1) Long-term Nanny/Assistant Needed - (California) This is the 2nd time I have run an ad for a personal assistant. I mulled over how to best write this "help wanted" ad, and figured I could write it in a stuffy business type ad, but then I figured that wasn't really who I am. I figure the best way is to be myself and simply go over who I am, what its like to work with me, and then list out what it is I am looking for. I know its long, but I figure its best that you know exactly what I am looking for. So here goes. About Me: (what you should know) People always tell me that they have no time. I totally get it. I sort of feel the same way, and here is why. I have an amazing wife, 3 great kids (ages 3, 5 and 12), and a crippled dog who doesn't get enough attention lately. I spend most of my waking hours, working on my businesses. I currently own 3 retail businesses with 110 employees, a chiropractic office, am building 8 more chiropractic offices, and am managing the development of another 17 offices over the next 24 months. On top of that, I am also a real estate agent and a real estate investor. I am responsible for a ton of things including (HR, Payroll, advertising, legal, compliance, real estate development, company growth, projects, forecasting, etc.) I am an A type personality and love to get things done. I don't like to micro-manage. I like to tell someone what needs to be done, and then I wait for results. I don't like to have to baby people. This is not to say I don't train people. On the contrary, I like to make sure that the job is done correctly. I typically go to bed around 2-3 am and I try to get up around 8-9am. Its easier for me to work late at nights, so the kids don't bother me. My wife is my right hand. In fact, she is my right and left hand. We work amazingly well together and have done so for the last 6-7 years. Right now, as we continue to grow our business, we decided its time for us to try to take small steps to having a more balanced life. Have someone be more involved with us on our day to day activities, to ease our load so that we can spend some more personal time together away from work and the kids once in a while. Currently, we work around 70-80 hours per week so it gets tough. Hmmm, what else. I am a self starter who has very specific goals in life. I believe in working hard and playing hard. I live a life with integrity, honesty and professionalism and I like to surround myself with people who share those traits. About You: You are a personable, outgoing, caring, organized, passionate person. You are available weekends and evenings. You are good with kids, good with people, and have excellent communication skills. You are willing to take on miscellaneous task for personal and family matters. You are extremely computer savvy. You are good with customer service, good with sales, good with problem solving. You have great common sense. You are completely emotionally available with no mental baggage. If I looked at the back seat of your car, it would be nice and neat and not filled with fast food bags. You believe in a healthy lifestyle, so you eat right and you exercise. You are looking to grow your career now, but maybe you aren't sure what you are looking to do yet, but you know you want to grow and learn. You LOVE to learn new things and love new challenges. You really don't get flustered when you don't know how to do something, but are willing to ask the right questions. You have a great sense of responsibility. You might REALLY want to go out to Vegas with your girl friends next weekend, but you haven't finished your reports, so respectfully decline the invitation. You live around South Orange County and can get to my house or to my offices within 25 mins ideally. You are willing to put in long hours and thrive on seeing progress. You are goal focused and want to have an amazing life and are willing to work hard to get it. Job Description: Your number one goal is to make my life easier. The easier my life becomes, the better you are at your job! I am looking for my assistant to help me in freeing up my time. That is your number one task. If I am able to get some free time to myself and with my wife, then you are starting to do a good job! At first, your first job will be to get to know my family and kids. My 2 youngest kids go to day care. Its about 1 mile away from where I live. The day care is opened from 7am to 6pm. We will need help with dropping the kids off to and picking them up from school. Helping get them settled in with dinner occasionally, picking up after the kids and keeping the house in order is important. Right now they are young, so they are learning to be organized. The better you are at getting them to listen to you and help you out, the easier this part of the job is going to be. We want the kids to get to know and like you like they would a big sister or aunt. This isnt a child care job, but we do want you to be so evolved with our family that if we need you to help babysitting for a night, or a weekend, or traveling with us, you would be up for it. My family is my number one priority and I need to know that you can take care of them as I would. You will need to be able to negotiate with a 3 year old and explain to her why he needs to wear her jacket. Change a diaper? Check! Getting snacks for the kids, playing with them, or getting them ready for bed will probably be tasks you are going to help us with. Next, you are going to assist me running my business. I am going to work with you and give you tasks that will include marketing, advertising, human resources, accounting, etc. You are going to learn a lot about running a business and what it takes to do so. As I said before, your job is to help me with everything that I do, and I wear a lot of hats. One day, you might be helping me organize reports, helping me make systems, doing quality checks at my spas, meeting with contractors, etc. Another day, you might be showing some clients of mine some houses, helping me deliver contracts, etc. You might get to know how work at my spas. You may head out with me and my family to Las Vegas to check out investment properties, or manage some of my properties. You are open for anything! What I am trying to quickly point out, is that there is no job that is too small or too big for you. You understand that being an assistant is basically being willing to do anything that I would normally have to do. Your job is trying to get things off of my plate, so that I can tend to larger projects. You are going to be working closely with my wife and I so its important that we get along well as well. If you say "that's not my job", that to me is basically saying "I quit". You have to be open to do anything I would do. Recent college grads with nanny-ing experience are encouraged to apply. Job Requirements (Not Negotiable) • Minimum of 4 years driving experience. Good driving record. • English Speaking, great communication skills, very motivated, and a quick learner • Willingness to learn/open minded/have a "can and will do" attitude. • Great with kids- Assist with personal and family activities • Extremely flexible schedule (nights weekends available) Also willing and able to travel. • Proficient in Microsoft Excel, Word • Must be detail oriented and with strong organizational skills • Must be able to work independently • Looking for long term growth and employment • Compensation: I hope that you are looking for a LONG term job. I am flexible with time. Some days, some evenings, some weekends. I am willing to work around a school schedule. In the beginning, you will be doing a bit of an internship. You will earn $12-$13.00/hour (Depends on Experience)
Submitted by H. Thank you!

2) Needing a live in nanny - (Oklahoma) we are looking for a live in nanny to help take care of our 2 month old little girl we are looking for someone in the age range of 21-35 our requirements would be non smoker drug free have a clean background valid drivers licesene own car with everything up to date and must have an ac that works must have or be willing to get certified for cpr/first aid must have atleast 3 references and be able to work when needed pay would be $50-$100 a week and free room and board we are looking for someone to help around the house run errands take our daughter to her appointments when needed and be able to start as soon as possible if interested please call 918 946 ****
Submitted by Porky Pig. Thank you!

3) Nanny Needed - (Arkansas) I am looking for a nanny for my 14-month-old twins. It will be three to four days a week. It is for a flat monthly rate of $1000 per month. You will be needed from approximately 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. on the days that you work. There will be at least one weekend day a month that you are needed. All three meals are provided the days that you are here and there will be a small gas stipend for times when you transport the kids in your car. You would be expected to feed and bathe the twins and do light housekeeping as far as picking up after the twins is concerned. You need to have a slightly flexible schedule and be fairly easy-going, along with physically able to get down in the floor and play with the twins, and take them on walks/outings. After October I will have more flexibility with my schedule, but am on a set schedule until then because of orientation. _____________________________________________________________
Submitted by N.M. Thank you!

4) Need full-time nanny/housekeeper/cook - (Houston) Looking for an all around girl to join our family we have four older children need someone to take them to activities and supervise them also keep the house clean and cook dinner for the family hours are from 7:30 to 6:30pm pay is from 300 to 350wk depends on experience and what you do for our family call 713-210-**** This is a live out job!
Submitted by Anonymous. Thank you!

5) I want a pianist/sitter - (NY) I've had some comical experiences with people who, in the words of triumph the insult dog, had alot of "misguided confidence" and if you are a good pianist, you play the piano well, other people think you do, and you've played for a long time. preferably, you don't loathe classical music. You may play well but it doesn't mean you can teach. I have very young kids 3 and 5, so it's more combo sitting/ doing piano if possible in doses. If you turn out to be good, I will give you the $15 even for one child. I usually pay $10-$13 for one child and $15 for both. It would really help if you had a seriousness about piano but otherwise a really playful upbeat disposition, you think on your toes, are flexible and really good about engaging attention. I have 2 kids, one is a wiz, astounding level of academics when he wants to do it but he has alot of issues sporadically, chief among them, speech delay and selective attention. My other son is what we call in yiddish "the macher." If you lose him, then you can't keep anyone. They both love music. my older son, i sang all the time when he was 2 and he would sing beautifully over speaking and of course now he stinks mainly because he doesn't care. My other son figured out some amazingly complex things on his own and makes up his own melodies, some naturally are better than others. But they both notably were able to identify classical music on a shuffle, now my older son tunes out but i know he could do it. I cant do it. they both have very very musical ears and thats already a good start for playing. My older son has an advantage over my younger despite being tough to reach sometimes, he's phenomenally adept at mapping and he was able to play a labelled piece on his own on his first attempt. Neither reads music but i think they could be taught now because they both read text and symbols very well. I am not looking for babyish music here nor am I looking for mendelssohn, but i value music and there are few things Id want more for my kids than for them to have the ability to achieve a deep joy from playing an instrument. And I think it's nothing short of truly great to have an area of learning that's tiered and complex and you can always go the extra step if you put the work in. I quit piano so I am a totally lame hypocrite but I never lost the appreciation. This is not for private lessons, its for a sitter whose willing to share piano. If it works out phenomenally and you are willing to prepare, we might be able to come to an alternate arrangement but this is really a gig for a sitter who just happens to play piano and its one tool in their toolbox for engaging kids. Drop a line and tell me about you.
Submitted by K. Thank you!


curious said...

The crazies are out this week!! LMAO!

MissMannah said...

Porky Pig, do you just troll around on multiple CLs looking for WTF? I skimmed over this list and saw one from my CL and was utterly confused for a minute because I didn't remember sending it in. Unless of course you really are from NE Oklahoma, which would be awesome.

gypsy said...

The first ad...omg. That guy is the very meaning of arrogant. All I heard while reading his monologue was(in Stuart from Mad TVs voice), "look what I can do!"

What's your point said...

What's the problem? A lot of people on here ENJOY these posts. So, it's not trolling. YouRe the one trolling for trouble. For no good reason. Back off.

Village said...

This maybe the best grouping of WTF yet. I like 5 or so at a time, rather than 30. My little mind can only take so much goodness at once.

#1 There is going to be no way to win. You will be run ragged, he's the Type A getting all the benefits of your hard work, and you will never be paid enough. If you have no life and nothing to do, and have a masochistic streak a mile wide, go for it.

# 2,3,4 Since they are paying squat I'm not going to do the math, but each appear to be paying about $5 an hour, and they want you to use your car. How special!

#5 This is such a stereotype, it's why they have stereotypes. If you loved Seinfeld, this could be the job for you. Personally, I couldn't bear the insufferable neurosis coupled with the myopic interspection that is never ending, or the ex Mr. Village. Trust me. They. Never. Stop. Talking. You think the ad is long and rambling? Try taking the job. Try. I dare you.

fairy dust said...

#1: no wonder he's advertised twice! Who the hell would take this crazy job?!


#5: another crazy parent trying to get a 2for1... piano teachers are expensive in NY and she's trying to hide it in the guise of needing a nanny? Yea, right!

yeahimanonANDwhat said...

I'm really over the CL-WTF where the only WTF is the rate. Bor-ing!

funny-you-should-mention-boring! said...

^I've spotted our resident troll.

. said...

You always have to throw some insult into your response. You're passive aggressive. I bet your poor little sis is annoyed by your controlling & aggressive behavior.

RBTC said...

" insufferable neurosis coupled with perrenial myopic interpection "

ha ha village - i am writing that one down

you know, i had a slight admiration for #1 for at least being very thorough about what he was looking for but $13 an hour for someone who is basically - himself - he will never find it

car-wash said...

#1 wants to clone himself because he is just that great. Not. He is obnoxious!! I wouldn't work for him if it were the last job on earth. I bet he will wind up sleeping with whoever he hires. I just have a feeling about that.

#2 $50-$100 a week for a live in? Is slavery alive & well?

#3 $1,000 is too low to be on call like that. You'd wind up making less than you could earn @ McDonalds.

#4 Clean & cook? That's not what a nanny does.

#5 She is cheap. $13 for one child in NYC? Hahaha She is cheap & can't afford real lessons. Its so obvious.

Anonymous said...

#1 reminds me of Jeff from that Bravo show, Flipping Out-- only WAAAYYYY more obnoxious, over-bearing, and boundary-smashing, and way less entertaining.

♥ Amy Darling ♥ said...

I think I will come back and read #1 after I pour myself a cup of coffee and make room on the couch....

knittynanny said...

I agree. Lately, all the ads that are wtf because of the rate all seem the same to me.

I don't even really read these posts anymore for that reason. Although the first and last were entertaining.

Manhattan Nanny said...

#1. Trying to get a nanny/PA/slave on the cheap by calling it an internship! Now that is a new one.

#5. This is hilarious! It sounds like the Cursing Mommy pieces in the New Yorker, without the f word.