Friday

End Of The Nanny State

GUEST COLUMNSubmitted by Daddy Confidential
So we’ve moved from Manhattan to the Boston suburbs. A few days ago we loaded up the sedan with toddler, dog, cat, and whatever possessions we couldn’t entrust to the movers. I packed the trunk tighter than a crab’s ass. Mercifully, Fox’s nanny came along too. Maria agreed to join us until we were installed in a temporary apartment. (We move into a house later in the year – long story.) We were concerned the move would be traumatic for our son, who’s not quite two. But he’s proven surprisingly adaptable. It would appear Fox just thinks we’re away on vacation, albeit having seriously over-packed.

Our immediate priority is finding a new nanny, stat. It’s not clear how we’ll replace Maria. She’s the only caretaker Fox has ever known. Plus she has some next-level nanny superpowers, like sewing torn blankies. Also the ability to produce pacifiers from her bosom. A native Colombian and devout Catholic, Maria has a classic nanny appearance: heavyset, mountainous bosom, long skirts, and deceptively dexterous when the situation demands. She speaks to Fox solely in Spanish with a solicitous voice that trills through the scales. She is fiercely protective of her charge. She will stare down nasty girls on the playground – and also their huffy mothers.

As with all nanny arrangements, there was a lengthy adjustment period. In our case, it lasted roughly until last Tuesday. This was due largely to my wife, who is about as trusting as a feral cat. Case in point: When Maria leaves the apartment with Fox, Sarah runs through an exhaustive list of instructions, contingencies, hypotheticals, and emergency directives. NASA has sent people into space with shorter checklists. It’s all a bit comical to overhear because Maria always nods her understanding, despite having deplorable English skills. (Maria: if you’re reading this, “deplorable” means muy bueno.) When Maria and Fox return from orbiting the neighborhood, the door barely closes before Sarah requests a debriefing: How long did he nap? How much did he eat? When was his last bite? Did he poop? What did it look like? The grilling always makes Maria tense. Like when you see a cop and you stiffen; and even though you’ve done nothing wrong, his mere presence makes innocent behavior feel fraudulent.

Maria has a tendency to overindulge my son. She scurries to meet his every demand. I’ve looked up from my desk to see Fox sitting in Maria’s arms, facing forward, with an outstretched finger imperiously pointing in the direction she must carry him. He’s like a boy emperor whose feet must never touch earth. But since spoiling my son is her biggest fault, I tend to ignore it. Who else would patiently sit with Fox as he arranges his animal figures? And no one but Maria would indulge Fox’s obsession with carefully inspecting every parked motorcycle in the neighborhood. I freely accept that Fox and his nanny share some deep intimacies to which I’ll never be privy. Maria probably sneaks sweets to Fox, even though I don’t allow him juice, let alone candy. And while Maria is bizarrely secretive about hygiene, she is out and about with Fox for hours. Odds are good my son has seen heavy action behind enemy lines.

Maria is extremely emotional. She cries easily and often, whether from happiness or despair, or possibly heartburn. I can never tell. As she has known Fox since birth, their final days together have had a looming sorrow. Each night after I give Fox his bath before bed, I bring him out to say goodnight to Maria and the pets. The last two nights were too much for Maria. After Fox said his usual “[Buenos] noches,” and “[Te gusta] mucho,” Maria has fled in a Trail of Tears. Sarah and I exchange silent cringes and helpless shrugs, then hustle Fox to his crib.

This morning I put Maria on the train back to New York. I gave her a hug and told her how much we all love her. She thanked me through tears and responded in kind. I fought back some tears of my own. Because despite the amazing influence she’s had on my son, we both knew he’ll never remember her.

41 comments:

OceanBlue said...

Ew! God bless your next nanny she's going to need it!

FormerNanny said...

I think this was hilarious and you should definitely be a writer

Susannah said...

Not a fan of this author, but I won't rant on that.

Hope he & his family are enjoying their new home & nanny.

I also hope Maria is enjoying her new job and has a great family this time.

nynanny said...

Aw, I think DC is an AMAZING writer. You just have to understand his humor and wit!

Great article, Daddy C!

Tales from Veganhood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
To Love, To Rescue said...

This guy has a great sense of humor and is a really good writer. You can tell his sarcasm is playful because all of his affection can be found in the very last line - and what a beautiful line it is. Loved reading this!

Phoenix said...

I think my eyeballs popped out of my head.

There are so many things to say and I can't decide what those things are.

Wow....really just wow.

Phoenix said...

it is so funny i can't stand it.

I said...

I'm an avid reader; I even got my Bachelor's in English Lit.
And this was a great read! Hilarious! I loved it!
Try not to read it from a parent or nanny's point of view. Read it as someone looking for a good read!

erica said...

I hope the OP can come back and answer a few questions here: it seems this nanny may have been a bit conservative, and you also say very emotional, right? I'm dying to know how she took your sense of humor?

I bet you're one of those sarcastic types that to someone who doesn't know you, has a hard time figuring out if you're serious or joking!

I absolutely LOVED this post and plan on checking out the rest of your "daddy confidential" blog!

4 stars! lmao! ****

Aries said...

Hehe! I enjoyed the read as well. You should definitly become a professional writer because you sure no how to keep someone interested. I usually get bored mid-way into long posts but i read this one threwly. Funny!

Jen said...

LMFAO, haha! What a hilarious read! And Maria sounds so sweet, I wish I could hug her too.

btw, love, love, love the name Fox! Is that really your sons name or made up for the post you wrote?

disgusted said...

I don't understand why people like this author so much. He clearly has no respect for his wife or his nanny if he is splattering their personal, emotional business on the internet. And "mountainous bosoms??" Are you kidding? If a DB ever mentioned my breasts I would quit immediately.

This also seemed to be an ode to a fabulous nanny, then it seemed to turn into a rant about everything that is wrong with her. Then back to how much you love her. Make up your mind!

@ "I" You told us not to read it from a parent or nanny's point of view, but this is a nanny site. Almost everyone here is a parent or a nanny!

DC, obviously you find publicly humiliating the people you are supposed to care about. I don't really see the humor.

Susannah said...

I don't get it either disgusted.

He strikes me as the type who has an inflated view of himself and his life and his importance to the world. The type that is hilarious and fantastic in his own eyes, and if you find his actions offensive there is something wrong with you.

He also left a sour taste in my mouth the last time an article of his was posted here.

But that's just my take clearly you and I are in the minority.
Different strokes for different folks.

OceanBlue said...

I don't find him funny or to be the next great author either.

I tend to think that had this and his other post been authored by a mom instead of a dad there wouldn't be as many fans.

Dick Lick my friends and I call it.
It's wonderful and charming because it's by a man and there are so few men her.

oh well said...

I find this post extremely condescending and offensive.
To many people the writer may
sound like a classic dad boss, clueless, selfish, and slightly delusional.
My only hope that this guy
spends long, long hours at his job
(but my suspicion is that he works out of home).

nanny of one said...

Dick lick or not, I think those that are offended by DC's writing are just prudes. For instance, dads that walk around without a shirt, lmao.

Bethany said...

If nothing else this guy knows how to get attention and get people talking.

nynanny said...

Bethany,
Isn't that what this blogs all about? Attention-seeking, good and bad, by both readers and writers! lol. I happen to think the guy is funny as hell, but thats just me!

Bethany said...

nynanny,

you make an interesting point. I somewhat agree with you.

I guess that's the beauty of this place.

The guys not my style, but he doesn't anger me.

MissMannah said...

Daddy Confidential, I really liked your last story and found it hilarious, but this one was just awful. I got the humor and sarcasm, before someone tells me I just have no sense of humor. But the whole thing just came off so condescending to me. You are the sort of boss I would never work for, because I always demand respect in the work place. I suspect Maria gets very little respect, how sad for her.

Z said...

Sad but true nynanny. There are way too many attention seekers on this site. I would love to get back to nannies supporting eachother and giving eachother helpful advice!

UmassSlytherin said...

I did not think this story was that great. It was well-written, but the humor was lost on me because of the condescending tone.

Although you express appreciation for this woman, it is painfully obvious that you are an elitist.

I just did not find it funny. I would not want to be employed by you. And I would not want to be your son.

If Fox is named after Michael J. you will score more points with me. Please say it's so. If not, God help you.

Beezus said...

I was hoping he was named Fox like Fox Mulder from X-Files.

bostonnanny said...

I think OP's personality will fit perfectly in Boston...its full of sarcastic assholes lol. Plus from the sound of it his wife would fit in perfectly with most of the suburban moms in Andover, Newton and wealthier parts of Cambridge.

I wish the new nanny luck in breaking all the bad habits Maria reinforced and dealing with you.

bostonnanny said...

also, I do find referring to your son as Fox as very adorable. I kind hope thats his real name

MissMannah said...

DC previously posted a video of his son and in it he called him "Fox" to his face so I am sure it is his real name. I also immediately thought of Fox Mulder.

Bad Name said...

I hope to god you did not really saddle your son with the name Fox. Do you have any idea the grief he will take for a name like that?

Agree said...

Wow I totally agree with Umass!

Lauren said...

LOVE!

Manhattan Nanny said...

This reminds me of a play, The Comedians by Trevor Griffiths. In the first act several standup comedians perform for a comedy class, and we are laughing at their acts. In the second act the comedy class teacher picks the acts apart and points out the underlying racism and classism in them, and we the audience are made uncomfortable about having laughed at them.

get rid of this moron said...

MPP, I hope you will consider not letting this guy post any more guest columns. His demeaning and derogatory comments have no place on a nanny website. It devalues the website to have his misogynist crap on here.

anon #1 said...

re-post for anonymous:

Anonymous said...
Hey, lighten up on the guy. Hasn't anyone ever dealt with sadness or loss by trying to make light of the situation. Exaggerating the truth is what humor is all about. DC seems to be a loving dad who happens to be very funny.

Daddy Confidential said...

Thanks mom!... you always know exactly what to say :-J

Oh hey it's me, OP (yeah you know me!) I just have time to bang out a few sentences, so I'll try to address some of the recurring comments:

1. There was some speculation about my son's actual name. MissMannah correctly sleuthed that "Fox" is indeed his name. All names on my blog are real (unless indicated otherwise).

2. I'm not sure how readers inferred anything "misogynistic, demeaning or humiliating" in my post. But that's probably consistent with a blogger labeled as "selfish, elitist, and delusional." Perhaps we should also allow for the possibility that small-minded people have a tendency to narrowly interpret otherwise innocuous writing.

3. To OceanBlue – I really like the term "Dick Lick." More like that, please.

4. To UmassSlytherin – I totally agree that some people should not be allowed to procreate. In my defense, your mom swore she was on the pill.

I am flattered by all of the comments generated by this post! Many thanks to everyone who wrote in with kind words. Thanks as well to those with less kind things to say. I am a big fan of free expression.

MissMannah said...

Of course! If we get offended by someone "innocuously" mocking another member of our profession, it must be because we are small-minded. Thanks for clearing that up.

nashville nanny said...

You said it best, Mannah!

Ps.... DC, you're an asshat.

Beezus said...

I think the key phrase in ops post was "narrowly interpret". Narrowly interpreting anything, whether it be his post,the Bible, stem cell research,the south ect... will lead you to be small minded.
I didn't find him insulting to my profession,but I suppose I wasn't trying to be.
I found his insight as a DB mildly entertaining, but nothing to complain about.
Maria may also not have been easy to get to know or easy to live with. A good nanny to Fox,but a few nods,smiles,broken English here and there and from what sounds of it, a lot of tears, DB may be looking forward to a new nanny-Maria may also be looking forward to a new placement as well. I can be almost sure of that. No one likes an annoying MB, and she does sound irritating.

Daddy Confidential should go write for Cracked.com where being snarky can pay.

The only thing I didn't get was Maria being secretive about her hygiene,I'm not sure what that was totally supposed to mean or what it was getting at

Razzle Dazzle said...

Um, yeah, totally random, but "deplorable" is the same in both languages (just pronounced differently). If María read this, she would not be fooled. Just saying...

Lyn said...

I don't have much of an opinion on the article itself. I usually enjoy snarky humor but I think you lost me (a nanny of 5 years) after describing the "look" of an average nanny. I certainly don't appear that way nor do any of my nanny-friends. I wasn't offended by it. It just surprised me a little. However, I have to agree with the PP who said that iif a db ever mentioned my "bosoms" I wouldn't feel comfortable around him. I am far from a prude but that is just not part of a good work enviroment.

talesfromthe(nanny)hood said...

I kind of like the "deceptively dexterous" line. DC has a style and a following. I can appreciate his work, but I pretty much prefer http://jasongood.net/

I like self-deprecating humor with my snark. :-)

UmassSlytherin said...

My mother was a wonderful woman. I am offended that this man brought my mother into his sick thread.That's really low.

If you died and I was blogging with Fox I would never tell him what a douche bag his dad is.