MY EMAIL:
I understand now what was going on when you were trying to get Alex distracted in the middle of what I was saying, as you explained you are wary of talking about him in front of him. Actually I understand that and often feel the same way.
However there are exceptions (in my opinion). One is when I’m telling you something very positive that Alex did, speaking of him in the third person as if he’s not there and telling it in such a way that highlights the impressive parts of his behavior. (You probably remember times I have done this.)
But I also think that, sometimes, there is merit for doing the same thing when I’m telling you something not so positive and I want him to overhear it. I would never do it in a harsh way that demeans him, or suggests he is a “bad” person. And my intent isn’t merely to “tattle” on him.
I think that it can be a way for me to frame the incident for him verbally in a matter-of-fact way that includes a description of not only what he did, but how it affected the other person. It also allows me to include my speculation on why he did it (so he feels validated), and to end the story in a non-punitive way that expresses optimism for the future. Finally, it reinforces the idea that even though I handled it at the time, it is still a serious issue.
Even though he may be covering his ears or using other body language that shows he doesn’t want to hear it, the message(s) will still seep through and in my opinion that’s the important part. So that’s why I wanted him there for it, but I know this is just my opinion so if you disagree just let me know in the future and I’ll drop the subject.
By the way, I realize that I didn’t really explain the incident in much detail, which I would like to do now. Alex was playing outside with the water hose, having fun spraying various things. Then when Sofia got up from her nap, I brought her down and she was standing at the front door watching him. When he saw her, he ran up and pointed the hose directly at her face, inches away from the glass, and turned the water on full force.
It absolutely terrified Sofia, and it took a while to get her calmed down. I explained to Alex how it felt to her, how much it terrified her and talked about how she screamed and cried and it was hard to get her calmed down. I asked him if he thought he would enjoy being scared like that. Then I showed him all the places that he COULD spray, but that he absolutely could not do that to Sofia again.
Eventually she wandered over to the door again to watch, and I went up behind her. As soon as Alex saw her there, he dashed up and did it again, with a kind of devilish grin. It was not an accident, and I don’t believe he “forgot” that it would scare her; the expression on his face suggested great satisfaction with her terrorized reaction. And this was not a situation where she was competing for the use of his toys or threatening to destroy something of his -- in fact I had kept her in so he would have complete freedom out there for a while without her in the way. That’s why I immediately ended his water play for the day.
Anyway, I guess it might not sound like that big a deal, but I just will not tolerate a 4½-year-old boy mistreating and terrorizing an 11-month-old baby on purpose. I have seen him do many cruel, subtle, unprovoked things to her, and you’ve mentioned that it’s an issue on weekends as well. I am aware there are age-appropriate motivations on his part, but I think that you and I part company on how to react. I have listened very carefully to your philosophies over the past three years of working for you and have tried to be conscientious in implementing them as closely as I can.
But as the family dynamics change from one child to two, I find myself needing to stray from that more often. I know that you try to appeal to Alex on a cognitive level (explaining why certain behavior is not permitted, coming up with viable options, offering compromises, engaging in negotiations, etc.), and I do use these, but I also believe in ultimatums and consequences when I think they are called for. Psychic angst can be a good tool to have in your discipline arsenal, if used sparingly and with wisdom. Children are immature, impulsive, and inexperienced, and they often need to rely on the maturity and experience of adults to shape their behavior. This can’t always be accomplished by appealing to the intellect. (These are just my philosophies, I know every parent has their own ideas about these things, and I’m not trying to lecture you, just letting you know my thoughts.)
I know I’ve gone on long enough, but the only other concern I’d like to bring up is the boundaries for Alex when he goes outdoors. I have read the various writings on the free-range raising of children and I can’t say that I’m on board. I do push myself beyond my comfort level when it comes to giving my teens certain freedoms, but it is very different when you are responsible for someone else’s kids.
If I let Alex go outside and I’m still inside, he is only allowed on the driveway or the front/back yard, no where else without me. There are too many variables out there for me to be comfortable letting him out of my line of sight. Are there any stray dogs hanging around? Strange people? If he decides to climb on that fence, one little misstep and he will tumble at least 12 feet down and land on concrete. One moment of inattention on his part and he could step out in front of a moving vehicle. It’s not my own kid I’m taking risks with. When I’m working, I am 100% liable for anything that happens to him, and even if it’s an accident, if I wasn’t there when it happened it would be considered actionable.
- Guess that’s it for now, thanks for listening! ~ OP
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