Possible Red Flags Nag at Nanny

I have been working for my family for a year, since day one of baby's life and have always had it "easy". Kids laundry, dishwasher, vacuum babies messes and run the occasionsal errand for baby food or diapers. MB and I have always had a wonderful relationship and can talk about anything. They are very flexible with my schedule as far as school and I stay late if they are really in a bind on nights that I'm available. I am well paid and reimbersed for everything.

About a month ago, I was making breakfast for baby when I noticed invites to her birthday party all written out and ready to go into envelopes. I figured I would get one as well. Her party is tomorrow and still no mention of it so I'm assuming I'm not invited. I know its natural to think "oh maybe its just family" but I have heard the neighbors talking about how they are all invited. And honestly my feelings are hurt. Also yesterday, MB comes home after an exhausting day (for me... they have 3 older kids as well and they were just having an off day) and demands I make brownies right away for a bake sale that happened today (it was already past my normal quitting time when she came home). This is EXTREMELY out of character for her. One last incident.... One of the older kids needed a pair of shoes for a recital. I was headed to that particular strip mall anyways so I said I would grab them. When I called to say the local store did not have them, I was sent 30 minutes away to get them. Honestly, I'm freaked out. These incidents are very out of character for her and the fact that I'm not invited to the birthday party of a child I've known since birth really bothers me. Are these red flags? I consider myself a seasoned nanny and often give advice on this site but right now I'm a bit worried. - Anonymous


missmary said...

I was reading a mommy board the other day, and one was asking about inviting the nanny to the birthday party. Everyone said not to, and that the nanny wouldn't want to go but would feel obligated. She may think this way as well and didn't want to burden you.
As for the other incidents, maybe she's just really stressed lately? My old mb would have days where she was full of Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent, and I'd feel like she was mad at me, but really work was fucked up or her husband pissed her off.
Don't stress! If this becomes a longtime pattern, bounce.

Susannah said...

To answer your question yes and no.

As pp mentioned she is proably under stress right now.

However who knows how long this stress will last. Can you deal with constantly being at the end of her sore finger?

Just a it of advice for the future, it's nice to pitch in and help families every now and then beyond your typical duties, but far to often these favors become expectations. Learn to say no.

As much as we love the kids we care for and ond with them and sometimes our bosses we can never fool ourselves into believing we are part of the family. Seldom is that the case.

Susannah said...

Kid irthdays are about the only function I attend.

It can be awkward though, a ton of people you don't know, and it's easy to become the built in kid entertainment.

LittleMiss said...

It's understandable for your feelings to be hurt. You mentioned that there were 3 other children, have you ever been invitited to any of their B-days? If not, it may be a pattern. The whole demanding you to make brownies thing was rude. If these recent incidents are out of character for her and they bother you, then mention it to her. Maybe, she's going through something or has a lot on her mind and plate. If you're really upset about the baby's b-day party then ask her about it to clear up any miscommuntication or doubts. She may have even forgoten to do the obvious.

OceanBlue said...

I wouldn't ring up not be invited to the party.

I totally get your disappointment, but it's never cool to go fishing for an invite IMO.

As for her rudeness and demands address that with her. Don't let her get away with that personal stress or not.

RBTC said...

charisma,uniqueness, nerve and talent - pricless

MacAttack said...

Sorry but she does not plan to invite you. Unfortunately some people do not have class. It's sad that she can not appreciate your love or importance to her family. Go ahead and get the baby a gift if you like and show that you have more class than her. You sound like an awesome nanny so keep your chin up. Her loss! said...

I hope you knew better than to make those brownies. I wouldn't respect you, if you don't have any boundries.

MissMannah said...

Not being invited to the party isn't that big a deal. Like others said, some nannies only go to the party out of obligation. I know whenever I'm invited to a kid's party, I always bring my husband along so I have at least one person to talk to.

However, the brownies and shoes are a bigger deal. I sure hope you said no (at least to making brownies) or else you're inviting her to start taking advantage of you. I'd say give it a few more weeks and if her attitude doesn't improve, start looking around for other jobs.

LittleMiss said...

Hi Mannah, I do the same with my hubby. I have someone to talk to and an excuse not to stay long. He's a good sport most of the time. He's put his foot down on extra babysitting which I can't blame him. What guy wants to spend a Friday or Saturday night babysitting. So, I'm cutting back. Anyway, I told him it's good practice for when we have our own, but he won't budge lol.

Dodged a bullet said...

Be relieved! With MB's attitude she'd probably make you work at the party. Consider yourself lucky!

Bethany said...

You know , as nice as it is to be invited to charges birthday parties, and I would be sad not to get an invite, it can be very awkward to attend a party with people you don't know well.

Especially if you don't have an SO or friend to attend with you.

Think about it other than your bosses the people you'll know best are the kids you care for.

It's also very easy to be roped into becoming the kid wrangler.

So as hurtful as it is it may be a blessing in disguise.

As for her behavior, it probably would have been best if you politely , but firmly told her no when she demanded the brownies and running around town.

It's probably harmeless and she was having an off day, but all too often off days become the norm.

If she keeps it up, or reacts badly when you decline a demand it's time to seek other employment. Hopefully it won't come to that.

Bethany said...

Just thought, do you think she might assume you know you're invited to the party?

I'm not saying you should just show up, but I know many people that only formally invite certain people, and those they are close too like the nanny they just assume know to come.

NannyK said...

I agree with Bethany. Perhaps she just assumed you would be there without thinking you might have wanted a formal invitation. This has happened to me before. Rather than bring up that awkward convo of "am I invited?" I just dropped a couple of hints like "the party sounds like fun, will you take a couple pictures for me so I can see how happy baby was on her special day?. Immediately MB was like "arent you going to be there? We couldnt have babys birthday without you. Im sorry, I just figured it was a given that you were invited.". I responded by saying "thank you, since I had not recieved an invitation, I figured it was family only, but I would love to be there."
After that, I always got an invite to the birthday parties. Lol
I also worked for a family who did not invite me to the parties, and it was pretty clear, so I never aoproached it. I was happy to take the next Monday and have a lil party for just us anyway.
So, if you feel left out, and want to go, casually bring it up, without sounding hurt you werent invited. Maybe it was just an oversight, and they really do want you there.

I ate ice cream 4 dinner said...

Enjoy sleeping in tomorrow b/c you are not missing much.

A+ Nanny said...

I am invited to kids birthday parties, BUT no past nannies are ever invited. This bothers me. One of their nannies has been with them 3yrs and is still in contact with them!! (Me, 2yrs.) So maybe it's not that uncommon. My feelings would be hurt, though. But as PP said, you would likely be put to work at the party. I'm sorry about this situation OP!! I bet on Monday MB says "we missed you at baby's first birthday party!!"

I think sometimes my MB doesn't want me around because she takes credit for everything. Not that it matters to me. I have heard her say "I looked everywhere for these shoes for her!" (when really, it was me!) I'm pretty sure some of her friends don't even know she has a nanny!

I do think what you've listed is red flags, but since they're uncommon, give it more time. My MB goes thru phases like this, typically when she's frustrated (sometimes even frustrated with me!!) It will pass, hopefully! Good luck!

I would still get baby a special bday gift specially from you, maybe even give it to her right in front of MB :)

EastBayNanny said...

A+ Nanny- that would be very hard for me personally. For mom to publicly take credit for my work? Does she also publicly take credit when things go awry? I could not be content with a pattern like that- there must be a lot that you like about your position to stay.

411? said...

So what happened?? Did you talk to MB about her tude or the party? Are you going or did you go? And the burning question: Say you did not make those brownies?

MissMannah said...

A+ Nanny, that sounds awful. I am lucky that my boss parents prize me. I will often hear MB on the phone talking to her (out of town) family members about how I've done such and such for them. Makes me feel good, but I would feel so unwanted if she took credit for my work.

EastBayNanny said...

Mannah- you so deserve to hear that- we all do! How nice :))

MissMannah said...

Thanks! She is super-nice and always remembers to tell me thank you at the end of the day. She even apologises to me when the baby has a rough day. LOL.

Agreed, everyone needs to hear some words of encouragement from time to time.