In the Best Interest of a Child

opinion 1
Why have children? That is a question that I often ask myself when I deal with my current nanny situation on a day to day basis. Is it to adhere to a biological need, to satisfy your partner, or in the worst case situations, a 'mistake'. I am not sure which situation occurred to my employer, however, what I am sure of is that my employer is in no way, shape, or form ready for the the task of parenthood. I work only Monday-Friday but stress about the weekends because I know my charge has to spend them with DB, who is their primary custody parent. During this time my charge is often unbathed, eats take out food, watches plenty television etc. As a caregiver it is a hard position to be in as you care so much about the child however have no control over the matter.

During the week the DB does not clean up (dishes, personal laundry, kitchen messes, food, garbage removal) nor does DB get groceries even if a list is left... Yet time and time again, I notice that personal purchases are made (new video games, movies, adult beverages) etc. It puzzles me how one can go out and buy this, yet not ensure there is lunch/dinner options for the child on hand. My charge will go Friday-Monday with no bath, teeth maybe brushed (however, I know for a fact that there are times when this task isn't completed). Over the past years working in this situation, I have witnessed my charge throw up/or wet the bed on the weekend and the soiled sheets be sitting in the regular hamper with the rest of the week's laundry. The DB doesn't even have the basic knowledge to throw it in the washer and turn it on. I am not in charge of cleaning the DB's messes nor clothing, however, because I am at the house for a large portion of my life I get so disgusted and it begins to smell that I end up cleaning up after the DB all the time.

When the charge goes to their mother's residence they always smell of tobacco smoke, they seem to often have cough's, and I have mentioned to DB that I feel that MB is perhaps smoking around the child or that the situation is unclean/unhealthy for the child. The DB does not take action against MB and allows charge to still go there, regardless of the obvious health risk! I just sometimes wonder, what are parents thinking? I mean, its basic, have food for your child, keep yourself tidy/clean, keep your child/tidy clean, and ensure their safety, this is inclusive of health as well.

Another thing, when the holiday's come around, the DB does not invest in a Christmas tree, or other holiday decorations/activties, the DB has only this past year purchased gifts for the charge (bday-xmas). The DB has lived an extremely privileged life and in turn has no clue how the average person without 'Help' operates. Yes, I make great money, and have fantastic benefits. However, I am beginning to wonder, what happens when I leave [as that time is soon coming], then who will care for my charge and for sure they won't put up with half of the nonsense that I do.

On a final note, I am employed by a wealthy family member whom employs me as a favour to the family. Thus, I feel like a rock in a hard place, for if I say anything to my financial employers I may lose my job or cause tensions between myself, them, and the DB. I want to talk to the DB but he is not good with confrontation and will for sure take it the wrong way. How else can you state the above issues without causing tension? I really think that DB just wants me to watch the child, provide the best care, keep quiet about everything else, and mind my own business. But I feel that I am emotionally invested and am the only person who is honestly looking out for the best interests of the child. HELP!


Nanny who loves her career!! said...

I know the feeling- you want to do so much more for this child and you can't. You need to speak for this child- . You need to speak to Social Services- Child Protection Services. Someone who will listen to you. What if the child gets into a dangerous situation- parents are high/ sleeping and child hurts herself)- you need to document/ video tape- if you can and report it!! Your change's life may depend on it!!! More importantly, love the child!! (and don't clean up after dad!! YUCK- LOL!! Good Luck!

Manhattan Nanny said...

You are in a very difficult position. The food situation is easy. Offer to prepare meals. Ask for a debit card, or cash to do the grocery shopping. You can make large quantities and freeze meal portions. This should be a relief for DB.

The big concern is the visits to the mother. It is unusual for the father to have custody, especially as your DB doesn't seem prepared to care for the child. My guess is the mother was declared unfit. Do you know if these are court ordered visits?
I think you should alert CPS. You are a mandated reporter, and there are red flags here. (One thing they will look at is whether or not there is adequate food in the house). If the problems are minor, they will help the family solve them. You can't be too cautious when it comes to the welfare of a child

Sera said...

Is your charge dirty when you see him?

Not bathin daily is pretty common in the culture I gre up in. Kids unless very dirty typically only had a full bath once a week , so that doesn't seem that odd to me.

As far as food is he being fed? Sure fast food is not the best, but dad is providing food. Even if it's not to your liking.

They may not celebrate Christmas or birthdays not everyone does for religious/cultural reasons.

As for Mom's smoking sure it's unhealthy but it's not likely a reason mom will lose visitation.

As for dad's mess he's a spoiled rich kid plain and simple. You are employed as his nanny as much as his child's. They're getting two for one deal nanny& housekeeper. They probably expect you to laundry and grocery shop even if they haven't stated so.

MissMannah said...

I highly doubt these are reasons for CPS to investigate. As far as I can tell, there's no abuse going on and no real neglect. Is the child getting all his basic needs met? It doesn't matter if the dad or mom are meeting his needs if you are. The dad has hired someone to take care of his kid because he's too lazy to do so himself, so at least that is a twisted kind of way. I know we as caregivers can't really wrap our heads around people like this, but it really isn't any of our business. Our job is to take care of the children and that's it. But if you ever do see this child in real trouble, by all means call CPS. Living in a messy house and eating McDonald's isn't a good enough reason. Nor is inhaling second-hand smoke.

Aries said...

No offence but if you care so much for these children then why are you on here bashing there family? I'm sure it's not as bad as you make it out to be. If it was then CPS would of been called by now because of them not caring for there children properly and letting them live in filth. I don't no how old your charge is but i know of alot of children usually under the age of 5 that only take showers 2-3 days a week. How do you know so much about what goes down when you're not there? And no kid is going to sit around watching Tv ALL day, never mind all week.

I think you're purposely trying to make them look like unfit, horrible parents to make yourself look like a better parent type figure. Get over yourself it's not only rude on your boss but also on your charge. I'm sure the next nanny will appreciate the money and 'extra benifits' and handle caring for the children and act more professional. I'm not saying that same nanny wont gossip here and there but hopefully she has enough respect to not go on a site and exaggerate and make her charge's parents look like filthy unfit people..

And yes he will take it the wrong way because if you confront him about what was said on here then it is all bad news to him. You haven't said one nice thing. You're leaving soon so why talk now? You probably smile to there face and spit behind there back and i think you should let the kids find a nanny who will REALLY love and appreciate not only them but there ENTIRE family.

I can apperciate this poster's concerns... said...


I think that this nanny is really having the best interests of the child.

And for some odd reason I think that perhaps the last poster is OP's mother! or even DB

Most parents would be lucky and glad to have a caregiver that cares for the child as their own and puts their best interests forward even if it means costing them their job.

On a final note, I agree with the others whom stated that there is no need for CPS etc, but rather perhaps a new plan made in which all parties can agree to certain child care standards.

OP here said...

OP Here!
First I would like to say thank-you for the support, as often times nannies have very few outlets to express themselves.

Secondly, I would like to make a couple of things clear mostly to the poster mock "Aries". I care a great deal for these children and this family unit. I have been there for a long period of time and have a lot invested emotionally etc as do they with me.

I did not come on here to bash my boss or anybody. I came on here to express my concerns and get advice. I have a strong reason to believe that the poster is perhaps the children's mother whom has taken it upon herself to follow my tracks.

In today's world being a single parent is a daunting task however that being said what it comes down to is pure laziness on the part of both parents.

If only DB could pick up after himself, make an effort to fill the fridge with the lists I provide, then it would make both of our lives so much easier. A little help goes a long way.

MB needs to focus more on getting her life and act together in order to be able to be a responsible parent.

As a Nanny, I also agree that I need to disconnect a lot more emotionally and allow the parents to be the ultimate decision makers when it comes to their children regardless of how I feel on the matter.

A child needs a bath on a daily basis! They come into contact with a lot of things, and also for infection purposes or even just to relax before bedtime.

Watching television all the time is unacceptable. If you expect your nanny to go out and about with your child then you should also do so.

Regarding holidays and other parent related functions. Yes, this family does celebrate holidays, however, what it boils down too is that if it requires work and effort the DB isn't overly interested in it. Which I cannot knock too much as most mothers are the ones in the household that take care of such events so perhaps it just isn't a manly function.

On a final note, I agree with Miss Mannah on this matter as there is no need for CPS on this matter as the child's needs are being met by both parents however not the extent that should be in parenting standards.

Aries, I feel that you are not considering the bond that I have with the children from birth which at this point is irreplaceable. Also, other nannies would not put up with a lot of the stuff that I have in this ever-changing position.

If I didn't care about the charges, I would let them run around dirty, not clean anything and feed them whatever is in the fridge. But I do care and I want the best for them. I am honestly offended that you would post such nonsense.

Acceptable Parenting Standard said...

Gads! I must be the worst mother ever my children don't have a bath every day. They spot wash and have a bath as needed, and yet somehow they are rarely sick and sleep quite well.

They've also been known to miss a toothbrush session ,not often but it happens, sometimes it's not worth the fight.

Perhaps, you should quit being a nanny and have a baby of your own. Then you could raise your child to your specifics a bath every day, extravagant holidays & birthdays, no tv, organic foods etc.

Better yet, why don't you write a parenting book. The world is missing your expertise.

MissMannah said...

Children do not need to bathe everyday. In fact most dermatologists will tell you that daily baths are bad for children because their skin is so sensitive and baths dry it out. Like the previous poster mom said, a spot-clean and bath when necessary is perfectly sufficient. What a child does need is good hand-washing frequently to get rid of the germs he or she comes in contact with all the time. (NOT anti-bacterial hand gel!)

Attack of the parental Units. said...

Dear OP,

Its so funny on here, how people attack a poster when all they are looking for is advice.

Reflecting now back to the issue at hand, which is not directly around bath time.

Phoenix said...

well sadly they are the parents you are not. get over it or move on