The Green-Eyed Monster Mom

What is going on with mom jealously lately? So many moms seem to have totally lost perspective here. I try to be sympathetic to how the moms feel, but it is getting harder and harder because the moms seemed to have degenerated into whiny babies crying for attention. I have had so many moms lately say things to me like, "Oh my kids don't care about me, they would rather have you," or "They are always so much better behaved for you, they must like you better." Are they trying to put a guilt trip on me? Are they so desperately insecure that they need me to tell them that isn't the case? I used to try and reassure them, but I am frankly sick of it. They all say they want a kind loving nanny that their child will bond with, but then when the child is happy to see me, they have an issue. What are moms trying to accomplish by telling the nanny this? Don't you know that of course your kid loves you best? Why on earth do you need the nanny to reassure you? If they really have a jealousy problem, why can't they just sit down with me and say, "I'm feeling a little worried about this....etc" Why all the Poor Me crap?

The main problem I have is when the mom says this stuff in front of the kids, or directly to them, "Oh you don't love Mommy, now Nanny is here, I don't matter anymore," basically it sounds like they are they trying to put a guilt trip on the kids for liking the nanny. Don't you moms understand that when your child hears you say something like that it is hurting him? How is he supposed to understand that mommy leaves him with a nanny, but he isn't supposed to like the nanny? I can't think of any good reason to say stuff like this in front of your own kids. I understand that moms sometimes feel bad if their child seems to prefer the nanny, but it is really getting ridiculous. How can you bring a child into this world and not be able to have enough self control not to put an emotional burden on your kids?

I had an 8 year old girl I babysit occasionally whisper to me once, "Don't act like we're having too much fun together. Mommy might get sad." How awful is that, a 8 year old who feels responsible for her mom's emotional state. And she knows that mommy won't be happy if she (the child) is having fun with anyone else. I really wish that people who have jealousy issues like this would get it sorted out before they decide to have kids. And if they do have kids, keep the jealousy away from them at all times. Talk to your spouse/partner. Talk to your own parents. Talk to a therapist. Talk to your nanny if you absolutely must, just don't whine and lay a guilt trip on her. But for crying out loud, don't dump this on your kids. I cannot understand parents who put their own emotional needs over those of their kids.


Phoenix said...

this is a woman fishing for compliments. Even if she wasn't a mom, even if she wasn't married, even if she was homelss person on the street. she would still fish for compliments.

In my opinion she seems depressed. She should go to the doctor.

Phoenix said...

and I bet you her husband doesn't pay attention to her anymore. she probably used to fish for complimens with him and he got fed up. So she is doing it to you

LouLou said...

I'm a mom and I am with my son full time. I can understand hypothetically why a mom would say this, but don't see te point in bringing up an issue in that type of manner.

I have in laws that I have had to have a discussion with, because they say things like "your mommy and daddy are mean to you aren't they" and "you want to stay with grandma and grandpa and get actual attention don't you" to my son. Luckily he is a little young to remember this kind of bullshit, but at eighteen months he's starting to respond to this type of utter nonsense!

Susannah said...

I hate this as well. Get some therapy.

DC nanny said...

Yeah, I deal with the same crap.
It's so irritating to have to walk around on eggshells because MB is threatened by me. Honestly, if you don't want your daughter to love and have fun with me, fire me. Because I'm good at what I do, and it's not something I can help.

Just My Two Cents Just Now said...

This jealousy probably stems from a parent who feels guilty that she has to work and cannot be w/her child during the day. I call this "Worker's Guilt."

But for a Mother to say such immature things in front of her kids is crazy!! It seems she has issues that she needs to deal w/on her own. Perhaps she should see a therapist to sort everything out.

I have never encountered this issue in any of my jobs, however if I did...I think I would go nuts.

Fiona said...

I can understand the feelings of jealousy it's a strange thing that comes over you when you become a mother.

However, it's very wrong for the mother to be expressing these feelings to her daughter and even the nanny. These are issues she needs to work out on her own time with a qualified professional.

Bethany said...

I've come across this in daycare and as a nanny. I'm not a mother so I don't know the feeling of having your territory invaded so to speak.

It's hard being a nanny you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

But that mom you mentioned needs help her poor daughter shouldn't have the responsibility of her mother's emotional well being.

Bethany said...

I also hate it when there is any mention of me being a mom or like a mom, or second mom from the parents.
No! No! No! Talk about treading on thin ice.

It may be well meaning , but I'm a nanny a good nanny but nothing more.

Village said...

It might be a good idea to start an arts and crafts program with the child professing love for his mother. This can be as simple as construction paper and crayons with a I love you Mommy or a trip to a pottery class to make a handprint with I love you Mommy. If a child spends time everyday making a card or something like it for her mother, perhaps her mother will spend more time hugging the child instead of whining that the child loves the nanny more. Replace one behavior with another.

aregular said...

Unfortunately having a child doesn't automatically instill emotional maturity in a parent... I agree that this is so sad for the kids and potentially damaging.

Beezus said...

I've been feeling a twinge of jealousy from 2 of my MBs lately as well. It always has to do with the way I dress and sometimes do Cs hair. She'll say things like, You do her hair so much better than I ever can or C really loves when you get her dressed in the morning, I wish she liked the outfits I choose for her. While those comments seemed innocent at first, they have been repetitive and I find it annoying. I don't spend hours dressing my charge-I simply pick a matching outfit from her closet and I typically just french braid her hair. No big deal.
My other MB told me that her kids said they liked when I was there better because I'm not boring like her and they like when I make grilled cheese because it's "cheesier" than moms. She said she loved that they liked me, but I could tell she was hurt.Her kids tend to be VERY outspoken about how they feel and I think that while they are still young, it kind of works against me to an extent. Lately the compliments have been doubled with "the kids like it..." "Not I like it.." and I'm beginning to think that she's beginning to rethink the whole full time nanny business.

abby said...

Good advice, Village. Everyone even adults can benefit from being treated like a toddler from time to time.

Tessa said...

It drives me nuts when parents wonder why their toddler behaves for me and not for them. It is so blatantly obvious!! The parents respond to the tantrums by giving in. I respond by ignoring or redirecting. How do the parents not get that?? Are they that clueless?

If you say no to a cookie before dinner and your child throws a huge sobbing crying fit, it does not mean he is heartbroken or suffering. It means he knows what works on you to make you give him a cookie. Why is that hard to understand?

nycmom said...

The examples you have given sound awful and I agree that moms should never burden their kids like this.

However, on the flip side, I have had insecure sitters and a nanny who is new who is repeatedly asking me if they kids like her and/or seems genuinely hurt that it takes kids a while to form a bond. In those cases, I will try to make frequent positive comments to these woman exactly like some of the things mentioned above -- that daughter loves the way you do her hair, loves your opinion on her clothes, that son thinks you are such a great cook, etc. In many cases, this seems to really help the insecure sitters with their doubts and allows them to not be as sensitive to the normal length of time it takes for kids to bond with a new caregiver.

Of course, a parent bears much more responsibility here. But I would also question if, on occasion, some moms say these things because they are trying to reassure an insecure nanny or sitter and make them feel good. I am quite confident in the love between my children and me. However, I will still occasionally observe that kids act up when a parent walks in the door (as I'm sure all of us can attest to) or that they will miss Nanny over the weekend. I am not jealous in the least. But I do think everyone likes to hear they are valued for their various skills and job performance. As a nanny, this means saying that my kids think you do XYZ well or enjoy spending time with you.

It is obviously all about balance, context, and interpretation. But I can see instances where these comments could be said in a constructive way and instances where they could be very destructive.

nannytothree said...

This really bugs me too. My mb has asked her kids who they like better, her or me. I quickly chimed in and said jokingly "I know! They like Daddy the best!" Luckly they all agreed, and I changed the subject quick. She makes remarks to me about how the baby is cranky with her all morning, and as soon as I walk in the door, he runs for me and is happy as can be. Sometimes they cry when I leave, and I know that bugs her. But they cry when she leaves, and they cry when their dad leaves. When the five year old is mad at me, she tells me how wonderful mommy is. When she's mad at her mom, I'm sure she tells her mom how nice I am. That's what kids do. You can't take that stuff to heart. I take videos and pictures of the kids throughout the day, and send them to their parents. I have them call their parents and leave "I love you" voice mails. They make cards and pictures for them every day. There is no doubt they love their mom, but I feel like she's constantly comparing herself to me. It's very annoying for sure.

Susannah said...

@nycmom, I would say it's not your reponsibility to make your nanny not feel insecure.

I'd honesyly question if this person should be a nnay if she cna't understand that creating a bond takes time.

Also where do you find your your nannies? You always have bizzare people you've hired to care for your kids.

MissMannah said...

I agree with Susannah. It is not up to the parent to reassure the nanny that the child likes her--just like it isn't up to the nanny to reassure the parent that the child likes him or her. If all people concerned are too immature to get over these feelings of inadequacy, they really don't need to be caring for children in the first place. I'll admit, on my more emotional days I sometimes feel upset that a child is acting worse and wonder if it is my fault, but these feelings are fleeting and I trust in my own abilities enough to know that the child likes me. And I would NEVER ask a parent for reassurance because that is very unprofessional.

SNanny said...

I have to agree with Susannah here. I am a long time reader of this blog, and rarely comment. I always love reading NYCmom's comments because it is nice to hear from the flip side- the parent perspective. Yet, I wonder why NYCmom is lurking on this website and furthermore, has tales of multiple nannies. A part of me wishes all MBs would follow this blog, because they might understand some of our challenges and get a view into our lives/thoughts.. and I am not trying to flame NYCmom, but it always seems weird to me that you are commenting so frequently. I work for doctors and they hardly have time to check their emails, let alone follow a blog. So, out of curiousity NYCmom, what brings you here?

MaryPoppin'Pills said...

ISYN was originally intended as a Mom Blog but in the interim somehow became a place for Nannies to commiserate.

Our main objective is to out bad Nannies but we welcome all that have a story or advice to offer.

Penny said...

To MPP- I'm not trying to be snarky but I have a question, if this site has evolved into "a site for nannies to commiserate," and not what you intended it for and was to report bad nannies then why do you continue to post nanny prospectives and stories? I mean I think it's great to report bad nannies I have seen some myself and it angers me, but if parents are coming to this site to know what a bad nanny looks and acts like don't you think it's only right they understand a nanny's prospective of her job so they can be better employers? Why should the nannies out there be the only ones in the wrong, why can't parents who employ nannies or sitters the do's & don'ts of domestic employment? Bottom line is I think it's great that both employers and nannies come to this site if it's not your vision then why continue with nanny stories and prosepectives?

MaryPoppin'Pills said...

It honestly doesn't matter to me how the site has evolved, as long as it's objective remains the same.

A Blog can't possibly pick it's audience, unless of course it wants to have them register, which I refuse to do.

As for why I continue to Post Nanny Perspectives and Stories... you pretty much answered your own question: for Parents to "understand a nanny's prospective of her job so they can be better employers" --- and I would also like to include having camaraderie.

There are plenty of Mom Blogs out there... and some do report bad parenting. This one, however, is for reporting Bad Nannies.

If Readers want to Submit stories about their life, Rant about their job, or look for friends in their City... I am more than happy to Publish it for them.

nycmom said...


Originally I came here to report/read bad nanny sitings, then I found it interesting and read regularly. I found the perspective of some of the nanny's here interesting on many issues. It helped me reevaluate my role as an employer and, I believe, has helped me become a better one. I stay for the same reason, but also just because I find it interesting at times. Pretty much same reason anyone reads a blog.

As to my time, as I have stated in the past I primarily work ER shifts which means I have odd hours and many days off work. I've also said my kids are older now and all are in school at least part of the day. The same question could be asked to every nanny posting here who works full-time and is online during work hours, yet I don't ask that question because I it seems odd, judgmental and intrusive. Nonetheless, I will answer for you.

As to having odd nanny experiences, yes I have had several, further making this topic interesting to me. I'm sure this is largely due to the fact that I have moved cross-country 3 times since having kids and initially employed au pairs (who back then had a one-year limit). This led to a lot of turnover, and, by necessity, a variety of caregiver experiences. However, as I have also stated, the one place we lived for almost 10 years I had only two long-term nannies of 4.5-5 years and 4 years. I did also employ date night sitters during that time, however. Further, for many years we have had zero family who are able to help with the kids, meaning the only childcare I have is people I hire also necessitating hiring people for *any* recreation, work event or travel. This leads to a lot of interaction with a lot of different people.

However, as MPP has said, this site has evolved to a nanny support group. Thus, if most nannies do not want parents here I would certainly respect that wish.

Penny said...

I was just asking a question as to this sites intention and purpose, and if there was an issue with it evolving the way it has and if perhaps the format should change back to it's original purpose. I NEVER in any way said that I didn't want it to be a place parents or nannies could equally get perspective to help better both parties in their roles in the care of children. I just didn't want to post on here if is was not meant for someone like me a nanny. I did say this and I will say it again I think it's a great format for both parents and nannies to hear each others ideas, perspectives, and advice. I mean if we nannies and parents out there are only seeking the best for the kids in our lives it's important that we all do our best to find common ground, understanding, & develop a proper and fair work environment for everyone involved.

MaryPoppin'Pills said...

Thank you, Penny. I couldn't have said it better myself!

It is obvious we have more Nannies vs Parents visiting this site but I think the title of the Blog works against us in some strange way, lol.

Please know that your advice and opinions, as well as those of the other Parents we have, are more than welcome here.

Susannah said...

I hope you didn't take my comment to mean I thought you were incompetent and have no business posting here.

You just always have the strangest tales of caregivers and I was wondering if you were using a particular source.

nycmom said...

Thank you, MPP.


No offense taken. I have certainly had my share of unusual experiences in this world! Most of my negative experiences come from my time with au pairs, but I also had kids young and definitely learned on the job when it comes to hiring and employing a nanny. So I am sure my errors contributed somewhat to my experiences also. I will say that once I gathered enough experience, my long-term nannies were both amazing thankfully! I was being sincere, though, when I said that I want to respect the blog users. I certainly do not want to post intrusively in a forum that may have evolved over time from its original purpose. For now, I will continue to enjoy my interactions here, but will continue to be mindful of the blog's majority. Thanks.

MaryPoppin'Pills said...

I am not wanting to devalue the need for having a Nanny's perspective on this Blog but I hope you realize how important yours is as well.

If there were ever a time that Parents were made to feel unwelcome on ISYN, I would cease Posting everything but Sightings.

Just My Two Cents Just Now said...

As a Nanny, this blog has been an absolute "God send" since I have no one to ask for advice or vent to. None of my friends of family are Nannies so w/out this blog, I wouldn't have the support I need. When working as a Nanny, there are no co-workers of Human Resources Dept. unfortunately.

I have gotten great advice on here as well as much support when I need to vent.

Personally, I prefer the advice and rant articles over everything else.

Just My Two Cents Just Now said...


not of.