Received Sunday, October 28, 2007-Perspective & Opinion
I wasn't sure if my comment really applies to this blog but I have a bit of a situation with my nanny and I thought I might get some good suggestions from this sight. My nanny has worked with us for just about four months and she is a lovely girl. I have a even year old daughter who adores her. The problem is that she has been exhibiting some behavior that is increasingly more bizarre and I am not sure how to deal with it. My nanny does not get paid an exorbitant amount of money as I am a single mother recently widowed and do not have a great deal of money. I have noticed that in the last couple of months my nannies wardrobe has been mirroring my daughters more and more. It started off innocently enough...they were off to the beach one day in the summer and both were wearing red bathing suits and red sundresses. I told them how cute they looked and at the end of the day my nanny went on and on about how many people thought her and her "daughter" were adorable. I don't know what that sparked in her but the situation has taken a bad turn. It seems as if almost every day they are dressed in nearly identical outfits. My nanny even went and bought herself some patent leather tap shoes so she could wear them when my daughter wears her patent leather party shoes. What really has me upset is that recently my nanny, who has naturally long brown hair, chopped her hair off into a bob similar to my daughters and died it almost the exact blond shade of my daughters hair. It seems weird to me that this is the stuff she chooses to spend her money on. I don't know if this is grounds for firing the nanny but it is very disturbing. It makes it even harder for me because my daughter adores the nanny, loves that they dress alike, and I am worried about upsetting my daughter even more after what has been an extremely traumatic year for her. I have tried to put outfits out that I want my daughter to wear but they end up getting switched so that her and the nanny can look alike every single day. Should I say something? I wanted to say something about the haircut but I didn't want to seem racist as my nanny is of oriental persuasion. Any suggestions???
137 comments:
She's only been with you for 4 months? This is odd behavior.
This is beyond odd. It is creepy. She cut her and dyed her hair to look like your daughter's? Sorry, but if she were my nanny, she'd have been gone the day she showed up like that. She sounds like she might be mentally unstable.
I agree with the above comments. I'm a nanny, and I love the kids dearly, but I always correct people who assume that I'm the mom. It makes me curious what she tells the people who assume that they are mother and daughter. And, in turn, what does she tell your daughter? Dressing alike once (or even periodically), just for fun, is one thing. Dressing alike on a daily basis-- and cutting her hair to match your daughter's-- is another thing entirely.
If I were you, I would fire her before your daughter becomes even more attached.
I have a neighbor who had a similar situation. This was before I met her. But she told me that the nanny started referring to her as "her daughter" and some other stuff that made her uncomfortable. She was also a single mom. She terminated her asap. I think the fact that you even need to post this is enough that you should get rid of her.
Separately, yet somewhat connected. I have an Asian nanny who is awesome and we love her. It's funny (she even thinks so because she tells me) that people actually think my son who looks nothing like her is her son. (I actually witnessed this when we were both with him at an indoor playground last week) We live in an area where there are a lot of nannies so it's not a natural assumption that she'd be the parent. I don't want to hear from people here saying "not all kids and parents look alike." Yeah, geniuses, I know that. I'm just pointing out this SPECIFIC fact of MY nanny situation in case this mom doesn't think anyone would think her nanny is her daughter's mother because she is of a different race. IF she was seeking comfort in that, I'm warning her that it MIGHT not be the case. Good luck and go with your gut.
Let me ask a few questions:
Exactly how does the things she buy with HER money become your concern.
Is it your employer's business what you spend YOUR money on?
What if YOUR employer thinks that you employing a nanny is not the way to spend YOUR money?
I will never understand this.
You think it's weird that she dresses like your daughter - fine, but otherwise mind your own darned business regarding the 'little' money you pay her.
You might also want to think twice about firing her- unless you think you can find another um... 'sucker' to take your low paying job. You don't seem to have many choices here.
Newsflash to all parents: Not every parent can afford a nanny- sometimes 'daycare' is the ONLY option.
Sure it is sad that you are a single mother blah, blah, blah, but whose problem is that? Send your child to daycare..it is the only care you can afford- you try telling them how to spend their money.
Sadly my friend - You get what you pay for!
I was a nanny getting paid very little for a year, and I worked just as hard for that family as I did for jobs when I was paid extremely well.
Little pay shouldn't equal terrible nanny.
And this is creepy.
That is behavior that would be fine coming from a school friend of your daughters. Or even your daughter copying the nanny.
Not a grown woman copying your daughter.
Sure the matching clothes are cute every now and then. But the haircut? Then changing outfits? I would talk to her about it... it doesn't seem right for an adult to act this way.
Ignore 2:10. Sometimes if there is nothing to blame to poster for, people will make things up to jump on you for. And don't worry, there is nothing racist about you inquiring as to why a woman is cutting and dying her hair to match a child.
Yep, definitely "2 rms w vw" material here.
However, rather than firing the young nanny, I suggest you get one of your psychology graduate friends to observe your nutty nanny first.
I would recommend you give the poor girl an easy way out to save face though.
She crossed the line when she took executive decisions on what your child wears.
Although, at the root of the problem is that the nanny really wants a husband and to have a child too.
So perhaps, the girl needs to find a boyfriend really soon now.
I suggest Craigslist! >:)
Lighten up Em...
I think that since the girl is 11 years old it should be pretty easy to find a sitter. No bottles, diapers, constant entertaining...you get my point.
OP don't be discouraged by some posters. Find yourself a nice new nanny who isn't so creepy and obsessed. You want someone who is a role model/adult, not a playmate. Let your conscience be your guide. You knew it felt odd enough that you were willing to post about it.
OOps! I meant 7 year old daughter!
2:10 what is up with you? People with less money than you do not HAVE to send their children to day care. Maybe where other people live the cost of living is cheaper and they can afford a nanny. On another note, maybe you could try talking to the nanny? she doesn't sound like a bad nanny, just that she wants kids.
so we have only nannies who abuse and belittle children or nannies who think that the children are there own. Is there no middle ground?
As a SAHM who has a PT nanny for 12 hours a week, I do wonder what you "mothers" are doing that would allow someone like a nanny to call your daughter her own? Where are you? The nanny dressing like the child sounds like a fruitcake, but outside of that, perhaps you mothers need to spend MORE time with your children. Maybe it isn't the nanny who wants to call the child her own but the child who is looking for someone to call MOM.
!!!
I would talk to her first. See if she gives you a mentally stable response, and tell her you don't like it, ask her to change this behavior, then see what happens.
Amy get off your high horse. She is a widow you jerk, so obviously she has to work to support her daughter and got a nanny to help out. You have a part time nanny and you are a SAHM so where do get off?
This sounds a little scary to me. NO,make that pretty scary.
Maybe the nanny is OK (sounds doubtful anyway), but maybe she's NOT. Is that a chance worth taking...AT ALL?
It sounds to me like your nanny is forming an unhealthy attachment to your child, and also has some serious issues. Perhaps she is allowing people in public to think she is the mother, and maybe in her fantasies she is pretending the same thing. It is NOT NORMAL for an adult to change her appearance (such a drastic hair change raises all kinds of red flags!)to play twinsies with a child. And all the time? Even a real mother would not do this, if she were normal anyway. I sometimes did a mother daughter dress-alike thing with my daughter, but only on special occasions, like maybe Easter. (Otherwise, think "Mommie Dearest"...one of the most twisted and deranged mothers I can think of!)
I would be worried that this woman could just be "off" enough that she might have created such an unhealthy obsession with your child that she might be capable of trying to steal her in the event you try to dismiss her. This is not a mentally healthy adult.
I would have her away from my daughter YESTERDAY. I can understand that you feel awkward letting her go for being so "attuned" to your daughter, but it is your child's welfare that must be the ONLY concern here.
Once she has any idea at all that she is being let go, I would never leave her alone with your child for another moment. Find a way to give her some severence pay and let her have her last two weeks as a "vacation." Tell her you want to give her some paid time to find another job since you feel so sorry for having to let her go on such short notice. Make up some excuse, such as your mother/sister/aunt/best friend (anything she might believe) is coming to live with you unexpectedly (starting TOMORROW)to care for your daughter since she feels she is not coping well with her father's death. It's not good to make a mentally unbalanced person feel angry or rejected, as this might produce any number of horrible reactions.
Good luck to you!
PS Somebody mentioned here a while back a book named "Blink." I have also read it and recommend it for the content. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS MOMMIES.Chances are better than 90% that your gut feelings are correct...even if you cannot find any "substantiating evidence" to back them up.
I'm a nanny and I'm telling you this is weird behavior especially doesn't matter if she was with you 4 months or 4 years..The child I take care has similar coloring to me and people always ask "How old is your son, he is beautiful" I resond very nicely.. "Oh, I'm his nanny and he is 3 years old". Doing it the one time your nanny and her went to the beach was cute..but if its happening every day and she even dyed her hair to look like her..then something is not right. I would talk to her before firing her though. See what kind of answer she gives you. I just think its wrong especially if she is not correcting the people who think she is her daughter. I love the child I take care of with all my heart.. but I will correct everyone who thinks he is my son.
Alwyas listen to the little voice in your head. Have a frank talk with your nanny. If the talk goes no where or you are not more comfortable after the conversation, find a replacement.
Trust your instincts
11:11, especially, is right on target (along with the others who feel the same way). Even if your nanny has not developed a dangerous obsession with her relationship with your daughter, this is unhealthy for your daughter, who needs to develop peer friendships, rather than having a quasi-adult playmate.
However, it seems quite clear that the nanny HAS developed an unhealthy obsession -- there's no indication of any kind of even minimal good mental health here.
This is totally creepy. Definately get her out the door immediately, and definately do not discuss her behavior with her -- use the relative ploy to let her down gently. Your daughter does not need the additional emotional trauma that will inevitably follow if this nanny stays in her life.
If you are still entertaining any thoughts of allowing this obviously unbalanced woman to be around your child, please take the time, immediately, to call any mental health professional you can get a few minutes with on the phone, describe this situation to them, and ask for their opinion/advice. I believe that will help clear up and lingering doubts you may have as to whether this is a healthy situation. It is not! Don't ever take even the slightest risk with your child.
You know something is wrong or you wouldn't have written. Now you have all of the validation and "permission" you need to do the right thing. Do it. Now.
That 1:29 comment is ridiculous.
I strongly agree with 11:11. Well said. You need to have her away from your daughter yesterday, indeed. Just the fact that the things the nanny is doing is raising a question in your mind should be enough. Get rid of her.
Good luck. Please let us know what happens and how things go.
i totally agree with 1247. this isn't about money. this isn't about why someone would let their nanny call their child 'their daughter'. i know in instances when people have assumed my charge was my child, i've told my boss about it.
trust your gut. if you don't trust your nanny with your child, find a new one. pronto.
Maybe she's getting back at you for calling her "oriental". Last time I checked a rug is Oriental, not a human being.
Steve at 5:06 am. You suggest using Craigslist; but I was just wondering if you heard about the nanny in Minnesota that was murdered when she went to an interview with a "family" that she found on Craigslist. I have a feeling that a lot of nannies that have heard of this situation will find other ways to find jobs. I suggest and agency.
It's like The Hand That Rocked the Cradle....
Yikes, it sounds like you've had a horrible year. Any chance of moving in with family?
2:58
She obviously was not trying to be insulting by using the term oriental. No need to go off on this wild tangent.
Sue doe-nim,
I have been thinking of that movie ever since I read this...and Mommy Dearest too. OP, rent them. (After you fire Nanny Dearest.)
OP, I am so sorry for your loss. I hope and pray that you may make the right decision. I understand that you do not want to upset your daughter, but what your daughter needs more than anything is you to be comfortable with her childcare situation. I would get rid of the nanny as smoothly and as fast as possible.
Good luck with everything
wow ya this is weird
fire her asap... it's almost perverted how she wants to be like your kid..ugh... creep
This is different than a nanny calling the kids, "her boys" or "my boy" or "my girls". I think that is sweet.
This is ass backwards. Fire her when she is already out the door.
2:58, I'm 40 years old, and I've been calling myself "Oriental" my whole life, as does my entire family. It's not an insult.
trust your gut. im a nanny and i like to dress similar to kids now and again only for estetic purposes. i also colored my hair and afterwards realised that my hair color matched the little girl i was taking care of and then i thought...... oh no now i'm going to have to correct people ALL THE TIME about only being her nanny!
If i cut my hair off in the same cut, and dressed alike every day i can honestly say that would be weird and inappropriate.
just give her notice, tell her you want someone else, and monitor her during her last days for your childs safety. if u can... pay her and let her go immeadiately.
dont talk to her about it, she'll think your the one whose nuts.
one thing though, comments about how she spends her money are innapropriate.
I don't think the comment on how she spends her money was inappropriate in this instance. I believe the OP was trying to let us know that she was spending an inappropriate amount of her money in order to look more like the child. This goes to the mental state of the nanny. Law enforcement profilers and mental health professionals also look at this kind of information. If a person is spending an inappropriate percentage of their income on a particular hobby or obsession, it tells a lot about how involved they are in a certain activity or compulsion.
2:10 is probably the creepy nanny in question.
And to me, this does sound creepy. Perhaps you could discuss your concerns with her and give her a 1 month probation during which time if you still feel uncomfortable with her behavior you let her go. In the meantime it would give you a bit of opportunity to explore other options (better nannies, daycare?) so that if you decide to fire her you have some leads on better candidates. But this sounds innapropriate enough that I don't necessarily disagree with the posters who recommend firing her now. 4 months is not that long of a time to have been working for you, and due to the rough experiences, your daughter may be especially prone to bonding with someone who sticks with her loyally, even if the person is not the best candidate. Meaning, she may bond even better with a better nanny.
Amy, did you manage to miss the part where she said she was a recently widowed SINGLE MOM? What do you expect her to do, go out and find herself a sugar daddy? Pick up her magic flute and call for the money fairy? It seems obvious to me that she wishes more than anything that she could stay home with her daughter herself, but that is obviously not possible.
Em at 2:10am, you are beyond creepy. The nanny has absolutely no right to mimmick every single grain of the poor child's identity.
OP, your nanny sounds psycho. I swear it sounds like one day she will hold you and your daughter hostage in more ways than just her dress code. Please check on everthing and all documents in your house that define you and your daughter's identity. Sounds like a case of identity theft waiting to happen.
Your nanny could be applying for credit cards and getting a state ID in your daughter's name. Before you know it, your 'daughter' will be paying off some mortgage that she never even applied for. Don't let your creepy nanny ruin your daughter's identity and her credit. Fire her immediately. I consider your case an emergency. The kind of work I do allows me to spot ID thieves, and trust me, a lot of people have no clue that they have been victimized until it's too late.
OP, secure your documents immediately, and call the credit bureaus ASAP. Better safe than sorry.
How can a SAHM who has a nanny, try to say she is more a mom than a single WORKING mother with a nanny?
This woman was forced to get a nanny so she could work. Your reasons are... what exactly?
OP.......listen to the advice of 12:47......2:10 is a whack job. I am glad to see the majority of responses on here believe this is CREEPY behavior. I STRONGLY agree. I am an in home Provider and suggest your fire her IMMEDIATELY! This girl is unbalanced! Good luck!
It's like that movie Single White Female. If you haven't seen it, OP, go rent it now. Not a great movie, but an interesting paralell to your situation.
Weird.
Next she will be trying to take the child out of the country....
be careful.
Please be careful about this. I had a nanny that did this once, she then tried to kidnap my daughter. I have not had a nanny since. PLEASE LET HER GO IMMEDIATLY!! Check all documents, FIND YOUR DAUGHTER'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE AND S.S CARD AND HIDE THEM. I know this is a lot to deal with but please, I'm basically begging you, let her go. Don't let her ruin your life or your daughters.
Meme,
it is nothing like that movie, "Single White Female", which involves two adult women. This is a very different situation.
Why didn't you (OP) insist that your child wore what you laid out for her to wear? Period.
9:52...I aware they were adults, but it was similar in that the new room mate started getting obssesed with her to the point of dressing like her and getting her hair cut and dyed the same. That is what I meant. It showed that someone would do things like that is likely unstable, like the girl in the movie...who in the end killed people.
I am so sorry for your loss, but you must deal with this situation immediately. Get rid of the nanny right away. Severance is good to prevent ill feelings just on the slim chance this is innocent behavior (but I highly doubt it). Let her go while your child is in school and plan to have another adult or family member in you home at the time. Then call your child's school counselor and teacher. They have likely reached out to your daughter already given your recent loss, and will be able to help provide support for her in this situation. Although you might be concerned about the bond, it has been only 4 months, afterall. As for affordable childcare options, consider a nanny share or an afterschool daycare program. There are some excellent daycares--your school, pediatrician, employer or local childcare council can often refer you to one. Check they have NAEYC accreditation and talk to references. Hopefully you have found a good grief support group in your area for you and your daughter. Some of the members may have recommendations for childcare options.
Wow, your daughter just lost her father and now someone wants to be her big sister and have non stop fun dress up? What the heck is wrong with you?
Sorry but this is no big deal and many Asian girls love that Harajuku style of clothing that is very doll like and whimsical. is she live in? If she is then what do you expect? they are ostensibly sisters!
How old is she? this is a very "under 25 thing" to do and truly sweet.
You are jealous and it's ok and will have to deal with it. I'm very sorry for your loss.
I personally do not find anything wrong with occasionally telling an unsuspecting public the charges are mine because you never know who may target you as a "just a nanny and a kid" nannies are very vulnerable to creeps-it's also no one's business even other nannies or parents at the playground-not unless you see them VERY often.
In a world of exposure and freaks not volunteering information is very intelligent.
Bottom line is you seem like you want to complain about something-sad but true especially as she's perfectly fine in ever other way. God help these young spirited women who take care of kids, sacrificing money for the joy that being nanny can bring who have moms with their own issues picking them apart.
I know you are grieving but don't cause anymore pain. You've got a good deal-don't blow it honey.
If you did a background check on this girl and she's fine and if you can't have a polite discussion about how the doppelganger thing is annoying and you simply let her go after listing to these old square mom's on here -you will traumatize your daughter for life.
Guaranteed if you fire her over this petty reasoning the next person you get will be awful-guaranteed.
Don't choose total control and no one getting your daughter's devotion over a loving nanny.
Trust your gut, mothers intuition is rarely wrong! I always go with my first instinct, and that has at times even saved my life! Now, add into the mix, that your nannie's behavior is exceptionally bizarre and we have a total recipe for disaster! OP, this is more than just a "feeling", her actions are screaming warning signals....you really need to let her go! She seems beyond caring, and into obsessed!
OP, please update us when you can! I think we are all worried about you (I know I am!) Also, I'm so sorry for your loss, I haven't lost my husband, but I lost my mother at the age of 14, and because of that I know how devastating it is to lose someone that you adore. I wish you the best...
10:59/11:05, you can not guarantee any one anything! How dare you tell this woman that if she fires this nanny she will in FACT get a bad one in turn! That is making a huge assumption and absolutely ridiculous! Are you by any chance another crazy obsessed psycho nanny??? And I quote: "I personally do not find anything wrong with occasionally telling an unsuspecting public the charges are mine..." You sound almost as crazy as the nanny OP has unfortunately received. Oh, and just to let you know I AM a nanny (not a mother as you assumed every one on this thread was who showed concern.) I am a nanny who loves and adores my charges, however, I realize they are NOT my children and would NEVER dream of crossing that line as it seems you and the OP's nanny have so startlingly done! Get a grip on reality baby, I don't care how much you love your charge this is not okay!
Nannyfriend,
You are a very misguided individual. I hope you are not caring for other people's children? You seem to lack common sense.
10:08,
This problem is way beyond what the child wears! Really, is that what took away from reading this whole post?
Are you the person who read the other bad nanny report about the little child running into the street while the nanny was gabbing on the phone completely unaware, and you focused in only on the fact that the OP said the nanny had fake hair extensions?
People, differing opinions are just great. But if you lack the ability to comprehend the actual issues at hand, your comments do nobody any good.
I am wondering if Nannyfriend is not the offending nanny. If not, I fear she is just as nutty and I truly hope she is not caring for children. Scary.
I sort of hope she is the offending nanny. How scary to think there might be more than one this crazy out there watching other unsuspecting people's children!
OP, please let your nanny go. I agree with most posters (except 2:10am and nannyfriend, and one or two other idiots) that this is creepy behavior. Don't let anyone make you think that you are paranoid because you are simply looking out for your daughter, and that is what good parents do.
Make sure you have company at your house when/if you fire your nanny because it sounds like she is a total nutcase. If there's just the two of you, she might accuse you of having hit her, kissed her, or some crazy story just to make your life hell for keeping her away from her obsession (from your daughter). If you and your daughter are the only people who live in your house, consider having a family member stay with you for a while.
Also, as some posters have said, secure your identity, and that of your daughter. You never know what your nanny has up her sleeve.
No, the mom is the one who is unstable for obvious reasons and few of you want to admit that.
All she has to do is have a conversation explaining she's not comfortable and if the nanny , whom is easily very young, does not get that then by all means say goodbye.
But as this mom is going low budget she may not get anyone as good or whom her daughter can trust.
This clothing obsessing Asian girl who wants to dress like Gwen Stefani sounds like she can be remedied and i took nothing from her post that said the nanny was doing anything else wrong or nefarious and you psychos are off and running like it's Lifetime chick flick.
As for being in the public with charges I never pretend they are mine but if some guy or person passes by and says "Your children are lovely, you are such a happy looking mom etc" i don't engage them with some scripted explanation speech of "oh they are not mine etc.'
they get a smile and maybe a thank you and we are on are way.
People get really nosy and you need to have a polite barrier up unless it's a familiar mom or nanny. that's just common sense jeez!
They are strangers, they get a thank you and a smile. I'm watching children not sharing my personal and this of the kids i watch with the world.
Go with your gut feeling OP. Don't let yourself become a statistic. Let the naive people ruin their own lives. You only have your child once. She deserves a real nanny, not some cartoon character.
op, your post has unleashed a string of unstable moms and nannies.
"a real nanny, not some cartoon character."
Kids love cartoons because they are fun and harmless. A "real nanny" can not be quantified, it varies from family to family.
The point is that the mother has let go of her power. Now, she's helpless to override this sinister presence in her home and had she, from the getgo, put her foot down about making the decision regarding what her daughter wore, she'd have shown the nanny just how it was going to be, and it would never have gotten this far. Get it?
anonymous at 1:56 AM,
Your narcissitic neighbor is lying through her ultra violet teeth. The nanny was fired because she was "too good". Great nannies can give even good moms a complex and we all now what's across that fence, don't we?
Thank God for strong fences.
Sinster presence?
I agree it sounds kind of creepy but she has someone from another culture. Maybe the person is just incredibly empathetic and trying to connect with the child because the child is struggling to adjust to the very recent loss of her father? OP, get your daughter in therapy and TALK to your nanny.
ASAP
And "put your foot down", that's such an asshole thing to say. We hire capable nannies so they can make decisions. A nanny who needs her hand held and who has to come to me to answer miniscule questions is useless to me. When I want my child dressed in a certain outfit, I dress him myself. Otherwise, I am thankful that I have someone to do it for me.
When I want my child dressed in an outfit that I have chosen for the day, I expect my wishes to be honored.
You sound like a CONTROL FREAK. If I need the child dressed a certain way for an event, yes. Otherwise, weather changes and I like my nanny to use her mind. Perhaps you pay less $$$ and are used to having a non thinking nanny. This has caused you to have delusions of grandeur. (zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz). I'm not impressed.
You are exactly
wrong
Gloria. It is because I pay big bucks that I do not want my instructions deviated from or gnored in ANY way. There would be Hell to pay in my household if someone decided to override my authority.
"hell to pay"
"override your authority"
You sound awfully empty. What have you done in your life or brought to this world? You seem to be getting an unfortunate amount of achievement from simply being able to 'boss' someone about.
Is it like the class bully? When we look closer, we see that he is being bullied by someone bigger than he.
Who is bossing you, oh sad and twisted, power tripping anonymous night owl?
Why don't you corral all of this energy into doing good in the world.
PS I hired a full charge nanny because I am a high level executive. What is your deal?
Gloria = Cali mom?
Gloria = Gloria
Chicago area. That's all you get.
No, you have it all wrong. It goes:
Gloria = Meme = Ro :)
None of the above, because the truth is Gloria = Kelly. Meme = Ro, Cali mom = Lorenza.
I am the only RO.
Glad you are trying to crack some code that I don't think exists. Please don't bore us with this. Or are you going to research and contrast ANONYMOUS comments too?
PS Where is JMT?
And when the child ends up kidnapped you will all be saying
"Why didnt this terrible mom fire her! There were obvious warning signs."
Fire her. Don't talk to her. It would be understandable if your daughter were changing to fit the nanny. Or if the nanny were just being more friendly, staying after hours, talking more, etc. to help her with her loss.
Changing her hair color and cut? Making your daughters clothes match? No. She is the adult... she should be helping your daughter be an individual. Not turning into your daughters clone. Go with YOUR instinct though. Not the thoughts of people on here (and some morons.)
A child your daughter's age who is coping with the death of a parent should have a mental health professional in her life. Yesterday. That person would ideally be able to guide you. But follow your instincts. No need to be unkind though.
Perhaps her low salary makes her feel like she is more part of the family making a stipend. Maybe she is immature. I am not saying this is ideal or any reason to keep her around, just that it is possible that she doesn't realize how odd her behavior is.
hi Ro,
I am neither 1:56am nor 1:58am, but I am 2:00am. I thought the first two were having too much fun so I got in just to throw them off. I wish I knew where JMT went.
2:00am
I was a nanny and I didn't feel comfortable lying saying the children where mine even though though they could of been since we have the same hair color.
The first thing I thought of when I read this was the movie, SINGLE WHITE FEMALE. I also thought of child abduction. This is too scary. I would wonder what she does to my child when I'm not around. She sounds creepy enough to do anything to her. I'm not trying to scare you.
Please keep us informed on your decision.
Take care.
Trust your instincts that there is something wrong here and let her go. Don't be frightened by the dire warnings about low cost nannies. Be upfront about your needs and salary and benefits (perhaps you can be more flexible in hours or give more time off than normal to help balance out a lower salary). The good news is that the nanny profession is full of people patient, understanding people with big hearts. I hope you can find one in your price range, but if cannot, try a nanny share or daycare. Being with other kids her age could be good for your daughter. I also agree you should have your daughter in counseling to help her deal with her loss.
As a nanny and mom this is creepy trust your instincts which I think are to fire her.
Also, although 2:10 am was harsh and nastier than need be there is some validity to what was posted there. While there are some annnies who work very hard for low pay, they are few and far between. You need to consider finding a good daycare you can afford as paying someone a non-living wage will only, more often than not, attract the wrong sort of people. Good luck!
To me this doesn't seem like a problem. Maybe the nanny dresses this way because your daughter likes it. If you have not problems with the way she cares for your daughter, the way she dresses, as long as it is not inappropriate for the job, shouldn't be a concern. If your daughter is so happy with her, perhaps you are feeling guilt that your daughter enjoys spending time with a woman other than you.
Just my two cents.
It's obvious that your daughter gets a kick out of the dressing up. The nanny doesn't sound like a psycho, as other commenters who think life immitates the movies are saying. The nanny gets carried away. Why don't you simply tell the nanny that the game of she and your daughter looking alike needs to end soon because you don't think it's healthy. Yes, tell her and stop standing back and watching and getting yourself creeped out.
What the hell is "oriental persuasion"?
I agree with the above: "oriental persuasion"? You sound like you need to wake up and get with the times. Who are you, Archie Bunker?
If it bothers you that much, you should tell the nanny that. However, prepare yourself to possibly lose or alienate your nanny or make her feel uncomfortable. There is no tactful way of telling your nanny that you think her behavior is odd or unhealthy, and you must be prepared to deal with the aftermath of that. Nothing will ever be the same again, even if she is the "lovely girl" you say she is. You will be admitting that you think she is weird. And if it were me, I would never stay after that.
I just feel bad for your daughter who lost her daddy and now she must lose her surrogate big sister as well.
Good luck.
my story:
It wasn't how she looked that made me think she was the mother, aside from being white there wasn't much resemblance- but the way she treated the children made me certain she was the mother. She was wonderfully in tune and maternal. I complimented the children saying how beautiful they were. She replied, "I know, I see them everyday and still I am blown away by how beautiful they are".
I smiled politely and backed away. I was put off by her comment, it struck me as narcissitic and not at all a gracious response to a compliment.
I later came to find out that she was the nanny.
and back to the story at hand-
I would be concerned about anyone who pretended to be the child's parents. And although this post did bring to mind the movie, Single White Female, do consider that the nanny is a foreigner who may be living like an au pair in a home where someone has died. There is a cultural barrier and she is doing what she can to connect to the child. She has gone overboard. Address it with her. And yes, your daughter should be in counseling.
I had a friend who mimicked everything I did. She got the same haircut, joined the same club, had to have the same OB as I (I could go on and on). But she wasn't trying to connect to me, she was sincerely trying to connect to the area and people around us. She had moved here from the midwest and was a bit lost so the shortest line was to mimick someone else. She hired my decorator and wanted to use the same wallpaper as I... but thankfully the decorator steered her away.
The first task for OP is not to fire this nanny, but to get help for her daughter.
Good luck.
Uh, 2:00 and 2:03:
I am Meme and only Meme, and while I have never met them personally, I am pretty sure that Ro, Lorenza, Cali Mom and Gloria are just themselves as well.
What reason would we have to change monikers as well as styles of writing? If we wanted to do that, we'd just hide behind an anonymous tag like you.
BTW...I saw JMT on one of these posts a week or so ago. I asked if it was really her but got no repsonse.
Also, she just may still be here...I used to be someone else. Sometimes personal situation warrent a change.
And, NO, I am NOT JMT.
2:03am, sorry to dissapoint you. I am not Gloria, and I am not in Chicago. Nice try though.
BASTA!
Let's get some nanny sightings! Scour the parks, patrol the streets, walk the beaches and fleece the Barnes & Nobles...
You have to fire your nanny. She sounds dangerous.
Meme, I too used to be someone else, then the haters came in, so I went anon. I am not JMT either. I am also not Cali Mom, Ro, Kelly, Lorenza, Amanda, Stephanie, Jaquawn, Kate, etc.
Hi Ble
nice to hear from you
"I know, I see them everyday and still I am blown away by how beautiful they are".
I smiled politely and backed away. I was put off by her comment, it struck me as narcissitic and not at all a gracious response to a compliment."
Oh shut up! That was a fine thing to say, you just want something to bitch about. You stupid idiots want this prescribed script said back to you like every nanny is an automaton and slave in the deep pre civil war south saying y'sum.
GET A LIFE!
A fine thing to say?
I thought it was a beautiful thing to say. But when I thought she was the mother, it seemed odd.
You at 214, why are you referencing slavery? I was referencing a wonderful nanny who was so great with the children I thought she was the mother.
Connect the dots.
Get a life?
That's so ignorant. And redundant. Like cabbage served at each repast, the repetition kills the wench at last.
1:29....I went anon for a time too. At least you only went "somewhat anonymous." LOL.
2:07...Where's ble? I dont see a comment from her.
Hi 2:07. I am not Ble either :)
Oh 2:07 is playing the who's who game now? I guess I was a bit daft. I was looking to see if ble was back. LOL!
I think crazy A's was just among us. With the disoriented slavery comment that had nothing to do with anything.
Sprak....shhhhhh! We almost forgot about her and we are trying hard to.
Sprak, you could be right. Sssshhhhh.
I thought of "her" when reading this too, but them decided against wasting any of my time bothering to try and figure it out. We will know to just ignore any insane comments, OK?
Hello, it is me again...the originator of this post. I was shocked at how many people responded to my situation. All of the comments (both the ones I agreed with and the ones I did not agree with) led me to some deep inner reflection. The truth is that I guess I have been in my own zone trying to cope with the loss of my soul mate and having to return to work that I have not been giving my daughter and her situation the attention she deserves. I would like to point out that while I referred to my nanny as oriental it was only to not be too specific should she read any of this. Although I guess if she did it wouldn't be too hard to know I was talking about her. And, as far as the money situation, yes, I was only pointing out that it seemed that a lot of her weekly salary must be going to keeping up with my daughter's wardrobe. It just seemed strange that she would spend such a large percentage of her earnings on that. Otherwise, of course I could care less what she does with her money. A red flag went up and my heart started to beat faster upon reading several of the posts. Unfortunately, I am not too close with my inlaws and my mother is deceased, father would never uproot himself to come help. But I put a call into my sister inlaw. Although we have always been very friendly, she lives in California which is so far from me. But I talked to her about the whole situation and she has agreed to come down and spend a few weeks out here. She promised me she would look after my girl while I worked and that together we would find someone (or somewhere) new. Also, I have decided to wait until she gets here (next Tuesday) until I let my nanny go. I need the morale support and some of the comments I read scared me. So I would like to thank all of you so much for helping me in my time of crisis and thank you for all the well wishes. I hope all goes well and that my nanny can move on without any drama. I will definately update the post next week after all is resolved (hopefully).
anon at 1202:
Yes. That was a beautiful thing for the nanny to say.
OP-
I hope that you and your daughter are doing okay. Good luck to you. Thank you for letting us know what you decided.
To the OP:
Good for you, for reflecting at least. And I am sorry for your loss. People do get sensitive about racial terms. Just for future reference, and so you don't get yourself in trouble again, the proper term is "asian" not "oriental."
I'm glad you are seeking out your support systems. I am one of the posters who said that you are making a big deal over nothing, and I still think that you are blowing it out of proportion. However you need to do what feels right for you, and if letting this person go is the right thing, then go for it. It is your daughter after all and you know best, not we who do not even know you, your child, or the nanny.
I would actually suggest a daycare, reason being is that there are other people around, everything is documented, teachers are educated and trained. Try a local Y: they can be pretty good, with some fun things for the kids like crafts or basketball and also other kids to play with.
Good luck: you sound like a good person. God bless, too.
OP: I am glad we could help you in some small way even. You are doing the right thing.
Keeping you in my prayers!
I am someone that felt the nanny's behavior was odd enough that you should let the nanny go, but I agree with 6:51's suggestion on the Y. My children were in full-time daycare at a Y near my office for several years. The program was excellent with very well trained, experienced teachers with early childhood education and my children made friends they still play with now three years later. They have a great afterschool program I would have taken advantage of if the distance between my daughter's school and the Y was shorter. Best wishes to you and your daughter.
That nanny has got to go NOW. But expect some drama. She's a wacko for sure.
You are jealous and have no right monitoring and being such a control freak with how your nanny spends her money. The girl is probably lonely too as in many cases with nannies but that's ultimately not the point- you can't afford a decent mature nanny which means you definitely need to NOT have live in or in home child care.
Nanny Murdered Via Craigslist:
Twenty-four-year-old Katherine Ann Olson was looking to make extra money babysitting, so she did what many young people do: go to the Web to check job postings on the popular Web site, Craigslist.com. She had success with a job hunt on Craigslist.com before. She worked as a nanny for more than a year.
After finding a listing for a babysitting job last week, authorities believe that Olson headed to a Minneapolis suburb to meet her perspective employer. She never returned home. Police found her body in the trunk of her car Friday night and now have a suspect in custody.
Police arrested a 19-year-old man who may have taken out a false ad on Craigslist and who may have lured Olson to her death. Captain David Muelken said that the man is being held without bond and will be charged with second-degree murder.
Many people use these community Web sites. It's a quick and easy way to learn about services available in certain cities: dog walkers, apartments for rent, handymen and, yes, babysitters too.
I was shocked to hear a colleague tell me that her friends frequently hire babysitters that they've found on Craigslist. She assured me that they check references. Yikes! I immediately thought this sounded risky. A criminal can easily craft stories to support what he or she wants you to believe.
I've used Craigslist numerous times for apartment hunting and have never had a problem, but I have always told someone where I was going and have had someone accompany me when meeting the owner.
Olson is not at fault, but taking additional precautions may have prevented her death. We don't yet know what happened. Did she go to someone's home? Did she meet her killer in the park where her car was found?
Finding a job or a babysitter for your kids online may seem harmless, but when it comes to getting together with these strangers, proceed with extreme caution.
this is on
http://childcaregonewrong.blogspot.com
Who knows what you are going through as you had a huge loss. I feel for you yet I also pity anyone who has to watch your kids because you will most likely be unsettled about this indefinitely. I doesn't as if sound you should employ or use any kind of childcare.
Our nanny was with us for two years when my partner died. My partner worked out of the home often and so she and my nanny were close. Closer than myself and the nanny. We had two boys who were older and a younger girl of about 5. The nanny felt so sad, both as a live in who was like family to us and for the children, especially our daughter who was in such grief over the loss that she began buying the child gifts. All sorts of gifts. I think she spent nearly 100 percent of her salary on the child for awhile before I realzied what was going on. We had a talk and everything worked out okay. To see a child who is in pain, is a very powerful thing. Nothing can make us feel as helpless and as compassionate people we will do anything we can to bring a smile to their faces. Just maybe this is what your nanny is doing. Although I don't necessarily think you should keep her. I am actually more concerned that they are developing such a close relationship. The nanny is not a permanent fixture, especially a lowly paid one and one day- maybe soon- she will get a better offer. You could not blame her for taking the job. And then what? Your little girl will have still more grief in her life. What your child needs now is help developing relationships with her peers. I suggest a peer support group and lots of time with people you have a reasonable expectation to be have a permanent place in her life.
OP, you are doing the right thing by letting her go! I had a friend go through something extremely similar, and the nanny actually "snapped" and DID attempt to kidnap the child!! I'm glad you caught this in time. Your daughter will most likely be upset at first (as I'm sure in her innocence she views the nanny as a friend) so give her LOTS of extra attention and understanding. I also agree that the Y or something similar is a great alternative! Look into it (you can always drop in just to look around and see what you think before making a decision!) There are lots of great after school programs for children between the ages of 5-12, that even having learning activities incorporated! Some schools even offer "after school safe places" right in the school...check into it!
the nanny snapped?
why do you think all your children are that endearing?
Stop lying.
Bow down and kiss the soles of the treads of the taupe boot that has walked a thousand miles hauling your portly peggy around.
9:05, if you are speaking to me (9:03), then you should stop rambling and try to form a rational sentence so I can answer your question(s). Going on about portly peggy and taupe boots is only making you look twice the nutter that I'm sure you truly are.
Sweetheart, I have better things to do with my time than lie on a stupid message board. I told the OP, what happened to my friend, to show that YES, something this DOES happen! And to be even more clear, my friends daughter was 5, and the nanny was obsessed with her (the comparison came, because my friends nanny also changed her hair style to look like the little girl, and wore matching clothes.) This isn't exactly rational behavior for an adult...though, at the time we ignorantly ignored it because her little girl loved the nanny and the nanny seemed harmless and "immature". Just because something has not personally happened to you or touched your life, does NOT mean it has not happened to others! Any more questions?
not.buying.it.
Something = sometimes, sorry typing fast...
Still, okay how 'bout you come on down here and speak with the local police (this happened 4 years a go) you could also interview the little girl if you'd like. You are SO completely ignorant to think this has never happened! I feel so sorry for you! Do you never watch the news?! Stranger things have happened my friend. Any way, I am obviously wasting my time on your, I was speaking to the OP not you. Kudo OP, you did the right thing. 9:03 over and out.
8:35 clearly didn't read the OP's update.
OP,
Please don't be hurt by the negative posters here. Just ignore them. They attack everybody for every little thing, and if there isn't anything to rationally find fault with, they just make something up.
I can guarantee you that the RATIONAL people on here do not think you are jealous of your nanny's relationship with your daughter.
Nobody rational thinks you are doomed to inferior childcare because you are on a limited income.
Nobody rational questions your concern about the nanny spending a disproportionate amount of her income trying to be the twin of a first grader. That's a huge red flag.
Nobody rational thinks this is anything but a problem waiting to happen.
Those of us who do not get pleasure from other people's misery are very happy for you, and relieved, to hear that you are having your sister in law come to stay for a while and that she is going to help support you in finding a better situation for you and your daughter.
I'm sorry for your terrible loss. I'm glad you posted, and I hope you and your daughter find much happiness in life.
We would love to hear from you when you get situated to know how everything is going with you. Please let us know.
"Single White Female" ring any bells with people?
'Thanks for your time, we have appreciated it but this is not working out.' and wave goodbye to her. That is escalating and just too scary, imo. The clothes are one thing....it's the drastic appearance change (with the haircut and dye job)that would have me uneasy...
It is of course entirely possible that "oriental" nanny is trying out some white boy culture for herself. The clothes, the hair. She is young. What person doesn'te experiment with diff looks? The fact that the child has the same general look could do with the child's general whiteness!
I don't know. But I agree that your child should not be getting so close to a nanny right now. Because another loss would be horrific and the nanny would have assumed the role/place of the lost parent, so it could end up feeling to her like she had lost another parental figure.
But that is the destructive and frankly gross part about all of this, when you have another women living in your home full time even live out, children do grow hugely attached to them, you can't trust and love as a child without becoming attached. Children like structure and permanence.
Think of how hard it is occasionally for even close friends or relatives to come stay for extended periods without there being problems and annoyances. Now put a woman who is not family in that same position and she's in a no win situation.
No one rational has a nanny.
1:48
"No one rational has a nanny."
I'm sorry, did you miss the part where she says she's a widow?
Where's the sisterhood?
Yes, the OP selfishly became widowed and then went back to work in order to support her child's basic physical needs. Thoughtlessly, she tried to find a caregiver who cared for her child, and who her child would like in return.
(I am being sarcastic.)
Who are you people who have to attack everybody all the time? Are you seriously consumed with such anger and filled with such negativity that you need to come anonymously onto the computer and invent reasons to vent your very inappropriate rage at complete strangers? Frankly, I feel sorry for you...and your husbands. (But also I have to admit that I'm growing a little bit weary of your tiresome childishness.)
This poor woman lost her husband, was forced back into the workforce when she had obviously been raising her daughter herself and would have probably have given anything to be the one at home with her, and came to this blog for some help when she found herself in over her head with an unexpected nanny problem. Have you no compassion for anybody at all?
Seriously, what's wrong with some of you?
If she's widowed then paying another woman a low wage because she has to work or hiring a freak who dresses like a 2nd grader because she can't afford decent nanny is not the answer.
She should go on welfare, that's what it's actually there in case anyone forgot. Do anything but don't get a nanny.
"Where's the sisterhood?"
Indeed! The feminists of the 70's never really figured out how they were going to provide a solution to the childcare question and now it's a mess.
My thoughts and prayers are with the OP - that she and her daughter find peace and balance in their lives, and protective, loving care for the child.
To 7:29, Yes the feminists of the 70s did figure it out. It's called national public high quality daycare provided by the government for an extremely low charge to parents. It still has not been instituted by our government. But the feminists of the 70s definitely had it figured out.
"It still has not been instituted by our government. But the feminists of the 70s definitely had it figured out."
They may have had it figured out but they never made happen because that same group hates socialism and higher taxes (as do most Americans)which is the system that government instituted programs that actually function happens in.
Feminism, although helpful to women in the workplace and many other ways, is also the vehicle through which women became "entitled" to "explore themselves," "have it all," and "be just like men in every possible way," at the expense of whomever it may hurt along the way. Selflessness and compassion gave way to "looking out for number one." Families started breaking apart in record numbers. Children were taught that "every kind of family is good," (even if that family consists of one parent and a smarmy "uncle," mommy and daddy and daddy's new wife and kids, or a lesbian and a monkey.) "It's ALL good." "Free to be You and Me!" "Peace, Love, and the freedom to have sex with anybody and everybody you want!" What could be better than a licence to partake in rampant narcissism without any of the pesky guilt once associated with caring about nobody else but yourself? I mean,the only people who really got hurt were the ones who were too little or too meek to have a real voice. The children. Thank goodness we didn't open up childcare warehouses where we could turn out dead eyed little drones by the batch, making it all the easier for selfish people everywhere to procreate and turn their backs the children they create!
This mom is not some militant feminist, you twits! She is a WIDOW!
Find something better to do with your time. Your senseless yammering is not helpful here.
Meme, I wrote the 2:38 comment.
I am aware that the OP is an innocent victim of circumstance and not promoting a feminist agenda.
As usual, the thread has taken a little "detour." I tried to hold my "tongue," when I saw this yesterday, but the posts in praise of feminism, and the idea that institutionalized child farms were the result of evolved women finally "getting it right" was more than I could let go by, especially after the apparent suggestion that socialism might have better implemented this fabulously horrific idea.
"especially after the apparent suggestion that socialism might have better implemented this fabulously horrific idea."
That's not what I meant at all. What I was saying is that in Canada or Western Europe this widow would have more options than Craigslist because of the higher taxes paid. Not saying it's perfect, not saying it's a panacea but anyone who's lived in France or Scandinavia as I have knows the scales of fiscal government are tipped in the mother's favor not the other way around as they are in the US.
As for the feminists= witches by Pat Robertson argument blame Reagan for creating the greed culture in the US and destroying graduated income tax making it harder on two or single parent families to survive and blame the last three presidents for sending jobs and even food production overseas and killing our great American labor force that took pride in what it did from the food we cooked to the clothes we once sewed on this shores.
With how much has been spent on war it's vile and tragic that this hard working mother and her daughter cannot turn to the government for aid and assistance.
I apologize 5:26. I misunderstood your comment completely. I have experiencesd the Scandinavian culture in both Norway and Denmark first hand. You are right that they tip the balance in favor of the single mother very well. In fact that make it very easy for a single mother to be a stay at home mom, because they put a high value on children and families. (It has a little bit of a negative effect in that there is not a huge downside, therefore deterrent, to unwed motherhood, but still it makes things easier for those who find themselves mothers and alone.)
I admire their culture very much for the way they take care of their people.
(Some things about the socialism there that I don't like, but that's a whole different matter.)
I thought you were advocating a socialist-type mass childcare system. That I think would be a disaster. I would love if we could find a way to put moms and kids back together.
Again, I apologize.
You are so kind to apologize believe me, I understand how easy it is to misconstrue such an emotional discussion.
I think we should all send our prayers, even if we are agnostic, to this woman and her child.
1:48
"No one rational has a nanny."
What is wrong with you? The OP is a widow! Are you the same bitter SAHM who bashes parents with nannies on every @#%# post? Get a life!
4:36,
Thanks for clearing that up. I understand. This conversation just went waaaaaay off base with this feminism, but I know it is often hard to sit by and watch others' ignorance, even if you don't really wnt to get involved!
Ahem
I'm the one who asked where the sisterhood is.
I didn't mean feminism.
I meant an end to backbiting and bashing one another for no apparent reason.
This woman is not a yummy mummy in a Mercedes trotting off to work so she can pay for liposuction. This is a widow with a limited extended family.
If you are a woman attacking another woman like this you should be deeply ashamed and repentant.
There are bad nannies and there are bad mothers. This does not appear to be a bad mother.
And if you're one of those who attacked the poor woman and you find yourself lonely it may just be because you're horrible.
And you have earned your loneliness.
That's kind of mystical thinking as a lot of truly good people who are alone too.
maybe we all learned a lesson or at least were enlightened by this post. It only takes a minute to change and not be such a rigid thinker and anti-sister. :)
Hello OP:
Did you let her go?
Please update us on whats going on
Yes, OP. Please let us know what happened. And to all of the OPS- PLEASE UPDATE US.
Waiting with baited breath,
Being asian, i feel the need to tell you, Oriental is a rug. Not a human.
Its extremely offensive to call an asian, oriental.
and did you rip this off SWF (single White Female)?
Thank you 821.
I would find a new nanny... before this one kidnaps your kid!
That is just creepy...
I mean I have adored children I have nannied for... but never made it a point to look like thier mother... !
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