Big Sister's Burden

opinion 1
I have a problem and don;t know any adult I can trust to help me with this. I'm 14 and have 2 sisters that are 4 and 7 years old. My mom is a single mom and works alot of hours so we have a nanny. We all like her very much. But heres my problem: a couple of nights ago I caught our nanny going through my moms drawers (she doesn't know I know). Now, I don't know if she took anything or not but all the same I know it was wrong for her to be going through my moms things. I'm not sure if I should talk to my mom about it because it would really upset her. She's stressed enough with work. I also know she likes our nanny very much but I'm afraid, what if she fires her? I don't know what to do. I don't want a new nanny, but I don't want her thinking its ok to go through my moms personal things (me and my sisters aren't allowed to go in my moms room, either). Please tell me what I should do?


"Nanny" said...

It is completely inappropriate for your nanny to go through your mom's things. And as much as you don't want to have to.... my opinion is that you should tell your mom what you saw. I would want to know if someone I trusted in my home was looking through my personal items in my bedroom. I might feel differently if she was snooping through a medicine cabinet.... but a bedroom? Off limits.

Village said...

I think you should tell your Mom. It's always okay to tell your Mom the truth. Isn't that the way she raised you?

This is not a child's problem. These is an adult problem. It's your Mom's job to talk to the nanny about why she was going through her things. Your Mom would want to know. Maybe she asked the nanny to look for something, or maybe not, but your Mom can handle it.

You sound like a wonderful child, and your Mother must be so proud of you. Be brave and do the right thing. I know change can be scary, but remember your mother wants what is best for you, and leaving you in the charge of a deceptive nanny isn't in your best interests.

Nashville Nanny said...

It is completely inappropriate for your nanny to go through your mom's things. And as much as you don't want to have to.... my opinion is that you should tell your mom what you saw. I would want to know if someone I trusted in my home was looking through my personal items in my bedroom. I might feel differently if she was snooping through a medicine cabinet.... but a bedroom? Off limits.

Bethany said...

Tell your mom what you saw.

It's up to your mom to decide what to do not you.

You did nothing wrong.

susannah said...

It's possible Mom asked nanny to get something from the room. I've had MBs ask me to get something or tell me where something was that I needed and she wasn't there to give me.

Rules for nannies and rules for children aren't the same. OP has put herself in an adult role which she is not.

That said, I agree with the others just tell your mom.
She's an adult and capable of figuring out what to do. It's not your job to protect your mom.

oh well said...

You sound like a great daughter who wants to protect your mom. You do need to tell your mom, though. What may seem to you like a big deal may not be to your mom, and conversely.

Ma Nanny said...

I would tell your mom EXACTLY (everything!)what you just told us. Even to the point where you weren't sure if you should talk to her about it, etc. Your mom is going to be amazed and proud of you.

curious said...

Just playing devils advocate here. The girl said she adored her nanny. What about just keeping an eye out first for continuing behavior of nanny invading mom's privacy? If she does it again she can then tell the mom what's going on. She seems real worried about the nanny getting fired for some reason.

Kat said...

Tell your mom honey, if for some reason she did ask the Nanny to get something, she'd be able to tell you that. To not tell her would be the same as lying, IMO.

Phoenix said...

you need to tell your mom and it is good if she fires her

you're 14. is there any reason that your mom doesn't allow you to watch your sisters? is it so the nanny can drive you guys around?

I was in charge of my sister growing up. She is 6 years younger than I so i would always be the one to watch her during the summer.

Just curious.

big sis said...

To answer your question, my mom growing up was made to care for her brothers and sisters so she didn't want to saddle me watching mine. But mostly, I come home from school and watch them for a couple hours then our nanny comes to stay late for us so were not alone late at night.

It was after bedtime (I had to go to the bathroom). I don't think she'd of asked my nanny to get something from her room for her, when I saw her it really looked like she was just snooping. Still, I care about her but mom my is strict enough that she might fire her.

Thankyou for your help and for being nice.

Just My Two Cents Just Now said...

OP a.k.a...Big Sis:

You sound like a great daughter who is very concerned about her mother and does not want to stress her out. Kudos to you! ♥

I would go with my instincts on this one. Your Nanny probably WAS snooping and thought she wouldn't get caught since she thought you guys were all in bed.

You need to tell your Mom ASAP. Who knows what else this Nanny is doing when she thinks no one is around.

I am sorry if she gets fired and you get a brand-new Nanny, but let me tell you something Dear, is much better for everyone in the long run.

Take care.

Phoenix said...

thank you for the explanation. That makes a lot of sense.

I would seriously consider telling your mom. No matter how nice someone is to your face snooping is not the behavior of a nice trusting person. That is the behavior of someone being sneaky and possibly a thief. People can be nice to your face then stab you in the back. You don't want her to actual start stealing from you.

So if she were to get fired it would not be because you told on her. it would be because she is not trust worthy and was going through your family things. She may do this to your room too, and maybe your sisters.

UmassSlytherin said...

Tell your mom for sure. Let her take it from there.

missmary said...

Hi big sis!

You sound like an awesome sister and a really great daughter.
I would tell your mom what you saw, but I wouldn't be too worried about it! Your nanny most likely was getting something for your mom or looking for something totally innocent like tylenol. I got my period at my mom-boss's house and had to dig around looking for a pad since she's pregnant!

Keep rockin!

Rocky Mountain Nanny said...

I think it is so great that your first consideration was for everyone's feelings. You sound very mature and intelligent.

I do think you should mention this to your mom. Does the nanny know that mom's room is off limits? If so, the nanny has no business even setting foot in your mom's room. You should not have to deal with this, tell your mom and let her handle it.

I think it was a very smart choice to think about this and ask people for advice. Good for you! I think your mom and sisters are lucky to have you!

Courtney- Nanny of 3 said...

Aww you sound like a great kid! I agree that this is an adult problem and you should definitely tell your mom just in case. Take care sweetie!

Phoenix said...

I am sure the girl that came here for advice is a good person.

Now when I was 14 and I went out of my way to ask people this question and use logic instead of run on emotion and a bunch of old women kept calling me a great kid and "sweetie" I'd be pissed. Its demeaning and shows a lack of respect. I would never have tolerated being talked down to like that. When I first started at my office I was the youngest person in the company. I was 19 years old starting with people 30 plus years on me and i think one lady called me "little girl" I was pissed. They all treat me as an equal now. But I'm just saying. Don't talk down to people.

She came here as our equal. Asking a question. she didn't need us to pat her on the head. She knows she's a good person. She is VERY smart for someone who is only 14 so I will treat her like she's 18. That is why I asked why her mom didn't want her watching the kids because she is smarter than most people who post here as professional nannies.

Sorry but that just irks me. I know how I was at 14 and that would have been my reaction.

just curious said...

Maybe not everyone feels the same as you do phoenix. She has probably seen some of these posts before and how ugly a few of you can be, that might be why she said "thank you for being nice"! Geez, I'm in my 20's and wouldn't be offended if a person told me I was sweet. You're just a hardass phoenix, lol.

Phoenix said...

seriously. the biggest way to get a teen to shut down is call them a "sweet kid"

Out of all the age groups of children under the age of 18. I know how to handle teens. I don't know much about little kids but teens I get. Learning how to communicate with them is 98% of the job

we were all teens once and the only thing during this time that we wanted was "to be adults" treat them like one and you get much much more accomplished.

Hell my mom always joked that when I was 10 was my actual 30th birthday

Phoenix said...

I'm telling you. I watch how teachers and parents handle their teens. When you try to stuff them and keep them in that kid role it pisses them off and they rebel. Giving them adult decisions (even if they make the wrong ones) is beneficial to the parent teen relationship.

It's not the "sweet" part. I was called sweet. I am talking about treating a "pre-adult" like a child. I know the OP here wouldn't be offended because she is smart enough to know that people are being nice and helping her. Its just an observation. i'm living with a boy who is going to be 13 in 6 months and we had to change the way we speak to him and it has worked wonders.

Dr. Juris said...

I don't talk down to any kid, even the young ones. I talk to them like they are adults, because I hate babytalk.

Dr. Juris said...

I'm not quite sure what a 14 year old talks/types like, Anon. I've always talked in a more mature manner than my age might otherwise suggest. Some people are more prone to grammatical errors or sounding childish, while others aren't. However, I will say that the OP did make quite a few errors in her post.

Corinn said...

I think you should feel open about telling your mom because if there is a reasonable explination, it will all work out just fine and if not, then your nanny was doing something she shouldn't be doing. I'll just explain one scenario I had when working for a family I was with for 4 years just to get a different perspective on this though. The one place I never went in was the parent's bedroom/bathroom area. It was private and I had no need but one day I started my period and had Nothig with me. I was still sort of new and embarrassed to text the mom and ask if she had anything and that day I couldn't leave the house because I was told to wait for a repairman who was coming so I could let him in. That's the one time I did go and look in her bathroom for something I could use and that was the only time.

Phoenix said...

Anon, you do realize there are intelligent 14 year olds out there. Why would you doubt this post?

Quentin said...

OP, I feel bad that there are so many rude people posting here. I hope you will ignore them and just read the positive posts. You sound like a wonderful big sister and daughter. Good luck with everything, and I hope the rudeness doesn't scare you off!

Courtney- Nanny of 3 said...

Phoenix--the fact that you came after me just because I called her a good kid really shows what kind of person you are. And I'm not that old...last time I checked 25 wasn't that old. Why treat a 14 year old like she's 18 when in reality she's still a kid? And we honestly don't care how you were when you were 14. You need to realize that everyone is different. When I was 14 I craved the attention because I didn't get much from my own parents. Not that it matters.

Aries said...

Courtney NannyOf3 - THIS!!

As for OP, Definitly tell your Mother. Theres not to many people out there who actually care about one another but family will always care and have each others back so if you seen this then you owe it to your mother to tell her.

The Nanny might be 'nice' and a 'good nanny' but at the end of the day, this is a job for her and you don't really no who she is when shes by herself. If she won the lottery, do you think she'd stick around or even give your mother notice? Heck no, she'd quit an go on a cruise and spend thousands on a shopping spree. So don't think for a second that you owe her by keeping this a secret. She's a nosy person and a possible theif an she will continue to 'snoop'... dont let her..