Received Monday, June 4, 2007
Although this is not a nanny sighting, I hope that you will post this so I can get a little advice about situation I am having. My sister has 2 little girls. Lets call them Sallie and Polly. Sallie is 9 and Polly just turned 5 years old. I love Sallie to death. Polly annoys the hell out of me and I cannot stand her. Let me explain. Polly feels that she does not have to listen to me. Polly calls me names, shes rude, I tell her to do something she tells me no, I bought her birthday gifts. She told me they were not the ones she wanted. She refused to play with them. I took them back. My sister yelled at me. Polly has come to my brand new house and destroyed it. I have permanent marker on my walls. I am not able to have kids so I decorated a room in my house for them. Polly has torn down posters. She is not potty trained, she is 5 now. My sister yells at me for trying to discipline her. Polly yells at me, she tells me that she hates me, my nickname from her is "Auntie Bitchy Pants"(my sister laughs when she says it) she spits at me, she has ruined in food on purpose, her own sister hates her guts. I love for her sister to come over but if I take one, the other one has to come. Every time I try to talk to my sister she tells me I don't understand kids which is why I will never have any. I am a schoolteacher. I understand kids fine. My sister calls her Abby. She talks in a baby voice all the time. Its annoying. I am her kids godmother. Just yesterday Held a BBQ for my brothers graduation. My family was having a good time. Polly spit in the potato salad and thought it was funny. More than one person saw her and yet my sister got mad at everyone. 2 months ago she kicked my dog down a flight of stairs and my dog broke her paw. I am making my sister pay. The sad part is that shes only 5. What should I do. I cannot cut ties with my sister. My other niece who I am extremely close to will suffer. I try not to treat them differently but I dislike her sister very much. Her mother and father do nothing. I am sick of getting yelled at, I am thinking of just not inviting them to my upcoming wedding because this little girl will ruin it. I wish people could see how she acts. She needs either Dr. Phil or an exorcism....HELP!!
44 comments:
NO, this is not a nanny sighting. It is a high degree of craziness. Your sister does not like you. You she is sadistic and twisted. She is using her five year old as her evil minion to hurt you. Perhaps she has her own unresolved issues with you? Get your sister some psychiatric help and everything else will fall in to place. That 5 year old needs her own therapist. The older child may too. Does she get any attention from her mother? Because sometimes psychotic and twisted mothers only reward children who act out maliciously, sexually or otherwise inappropriately. It's beyond the pale. Sick stuff.
Simple: Do not allow that kid in your home. Seriously, she's kicking your pets and destroying your things, as well as being generally abusive. She may have legitimate psych problems, but since you're powerless to do anything about it, all you can do is protect yourself. "Only 5" is not a great excuse. Children like that do not belong at weddings, you'll be back here crying that she wiped her ass on your wedding cake.
sorry...hhahaha... I love it 9:48 "wiped her ass on your wedding cake". I'm dying laughin over here!
I definitely think you should NOT invite them to the wedding and I wouldn't even invite your sister either.
Your sister does sound crazy. Anyone who would allow their child to refer to their aunt as a bitch or bitchy is a nut! A five year old doesn't come up with that on their own: your sister taught it to her.
I would just break contact with your sister for awhile. It sucks that your older niece has to suffer but it's not your fault. I would send her cards and call and invite only her over. Your sister may not go along with that but please be done with the younger one. If she hurt your pet? Come on- you cannot invite her back! I am a child and pet lover and I can tell you that if anyone did that to either my child or my cat I would never never never have them over again, family member or not.
I agree that should not have that evil child at your house again, you tell your sister that until Polly can learn how to behave and be respectful she can't come over or come to your wedding. Which of course will make your sister disown you for a while but she needs to face the facts that she is raising a brat that no one likes and is that what she really wants for her daughter? I feel sorry for you but you may have to cut ties until Polly is older and she will just be your sisters problem then.
Your wedding day is your big day, therefore anyone who is likely to ruin it for you should not be invited. Unfortunately, this means that your sister and her family can't come to your wedding.
As 9:48PM put it, "only 5 is not a great excuse". Sit your sister's family down and let them know that they are not invited to the wedding because of the 5 year old's behavior (be clear about what things she has done in tha past). Make sure the kids are present too, otherwise your sister will tell them lies like "your aunt hates you and that is why you are not invited".
Also make sure you have witnesses, otherwise your sister will go around spreading rumors about how mean you are mean to her for no reason. My close friend's life was ruined by her own evil sister, and it took her years to convince family & friends that everything that they had been hearing was fabricated. Remember, Witnesses, my dear.
If you want your other niece to come over, then "polly" has to follow. My advice is to put the fear of God in her. When she's at your house, make sure you discipline her for every wrong she does. If you have to sit right in front of her in time out to make her stay there, do it. If nothing else, she'll learn that at her Aunt's house, she's to act like a human.
That or SHE won't want to come over anymore. Haha.
um, okay the 5 year old is a psychopath. Porbably got it from your sister. How is your mother? Is she, too nuts?
The older child will end up on drugs, totally codependant and in an institution. The younger child actually has it EASIER not harder. When the older child falls, and she will fall; it is going to be hard to help her. Act now.
MORE PSYCHOPATH DESCRIPTIONS
The Female Psychopath (AKA MOM?) Using her false mask of sanity, this charming "Southern Belle" schemer appears helpless or needy, pitiful, inept or emotionally unable to cope. Even total strangers give her things she gratefully accepts. Falsely claiming to be the victim, this passive parasite lures and abuses the normal protector/provider instincts in her male target. When her mask comes off she is cunning, ruthless, predatory, and loveless.Defense Strategy: This 'damsel in distress' will try to hook and reel you in. Take the hook out of your lip. Don't make her emotional neediness your problem. This black hole of need can never be filled. Understand the mask of helplessness is not the "real her". If she won't give reasonable answers to reasonable questions turn and run. Beware and remember "...deadlier than the male." Realize she uses sexuality as a lure. Avoid financial or emotional involvement.
The Psychopath Child displays signs as early as age 3. This juvenile delinquent shows early red flags of psychopathy including lying, fighting, stealing, bullying, bad judgment, cheating, cruelty to animals, vandalism, manipulation skills, truancy, sexual activity, fire-setting, substance abuse, and running away from home. Many see him as 'sneaky'. Defense Strategy: Now is the time to fix the problem, not the blame. Maintain domestic stability. Recognize signs in early childhood. Reinforce and reward positive behaviour. Seek therapy. Establish firm moral integrity practices and standards in the home. Parent/Family Management Training help is available. Please contact your local mental health association
"If there is a silver lining to the dark cloud of being the victim of a sociopath, it is coming to this deeper understanding of love. To understand love is to understand what it is not." Dr. L. Leedom
Also helpful, LEARN THE PROPER DEFINITION OF THE WORD PROJECTION.
And do not rely on anyone's truth. Keep records of every phone call, lettter, conversation. ETC.
It took me three years to divorce my psychopath-borderline ex-wife. I now have full custody of my son who at age 5.5 is in therapy 2 days per week. Finally, I should have seen the warning signs. Even my then wife would tell me about her crazy mother. How was I to know, she was her mother? I know it is hard for you to hear this but that five year old child is innocent. She needs help. Do what you can. Good luck.
one last note, I could have never established firm moral integrity practices and standards in the home if I didn't take my child away from his mother.
As I read this all I could think of was the movie The Bad Seed. Sorry.
I can google to, NW. Maybe you are the psychopath? Taking a child away from his mother?
"Meeting a P is like standing on the tracks while a speeding train comes barreling towards you. Blinded by the light, you are frozen in place and cannot move. You can’t believe the train won’t stop. You can’t believe it will hit you. But it does. And it keeps on coming. Caught beneath its wheels you are dragged along until you no longer know up from down, right from wrong, truth from lies. Courage escapes you as quickly as the rushing wheels carry you away from who you were and what you once believed to be true. Living in constant turmoil, you become accustomed to the jolting rhythm and the terror of living beneath a rushing train. Sometimes, you may lose a limb, an arm or leg, but anesthetized by the power of the engine’s roar, you cannot feel their loss. You cannot feel. Eventually you succumb to the pain, the torment, the uncertainty of not knowing when the train will stop. Its destination becomes your destiny, because, while the speed may be erratic, the P is in control, and he never stops.
By the end of my wild ride through the Kingdom of the P, I went through all my dreams and woke up to my worst nightmare. I was stripped of everything that meant anything to me; my relationship with my daughters, family and friends, my emotional well-being, my home, my belongings, my job and my financial security. But I did get to keep the dog."
This is an excerpt from a story from an actual woman who got involved with a manipulative con man who used her for $$ and left her broke and alone.
The unfortunate and real problem is not what nw says but that the sister has no control over her niece. How can she possibly guide the child towards a therapeutic intervention? It almost seems hopeless. The child will end up alone. Her behavior will cause her to be the laughing stock in school or the scary child that everyone avoids or mocks. And then what? And all because she was not taught right from wrong at home.
Poor child. Pray for her. That may be the only thing you can do.
God bless.
Thank goodness "she" got to keep the dog, psychopaths are not NICE to animals!
I think you are both trying to be helpful by googling info for the OP but we do not know the entire story. OP needs to find a way to bond with her sister, even temporarily- just to get the children help. It is unfortunately the only way!
Dad isn't arond-what does he think of the 5 yr old's behavior?
I feel sorry for this child. There is a reason for this behaviour...mental illness, abuse? A child that young does not just act this way of her own free will. Demand your sister get her help or call Child Protective Services on her.
There is nothing wrong with taking a child away from his mother if the mother is an unfit parent. That being said, NW makes alot of sense, although you cannot know how a child will turn out for sure. There is a very good possiblity that nothing good is in store for this bunch, though.
Is there any way you can have one-on-one time with the younger, difficult, daughter? Perhaps if you had several special outings of one-on-one time, the girl would begin to behave better, and would also benefit from a relationship with you? Perhaps you would begin to find out something good about her if you really reach out and invite her on a special outing for just the two of you? This would surely help her to feel valued by you, and that can help her to behave better around you. Perhaps there is something that interests her, that you could do with her, just the two of you? Or some hobby of yours, that she has expressed interest in? I suggest that you try your hardest to reach out to her, one on one, and try to forge a bond. Please do sincerely give it your best: on several occasions try to show her you love her and that she is special to you.
If she continues to consistently behave innappropriately, as she has until now, then forget it.
At least then you will know you gave it your best and did what you could.
I learned the hard way that if someone doesn't want to change, or doesn't want to see the truth, they wont see it and they won't do it. I had to distance myself from my own sister because of a very similar situation and unfortunately we are no longer close. One of my nephew's is very similar to your neice, and my sister was the one teaching my nephew to call me names, and praising him for his bad behavior (and it came out later, meaning she admited it after me begging her to tell me what was going, that she had jealousy issues towards me and loved how he treated me like crap!) I had to dock her from being my bridesmaid to just a guest at my Wedding and had to sit my entire family down (very uncomfortable) and explain to them that if my nephew or sister caused a scene at my wedding not only would they embarrass the entire family, and ruin the best day of my life, but they would be publicly humiliated as our ushers were notified to watch them and publicly escort them out if they did any thing remotely out of line. It pissed my sister off to hear the truth, but it also worked...I had my entire family at my Wedding and everything went perfectly (my sister would rather die than have any one know what a true demon her and her kid are...the thought of public humiliation was enough to keep her quiet.) To make a very long story short, she has cut off ties with me from my "good nephew" and no longer has much to do with me (still angry about being told she's not perfect). It may have been hard at first, but now I'm the one who doesn't return her sporadic psycho calls, and I'm happier now without the constant pain and drama her and her son cause in my life. Sometimes distance is your only option.
p.s- looking back on it, it was very stressful to worry during the wedding that she or my nephew were going to try something and cause a scene...I might have been even happier had they not come, and may have got lucky that it worked out...don't try and please the world do what makes you happy!
Have you tried an intervention-type family meeting? Sit down with your siblings and parents (if available) and lay down the law about your wedding. I agree with the above that both girls should be there at the meeting. Decide beforehand whether to invite her famiy or not, or just the older daughter. At least she'll know you wanted her there even after her mother tells her she can't go. And definitely witnesses! Video wouldn't be bad either, since people tend to rewrite history to make themselves more comfortable. Don't invite anyone to your wedding who would detract anything from your beautiful day. Not ANYONE.
In general, if you can't see the older daughter alone, at least try to tell her how much you want to spend time with her. In a few years, she'll be old enough to drive and can see you alone. I think it's more important for the "good" girl to get positive attention, since most attention seems to go to her awful sister and their mom. Can she call you or email you?
Lastly, please keep in mind that sometimes we are dealt a joker or two in our families. You don't have to tolerate from family anything you wouldn't take from a stranger. Especially not taunts, injuries, or destruction of property. The best thing to do for yourself and your new husband is to keep a healthy distance from your sister and the younger niece. You can't save everyone, but you can focus on the sane niece who could use a lot of love.
PS You mentioned that you are unable to have children, and yet your own sister stated that since you don't understand kids, that's why you'll never have any. Do you understand how evil and cruel that is? Why would you want that in your life? Please ditch your sis.
No one you know gets to have you in their lives if they can't behave and be loving.
Good luck!
the female Damiam? I see lots of red flags. Do something!
Remember that even if you can't have biological kids, you will still be a mom someday if you so choose: there are other ways, including adoption. Your sister sucks and you are better off without her.
I am the OP of this post. This child has started to ruin my family. You all don't understand how much of a strain it is. This little girl has destroyed relationships with everyone in the family including my own mother who is her grandmother. I am the only one she has left that tries to give her a chance. I have taken her out, just the two of us and she totally takes advantage of the situation. You CANNOT be nice to her. She takes to another level. The part that makes me soooo mad is that she is 5 and she is STILL not potty trained. My sister is not putting her into school because she wants her to be home schooled. Thats fine but she has no social skills what so ever. I told her as a teacher, she is one child that needs to be with other kids. I think that is part of the problem. No luck. She is constantly telling me that she is glad that I am not a mother because my kids would be screwed up. I have gotten into heated arguments with her. Right now I am to the point where I am just tired. I have tried to cut ties with her. She plays mind games and you all are right she is crazy. As of right now she is not invited to my wedding and I trying to figure out a way to make sure my other niece is still my flower girl.
why don't you see if your mother or another family member can take your neice, the flower girl, to the wedding? i agree that you should sit your sister and her family down and explain why they will not be invited. i can picture your rotten neice throwing her nasty, soiled diaper at you or the cake during the wedding! good luck!
It's 4:26 here. Wow. Glad to hear you've tried the one on one thing. Still, it really sounds to me like the main problem is your sister. It sounds like the younger daughter is a secondary issue springing from your sister's bad behavior or inability to parent. I am curious, when you say she is still not potty trained, can you be more specific?
There are different things that people might refer to as not being potty trained. So, that is why I am wondering. Does she wear diapers 100% of the time? Or, for example, does she wear underwear and sometimes (often?) has accidents?
I think it will be hard to have the older daughter as the flower girl if your sister and her younger daughter are not invited. I mean, logistically it seems tough, and it seems like it will be hard on everyone. It puts pressure on the older daughter too, even though that may not seem obvious right now.
I usually loathe when people refernce terms they have learned by googling, but I am going to give you one:
"dishrag dad"
google it.
Where are these children's father?
good point about the father. Something is seriously wrong with this little girl. I wonder.....
OP here when I say that she is not potty trained I mean she is not potty trained. We are talking about pull up diapers. I have tried to get her to use the toilet and she refuses. I had to potty train my other niece. She was potty trained when she was 2 1/2. her dad is a Controller for the state, he lives in the house with them. He has tried as well. He does has a very busy schedule which keeps him away alot. He knows what his kid is doing I don't think he wants to deal with it. Hes alot older than my sister and seriously I think hes just too old to care anymore. (My sister is 34 and her husband is 55.) I am getting married on Saturday and I am talking with her tomorrow. Hopefully things work out. But should I report her or let her deal with it on her own?
I used to babysit a little girl much like this. She is grown now and certifiably crazy. She's had her children removed from her care, has substance abuse problems and has never emotionally bonded with anyone. She cannot hold a job and is broke after spending her inheritance foolishly. She was extremely intelligent as a child and didn't have trouble potty training but most of the other behavior rings a bell.
My thoughts are along the line of JMT's. Family intervention. I wondered how your niece interacted with the rest of the family, and saddly, not well. Her issues lie with her parents. Normally, a parent would correct such bad behavior in their child. Do you know of any reason your sister would encourage this?
Here's my advice. No invite to the wedding. I agree to let your nice niece be there when you explain why (as well as other family members). Give your sister a copy of Family First by Dr. Phil. Then, as far out as this is, go on Dr. Phil's website and e-mail him! Immediately! If anyone can get your sister's attention, it is he. Public humilation goes a long way. At the least, cut your sister and her bad child out of your life. You are starting into your own marriage, and smaller things have come between partners. Do not let them ruin your life. It is so sad that your good niece will have to suffer. Let her know you will always be there for her, and if her mom prevents her from seeing you, let her know when she is 18, your door is wide open. Good luck. My heart goes out for you.
I have a 12 year old stepson in the same situation. His father and I have tried to help. Our interaction only makes his mother crazier and who do you think she takes it out on? We moved to another state because of her craziness. The son knows the door is always open to him. If he ever needs help getting his own attorney, we will pay. As of now she has full custody. You would be surprised how many pscyhopath mothers get custody. It is because they excel at playing the victim. The ultimate victim is her son. I feel guilt about him everyday. I cannot imagine how hard it is on my husband. We had to move because we have our own child now. I would not subject my child to that crazy women and her attempts to drive my husband and I apart. She was also feeding her own son a line of BS about how we didn't love him, we only loved our new son. And I can't say he wasn't affected. I began to fear for my child. So yes, we will take him any time he is ready. But only when the chapter is closed on his crazy mother.
I don't think this child is evil, I think that she is crying out for help. Sometimes when children are not potty trained it's a control issue. Has this child been to the pediatrician etc? I really think that children act a certain way as a result of their upbringing...in most cases I know there are exceptions...anyways OP please do invite the older niece to the wedding...she deserves to go...Let us know what happens and good luck. The little girl should go see a doctor, she could still be saved.
PS: It's almost impossible to get an adult into therapy if they don't want to go. And if the dad has checked out mentally, I can't see the mother taking the daughter for help at the pediatrician or a psychiatrist if she doesn't see anything wrong. Who has leverage? Maybe the grandparents? Perhaps the whole family has to take a stand.
It's really frustrating and sad, but sometimes you have to let go and keep your own sanity.
Truer words
"It's really frustrating and sad, but sometimes you have to let go and keep your own sanity."
have never been spoken.
It honestly sounds like something has happened in this little girl's life that has caused her to become emotionally disturbed. She needs to see a "feelings doctor". This isn't right. Tell your sister you will not continue having her over unless she is referred to someone.
Does the family attend a church? Sometimes the clergy can be of help to a family in crisis.
Sounds like your sister and her child needs help beyond your abilities. The best thing you can do is remove yourself from the equation - and tell your sister to get help for them both. I wouldn't let the child or the mother be apart of my life until the mother atleast starts showing respect for you by trying to control her child.
Good luck.
Do not invite them to the wedding. Or, you could have an adult only ceremony/reception. Polly sounds really disturbed....I got chills down my back just reading about her! I know she's only 5 but as a mother and aunt of kids who have been 5, let me tell you that they know right from wrong. To call an adult a "bitch" and push her dog down the stairs could mean that this child will grow up to be an antisocial member of society (antisocial in the psychiatric disorder sense).
Also, watch out for pyromania. Aren't the three signs of serial killers: (1) cruelty to animals (2) bed-wetting (I think as someone who is not potty trained at FIVE, Polly certainly qualifies as a bed wetter) and finally (3) pyromania. This is one messed up kid and your sister is only enabling/encouraging her.
Hi 11:20, does your state allow a child to decide where he wants to live at age thirteen? I believe NYS does, and my friend is in a similar situation. He has a room ready for his son the minute the boy decides to change custody. The dad doesn't think he ever will because the mom takes out her anger with her ex on the son in subtle, mean ways. The boy feels responsible for his mother's feelings. So wrong. The best thing, though, is that they all live in the same town, so the son can visit easily, not like your situation where different states are involved. Perhaps your step-son can move to your home sooner than later.
JMT, you are right about letting go.
Life is short. I feel that life should not be wasted trying to help those who refuse to be helped.
If you think your sister will allow her daughter to be your flower girl after you've disinvited the rest of them to your wedding....I'd have to say you're still not seeing this situation very clearly. Cut ties with your sister.
The second said sister gets wind of this one's attempt to cut any of them out of her life, she will kick her to the curb so fast- she won't know what hit her. Then she will start about demonizing her to the children. The children will grow to fear the "monster" that is their aunt. I've been there. You can't win when you tangle with the mentally ill.
Your sister is to blame here. She has no positive parenting skills. it is easy to blame the little girl, but she is acting this way because she is hurting and is asking for help. At 5 she cannot help herself.
The older girl should not be punished, and if possible should be able to come to the wedding. Sis and little demon should stay away.
i hope someday the older child will be able to come and live with you before permanent damage is done.
good luck and i hope you had a wonderful wedding!
Please, call child protective services on your sister. This is not an evil child, it is a child who needs help and is not getting it.
If the other sibling is acting normally, then there is a strong possibility that the 5yr old has a mood disorder, this behavior is very typical of children that are Bipolar. I have a child that is Bipolar and I cannot tell you how many times people told me it was my parenting skills etc.. but the truth of the matter is mental illness in children is a reality, I knew by the time my child was 3 years old there was a serious problem with them, I had been around enough normal children to know the difference in behavior. It is also possible that your sister is ignoring the signs of a mood disorder in her child or refusing to acknowledge that something is seriously wrong with her child. Many parents are afraid to have a label put on their children but if the mood disorder goes undiagnosed for too long they turn into teenagers that are Bipolar and many that go undiagnosed for that long have bad futures ahead of them, I suggest you read up on Juvenile Bipolar Disorder and see if her actions and behaviors are similiar, from what you have posted, that could have been my child you were describing.. Good luck,,
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