For my fellow nannies who are not (for whatever reason) having children: Do you ever get sick of hearing your friends tell you how wonderful you are with kids and that you should reproduce/adopt/foster?? I'm a career nanny who has worked with kids since I was 12 (babysat, was a children's performer, and now nanny). I'm physically unable to have my own children, and honestly, even if I *could*, I wouldn't. I love being a nanny, but I also love the freedom that comes with not having kids. Hearing my friends harp on the kid thing really gets old, and makes me want to isolate myself from them. Am I the only person surrounded by babypushers??


No babies for me said...

This used to happen to and bother me a lot, but I'm 39 and more and more the "When are you guys having a baby?" is diminishing. The older you get they will back off, but until then be honest tell them exactly what you told you us, you can't and even if you could, you wouldn't. Explain that after taking care of children 10 hours a day your glad there's not any waiting at home, this has worked for me on the women that have insisted I should have a child of my own. I've also noticed the women that push don't seem to be as content with their own lives as the women who haven't made it an issue.

Bethany said...

Well, I do want children someday, hopefully everythin works out

But i think it's fine if someone doesn't want any.

I also think it's extremely rude for people to ask that question or hint. It's none of their business!

How rude!

My Eggs Are Not Your Concern said...

OP here... I'm 33 and have known since my very early 20's that I couldn't have kids. And had decided in my teens that I didn't want them. I married a man who is older than me, who had a vasectomy. How much clearer can I make it to the people in my life? My family doesn't pressure me at all. They aren't big on adoption or foster (very closed minded, I don't speak to 99% of them) anyway. My friends are the pushers. They all have kids, or had kids, or are having kids. They just can't wrap their heads around why I work with kids, but don't want them.

Bethany said...

Do your friends know about your situation?

Not that this is any of their business, but if they don't know they might not realize just how insensitive they are being.

If they don't know and you feel comfrotable sharing with them let them in.

Adele said...

I find it very rude when other people try to pry into other people's personal lives.

What goes on behind closed door is very private. I would NEVER ask someone when they were having kids. Why not? It's not my body or my business.

Just smile mischievously and say when you find out you are pregnant, they will be the first to know.


My Eggs Are Not Your Concer said...

OP again... @Bethany, yup. My friends and family all know that I can't have kids, and why. My friends have all kinds of nifty opinions on IVF, and surrogates, and every other option they think might magically change my mind. It's unreal how assinine people can be. I seriouly want to have a tshirt made that says "I prefer my eggs scrambled, not fertilized" because even if I *could* have kids, I wouldn't. And they know that too.

MissWi said...

HAPPENS CONSTANTLY. As a nanny, I feel like I've raised my kids.
Last year when I was about a month out from my wedding, my employer (at the time) told me that they thought it best to hire a second nanny because I would be getting married soon and my duties a wife would soon be more important to me. They also figured children would be in the picture soon as well. Idk if that was NICE of them given their view of the situation but point is I left.
Three months later i get a call from MB "sooo any big news?" I had no clue what she was referring to "are you exxxxpecting anything?"
A month ago (I've been married not even a year) same call, same question.
i've been called selfish for not wanting kids which is stupid because every DAY i give myself to three kids and granted I get paid but I think that counts for something.

A nanny who cares said...

I totally know what you are going through. I was at a bridal shower last month and the ladies acted as though I had killed a baby when I told them I wasn't going to have any children. They were HORRIFIED! I've been a nanny 11 years and I feel as though being a nanny has given me the experience of what parenthood is actually like. I love having my nights and weekends kid free! I physically cant have kids myself and kind of feel as though that is a sign meaning I shouldn't have them.

Kyle said...

Hahahahahaha....that was brilliant!!

I prefer my eggs scrambled...not fertilized!!!!!!



☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺

Kid-less nanny said...

I feel your pain!!! It's ridiculous!!! People, even strangers at the park, are always saying "just wait till you have kids of your own.. Blah blah blah." It's not their business! My MB argues with me weekly.. Yes argues!!! She says but you need to have your own, your so good with mine, just wait till the day I can tell you I told you so, I bet you have 3 or 4 kids, etc.
Yes I get tired of repeating myself over and over!!!! I'm young, 25, and I've never wanted kids!!!! I LOVE being around them and working with them, but like everyone else on here, I also love my freedom!! I have pets as children. Sometimes I tell people that haha!

Katydid said...

I feel your pain!

I've had to deal with similar comments at least once a week since I hit a certain age.

Here are some of my responses

1. I'm only good because I'm paid X/hr. Motherhood is for free so I know I won't be into it.

2. When I'm ready to give up my sexlife

3. My eggs don't respond well to pressure.

4. I don't know. Have you and hubby decided to call it quits? Or qhwn are you going to stop?

5. Whwn I decide to spare some for the queen.

6. Don't know when are you going to learn manners? Finish your degree( or other sore point)

7. As soon as you stop asking me.

I have told a select few that the matter is not open for discussion or comment, and if they choose to ask again they are choosing not to continue our relationship.

redrosebeetle said...

My favorite response is, "If you're not riding the rides, you don't need to know what's going on in the amusement park." Works great, especially if there are kids in earshot.

Lyn said...

I have been married for 2 years, I'm only 22 and I am constantly asked about plans for a baby. My mother in law has even bought me subscriptions to all of the baby magazines you can think of. Sigh.
I have PCOS have been told for years that it will be extremely difficult for me to maintain a pregnancy. I recently switched obgyn's and the newest one felt the need to give me the news all over again. Using the pharse "think of your uterus as swiss cheese" when going over the amount of scar tissue I have from cysts bursting over the years.
If I do get pregnant the natural way that's great! Little ones are always welcome into our family! However, we will not begin "trying" until early to mid 30's, as we have always wanted to adopt a child or 2 first. We already have most of our paperwork done to adopt from south korea in the next year and a half. :) I can't contain my excitement, which sucks because we are waiting until we are officially matched with a child to make our announcement to close friends and family. Sigh. Why do these things have to take so long?!
I wonder constantly if I'll be as good of a mom as I am a Nanny. .

And I absolutely get feeling like you've raised your kids already. I told my Husband that as soon as we are matched with a child I am taking a good break from being a Nanny so I can recoup for what is about to come when our daughter finally comes home to us!

Phoenix said...

It doesn't matter who you are, if you are a woman without children most other people will ask you why. It doesn't matter what they "know" or don't. They feel you should have kids in any way shape or form you can get them.

I have many responses to this and depending on my mood they can get one of the following...

1. I have a step-son so I don't need my own or anymore

2. I have many children, they are fuzzy and cute and don't require college tuition.

3. I hate children, get away from me.

4. I can't have children, thanks for reminding me

5. Can I give you the ones I have since you seem to like them?

6. I tried to steal one the other day but the mom came back

There are probably more that I've used. Most of the time its best to just agree and move on and don't take it personally

Phoenix said...

Oh yes. another thing I say

I love my husband. Why would I ruin that by having a child?

Phoenix said...

Oh yes this is the one that shuts them up

If you looked like me, would you?

This is a fun convo

I honestly didn't know there was that many people who didn't want kids. When I had my hysterectomy most of my friends thought my life was over, my doctor thought I was going to get depressed.

but I didn't give two hoots at all. I never wanted kids. I am not very maternal. I hate when things follow me around and want my attention. Its bad enough I have a husband who does it.

I don't know, it seems more and more people are opting out of it and the "breeders" are trying so hard to make other people get sucked into their prison life. I do have a step-son but he does go away to his moms house and I don't have really any "maternal" hold on him. he has a mom and I know that. I love him and take care of him but I'm not his mom so its not the same.

But even having a step child isn't enough. People want me to have a baby. I told one lady I didn't want to be on the news for dumping it in a trash can. She hasn't come near me since. The more I get bothered by it, the more cruel my responses are because honestly it is very rude.

Bethany said...

Congrat Lyn! I hope everything works out for you and your husband!

So exciting!

How did you get to start the process so early?

I though S. Korea was one of the countries you had to be 25 or 27 to start the process.

Lyn said...

Thanks Bethany!! We are thrilled! :)
Only one of the spouses has to be over 25 to start the paperwork for S.Korea. and thankfully we have already met all of the financial stipulations and and have no debt (another thing s.korea has become very strict about with their latest adoption reform).
We are moving from North Carolina to Dallas, TX next spring and will be buying our first home there. Our adoption agency is convinced this will be the final thing needed to ensure a prompt match!
I cannot wait to begin decorating her room. :)
In some ways I feel like I've been pregnant and waiting for her appearance for years. I am well aware that sounds crazy, haha.

Phoenix said...

Why did you choose to adopt from out of the country as opposed to an American baby?

Lyn said...

Good question Phoenix!
There are 2 main reasons:
the first being, statistically speaking, the majority of women in the US who place their children up for adoption drink or use drugs during the pregnancy. I of course wish this wasn't the case but more often then not it is. And coming from a family situation where I had to drop out of high school to provide round the clock care for my bedridden with Multiple Sclerosis mom and my autistic older brother I am not sure I can mentally handle the swollen odds of receiving a child who may need that type of care. And now as my father gets older I want him to be confident that my Husband and I will take my brother into our home and care/love him with everything he deserves when the time comes. We never want to put him "in a home".
But when adopting from South Korea or China the odds are much lower that your children will need that type of care because most birth parents are giving their daughters up because of a cultural preference to having sons paired with a birth cap of 1 child per family.

The second reason being:
I want my children, whether biological or not, to have a sense of where they came from and who that helps to shape them into. It's much easier for me to imagine taking the steps to ensure our daughter knows the language of her birth home and that she partakes in lessons that will help to answer some of the questions she is bound to have, than it is for me to imagine raising a child whose birth family may live just a few hours away and would be much better to suited to answer those questions than I would. I want my adopted children to feel love and support from us if the day comes that they want to find their birth mother and to help them in whatever way I can. But to think about a day when I may have to split my time with a child I haven't even held yet... It's just such a painful thought.
However, part of the reason we are so excited about buying a house and adopting our first little one is that we have also always wanted to foster parent. And if our fostering leads to domestic adoption, well, we would be thrilled. The thought is of course one that is very much so hoped for.
bottom line is, we love and pray for the children who will come into our lives as though we already have them. Adopted children grow IN their mothers heart, not under it. And we will walk down as many roads as we can to complete our family. :)

MissMannah said...

Congratulations Lyn! I hope you hear happy news soon after moving!

My husband and I know adoption is in our future--we are considering a domestic adoption but I would also like to adopt from India to honor my father's heritage. Right now we are trying to get pregnant but like you, I have PCOS and it is a real bitch. There's no nicer way to say it! I'm not much of a praying gal but for 5 months now I've been begging and praying for those little eggs to do something.

Getting back to the subject at hand--obviously I can't identify much with it because I don't share the OP's POV. However, I do know what it is like to be pressured to have children before you're ready. My mother has had a baby blanket knitted for me for over a year now! People were asking us pretty much as soon as we came back from our honeymoon when we were going to have kids!

Phoenix, I love your sarcastic answers you give people when they ask you that question. Hopefully that shuts them up.

Bethany said...

Lyn, doesn't sound crazy at all =)

I hope you get your house and your dream baby soon after.

I hope you and your husband get your dream baby too!

It always breaks my heart to know there are good people who have to wait so long and try so hard for a baby, while the worst people in the world can have a baby at the drop of a hat.

Just this last week there was a couple in my area arrested for beeating their newborn to death. Just isn't fair.

Lyn fan said...

Lyn - I absolutely ADORE you! Your the BEST poster on this blog!!! I hope all works out well for you and your hubby! :)

Lyn said...

Lyn fan, you just made my morning, haha. Thank you for your kind thoughts and words! :)

Phoenix said...

I do like the teaching them where they came from that is very honorable and I encourage that so much! Most people don't even tell their kids they are adopted and that is a shame. If that weren't the case my fucking evil grandmother would have not screwed up my dad because she told him lies about who his father was. Sad. We should all know our heritage.

Plus seriously Asian children are the cutest things I've ever seen. If I was going to adopt I would adopt from Asia.

I really hope that works out for you guys! Keep us posted

MissMannah said...

Thanks Bethany. It is so frustrating, sometimes it feels really good to rant about it. :) I know what you mean, some of these people I just want to ask "Why the hell did you have kids if you obviously did not want them?" A couple of them I've been tempted to ask if I could just adopt them.

fed up said...

Man there is seriously nothing I can't stand more than people saying how I should have kids, get married, and so on. As if the key to happiness, peace, and all fulfillment is to reproduce. No really. I don't want kids. Ever. Get over it.

And people who say you are selfish for not wanting kids can just go jog on. You know what is selfish? The way you have kids just to have kids, and how you feel the need to breed your vanity into another mini you who is just going to grow up and be the same shallow, vapid, person you are.

The fact is I love children and working as a nanny, and I love being in nephews lives, but that is it. I already knew I didn't want kids for some time now because I love to be able to travel when and where I please, grab a pint with friends, enjoy a dinner with my man without a kid puking, whining, crying, or rushing home to put them to bed so we can have our scheduled once every three months sex. If the planets are aligned and all that is.

I love my life, and I already have joy and happiness and don't need something that can depend on me so I can feel love because I can't love myself. No really. I don't want kids. Not now or ever. I hate when people say "oh that's what you say now but when you are X years old you will" well let's hope that when I am that age I am not the spinster you are making me out to be and I am getting plowed by my guy (who hopefully will be Gerry Butler) on a table top while your kids have grown up to hate you.

And besides, after seeing John Owen-Jones and Gerard Butler sing 'Point of No Return' in The Phantom of the Opera my eggs were fried into an omelet with Phantom/Erik's name on it.

Phoenix said...

I think a lot of it has to do with society. It is known that women should want to have children and if they don't then they are selfish. I agree that one shouldnt have kids because they "want" them. I want a lot of things but it takes work and I don't think many people are qualified to raise children. But my idea of monitored breeding isn't like by many. I feel that people should have the right amount of money first and they should be tested for bad genes.

MissMannah said...

Phoenix, I would have to agree with you, though I don't really know what the "right" amount of money would be. Enough so that you don't need government assistance? Or enough that you can buy all the latest gadgets and send your child to private school if you chose? Those are rhetorical questions, btw. Also, I don't know about "bad genes" either because many people would say that I have bad genes. I have a mental condition that is obviously in my genetic line because many women in my family also have it and it is my biggest fear that my child will be mentally ill. But it is a risk I am willing to take because I know how to handle it. My idea of monitored breeding is all potential parents should have to take an IQ test because there's way too many stupid parents out there. And parenting classes should be mandatory.

Never a Mommy said...

Ok I didn't read the comments, just the post....OP, I understand you EXACTLY!! I am 36, single, I don't want kids, I never have. I have been a nanny for my whole adult life, and a babysitter as a teenager.

I honestly don't know if I am physically able to have kids. Some women my age can, some can't. It honestly doesn't matter. I would not be a good mother. There is a very strong history of mental illness in my family, I would not want to put a child through that. I am also not financially able to give a child the life every child deserves.

I am a fantastic nanny. I don't say this to brag, it's just that childcare came naturally to me. So it isn't this big impressive thing I worked for, I just fell into nannying because being around children makes me happy.

I feel so much joy in being an important part of a child's life, but I also love going home at the end of the day, putting my feet up and watching dumb tv. I live alone, and I need my alone time.

People cannot believe I don't have or want kids of my own. I feel like I was born ithout a biological clock, because I have never had that overwhelming desire to have a baby. I love children, (and I understand toddlers better than adults sometimes!!) but I never want to be a mom. The babypushers are just going to have to get over that. I borrow kids, and I give them back. That's as close as I ever want it to get.

Fantastic post!!

Never a Mommy said...

I also can't explain why I *know* I am a great nanny and I *know* I would be a bad mom. I don't kno how to explain it, I just know it is true.

Phoenix said...

The right amount of money means not relying on the gov't or other people to have to pay for your child. People shouldn't keep having kids just to have them when they don't have a job. I wish people would hand out free birth control. It is hell of a lot cheaper to do that than it is to support a baby.

A lot of women have children for very wrong reasons. And these are usually younger women. Teens I've found do it for 3 reasons usually. If they go out and try to get pregnant it is to either keep a boy, they want someone to love them forever like they have a possession, and it is almost a fad now to be a teen mom. I don't know why that is. Some people do get prego on accident but if they don't want the baby they should either abort of give it up for adoption. It is horrible to bring a baby into the world and leave it to be unloved and abused.

I don't know. The gene thing. I don't have good genes. For one, being a redhead is a mutation. The mutation causes more than just the red hair, blue eyes and pale skin. I have problems with pain levels and I need to take almost 50% more medication that most people because the way my body breaks down drugs. I require 20% more general anastesia for surgery. Those are not necessarily bad things. Another problem with people with red hair is our temper. That is not just a coincidence. There is a compound that causes our emotions to be chemically different and this is all because of that mutation.

Since it is a mutation it can occur in every race. I've known black people with red hair. The mutation is recessive and it would show up in my grandkids mostly if I did breed. But my kids would be carriers.

When I was pregnant with my second one my doctor said it was really good that my husband was mexican and I was irish. He said that when you breed across races you have a smaller chance of having a baby with conditions that are specific to that race of people. He also said that people who have French Canadian genes have to have an extra special test to determine if the baby will have a certain defect.

Another problem in my family is the fact that all the women have very low progesterone. When any of the women get pregnant they have to take extra in order to keep the pregnancy.

Those are all genetic defects. There are not many people who are genetically perfect. I think an increase in things like autism is linked to this as well as the chemicals in the environment. as well as child cancer. I think that is linked to genetic defects. This isn't bad but it has to be the only thing that I can come up. Environmental and genetic factors.

Plus stupid people. I went to school with a girl who said she was praying she had a baby with down syndrome. Like wtf? That is selfish. Most people today have kids for their own benefit and they don't think about the kids. the don't teach the kids reality they have them for their own amusement. Like that toddlers and tiaras show. That is abuse in my book.

Anonymous said...

I am a nanny in NC and I am always being bothered about having kids. One of the main reasons I am not going to is for the fact that my partner and I wouldn't have rights in this state. Another reason is because I have always been the nanny and have so much time spent with kids I sort of feel like I've been a parent at times. I feel satisfied knowing I've helped with shaping the lives of a few kiddies. Maybe if I lived in a state where there were gay rights etc I would think about it. I wish people would drop the baby subject, its annoying. :)

Phoenix said...

Um NannyNC. You would have rights as parents. Being gay doesn't mean you can't be a parent. My mother-in-law and her ex had a child. Granted her partner wanted to carry the child so she went out and found a man who looked like my MIL, that was after she couldn't get pregnant from the sperm from my MIL brothers. But they found a gay man to donate the sperm. It was a turkey baster deal. He signed papers saying he didn't want rights then later changed his mind and sued for custody and won.

Being gay doesn't take your parental rights away. You just can't get married. One partner can adopt and both parents can get guardian rights.

I agree with you about not wanting kids. But if there was a gay couple who really wanted a child they could find a way around it. My mother-in-law did. But like all partnerships with kids they ended up getting "divorced" and they share custody of the kid.

Interesting situation to say the least

In AZ we now have the right to put a domestic partner on our insurance. My friend who has been with her boyfriend for over 5 years tried to sign him up on her plan at work and was denied. The domestic partner insurance rights are for same sex couples only. So the heterosexual non-married couples don't have rights either.

Time to get over it. You have rights. The same rights that non-married couples. Yes they have the right to get married but some choose not to and they still get hosed. But being a parent is a right for EVERYONE. No one, no law says you can't be a parent if you are gay.