Touchy, Feely Father

I enjoyed the last post and my situation is similar in that, the most important thing to me is keeping my job. I would consider myself on the shy side. I am appropriately affectionate with the children I nanny for but not overly so with adults. The children's father is very touchy feely. If I am standing in front of him in the kitchen, he puts both hands on my shoulders. He touches my back, my shoulder, my forearm. It's not sexual. At least I think it's not sexual. Mostly, it's just uncomfortable. I don't know how he behaves with others but I do know that he touches his wife the same way, especially the from behind, both hands on each shoulder. He's not perverted or seedy, I'm just, well, like I said, uncomfortable. Do I grin and bear it?


nenanny said...

You always have the right to speak up when someone is touching you in a manner that makes you uncomfortable.

He has no reason to be touching you.

Speak up.

Kristen said...

^ Absolutely 100% agree.

With that said, if you do, bye-bye to your's the way the cookie crumbles.

savannah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nanny S said...

You don't need to "grin and bear it" if you don't like the way someone is touching you. If it were me, next time he did it, I would say something like, "Hey, I know you're just being yourself, but I really value physical boundaries and would appreciate if we could just keep our physical contact to a handshake. It's nothing personal against you, just one of my own quirks, thanks!"

If you can say it in front of his wife, even better.

MakeupAddictMissDee said...

It's awkward. Really it is. I work in a center, and I nanny for one of the families from my center on an as needed basis. Other teachers have said things about DB to me, regarding comments he has made about how a teacher is hot or whatever, yet he is nice to me and I have yet to see that side of him. Case in point, one of my co-workers works as a nanny for another family in the center; this family is expecting twins later this summer and my co-worker will be working for them two nights a week. Anyway, her MB and my DB work together, and her MB told her that my DB said something gross about my co-worker when she was pregnant. I cannot believe that my DB would say things like that, as I have yet to hear it from him. He pays me well, we get along great, and he is a really nice guy.

There was the day that he came to pick up the kids, and he walked in letting me know he got dumped and hugged me. I was stunned; he was upset because he really like this woman and she ended things with him. There is joke around my center that due to my monthly pedicures, waxes, every so often facials, out of town shopping trips, Ugg boots and Louis Vuittion bags, and make-up collection (I am a bit of beauty/makeup/nail polish junkie) that I have a sugar daddy. This is not true at all. I don't have kids, and I buy things on clearance, etc. My friend and co-worker E (she has a great sense of humor) told me that my DB could be my sugar daddy, because he hugged me. hahahahaha I love E's sense of humor.

When I left the center last May, I got a hug from one of the fathers. His son, then 5, wanted to marry me. I recently returned to the center a few months ago, and the same father gave me a hug when he saw me.

This can be uncomfortable, however, sometimes parents will show affection in the form of sarcastic humor with you or in my case, the stunning hug. lol If this makes you feel weird, and I can see why it would, politely tell DB how you feel and see if it stops. If not, keep your distance. Do speak up if the touching seems inappropriate.

Keep us posted....

♥ Amy Darling ♥ said...

I do not think it is appropriate for your Dad Boss to touch you. While it may not mean anything, if it bothers YOU than you should speak up.

I have had Dad Boss's give me hugs good-bye when I leave for good, and I am okay w/that since I take it as meaning I did a great job and will be missed.
If I was uncomfortable, however I would most definitely let him know...but I can tell they are being non~sexual.

HannyKoyun said...

Some men are just naturally like that. If it was a woman then it wouldn't even bother anyone...I think the way you've described it doesn't seem as if he is being way over the top or inappropriate with you and I bet he'd be really embarrassed and sorry if you ever mentioned that you felt uncomfortable. Does he do this infront of his wife? If he does then I wouldn't say anything or you may just end up jobless....

ericsmom said...


Your in the wrong. If she lost her job she could sue. Yeah thats right it could be interpreted as sexual harrassment. Do any other kind of positions have their bosses touching on their employees male or female? Imagine working at a bank or working at a hospital, or retail store and your boss putting his or her hands on you? I don't think so!

If you feel uncomfortable, then speak up. I feel as women we are born with built in warning bells. I think its a protection when we get that "funny" feeling. Don't ignore that "feeling", its for your protection.

HannyKoyun said...

Wow you guys are way over the top! She could not sue?! On what grounds? 'Sexual harassment'? Actually laughed out loud. And would she only be suing if she lost her job? As a way of getting back at her boss? Very mature. It's not like he's talking suggestively with her or showing signs of wanting to get her into bed! We're talking, them standing in the kitchen and him putting her hands on her shoulders, not her bum! If she felt really really uncomfortable she would have already left and wouldn't have to post it on here to find out the right answer. Her built in 'funny feeling' would have told her to leave if it really was that distressing

ericsmom said...

Yes alot of women don't listen to their inner feelings. That is when bad things usually happen. You hear stories of women who ignore that feeling, and wish they didn't.

It may start as him standing behind her, and putting his hands on her. He may be seeing how far she will let him go with that.

I agree if she feels uncomfortable she should get out of their. Or confront the boss on it. If he is a great guy and didn't mean anything, he won't take it personal. He will understand and apologize. Never do that again. If he gets offensive then he is in the wrong.

RBTC said...

the OP has many decisions to make, it will boil down to - is the situation tenable or untenable?

the Op could try -- keep her front to him at all times - back to the wall so to speak and back away from any touching - do a little texas two step - slide away, plan in her head - is he going to be near in a few minutes - go somewhere else

i have a feeling he will be relentless and specifically stalk her to get his feel

if that happens - she then needs to make a decision - to confront - or not? is being touched tenable or - untenable?

ex: i have had this issue happen with clients - one contractor was a religious Christian who very against any man touching her except her fiance - we told that to the manager who hugged her - he was not happy and bided his time and prevented her from a promotion

once - a client was using my staff's personal information to call my staff at home and ask them out - i brought him a copy of the california definition of sexual harrassment in the workplace - i thought i was helping my boss not get sued but my days were then (thankfully ) numbered

as a waitress a guy in the kitchen would sneak up behind me and painfully goose me when i was searching for silverware - i asked him to stop it, showing him a sharp knife saying i could cut myself, he bided his time and then got revenge on me snitching to management about a mistake i made in the workplace

so - yeah - the OP has every right to say her feelings about being touched but unfortunately and unfairly she may lose the job

and it is MY belief that she COULD possible sue - here is what she would need to do

start keeping a log daily about the touching - and her attempts to slip away, not be touched etc

then when she has say a 2-4 week log, then ---do exactly like the other poster said and blame it on a quirk ie " when you touch me it distracts my attention from the kids or what not " - absolutely do this in front of the mom so there is a witness

at that point if they fire you you may have a case

and also - once one of the posters on this site gave a piece of the best advice ever - ask for periodical letters of recommendation "for charity or church work " - then they cannot say you are fired for cause

sorry for the long post but this is an issue i have run into alot and it's very unfair

please keep us posted

RBTC said...

there is a legal aspect i forgot to make clear -- in any workplace ever where you are being dealt with in a way that makes you uncomfortable - if you wish to take action to stop it - you MUST address the person who is doing it directly and say " I am uncomfortable with A,B,C and i respectfully wish you to not do it "

otherwise - it will be taken that your approval of the the behavior is tacit