#$%&*@!

Rebecca Nelson Lubin

It was on the trip to Hawaii, the third morning in, when herding the three children out the door at 6am to hit the breakfast buffet that it happened. Now, in my defense, well, it was 6am, and in the hour that we had all been awake waiting for it to be late enough to leave the villa there had been an unusual amount of arguing amongst the two boys, and my patience was thin and I had not had nearly enough caffeine. As we pushed through the door with the jogger stroller packed with one Girl Baby and one huge diaper bag our process was slowed by the two big brothers wrestling over who would push their baby sister. They continued to jostle down the hallway to the elevator, pushing and shoving at each other and hurling insults until, fed up and horribly jet lagged spun tired I found myself shouting the following sentence:

“Oh my God, will you STOP BITCHING ABOUT THE STROLLER!”

My words were met by with complete stunned silence. I actually thought, “Did I really just say that out loud?” I looked at the children. The four year old looked confused that I had spoken in a register above my usual soft whispering tone. (I’ve been told I possess a “Baby Voice”.) The ten year old looked delighted at the possibility of getting me into trouble for unsavory language. I thought briefly about holding my head high and saying, “Yeah. I said that. Now fall in.”

Instead I asked, “Who wants to push the elevator button?” brightly, and vowed that once out of the villa, our first stop would be the espresso bar for a triple shot Americana for the tired nanny.

When we settled into our table, laden with buffet items and a fresh, hot, caffeine filled beverage for me, the ten year old really lit into me.

“You are in sooooooo much trouble!” He lauded.

“Nah, I’m not.”

“I’m sooooooo telling!” He said, rubbing his hands together in glee. “What would you give me not to tell?”

“Go ahead and tell,” I said, and reached into my bag for my phone, “in fact, I’ll tell first.”

I texted my mom boss the following message: “Super Nanny just yelled at children not to bitch about stroller. Bring u back some bacon?”

Her response? “Hahahahahahahahahaha. Yes on bacon.”

Okay. Yes. We as Nannies should not yell OR swear at our charges. We should endeavor in every way to maintain a sense of dignity and decorum in our relationships to the little monkeys. Even when jetlagged, even when premenstrual, even when going through a hideous breakup. As professional nannies, I believe we’re supposed to remain kind and even in all situations. Or something like that.

But I wonder. How many bad nannies sighting on this board are just sightings of a good nanny having a bad day? It happens to the best of us. It even happens to the parents on occasion.

As research for this week’s column, I polled several parents about their more colorful outbursts towards their children. We shall call it “Shit we shouldna have said.”

A relative of mine who shall remain nameless, once shouted at her daughter while on the phone with me, “Stop fighting with your sister or I’m taking all your candy and giving it to some other child!”

Last Saturday I went on a wine tour in Sonoma. One of my tour mates was a good friend who has two small boys. She confessed that she will sometimes let loose obscenities at stupid drivers while in the car with her children and cover up her foul language by insisting, “No! Mommy just said FORKLIFT!”

One of my oldest nanny clients couldn’t get his five year old into the car. He meant to say, “Get in the car child, or I will take away all your toys.” He actually yelled, “Get in the car child, or I will take away all your clothes!” He feared for quite a long time that he had surely sent his son into years of therapy. Said child is now 22 years old and doing just fine, and not, as his father feared, lugging a suitcase with a fresh change of clothes everywhere with him.

My own sainted mother, when pushed too far in my childhood, was sure to explode with the following statement, at full volume:

“Cut the crap right now! It’s not funny and it’s not cute! Seriously! Cut that shit out now!”

Truthfully, my brothers and I used to laugh at this sort of outburst. My older brother could even pantomime a scissor cutting motion at the back of his pants, which would result in me laughing, which resulted in further fury from my mother.

But seriously, the innocence of childhood only last so long. They learn swear words on their own so young. Sierra and I still joke about the time I was driving her and her older sister Willow to school. Willow was whispering some newly acquired vocabulary into Sierra’s ear. Sierra screeched, “Beach? That’s a swear word? I say beach all the time!”

“Son of a beach!” she will text me now, at seventeen, “Having a bad day.”

I suppose that is how I will sum up my own outburst in Hawaii. I was having a bad day.

When we returned from breakfast, the ten year old was still intent on selling me out.

“Did you hear what Rebecca said?” he asked his parents, delighted.

“We did,” said my mom boss, “and we agree with her, you guys were totally bitching about the stroller.”
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Rebecca Nelson Lubin is a writer and Nanny who resides in the San Francisco Bay Area. You may read more of her articles at http://www.abandofwives.ning.com/

My Career as a Manny

Received Monday, April 13, 2009 - Guest Column by Joshua Lapin-Bertone
My name is Joshua and I’m a male working in childcare. Some people prefer to call me a “Manny”, but that sometimes confuses things more for people who don’t know what I’m talking about. Even though we live in a world where things are changing and gender roles are constantly being questioned, I still have many odd looks when I tell people of my career. Just recently, I was having a fun day at a theme park with some people my own age (something which is rare when you work in childcare). I was talking to one of the girls, and she asked me what I did for a career. When I told her, she had the most confused look on her face. “Why do you do that?” “Why would parents want some man to watch their children”. I gave her the same answers that I’ve given a million times. The thought does occur to me sometimes, why should I have to defend what I do? I do my job well and I am proud of it.

One of the first things I constantly have to do is show people that I am not just some guy who decided to watch kids. I tell perspective employers of my CPR certifications, Red Cross training, and my official required state licensing. I couple these with my big resume and excellent references, but still find myself turned down from jobs in favor of people with a third of my experience. Some employers are polite and others are more honest saying “It just doesn’t feel right with a male”. I don’t want to make it sound like my experiences have mostly been negative. Male nannies do have our hardships, but I’ve also had experiences I wouldn’t trade for the world. I’ve worked with people who I’ve become close enough with to consider family. I’ve formed relationships that I’ll never forget. While my friends have been flipping burgers, bagging groceries and sitting at desks as jobs, I’ve been going swimming, playing laser tag and being “a big brother”. I try to be a good role model and a “big brother” figure to the children who I watch. As long as I stick by that mission statement, I haven’t failed yet. Will I do this work forever? I’m not sure, but I am enjoying it now, having the time of my life and will never forget my days as a “manny”.
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Thank you for your Essay Joshua. Have something on your mind? Let it out. Send submissions to isawyournanny@aol.com. We're always looking for Guest Columns!

Guest Column - Lost in Yonkers

Sunday, June 29, 2008
Guest Column by Eileen

In 2001, I moved from Wisconsin, to Scarsdale to NY To work for a very wealthy family. The family had two boys. The boys were 4 & 1. I was 20 years old. I had just graduated from junior college and was taking a hiatus from school.

My salary was to be $475 per week. I would live in a studio apartment on the third floor of the family home. I interviewed with the family by phone. They seemed nice enough. They flew me to NY to meet them. I was more than excited.

I dressed in white keds, white socks, white shorts and a pink blouse. My brown hair was in a pony tail. I was picked up at the airport by the father. His initial greeting was friendly, and then his phone started to ring. From that moment on, he communicated with me by hand signals as he spoke to someone on the phone. Grab your bag. Come this way. There. That car.

The car was an Expedition. He motioned for me to put my bags in. He didn't help. The whole way home he was on the phone talking about a merger. Endsol was creating a problem. I began to fear for Endsol. A meeting was called. He and his phone partner wondered together if Endsol would show. We won't give him a choice, my chauffeur shouted.

We pulled up to the impressive house. He put the phone down and helped me carry my bags in. Inside he screamed Benny, Benny, Benny.

Benny was a very short, very wide housekeeper. The father apologized sharing with me the fact that an unexpected problem had come up with work. I'd gathered that much already. But I nodded sympathetically. The father told me he had to tend to the problem. He assured me Benny would help me to get settled.

Then he was gone. The front door shut and there I stood in the entry way. Benny looked at me, clucked her tongue with disgust and pointed, 'your room on top, up top".

I took the first of three loads up. The studio apartment was a big living room, an enormous bathroom with a massive tub in the center of the bathroom and a bedroom off of the living room. Once you walked up that staircase you were in the studio. There was no actual door there nor was there any door on the bedroom. The bathroom had a wood slatted door that could be pulled shut but made me immediately ill at ease. No knob. No lock.

I looked around at my new digs. A large TV, stereo, game counsels, a big coffee table and two comfortable sofas in the living area. Hardwood floor. Oriental rugs. The bedroom offered a single bed and was thoroughly covered in pink and lace. I began to unpack. I hung my clothes in the bedroom closet. I took out my photographs and spread them around the area. A few in the bathroom, some on my dresser and still more in the living area.

I heard Benny yelling from the first floor. 'The babysitter, the babysitter. You come down here'.

I made my way back down the steps. I fond her in the massive, completely white kitchen. She gestured to a plate on the counter. 'I make the lunch. Mr. David tell me to make the lunch for you. I make the lunch. That's it. I no make you lunch after this. I no work for you. I work for Mr. David and Miss Sarah'.

What could I say? 'Thank you'.

Benny said, 'You eat. I go. Mr. David be home 7;30. No kids today".

I tried to take it all in. 'Thank you', I said again. I wondered where the kids were, where 'Miss Sarah' was. I sat and ate the lunch she had prepared. A very symmetrical turkey sandwich. Wheat bread, mayonnaise, sliced apples, potato chips and ice tea. Finished, I cleaned the plate and returned back upstairs. I watched TV until 9:30 feeling lost.

At 9:30, Mr. David comes home. He again apologizes. He again tells me about an unexpected problem. I am tired and nervous. I wonder if it shows? He tells me he had expected to spend a good chunk of time with me today. He tells me he wanted to show me around the house and around town. He tells me that I would really help him out if I continued to be patient with him. He tells me his wife took the kids to Buffalo and they wouldn't be returning until the day after next. I imagine that this is a scam. I imagine there are no children. No wife. Just this man. And me. I grow more nervous.

He tells me I should make myself at home. I should swim, use the car, take a walk and feel free to poke around. He tells me he is flying to Boston in the morning but will return tomorrow night at 7. He promises he will make time to show me around then.

I wonder to myself why his wife isn't here. Does he know what I am thinking? He tells me that Sarah has no patience for change. She's not good with new people. I smile politely.

The next day I am all alone. I don't feel alone. I feel as if this is some sort of test. Every motion detector looks like a hidden camera. I make breakfast. I make breakfast in a way I have never made breakfast before. I am meticulous. I walk around the kitchen with perfect postures and a smile on my face. I sit to eat my breakfast with a nap on my lap. I dab my face with my napkin after each carefully chewed bite.

Growing bored, I decide to take a spin in the car. I have no intention of going far. The neighborhood as we came in appeared small. I dress up and head out to explore.

I cruise out of the driveway. This is a breeze. This feels right. I turn the CD player on and Bruce Springstein begans to croon. I start to feel really good. I'm in control. I'm a New Yorker. I'm powerful.

I make mostly right turns and drive by the house twice. My house, I think to myself. The sun is beaming through the sun roof warming my head. I press on. Right. Right. Right. Left. Right. The road narrows a bit. The houses grow closer together. Did I go to far? I look for a place to turn around. But where? A still busier street looms ahead. With nowhere to turn, I had straight down the hill. I encounter a road called Central. A car pulls quickly to the right of me. He is turning right leaving me with the option to turn left. And so I do.

There are cars everywhere. Service stations. Strip malls. Stores I've never heard of and foreigners every where. Wisconsin seems awfully far from here. There is too much activity on my right side. Still more on my left side. In my hesitation to turn around, I end up pressing on.

I reach up and snap shut the sunroof. I fear it is illuminating my panic. I turn the radio off. My nerves are crackling. I keep driving. I have let go of the idea that I will do anything to regain control of this ride. The idea of turning either left or right overwhelms me. I press on. In my head, I feel as if something magical is about to present itself and set me on the correct course. Nothing happens. I am still driving. Am I still in Scarsdale?

Now there are too many stores, too many people and still more lanes of traffic. I must turn back now. My heart is palpitating. So many, many cars. So many, many people. I hastily get in to the left turn lane. I pull out the car length and a half to wait my turn. The light turns yellow. And then? And then red. No arrow. No pregnant pause. The cars race at me from the left and the right. I try to back up. I can't. Cars are beeping. The light changes again. I race forward. Nope. No light. Nothing. Traffic is heavy. There are no breaks. Beeping all around. I wait for a chance to turn. And then the light is green again. More beeping. Now screaming. I am in the middle of the intersection. Cars in both directions are swerving around me. No one stops. I feel like I am a bout to pass out. I burst in to tears.

Lights pull up behind me. A quick conversation with a police officer that reeked of beef jerky. Now he stands in front of me. He stops traffic and directs me to pull over. I do. He pulls behind me. He asks for my licence. Nice enough guy. I notice he happens to be a Yonkers police officer. I am still crying. He offers to lead me back the correct way. I follow him to what had to be the end of Yonkers and continue back on Central. I heed his directions. In 12 minutes I am back in the garage. Breathing deeply. Sighing with relief.

Once inside, I stay in my room for the rest of the day. Reading magazines. Watching television. Doodling. From downstairs, I hear the father call for me. He asks me to come down to the kitchen. I am in the kitchen now. He is apologizing again. Yes, I know. You had something unforeseeable come up at work.

HE asks me if I've eaten. I lie and say yes.
'What' he asks.
'Breakfast', I say.
He smiles and shakes his head, 'you'll eat a steak? I bought steaks'.

I smile politely. 'Thank you. yes'. He fries a steak in one pan, frozen hashbrowns in another. All the while he talks about the details of the nanny position. The impending renovation, school clothes, the upcoming school year, David's lobster allergy, Michael's musical talent, Sarah's intolerance for chaos and new people.

He is almost funny. And I find myself laughing. He gives me a tour of the house complete with the sump pump in the basement and instructions on what to do if there is a power outage. He shows me the children's bedroom, gestures to his room, the guest room, the alarm system, the closet with the linens and then he points deliberately at closed door, 'That', he says 'is Sarah's private area'.

I don't ask many questions. The tour concludes at the bottom of the steps where Benny had met me the first day. He says good night. I thank him. He starts to walk away, I ask, 'and when will the children be home tomorrow'. He laughs and says, 'Don't worry. They will find you'.

The next day I am bored. So bored I fall asleep on one of the sofas. I am awoken by footsteps on the wooden stairs heading up to mu studio. A thick haired, freckled boy bounds over the sofa landing in a prone position. Another boy appears next to me, immediately flips on the play station and sits down on the rug. I turn on the charm. I dial up my enthusiasm. I ask them about their trip, their drive, their summer.

Michael picks up one o my delicately framed photographs and asks, 'Who's so ugly'? as he tosses the picture to his brother. David responds by grunting, 'oh she is so gross' and throws the frame at the sofa I am sitting on. I frown, 'That's my sister'.

Michael responds, 'She needs a new face'.
'And better teeth' adds David.
'That's not nice', I correct. They are 6 & 9 but I am so upset by this I almost burst in to tears.
'Where's your mom', I ask.
'Take us swimming', David, the older child responds.
"Sure I guess I could do that. Let me check with your mother first'.
"Sure I guess I could do that. Let me check with your mother first'. Michael repeats holding his nose up to indicate that I resemble a pig.
David has leaped up and run to the bathroom. The door is partially open. I hear peeing. Michael gets up and heads that way. 'Shut the door, shithead', he tells his brother. I can hear peeing. 'Do you want to see David's penis?' Michael asks.
'I do not'. I respond tersely.
He laughs and shoots down the steps calling out, 'be fast. I'm hot'.
David exits the bathroom. I hadn't heard water running. I hadn't heard the toilet flush. As soon as David heads down the stairs, I grab a suit. I go to bathroom to dress and see urine all over the toilet. I mop it up with toilet paper.
I tread down the stairs in my Sears very modest 2 piece bathing suit. Sarah is walking from downstairs and meets me on the second floor landing. She looks me up from head to toe and says, 'Well I hope you're going swimming.'

'Yes, Michael and David asked..' I began an explanation but she cuts me off. She raises her hand in the air.

'Just keep it down. I have a migraine'. she says.
'Certainly'. I say.
She moves to walk away from me and I call out, 'nice to meet you'.
She covers her ears dramatically and raises a finger to her lips, 'shhhhh'.

I had arrived on Tuesday. It was now Thursday. I would last through to the following Thursday.
I would leave by cab as soon as the house went quiet. I had my bags packed and ready since Wednesday, just waiting to seize the opportunity. The kids were atrocious, ugly, obnoxious and not at all as bright as their parents thought they were. The father was a workaholic who no doubt conditioned himself to spend so much time away as to avoid his needy, demented wife. His wife was antagonistic. insecure, accusatory and distrustful. She had flipped out when she found out that her husband and I had dinner together that night. It was a dramatic fight, a screaming match in front of both children and myself.

The nanny agency offered to find me another position. I was not interested. I waited for 8 hours at the airport to get a flight back home. I wish I would have had a chance to see New York, but I don't for a second regret that I didn't make it as a nanny.

Top ten ways to annoy your child’s teachers...

Thursday, August 7, 2008 - Guest Column by Becky
(For all the parents of children in daycare)

Say goodbye, then come back, then good bye, then come back, then do it a couple more times just in case the kid doesn’t miss you enough yet. This way you’ll quickly teach your child never to believe a word you say because you’ll change your mind, and you’ll always keep those teachers on their toes wondering when to step in and help. Make sure you look at the teachers angrily when they don’t get that this is REALLY the last time you will say goodbye.

Come in to school while making a business call, don’t forget to “Shush” the other children as you come in since they are clearly not aware of how their noise is bothering your very important phone call. Become very angry when teachers ask you to take your phone call outside. Remind them of what a very important person you are – you don’t want them to forget.

Please bring your child in the middle of snack time armed with enough junk food (donuts, chips, soda) for six people and sit him down at the snack table and encourage him to eat something in front of all the children having fruit and rice cakes. Make sure to let him know to put the leftovers in his cubby so he can snack in front of others later.

Make sure your child brings a toy from home EVERYDAY even though share day is only on Friday. When the teacher reminds you EVERYDAY that “today is not share day” please make her the bad guy by telling her, ‘well, you take it away then”. This is an excellent way to create a relationship of trust with the teachers.

Please bring your child to school with a loaded diaper, and make sure you don’t have time to change it before you say goodbye. Teachers just adore another opportunity to be close to your child and they are more than happy to change that poopy diaper.

When your child is potty training please come to school up to four times a day and drag a chair into the bathroom along with your child and “encourage” them to poop in a very loud demanding way. Anyone can make a child poop at will just by yelling at them. We are so grateful you can come and do this – it’s very helpful to all the other children trying to go to the bathroom as well.

Please make a list of all the colors of marker/paint./crayon that your child is not allowed to use. We would never want to soil any of your child’s clothes at the PLAY – BASED, NON ACADEMIC preschool that YOU chose for your child. Don’t forget to remind us everyday that your child really doesn’t need to do art because it doesn’t teach them anything.

When the teachers ask you to label everything (especially jackets) they are not serious. They can easily keep track of thirty jackets, only 6 of them are exactly the same, they can figure it out by size. Don’t forget to become VERY upset when your child’s unmarked clothing goes missing, teachers are able to find things much quicker after you have loudly reminded them about the item. Don’t mind that they are busy with children, follow them around and stand over them reminded them of the color until the missing item is found.

Please interrogate each and every teacher upon pick up as to how many bites of food your child ate at lunch. We must make sure they are all on the same page (even those who were on their own lunch break at that time), and are consistently aware of how many bites of each food item all 30 kids in their care ate. This influences what type of Happy Meal to buy your child for dinner so you NEED to know how much lunch they ate.

The best way to annoy your child’s teacher is to go above and beyond the call of a parent by letting them know what they should be doing as far as curriculum and how this play based program isn’t really teaching them anything. You understand that you chose this program (but not because it was play based – because it was three blocks from home and you could always change their curriculum later) You have learned this from your three years as a parent, and your years of college education as an engineer. You are confident that the teacher’s backgrounds in child Development are not sufficient for planning curriculum and they look forward to your daily input of how it should really be done.

Parents,
After dealing with so many of you in my teaching/directing career, I have come to the conclusion that there should be a required class and test before people are allowed to become parents. As well to do financial wizards, doctors and lawyers it amazes me that you can look down your nose at my lowly job, yet still be such an idiot that you leave the baby in the car alone while you come in to read a book to your child, and ask me who the new teacher is (even though it was printed in the newsletter, an e-mail announcement went out, and was written on the notice board) and she’s been here 4 months!!

Here’s to hoping that your “parent sense” will soon kick in.
-A frustrated child care director/teacher

Have something on your mind? Let it out. Send submissions to isawyournanny@aol.com. We're always looking for guest columns!

The Trickle Up Effect

Received Saturday, September 26, 2008. - Guest Column by F in NY
Wall Street is busting and the FBI is looking at the CEOs and fatcats, well I dare say, look down; because it is the nanny that is robbing us all blind.

The modern day nanny. Who is she? In New York, she is 40% likely to be from any of the Caribbean Islands, 35 % likely to be Hispanic, 13 percent likely to be American born and 2% likely to be white.
In NYC, the average nanny is an immigrant and hails from a country where she is unlikely to have received an education past the eighth grade. In NYC, the average nanny is 80% likely to make $12 or more per hour. In NYC, the average nanny is 43% likely to make $15 or more per hour. And yet, in NYC, 90% of the nannies are paid off of the books.

So, you are paying these women $12 cash per hour. $12 cash? Depending on your income bracket, that is $16 or more per hour. And $15 cash? Depending on your income bracket, that is $19.20 or more per hour. Are you kidding me?
How hard are we supposed to believe this nannying job is anyway? Unless you are a psychologically afflicted person, if you are a female, you should have an instinct to mother. Yet so many nannies act as if by simply wiping a child’s nose and teaching the child how to count to seven in Portuguess-that they are saving the world? Are you kidding me?

Most nannies get two weeks paid vacations. Some nannies get 4 weeks or more paid vacations. Some nannies make $25 or more per hour. More than fifty percent of the live in nannies with driver’s license in our suburban areas are provided nanny vehicles. Gas and insurance is provided for the nanny.

Oh there are educated nannies. I met a sweet white nanny two weeks ago. She was an American nanny who had dropped out during her third month of cosmetology school.

Let’s go apply for a job. Off to Home Depot, where perhaps one of those sturdy nannies can get a job lifting plywood, starting pay $6.95. How about we take the nanny with the affinity for wake lashes and red eye shadow and get her a job in the cometic’s department of CVS? $7.10 per hour. You want to work in a grocery store? Stand on your feet all day, your only break from the constant work of ringing and bagging groceries, those times when you are lifting boxes and stocking shelves? $6.75 per hour. And guess what, all of these hard working SOBs pay taxes on their hourly wage. They have to wear uniforms and punch clocks and take short, scheduled breaks.
These poor saps have to pack their lunch every day or buy their lunch. The boss is not keeping their favorite foods on hand so they can nosh at will. Nope, that’s just for you ungrateful nannies. Ungrateful nannies who complain about everything they are given not realizing that some of us do realize they deserve far less.

You truly think you are worthy of having your employer pay for your insurance benefits? Let’s go back to that Stop and Shop employee, busting her ass for $6.75 an hour, paying TAXES on that salary and paying for her own food out of that salary, do you think they are going to pay for her insurance?

Then why do you think that your employer should pay your insurance?

I am so sick of these overrated nannies. The lot of them would be deemed unhirable by any of the companies listed above. All of these uneducated women, reclining on Ethan Allen sofas in air conditioned rooms with massive remote controls.. who do they think they are?

And why did you, my sisters, let it get so bad? Out of guilt for leaving your children to return to work, you have been blackmailed into paying way too much money for less than admirable care. It’s a game they are playing, and I say their time is up.

Why are so many CEOS making costly dealing and short selling? No doubt to meet their nanny’s dastardly and greedy demands. Let’s all take a vow to start paying our nannies a fair market wage for this economy. No nanny should be making more than $7.00 per hour tax free. It isn’t right, it isn’t fair and it needs to stop.

If we redefine the roles and let the nannies know that we, the employers are in charge, perhaps they will stop behaving so obstinately and ignorantly. We will tell you when to show up, for how long to work, when to take your breaks and what to do every minute in between time, if we decide. If we have an issue about your job performance, we will tell you flat out how and where you are messing up and you will adjust your performance, not back us into submission with your threats of voodoo.
You will learn to appreciate the comfortable atmosphere our homes provide you, the comfort of our furnishings and the ability to graze at will for free throughout the day. You will stop babbling about infringing on your rights as you will be video taped on a daily basis just like every other employee mentioned in this piece is.

You, the nanny will adjust your attitude and you will say to us, your employers, “thank you for the opportunity to work for you. I appreciate it”.
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Have something on your mind? Let it out. Send submissions to isawyournanny@aol.com. We're always looking for Guest Columns!

By Nanny Megan
Weekly Questions

1) Nannies: What do you find to be the most rewarding thing about your job? Parents: How are you able to tell if your Nanny is “good or bad”?

2) Nannies: What is the most frustrating part of your job as a Nanny? Parents: What does your Nanny do that frustrates you the most?

3) Nannies: What is your favorite meal to make for your charges and their family? Parents: What is your favorite thing that your Nanny makes for family?

4) Nannies: How much do you think you should be paid for the duties that you do each day? Parents: If money wasn’t an issue, how much do you think your Nanny should be making daily?

5) Nannies: What is your favorite activity to do outside of the home with your charge? Parents: Are there any activities you require your Nanny to do with your children, if so, what are they?

Do you Feel Like your Nanny is Taking Over?

Submitted by Molly Cunningham

Ideally, the relationship between a nanny and her employers is one that is close enough that she becomes a valued member of the extended family in addition to being an employee. More often than not, however, a working relationship that gets too close becomes bereft of boundaries, in which nannies feel comfortable assuming far more control than is warranted and parents feel comfortable heaping more responsibility on her than she originally bargained for. If you find yourself in the position of feeling that your nanny is performing more of the tasks that keep your household running and is effectively taking over control of your home, it’s not too late to set those essential boundaries:

1) Institute Family Time – Most nannies understand that family time is just that, so make a production out of instituting a regular game or movie night, or a family outing. Let your nanny know that she’ll have that time off to do as she pleases, which sends a subtle but pointed message that you’re spending time with your children as a family, and that her services aren’t required during bonding time.

2) Relieve Her of Duties That Aren’t Related to Childcare – When your nanny does your laundry, makes your bed, and shops for all of your food, it’s easy for her to begin to feel as if she’s got a stake in the running of your household and justified in making decisions that affect it. Rather than blaming your nanny for the amount of control that you perceive her to have or even outright bossiness on her part, make an effort to narrow the scope of her responsibilities back to where it should be: caring for your children while you’re away.

3) Communicate Your Concerns Respectfully and Calmly – Your nanny has no way of knowing how you feel if you don’t communicate your feelings to her, but these situations can be so fraught with emotion that the conversation spirals out of control and degenerates into a shouting match that ends in tears and possibly the loss of a nanny. Approach the conversation as calmly and reasonably as possible, resisting the urge to level accusations or display resentment. Keep in mind that your nanny is almost certainly not trying to seize control of your home and children; she’s probably trying to do her job to the very best of her abilities and doesn’t realize that you feel she’s crossed a line.

4) Consider the Possibility That You’re Suffering from Nanny Jealousy – Being forced to spend the bulk of your day out of your home and away from your children while your nanny witnesses every milestone and major triumph can make even the most pragmatic parent a bit jealous. Unfortunately, this jealousy can cause you to feel subconsciously angry at a nanny whose only goal is to provide exemplary care. Before approaching your nanny with concerns or accusations, take a moment to carefully examine your true motivation; do you truly feel that your nanny is overstepping her bounds, or are you simply envious of the time that she gets to spend with your little ones?

5) Set Firm Rules About Discipline – One of the most common causes for contention between nannies and their employers is a fundamental disagreement about proper discipline. Your nanny should understand that, in the end, your style of parenting and methods of discipline should be respected above all else, as you and your partner are the ones who ultimately make decisions regarding the rearing of your children.

6) Play an Active Role – Sometimes nannies take on more than their fair share of child rearing responsibilities when they feel as if there’s a void left by busy parents. Rather than blaming your nanny for attempting to ensure that your kids get all the love and devotion that they need, try to take a more active role in their daily lives.

7) Avoid Being Passive-Aggressive – It’s easy to resort to passive-aggressive tactics in order to regain control that you feel you’ve lost to your nanny, but such methods are almost sure to backfire in the end. Instead, make the effort to confront the situation decisively and with as much respect and consideration for your nanny’s feelings as possible in order to effectively resolve the situation with a minimum amount of hurt feelings or resentment.

Nannies that actively try to take over a household in order to establish dominance or control are few and far between, because those that approach the profession from that angle tend to have short-lived careers. Keep in mind that the vast majority of nannies genuinely want to perform their jobs to the best of their abilities, and to keep their employers happy.

10 Reasons You Need a Written Nanny/Employer Work Agreement

Submitted by Nancy Parker enannysource.com

While having a written work agreement may seem like a simple formality between a nanny and employer, the reality is a written work agreement is essential for a successful employment arrangement. In fact, in some jurisdictions, a written work agreement may actually be required. There are many reasons why a written nanny/employer work agreement is essential. These include:

Reason 1. A written work agreement establishes a professional relationship between the nanny and the employer from the start of the relationship. When a written work agreement is executed, the employer, employee relationship is formally created.

Reason 2. A written work agreement spells out the logistics of employment. From the nanny’s role and responsibilities, to who is responsible for withholding payroll taxes, to the nanny’s salary and benefits package, a work agreement outlines each of the parties’ duties, responsibilities and expectations.

Reason 3. A written work agreement gives you something to refer back to when questions arise. How many times has a nanny gone home on a Friday night thinking she has the Monday holiday off, only to get a phone call Monday morning from her employer asking where she is? A written work agreement allows you to say “Let’s look at what we agreed to” when questions about holidays, paid time off, or other topics arise.

Reason 4. A written work agreement foresees possible situations and outlines how they will be handled. What happens if the family decides to move across the country a few months after they have hired their nanny? Who pays the insurance deductable if the nanny is in a car accident while on duty? A written work agreement addresses how things like early termination, insurance coverage and deductibles and relocation will he handled.

Reason 5. A written work agreement may remove you from at-will status. In at-will states, workers can be fired for any reason at anytime, provided the reason is not illegal. A written work agreement that includes a specific start and end date may override a nanny’s at-will status. However, if the written work agreement cites that a nanny may be fired for cause, no cause or for specific reasons, she can still be fired according to the terms in her agreement.

Reason 6. A written work agreement offers proof of employment terms. Perhaps a nanny is forced to quit her job because her employer changed her role or responsibilities drastically. Or maybe the nanny’s employer didn’t pay her portion of state payroll taxes, although the employer agreed to. What if a nanny claims her employer was supposed to be withholding her portion of state payroll taxes, but her employer never agreed to do so? Having written documentation of the employment terms can protect both the nanny and employer when sticky situations arise.

Reason 7. A written work agreement provides clarity to both the employer and employee on crucial issues. Unlike with a verbal agreement that may be subject to the memory of each party, with a written agreement, there is no question as to what both parties agreed to. A written work agreement should spell out things like house rules, daily responsibilities and duties, pay periods, tax responsibilities, pay and benefits packages, sick days, personal days, holidays off, the nanny’s start date, end date, weekly schedule and more.

Reason 8. A written work agreement is legally binding. A written work agreement, or contract, is enforceable in court. So if an employer doesn’t allow her nanny to take the agreed upon vacation time or if the nanny quits without giving the two weeks’ notice that was agreed upon, legal action can be taken.

Reason 9. A written work agreement serves as a starting point for negotiating. Each year, both the nanny and employer should review the written work agreement and evaluate if it needs to be changed or altered. Even if no changes are needed, a new written work agreement should be executed.

Reason 10. A written work agreement articulates household and employment policies. If a nanny wakes up with a stomach bug and can’t get into work, knowing how and when to notify her employer can help ease anxiety for the nanny and allow enough time for the employer to secure back-up care, should it be needed.

While there are many reasons to have a written nanny/employer agreement, there is really no good reason not to. Take the time to do things right and lay everything out on the table. That way there are no surprises and everyone knows what to expect. A healthy working relationship is vital.

Trial Run

Friday, August 8, 2008 - Guest Column by Abbey
Several years ago I decided to quit my job working in HR and go back to school for my Masters in Education. I'd been a live-in nanny during college, and I knew I could find a childcare job that would give me the flexibility I needed, so I started a job search. I registered with a few agencies, including one I'd worked with on my previous search. They set me up immediately with an interview for what sounded like the perfect family.

They lived on the UES in a beautiful penthouse apartment. I met with the mother on my first interview and everything went smoothly. There were three children ages 8, 11 and 13. My day with them would begin around noon while they were in school. I'd come in to get their rooms together, run errands, etc. Then I'd pick the kids up, help with homework, after-school activities and getting ready for bed. My day would end around 8pm. That sounded great to me as I'd have all morning for myself and my classes. The pay was 1K/week which was exactly what I was looking for. I think after that first interview I believed I'd found my dream job.

We decided to do a little "test run" the following weekend. They were going to head out to their house in Bedford for the weekend and I agreed to join them. That Saturday morning I showed up at 8am to find the beautiful penthouse apartment in shambles. Each child had something that he or she couldn't find but desperately needed for the trip. The housekeeper was going from room to room, rifling through drawers, pulling things out, muttering to herself and then moving on to the next screaming child. The mother hid until the housekeeper and myself (although I had no idea where anything was kept) sorted the children out and then she and the father emerged to load up the cars.

The ride took maybe an hour and a half but it seemed like a lifetime. I rode with the father and the two sons. He spent most of the drive alternately belittling and yelling at them. When we arrived at the house this carried on. The mother yelled at the father, the father yelled at the groundskeeper (memorably: "This is a 3 million dollar estate! Why can't I get anything to work correctly! 3 million dollars!!). The children yelled at everyone, including me, whom they'd know for only about 4 hours. And through it all the housekeeper wandered around the kitchen muttering obscenities about everyone under her breath (but not all that quietly).

The kids, when they weren't angry or yelling, were actually nice, and we had a good game of soccer out on the lawn. My overwhelming feeling was of being an expensive toy. I didn't think I was going to be able to discipline these kids, and it didn't seem that the parents were interested in that either. But, when kids are just playing it's hard not to have a good time with them, even if you can see they have great brat potential.

The final straw for me came at dinner time. The housekeeper prepared and served dinner in the dining room for the family, who always dined formally when in Bedford or Manhattan. They sat down to eat and I was left out on the lawn picking up balls. Neither mother nor father ever thought about the fact that I, too, might be interested in eating dinner. In my past jobs I had always eaten with the family, or at least been given that option. It would not have disturbed me at all had the mother said, "We're going to have a family dinner in the dining room, but please help yourself and take dinner to your room or eat in the kitchen." But that was too much to be bothered with. When it dawned on me what had happened I was incensed, but also kind of relieved, because it made it much easier to do what I'd been thinking practically since the moment I arrived that morning.

I helped with the children's baths and getting them into bed and then I asked the mother if i could speak with her privately. To this day I remember exactly what I said to her, "I've had a nice time today and you have a lovely family, but I don't think we're a good fit. Is there a train station nearby?" She took on a very pursed-lip look, but to her credit, she never really batted an eyelash. She said of course, took me there herself and wished me well. It made me feel a little guilty for not sticking it out until the next afternoon, but I was so absolutely relieved to be going home, that guilt quickly evaporated.

5 Steps to Securing Your First Nanny Job

Submitted by Martina Keyhell
www.becomeananny.com


Getting into the nanny business is not as easy as you may initially think. Perhaps you’ve raised your own children and feel qualified to help others raise theirs, or maybe you’ve been laid off from work and think working as a nanny is a quick way to earn an easy buck. The reality, however, is that many parents and placement agencies will only work with nannies that have several years of documented childcare experience. So while landing your first job isn’t impossible, it’s definitely going to take a concentrated effort. So you’d like to secure your first nanny job. Now what?

Step 1. Gain childcare experience. To be considered as a viable nanny candidate, you must have some prior experience working with children. If you’ve done limited babysitting, consider expanding your client base and doing more. You could also gain experience by working as a “mother’s helper” or as an au pair. If you are not yet 100% confident in caring for children on your own, consider volunteering as an assistant in your church nursery or preschool, or connect with other organizations that service young children. There you’ll likely have experienced role models to learn from.

Step 2. Expand your training, knowledge and skills. If you aren’t yet CPR and first aid certified, make getting so a high priority. Consider taking early childhood education courses at your local community college or participating in a distance learning program especially for nannies or childcare workers. Attending conferences geared towards early childhood educators can also help you acquire knowledge and strengthen your skills. Read books on child development, subscribe to parenting magazines and educate yourself on best practices for nannies. Joining a local nanny support group or professional nanny association, like the International Nanny Association, can provide you with nanny specific resources.

Step 3. Secure letters of reference. As you gain childcare experience, either through volunteering or working, gather letters of reference. Keep a childcare journal and be sure to document the hours that you spend caring for children, along with the dates of care, parents contact information, children’s ages and your specific duties and responsibilities. In addition to childcare related references, secure a written character reference or two from a reputable member of your community that knows you well.

Step 4. Create a resume and portfolio. Put together a resume that outlines your work history, educational background and child care experience. Include a letter of intent that states why you wish to work as a nanny. In your portfolio, include any certificates that you have earned and letters of reference that you have gathered. You may also wish to include some photos that show you interacting with the children in your care (with their parent’s permission of course), as well as photos of any special projects you and the children have done.

Step 5. Use all available resources. Once you are ready to secure your first nanny position, let the world know. Tell your friends and family members, create a profile on eNannySource.com, contact your local placement agency, and put flyers in places where parents and children frequent. Not every parent will consider hiring a nanny that doesn’t have nanny experience. Cast your nets wide to find the parents that will.

Like with any career, getting your foot in the door is always the hardest part. Once you secure your first nanny job, provided you excel at it, getting future ones shouldn’t be so hard.

Death and Taxes

So, January is gone in one of those blink and you’ve missed it spurts of time. I love January. I spend the entire month of January full of New Year energy, eating well, working out more, removing credit cards from my wallet and attempting to hide them from myself as I have once again resolved to be Debit Not Credit for a full year. (Last year I made it until April when I broke down and bought really good concert tickets.) And, my favorite part of January, I get to file my taxes.

I love filing my taxes so much that this year on New Year Eve at the Furthur concert during the countdown spectacle – which was a woman in costume riding a huge, glowing, growling, smoke spewing dragon from the rafters of the venue down to the stage as The Rolling Stones “Start me Up” blasted from the sound system with thousands of people chanting “THREE…TWO…ONE…HAPPY NEW YEAR…” and then the band launched into “Sugar Magnolia” and I kissed my boyfriend heartily – a very small part of my brain was actually thinking, “I wonder how long it will take for my W-2 to arrive in the mail?” A larger part of my brain was also wondering when the bar outside our section would be closing soon and if I should fetch myself another drink to keep my perfect New Year’s buzz buzzing along for the third set. But let the record show, it was only several strokes past midnight on January 1st, and I was excited to file my taxes.

During the tenure of my nanny career, I have had those interviews where the family tries to convince me that paying me under the table would be to my great advantage. They would be able to afford a higher hourly rate, they would point out, if they did not have to be saddled with the huge burden of paying the amount of monies it would cost them to cover payroll taxes. Seriously, they make it sound like a fee imposed by the Mob. I have this theory about those who employ a Nanny. As it has been pointed out on this blog, having an educated professional come to your home to watch your child is the most expensive form of childcare, and as with dining out in a fine restaurant, if you can’t afford to do it right, don’t do it. I would never go out to eat, and then smile at the waitress and say, “Everything was excellent, but I cannot afford to leave you a tip. I’m sure you understand!”

If you are not being paid on the books, you are not paying into your social security or Medicare, there is no hope of ever receiving unemployment should you lose your job and there is no Workers Comp should you get injured on the job. Furthermore, your employers are not contributing to our nation’s economy by engaging in Black Market policies - yes - I did say Black Market, for if you are not reporting your income or paying taxes on your employee you are breaking the law and committing a crime. Wanna sleep well at night? Pay your taxes.

Now, about those pesky employers who suggest that you simply claim your own taxes by filing a 1099, I will retort with the argument that a Nanny is not an Independent Contractor, a Nanny is an employee. Independent Contractors use the 1099 tax forms. Employees do not. Independent Contractors generally set their own hours and decide their workload and tasks for the day. Does that sound like the general life of a Nanny? My employers sets my schedule and responsibilities, therefore, I am an employee. I spoke at length about this topic with a good friend of mine who is also an excellent accountant. He described one grey area to this argument. If I myself were to open a Nanny Agencies that ONLY placed Nannies on short-term assignments - say just for one day or one evening– at tax time those Nannies could file an entire slew of 1099 forms for all the jobs they did, as I had placed them as Independent Contractors. Additionally he explained, Employees who wished to file a tax return independent of that vexatious employer who is refusing to withhold taxes, they should turn to the schedule C section on the 1040 Unincorporated Business tax form, not the 1099. The Wikipedia website gives this quote regarding the 1099 tax form on their website: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/IRS_tax_forms:

“Form 1099 series is used to report various types of income other than wages, salaries, and tips (for which Form W-2 is used instead). Examples of reportable transactions are amounts paid to a non-corporate independent contractor for services (in IRS terminology, such payments are nonemployee compensation)”

Over the years as I evolved from the 1040ez form procured from the Post Office to doing my taxes online with Turbo Tax, I have learned several pointers about filing my taxes as a career nanny that result in a larger refund, and I would like to share them with you on this blog to assist my fellow Nannies during tax time.

Keep a car/gas log.
What is one of the oldest complaints here on this blog? That the nanny does not get reimbursed for gas, repairs and wear and tear on their personal vehicle that they use for their job. If you were to begin a car and gas log right now and keep it for the entire year, next January you will have a record of exactly what you spent on gas for your job, and how many miles you drove for your job. With my position, I am incessantly on the go in my car. As the Nanny/ House Manager / PA for my family I am driving constantly, from picking up dry-cleaning to dropping off children picking up groceries to shuttling pets to picking up the children again. The Turbo Tax program walks you through your deductions, and the better records you keep, the better your tax return can be for you and your bank account. Look over your log and figure out the percentage that you are using your car for work. Save each and every receipt, for there are sections to report not only gas and mileage, but also oil changes, registration fees, and other general repairs. Keeping a log for your vehicle that you use for work will keep all your data accurate. Turbo Tax gives you the option as well to ask for a standard deduction for your vehicle, and my accountant friend suggests that this, as well as trying to get your employer to refund you for gas is a wonderful way to go. However, for the employee who does not get reimbursed, it is very good to know how to handle it for yourself. And, as we all know from reading the rants on this blog, a lot of nannies never get reimbursed.

Receipts, receipts and more receipts!
What have you purchased in the last year to use for your job? Has your employer sprung a dress code on you? Did you procure a cell phone for your job? A computer? Finger paints? Lesson plans? Keep those receipts Nannies. A proper tax program will assist you in itemizing your deductions, but you’ll need to make certain that you’ve done your part in filing away your receipts in an organized fashion.

So, my fellow Nannies, I wish you all a wonderful and prosperous 2012, where everyone is paid on the books, properly reimbursed, maintain their receipts in an OCD fashion and has a proper W-2 in their fist next year. Let us all make a resolution to be treated like the professional that we are.
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Rebecca Nelson Lubin is a Nanny and writer who resides in the San Francisco Bay Area. To see more of her Articles visit www.abandofwives.ning.com.

What is Nanny Professionalism?

Written By Mary S.
Why is it that unprofessional Nanny behavior is so very rampant in the Nanny profession? I think it is because Nannies, like many in other professions, do not understand what professionalism really is and how it can be an asset to them.

Professionalism has nothing to do with a salary or a title -- anyone can be a professional if they commit to it. Professionalism is the total package of attitude, speech, behavior, and appearance. Professionals are perceived to be a “class act”; people you can trust. They need not demand respect because instead, they inspire it. Insisting upon professional behavior makes them serious role models, not mean bitches.

You know how almost everyone you do business with (health care professionals, auto maintenance workers, utilities, contractors, government agencies, etc.) has some sort of written contract you must sign before proceeding to do business with them? There is a reason for that. It spells out expectations on both sides, and holds both sides accountable. It is objective and unemotional, clearing the path for professional behavior on both sides.

How to approach the concept of an employment contract.
They way you present the contract is equally as important as the contents of the contract. You DO NOT present it diffidently or with embarrassment, as something that you hope they will accept. Rather you present it confidently and with optimism, implying that of course they will be as invested in it as you are, and for the same reasons -- the establishment of and protection of a professional relationship with healthy boundaries.

If the employers intend that you sign and abide by THEIR contract, express appreciation for the fact that they have a contract and state that you would never consider employment without one. But in a matter-of-fact way point out that you will be negotiating using your own contract, which is open to their input but will be written and finalized by you. They sign, you initialize -- not the other way around.

Why is authorship important? Like other professionals, you are the one providing the service, therefore you are the one who dictates the terms of the contract. If you are the author of the contract, the parents will be more inclined to pay attention to it because: if your contract is broken, you will quit; if the parents’ contract is broken, the parents will fire you. Authorship=authority; authority=ownership; ownership=control of destiny.

These may seem like radical or even subversive concepts to some Nannies, but in reality they are quite common and unremarkable in the professional world. Because Nannying involves work that is very sentimental and intimate, it can be difficult to view it rationally and objectively, but it is precisely because it is so sentimental and intimate that professionalism is critical to a successful working relationship.

If the parents cannot handle all these elements of a contract with aplomb, they are not ready for a professional employer-Nanny relationship and you need to keep looking. In fact, the pre-employment screening is the most critical part of a Nanny’s career maneuvers... being able to suss out dysfunctional families before even agreeing to enter into a contract will prevent 95% of all employer-Nanny problems.

So pay attention to the nuances during an interview. Do NOT apologize, over-explain, or try to force-fit your concept of a contract over their pre-existing concept... it will not work. If met with uncertainty, calmly clarify; but if met with opposition or hostility, be confident in yourself, disengage, and move on. A healthy employer-Nanny relationship is truly a joy; a dysfunctional one lands you a post on ISYN filled with whining and ranting.

How professionalism can prevent job creep.
You need to step into every new Nanny job with an acutely pro-active attitude and razor-sharp vigilance. Once hired, remain aware of the exact terms of your contract -- it’s not just a pretty piece of paper, it is a document governing behavior; USE IT! When a special request is made, don’t immediately smile brightly and say eagerly, “Sure! No problem!”. Instead, pause to evaluate how compliant it is with your contract and generally do NOT agree to do it. Some parents have a longer learning curve than others, so you will need to be persistent and consistent, but the simple truth is that you cannot be taken advantage of unless you permit it.

Now granted, every professional must balance being flexible with not permitting oneself to be taken advantage of. You can bend the rules now and then but ONLY if you are strong enough to immediately go back to enforcing the contract after making it clear that you made a rare special exception. This is where a lot of Nannies start to dig their own hole; they may start out strong but once they bend the rules even once, they are reluctant to go back to enforcing them. Don’t fall into this trap; if you do, you have no one but YOURSELF to blame.

Another way that many Nannies start to dig their own hole is to say to themselves, “Hmm, it’s technically breaking the rules but I really don’t mind.”... only to discover that, once it’s habitual, they do indeed mind. You know how a teacher will say to a student, “I can’t do that for you, because then I’d have to do it for everyone else.”? Well that’s the way to look at job creep, which you can nip in the bud by saying “I can’t do it this time, because then I’d have to do it every time.”.

Now occasionally, a family’s circumstances will change and what the parents didn’t used to do to you, or ask you to do for them, will begin to become a recurring issue. There are times when there is a legitimate need to change the parameters of your job. If you are being vigilant, as you should, you will recognize this fairly quickly and call for a re-negotiation of your contract because that is what professionals do instead of whining, complaining, ranting, or seething while being passive-aggressive.

How professionalism can prevent emotional dysfunction.
How many times has a Nanny said, regarding a horrific job, “I stay in spite of it all because I love the kids so much, and they would be devastated to lose me.”

If this applies to you, then you need to learn what appropriate emotional boundaries are and how to set them. You are doing neither yourself NOR your charges any favors if you behave like a family member rather than a professional. This is why people in other caregiving professions are specifically and carefully taught how and why to set boundaries. Do you think health care professionals, social workers, teachers, etc., ever remain trapped in dysfunctional relationships because their clients would be “devastated” if they left? Of course not, and neither should the professional Nanny.

Setting appropriate emotional boundaries is not the sign of a less-loving Nanny, or a cold Nanny, or a Nanny “just doing a job”; rather, it is the sign of a professional Nanny who does not want to compromise the Nanny-charge relationship by refusing to acknowledge the respective roles in that relationship. If you handle this issue professionally, the children will be sad at your eventual departure, and will miss you for a while -- but if they truly are “devastated”, you will have left them crippled rather than empowered. In addition, you will have demonstrated your own immaturity by enabling a dysfunctional relationship in which your over-investment emotionally has compromised your commitment to your professionalism.

In summary.
Because Nannies are largely un-regulated, and have job duties involving what is typically viewed as the role of any random (but good) mother in the neighborhood, they’ve never really coalesced as a professional entity. Nannies have many obstacles to overcome if they wish to avoid the roadblocks to being treated as professionals, but the good news is that the power is in the hands of the Nannies themselves. This means Nannies need only be exploited to the extent they allow it, and they will be empowered to the extent they take charge. Remember, Nannies are a commodity desperately needed, not a service begging to be used.

Five Basic Principles to Land Your Dream Job

Tuesday, August 5, 2008- Guest Column by North Jersey Nanny
A few weeks ago, I read H’s post about interviewing/hiring a nanny with great interest, as I am a career nanny and I was in the process of searching for a job. Although I was did not like her tone through the piece, I agreed with the underlying sentiment – you can NEVER be too careful in selecting a caregiver for your child. However, like most professional nannies, I am also extremely selective in the interview process and believe in taking my time and finding the perfect fit. It took me three months to find my current position and I am so glad I waited, as I can picture myself here for years to come.

Why did it take me three months to find this position? It wasn’t for lack of interviews, or job offers, for that matter. It was the communication gap between potential families and myself – the vague e-mails that led to pointless interviews, the bait and switch scenarios, and the desperate desire to find the ONE job that had to be out there. I’m hoping that this post helps parents understand a nannies’ point of view during the interview process and helps at least one family find the perfect nanny. Hopefully it won’t take three months!

Please note that I found my current position through a community posting board and am not an advocate of using nanny agencies. In my experience, agencies push both nannies and employers to settle for less then perfect, in order to collect their finder’s fee. I am comfortable with extensive record checking and reference verification; in fact, I encourage it. I am not comfortable with someone else representing me.

Be realistic from the get go: Craig’s List in my area (Northern New Jersey suburbs of Manhattan) is like a car crash sometimes. You just can’t look away, as horrible as it might be. Craig’s List Crusader, among others, gives you a good idea of what people are looking for (and what they are willing to pay) and it really gives me pause. There is a pervasive sense of entitlement that really bothers me among families. I understand wanting the best possible care for your child and I also understand the realities of the current economic situation. However, more and more, I see ads offering sub-minimum wage salaries with demands such as COLLEGE EDUCATED A MUST and YOU BETTER BE CLEAN CAUSE I WILL RUN YOUR BACKGROUND (no, I’m not joking. Look for yourself.) I appreciate honesty as much as anyone else but those ads will not attract a high quality caregiver. Be as specific, and honest, as possible. The most important thing I look for in an ad is the tone. $700 A WEEK CA$$$$H I NEED SOMEONE NOW YOU BETTER COOK CLEAN AND DRIVE CAUSE THAT’S WHAT I NEED AND YOU WEAR A UNIFORM AND VACATION AFTER ONE YEAR LIVE IN GO HOME ON WEEKENDS WE NEED T HE ROOM $700 A WEEK CA$$$$$$H would not draw my attention, at all. As a parent, I would never consider a candidate whose ad was incoherent, disrespectful, and riddled with misspellings. Why would I respond to a prospective employers’ ad that shares those qualities? However, a well written ad detailing responsibilities, location, and general salary range would.

Honesty is the best policy: Although I posted one ad on Craig’s List during my search, I prefer to contact families myself. Once I read an ad, I get a general idea of whether or not I would be a good fit for their requirements and can decide whether or not to continue. Once I’ve made e-mail contact with a family, I really like to have a long (and involved) phone conversation to discuss my qualifications and what the job entails. Understandably, some parents hesitate to discuss salary during these phone calls. “Money isn’t the most important thing” and all that, but – the fact is – if I am going to drive to your house and devote a few hours of my time to learning more about your position, I am going to need to know if we are on the same page. Commiserate with experience is a term I am so sick of – it has no meaning in the relatively unregulated nanny market. I have responded to ads with that phrase in it several times and have received responses that varied from minimum wage (in ca$$$$h) to $52,000.00/year on the books (benefits negotiable). PLEASE be prepared to discuss a salary range before meeting me in person. I once drove 30 minutes to a job interview that was held on a magnificent estate. I spent 4 hours of my time touring the grounds, meeting the children, and speaking with the former nanny. When it was time for the salary talk, the mother calmly told me, “Starting salary for our nannies is $7/hourly with no overtime. Vacation means you travel with us and you receive Christmas off paid.” If we had this discussion over the phone, I would have been able to tell her I was not the right person for the job. You are welcome to offer whatever salary and benefits are right for your family – but please be upfront about them.

Privacy is important to me: I would never give a stranger my employers’ phone number. What kind of judgment would that show? That’s why I’m so surprised how many people expect references in the first e-mail or prior to meeting. My former employers’ are busy, professional people who are kind enough to speak to serious, prospective employers about my job performance and skills. I provide home phone numbers and addresses so potential employers can verify identities and I am willing to give personal references as well. If you are uncomfortable with me meeting your children before verifying my address, I have one word for you: Starbucks. If I gave my references to everyone who I spoke to about a potential job, I would be wasting unbelievable amounts of time and providing sensitive information to glorified strangers. It isn’t going to happen; please understand.

Your kids are not that cute: In the current economy, a lot of people are feeling the squeeze. However, I am not a volunteer. Single parents, low income families, etc – there are resources for child care and excellent daycares that offer wonderful, loving care at affordable rates. Au pairs average $300/ish a week (or so I’ve heard) and that’s live in help. When I posted my (sole) ad offering my services, almost half of the responses began “I cannot afford to pay much, but… My kids are REALLY cute and well behaved”. As someone who was raised by a single parent, I can respect you for wanting excellent childcare for your child. As someone who supports my family, I cannot accept a position that pays $3 an hour. However, there are some free to inexpensive ways to attract a quality caregiver when you cannot keep up with the Joneses. I know an amazing nanny who left her position when she became pregnant because she was working crazy hours. She now makes half of what she took home before ($10/hourly, pre-tax) and has never been happier – because her current employers allow her to bring her son! I accepted my current position, partially because it offers a four day work week. Be creative in your thinking – do you have a cell phone plan that you could ad a nanny to? A family Y membership? Do you get summer Fridays or a lot of vacation days? Treat your nanny like you would like to be treated – and then treat her a little bit better. Yes, you still need to pay a living wage, but perks mean a lot to a caregiver. A family that keeps its word and respects its nanny keeps help a lot longer then people who are financially generous and personally… difficult.

Once you’ve made your choice, let’s start working – together! This site is a testimony to the fact that there are extraordinary caregivers – and terrifyingly neglectful ones as well. I am empathetic to a working parent’s (or SAHP with assistance) dilemma – I am sure it is hard to begin building a bond of trust with your new caregiver. But, guess what? It is hard for us too! That’s why I strongly prefer taking a position where there is some sort of transition period. In my current job, I worked with the nanny for my first week and the mother for my second. I got to watch, first hand, how they both approached the daily routine and began to slowly integrate myself into the lives on my charges. I also was able to ask questions, field constructive criticism, and get a feel for what the position would be like. The mother – and former nanny – also got to see me in my element, interacting with her children and helping with the household. You never know until you ask – and the same goes for your nanny. If Jimmy wakes up everyday from his nap, screamingly hungry or you never, ever let the children drink juice – even though your fridge is filled with it, I need to know these things! When starting a new nanny position, not only do you have to deal with strong personalities and getting to know a new set of rules, you are faced with the subtleties and difficulties of working in a private home – and it isn’t easy! The more I know about you and your wishes and your routine, the better I can implement them!

These five basic principles helped me to land my dream job. I’d love to hear from other nannies on how they approach the interview process and hope that my experience can be of use to someone, someday!

*If you are a nanny or nanny employer and would like to share your personal experience or advice, please do. You choose whether to reveal your name or write anonymously. Contact Jane for more information.

By Nanny Megan
Different Types of Nannies

*Let me just begin by saying that this post is in no way meant to insult people. It is meant to be funny. I would love to hear what nanny you think you may be. Are you a combination? Parents, what nanny is most like yours?

*Would love to hear if there is one you think I missed.

1. The Money Hungry Nanny

This is the Nanny who see their job as a weekly paycheck. They only get as involved as they have to to make the money. They don’t feel the need to go above and beyond.

2. The Can’t Say No Nanny

This is the Nanny who lets their charge(s) do whatever they want. They are afraid to say no because they don’t want to deal with temper tantrums and/or the sour attitudes. Also referred to as the Yes Nanny.

3. The Crunchy Nanny

This Nanny is all about implementing eco-friendly habits. They are strong advocates of attachment parenting, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, homebirth, natural birth, child led weaning, cloth diapers, baby wearing, organic/whole/local food, sustainable living, homeschooling, no vaccination, informed vaccination, natural remedies, alternative medicine...you get the idea.

4. The Lazy Nanny

This is the sit on your ass all day nanny. They can often be seen hanging out on the outskirts of any given activity. They rarely get involved, and quite often can be caught on their phones. He/she only gets up when they absolutely have to.

5. The Cruise Director Nanny

This is the Nanny who is constantly coming up with new activities. They tend to try something new each day. His/her charges sometimes get overwhelmed with these busy schedules. They also make sure that everyone’s needs are met and that everyone remains calm and happy.

6.The OCD Nanny

This is the “EVERYTHING. MUST. GO. ACCORDING. TO. PLAN.” Nanny. This Nanny becomes easily stressed out when the daily schedule goes off course.

7. The Different Language Nanny

This is the Nanny who has a language barrier with the family she works for. This can sometimes be a good thing, because the children are exposed to different cultures and get they opportunity to pick up another language. Yet, this can sometimes can be difficult because the children may not always understand the nanny and vice versa.

8. The TV Nanny

This is the Nanny who lets the TV do her job for her. Enough said.

9. The Tidy Nanny

This is the nanny who feels that messes should not be made. Everything must stay clean. Including the house, the children, and the nanny.

10. The Surrogate Mom Nanny

This is the nanny who does everything a mom would. They work long hours, they prepare all meals. They put the children to bed and sometimes even wake them up in the morning. They have a very strong bond with the children, and sometimes are mistakenly called mom.

Seeking Alternative Discipline Methods?

by Nanny Deb
I have a few things I’ve tried over the years that succeeded nicely when I was at my wits end and didn’t have spanking as an option. Of course, the following may or may not work on the kids you care for, so try these at your own risk…

Young M., aged 4, had serious issues when it came to staying out of the street in front of her house. She would dash into the street, risking life and limb, when a ball rolled into the road, or when she saw someone to talk to across the street, or when she felt like investigating the “sparklies” she saw in the blacktop. Her parents were frustrated, and had told me any thoughts I had would be terrific.

Simple explanations of danger didn’t stop her. Strict voices and “nanny eyes” didn’t stop her. Yelling seemed to make her run faster, and keeping her on a long leash was kind of impractical overall. So what to do to keep my darling heedless charge from being flattened like a pancake by the teens who sped through the suburb going 45 mph or more in a 25 mph zone?

One day, after 3 darts into the road and 1 near miss, I took a few deep breaths, made sure my voice was calm, and told her to get one of her favorite toys from the house and bring it to me. When she returned with a large plastic horse, I told her she was going to get to see what happened when a car ran over something smaller than the car.

I strapped her and her older brother into their boosters, backed my car out of the driveway, and then got out and placed that plastic horse directly in the path of my right front tire. I got in, and said, “When I stop the car, you can get out and go get your horse. Remember, the horse will have been hit by my car…”

Vroom. CRUNCH. Coast and brake. Car off, M. and big brother hop out, and seek out the horse. M. sees her plastic horse, and she looks horrified for a moment before wailing, “It’s BROKEN!”

My response? “Yep. That’s what will happen to you if you keep running out in the street and a car hits you.”

There was a bit more wailing, some comforting hugs, and, best of all, a complete cure for the heedless dashes into potential death. The only downside was that big bother kept asking me to “kill” his toys for about a week.

My employers were a bit taken aback, but they said if crushing a toy kept their kid in one piece they were fine with my methods.

Next time, we’ll discuss the basic cure for pooping in underwear rather than a potty!

Nanny Deb
Professional Nanny and Postpartum Doula
Member of: CAPPA, INA, NANC, PNA, MAN
Blogging at: http://talesfromthenannyhood.blogspot.com/

The Nannying Pre-school Teacher

By Nanny Megan
As a nanny, I have become obsessed with reading parenting books, preschool curriculum books, and any other book that is baby/child/toddler related. I have taken numerous amounts of Child Development classes, and I just can’t get enough of the stuff. It’s amazing that after reading so many books and taking all of these classes, that I still find something new to absorb from each lesson.

I wanted to share a couple of books that I use as a nanny for a 20 month old toddler on a daily basis. I try to make everything we do a learning experience. That includes outings, activities, open play, arts and crafts, and reading time.

The first book is “The Toddler’s Busy Book”. It is written by Trish Kuffner, and is jam packed with a creative game and activity to keep your 1 ½ to 3 year old busy 365 days out of the year. The activities are split up by subject and the subjects include: Rainy Day Play, Kids in the Kitchen, Water Play, Outdoor Adventures, Out and About, Nursery Rhymes and Finger Plays, Early Learning Fun, Music and Movement, Arts and Crafts, and Birthdays and Holidays. It is one of the most helpful books I have ever used as a Nanny. A and I have done quite a few activities from this book, and he seems to have enjoyed every one of them. They are activities that are geared towards toddlers, and they have modifications to gear toward your toddler’s exact age. For example, it will give you the guidelines for a certain activity, and then it will give you some modifications if you have an older toddler and the same if you have a younger toddler.

The second and last book is called “Toddlers Together”. It is written by Cynthia Catlin. It is a complete planning guide for a toddler curriculum. It’s activities are set up similar to the curriculum you would find in a preschool class room. There are seven chapters that are split up by season. This book suggest you introduce a new “lesson” to the toddler every two weeks, and it gives you plenty of activities, crafts, and field trips that pertain to the lesson you are teaching. A and are about a quarter of the way through this book, and have loved about 75% of the activities. The only problem I have with this book is that it is a preschool book, meaning the activities are geared towards larger groups of children. I am constantly having to modify each lesson so that it can be a lesson taught to one or two kids at a time. All of the lessons encourage language development, use of fine and gross motor skills, development of social-emotional skills, and pre-reading/emergent literacy. Each lesson subject has multiple learning activities, songs and rhymes, arts and crafts, outdoor play, and field trips. Although this book has its pros and cons, I would recommend it to nannies of toddlers.

To all of you nannies out there:

Do you guys read books that seem to help you with your job?

Which ones?

What do you like about them.

If not, why?
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Please visit Megan's Blog at: http://minglingwithmegan.blogspot.com/

10 Red Flags Parents Should Watch for During a Nanny Interview

Submitted by Savannah Lee


Finding the right nanny for your family can be a challenge, and the interview is often one of the most telling interactions as to whether a nanny will be a good fit for your family or not. Here are 10 things to look for that might indicate the nanny candidate isn’t the right match for your family.

1. The nanny is more interested in what the job offers than in any details about your children. Of course the nanny should be interested in what the job offers. However, if that seems to be more important than learning about your children and what they’re like, what they enjoy doing, and what struggles they may be facing, there might be a problem.

2. The nanny speaks negatively or shares confidential information about a former or current employer. Not every employment relationship ends well. A candidate may have left a difficult situation and may be feeling angry, frustrated or hurt by what happened. However it’s unprofessional to complain or share private information about a past boss with a potential new boss. If she’ll act that way towards a former employer, how much confidence do you have she won’t act the same way towards you one day?

3. You don’t connect with the nanny’s personality. Getting the right nanny/family match can be tricky. Even if the candidate has all the qualifications you’re looking for, if you don’t connect with her on a personal level chances are it’s not going to be a successful, long-term match.

4. The nanny can’t answer questions about how she handles discipline. Most nanny candidates know the standard answers to discipline questions. However, if she’s not able to describe her discipline approach in detail, she may lack any real experience or expertise. Because how she handles discipline is such an important part of her job, she should be able to easily talk about what’s she’s done in the past, new ideas she has for handling problematic behavior, and how she tailors her approach to fit each individual child.

5. The nanny mentions a past job not listed on her resume. Sometimes, as people get comfortable in a conversation, they let their guard drop and mention something they didn’t intend to. If a nanny candidate casually mentions a past employer that she didn’t list on her resume that may speak directly to her level of honesty. Some nannies don’t list bad references and hope parents won’t notice. But if she’s not honest with you about her full work history, can you trust she’s telling the truth about other things?

6. A nanny job is clearly her second choice. A nanny doesn’t have to be a career nanny to be an excellent caregiver. She can aspire to be a teacher, writer, dancer, or anything else and still be a wonderful caregiver. However, it’s important that while she’s a nanny, she’s fully present and committed to doing a great job. A nanny with one foot out the door before she even starts won’t give your child the love and attention he deserves.

7. She doesn’t take an active interest in your children. The interview is the time to see the nanny interact with your child and see how your child reacts to the nanny. Just because there’s not an instant bond doesn’t mean she’s the wrong nanny for your family. However, if she doesn’t genuinely enjoy talking and playing with your child, it could be an indicator that she’s not a caregiver that’s going to really engage your child day after day.

8. She’s not happy with many of the details about the job. If you need a nanny to travel with your family and she has major reservations about being away from her own family during vacations, it’s probably not a good match. If she really values working independently and you’re a hands-on stay-at-home mom, it’s probably not a good match. You want a nanny who’s flexible but not one who’s sacrificing her needs to land your job. She will quickly grow unhappy and you’ll be back on the nanny hunt.

9. She doesn’t really want to work with the age group your child is heading into. Some nannies love working with babies but not toddlers. Others love working with preschoolers but not school aged kids. If the nanny you’re interviewing is in love with your child right now, but in a year your child will be at an age the nanny struggles with, it’s probably not a good long term solution. It’s always a good idea to find a nanny that can grow and change with your family.

10. Your older child doesn’t like her. If your child is actively involved in choosing the nanny and just doesn’t like the candidate you’re interviewing, it could mean there’s a real problem between them. Personality is an important element to both you and your child. Don’t eliminate a nanny simply because your child doesn’t immediately connect to her, but instead allow more time for the relationship to develop before hiring her.

By paying attention to these red flags during the interview, you can make sure you hire the nanny that’s the best match for your family.

The Kids are all right. Really.

Rebecca Nelson Lubin

I have a favorite family that I only see once or twice a year when they visit their Northern California home. For the past ten years I have been Nannying for them on weekends every June for their summer visit, and for the last few years, they come for the Christmas holidays as well. We have a great rapport, the parents and I, for the most part because I have total respect for the way they run their household. They abhor media exposure for their four children, and beyond the laptops that their kids do study programs on and to Skype friends and family (myself included), there is no exposure to speak of. No TV. No iPods. And definitely no social networking. Their oldest daughter, now a freshman in High School, has been trying to test the boundaries of these rules. Namely, she has wanted a Facebook page. Badly. Last August, after their visit, and many discussions of why her parents didn’t want her to socialize online, but rather pursue other forms of childhood entertainment such as reading and playing and artwork, I got a strange e-mail from Facebook telling me that “Don’t tell” wanted to add me as a friend. It didn’t take me long to figure out who “Don’t Tell” was, for even though she hadn’t put up a photo, her only other friend was one of my friends – the lovely young college student who was their main Nanny at home and had been travelling with them for several years. I clicked “ignore” and made a mental note to follow up later with her parents, because, as I wrote, they are completely against their young teenagers embarking on an online existence. Well, I got crazy busy at work that day, and had forgotten about the entire e-mail when my darling little “Don’t Tell” sent me a Skype message. I wrote her back and asked her directly about it, and she said that she had tried to secretly have a Facebook page, but had gotten busted in about ten minutes by her Dad, and had gotten a stern talking to and had learned her lesson.

There was more to the story, however. This Christmas, as the parents and I were catching up in the kitchen, I mentioned the Facebook fiasco to them and they said what really had bothered them was that it was their college aged Nanny who had set up – and encouraged – their daughter’s Facebook page. They were wounded that a long-term employee would go so blatantly against their wishes. They had felt that there was no choice but to let her go as they no longer trusted her with following the values that they had so strongly set up in their home. I agreed with their actions, as I’ve seen this before, this behavior of Nannies, where they think that they know better for their charges and go completely against the wishes of the parents.

I think the most extreme example of this would be the Nanny who preached veganism to her three-year-old charge – the middle child of my old nanny family I worked with when I still lived in New York – to the extent that the toddler was totally conflicted with every meal placed in front of her – for years.

As a Nanny, I always try to follow the example – and values – and household rules – of the parents. Even when I don’t agree. And there have been times when my ideals and the parent’s ideals totally clash, but I fall in line for I am the employee and they are the parents. I like to say that I have extremely definitive ideas on the proper raising of children. And someday – if and when I have my own children - I will follow those rules to the letter like my very own scientific experiment. And then we shall see how right I am really am. But for now, it’s the way of the parents or the highway. I do not choose the highway.
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Rebecca Nelson Lubin is a writer and Nanny who resides in the San Francisco Bay Area. You may read more of her articles at http://www.abandofwives.ning.com/