CL - WTF? (continued)

9/23/08 (Click HERE to go back to front page)
I Am Not Mary Poppins (Anywhere Close To Gaithersburg)
I am not Mary Poppins. For those parents out there who are seeking the quintessential nanny who never gets tired, with a permanent smile like a Botox injection gone wrong, takes every insult with a dose of humor and breaks out in a song and dance ensemble, a nanny that has a lengthy list of credentials deemed necessary to raise a prodigy .. I am not that person. What I am is a regular run-of-the mill nanny and by all accounts not a super human. So no I will not smile and cringe when Little Becky Sue kicks me in the shin. As a parent would you? No I will not work overtime for free. Do you? No I do not want to know any personal problems nor do I wish to divulge any of mine to you. No I will not use my car to drive to Little Todd’s play dates and keep quiet about the expenses so that you can dine at a five star restaurant while I eat spam with a straw. I don’t care if you decide to leave the children and run across the border as long as you send a post card and my check. I will not be your butler, maid, secretary or yes-man to stroke your ego. I do not care where you live and how you live. If you want to use your tidey whiteys for a dust rag that is your business. I do not wish to sit on the floor of your home all day pretending to enjoy a mind numbing game of tea with Little Rebecca when you don’t even want to do it. I will not pretend to smile first thing in the morning if I do not feel like it just to be polite. I will not run your errands for you as I am not a courier service. I will not hug, kiss and whisper sweet nothings to your kids in an effort to win their affections. I am not trying to be their friend. I will not eat from you refrigerator or cupboards so no need to count the eggs or the chickens in the chicken coop for that matter before you leave home. I will let your kids watch tv until they go into a coma if that is what they are accustomed to. If your child has a problem respecting those in authority I will let Little Billy continue to jump on the bed and sofa until he learns the true definition of concussion. No I will not come over last minute because…. Surprise!!! I have a life too. Please don’t answer your door choked up with your bed linen around your neck for a scarf trying to look dignified carrying an arm’s length list of questions to intimidate me when I come over for an interview because I will reciprocate the kindness and play the game of Jeopardy with you. Do not give me excuses as to why you were late just pay me for my overtime because the bill collector doesn’t care why I didn’t send this month’s payment on time. Do not ask me to prepare a five course meal for the kids everyday when all you do is feed them sugar when I am not there. Call Chef Gordon Ramsey for that. Do not presume that my arithmetic is not up to par with yours and shorten my pay by a couple dollars and pretend that you are being fair and that somehow, just somehow I should just be content with the notion that I have “the world’s greatest job”. If you are unhappy with your life and wait for me to come in the mornings to harass me… you will be even unhappier and decide to take that leap from the ledge by the time I leave. Do not talk down to me because you think I am so desperate for a job or uneducated, unless you are just in the mood to play a game of the battle of wits. Now if I ask you to get the necessary supplies to help Little Johnny do his homework and be a better pupil do not expect me to spend my money and acquire these necessities and let it slide. I am very resourceful and can make do but I am not Jesus and so I have yet to master the art of turning water into wine. I will let your children play in the dirt all day and make mud pies if that’s what brings them joy. Yes I will keep your kids out Friday nights late at the movies, let them walk on the Mall all Saturday until they start to hallucinate, stay up until the next morning until they finish their homework in a tidy fashion and write those spelling words until their hands cramp and their fingers blister. Yes I will call your child’s name all the way from across town if he or she wants to get out of line. Yes, oh yes we will break out and do the Electric Slide first thing in the morning while we wait for the school bus even if your neighbors think it crude, unrefined and oh what is that French word again .. ?(GHETTO). I am a no nonsense person. I show up for work on time, do my work to the best of my abilities, keep track of the children’s activities, keep them well fed, well groomed and happy by simply using my own initiative so I don’t need you watching me like a bald eagle doing a simple task such as loading your dishwasher. I will load it however I feel as long as everything gets washed. I can’t stand bread crumbs on the table either so no need to constantly pace back and forth timing how soon Little Sarah will finish eating her sandwich so I can clean and reset the table. I just get it. If you work and get paid in fries and mustard at your job do not resent me because you feel you are paying me too much. There are many others out there that will work for a shake and a Big Mac pick one. If you suffer from paranoia and have some preconceived notion that we are all somehow going to run off with your kids, please do not run up my cell phone bill calling me to find out where your kids are. Believe me I am not going to kidnap them. I can scarcely feed myself much less to run off with yours. No need to leave a nanny cam running all day to watch my every move. I can take pictures for you and put them in your Christmas album for Nanna and family. No I don’t smoke as much as the thought of my lungs looking like a chimney stack appeals to me. No I don’t drink either…can barely stand milk (flatulence) let alone vodka for evening tea. Yes I speak English fluently and another language if your kids get on my nerves. Experience yes. How much? About five plus years and still sober. Verifiable references? Whoever hasn’t left town, isn’t dead or just missing in action. I almost forgot. All those parents raising brats and whose intention it is to cause me to take to the bottle or use my salary for psychiatric treatment when I get off work can forget it. I will be your exorcist, your warden and the gate keeper to purgatory if necessary. I am not going to tell you that the reason I want the job is because I oh so love kids. No, no, no. I love kids as much as the next guy or gal down the street. If I loved them too much I would be offering my services for free which is not the case. For God’s sake even the Salvation Army sells stuff. Yes I would like to bring my child because you know what…? I don’t think it is fair for me to drop mine off at someone else’s home and take care of yours. What is my age preference? I prefer caring for children who are three or older. Availability… Wednesdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. Rate $15/hr. take it or leave it I know my worth. Currently employed? Surprisingly yes and the kids love me to death. I practically have to use a crowbar to get them off me when I am leaving. Was it or is it bribery? Nope. Kids can tell if you are the real deal. I actually get along well with the parents too as I have free reign. I have my own key and I just go and come as I please. C.P.R certificate? Expired and I am too broke to renew it. If you are a busy person who just needs someone to lasso those rowdy kids and strictly concentrate only on their needs and not yours, by all means feel free to drop me a line. Wackos need not reply as I have pepper spray and believe me I will use it. Aaaah…If only more people were this honest instead of walking around repressing their true feelings in the hopes of getting what they want at the cost of losing who they are.
Original URL: http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/mld/kid/850272840.html
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Nanny Needed (Alpharetta)
Hello! My name is Mallory and I have five beautiful children who will require care for two months. We used Craigslist for a similar experience a couple years ago and had brilliant success, so here's hoping we are just as lucky this time.
The situation: My husband and I are leaving the country for two months. We will be in China adopting our sixth child and the requirements state that we must be within the country for a two month period for training and various other legalities. Both sets of grandparents are older and are in situations not permitting them to care for our children. Family and family friends are unable to take in our children for various reasons that really don't need to be expanded on. We are a large family, and we understand that. Additionally, having someone live in our home and care for our children has worked fabulously in the past. Why change a great thing?
Our children: Abraham is 8 and is in the 3rd grade. He is extremely easy going and very helpful. He plays soccer several days a week and has piano lessons. Violet is 6 and is in the 1st grade. She is full of energy and requires a lot of attention and activity. We are currently dealing with some disrespect issues with talking back and some other things that will be discussed. We hope to have it resolved by the time you'd be staying with us. She does cheerleading, dance, gymnastics, and soccer (each of these are one or two days a week so don't think she's worked to the bone. These are all things she enjoys). Ben is 5 (you'll be celebrating his birthday while we're away) and is in kindergarten. He's your average little boy. Fully of energy and fun. He is enrolled in an after school art class. Jonah is 3 and is in pre-k and is going through a spitting phase. Again, we hope to have that resolved very soon. He's a great kid, though and really shouldn't be a problem. Virginia is 2 and she is in day care for half the day. She is mostly potty trained (she wears a diaper to bed, but has been dry for two weeks).
The Job description: October 14th-December 11th. That's 60 days or 1440 hours. You will live in our house for the whole duration of these dates. There is no exception. All of the children attend the same private school and all arrive at the same time. Virginia leaves first at noon, Jonah and Ben at 2:30, and depending on their activities that day, Virginia and Abraham anywhere from 3-6. Don't worry, you'll be provided with a very detailed calendar, and there is the family calendar on a huge dry erase board in the foyer. You will be responsible for providing meals (both cooking, ordering in, and eating out), chaferring the kids to and from their various activities and playdates, general entertainment (games, movies, crafts...), grocery shopping, light housekeeping, and general mommy-tasks.
Additional details: We live in 9/br 7.5 bath house. You will be driving my Toyota Sequoia for the length of your stay. You will have a budget of $500/week to spend on household needs (groceries, entertainment, gasoline, and other various needs). Any additional money is NOT yours to keep. You must keep track of all receipts. You will be staying in your own private bedroom. It has a queen sized bed, television, private bathroom, and a very large closet. No guests. Nowhere on our property. No exceptions. You will have access to our family's babysitter every Friday night from 6-11pm. We have a housekeeper that comes in daily to do most cleaning tasks from dishes, laundry, linen changes, and vacuuming. We have a cat and two dogs who you will also be responsible for (though it is Abraham and Violet's job, so you will oversee that the animals are fed and walked--though you will walk them while the kids are at school... which essentially means opening the back door).
You will be in contact with me or my husband once daily. There is a nannycam that will have a live feed directly to us as well as my sister in law. There is a camera in every room (including your guest room)--not to be invasive of your privacy, but because safety is our primary concern. You will also be able to view these cameras from the television in your bedroom.
Requirements: These are the qualities that we are looking for in a candidate. If you do not meet these requirements, please do not apply: Speak English--fluently. As a first language. Be a legal resident of the United States. Be legally able to work in the United States. Female Young--early 20's to early 30s. NO KIDS. If you have kids, you must have someone else who is able to care for them. NO EXCEPTIONS. In good shape (you have to be limber with these kids!) Able to lift a 2 or 3 year old. Able to cook. Excellent, easy going personality. Sense of humor. Backbone--someone willing to discipline. Punctual. Conservative. Well rounded. Relevant experience with at least 3 professional references. Five non-related character references. CPR and First Aid Certified Able to read and write and help with 3rd grade homework. Able to manage a budget, calendar, daily schedule, and 5 wild kids. Good credit. Drug free. Smoke free. Alcohol free. Clean driving record.
Compensation: 60 days of expense free living. Pay is $14/hr. You will be sign a legally binding contract when we meet with our lawyer and if for some reason you decide to quit before completing the job, you will be paid $6.55/hr for your time. You will be paid once the job is complete.
How to apply: Please follow these directions very carefully. If you cannot follow directions, you will not be considered for the position. Please send an email to mallory.darcy@gmail.com with your resume, references, and cover letter (if you decide to include one) attached in .rtf or .doc form. In the body of the email, please tell me about yourself. I'd like for you to be as detailed as possible. (Do you meet the requirements? Are you well rounded? How so? Tell me about your background and your interests. I really want to know!) Please type in complete, grammatically correct sentences.
How the process will work: If my last experience was any indication, there will be quite a number of applicants. I will stop accepting applications by September 18th. I will narrow down all of the applications to my top 40 based on your resume and what you've told me about yourself. You will have received an email by then letting you know. If you have not received an email by the 19th, thank you so much for applying but you were not selected.
The 18th-25th, I will be calling references. That's three professional and 5 character references (I probably won't be calling all of them, but selecting randomly from your list). I will then narrow my list down to my top 20. I will be in contact with you whether I've selected you or not to let you know. The top twenty candidates will be interviewed by my husband, myself, and a close friend to see if you're a fit for our family during the weeks of the 22nd and 29th. We request that our top five candidates submit to a background check, credit check, and drug test. We will select three candidates for the position. Our top candidate will be our first choice. If things fall through either before or during the 2 months, we'd like to know that we have a back up in person two. And the third candidate for even more reassurance. Here's hoping we both find what we're looking for. Good luck!
Original URL: http://atlanta.craigslist.org/kid/840424953.html
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Need provider or my son (Alton/Godfrey)
I need someone to come to my house 2 weeks out of the month, mon-fri, 5-to around 10:30, times vary depending on day. My son is 3 years old and I need someone who is not just going to watch him but interact with him, he bores easily.We live in bethalto right now but am planning to move to alton/godfrey area before the 1st of oct. The pay is 200$ a month but I would like to get back on Chasi, so you must be willing to work with them as well. I Have never ditched my sitters on pay, iam good on my word. Please let me know if your interested in meeting us. Katie and Richie 618 772 ****
Original URL: http://stlouis.craigslist.org/kid/847509055.html
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Live in Experienced NANNY/Mother's helper MR. MOM to the rescue! FREE! (Move me to wherever you live)
Experienced stay at home caregiver will pamper you and your family! Whenever I did this before the families loved me! Sadly the family I am helping now just lost major source of income so can't afford to feed me any more ))-: Though I would normally just eat with the family I stay with, this family was eating out a lot & giving me a food allowance but their situation now prevents this and there is talk of moving to a smaller house where I would have no room. But that makes me available to bring happiness to your family! I am very family oriented and know how precious children are. Think of me as Nanny 911 who SO cares about the kids and gives them such caring, respect, nurturing and attention they (and you) don't want me to leave - and I don't leave. (-; The last family I met for lunch the kids were begging me to come home with them before lunch was over, with a 6 year old hanging on my arm saying "please come home with us." Trust me, your kids WILL be happy with me there! I have over 7 years of experience with all ages infants to teenagers with references to prove it that I can forward through email right away. I will treat your children like I would treat my own. Why give a nanny room and board AND PAY MONEY too? Be at ease and hire me with NO fees or pay. My real reward in pampering you and yours like nanny 911 is just seeing happy faces that result from the caring contribution I give! I'm dependable, honest, responsible. Children's CPR COURSE completion! Whenever I was this "Mr. Mom" before the families loved me! I create activities in a safe environment for all ages, and they all relate to me because I'm patient, caring, fun-loving, attentive to their needs, and very compassionate. I am a good listener and problem solver. Even teens and preteens talk to me {{-; I am a clean living trustworthy Christian man, caucasion 40+ that has lived happily with all ages. I get along well with just everyone regardless of age, etc. I'm not one of those heavy drinker types, don't smoke and NEVER use drugs or profanity of any kind! There will be no expectations from me or need for any money to be exchanged between us - I just need a room where I can go sleep at night and call my own. You share your meals with me (I can cook for you) I am a very experienced, trustworthy jack of all trades. I do house cleaning, laundry, dishes, cook, yard work, painting, fixup, install electronics and computer programs, help with homework and provide security for your family if you need. I am experienced at computer research for assignments, essays, etc. I can be just about anything you want me to be for you except chauffer. I don't drive, and if you could help move me and my bedroom things to wherever you are that would be appreciated. I offer companionship for people & pets. Looking for permanent family life to avoid the sadness that comes from kids getting attached and then having to deal with separation. My more recent families included 3 children, 1 year old boy, 7 year old girl and 12 year old girl ( for 2 years) and 3 children, 6 year old girl, 8 year old boy and 16 year old girl (for 3 years) Ages were at time of my arrival. References forwarded from THEM to me are available to forward through email to you when you write and tell me your home situation and your vision of what would make this work for you and our mutual agreement that we have probable compatibility.
Original URL: http://atlanta.craigslist.org/kid/842541672.html

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