Thursday

Is Parent Being too Particular?

OPINION
I just recently hired a morning nanny to come in at 6:30 to make breakfast for the kids. They are 6, 5, and 3. I am a health nut and ask for her to make the same thing each day for the kids because I know they will eat it and it's healthy. It's eggs with ham and cheese and oatmeal. Fruit on the side. I asked that she doesn't use butter on the pan just cooking spray. They have to eat all their breakfast because they don't eat lunch until late and it's essential they eat a healthy and big breakfast (most important meal of the day!) They have until 7:10 to eat and then they need to get dressed. I don't want them eating in their school clothes. I asked that she always does my little girls hair. Makes sure they brush their teeth, wash their faces off and get sleep out of their eyes and comb the boys hair. Then they need to leave by 7:30, she uses my car to drive the kids to school. She drives 30 minutes to ODS school and then 45 minutes back to the younger kids school. I ask that she takes them in and drops them off to ensure they get there safely. Then she's done! She brings the car back to the house and she goes! She is done around 9:30 and we pay her 15 an hour.

I ask that she is dressed in at least jeans (no yoga pants) and her hair looks nice. I don't expect her to look like she spent 3 hours doing herself up in the morning, just that she did SOMETHING to herself! I am really big on table manners, so they need to talk without food in the mouth, say excuse me, yes ma'am, no ma'am ...never say yeaaaa or oh my god! or anything like that. I like for them to speak nicely and diplomatically. We don't scold them for having elbows on table just politely remind them. I like for the nanny to use positive reinforcement and avoid saying "no". I enforce this at home as well and I don't say flat out "no" to my kids either. I always positively explain everything to them instead of just saying NO!!! "No standing on the table" is "Please sit your bottom in your chair, the table isn't for standing" (that is a silly example, my kids don't stand on table lol) DH told me I'm too particular. I don't really see it. Yeah the breakfast thing may sound weird but isn't it easier on her to just make the same thing every morning? The kids know they HAVE to eat all of it. We don't put too much on their plate, they are not set up for failure. It isn't anything I don't do with my kids. I have another nanny in the afternoon that follows the rules and does fine. She's a wonderful nanny. Too particular? Am I not paying enough to be this particular? - Anonymous

49 comments:

Atlanta Nanny said...

This is odd. I would not be ok with my employer telling me what I can or cannot wear. Especially at 6:30 in the morning. As long as she isn't wearing something completely inappropriate, I would let that one go.
Your nanny has 1 hour to make a full breakfast, make sure 3 children eat every bite, dress them, brush their teeth, do their hair and get them into the car for a 45 minute drive to school? Not to mention that you expect her to do this with 3 children 6 and under for $15you per hour. In my opinion, you have struck gold in finding a nanny who will travel to your home at that hour, cook, feed and ready your children for school and then drive them that far in her vehicle while wearing pre-approved clothing for $15 per hour. Wow!

EastBay Nanny said...

*laughing* at above

I have similar thoughts. I'm really curious if OP has been successful with this routine? Are you really able to make it to school on time OP with all desires and needs met? I woul definitely need more time and your children do, too. So, this is the short of it: your nanny needs all the autonomy in the world in order to make everything happen smoothly. If the morning routine is so precisely important to you, perhaps you should consider changing your work schedule in order to be home for the get to school routine. If not an option, respect your nanny's professional judgment (or hire a nanny you can). Do you imagine your kids will have ham an cheese omelets forever? Does she wait until you change the menu next year before sharing her homemade muffin recipe? Do you ask her to text you a picture of their empty plates? Does "doing" your daughters hair require braids and bows and whistles? I don't know but somehow I get the feeling that she is not set up to succeed. And it sounds like you're not willing to have it any other way.

Give your nanny autonomy to adapt the routine, to add to it or suggest changes. And please please give her a raise. I would not consider this job for less than $25/hr. It's a very very big responsibility to get three kids to school on time day in and day out. And stressful on the road! She is ensuring the safety of your kids in a big way. Right?

Lighten Up Already said...

There's a difference between having a familiar routine that makes children feel secure, and being so rigid that they (and your poor nanny) may as well be robots.

Did you give her a whistle that blows three different tones, one for each child, so that she can summon them efficiently?

Do they have actual "play clothes" that they are allowed to get dirty and torn while they run around outdoors doing unstructured, spontaneous fun stuff, or is every moment of their day planned and orchestrated to the nth degree?

Good God, if you are THIS inflexible when they are still so young, I would dread taking a peek into their future a few years down the road.

Lighten up. I would HATE being a child growing up in your family.

katydid said...

So what is she doing that doesn't please you?

!5/hr is too low, and I hope she has use of your car for these trips and if not I hope she is being compensated for mileage.

As far as food goes, given your kids are so young it is likely they are allowd a mid morning snack of some sort at school, it's not likely they are starving for 4 hours.

While breakfast is important it isn't the best to have a heavy meal, perhaps a little more variety will encourage more enthusiatic eating. There are tons of books on healthy meals for kids.
Finally, I take issue with the clean your plate rule , cutting out a long rant I think it results in major food and eating issues down the road.
By forcing them to finish you are ignoring that they have varying degress of hunger.
Also it's nice to given an explanation when you can, but no is a an actual response. It would be good for your kids to learn this before they get thei first job and think their boss owes them an explanation for every request and decision.

Village said...

Color me blind, but I don't see a problem, except the low pay. As long as the sitter is using the employer's car, then $20-$25 an hour is more in the ball park. This is not a nanny. This is a busy baby sitter, and she deserves short term baby sitter wages. If she is using her car, IRS reimbursement rates apply, which I think is $.55 a mile.

I don't see a problem with the same breakfast. I grew up with a nitritionist parent, and heavy protein in the morning is essential, particularly before school. I had the same weekday breakfast throughout childhood, and I never had trouble concentrating, or making good grades. I wonder about cleaning the plate. If the food is good, children know when they are full. I always cleaned my plate. I love a full English breakfast.

Lyn said...

-You need to bump up your wages. These positions (since they monopolize a Nannies morning and prevent her from working a Nanny job with typical hours) typically pay $20-25 an hour. So if you are going to be this particular you must up your morning care budget.

-It's 6:30 AM and she is hustling around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to make breakfast, get kids dressed, do their hair and clean up before rushing everyone out the door to drive for 45 minutes. Why can she not wear yoga pants for these activities? If you want to set a dress code for your Nanny, that's on you and you will find one who will agree to it. But you are going to go through a LOT of childcare providers with all of your eccentricities. So why not let just this one slide?

-If I were you I would also start the position at 6 instead of 6:30. There is a lot going on in that house and you are more prone to errors with the 1 hour time constraint. If you add those extra 30 minutes whatever Nanny you decide on will be able to to clean the breakfast things "just" how you like them, and have those extra couple of minutes to go searching for the "right" hairbows. Seriously, those 30 minutes will probably make her feel more at ease with how much time she has to be able to complete everything you want of her.

Good luck OP.

food lover said...

I don't like that you are essentially making her force feed your kids. What if a kid just isn't as hungry that day? That isn't fair to her or your kids to have such strict food rules. I sure hope you allow her to sit down and eat with the kids so it isn't as stiff and formal.

Who in their right mind wants to eat the same food day after day after day? That would get really old really fast. You could very easily have food guidelines that simply request each food group at every meal. Give your poor kids some variety. I bet they have the same exact lunch everyday too. You should know that they are trading their apples to the kid with Cheetos. Guaranteed!

Come on. Loosen up!

MissMannah said...

For the most part, I think you sound ok. However, I would not work for someone who told me how to dress or fix my hair. You really need to ask yourself why you even care. Is it because she's going to the children's school and you see her as representative of you?

Also, I think you should break out of the food routine, maybe give nanny some freedom with it. She can't cook the kids unhealthy foods if you don't keep it in the house. I used to have a MB who wanted me to cook plain noodles and chicken nuggets every single day for lunch because "that's all he will eat." Well I started cooking him healthier options and he ate it all up, I just didn't tell MB. I don't want your nanny to start doing that to you.

Wednesday said...

I think its ok to eat the same breakfast every week but not everyday. Why not a different breakfast every morning but the same day every week? I'd think getting the same thing for breakfast everyday it would start to taste like sawdust

When I was in school on Mondays we got pancakes or French toast, Tuesday was similar to your menu, Wednesday was cereal or oatmeal, Thursday was toast or bagels then Friday mom would make biscuit breakfast sandwiches. Oh yeah and my mom was a high school teacher. She would whip everything up the night before and we would help.

We were always full and focused and at lunch at 12:30pm we were hungry but not starving. Your breakfast is hearty and full of nutrients but there is whole grain bread and batters for pancakes.

op sounds really militant

Lyn said...

@Wednesday, who trades cheetos for an apple?! Kids these days. No value behind anything. ;)

NannyK said...

OP, do you have food issues?

This ridiculous planned, eat everything, exactly the same breakfast is going to create food issues for your children.

Let your nanny wear yoga pants, chill out.

Caring Mom All Day said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Magen said...

You sound very judgmental. There is no good reason that your babysitter needs a dress code at 6:30 in the morning. Especially when half her time she will be in the car. She should be making more than $45 for your expectations. You couldn't pay enough to be so particular. Relax. If her job is to get your kids together and to school, let her do it. It doesn't have to be so complicated. You're going to make everyone around you a nervous wreck. I'm sending your nanny some good vibes right now. She must really like your kids, or really need the little money you are giving her for her trouble.

Wednesday said...

I didn't say that lol pp-food lover- above me did. I thought the exact sane thing tho!

♥ Amy Darling ♥ said...

I say that Yes, you are very particular. It seems like you are a great micromanager and that you have a Type A personality.

I couldn't work for you, but perhaps there are some caregivers that could.
I have no problem following direction from my bosses, but it would stress me to have to do everything the way you like to. I would be stressing if my hair was done right or my clothes were suitable enough for you since it seems you care very much about appearances.

Been there said...

Sorry OP, I'm with NannyK. My mom was much like you, made us clean our plates, etc. But you even time it? I wish you wouldn't do that mom! I"ve had food issues my whole life because of my childhood. Its been an awful struggle. Please stop. Feeding them healthy food is fine, but let them experiment a little, don't make them clean their plates, and don't put a time limit on it.

Manhattan Nanny said...

Some of the moms at my charges tt private show up at morning drop off dressed to go straight to the gym or for a run in the park. OP would be horrified!

Melanie Raye Castor said...

I would personally struggle to work under these conditions. I am naturally quite a preppy dresser, so that wouldn't be an issue for me, but the time constraints, low pay, forcing the kids to clean their plates, and the regimented particularity of it all would soon burn me out.
My suggestions?
Start her job at 6am. This gives your nanny more time,so things aren't rushed. Less rushing equals less stress.
Bump up her pay to $20-25 an hour.
Compromise on the "cleaning your plate" thing.Your children know their own bodies. If they are generally eating well,I would not be concerned.
Learn to relax. And compliment your nanny often. Let her know she's doing a good job. A little encouragement can go a long way.

workingmom said...

I agree with Village; the only problem I see here is the low pay. Give this nanny/short-term sitter a raise. While her 'workday' is short, it is packed and stressful, and if she can get it done, she deserves to be compensated.

I also don't have a problem with what the OP says about dress code. I would like to point out here that many, many young people (teens - college-age) think it's completely fine to leave the house in pajamas or raggy sweat-type clothing. Many also do not see a need to shower or comb their hair. I suspect this might be the OP's objection to the nanny's morning appearance.

No matter how early one's job requires one to begin their day, they should make the effort to practice basic personal grooming beforehand and dress in CLOTHING . . . not something that looks slept in.

OP, you do NOT sound over-the-top; you sound like a well-organized mother of three who has covered specific perameters for good reasons. As long as you are willing to pay for the attention to detail that you want, I don't see a problem.

Birminghamsitter said...

-Using your car, that is very nice and understanding of you. I learned from a previous family I worked for, they did bought a new car for their 2 kids so they knew what type of car and in what conditions I was driving their two precious jewels.
-I would praise that you want your kids grow respecting others and having good manners.
However...
For everything I see she does, 15/hr and three kids is low. I am babysitting one child in Detroit area for one child and working 4 hours every day in the morning for the same amount your nanny earns. Honestly, consider all the requests you make, and the really nice effort the nanny makes for being at 6:30 AM at your home to help you out.
And last, I wonder why you have your rules about the nanny's dress code. Are the yoga pants too indecent or not suitable for a nanny morning job?
Does your afternoon nanny dress your kids, comb their hair, and drive them from school to home? Does she wear only jeans?
One more question, are the boys old enough to comb their hair? My previous boss told me she would like her son (who was 5 by then) to comb his hair and get dress by himself (I only had to select the outfits) -- in order for him to learn few tasks and responsibilities.
Life is too wonderful--- specially in the morning, so do not make it overwhelming! :)

Nanny cole said...

It is crucial for development that children hear the word "No."
Not only does it create boundaries that children do need and thrive with but it also teaches children to say "No!" To bullys at school, social predators conditioning children, and in the future: drugs, alcohol, etc. And they're children! Sometimes "No" is the only answer they need!
They need the word in their lives!!!

workingmom said...

I have to say, I don't appreciate the tone of some of the posters on this topic.

The nanny is not "helping the MB out" - she is hired for a service, and this MB has specific requests as to how she wants the service performed. A family member or neighbor would be examples of "helping out", but a hired employee should adhere to the directives of the job. If they don't like the job, they can work somewhere else.

Some jobs allow for a caregiver to use their own judgement more than others. This MB has a system that works to keep the family's lives running smoothly, and all she is asking is for the nanny/sitter to do HER best at HER job to maintain that.

I don't think the OP's requests are much different than wanting my house cleaned a specific way, or wanting my yard cut a specific way. As long as she is clear about what she wants and pays a fair wage, I do not see anything over-the-top in her example here.

I also don't appreciate telling the OP that she is too controlling or that her kids will need therapy. What happened to the rule not to bash the OP? Three kids IS a lot of work, and this MB seems appropriately involved in her children's health and well-being, all while working her own job, and maintaining a relationship with the DH. Go OP!!

I will agree with the posters that suggest it might also help for the nanny/sitter to come in a little earlier, to cut back some stress with the timing of the morning routine, but aside from that issue and the pay, I want the OP to know that she is otherwise NOT too particular. If the OP is unhappy with the nanny/sitter's performance, I suggest that the OP give the morning nanny/sitter a 30 probationary period (on notice, and with the increase in pay), and if she does not improve within that time, replace her.

melissa said...

I guess my question is this- is your morning nanny not following your guidelines? You weren't clear on that. You only mentioned that your afternoon nanny doesn't have a problem following the rules. The thing is, maybe you're a little strict about the clothing requirements. It is incredibly early in the morning- as long as she is clean looking (and clean) and is modestly dressed, it shouldn't be an issue. I also have to agree with above posters that the same breakfast day in and day out (and with a time requirement) isn't conducive to good eating habits when your children are older. I go through phases where I eat the same thing for breakfast every day (some kind of variation of oatmeal and Greek yogurt)- but it's just a phase. I get so sick of it that I'll gag. Then I know it's time for a change :) I also know that my appetite isnt the same every day. Some days I'm much hungrier than others. A pp mentioned setting up a weekly menu. I think that's a great idea. It allows for some variation. I also think it would be a great idea if you allowed your children in on the decision-making process. What would they like to eat? As long as it's easy and healthy, it should be allowed.

Caring Mom All Day said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
NannyPants said...

I think you've heard most of what my reasoning would be already...so I will just cut to the chase. Yes. You are being too particular.

Nanny of One said...

Dear OP,

I think that you are being too particular without a doubt. In the past I have worked for a mother whom like yourself had very strict standards. I referred to her as a micro manager.

Nanny Arrival Time:
I agree that 6:00 am is a better time for your Nanny to arrive at your residence. If there is not a lot to do (if you are preparing the food the night before) maybe she can take your family pet for a quick spin around the block or something.

Dress Code:
I know of many positions that require dress codes here in Toronto. It is very common, however, if you did not address your dress code requirement when you first hired your nanny that you simply cannot bring this up later on in the working relationship, unless you are open to her leaving this position.

Also, OP, please consider when you wake up at 6:00 am, would you like to put on Jeans? The material of jeans is very uncomfortable and I am sure that your Nanny would feel much better in tasteful yoga pants of good quality that do not display her private parts.

BREAKFAST
I agree with many other posters that your daily meal option is very limited and could become quite boring for your children. Due to the fact that it is apparent that you are an organized Mom, I would highly suggest perhaps outlining a meal plan. Maybe something like this:

Monday, Wednesday:
Fresh Fruit, Oatmeal, Yogurt.

Tuesday, Thursday:
Ham Omelet

Freedom Friday:
Kids Choice of the Week
- Breakfast smoothie
- Healthy pancakes with Fresh Fruit topping
- Etc.

Just a thought.

Wage:
The wage that you are offering for a nanny to come to your house that early in the morning, wear a dress code, perform many tasks in a small amount of time, drive in rush hour is too low at $15.00 hr (mind you, you never stated if this is CASH or declared income. That being said, on the low end I think that your Nanny needs to net $20.00 per hour to make this a worth while gig for herself, and also to give you some guarantee that she will stick around for the remainder of the school year.

Best of Luck!

Nanny of One


Future Nurse :) said...

Oh wow.

My mouth fell open about the dress code. First of all, I pretty much wear some variation of SPANDEX jog capris, tennis shoes, t-shirt, and jacket every day. My hair is pretty long, so its usually up in a bun. Why am I dressed like that? A because its super early, B because I work with kids!! I care so much more about being able to jump, run, giggle, tickle, roll, and just PLAY with the kids I keep than I do about how beautiful I look for that day. If I'm wearing nice clothes I want to look nice, so I'm not going to be playing and interacting with the children the way I usually would. Plus do you know how many nice shirts get ruined as a nanny? So if I were your nanny you would be able to see the cycling of my t-shirts, because again they might get ruined. That just blew my mind.

And this might be because I live in the hippy capital of the east coast, but I personally do not like having someone tell me how I can wear my hair. I have nice hair... when I want it to be nice. If I am exhausted from studying and skip my shower before bed (because it takes FOREVER to wash and dry long hair) and it looks moderately greasy the next day, I don't think its of concern to anyone but me. Again I think I'm in the minority on that one, I guess because I'm used to people never washing their hair or shaving, but I just DON'T think its your prerogative to dictate that to your nanny.

Nothing else through me for a loop as much as that, but I can tell you I probably wouldn't want to nanny for you. Its so much stress and pressure, even GREAT nannies feel that. I think you need to try to lighten up just a bit, just so you don't lose a great nanny. I agree with PPs, starting the job at 6 might make things easier for everyone. And getting rid of the dress code... I get where you are coming from, as corporate professions have dress codes, but wouldn't you rather your nanny feel comfortable rushing around and loving your children. She can't do that if she's concerned about keeping her pants from exposing her while she bends over, or worrying about the fact that her hair looks less than ideal. Just my opinion, because ultimately it matters MORE how she works with your kids than how she looks while she does it. :)

workingmom said...

OK, I just have to respond to Future Nurse's post.

The OP's nanny does NOT interact with the kids in the way that a full-time nanny would. This particular nanny's job is to get the kids fed, dressed, and off to school. There is no concern about comfort or exposure while running, jumping, playing, etc. with the children.

Having said that, SINCE this nanny's primary responsibility is to prepare the kids for their day, it makes sense that the OP would prefer a nanny who sets a good example of daily grooming and preparation to go to work, as opposed to someone who looks as if they just crawled out of bed! Children notice details like this, and I would not want to have the discussion with my child about why THEY have to be clean and neat and dressed appropriately every school day when their nanny doesn't.

The OP mentioned yoga pants; not everyone looks 'nice' in yoga pants, and not all yoga pants look nice. Many times contributors to this board have mentioned a 'nanny standard uniform' of t-shirt and khakis; I think this is all the OP is looking for here. She just wants her nanny to appear dressed, and ready for the day. It makes perfect sense to me. I don't think the OP is as concerned about how her nanny appears to the general public as she probably is about how the nanny appears to HER OWN CHILDREN. It is about setting standards and setting an example.

As far as the breakfast choice goes, the OP clearly stated that she wants her children served the menu she outlined because A. she knows it contains every nutritional thing they need, as well as B. she knows they will eat it! Kids can be picky. Kids like routine. If her kids want a change, I am sure they will tell the OP at some point, but for now, she knows this WORKS.

Look, mornings are tough for many, many people. And it's a fact of life that how you begin your morning sets the tone for the entire day. All the OP is trying to do (in my opinion) is implement a system to ensure that the morning runs smoothly (such as eating before dressing - great idea! I can't tell you how many times my own child spilled jelly or milk on his clothing and had to change at the last-minute before we left the house. It is disruptive and can make you feel rushed!) so that her children have a good beginning to their day.

You people are over-thinking this, and getting your undies in a bunch over 'personal choice' and 'control'. The fact is: this nanny's job is short and easy, as the OP already has a system worked out and just needs a proxy to carry it out because she cannot be there. All the OP wants is for the nanny to show up and execute the system with a professional attitude and appearance. As long as the terms are clear, and the OP pays a fair wage, I do not see anything objectionable here.

MissMannah said...

Working Mom said...

"mornings are tough for many, many people"

"this nanny's job is short and easy"

Hmm...something doesn't add up here.

RBTC said...

i see numerous ads all over for someone to come in for a few hours and get the kids to or from school. It's not easy getting someone to do something that stressful just for a few hours pay

if she is reasonably succeeding in good faith - count your blessings and do not lose her

workingmom said...

Miss Mannah:
"mornings are tough for many, many people"
I stand by this statement, especially when referring to kids. I haven't know a kid yet who happily jumps out of bed every morning to get ready and dressed for school.(with the exception of the eager kindergartner on their first day!)

I am a 'morning person', but I am also sensitive to the fact that many, many people are not. My own husband and child are not. Many people are not "awake" and fully functioning until 30 minutes or more after they have awakened. Organization and routine can be very helpful to assure mornings go smoothly - for everyone involved.

"this nanny's job is short and easy"
It is. The OP already has this family's morning routine laid out; all this nany has to do is execute it.

It should also go without saying that this nanny should BE a "morning person", or she should not have accepted the job. The OP should not have to accept lesser standards because the job is early in the morning. This nanny is tasked with the adult responsibility of preparing the OP's kids for their day; she should approach this task with the same attitude and diligence no matter what time of day it takes place. It's not ok for her to "Sleepwalk" through it, just because it's early morning. It's not ok for her to be sloppy just because it's early morning.

If the nanny is not a morning person, or the job does not fit well into her schedule, then she is not the right person for the job. The right person would be someone who IS an early riser, and understands the importance of beginning one's day on the right foot.

The wrong person is someone who thinks they are doing the OP a 'favor', incoveniencing themselves by getting up at that ungodly hour. The wrong person is someone who thinks their job is just to shuttle the kids to school.

In comparison to being a FT nanny for a fussy infant, this is a short and easy job. In comparison to being a nanny to a family of entitled, behavior-challenged children whose parents do not impose or enforce rules and standards, this is a short and easy job. Now don't twist my words again to imply that I think this nanny's job is any less important than those mentioned above, because I think this nanny's job IS very important.

My point is: I do not think the OP's requests or standards are too picky/too opressive/too much to ask - from the right person. (and for the right pay) And if her nanny feels that they are and does not want to adhere to them, they both might be happier with someone else in that job.

another nanny said...

OP- Of course it's your prerogative to set the standards for your children's care. I think that I, personally, would feel micromanaged in this situation. However, as long as you put everything on the table prior to hiring the nanny, I think it's fine to expect her to adhere to your guidelines. The one exception is the "clean your plate" rule for reasons already mentioned by pp's.
I agree with others who say to have the nanny start at 6 am, and increase the pay.

MissMannah said...

Working Mom, you seem to think that because the nanny has all the instructions, it should make her job easy. It is not "easy" though it is short. There's a lot of action packed into those couple of hours.

I did not see anyone imply that this nanny is not a "morning person" or that she is anything less than a stellar nanny (even OP said she is wonderful). I don't know where you got that from.

Mother Bear said...

Workingmom............


I don't doubt that your kids aren't morning people. But to assume that all kids aren't is just silly. My own children are morning people and I have no problems getting them up for school and pre-school. That's not to say we wouldn't have children who aren't so cheerful in the morning. But so far, the kids are morning people.

The kids I've nannied for in the AM would come down stairs, teeth already brushed and already dressed by 7:00AM and they're under 7 y/o.(moms request to have teeth brushed prior to eating) Since I'm healed and off of bedrest, I am up @ 5:00AM, I shower, press my clothing in the dryer & take the coffee my hubby made me out of thhe freezer and go downstairs to warm up the car & I'm off!! This is after several YEARS of staying up most of the night & sleeping in late. As long as you go to bed @ a decent time, its no different getting up @ 5AM than 10AM. That being said, I agree with Miss Mannah. Where did OP say this nanny isn't a morning person? I think every nanny (except one) agreed that OP was being too particular. Her husband also agrees and apparently the nanny does. But I wonder what the nanny is or isn't doing that caused her to write in? Nannies aren't hired to be clones of the parents. They're expected to be able to make at least some
decisions. I also take issue with the assumption that this is "easy." Done correctly, being responsible for someone elses child should have an undertone of seriousness. I would not describe transporting & caring for anyones child as "easy."

BrooklynMomma said...

OP, if you must have everything exactly as you outlined without any deviation, why not do it yourself? And I'm not asking to be snarky, but simply to point out that when we (parents) need assistance, we should be willing to accept that help without the expectation that the person is going to do it exactly as we would.

And I agree with PPs that the pay is too low and the start time is much too late. One hour to get all that done sounds stressful to me.

Mother Bear said...

I agree with Brooklyn. The things I'm so picky about, around my home, I always do myself. I like certain things done a certain way. So I wouldn't expect my husband to be my clone. Those things I do myself. Or, if he does them, its my job to accept that it will be done his way. When I've hired a nanny, I have instructions like what time to serve dinner. But what she serves and how and what the kids wear while eating, she gets to decide since she is the one doing it. Id be insulting her intelligence if I dictated every move she made. I think OP thinks she is smarter than everyone. She doesn't even trust her children to know when they are full. And what foods people crave are what vitamins they need. This mom is setting her kids up to be failures.

workingmom said...

I am NOT the OP, but I believe I can see her point of view from that of the parent and do not feel the she is being too picky about what she wants, although she could increase the pay a bit. That was her question. That is my opinion.

There's really no need to be combative just because you don't agree with me . . . and just because the majority of you (nannies!) agree with each other does not make your opinion "the right one" and mine "wrong". Mine is simply another perspective that I did not see posted, and thought should be, in support of the OP.

Calanna said...

If you're raising robots, you are not being too particular.

If you're raising human beings, you ARE being too particular.

Hope that answers the question of the post title. Your rigidity is scary. Life happens, it's often sloppy and less than perfect. Those who embrace that deal quite well with parenting; those who don't -- don't.

mother bear said...

I'm also a parent "working mom" and I was not combative. I'm also not the only parent who posts here. I do recall you saying our "panties were in a bunch" and therefore you haven't been exactly diplomatic. I seriously couldn't care less if you agreed with me or not. That's boring. Id rather hear from the OP. We still do not know what her nanny was doing to displease her to the point of writing in??? I start work @ 6AM and arrive freshly showered, in wrinkle free clean clothing, with my hair neatly parted & put up in a pony tail. I just wouldn't feel good about myself if I felt I didn't take the time to look presentable. I wonder if OPs nanny is rolling out of bed and going to work looking as such. I wouldn't agree with that.

nycmom said...

Mother Bear,

Circadian rhythms have been extensively studied. It is absolutely NOT true that 5am and 10am are the same to everyone once they adjust. People definitely have genetically different abilities to adjust their circadian rhythms for shift work, with some easily adjusting, but most having ongoing struggles with nontraditional sleep-wake cycles.

That said, I generally agree with Working Mom's views. I always say that if a Nanny or Nanny/Hker or Nanny/Personal Assistant, etc job is advertised honestly and the family sticks to that description, then any job is reasonable. This assumes of course, we are not talking about taking advantage of a person with mental retardation or some other issue which is being exploited. Accepting a lower wage than desired is not a limitation, it is a choice.

I think OP is a micromanager and paying too low. But, again, as long as she is honest about all this at hiring, and sticks to it, the nanny knows what she is accepting in the job. However, we have not actually heard any real complaints about said nanny so let's see how that changes things if we do hear any more details.

zzz said...

For everyone? All the time? In all situations? Always? Really? Also, starting work 6:30AM would not mean a non traditional sleep wake cycle.

You Sure You're Not the OP?...:) said...

Working Mom, keep in mind that this woman did come on here asking for advice...she has already been told by her husband that he believes her to be too particular. She either was expecting to hear most of us agree with her husband and hoping for advice on how to rectify the situation, or she was expecting more posts such as yours, patting her on the back. Yes, she is getting a lot of nanny opinions, but that may be just what she is looking for and I have a hard time believing very many nannies out there would disagree that she is being too particular and paying too low for all the job (which does not sound "easy" no matter how well organized) requires. Finally, I'm certainly not going to say I know for sure that you are the OP...I have no way to tell. BUT considering that we have yet to hear from the OP and that you are defending her passionately, with details to back up "her" actions that a stranger really couldn't know, you are either the OP or insanely empathetic...if you aren't the OP I am sure she appreciates your stance. Either way, you are entitled to your opinion but if you are indeed the OP you probably should avoid asking questions if you are going to be offended by the answers. :)

Candy64 said...

I am a seasoned parent, not a nanny. The job requirement that concerns me is ensuring that the kids consume all their food. Eating disorders are born in such environments.

howtogrowafollower.com said...

I feel bad for these small kids. I bet their fun is limited and dictated by their mother. These kids are not going to grow up to be tomorrows leaders, that's a given.

EastBay Nanny said...

howtogrow- with all due respect to OP (who no doubt works very hard to pull it all together), this does bring up differences in parenting/ teaching philosophies. Best practice child development around nutrition, self-help, autonomy, independence, fostering self-awareness and even thinking and social skills is to allow children to choose how much and what on their plate they want to eat. Kids don't have to be given a choice of foods all the time, but allowing them some decision making is a first start to a larger life picture to be able to transfer their choices onto bigger situations. Do we want a dependent or an independent thinker in our soon to be adults? It's a great segway, I think.

oh well said...

I would never ask a nanny to wear specific clothes or make her hair look nice, but to each their own.
However, the way you handle breakfast is appalling. Giving your kids the same food every day is the surest way to make them hate it. For all your health concerns, it does not even sound like a great choice - three different kinds of protein, really? I hope for their sake that your kids do not finish their plate every day, no matter how you may feel about their "failure". Please pick up a few parenting books at your local library or bookstore and expand your horizons. It is OK to be particular, however you seem rigid, which is far more dangerous.

Blah Blah said...

I'm a micromanager as an employer, I'm sure. I am delegating childcare tasks to my nanny, but I am still the parent and thus the one who ultimately makes the childcare decisions. But this mom seems misguided.

As others have pointed out, the same meal every single day doesn't create any enthusiasm about healthy eating. And eggs and pork, every day? That hardly sounds nutritious. There are better ways to have a balanced, protein-heavy meal, but with less fat and cholesterol. I personally allow my kids to choose what they want, from within a specified menu of healthy items, which include things like eggs with a side of turkey breast, oatmeal with berries, whole wheat pancakes with fresh berries, kashi cereal, etc. Further, why would you demand a child eat beyond their own hunger level? In doing so, you're teaching them not to trust their own bodies when it comes to their own satiety, and that's such a crucial component of healthy eating.

I don't think there is anything wrong with having a dress code, though if a particular nanny looked nice and well put together in yoga pants, I wouldn't have a problem with it. I do only hire nannies who present themselves professionally. When their particular job duties include playing in the dirt with kids, then of course the standards change. But coming to work smelling fresh and clean, wearing presentable clothes, and having neat hair is absolutely my expectation.

And finally, you are SERIOUSLY underpaying-- whether you're this particular or not. This job warrants at least $25/hour, though I'd be more inclined to pay a weekly salary-- probably $500/week.

Please Get Help said...

I feel very sorry for your nanny and your kids. You have not only created a miserable work environment for the nanny, but you are also creating life long food issues/eating disorders in your children! I don't mean to critisize, but I think you have some issues you need to work on. Please get some help before it's too late for your children.

anon nanny said...

This all great and applaud you . ONLY if you are the leading example of this. If you are not upholding the values you hold dear in yourself, others will not follow.

In Europe I was a live-in nanny with children who observed this behavior from birth and never deviated from it because they knew of no other way of doing things.

I loved it but it starts with you.