Saturday

Watch your Language

guest column Written by, Daddy Confidential
At 20 months, my son Fox is exhibiting some scandalous baby-talk. No joke: if you point to a wall clock he snappily supplies the word “cock.” We recently bought some pussy willows, the first two syllables of which Fox says flawlessly. But for some reason he refuses to say “willows.” And don’t even ask what he said during Monday’s art class when we made a kite… I don’t want to involve the Anti-Defamation League.

The other day as he reached for my sunglasses, Fox confidently said “gafas”. I commended him for his effort, then patronizingly pronounced the word glasses. His nanny Maria overheard from the kitchen and timidly offered that gafas is in fact Spanish for glasses. (Maria wears her gafas on a granny strap, from which they dangle about her bosom.) Holy frijole. My son is bilingual. Since Maria is only part time, my wife was initially concerned that occasional Spanish would confuse our son – and maybe even delay his speech. I figured that for babies, all languages are foreign (or native, depending on whether you see that glass as half empty or half full). It seems to be working out. Maria speaks to Fox solely in Spanish, and he appears to understand everything she says. Granted, besides gafas Fox’s only Spanish words are a few numbers, plus gracias and naranja (orange). Wait, can I count no? Maybe that’s a stretch.

In our neighborhood it’s fashionable to hire a nanny from somewhere exotic. The hope is that an unusual second language will distinguish your child on a school application. It’s even more fashionable to procreate with someone from an exotic country (assuming it’s not the nanny). My wife’s friend married a Japanese chick and at 18 months, their daughter Magnolia barely speaks a word. But she holds back with such assuredness that you know she’s already fluent in both English and Japanese. She’s just biding her time. Talk about a triple threat: English + Japanese + she’s adorable.

As a college Russian major, I always intended to speak the language of Dostoevsky to my son from birth. But like a bad tennis stroke, there was no follow-through. So while Spanish may not be as interesting, it will almost certainly be more useful. And the early exposure to a second language is wiring Fox’s brain in all sorts of developmentally salubrious ways.

When I lived in Russia a friend teasingly told me the following riddle (translated for your benefit): “What’s the word for someone who speaks three languages?” I answered, trilingual. He continued, “What’s the word for someone who speaks two languages?” Bilingual. “And what’s the word for someone who speaks only one language?” I thought for moment, but couldn’t think of an applicable word. He smiled and said “American.”


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28 comments:

MaryPoppin'Pills said...

How cute!

My son was about 3yo when he witnessed me frazzled, trying to rush out of the house for an appointment, and he innocently said:

"Relax, mommy... patience is a virgin!"

You gotta love it! ;-)

MissMannah said...

"It’s even more fashionable to procreate with someone from an exotic country (assuming it’s not the nanny)"

This made me LOL so hard I almost had tears in my eyes. And then I did the same at the video of your son saying "pussy pussy pussy!" Absolutely adorable.

Bethany said...

When my niece was 8 to 10 months old she called clocks cocks. She would proudly and loudly point them out wherever she spied one.

Nanny E said...

Totally love that his name is Fox. Reminds me of X Files. :)

Manhattan Nanny said...

I had a charge who would shout fuck fuck every time a truck went by. I got some very shocked looks from elderly blue haired ladies walking their poodles on Park Ave.

Too Stupid to Print said...

stupid. Not cute at all. Author tried too hard to be funny and Failed. Too formulated.

unicornsparkleprincess said...

uhhhh

Laura said...

This is terrible writing. The writer comes across as snobby and pretentious and says some very offensive things. NOT COOL. Just my two cents.

XTC said...

Damn, some of you people got sticks up your asses. He didn't come off as snobby or pretentious at all.

Maybe his writing skill and sense of humor was too far above your intellect?

Katie said...

The story about his son is cute. It gets offensive towards the end, he may not have meant it to be offensive but it is.

Personally, I'm not a fan of using exotic to describe a person save that for animals at the zoo or pet shop.

Ellen said...

the ~exotic description and this gem:
"in our neighborhood it’s fashionable to hire a nanny from somewhere exotic" is pretty offensive.

Rebecca Lubin said...

FUNNIEST POST EVER.
Thank you so much for the video. Seriously DC, you've made my day.

Theresa said...

This article was hilarious and even better is his blog!

Littlenanny said...

This was hilarious! I'm going to start reading his blog over ISYN, you people have no sense of humor!

Katie said...

I'm sorry I don't find racism no matter how subtle funny.

Ashamed of my name said...

You seem a little too focused on race. That 'exotic' comment was pretty uncool. I also hope that your sons name isn't actually Fox. It's fun for parents to pick a weird or unusual or quirky name(or one from a tv show) but remember the child actually has to live with that name. He has to go to school and be made fun of and feel like a freak because you wanted to have a little fun with his name. As someone who grew up with a weird name, I think it is an awful thing to do to a child.

Phoenix said...

kids learn better when they are young. My step-son only speaks spanish at his mom's house and only English at my house. He is 100% fluent in both. Teaching when they are toddlers is best.

Kids do say funny things. My favorite one was a little boy learning to read from hooked on phonics and he said "look mom its a freakin elephant!" she said 'what? where'd you learn that?' "Look! A freakin elephant!" She strolls over and looks at the page and sees AFRICAN ELEPHANT.

according to how kids are taught phonics and reading he pronounced it correct

Phoenix said...

and it is dumb that Americans aren't required to learn another language besides English. My step-grandpa who I thought of as my real grandpa cuz my grandma married him before I was born. Spoke 13 languages fluently. He was born in Italy. His dad was Mussolini's something or other. They traveled together with Mussolini before the start of WWII. He came to America when he was 17 and was the interpreter for JFK. He refused to speak German because he hated them for what happened in WWII but I know he knew it he just refused to speak it. Language is a neat thing. When I was a kid it was so annoying to go to my grandma's house because they ate bizarre things and English was not on the TV, ever.

PQ said...

I had a 4 year old tell me once that "Daddy said taxes are a real asshole!" I found that statement pretty funny anyway, but then found out what Dad actually said was that taxes are a HASSLE. Too funny!

PQ said...

Hahaha MPP...patience is a virgin! I love it!

Phoenix said...

the only thing that my step-son ever said to me that was really really funny was when our dog died. we had a german sheppard dog/husky mix named bandit. when he was 4 he began to go paralyzed in his rear legs. the vet said that he wasnt in pain so we could let him live out his ending at home. well bandit died when my ss was 6 and we told him to come say goodbeye. he said, where did he go? we told him that bandit went to heaven. he cocked his head and asked wheres that? we said that is where jesus lives... he contemplated for a moment. and he said "oh yes, jesus, my uncle...."

well we found out that way his mom wasn't taking him to church like she said she was. i thought that was hilarious. our dog died and went to his uncles house

Ugh said...

Only Phoenix could see the funny side of a pet dying.

MissMannah said...

Did you only read the last line of what she wrote? It actually was a cute little story. I love hearing about stuff like that--kids think up the weirdest things sometimes!

Annie the Nanny said...

I once had a charge whose favorite activity in the world was to go around the block and collect sticks and rocks in his bucket. He would loudly proclaim, "LOOK! I FOUND A BIG DICK!" Sadly for me, he could pronounce his Rs. :)

Suse said...

I love the joke at the end about Americans. I totally cracked up laughing! I'm American, so I'm allowed to make fun of us! It is sad that most of us, myself included, are only fluent in one language.

That's right said...

Most non Americans speak a second language because they were screwed throughout history conquered, enslaved, unable to compete large scale on the world market etc. It's not because they are more cultured as they try to portray now. It was needed.

Many Americans do indeed know another language, but don't use it because they don't have to English was and still is one of the major international languages.

Also that bit about marrying someone exotic totally racist

MissMannah said...

What the heck are you talking about? How many Americans are fluent in more than one language? I'm talking people who were born and raised here to parents who were born and raised here. Not many that I know of. The only examples I know of are people who learned another language in high school and actually kept up with it because they wanted a career in languages. (I'm thinking of my sister the French teacher who didn't know a lick of French before high school.) Yes, it may not be totally necessary for anybody to know other languages, but it is still a good idea. I has been studied by neuroscientists that bilingual people have higher brain functions.

MissMannah said...

It* has been studied

Obviously I just proved my own theory. I don't know other languages and I function on a lower brain level.