Thursday

Attack of the Hot Lava Dog Vomit

GUEST COLUMNSubmitted by Sara Forrest 
saraforrest.blogspot.com
I am a nanny for a wonderful family with a dog. Oribi is an extremely sweet Labradoodle who loves playing, napping, going for walks, having her butt scratched, and fishing food droppings from the seat of the high chair. And also throws up sometimes. Attending to this, when necessary, has never been An Issue Of Monumental Proportions. Being a pet owner myself and, especially, a nanny, I am exceedingly accustomed to having to rid my surrounding area of vomitrocious disgusting crap, such as vomit, diarhhea, urine, snot, drool, unwanted bodily fluids. Today, however, did not bring with it An Ordinary Amount Of Bodily Fluids That Needed To Be Cleaned Off Of Wherever They Happened To Land. Today brought all that it could carry. And then some. 

I arrived this morning to learn that Oribi had recently vomited in one of the upstairs bedrooms - no big deal. A couple of hours later, while we were in the playroom, she threw up again. Whatevs, it happens - a little Pepto, Ginger Ale, and Saltines, and she'd be good as new. This, however, was not the case.

Fast forward several hours. The kids are upstairs napping, and I'm in the living room mindlessly entertaining myself and enjoying a break from the sound of my name. (You know the phrase, "that's my name, don't wear it out"? I'm relatively positive that some nanny, somewhere, coined it. And I'm pretty sure mine is actually worn out.) Anyway, there I was, completely engrossed in a magazine article on how to find the most flattering shoe for my toe shape, when Oribi wanders into the living room and steps onto the oriental rug. "Hi, Oribi", I say, and then reach my hand out, offering to scratch her butt. She takes one step toward me, and then stops in her tracks and starts heaving. At that moment, two thoughts enter my head. 1) I wouldn't have pegged myself as a pointy-toed shoe person, because my foot is already pretty narrow - maybe I should go back and read the first part of that article again to see if I misunderstood something. 2) Dog vomit + oriental rug = OHCRAP. I leap off the couch and rush to her side, gently but firmly trying to guide her off of the rug so that whatever comes up will land on the hard floor. After several seconds, I switched from Gentle Yet Firm to GETOFFTHISEFFINGRUGNOW (as much as could be done without hurting with her, at least) but she wasn't budging, and I sure as HEdoublehockeysticks wasn't strong enough to pick her up, so the situation seemed Inevitably Disastrous. As I stood there, trying to hear myself think over the sound of her dry heaving, it suddenly came to me - if I went to the kitchen and grabbed a paper plate, I could have her blow her cookies onto that and the rug could escape unharmed. Instantly, I took off toward the kitchen like a deranged cheetah swift-legged gazelle to apprehend the paper plate. With lightning speed, I fished it out of the cabinet and headed back towards the (potential) scene of the crime. The veryexactprecise second I darkened the doorway, clutching my green and white flowered Circle of Salvation, I saw the vomit drop onto the rug with a mocking "SLOP" sound. I stood there for a brief moment, looking back and forth between the plate and the vomit. Really? 

Oh well, no use crying over spilled barf - the deed had been done; I decided to quickly use the bathroom before I started cleaning it up. Upon exiting the restroom, I was greeted by Oribi and three more piles of vomit - one on the high chair mat and two on the kitchen floor. Sigh. But, it wasn't her fault, and I really did feel bad for her. I decided to clean the rug first. I went and got the cleaner out from under the kitchen sink and made my way back to the living room, carefully avoiding the gigantic piles of Hot Lava Dog Vomit. I got the excess off of the rug with a paper towel and went to spray the cleaner, but nothing would come out. I realized it was practically empty, but had seen another bottle next to it in the cabinet. I got up and made my way back through the kitchen, examining the bottle (aka: not looking at the floor) as I went. Suddenly, I felt something cold and mushy under my left foot. I was desperately hoping that I had been bitten by some radio-active gelatin during the night and was now involuntarily manifesting my new ability to shoot Jell-o out of my feet. This, however, was not the case. I looked down, and my worst fears were confirmed - I had dog vomit all over the bottom of my foot; chunks and all. After cleaning up my own vomit, I washed off my foot, the rug (it was fine, so, no worries), the mat, and the floor and, thank goodness, Oribi didn't throw up again after that. 

But, I still think it would be the shiz to be able to shoot Jell-o out of my feet.

14 comments:

Manhattan Nanny said...

Poor Oribi! Dogs vomit for a reason. Aren't your employers concerned? He needs to be checked out by the Vet. It sounds like he is eating food that is toxic to dogs (chocolate?), but it could be something even more serious, plus he may be dehydrated after all the vomiting.

Unknown said...

Okay, if Oribi checks out at the vet as okay, then he might be eating too fast! Dogs do that and then toss up later on. Get some Slow Down Feeder dog bowls from the pet store. These have a dome or other shape raised up in the center of the bowl. The dog eats around the shape, so he goes slower and doesn't get indigestion. It really does help the poor dog, since they don't know any better if they're fast eaters.

Sara said...

They took care of it. She kind of has a finicky stomache in general, and has been to the vet regarding it, so they are well-accustomed with what do to do. She hasn't thrown up since then though, so I guess she's feeling better.

Razzle Dazzle said...

Bhahaha, I loved this line:

"The veryexactprecise second I darkened the doorway, clutching my green and white flowered Circle of Salvation, I saw the vomit drop onto the rug with a mocking 'SLOP' sound."

Sorry you had to go through that (and so glad it wasn't me!). I can't handle vomit and such. Ack.

Sara said...

Unknown: Thanks for the bowl tip! I was also wondering if she might be eating too fast.

Razzle: Haha, thanks! It was definitely icky!

abbysmum said...

as a dog and cat mum, I am constantly hearing the a-huht of somebody gakking (in-bred shepherd sensitive to everything and stray rescued from a hole in a wall). I feel for you! And well know that cold and mushy feeling esp. at 3.am. I was laughing so hard reading this, thank you!

Sara said...

You are most welcome, thank YOU :)

Taleia said...

You're totally a better person than I am. I love my MB & DB and would do just about anything for them... but I don't think I could have handled this. Not in a "I'm too good to clean up dog vomit" way, but a "I'm vomiting myself so much I'm actually making the situation worse, not better" LOL! :)

ack! said...

You are an awesome writer! I felt like i was in the house witnessing this all go down first hand, and its funny to boot!

Your story reminds me of my own dog vomit story. My family and I had just moved into a new place and i convinced my husband to let me purchase this very expensive beautiful vintage micro-suede sectional sofa. We were gathered on the sofa watching TV when the dog sitting next to me starts the tell tale hacking. I try to shove her off the couch but she wont budge, almost instantly i hear it coming up, and to my own utter disbelief and disgust i find myself with my hands cupped together and actually CATCH the dog vomit. My husband runs from the room gagging and swearing. I want to gag just remembering it. All for the love of a sofa (i guess its the nanny in me)

gypsy said...

Sorry about the dog puking everywhere, how disgusting! I love pets but I am so glad I don't have any.

Sara said...

Taleia: You sound like my husband, I always have to deal with yucky stuff like that when it comes to our cats, because he will start gagging ;)

ack!: As completely gross as I'm sure that was, I so don't blame you for trying to protect your new couch! I recently bought a super-nice, gigantic shag rug for our living room, and I imagine I would be equally as protective of that if the situation demanded it.

Also, thank you for the compliment! I don't know if this was a story where you necessarily wanted to feel like you were right there with me, but I'm glad you enjoyed it ;) Feel free to check out my other blog posts at saraforrest.blogspot.com - they aren't all narratives, nor are they all about nannying, but you may enjoy them just the same.

gypsy: It was as disgusting as it sounded! I have two pets, and I wouldn't trade them for the world, but they can definitely be vomitrocious at times :)

NanonymouslyYours said...

Oh boy! I loved this post. Poor Orbi and poor you!

cat attacked said...

Oh man this made me laugh so hard. My cat was on my lap peacefully resting but when I laugh she turns into a demon posessed devil cat. I have no idea why, but I did have to finish reading your article with blood dripping from my hands and arms.

Sara said...

NY: Thanks!

cat attacked: Lol, oh no! So sorry!