Friday

Ulterior Motives?

OPINION
I can't figure out why my nanny would even inquire about this, I had to ask. I'm a medical professional, and I work at a teaching hospital. I do not inquire too much about my nanny's personal life. Whatever she wants to tell me, she does. She's been with us for a few months. Shy of 3. I guess she has a nanny friend who's parents insist she bring the baby to their work. They are second year residents. The Mom encourages lunch if they are near the hospital or on a whim will plan it. My nanny suggested maybe I should consider meeting up with them for lunch and I assume maybe I should stop by our place and meet them somewhere near. But she quickly clarified and stated, "No, I mean we come to you"! I didn't know what to say except tell her that it was a good idea and I had to think about it, figure our schedule. Then it dawned on me. Why would my nanny be so eager to meet me for lunch at MY job? I remember at some point when she started, she had mentioned how a friend of hers works where I work at, and it was a guy. I do not know if they have a history together but she seemed eager about him. She hasn't divulged anything else on him, it was in passing she mentioned this. I don't want to be rude, of course I want to see my child BUT is this request weird ? I could stop by for lunch but she insisted they come to me. Why would she want to be subjected to gross hospital food? - Confused MB

47 comments:

ClockStrikesOne said...

It sounds to me like she is eager to get out of the house. I hated staying home when my son was born, I would spend hours strolling at the mall. I needed to get out.

Maybe she does like this guy. And its always possible that he is the motivating factor. But you'll probably never know. I think the only way you'll gain some insight is to welcome her to lunch. See how she is acting. Is she keeps looking around or is acting strange. Either way, there is nothing wrong with this bevhavior. What woman wants to be alone?

Lyn said...

Interesting... I too wonder if it's just a desperation to get out of the house for bit, haha. See an adult for a few minutes occasionally during her day.
However, I would probably insist on meeting her at home for lunch and then suggesting she take the baby for a walk in a near by park or some thing like that. Just because I would be leery of possibly exposing an infant to hospital germs.
Please post more if you do decide to have her meet you for lunch. It's an interesting request and I'm curious about her behavior when there. :)

OP said...

She actually gets out of the house We encourage outings. She also joined a mommy and me group and also does see two friends with babies regularly. So I don't believe that's the reason. I would never expect her to stay bored inside all day or no adult interaction.

Flip1 said...

I have previously worked for people who want the nanny and children to come to their work. Child gets to see where mommy/daddy work and parents can let there peers meet there children.
Maybe she thought you would like that?
I wouldn't look at it as wanting to see her friend as if you ate there how is this possible?

knittynanny said...

I actually have the opposite situation. My mb has stated that she wants me to bring my charge to her work. The only issue is that even though I have lived in Chicago all my life, I can't figure my way around downtown, which is where she works. It would be so much fun for us though.

NannyPants said...

Agree with the others..she may just want to get out of the house!! I love going to visit MB at work with my charge for lunch and she loves it, too. Sure the food sucks but it's nice to be able to pop in and make her day! I'm sure your nanny has your feelings at heart and just wants to make you smile by dropping by. I wouldn't worry.

Dr. Juris said...

Agree with Lynn. I wouldn't bring a baby to a hospital--too many germs (plus OP is right--who WANTS to eat hospital cafeteria food!?!?!). If her request makes you uncomfortable, OP, I'd go with the exposure excuse.

StrawberryShortKakes said...

I don't see why it would be a problem. I also don't know why people are saying that a hospital has too many germs? Wasn't the baby just born in a hospital a few months ago?!

Maybe she is just looking for other things to do with the baby and figures it will be a little adventure. And so what if she is trying to "run into" her guy friend. Unless she is planning dates with him with your baby in tow, I don't think it's a big deal.

Bethany said...

I'm thinking she probably just wants out of the house.

Mommy groups can be great, but often times the mommies or other nannies are too snobby to have as friends.

She probably figures to get a 3 fer. you get to see baby, and she gets to chat with adults she likes.

If you really don't like the idea of her going just decline the offer.

OhhPlease said...

It seems as though you have your mind made up that she wants to see this guy friend. But I just wonder how she would see this guy if she having lunch with you?

Phoenix said...

she needs a reason to go to your work to check out this guy.

#1 if she goes there without telling you and she has your kid with her, she will feel that you are going to get angry. So its better for you to know she is coming

#2 if she does run into said stud muffin she can tell him that she is visiting you so she doesn't look like a stalker.

#3 she doesn't want to be weird and just pop on over to have a meal at a hospital with you because of the nanny/employer thing. Not only that is she sees said hunk of man meat she will be able to leave the table to talk to him. she will not be leaving her charge since you are there and she wouldn't be blowing you off so you would sit there in awkward disbelief about your nanny's behavior

to avoid an embarrasing sitch, just turn down her reuqest saying that are incredibly busy for the next few weeks abd maybe after the hectic schedule will simmer down you can approach the issue again. Also remind her that you feel it would be emotionally hard for your child to see you half way through the day in a strange place then taken away by the nanny while you are still in this strange place (acording to your kid?

Phoenix said...

oops #3

also she wouldn't be leaving you sitting there in awkward disbelief because this is an acquantance outing you will be distracted and not paying attention to what nanny is doing.

DontBiteYourFriends said...

Strawberry.......There are entire floors (if not a single one) filled with infants who are suffering from RSV. It lives on clothing & is highly contagious. Its just a cold for an adult, for an infant it can be deady. I was a nanny for a nurse who worked with kids who have RSV. My son caught it from her & nearly died. What I mean by nearly died is, while my son was being transferred to the hospital from a dr. Apt by an emergency transport team (not an ambulence) he went limp, turned gray and had to be stimulated back to normalcy. There are deadly germs in hospitols. They are filthy. Yes, babies are born there. That doesn't change any of the above. :(

Handynanny said...

Wow you're over thinking it. She wants out of the house... What fun is it for her if you come home? Not much at all.

Nashville Nanny said...

If she wanted out of the house, she would ask to take the kid out of the house. It's clear she wants to see the dude. Who the heck wants to eat lunch at a hospital?

Anonymous said...

Nannyinmanhattan said...

You did mention she has a friend who is also a nanny whose employer invites her for lunch with the baby...maybe she is just using that example for the three of you to spend time together...Or she could just be interested in seeing where you work and what you do... I honestly don't think the guy has anything to do with it. Why would she risk her credibility or her job t see a guy and worse, one in the same vicinity as you?~??!
Let her come out to the hospital and test the waters...you'll find out the motive quickly enough!

alex said...

I really don't think it has to do with him, i mean she could see him after work or another way if she wanted to. So I am thinking she may just have the idea from her friend or maybe just wants to help you out and make it more convenient for you. Either way, I wouldn't sweat it and maybe just try it out and then you can see for sure.

Phoenix said...

well in my opinion I would never eat lunch with my boss unless there were ulterior motives.

im just not buying it that she just wants to eat lunch. not only that bringing a kid to the hospital where there are germs is not too bright

GoStanford said...

When I worked, I liked my boss & would've gone to her work with the kids @ the hospital. It sounds like fun. And the food isn't always bad. Ever been to Stanford? The food is excellent!

Handynanny said...

My ex boss was a doctor and I enjoyed visiting her with her son at work. To think she is trying to see some guy is pretty silly. Of course she can go other places out of the house and probably does, but this is just one more place to visit, one less activity to conjure up. Sounds pretty normal to me. Way too much over thinking and pretty goofy idea, only a weirdo would do that to see a guy and weirdos shouldn't be left with children in the first place.

Truth Seeker said...

Perhaps she does want to see this guy friend of hers. Is she young? The reason I ask this is I can totally see myself doing this when I was younger. LOL.

Anyway, perhaps she is just bored and wants to do something different. It sounds harmless to me. Perhaps she sees how well it works for her nanny friend and she thought it would be a great idea for her as well. Maybe she doesn't want to burden you w/driving somewhere since she knows you are busy and she has more free time to commute where you are.

Regardless...I would just take it in stride.

Go w/your gut on this. If she does seem to have an ulterior motive, then all you have to do is tell her you insist on meeting them somewhere for lunch. If she hems and haws about it, I would say she is just too immature and you should find someone different.

workingmom said...

So what if she is interested in possibly seeing this guy while at your hospital? Why do you care?

Unless you would rather not have her fraternizing while on the job; if so, simply tell her this. Her personal life is to happen during her personal time off - otherwise you want her fully focused on your child while nannying. Plain and simple.

Otherwise, I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill, and worrying about teenage-drama-type of crap. MYOB.

OhhPlease said...

"well in my opinion I would never eat lunch with my boss unless there were ulterior motives." LOL. I don't know why but that cracked me up. What would your ulterior motives be Phoenix? I am just curious. I have lunch with my boss a lot. She meets up with the baby and I and we go out to lunch or grab lunch and head to a near by park. I make the suggestion a lot of the time because if she is free I assume she will want to see her child and I like my MB.

nannytothree said...

I don't see what the big deal is. Even if her male friend happens to be in the cafeteria at the same time, what's the worst that might happen? She might say "hi" and introduce him to you. If she were to leave you with the baby and run off with him, then that would be totally weird, but if that's the case, I'd rather find out now.

Logical Skeptic said...

Even with the added complication of the mysterious cute guy, I still can't really read this as anything but the nanny trying to do something nice for her MB and her charge. What working mom wouldn't love to see her kids for an hour or so during a workday once in a while? Obviously she got the idea from this other MB she knows.

Yes, hospitals are full of germs and the food is lousy, but maybe she didn't think it through completely, or was planning to bring takeout to eat in the hospital courtyard, or maybe Other MB's kids are older and more germ-resistant and this nanny didn't take that into account.
Yes, it's nice to get out of the house and see other adult humans, but she does that already.

If OP is really convinced that Nanny has ulterior motives, all she has to say is, "I hate the cafeteria food and there's been an outbreak of [insert horrible disease here] recently, so I don't feel comfortable bringing Baby into the hospital, AND there's a great sandwich place right around the corner. Let's meet there!". If Nanny balks, then maybe there was something up with Mysterious Guy, but I really think everyone's overthinking this by a lot. 'Specially you, Phoenix. It's really not that "emotionally hard" on a baby or kid to see their parent briefly and then go home again with a loving nanny. Unless the kid is going through a (totally normal) period of separation anxiety (in which case s/he'd cry when Mom left no matter where they were) an infant isn't going to care much about anything but seeing Mom and an older child will be fascinated by the new surroundings and people, whether in a hospital or a cafe.

Aries said...

She definitly wants to run into this guy. Very immature of her to bring her personal life into her and your work life. This is your job, if she wants to see this guy, she needs to do it on her own time.

Bethany said...

So what did you decide?

How did she react?

Ann said...

Inquiring minds want to know....

OP said...

Up date: So I listened to your advice and gave her a chance. I decided I wanted to introduce her to some of my colleagues and show off my child. They have heard stories and now it was a good time for them to get acquainted with a face. All was well up until my nanny mentioned how she had a friend who worked here as well. I was an ear shot of her at this point getting stuff ready. She then started asking all of these questions regarding how schedule for this profession works and if it was true if they have to have x amount of years of training. Turns out the guy is a surgical resident here. She seemed too eager when discussing him. I actually had to cut off the conversation so my poor colleague could go and actually take a break. As we made our way to the cafe, I noticed she seemed distracted. Then I figured out why, walking right past us ...you gussed it -the guy! But he was too focused on getting to x place to look around. He took the stairs and disappeared. I finally asked her, if he happened to be her ex or something. She had already opened her self up for this. You won't believe what she stated... she said they dated, and when asked how long. She said, two dates but we talked for a Month and a half! So she's still obsessed with a guy who has long gone forgotten about her, from what I'm sure of. She is stil acting like they are buddies and will hangout next Tuesday! I mean come on! This happened months before she even worked with us, I doubt he remembers her and I'm certain he does not care for her in any way. So as soon as I had the chance to redirect our conversation. You bet I did. Lunch was not too bad-once I focused on enjoying the time I had with my DS and not this crap. I think at first she seemed illusioned but I quickly ended whatever more she had to say about him or anything unless it was abou how my DS was doing. Not sure I will have lunch again with her anytime soon-here at least. It was good seeing my child. But I think I should plan on going to them??? I don't want this guy to be a constant distraction and I'm afraid it might be. Unless I nip it in the bud. But I do not want to humiliate her and ask her to stop. So should I give her another chance and if she brings him up, should I say something or just make it clear, I will meet them out from now on? At this point I want to do what is best for my DS but I do not want to make it difficult for everyone and I, of course don't want to hurt the nanny's feelings. I still believe had an ulterior motive and to me, it was proven and it almost makes me angry she could use my child like that. But I know she loves him and am trying. To believe it was a lapse in judgment. She has been amazing with him and I'd like to think she is not this dense or crude.

leftcoastmama said...

So he's the one that got away...
I can't bring myself to be to upset with her. But that's the hopeless romantic in me.

She thought she had a second chance.

She probably thought she had a two for ond deal you seeing your baby and she hoping she might bump into this guy.

I bet you he broke things off with her telling her he didn't have time because of his studies.

Just suggest meeting at another location.


You sound as dramatic as your nanny. I'm sure you'd love to get out of the hospital anyway. Perhaps you can meet at a place near a park so you can play as well.

Your nanny should get the idea you aren't comfortable with playing matchmaker.

If not you can tell her you'r rather keep her personal life seperate from work.

There is no need for you to tell her he is not interested in her. That makes you sound like a petty school girl.

OP said...

How am I petty ? Because I choose to be upset because someone used MY child for their own benefit or tried?!!! Have someone do that to YOUR child, and see if you don't feel similar. Petty? No. Over protective -yes! If could read without skipping through, you would see that I *clearly* state I do NOT want to hurt her feelings and but at the same time, I do not want to be bothered by this. Hence why I'm asking I here for advice!! Also, he is not the one that got away...they were not even in an official relationship. Two dates and you think he's the one that got away?! Get off cloud nine sweetly!!

OP said...

*sweety*

OceanBlue said...

If you could read, OP she gave you advice on what to do so as not to hurt your nanny's feelings.


Honestly you don't sound like your upset about her "using" your child.

This reads like you are mmore upset that she likes the guy and that they had a relationship at one time.

You sound like my 15 year old sister gossiping with her friends about the "ugly girl" that the boy they have a crush on used to like.
Do you have a crush on him?

From this situation with your nanny and your attitude in this post it's clear to me you like drama.

Lyn said...

OP, you are getting flamed by most of the responses here and I don't understand why. I didn't think there was anything wrong with the way you worded your thoughts in the beginning or in your update.
Your Nanny sounds like she is a bit obsessed with "the one that got away". It's not that I am unsympathetic to her feelings but ex-date stalking should be reserved for facebook not when she is on the job.
I think it's great that in spite of your gut feeling about her intentions you gave her the benefit of the doubt and invited her to come to your place of work for lunch. Next time she suggests just make it clear in a polite way that you would rather meet for lunch at home or somewhere nearby.
I think you also made it very clear you don't wish to hurt your Nannies feelings when you gave your update. And like you sincerely wanted to avoid drama if possible. Not like you were enjoying this.

That said, I think her crush is weird but otherwise harmless. I wouldn't want her to continue coming to my place of work either. Especially if she has been talking dude up to your coworkers whom she has just met. Thats bizarre to me.

Bethany said...

Thanks for the update.

From here on out just cancel the lunch dates.

If you like the idea of meeting with your baby son during the day.

Tell you nanny you will meet her at whatever place of your choosing, not the hospital.

Unless she is totally dense she'll realize she isn't going to get any free flirting time.

Now, if she decides to hang out at the hosipital cafe on her own time. There's nothing for you to do about that except feel sorry for her because she's so pathetic.

I wouldn't fire her over this. As you said she's a good young nanny, and sometimes when you're young your feelings get the best of you.

Bethany said...

Now if she pushes you for a reason for not going to the hospital during lunch.

Tell her you were not comfortable with the way things unfolded the last time.

You can tell her you didn't feel it was appropriate for her to discuss her previous relationships with your coworkers, because it wasn't.

I would leave off about your observations that he wasn't into her. That will just make her defensive.
If she should show up at the hospital with your son after being told not to bring him that's a fireable offense in my opinion.

OP said...

You're the one who seems to like the drama. Fanisizing about how I might have a crush on a guy I don't even know! What's next? Work my way up to having an affair with him and accidentally let her catch us while at it? Come back to reality for a second. I don't care what they had. It saddens me and angers me she would use my CHILD for her own gain ! I don't care if she decides to have a unhealthy obsesstion or if she is a hospital groupie. But when she starts to mix work with pleasure, I care. LYN obviously gets why I'm upset and realizes I'm not out to get her!! Thanks Lyn!

OP said...

Fantasizing** Obsession**

Lyn said...

I don't understand how everyone of these posts turns into "mob vs OP". And I REALLY don't understand why OP then gives us an update (like we asked for) and decides to be bitchy back. Especially when any normal reader will just think less of OP for stooping to that level.
Sometimes I read these threads and wonder how any of us have jobs and function healthily in the "real world". Clearly, most of us "like the drama", even if it's just an online fix of it. Is it because it helps to regulate our attitude for the crazy day ahead of us? I'll be the first to admit it helps me get a release, haha.

OP said...

Thanks I plan to do just that :)! Also. I do not care for ignorant people. So yes I will speak my mind. If that is being dramatic, at least in your eyes-so be it ! :) Im confident in what I speak!

erica said...

OP,
Thank you for the update, I wish most would come back and do that for us but I'm thinking because some readers are kinda bitchy themselves, who the hell wants to be flamed?

You have EVERY right to feel the way you do! I would be super pissed if my nanny did what yours did, using my kid as a way to "get her foot in the door", so to speak.

I especially don't see how they're missing the numerous pats on the back you've given your nanny, but then again, some do prefer to just read between the lines.

As long as she's doing her job and doing it well, don't concern yourself with her non-existent, bordering on weirdly obsessive, love-life, lol. Your child is all that should matter.

Good luck.... to all 3 of you. (Four if I include that poor guy, I think he may be looking at one hell of a ride if she's truly this stuck on him!)

OceanBlue said...

What do you want?

You've been give numerous suggestions of how to handle this situation before and after the fact. Pick one and move on with your life

There's no mob. People just happen to think this is not the end of the world like OP does.

If you are that upset over the situation and feel so betrayed go talk to your nanny. Tell her how upset and embarrassed you are. Fire her if you want.

At this point you carrying on here is pointless.

Bethany said...

Who's ganging up on you?

That was not my intention.

I can see why you'd be upset with your nanny, but I'm also a fan of simple solutions.

To me the easiest solution is to stop the lunch time meetings. You tried it it didn't work. For sveral reasons.

I don't really think she needs another chance. She can pursue him on he own time.

You don't have to explain why you're cancelling them to your nanny.

If you want to you can talk to her about how you don't like how she mislead you and you didn't like her discussing her dating life with her coworkers. Anything else doesn't need to be said.

erica said...

Wow, some of the nannies here are the ones making this post dramatic. The OP is just defending herself and has every right to with the way a few of you are treating her.

It's posts like this that really bother me because they will keep OP's from ever coming back with updates.

You guys admit to liking the drama and know exactly how to push someone's buttons. Not nice.

leftcoastmama said...

Let me try and make this clearer for you as you are very upset and are having difficulty with comprehension.

1. There's nothing wrong with you being upset at you nanny's ulterior motives.

I'm a mom to , and I'd probably be upset too, especially if this was my first child.

I don't think there would be anything wrong with you speaking to your nanny about her behavior. However your post did read a little dramatic to me.

2. I do not think your nanny meant any harm in this situation. She sounds young and her fantasies of a reunion got the better of her. She failed to realize how you would feel about the situation , once you realized her visit to the hospital wasn't entirely about you getting to see your son.

3. You asked what you should do from here on out. I answered you. Do not have her back to the hospital for lunch. Since you like seeing your son midday, meet with her someplace away from the hospital. She can chase after this guy on her off hours. she can go to the hospital at off hours you can't control that.

4. You don't really need to discuss your reasons for changing the meetup place . If you want to you can lie and say you just want to get away from the hospital for a while or tell her the truth that you were not comfortable with her actions. As I said before here I wouldn't mention anything about the guy not liking her back ( something you observed according to your paragraph) because that would just come across as petty and school girlish.

Katie said...

Some folks in here need to pop a Midol and calm the eff down!

Yowza!

OP, I'm sorry that you were right. I actually thought she was probably just bored.


It sounds like you don't want to give her a lecture on her behavior, and I don't blame you. You have more important things to do.
I would just turn her down if she asks about lunch again. Hopefully she just won't show up at the hospital.

She sounds a little flaky so you might need to tell her not to stop by.

I don't think that is dramatic. I think that's very diplomatic given the circumstances.

If she pushes the issue or shows up after that during her time with your son. You have a bigger issue requiring more serious actions.
How weird is she. I can cut her a little slack for wanting to check up on the guy. I can understand her hoping to bump into him.

But talking to strangers about him? Especially strangers her boss works with? Nuh! Uh! That's just plain crazy clinger behavior.

princess said...

I still fail to see how any of this actually hurts your kid. I don't care if she hoped to run into some guy, she thought it would work for her since you work there. Who cares? Kills 2 birds like someone else said. I don't see the outrage over "using" your son.