Monday

The Right Amount of Helpful

Advice on I Saw Your Nanny
I am not a nanny. I am a baby nurse. I am an LPN who had worked in a nursing home before getting hired by this agency where I get temp gigs working as a baby nurse, live -in, often 24 hours a day. I never had the desire to care for other people's children, but as a gig, it's pretty good. I highly recommend because the pay is top notch. I work with some families who treat me like a queen and others who treat me like a nanny. Neither, very bad. My inexperience with private families is what is confusing me. I am three days in to a new assignment (hold location) for a newborn. The mother is a stay at home mother, the father a financial person who grew up with nannies. My problem is the mother. She is younger than I am and from Texas. She has a different mentality and wants very much- well basically to do what I am doing for her child. Her husband has her feeling like she is incompetent. She asks me, "would it be okay if I gave the ten pm bottle?", "would you mind if did the bath?". It's not a money thing. She took the baby out with her to run errands for some car time, drive in dry cleaners and bank. When her husband came home, he started yelling at her for that, telling her she is exposing the child to danger and germs and etc and etc and etc. She had tears in her eyes. The father is out of the home from about 6 until 6 or 7 most nights. What I want to tell her is this, "I've been doing this ten months, I like doing it, I can do everything for your baby, every day or I can do only those things that you ask me to, he's your baby, you tell me how you want to do this and that is how OUR days will go". But my question is, am I saying too much? She knows I have picked up on stuff. I feel really odd because the biology of the situation is that everything I do would be better if it was being done bone the person who carried him in her womb for nine months. Of course, if I say that, I don't want to be like I am trying to guilt her in to doing my job. I really will do as much as she needs. Night times are busy for me because it becomes about the husband and his peace. I think she spends less time with her son in the evening because if he is fussy, she feels bad, as if it wouldn't happen with me. Do I say anything? Do anything? I am booked on this job "thru July, maybe longer." One other thing is that I do take one day off after 7 or two after ten and the father has told me not to discuss that with his wife, that he will inform her of my first break when he knows the name of 'my replacement'.

Dealing with a difficult scenario? Email isynblog@gmail.com.

8 comments:

former ct nanny said...

Interesting, but you won't win. You probably wont even be there in July. Is she a new wife? She hasn't been stepforded yet. Once properly Step-forded, thinking , feeling women will become cold and shallow. The sounds of their child's cooing and crying will make them angry, their child's sweet hands will always be too sticky too hold and... no you can't win.

RBTC said...

you are a very thinking person and you are doing your best - the dad is a pr&*, keep us posted on what happens

BKmommy said...

I agree. This is a no-win for you. The dynamics of this family would exist with or without you. This sounds like a very unhealthy situation. Honestly, I wouldn't say anything. The dad doesn't sound like the listening type and the mom doesn't sound like the type to make a stand for herself. If I understood this correctly, the baby is 10 months old and the mom asks you for permission to parent. Not a good situation and not one that you can change.

Nannette Lem said...

I did this for a year loved it but stopped. Regarding parents how bad of the father the issues run deeper than the baby talk to agency ask forcsupport

VA Nanny said...

I would absolutely say something to her. Just how you said it here. Let her know that you're there to make her life easier, whether that is doing everything, or stepping back and letting her bond with her child. Yes, it's a terrible family dynamic, and who knows, maybe the husband will just get mad at her again and nothing will change. But how great would it be if this woman, who sounds like she actually wants to parent her child, is able to gain some parenting skills and confidence in her abilities.

Manhattan Nanny said...

The father sounds dreadful, but there is nothing you can do about that. What you can do is help the mom to feel confident during the day when he isn't there. Assure her that you are there to provide help and support, not to prevent her from caring for and bonding with her baby. Encourage her to do baths and feedings if she wants to. Go over the log with her, and mention any little things about the baby you notice, how he responds to different soothing techniques, what temp. he likes the bottle, what you do to lull him to sleep. You want her to feel capable of caring for her baby when you are not there.

Rachel said...

@BKmommy I think OP said the baby is a newborn and OP has been a baby nurse for 10 months...

Rosemary Wells said...

I am certifying to be a Pospartum Doula. One of the differences between Baby Nurse, or Infant Care Specialists, and Doulas, is that you are there to support the mother in taking on mothering tasks. You might want to read about it, and incorporate Doula'ing practices with this mother. I would ignore the father, or ask the agency for a new gig. Good luck.