDD-NOS. He has started behavioral therapy at a school nearby five days a week for three hours a day and has speech therapy in my home three days a week for 45 minutes.
Today my nanny told me that since she is taking care of a "special needs" child she should get a significant raise and babbled on about someone she knows who takes care a retarded (her term, not mine) boy and makes much more than her. I was taken aback (and honestly insulted), bit my lip and told her we would discuss it next week, but the more I think of it the angrier I get.
I pay well--about 10% above my neighbors and my son is not any extra burden--he is the same sweet, funny child he was last month and all she needs to do that's "extra" is transport him to a pre-school like program a year earlier than we planned. And, rather than having to engage and play with a toddler for 9 hours a day, she has 3 to 4 hours a day where she is not responsible for him and can relax and do what she wants. Part of me wants to tell her no way and if you don't like the job leave, but she does a good job and does seem to genuinely care for my children.
I know that I am overly emotional right now--but am I wrong to be offended by her request and am I wrong to say no?
66 comments:
OP/Mom,
Posting this for you was extremely difficult because I felt your anguish.
Since your son will be in School, the Nanny will be working approximately 20 hours a week less than before, so I find it incredulous that she would want a raise in pay.
Whatever she feels she deserves in a raise should be balanced out because of that.
I'm sure you care very much for your Nanny.... but I find her to be insensitive and greedy.
I wish you and your son the best. You sound like a wonderful Mom.
Having been in your situation when my own son was young, I find this woman's behavior disgusting.
She may be doing a good job, but it is clear she sees your son as a job and is enterprising on your unfortunate circumstances to bilk you for more money. A compassionate person would take the time to understand just how emotioally difficult this is for you and offer some support not view it as an opportunity for themselves.
There are plenty of moms out there who have "normal developing" chldren who are an absolute nightmare to take care of--hyperactive, climbers, the kind that turn everything upside down (I have a 2 year old like this also) who are MUCH more work to take care of than my son ever was.
Good luck with your son. If it helps at all, my son is now 11 and doing really well. He does go to a school for children with language disabilites in Greenwich CT but is doing great. He'll probably be mainstreamed within 2 years.
I have an 8 year old with PDD-NOS, and he is no more of a problem than any energetic, playful child his age. Your nanny is trying to take advantage of you, and I think her use of the word "retarded" is really ignorant and offensive. Most children with this diagnosis have the same intellect as their peers and actually do rather well academically, and it looks like you are doing everything you can to help him along.
If you ask me, you will find you have a harder problem dealing with other people like her than you will your own child.
IMO, I would fire her.
As a nanny, I am offended by your nanny's selfish greed. Her workload has decreased in general, and asking for a raise when you're dealing with a new DX for your son is plain rude.
Now, if she hasn't had a raise in more than a year, and her job performance is generally very good, she might have simply decided to use this situation to (awkwardly and rudely) bring up the issue.
If she is due for a raise, I would sit down with her, examine her decreased workload and discuss whether fewer hours should be seen as a "raise" or whether an adjustment is needed.
If she's had a raise within the year, sit down with her and discuss the situation. Talk about whether her workload has increased, ask her what special skills she is bringing to the table WRT PPD-NOS and then make it clear that a raise is not in the cards without any extra work and skills on her part.
If she is not happy with her job or if she is truly focused on money first, she will likely quit.
If you don't want to lose her, you may have to give an increase. Frankly, I would be looking already for a new nanny in your position. Her attitude sounds very poor to me.
I agree with above posters, and especially chick. While it is not offensive for a nanny to ask for a raise, it is indeed offensive to use this diagnosis as an excuse and it sounds like she was really insensitive to you in using the comparison of the "retarded" child, which is not only offensive to your son but to the MR child in question. Gosh, don't people have any tact anymore? Sorry you are feeling so badly: it is not strange that you were offended.
To me, it's normal for a nanny to want a raise, especially as chick said if she has not already gotten one this year. However, my problem with your nanny is her manners and lack of tact in her approach. And those things are pretty important if you ask me!
Please keep us updated, OP!
Maybe you can ask her if she'd prefer a 20% increase in her hourly rate (but only for the hours she works)?
She might not be very tactful but just consider how hard it'll be for you to get a new nanny.
I agree with the above posters.
The first thing that you need to look at is the fact that she used the word "retarded".
1. It shows a lot about her personality.
2. It shows she does not understand your situation which in my opinion could be very damaging to your childs further development.
I would sit her down and ask her if she has looked into what his condition means?
I would remind her that she is working many hours less a week and that if anything she should have her hours reduced along with your paycheck. And I would only say that because I would seriously consider firing her after that meeting.
She has no tact. She sees your child as a paycheck and you as the bank. Has she at any time approached you and asked you how things are going or what she can do to help? If situations should be handled different during frustrations/tantrums? If expectations should be altered? If she hasn't then she is not the right nanny. You shouldn't have to hand her a manual with instructions.
I suggest you post an add with a special description of your beautiful child. Ask that you would prefer someone who understands special needs. I suggest you have the meeting, give her 2 weeks notice and if she doesn't come in then you don't pay her severence.
And no you are not being over emotional. Your rightfully hurt by an incensitive, ignorant nanny.
Mac & Cheese
I'm sorry, but I disagree. I don't think this nanny deserves a raise period! She's working LESS hours, so why should she get one? Mom says she already pays the nanny 10% above the going rate anyway!
If OP thinks that it would be worth it to her to give the nanny a raise so that she doesn't have to go through the trouble of finding another one, then I think she's giving in and letting herself be taken advantage of.
Out of all the posts I've ever seen on the site, this is the worst case of emotional blackmail that I've ever seen! So, if mom doesn't pay, nanny will leave? Well, good! Mom deserves better for her and her child.
I'm sorry OP, but your nanny just pisses me off. In a time when you need all of the support and guidance that you can get, this nanny has some nerve! She has no tact whatsoever, and she's really obnoxious.
I hope you do let her go. Then find someone who will be there for you and your baby. She's out there!
NANNY HERE
Okay, mom, here is my PROFESSIONAL nanny oppnion.... she's out of her mind! Okay-- a raise becasue her contract year`is up and its time for a cost of living increase.. SURE! Because your son was diagnosed with something that wasn't there (to anyone's knowledge) a month ago-- HECK NO. She is being greedy and manipulating the situation. BLEH, it makes me sick! OP--- my heart goes out to you. She is being insensitive and downright greedy. Hang in there, tell her you will discuss a raise come contract renwel and thats it. Focus on you and your son right now. Han in there, I am SO sorr your nanny, who is supposed to be your support is doing this to you....
I'm a nanny myself and I'm appalled by your nanny's behavior. NO, she does not deserve a raise. For a couple reasons in fact. 1. She is working less hours now. 2. Your child is still the same child he was when she started, and just because he got diagnosed with something, does not change who he is or her "workload". That is seriously ridiculous and I wish I could fire your nanny for you! On top of that, she seems uneducated for calling someone a "retard" and you have every right to be offended. I would be questioning your nanny's integrity at this point. She seems greedy, and not sympathetic to special needs.
Lose the emotion and face facts, an employee who does a good job deserves a raise on an anual basis. If YOUR needs change, you don't penalize a good nanny. You don't CUT her pay. If she has stayed with you through the time that your children go off to school and your children have the benefit of the same nanny (and by God she better be a good nanny who can help with homework, class projects and run the millions of child related errands that come up include shopping for school and sports supplies), then you should continue increasing her salary on an anual basis.
If you cannot afford this, you are another employer living beyond your means with a nanny you don't deserve. And that probably shows because your nanny lacts tacts and grace. What did you do, hire an Island nanny?
Ewwwwwwwwwwww
Thanks for saving a spot for my children at Duke.
sb: You're either ignorant, can't read, or are a troll. Which is it?
pissed off: M&C didn't suggest giving the nanny a raise, period. She suggested a raise for the hours she worked. In other words, she'd get a higher hourly rate like she asked for the time she was with the child that was suddenly a "burden" to her, but would stop getting paid for all the time her child was in school and/or therapy and nanny wasn't doing anything. Any nanny in their right mind would take the hint.
OP: Personally, I agree with the other commenters, and I'd ditch your nanny completely. You don't want to have someone who sees your child in this light around. I myself had to send on her way someone who saw my (preemie) twins' delays (speech and SPD) as "being lazy" (apparently her opinion was more valid than the multitude of doctors that have been following their progress since birth). Find someone who isn't going to suddenly consider your child a problem just because she thinks she can milk more money out of you for it.
sb, you are an ass!
Just because the OP's nanny decided to ask for a raise at an inappropriate time, it doesn't make her a crappy nanny, just greedy. Who doesn't want to make a buck? It's all about tact, and this nanny has none - and well, neither do you!
Besides, OP has already said she was paying above what her friends and neighbors pay for their nannies, so it's highly doubtful that she's just "another employer living beyond her means".
Talk about insensitive! You are a real jerk!
Thanks seriously?.
I was so "pissed off", it went right over my head. And none of the aggression in my post was meant for mac & cheese, I just wanted that known.
OP never stated that she didn't dock her nannies pay for the hours her child was in school. Although I believe the nanny is completely in the wrong here with how she handled it, maybe she isn't being paid for the hours the child is away. In that case, it would make more sense for her to be paid more. If she was working 9 hours a day, and suddenly had her hours and pay cut by 15-20 hours a week, that would be a huge difference. And, as for everyone that says she is just in it for the money. How do you know? I have asked for raises before, but never once did that mean I only cared about the money. But, this is a JOB, the main reason people work is MONEY!
SB, you are gross. "Thanks for saving a spot for my kid at Duke?" I really hope you are not refering to her child because he has PDD-NOS. All I can say to you is thanks for leaving a med school spot for my kid at Harvard. You a-hole. Let me guess, you are one of those obnoxious people who drive around with stickers on your car that read: US FIRE FIGHTERS my child saves lives, what does yours do? Or you have elementary private school stickers on your rear window. All because you need to make yourself feel like someone special. Only people who are nobody's do that. Guess what, you are unimportant and hopefully your children will be better human beings than you. That couldn't be too hard to beat.
While I agree that the nanny had really bad timing, I would think that a nanny caring for a special needs child would be paid more for the extra work. But here, since the child is starting a program and she is working less she probably doesn't need a raise.
But, why I'm really posting is that I am actually shocked that people got so upset that the nanny used the word retarded. It is people that used that word as slang that turned it into an insult. The medical term is still "mental retardation" and a child with "mental retardation" is "retarded." Its sad that we have misused the word so much that it makes us cringe and that we have had to resort to the word MR but MR is just an abreviated for retardation and one with retardation is in fact retarded.
Thats like how a bunch of kids in my high school used the word jewish or jew as an insult like "stop being so jewish" and then when they grew up and met jewish people they felt funny referring to that person as a jew. Yet, that is in fact what that person was, a protistant, a catholic, a jew. Yet Jew sounded mean and harsh because of its misuse.
I read this post by OP and I, too, am disgusted that this nanny would demand a raise and use the word "retarded child" when referencing her friend who cares for a special needs child. Apparently this nanny doesn't understand the professionalism required for this job, not the mention the emotional demands in the job of caring for children itself. Describing a child as "retarded" in the manner in which she described her friend's charge is demeaning and cold. The child's parents have a challenge raising that child to be independent and productive in society, and caring for a child with a special need, even if is it something simple like mild ADHD is stressful and requires a lot of patience. For the nanny to demand more money because OP's child is special needs is selfish, and OP needs to look at aspect of hiring another nanny, one who is caring, loving, and most of all supportive.
To the new readers of this blog:
Many of the regs here know my story, about how I was a child with special needs. OP, I hope you are reading this, because as a special needs child, I was a constant challenge to my father, brother, teachers, and classmates. The funny thing was, looking back on my childhood, was that I wasn't sure I had a problem, whereas my father, distraught and lonely after my mother's untimely death, made me think I was crazy. For the longest time, I would look at other children and wonder if I was like them, since I so often was told that I couldn't do much for myself. Part of me wondered if there was something really wrong with me, the other part of me believed that I was normal. Being 70's born and 80's raised, I was one of few children in my school who had epilepsy and ADHD. Back then, there weren't any studies done, medications, or treatment plans that there are today. Children looked at me differently, family members treated me with love, yet looked at me as the oddity in the family. Nobody, not even my own father, believed in me, nor instilled confidence in me. My self esteem was shot, and at my age, mid 30's, I am beginning to see that I truly am one of the most stunning women in the world, because of who I am as a person. I look back on my life and there were four important women-my mother, aunt, grandmother, and great aunt who are now looking down on me from heaven, and my sister, who, at 55 years old, still looks 45, and is the greatest big sister ever!
OP, I don't recollect reading in your post how old your child is, yet, even as young as newborn children recognize their self as either a joy or a burden to caregivers and teachers. Your child may not realize he is different from other children now, however in a few years he will, and if this nanny sticks around for a duration, she impact his self esteem in the long term, if she hasn't already. Sounds to me like someone needs a crash course in life, love and respect. Perhaps this nanny should leave the profession of caring for a special needs child to those of us who love, understand and support the child and family as a whole, because OP, your nanny sounds like a heartless, selfish bitch.
It feels so great to be back here! I've missed you guys!!
re: "Thanks for saving a spot for my kid at Duke?"
No, because the legions of children being raised by Island nannies with 7th grade educations is going to leave a big gaping hole for a lot of other kids to slide in to their spots.
faith, OP has made it clear that her child has not become more of a hardship since he was diagnosed. He is the same "sweet, funny child he was last month". It is a misnomer that children with PDD-NOS are more difficult to take care of, and it's not anyone's fault for assuming that, but this nanny should get educated about it if she plans on caring for him.
And to sb, you are very cruel. I hope you are not exposed often to any children.
SB
What in the hell gives you the right to assume that this mom has hired nothing but the best for her kid? How is it not that this nanny just lost her tact when asking for more money? Mon says this nanny is great with her child in every other way.
Unfortunately, this nanny may have in one fell swoop manage to ruin a perfectly good relationship with mom because of this.
And I'm not sure if you are a nanny or a mom, but I would imagine you think you're the best too, right? Well, with your attitude, I would beg to differ.
Lady,
you need to light a fire in your fireplace, get a poker, heat it til it's bubbling read and jam that poker in your nanny's ass.
Fuck her. What kind of bitch ass punk do you have taking care of your child? I'll tell you the kind, the kind that hides her true colors fairly well, but bada bing she exposed her ugly self.
Retarded? I would have punched her in the jaw.
Fire her. Fire that bitch.
Your child deserves better and so do you!
bubbling red....
faith,
your point is a good one: it is sad, but it seems to me that the nanny in question used the word "retarded" in an improper context. It is more respectful to say "mentally retarded" or "mr" than it is to say "retarded." I know it sounds like mincing words, but in this day and age it makes sense to choose our words with care and sensitivity. It was not neccesary for OP's nanny to use that comparison.
What is all this "thanks for saving a spot for my kid in med school, yadda yadda yadda?" And people say I'm juvenile? Geez.
This nanny was insensitive. Sensitivity is an important quality in a nanny. OP, only you can decide what you want to do. I do think that special needs children deserve a special kind of care, and people who work with any type of special needs child need to be skilled and kind, patient and consistant. It was not the right time for the nanny to ask for a raise.
As far as paying her above the "going rate" let's give OP the benefit of the doubt that it is indeed above the going rate. If OP wishes to keep the nanny, and give her a raise for the hours she works and pay her on an hourly basis, her pay would probably come out to the same, no?
Good luck op and keep us updated. Try to ignore the ghetto comments from some people here who shall remain nameless. Sounds like you are trying to handle this sitch like a lady. Good for you. Too bad some people here have absolutely no class.
SB you really are an ignorant idiot.
Not all "island nannies" are only educated until 7th grade. The fact that you even stereotype is gross too.
My dad was taken out of high school in grd10 to go to war. My mom left school at Grd8 to work to support her family (where I am from school has to be paid for).
Many children don't have the priviledge to finish school and seek further education. That does not make them idiots. My parents are wise and intellegent and accomplished well enough for not having higher eduation.
If you plan for your child to go to the no.4 med school in the country im sure you won't leave them to be "educated" where needed by their nanny (no matter where she is from). They go to princeton summer school or something equivelant. Or even better they ask mom or dad for help- that's what families do.
And I hope children aren't exposed to you not the other way around.
Now if you put emphasis on speech/vocabulary and you hire someone who hardly speaks any english then that's a problem. I know jamaican nannies who speak in american english accents at work and frequently correct their charges at 9/10 yrs of age.
Stop the stereotypical comments you're just nasty.
Damn Ro, I'd hate to be caught in a dark alley with you! But you are so right on!
I think ro's point got lost in her babyish trash-mouthing.
Get a life
Ro didn't have a point. She was expressing anger at this nanny, which she has every right to do, no matter how many cuss words she used.
pissed off nanny,
a "point" is something you are expressing. If you want to express anger, that is your "point." Ro did have a point.
a person can express a point without sounding like a foul-mouthed idiot.
oh wait: ro can't do that.
Aww, come on get a life. Ro was expressing FEELING and EMOTION, not making a point. Weren't YOU pissed off after reading OP's post? Where's YOUR point? :)
You can express feeling and emotion without sounding like an idiot. That's my point.
Your nanny should be ashamed of herself but this should act as a wake up call for you to see her in her true colors. Find a new nanny!
OP being emotional does not necessarily impair your judgement. Actually in times of crisis it is sometimes easier to see who we can really trust. And your nanny does sound a bit greedy. I assume that you did not cut her salary although she is working less hours, and yet she is asking for a raise? Even if her asking for a raise was justified, I am not sure you should keep someone who thinks your child is different because he has a medical label pinned on him.
Trust your instinct
get a life - no, I meant, did you have a point to make about this post? Instead of just dogging ro?
Hey, mom, I haven't seen your comments lately.
I hope you are safe and sound.
OP, first of all your child is not "retarded" like your nanny implied. I would find another nanny asap. If this nanny thinks your child is mentallty impaired she is going to treat him as such. Do you want that? DO you want someone who uses that term? DO you want someone around your child who only sees dollar signs? I would try to find someone who has worked with a child with Pdd-Nos . The cgikld wouold then have someone who knows how to work him. He would be getting all kinds of help from a nanny that knows what she is doing. We all know that children learn from their nannies and I don't think your little guy would learn too much from this woman.
I believe everyone should get nore money when taking on more responsibilty at a job. You were willing to pay her for the time your son was at school and she wants more?
Please get a qualified nanny for your son. If you have one that has experience with this your son will have a great advantage.
To the liverlip that said cracks about people who only have 7th grade eduacations. My Dad was born in 1904. He had an 8th grade eduaction because he had to also support his mother after his father left. My father became and electrical engineer and a mechanical engineer and worked for some major companies. He also was the business manager for a huge well known Union in Chicago. You have no idea what people can do without a formal education. Some people cannot get the education that we can here in the US. It does not mean they are stupid or not as good as you. You are really a shallow person.
person doesn't need a formal education to be be a loving and understanding person who can love other people children . They just need heart which I am sure you have none.
If any Island person is educated past the seventh grade, they are probably not crawling here on their bellies working as nannies for white America.
Let us be realistic. Island nannies are ppopular because they are cheap. You can do a background check all you want, you are never going to turn up anything on the sweet little killer in your household if she killed in Jamaica.
Jamaica is unregularted and corrupt.
WHy would you take the least of what a country has to offer and allow them to work proximally to your children? Or live in your houses? Are you all idiots?
Wait, yes. You probably buy that she was a nurse, a teacher or an engineer back in Jamaica. Um huh. Yeah. Those people have good lives in Jamaica. They don't crawl on their bellies here.
When you truly care for a child you do research in a situation like this. Go online and read about the diagnosis instead of asking for a raise. A good nanny who really loves your children would want to be supportive, helpful and educated. As a professional nanny I find this behavior unacceptable. She may possibly just be a person with no "filter" but it could also be a sign of an opportunist.
Good luck with getting the help you need for your child. I'm sure you can find a better nanny who will educate herself about your child's condition and want to be helpful.
You have every right to be offended. It sounds like you need to nanny search for someone with understanding and compassion for children with special needs. You cannot do this alone and her insensitivity is not going to make this any easier. Sure, she has a valid point in asking for more money, but the fact that she actually did ask for more money with such unfortunate timing shows her true colors. I am a nanny and I was originally a special education teacher, perhaps you could luck out and find someone along these lines?
hey OP,
As a nanny, I would not have asked for more pay unless the child became more and more difficult, or if I was required to teach him more.
You're upset, and I agree that she was wrong to say that. But I don't think the nanny meant to be as bad as you think. She is being a little immature and definitely insensitive by asking you for a raise at the wrong time.
I would think you would be fine to tell her that since her responsibilities are the same, and the child is not requiring any more work than before, she should not receive a raise right now.
You could tell her you will consider a raise in 6-12 months. Maybe she will quit when she hears this and you can get someone more sensitive.
I agree with a pp! I would find a new nanny. She obviously doesn't understand how good she has it and the fact that she sought financial gain out of your situation is just sad.
OP Here: I feel I need to defend my nanny and clarify her employment terms. My nanny has been excellent. She juggles my baby and school aged children beautifully, plans great activities for my oldest two, finds music performances and puppet shows for my little guy and helps with homework (and makes sure they do it before they play). I've had neighbors and friends who've seen her with my children and commented on what a great nanny I have. The reason she makes more than other nannies in the neighborhood is because we have given her substantial annual raises every January since she has been so good. And no, I didn't cut her pay because my little guy is out of the house every morning. She is a salaried professional and I would never cut that salary because the children's activities changed. And no, she is not from the Islands (not that I think that matters if the nanny is qualified) and she does have a degree from a good college.
And I thought she loved my kids--one of the reasons we went with a daily school based program rather than in-home therapy is that I was concerned that my nanny would not be able to handle the therapy (behavioral therapy can seem a bit harsh).
As far as whether my son will be more difficult to care for, I am far from an expert in PDD-NOS, and it's impossible to know how he will develop going forward. My understanding is that children with the disorder can be highly intelligent. In fact, my child not only uses a spoon and a cup properly, but can get them from the cupboard and drawer himself--It's not like caring for an infant. And, although he is and alway has been very active and loves to run around and around, he is not violent, prone to frequent tantrums or difficult. If anything, because he often drifts off into his own world he is "easier" than my oldest two were at this age because he will focus on a toy or an object like the fringes of my carpet for long periods of time. The challenge for my nanny and us is to recognize he has drifted and make sure that he is brought back to the present by actively engaging him. But, I really don't think that is more work. Afterall, a nanny is paid to engage children, not leave them to thier own devices.
I appreciate all the advice. I am still torn--part of me says we may be better off with someone else who might understand this disorder and help with his developmental issues as many of you have suggested--but part of me says I should bend over backwards to keep someone who has been so important to our family. And, I worry he may have difficulty bonding with someone new.
I have a son with PDD also. He's 8 now, and recently tested at the top 1% of our school district for "outside the box thinking". He's never had top grades, just regular "ok" grades for these last 3 years. He started a behavior program at 3 - went to the program 4 days a week. Since he's been in public school, we've kept up with the speech therapy and PT and outside behavioral therapy that he needed. The struggle is worth every minute when you see your child with the biggest smile he's EVER had because he's in a class where he can now take honor choir, learn spanish or play an instrument. This is HIS year!
I might advise for your nanny - since she really sounds like a gem - she may be under the impression that a child labled special needs requires more pay. I think she should learn about PDD, how to compliment the behavioral training at home and maybe talk about a raise in a few months. I'm torn about this, though, because since he has a diagnosis, it has not changed his behavior. She's BEEN caring for a special needs child, just one without the proper diagnosis. I do know that anyone that I would have ever had watch my child (we don't get out much :) would've been compensated at a higher rate, simply because I know my son can be difficult at times. I'm talking babysitters, since I've been fortunate to be home with my son.
Well OP, since it sounds like you're not sure that she's done enough harm by calling your son a retard, or being insensitive by demanding more money at such an inappropriate juncture, I would advise you to just have a sit-down with her.
Be honest that she hurt your feelings, and her words and actions to you were offensive. Be firm.
Then explain to her what you told us about your son NOT being any more difficult to handle than he was before the diagnosis, and THEN tell her she is NOT due another raise until January of 2009.
Good luck with you and your baby. I hope your nanny realizes how good she's got it ... and soon!
I feel like from hearing the mom's perspective it does sound as though the nanny went about handling this situation in the wrong way. We don’t know though how old she is or what type of life experience she has. Her family may even be pushing her, telling her that kids with special needs are more work and she should insist on more pay. I agree with faith, I too am surprised by the harsh reaction toward the nanny. In general nannies that work with kids with special needs, do indeed make more money. As this child gets older things may be more difficult for the nanny and his/her wages should reflect that. At a young age oftentimes it is hard to diagnose these disorders because children still have that innocence of a baby, as they age things can change and the child doesn’t always react how they are expected to by others. I worked with a child who was Autistic and ADHD and struggled constantly with his behavior issues, it was much more work than a previous job with a child of similar age. I agree that talking to the nanny about having her "raise" equal out with hours that she is no longer with your toddler makes sense. Of course as long as she is not made to do extra work at the home, and her travel expenses are covered. But you mention she can do whatever she wants in that time frame, and as for travel expenses- based on your post it sounds like you are the type of employer who would be very reasonable with covering those/ providing a car, etc. OP- I would use your instincts and know that while you are probably emotional right now, it is wise to calm down and then do what feels right for you and your precious child. I have worked with special needs children and know both the joys and frustrations of such work. Best luck to you and yours!
excellent post, ceo!
OP,
You are too kind to defend your nanny but her comment reeks of greed and opportunism.
Many nannies are great actresses, I think she may have let her true feelings show through. I am quite close with a nanny that hates her employer. She prays (to God) that her employer should meet a fiery death when she flies or drives. She has a voodoo doll. She tells me and anyone who will listen what a lazy loser her boss is. The boss thinks the nanny is the cat's meow. She, too is one of the best paid nannies on the block. I was shocked to find out she didn't hold her boss in the highest of regards. I always assumed their relationship was based on mutual respect, but the nanny abhors the mother, especially her parenting style and would nothing left than to take permanent care of the children.
I only share this with you because I have heard many cases of nannies who smile to their bosses faces but trash and bash them as soon as they step out of the house. To their friends, the appliance guy, the deli guy, neighbors, other moms, teachers, pediatricians, taxi drivers, etc.
As for children with PDD and anyone who has one, I am convinced there is some sort of grand genius in every child with PDD. I have been shocked by the performance of young adults with PDD when it comes to standardized testing, let alone some of the out of the box thinking they have demonstrated. I have observed this in all three children I know with PDD.
I would cherish any child I took care of. I would look forward to spending more time with a child with special needs and not for more money but to make a difference.
Wow, d, well said. I have a daughter with autism and she is often underestimated but thankfully, not by everyone. Those people who keep raising the bar are the ones who should be treasured.
OP, I think the reason so many are offended by the 'retarded' comment is because your nanny used it to compare to you son, who obviously is not. You might want to keep her for now (not sure I would), but I don't think she will be equipped to work him in the long term. She might not be ready to think out of the box, which is a requirement when it comes to special needs kids, IMO and experience.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
OP,
i hear your defense but i still have to say, it was insensitive for her to ask for more pay. it's important to try to determine if she felt that the job would be harder for her, or if she was taking advantage of your situation.
maybe the task of handling a special needs child seemed bigger to her than it really is. for example, i am not sure why you wouldn't want your nanny to let your child focus on certain activities for long periods of time. maybe the idea of constantly having to bring your child back to reality is kind of overwhelming for her. as a nanny i often let the kids entertain themselves and use their own imaginations to play. it would be hard to interact so intently all day long so that could be part of why she asked for more money.
i would still say to keep the nanny, but do not offer the raise at this time. she seems like a good nanny who probably realizes she is in high demand - maybe even a litte too much. so i would only offer the raise if you think your boy starts getting harder to supervise as he gets older.
i also want to add that as an educated nanny with a BA and going on nine ECE units and three years experience, i would not have expected a raise at this time. i would not have wanted to burdon you with the extra expense if it wasn't necessary at this time. just something to consider.
What is it with you people? I do agree with some of the postings, the Nanny should not have gone about asking for a raise in that way. But working with children that have special needs is a very difficult job. The OP said she paid 10% more than her neighbors, we don't know how much that is, suppose the neighbors pay $8/hr. First off when hiring a Nanny be sure she is qualified for the position. If your child has special needs get someone who is comfortable and qualified for the job. Also, you should keep in mind the fact remains the same, your child is special and requires a lot of extra attention and the individual you choose to care for him/her should be compensated accordingly. The fact that the child is going to school now has nothing to do with how much work the Nanny does or how much pay she should get. When you are at work, you should be happy to know that your Nanny is at home ready and available if an emergency comes up with your child and she needs to rush to the school. We all know when a Nanny has 4-6 hrs free (when the children are at school) what goes on. That's when she becomes the housecleaner, errand runner, dog walker, laundress, personal shopper etc etc etc. My advice to you is to talk to your Nanny, don't let what she said eat you up inside. That's only going to cause tension within the household and thats not the best environment for your child. Let her know you were offended and she should be sorry. Also have a sit down with yourself and/or your husband and question yourself, Does she really deserve a raise? Am I paying her a just amount for her time and efforts? Is it worth looking for a new Nanny? How important is she to your child and you? Does she do a great job with your child?
Ryan, did you read the post? It says the child is no more work than before. I don't really know how this is excusable behavior. Raises definitely should be given yearly based on performance but that's it. It is entirely true that now the nanny will have even LESS time with the child and will have half the work load so why on earth would she need a raise?? She'll have 4 hours per day to rest up. Wish I had that at my job...
use of the word retarded as an insult, not applying to a mentally challenged individual - 1 slap
use of the word retarded as a description of a mentally challenged child - 2 slaps
use of the word retarded as a description of a mentally challenged child while invoking a comparison to your special needs child - 3 slaps and some tough words
OP...Your nanny is very lucky to have such a loyal employer because it's obvious you hold her in high regard and really don't want to believe that she has behaved inappropriately and may not be the best person for the job. It may be overwhelming for you to have to think about beginning a nanny search at this time but this woman does not sound like she has any sensitivity, kindness or professionalism. You may still be clinging on to the fact that she has but the evidence suggests otherwise.
Tacky Tacky.
Makes me question how sound her judgment is! That is just OUT THERE.
I certainly would never have asked for more $. In my mind- I would be thinking any extra work would certainly be off-set by all the extra free time I was getting.
Fair.
Even if I wasn't getting more free time, I still wouldn't ask for more $ as I had made a commitment. At most, I would see how things went and if the workload was beyond usual bounds I had expected I MIGHT ask for a review meeting and bring it up then or wait until 1 yr. review.
You are uneasy with this for a reason mommy, I think you should tell her and stick to your guns. If she doesn't like it- show her the door and lesson learned.
I am the mother of a child on the autistic spectrum as well so let me start by saying I wish you nothing but love and good wishes.
I am also a nanny to children on the spectrum. And yes I do command a higher salary than other nannies because of my experience.
Unless your nanny has specific training or experience, she is learning just like you are. Her on the job training will allow her to command a higher salary IN THE FUTURE, not now.
Her lack of professionalism is apparent in the he fact that she called your PDD-NOS child "retarded". These children tend to be anything but and at a young age, such as two, with early and intensive intervention, your child's potential is unlimited and as of yet, unknown.
Your nanny deserves a swift kick in the pants out the door (I mean that figuratively, of course.) For her to be shaking you down for more money at this time when you are already being drained emotionally and financially is callous, cruel and selfish and indicates someone who has no one but her own best interests at heart.
She didn't call the child retarded!! She said that nannys who care for special needs children get paid more. Her friend cares for a retarded child and is paid more. She was making an analogy. MR and autism both count as special needs. She was using the MR kid as an example of being paid more to work with a special needs kid. And if one with autism is autistic wouldn't it follow that one with retardation is retarded? She may not have come across tactfully but she really didn't say anything that insulting in my book. OP - while I agree 100% that you want the best for your child, I think you were understandably in an emotional state, caught off guard, and took it a bit extra personally. I'm guessing that being mom to a child with special needs is going to require some thick skin. Unfortuantly, many in this world lack tact.
I would request she leaves, but I would be very clear why. It is not the money per se, but her nerve! This does not sound like a caring nanny!
7:46 PM
RE-POST
I think this might be a massive miscommunication on both your parts.
She seems to not be educated about your son's diagnosis. Is there a chance that she thinks his behavior will get much worse? Or that she will have to learn many special techniques to deal with it? Or, perhaps, that she will have to give him medication? Or that she will be being paid less because she will have fewer hours? That might lead her to the conclusion that she should get a raise.
I had a similar situation, where I was suddenly asked to dispense medication to a child several times a day. I was upset, completely surprised that my job was changing so much without so much as a conversation, and I almost asked for a raise. I didn't know that the medication was added to pre-made bottles, and I wouldn't be responsible for preparing it, measuring it precisely, etc.
I would sit down and talk with her and let her know your expectations of her. Tell her that her duties will not change and you will continue to pay her the same salary, AND that if her duties change you will consider raising her pay.
She will probably accept this, because she knows you are a fair and generous employer.
I also think that her comparison of her friend's son and your son was unfortunate, but, again, if she is uneducated in this regard it might be best to chalk it up to a lesson learned and move on.
You might also ask her to do some reading about your son's condition. Provide her the materials and ask her to read them during her downtime.
Good luck, and I'm glad you have a nanny that works so well with your family.
Money aside I think the wording that your nanny used is the most telling here. She now sees your son as "retarded" (a word I hate by the way) first and the loving little boy he is second. I would get rid of her as she does not sound like she will spend the time and attention that any child regardless of their abilities should be receiving. Get yourself a new nanny who thinks of your son as a person first.
OP-
I agree with Special Needs Mom- she does not have extra training at this point and therefore should not be entitled to a raise. I have my ECE degree and 7 years experience and the only time a raise or higher pay scale is used is when an employee has done extra schooling for special needs.
I have taken a Pyschology for "Exceptional Children" and have worked in many inclusive centres. Never would I use the term retarded- even in reference to a friend's charges. If she had extra training she would probably never use the term either. This doesn't mean she is a terrible person, just that she is still learning.
I would talk to her and be honest that you were upset by her request. A raise on the basis of your son's diagnosis is not appropriate now, but perhaps you can discuss her annual raise when the time arrives.
SB and Anglophile why don't you take your narrow minded little views and bugger off. Your social commentary is not nearly as intelligent as you think and your comments will give this site a bad name.
Ooh, someone read an article in Newsweek about the legal system in Jamaica and thinks she now knows EVERYTHING about class and labour in North America. By the sounds of it you should stick to In Touch.
Two things really stand out to me:
1) She called your son "retarded" indirectly, which is a seriously inappropriate term that I believe most people find offensive. Her lack of tact here worries me in how she would go about helping your son through his therapy.
2) Her concern really seems to be about getting paid more because of his diagnosis- not because it's time for a raise or bonus, not for living expenses increasing, not because she thinks she deserves it from hard work for it. It's because your son happens to have pdd-nos.
I would look for somebody better qualified to take care of your son. You might be paying more- but it will probably be worth it if you can find someone who is totally onboard with his speech and behavioral therapy, and who will continue to work with him long after his therapists (and you) leave.
You are not wrong to be offended, you are not wrong to say no. Go with your gut.
Ok I just read the OP's update post...
I would offer to give her a raise based on new responsibilities, if she is willing to take on the new responsibilities. See if there is a local college that offers classes on behavioral/speech therapy, or something similar. I'd say if she is willing to take a course about it so she can up her level of care for him, then offer her a raise.
Plus, having that training would make her more valuable as a nanny, and as a person in general.
I sort of skimmed these, but am in general agreement with most. (Not with SB though, who sounds cruel and ignorant. BYW, SB, I believe they conduct interviews before allowing students into Duke, so you might want to be sure somebody other than yourself is in charge of your son's personality and manners lessons if you hope for him to meet their standards as a human being.)
My two cents, I was in Brooklyn for the past several days. Shucks, I didn't make it to Park Slope, as we were busy, busy, busy. But, on a happy note, I did see several parents with happy babies and small children all over town over the weekend.
OP, I htink that since this nanny is a valued employee and in such a very personal position in the lives of your family you ought to have a (very uncomfortable, I know. But these are your kids...) serious sit down converstaion where you express to her how hurt you are that she 1) used the word "retarded" to compare your son to her friends charge, and 2) she seems to be more intent on her own personal gain from this devastating news than being concerned for the child (especially since at this point there is not actually any extra work...and there is, in fact, LESS work...to be done on his behalf.) IMO oyu are well within oyur rights to feel both of these things.
Her comments were insensitive, cruel, and greedy. That is why talking these things out with here is probably the only way to get past them and have your relationship with her survive unscathed.
Beyond that, I would tell her that, should he become a high needs child in the future, you would certainly be willing to pay her as an expert in high needs childcare would be paid...provided she is actually QUALIFIED as an expret high needs childcare provider. Fair is fair. If you need a more highly qualified professional you will obviously have to pay more for one. But how dare she use this misfortune to try to extort a pay level from you that she does not deserve and has not yet earned. Just because I could use a new BMW doesn't mean I'm going to walk into a hospital and perform a brain surgery and charge somebody $65.000.00 because they happen to have a tumor they need removed....and I happen to be really good with a pack of bandaids and some Neosporin. (OK, kind of a WAY dramatic example...but hopefully you get my drift.)
OP, it sounds salvageable, but you're going to need to talk this out with her...no holds barred. She needs to know how she sounds and comes off. Hopefully she will be embarrassed that her comments came off sounding as they did. If she is, this will show that she is a good person who just is young or didn't think it through before opening her mouth (which any of us can do from time to time.) You should be able to get a good perspective on her general "decency quotient" during your talk and either 1) be very reassured that she is the nanny you want to have, or 2) realize that she is not the person you thought she was and move on to somebody more professional knowing you did your best.
And, Bless you and your son. He has a place in this world that is meant just for him. And you'll find so many ways to be joyful with and for him just as he is. Remember, we don't all have to be the same to be valuable...one as much as the next. Just love the person he is, and try not to mourn the idea of what society tells you he should be instead. We've gotten way off track in that regard...I think anyway...all in a mad race to be the first to fit through the same round hole.
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