Monday

Bad Move Leads Nanny in Wrong Direction

opinion 2 I did something I'm completely ashamed of and don't know what to do. I really need some advice from your readers and hope they won't be too hard on me although I know I probably deserve it. I've been a live-in for about 5mo to 3 small children and the money is the best I've ever made. MB occasionally works late and last night after I put the kids to bed DB and I sat down to watch some television. I should've said no and went to my room but I didn't. Maybe it was because I needed the attention, maybe it was because I wanted to feel powerful. MB is so demanding at times that I feel so demeaned and I guess part of me felt like I was "getting her back". (She's one of those "post-it" Mom's and it drives me crazy!) Anyway, this morning was really awkward and DB was silent, leaving for work rather quickly. Now I'm afraid of what to expect when he gets home. Please don't tell me to leave, I need this money. Should I just pretend it never happened, or should I approach DB next chance I get and say something? Please help!

157 comments:

EPA said...

All you did was watch TV? I am not sure I see the problem.

Ana said...

I guess you had sex with him, even tho you don't say anything...

Quit!!

Nanny E said...

Umm..I'm confused. Did you have sex with him, or what? If you just watched tv, then you maybe need to chill out a bit. However, if you did do something, you need to get out of that. I'm sorry, but sleeping with your employer's husband and continuing to stay in her home and care for her children is just wrong. Even if she is a bitch, be the bigger person.

Dr. Juris said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bostonnanny said...

I really never understood women( or men) who put themselves in these situations. I'm guessing you slept with him, but if I'm wrong please correct me.
Continuing on my assumption, you need to quit now. do you really think this is going to be forgotten if you pretend it never happened? Seriously, you just set yourself up for a lot of drama all targeted at you. Pack your stuff now before wifey finds out and starts plotting your murder.
Also, it's not only your fault it's the husbands. Just sad you were stupid enough to degrade yourself because this definitely shouldn't make you feel powerful. You will end up losing a good paying job and trust while MB will get the kids, house and alimony In the divorce.

If you didn't do anything but watch tv, then don't do it again and continue as always.

duh said...

OP,

did you just watch tv or did you fuck him?

If you fucked him, you should feel pretty bad about yourself.

TC said...

Just like everyone else I'm going to ask did you just watch tv or did you fuck him?

If you fucked him then you have to leave if you just watched tv then you've got nothing to worry about

Nannycaroline said...

TV is ok, any bodily contact (cuddling, kissing, sex) is not. I agree, if it was just TV, calm down. If it was more, quit. You should have thought about the great money before doing anything.

The Life Of A Nanny said...

If you slept with your employer its best to leave and hope that word doesn't get around or you could be without a job for a while. Its time to make a change in your life, and start acting like an adult and making adult decisions (if you did slept with him).

Village said...

WOW-Two people who are very angry at the MB.

You have to quit. You should have thought of the consequences before you (*)(*) the children's father.

Losing the best job and best money ever, for sex, was really dumb. Learn from this, and don't do it again. Good luck with getting a reference.

OP said...

I thought it was clear what I meant, sorry. But I was trying not to be too graphic. I wish all I had done was watch tv. DB came home and all seemed quite normal, although inside I still feel a bit awkward. I'm hoping we can pretend it never happened as I can't afford to lose this job. I learned my lesson, trust me. Every time I look into those kids eyes I feel just awful.

San Diegan said...

OP, are you for real?

What are you going to tell the MB when she finds out?
Because, we all know that she is going to find out!!!!!

Village said...

Oh sweetie, you have no idea what is in store for you. DB can't keep you around. You are a danger to him. He has already started undermining you with MB. And he has known her a long time. He knows how to push her buttons. He may even tell her you made a move on him.

You will be fired and replaced, it's just a matter of time. MB may already be thinking of starting the interview process. If not today, then tomorrow, or the day after.

You need to get out while the getting is good. Now you can still get a good reference, especially from him. He wants to see you go. The sooner the better. If you wait, you run the risk of being fired with no notice, and no reference.

Why do you think there will be no consequences?

duh said...

OP,

What you did is not something that made you powerful. I don't know why you felt that way.

I feel sorry that you are in this situation. I have heard people say before "everybody cheats."

I never have. To sleep with someone who is married, and someone who is your employer, is just plain foolish. It's not something that a good person does.

If you did this for some sort of revenge or to hurt your female employer, you are also a vengeful, bitter person, despite your bubbly, "oops" attitude.

I have found that most people see themselves as "good people." You seem to see this as just an "ooops." Well, you're not a good person. Good people do not do things like that.


What would have been much more "powerful" would to have not done what you did. It would have been "powerful" to walk away.

Nanny E said...

So, you did have sex with him?!! You still haven't said what happened..you just keep skirting around the bush with your "I'm trying to be a good writer by being over dramatic" routine. I agree with the above posters..you should feel bad, and decent, moral people don't do what you did. I don't feel a bit sorry for you.

Dr. Juris said...

You can't put that genie back in the bottle. It's out, and now you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop. (How's that for some figurative language?!?!) :)

Seriously, though, acting like it never happened may work...for a while. But you will always be looking over your shoulder, and you will likely be kicked out shortly due to the DB spilling his guts to the MB and casting you in the light of the temptress. I agree with the others--if the money was that important to you, you should have thought about that before the pants came off.

Ms.Nanny said...

The best thing that you can do right now is leave your job. Have family/friends help you move your belongings out of the house as soon as you can and in the future be a powerful person through making positive choices that are true to your value system and are not hurtful to others. You know what you did is wrong, don't do it again. Only discuss this situation with your employers if there is a chance that you may have passed along any sort of STD (if you indeed did have sex) because this is knowledge that MB needs to stay healthy (chances are she already has major problems in her marriage and knows her husband has/is cheated/cheats).

Yes, what you did was inexcusable, and the only way you can feel better about yourself is to learn from the experience, what it says about your character and never cross those boundaries again. Start fresh.

♥♥ Leslie ♥♥ said...

OP you are human and what you did was not really that great, however we ALL make mistakes and that is the trait that makes all of us human. None of us on here can judge you since we do not live in glass houses. I can tell you regret what you did and that you acknowledge you messed up. To err is to be human.

I think ALL men would sleep w/the Nanny if they could get away w/it. What man has the willpower to say NO? NONE that I have ever met. Anyway, I agree w/the other posters that eventually he will claim you seduced him and his stupid wife will believe him over you. So I would give my notice now while things are still in tact. State personal reasons and leave. Sure the money is good, but you can't stay in this job. Your Dad boss will obviously want more from you and things will get messy once emotions come into play.

This is a perfect example of why it is not a great idea to hire a pretty Nanny. Better to hire the dowdy middle-aged woman who is less qualified. Hehehehehehe.....

duh said...

Leslie,

Yes we all make mistakes. But not that one. OP messed up. Sugar coating it only makes you seem as immoral as she is.

There are mistakes, and there are dumb, hurtful, and foolish mistakes.

OP is a slut. As I said, I have never cheated on anyone. And if a nanny is pretty or not has nothing to do with this situation. This is a situation in which both people knew they were wrong and did it anyway. If OP is looking for sympathy, she isn't getting it from any intelligent person here. Just from you. That is part of the problem with many young women today: they have this supreme sense of entitlement that comes way before morals for them. You and OP are one and the same. It's becausae your parents probably raised you to be able to get and do whatever you want. "Oh, that's ok honey. You're human."

Bull shit. It's not ok. OP should feel bad. And to me, it doesn't seem like she does at all.

TC said...

MB WILL find out, they always do. Look OP just quit. Start looking and find something else and chalk this up to a lesson learned.

another nanny said...

OP, I do have some sympathy for you, because we do all make mistakes (some bigger than others) and because you have just lost a good job making good money, as well as a whole lot of integrity. I'm sure you never thought you'd find yourself in this situation, and it sucks.

As everyone else has said, your best bet is to get out of this situation as soon as possible. Eventually MB will find out and you will be screwed. In the long run you will not be able to use this family as a reference, so I'd rather have a 5 month gap in my resume than a one year gap, etc. i would also rather be proactive about finding a place to live rather than take a chance that they will fire you without notice, leaving you homeless.

Also, for the future, you may want to consider only live out jobs (or working for single moms). There will be less temptation and opportunity to sleep with the DB.

Dr. Juris said...

Duh, I'm a young woman, and I CERTAINLY don't think what she did was right. In fact, I don't know if she mentioned her age or not, but she could easily be in her thirties for all we know. I do, however, agree that this is one mistake I will never make, and I don't feel sorry for the OP at all. She consciously made this decision, and now she has to live with it. And Leslie, I don't see any remorse. I see excuses and a hurried attempt for the OP to cover her ass.

oh well said...

You need the money, but it does not sound like such a great job when you look at it.
You feel demeaned by MB, and it sounds like DB started whatever happened last night. It does not feel like you are in control of anything.
You are a live-in, which does not make it easy.
Staying will make your problem worse. Like everyone else, I think you should leave.

♥♥ Leslie ♥♥ said...

I can't believe how judgmental some of you are on here. OP admits she made a mistake and wants to move on. How dare we judge her so harshly when none of us is immune from making mistakes.

Duh...yeah...duh....you seem very stupid indeed to call OP a slut. That is a cheap shot and you should always remember whenever you point your finger at someone, there are always four pointing back at you. Try it.

RBTC said...

i will be the devil's advocate here - op needs the money and the job.

Is not the accepted principal that the one with the power - the employer- is the one with the most responsibility?

i do not think calling the OP names is helpful to helping her solve the problem

i have never done anything like that - but i am trying to imagine i did

if i needed the money i would keep my head down, my nose clean and hope for mercy in the worst case scenario

the schwarsenager mistress i believe received mercy - not that anyone of us ever deserves mercy - we can hope for it as the high road given by someone of high caliber

keep working, hope it will blow over and work to earn mercy if it's ever given - why not hope for the best?

Dr. Juris said...

None of us are immune from making mistakes, but this is one mistake I will certainly NOT BE MAKING. It's probably the easiest mistake to avoid...ever. And I see she says she's ashamed, but she never says she's sorry. She says he "probably" deserves for us to be hard on her, makes excuses like wanting to feel powerful (essentially blaming the mom for her actions) and needing attention, then talks about how she's worried about HERSELF. Never did she write in her original post or her response that she feels bad for what she did to the MOTHER.

Some mistakes are easy to make. This one? Not so much.

OP said...

To whoever asked how old I was, I'm 24. And yes, I do feel bad now. Maybe I didn't at first but when I saw those kids the next morning I felt so guilty. I want to do my best and make it up to them what I did. I shouldn't of let my resentment towards MB make me do what I did and I take full responsibility for that. DB has always been super nice to me and it just went too far. This morning everything seemed almost back to normal and if I don't lose this job I promised myself never to make a mistake like this again. I know it was stupid, believe me.

Nanny E said...

Oh please, Leslie. Give me a break. You expect us to go easy on her, just because she calls what she did a "mistake"? What if a nanny you had did that with your significant other? I don't think you would be quite so forgiving of her "mistake". No woman deserves that, even if she is a so called "post it mom". What a disgusting excuse, I mean really.

Layla said...

OP: Ignore every piece of judgmental bullshit that was spewed above. I would bet my life that every single individual who spoke condescendingly towards you in the above has made a mistake in life. You did not come to us asking to be judged, you are asking for advice. I hope every individual who responds to your post thinks about this before they write demeaning material...who are we to judge your actions? I'm pretty disappointed in the community for their lack of mature objectivity.


On that note, I feel the need to use a little of the "love and logic" principle. You chose to perform an action, and now the natural consequences must be dealt with. Nothing I am about to write is going to be easy to hear, so I apologize in advance.


Imagine how the kids will feel when they find out that the person they loved and trusted (you) broke up their family, and then stuck around to rub salt in their mothers wound. No matter how unhappy this family is, you are not a member of the family. You are disposable, and when the father realizes this, you will be gone. When the mother realizes what happened, you will be gone. Nothing we say to you here will be nearly as gut wrenching as what that mother will have to say to you. And the reality of what this will do to the children's family will follow them around for the rest of their lives. Honestly, imagine that during YOUR childhood, your nanny (or neighbor, babysitter, etc.) hooked up with your dad. And then kept hanging around the house. How would you feel towards that person?


Or imagine you are the mother - and the woman you trusted in your home, with your children (and husband for that matter) has committed the ultimate betrayal. How would you feel to find out that this person STAYED in your home, even after this had happened?


I'm not judging you. Things happen. But please make the right, compassionate, empathetic decisions now. If not for yourself or either of the parents, at least do it for the children....who at this rate will be repeating your name to therapists for the rest of their poor lives.

talesfromthe(nanny)hood said...

You have 2 options...

1) Leave now and retain the shreds of your dignity, as well as a decent reference letter

2) Leave once MB figures out that you had sex with her husband, and leave with nothing, not even a reference letter to use when you have to find another job

You screwed up, and if you stay you will make your own life a living hell, constantly waiting for MB to figure out what you did and fire you. And she will figure it out, or find out. Have no doubt about that.

And another thing to consider - are you going to be able to manage to keep your paws off DB in the future? Really? Because I bet you didn't plan to have sex with him this time, and it happened anyway.

So, IMO, if you stay for the money, and have sex with DB again, you are basically having sex for money, and we ALL know what that makes you.

If you care about the kids, get out.

alex said...

I'm sorry OP but I agree with above, you know you messed up and that is good but you need to leave. The MB is going to figure it out eventually and it is better to leave now before she does. Just think about what would happen if she found out before you left?

You know what you did was wrong and you need to own up to those mistakes and take responsibility for them. The responsible think to do in this instance is to leave. It may be a great job, making the best money you have ever made but is it really worth it knowing what you did? Can you really look those children in the eyes, love those children knowing what you did to their mother? I know it sounds harsh OP, but the best thing to do would to leave and find a new job and NEVER make that mistake again. Do not put yourself in those situations where that could happen.

I am surprised no one has mentioned this but what if DB expects this again? He could blackmail you into it so you can keep your job, then where would you be? I'd start looking for a new job asap.

world's best nanny said...

Why would someone who enjoys the money she makes screw it up somehow? Whether it comes out tomorrow or 6 months from now it will come out and you can bet Dear Old Daddy isn't gonna take the rap for this one. Leave you will never be comfortable in this home again. You will always be wondering if the axe is going to fall or even worse if you hand around it could happen again!

christine said...

While this nanny made a huge mistake I find it odd that not much is being said about the DB. What a piece of shit this guy is! He's the one who should be ashamed of himself. And, I'm willing to bet she isn't the first woman he's fooled around with behind his wife's back.

She has GOT TO LEAVE!!!!

A Mommy Nanny said...

Why is it people come here and ask for advice, but if they don't get the answer they want we all are "judgmental bitches?"

I think this has become a problem today, no one wants to be told they are wrong. Everyone wants to be sympathized with or they feel entitled. I am not a shrink, what you did was wrong so expect no sympathy from me! What you did was wrong. Your strange little power trip over the woman who hired you, pays you, and shares her home with you shouldn't give you a sense of entitlement! Are you jealous of the "post it note" wielding mom? Do you want her home, her kids and her husband? You better leave ASAP!

Nanny E said...

@ A Mommy Nanny, thank you!!!! Why should we feel even a bit sorry for this woman? I've seen families ruined by adultery, and I'm not going to pat the op on the head, and tell her "oh it's okay, everyone makes mistakes". Yes, I've made mistakes in my life..tons of them. However, I have never willingly done something that I knew would cause such pain to another person. A person who thinks that way is obviously immature and should definitely not be a daily influence on a child.

Kloe K'shian said...

Nanny E...why is everyone coming down so hard on OP? No one is coming down on the douche bag father here. Like usual, it is always the woman who gets the short end of the stick.

Yes, she made a mistake, but she totally regretted it like she stated. She is not boasting about what she did so why all the mean words??

I think anyone vulnerable caught up in such a situation could make a mistake such as this. I just feel sorry for the wife here...she has no idea. Maybe her "post-it" personality also drives her hubby crazy. LOL.

Village said...

Good Lord people. DB was always super nice to her? I'd bet the farm she isn't the first nanny he has screwed, and she won't be the last.

I disagree MB will find out. I think DB screws everything that walks, and he has been very successful in hiding it. That's why her job is toast. He had his conquest. Now she needs to go, so he can move on to the next nanny.

I'm guessing he is an expert at getting nannies fired. But at 24, it's hard to think things through. That's why youth is wasted on the young. She can't see what is coming. She is going to have to experience it for herself.

Phoenix said...

if you had sex with him you need to tell the mom and leave. You did a very bad thing and so did the husband. YOu should feel very bad about yourself. I know you made a bad mistake but you have to correct it and leave. Would you be ok if someone slept with your man and would you forgive her even if she "felt bad about it"?

You need to come clean and go away. Your punishment is you losing your job, the money, your dignity, and your honor. I don't feel bad for you. If you were my nanny I would take you on a trip to Mexico and I would be the only one coming back

TC said...

Maybe the reason no one is bringing up the DB is because in this instance it doesn't matter. Sure he's just as guilty as the op is but she's asking what to do and shes been told to move on. Why keep bringing up the father?

OP why did you ask advice here if you didn't plan on using it? You're going to stick around because the money is so much more important to you until the day the mother finds out or the father gets you fired and then you're going to bitch and moan because it's so unfair you got axed because you diddled the father.

I was 24 not that long ago, I know what it's like to be naive and you've gotten some really wonderful advice here and you should take it to heart.

robinsparkles said...

I think nobody has pointed out how sexy and fascinating the OP's problem really is. I mean, it makes a fabulous change from "This family miiight be manipulating me to do cooking, is that okay?" and "The two-year-old beats me!" I'm rather glad she posted about it, so I for one will not be berating her.

I mean, I'd rather not BE her, but her problem, at least, is the subject of semi-interesting daytime TV shows. Or Dan Savage columns. Have you tried writing him? He may be more sympathetic, and may tell you that in real life people cheat on people, and that she did not "ruin his kids' lives" by stupidly fucking their father once....

Dr. Juris said...

I will be 24 tomorrow. I would never EVER knowingly sleep with a married man. Age has nothing to do with accountability for your actions. That has to do with integrity and respect for others.

Put the blame where it belongs said...

I have a feeling that DB has messed with other nannies and MB knows about it. Maybe MB doesn't give a rats ass if he screws the nannies? SHe has been there 5 months and she really needs to give notice and NOT tell MB why.Look for another job and then give notice. I am sure MB already knows that her husband is a rat but if she doesn't it is up to someone else to tell her. You think that he isn't going to expect you to screw him again?? Think again. Get out of there and grow up while you are at it. YOU knew better and if you think screwing someones husband is ok because MB is a bitch is the way to go you really need to take a personal inventory of YOU. I don't think you made a mistake I think you saw a chance to strike back at this woman by using her husband and you took it. Get out of the nanny world, you don't belong there. Nannies need morals,something you lack.

Bostonnanny said...

Dr juris,

I agree, age has nothing to do with it. I'm 24, engaged, in the process of buying my first property and would never ever sleep with someone's partner. I have self esteem and respect. It's stupid selfish little girls living in la la land where their actions have no consequences, who make us all look bad.

OP, if you were smart you would leave tomorrow but since your an idiot I hope you get punished. I know if some tramp slept with my husband knowing he was married, I'd ruin her life and then I would ruin my husbands. And if she ever came near my kids, I'd kill her.

christine said...

The only one who actually cheated is the DB!!!! The OP is for sure guilty, but if it were me, I'd ruin my husband's life- not the nanny's. The nanny is naive and was probably preyed upon like he's preyed upon many others. He's the CHEATER! She is guilty of sleeping with a married man AND her boss- both terrible decisions yet I find her guilt and behavior less offensive than his.

If she stays, it won't be long before MB applies a Post-it note to his penis that says "Don't touch!"

MissMannah said...

OK, I'll come clean, I cheated on a boyfriend years ago. It was a huge mistake that I was stupid enough to think I could get away with not once but like 5 or 6 times. I hated myself after that, not because of the guilt of "oh I'm such a bad person" but because I knew I hurt him so much. OP, you don't seem to care one bit that you are killing this woman's marriage. Does that even matter to you?

You absolutely have to leave this job. And sneaking away, trying to leave honorably with a letter of recommendation would make you even more of a weasel in my eyes. You have done something very wrong and it is time you admitted that, not only to yourself, but also to BOTH the Dadboss and Momboss. (separately, so you don't get stuck in the middle of world war 3)

It is time for you to stop thinking about yourself and time for them to choose to fix their marriage, or not.

ohno said...

MissMannah,

:(

I really wish you had not told us that.

OP said...

I expected to be chastised and called a few names but some of you are such bitches. Threatening to kill me? I'm so tired of being treated like shit and thats exactly why I screwed her husband. I said over and over I felt guilty about it but you people want to keep pounding me into the ground. I wasn't looking for sympathy, I was just confused about what I should do. So for those wondering I spoke with a friend of mine that said I could stay with them until I find another job. I need to think this through though because I don't want to just leave them high and dry. Losing this money is really going to make leaving hard. Would it be out of line for me to privately ask DB for severance?

Tales from the (Nanny)Hood said...

I disagree that OP needs to "confess", mainly because I am fairly sure that she doesn't truly understand how much damage she's done to everyone involved and partly because I don't think OP even plans to leave until she is kicked out a$$ over teakettle.

The employers need to deal with their marriage themselves. OP is already way too involved in the drama, thanks to her "mistake". DB may be a serial cheater or he may have just cheated for the first time. Isn't really relevant to OP's situation except for the number of STD's she may now have been exposed to, know what I mean?

So, OP, what will it be? Stay and risk being sexually harassed by DB who will threaten to tell his wife you came onto him and need to be fired? Stay and risk being beeyotch-slapped by MB when she finds out what happened? Leave now with the shreds of your dignity and reputation trailing behind you? Leave when you get kicked out and have no reference at all?

You've got problems right now that you need to resolve OP. And in no way does resolving your issues include staying in your job.

Tales from the (Nanny)Hood said...

If you don't mind being asked for more sex, sure, ask DB privately for severance. Go for it!

The reason we are being so darn mean to you is because you don't seem to get it - screwing your boss brings nasty consequences. Losing all that lovely money is the first consequence, but it won't be the last one, especially if you don't get out ASAP.

And it's a little late to worry about leaving them "high and dry" - I can just imagine the discussion...

OP "MB, I am resigning. I am so sorry to be leaving you with such short notice."

MB "So why are you leaving?"

OP "..."

OP "Umm, it's for personal reasons. I would truly appreciate a letter of reference though."

MB "I will find it hard to give you a truly positive reference if you won't say why you are leaving suddenly without notice."

OP "..."

And so on...

Nanny E said...

@ Tales From The Nanny Hood..I could not have said it better myself! :) Also, ass over tea kettle is possibly the best saying I have ever heard. With your permission, I would like to use it extensively in my everyday life. ;)

MissMannah said...

Ohno, I had no idea you held me in such high esteem. I'm sorry to have let you down. #sarcasm

Tales, after seeing OP's latest gem of an update, I totally agree with you, she has no idea what she's really done. I've just always believed the wife has a right to know when her husband has cheated and I'm sure Dadboss isn't going to tell his wife anytime soon. I was hoping OP could be the stronger woman here and fess up.

OP, sure you can ask for severance pay but I wouldn't advise it. I believe that would be called "prostitution" because he'd more or less be paying you off to keep quiet about the sex. With your attitude, it seems you'd be better off making a clean break.

Dr. Juris said...

Truth, NannyHood.

And OP, you are being judged harshly because you SLEPT WITH A MARRIED MAN. And you don't feel bad about hurting a woman who obviously trusts you enough to leave you with her children (albeit with sticky notes).

And if you do have the balls to ask for severance, and the dad does give it to you, AND the MB finds out (and she will find out), you may also find yourself looking at extortion charges...particularly since the MB may be very very angry.

I would.

LouLou said...

Okay, OP, I'm going to lay it all out on the table, from my perspective. My father cheated on my mother with my nanny when I was young and it broke up their marriage. The fact that she got pregnant (later aborted) didn't help, but I saw this woman later on in my life and STILL had issues with her. It didn't matter that my dad had cheated before, I trusted her and she hurt me, because she was supposed to take care of me, not sleep with my father! If you feel guilty, good- so should he but that is besides the point. At this time, you deserve what's coming to you. Sorry that you screwed up, but there is nothing you can do about it now. Don't even think about severance pay... would you ask for it at a corporate job?!

wow said...

I'm also 24. I *almost* got involved with a married man several years ago. He was my best friend, and I was in love with him.

I'm the last person to judge, because I know how easily those things can sneak up and catch you off guard.
For most of this thread of comments, I felt bad for the OP because so many people were giving her such a hard time.

But in reading her posts more carefully, I saw that she didn't do what she did because her emotions were confused, or she was caught up in the heat of the moment. She acted because she was angry and bitter, and completely disregarded any thought about the family that she was destroying.

This line
"I'm so tired of being treated like shit and thats exactly why I screwed her husband."

Wow.

And I'm sorry, but the comment about asking the DB for severance just destroyed any last shred of sympathy I had for you. He's a sleaze-bag and deserves just as much, if not more, blame than you, but you're supposed to be a professional. I don't think you should get extra cash for sleeping with your boss.

A mommy said...

She is a stupid stupid slut. All I have to say is Karma can suck.....

Bostonnanny said...

I'm really suprised monkeyshines hasn't chimed in.

OP, no one said they are going to kill you... I just said if a woman slept my husband then went anywhere near my kids, I'd prob kill her. You didn't sleep with my husband or go near my kids, so your'll safe from me but your MB is another story.

Please do yourself a favor, pack up and leave. Maybe one day in the future you will realize the extent of your behavior. And do you truely believe you deserve severance? Come on now...you really had me going, I almost peed myself. Maybe a life as a call girl would serve you better, you get to slept with married men and you make a ton of money. I'm sure you will feel very powerful in that line of work.

Village said...

OP, I am glad you are trying to figure this out now.

First, give notice. Tell MB you've got a relative who has fallen ill, and you are needed for home care. It's a family obligation, and you can't say no. Ask her how much time she needs to find a replacement, and tell her you don't want to leave her high and dry. She will probably scream and yell, but remain quiet, and let her rant. This might even get you a reference letter. (FYI-The government will pay family members to look after other family members because it's cheaper than a nursing home. The pay is pretty good. In Cali, it's a little over 2 grand a month. So if she asks, what are you going to do for money, you can tell her it is a paid position.)

Second, don't ask the DB for severance behind his wife's back. It's unlikely he has access to a bank account outside his wife's purview. But more important, you aren't getting it, or you haven't gotten it yet. You betrayed the wife with the husband, and now you want to do it again. First it was sex, and now it's money. And I have to ask, what have you been doing with all this great money you have been making? You are a live in. You have no living expenses. Haven't you saved any money? In the future, you might want to consider banking 10% of gross for emergencies. Just a thought.

Third, start applying for a new nanny job. How did you get this one? If it was an agency, go back. If they ask why, be very careful with your answer. We weren't a good fit is always a safe start. But if you are pressed, allude to DB making you uncomfortable. Don't say he made a pass or anything happened, just say it was an untenable situation. That is very close to the truth. As close as you can get.

And fourth, honey, you've got to find your moral compass. You've lost yours. Adultery and extortion are not family values. I've never said this to anyone before, but get thee to a church, preferably one that is not a bunch of bigots. I find the Methodists generally don't need to hate to practice their religion, but somewhere somehow, you need to find moral guidance.

Good luck, and remember, real power and self esteem come from doing the right thing, especially when no one is looking.

Dr. Juris said...

I love that last quote, Village. I think I'm going to put it on my next blog.

Village said...

PS I forgot one thing. If you run into MB or DB with your new nanny position, you are going to have to say your relative died. And let that be the last lie you tell.

the truth hurts sometimes said...

Wow, why is everyone attacking you OP? Because of your comments like this,

"I'm so tired of being treated like shit and thats exactly why I screwed her husband."

It doesn't seem like you truly care that you slept with a married man, possibly screwed up a marriage and hurt children you are supposed to care for. It is really the lowest of low what you did and your reasoning seems to be you did it because she didn't treat you how you wanted to be treated.

Honestly, I wonder if this lady could possibly be the best boss ever (and really I have no idea) but you would always find reasons to hate her. Judging by your character it is possible. Sorry, that is harsh but you need to realize you aren't just getting back at someone you are potentially messing up their entire life, everything they thought they had.

Thank goodness you realize you need to leave there. To leave there is the only way to take the higher road, but please do not ask for money. You both cheated, he is as bad as you and it would be best if you stayed away from him.

Village said...

Dr. Juris-You liked that quote? Well, I have one for you.

It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to man in the arena. Teddy Roosevelt

Dr. Juris said...

Both quotes are insightful, and I agreed with much of your commentary (particularly that about Methodist churches). You addressed it in a very straightforward manner, and I respect you for that. Now I have to ask: your second quote is subject to different interpretations. Which did you intent?

Toni Brayer, MD said...

You made a mistake that cannot be reversed. It will get worse if you stay there so you must quit and learn from this. Life is long and you are NOT a slut. Good luck with moving on and having a wonderful life and never making this error again.

calcuLATER said...

OP, asking for severance money is actually rather despicable. Its essentially asking to be rewarded for causing irreparable damage to someone else's family.

The reason that everyone is bashing you, the reason that you are getting no sympathy and the reason that everyone is sitting here questioning your moral compass and your "oops" attitude, is because you do not seem to be owning up to the fact that you have essentially derailed five peoples lives.

So you lose your high paying nannying job over this? who gives a shit? you deserve to lose your job,its really a small price to pay for your actions. Because guess what DB, MB and the kids are losing? their family.

Do you know what they have ahead of them because of you? I will tell you, because I personally lived through my own parents' divorce as a result of infidelity.

The kids can expect to spend sleepless nights listening to their parents scream at each other. They might even witness some physical abuse. They may have to be uprooted from their friends and family to live else where. They will have to watch their parents fight over them the same way they might fight over the house, or a car. As soon as they find out that DB cheated, they will feel such a strong rage inside them, a rage that will last for many many years, and will never fully subside. They will cry themselves to sleep on their birthdays, when they realize that mom and dad can't pull it together enough to sit down for dinner together so that their kid can spend his birthday with his whole family. The oldest child is going to spend years internalizing her younger siblings emotions, hoping to take away some of the pain, because thats what big sisters do. The children will grow into adults who have severe trust issues, because when they fall in love, in the back of their minds they will always think "if my DAD, the one person who I am supposed to be able to trust, could break my family by cheating, how can i be sure that my partner won't do the same to me?"

And the parents? MB is going to sink into a deep, all encompassing depression. She will be have problems eating, sleeping, focusing and caring for her children, who need her more then ever right now. She will probably have to switch jobs to something far more menial than what she was trained for, what she has worked for, because she is a single mom now,with limited alimony funds, and needs to have more time available for her children. She will do her best to rebuild a home out of the painful shards that she was left with. And it will fucking suck for her.

And DB, hes screwed too. I'm sure he loves his kids, but his relationship with them will require years of time, effort, and monetary displays of affection to repair. And deep down inside, those kids will always hate him a little bit.

So yeah, OP, thats what you did. Oops. Hope your request for severance and a recommendation goes well!

calcuLATER said...

Just wanted to clarify, in case i was too harsh...you probably didn't mess up the rest of this family's lives forever, hopefully some where down the line everyone will be able to find happiness and harmony. But you and DB have set this family up for a very long, difficult emotional, battle.

Nanny Maria said...

I agree with you Christine that most of the blame lies with the father here. Period. OP does not owe her Mom Boss anything at all, but her hubby does since he made vows to his wife. I think the Father is taking advantage of a young and vulnerable girl. Shame on him. Why is everyone calling her a slut? What does that make him?

By the way, the late Great Marilyn Monroe slept w/other people's husbands, yet she is held in such high regard today amongst society as a vulnerable and sad woman. Why bash OP just because she is not famous?

OP, yes some of the posters here are bitches, I agree. You wore your heart on your sleeve and everyone wants to tear it off. Don't get mad. Just let them blow off their steam and go with the flow.

christine said...

I made my comments before OP said she wanted to ask for severance... WTF? C'mon OP... do the right thing and leave this family to lick their wounds and try to move on. There is no benefit in staying and continuing- it will fall apart and be uglier over time than it is right now.

I've been married to the same man for 27 years and have children your age... they do stupid things all the time. So, you made a mistake and the DB made an even bigger one. He is a piece of shit and right now I see you as a victim more than a participant. Stay and continue and you are as guilty as he is. Leave now and you can walk away with some dignity.

Wow (the real one) said...

wow...

You took my moniker. Please choose another one. I've been using "Wow" for months now.

OP said...

Village, thankyou for all the advice. I was just mad last night after reading those mean comments. I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me but they really hurt. I know I messed up and I wish I could take it all back. This was the best job I ever had and I'll regret what I did for a long time. As for DB and MB, they work so much they hardly have time for each other much less the kids. I'm afraid they'll be raised by nannies until their old enough to care for themselves. Thankfully so far they're smart and well-adjusted so I think they will be ok. Although I know I screwed up I promise I was good to them and just hope their next nanny treats them well, too. I plan to tell DB when he gets home from work that I'm leaving and depending on what he says I'll go from there. I have no idea how MB is going to take the news so I'm really nervous about that.

Teddy Westside said...

I try not to use the term "slut," or the term "bitch." I don't think women should be derided for having sex, or being angry. I also try not to wish ill on people. You, in this post, op, have tested my resolve not to do all three of these things.

You had sex with a man because YOU DON'T LIKE HIS WIFE. You USED him, used sex, as a form of punishment for a third party. At least that's what I gather from your original post. How the hell is this woman a victim in ANY way?!? That is a disgusting, predatorial act against MB. Just because she's female doesn't mean she was taken advantage of. Sounds to me like she knew exactly what she was doing.

oh well said...

Privately asking DB for severance? Yes, that's way out of line.

OP, I think you are brave to still come on the forum after all the hate-filled comments here.

You are brave... so stop sneaking around.
Money does not justify everything.

Nanny of One said...

Dear OP:
Do not quit your job! Seriously, you need the money correct?

There is zero reason here to quit your job, what you need to do is simply start looking at exit options.

Look for another job, and once you have done so then quit your job. Please do not just go and quit your job without having another job in place.

If anything, I think that this man should quit his marriage...

What people are missing is, are you the married person in this situation? No! Are you the employer No! Your are simply an angered employee whom made a poor decision, no reason for you to have any tears or quit.

Hold your head high, and keep earning good money while looking for another job. Prior to leaving have a private conversations with DB informing him that you did not forget what happened....

At the end of the day, a grown-ass married man took advantage of YOU! You could be naked dangling it infront of him, but the onus is on the married employer to say NO!

talesfromthe(nanny)hood said...

Nanny of one, your entire post is BS. OP made a choice to get revenge on MB (who she doesn't seem to like) by sleeping with MB's husband, aka DB.

The onus to say no in a situation like the one OP put herself in is on her. SHE made the choice to screw a married man.

And in her last post, she is still criticizing and judging MB (and DB as well), for working long hours. Here's a clue OP - if they didn't work long hours, you wouldn't be making the big money. They fund your salary through their work, get it?

And now she needs to find her human dignity and get the hell out of there before MB kicks her teeth in.

Vanessa said...

I'm sorry but put herself in what situation exactly?

She just sat down to watch TV. DB should've never made a move to begin with. People make mistakes and I won't judge you for doing what you did, but if you can't deal with the guilt, maybe you should start considering your options and look somewhere else. Especially before DB outs you himself.

Anyway, I don't judge. But I advice you to start looking elsewhere. He won't stop. It won't stop unless you stop it yourself.

Vanessa said...

"I will be 24 tomorrow. I would never EVER knowingly sleep with a married man. Age has nothing to do with accountability for your actions. That has to do with integrity and respect for others."

Ummm yeah, we'll see about that. First of all live, once you've lived you can really talk about the things you would or wouldn't do.

I wouldn't do it myself, but that doesn't mean I'm never going to do it. I don't know what's in store for me, who I'm going to meet or what the circumstance will be like. All I know is that I've never been in that situation, so I can't judge people without knowing what I would do if I was in it myself.

Dr. Juris said...

Where to begin, Vanessa? It takes two to tango, and unless we're going down a route the OP certainly hasn't alluded to, then that means there were two willing participants. One of them could have said no, and neither of them did.

Furthermore, the quote you took was out of context. People were using age as a qualifier or example of the low morals of my generation. The OP is 24 years old and she DID do this. Others were speaking about how young women had no morals, etc. Well, I'm 24 and I do. And yes, I definitely can say that I wouldn't knowingly sleep with a married man....unless I am married to him. The amount of years you've been on this Earth has nothing to do with it: as I said before, it's about integrity. And self-respect.

not wow said...

Sorry wow... I'm just a lurker to decided to post on this particular thread. I didn't know the moniker was claimed already.

Wow (the real one) said...

To those who think people are being too hard on OP, must we excuse every wrongdoing as a "mistake"? I'm amazed at how degraded some people's sense of morality is. Of course, DB is guilty, but OP is equally as guilty. She is not a victim! And DB is not the one on this forum asking for advice, that's why we're only addressing OP.

It is right not to sugarcoat wrongdoing. Speaking against it is supposed to be a deterrent so the person can feel that it is not acceptable. When people don't feel bad about wrongdoing there's no remorse, and what's to stop them from doing it again?

I'm really not trying to be mean, but I think OP is being selfish. Two posts ago, she states that provision has been made for a place to stay until she finds another job. Then she states that she doesn't want to leave them high and dry. But then the REAL issue is once again revealed when she says, "Losing this money is really going to make leaving hard. Would it be out of line for me to privately ask DB for severance?"

It seems like she's starting to come around, though, because her last post wasn't as defensive as the one before it. She's obviously processing it all, which is good. But NOTHING should depend on what DB says. Just give notice and leave.

OP, my advice is that you deal with the monetary consequences and leave. Sleeping with DB to get back at MB is self-destructive, it solves nothing, and it could have far- reaching consequences. Pray you're not pregnant and make sure you get tested for STD's in a few weeks.

You SHOULD feel bad. Feel really, really guilty. Kick yourself and call yourself names. Do all of that so you never want to feel that way again. Then repent and do some soul searching about why you acted so inappropriately. Then forgive yourself, but remember how bad that guilt felt. And then do some studying about boundaries and about appropriately expressing anger. Then maybe you won't ever do it again.

Oh, and maybe a live-in job isn't the best type of job for you. And I don't suggest that you use this family as a reference at all. If MB finds out what happened after you leave and a prospective employer calls her as a reference, that would not go well for you.

And you should pray HARD that there's no nanny cam in the TV room! You might pop up on Youtube, or as a story on a morning show! (Only half joking.)

Nunya said...

Yuck. Glad I haven't eaten lunch yet...

Wow (the real one) said...

not wow...

Thanks for understanding! I kind of like my new moniker - "Wow (the real one)". And I like yours too...lol. Why not become a regular? If you choose not to keep "not wow", let us know you are "formerly not wow"!

UmassSlytherin said...

Vanessa,

Some people cheat, and some don't. In my opinion, it is a character trait.

I can't believe this thread. so many insightful comments, especially Village and Doc. Definitely impressed with this discussion.

op: no sympathy here. I never have and I never would. Moral compass indeed: get one.

UmassSlytherin said...

Good call, Wow. I'll bet it's already got thousands of hits on youtube. (not kidding at all)

Phoenix said...

I did. I said that I would kill her. I said I would go on a trip to Mexico where I would be the only one to return.

Sorry girl but you are a bitch and a stupid one to boot. How dare you think that just being guilty is enough. It isn't. You are a skank. You knowing slept with someone elses man to be a vindictive little cunt. The DB is wrong too and he should be dealt with by MB. Hey I know. While you're at it. Why don't you blackmail DB for money so you can leave. That will bring you up to a higher standard. You are a stupid little girl. I am the same age as you and I understand what honor and loyalty are. You are pathetic and yes you make a mistake. But this isn't like accidentally spilling milk, stealing a few dollars out of a drawer, or even stealing clothes or diamonds. You made a grown up decision to be a skank and sleep with another womans man. I don't even know how you can look at yourself in the mirror. I wouldn't be able to even look at the mother ever ever again. Doesn't matter how much of a bitch she is. You need to leave. DB needs to get his too but we aren't talking to him. If we were we would have done a cyber-castration. Maybe you need to learn how to keep your legs closed.

Don't ask for opinions from people who have morals on such an immoral situation. You are not to be trusted.

Wow (the real one) said...

I disagree with those who say that no one should ever say never. It's okay for someone to say they will never do something. We as people do have control over our actions. It is possible (and wise) for people to not put themselves in perilous situations.

I have lived a while and I can say I would never sleep with a married man. If a man is married, I don't even see him in that light. He's off limits, period. If people set their boundaries based on a moral value system, they won't act unseemly. That way, who you will meet or what the circumstance will be like don't matter.

I'm not trying to be self-righteous. I'm not perfect. But it needs to be stated that it IS possible for people to control themselves. We are not captive to the whims of our passions, our passions are subject to our will, and our will is subject to what we believe.

Furthermore, acknowledging a wrong that someone committed is not judging, it's stating a fact. Yes, there is such a thing as right and wrong, and I think most people in the USA would agree that adultry is wrong.

But Phoenix...that was a bit rough!

Phoenix said...

It's not rough at all. I've seen first hand what happens to people when they get cheated on. That hurt is the worst. To make someone go through that pain all because you wanted to "get back" at them, is dirty and wrong. It was probably what you were meant to do in life OP. Your lesson here is to take the fall and learn it. And I can be way meaner than that.

Phoenixisnotattractive said...

Phoenix,
You are only 24? you look about 44.

Wow (the real one) said...

Phoenix...

I agree wholeheartedly with how wrong she was, but your delivery made my head spin...lol! Anyway, I hope OP has learned a valuable lesson, that she will accept whatever consequences that will come from making this bad choice, and that her value system will change.

MissMannah said...

Phoenix, you're only 24? I figured you were my age, I just turned 29 on Monday. You certainly don't act like a 24-year-old and while you don't look 44, you don't look 24 either.

But what do I know? I still get carded and some people think I'm still in high school!

I agree with whomever said it is ok to not say "never say never". I can say with 100% certainty that I would never ever sleep with a married man and that I will never ever cheat on my husband. OK, let me rephrase and say I'll never sleep with another man other than my husband. I thought at one point I would never cheat and then I did and regretted it so deeply that I know I could never do that again, even though I'm not with that guy anymore. A person knows her limits and for someone else to say that she doesn't is very judgmental.

PS: Happy birthday Dr Juris! :)

Don't Bash Phoenix! said...

Don't listen to them Phoenix. You're beautiful AND you look your age.

Julia said...

I have been reading this thread while my charge has been asleep and I must say that as appalled and disgusted as I am, I am VERY interested in what OP decides to do.

OP, my suggestion is that you leave as soon as you can come up with something believable, and I would absolutely leave details to the minimum. Everyone is right, MB will definitely find out and it doesn't matter if DB has done it before or if she's a bitch. That was way messed up what you did. I feel for those children so much.

After you process everything, I would also suggest that you do some personal reflection and figure out what really made you act this way. Did something happen in your own family or past relationships that messed up your line of judgement? It appears that you have difficulty expressing your emotions and do so in very destructive, unhealthy ways. I would suggest seeing a counselor (if you can afford it), but at the very least read a damn book about dealing with emotions so that you don't ruin another family, do something even stupider in the future, and destroy your own potential happiness. I would also maybe suggest not being a nanny anymore until you can sort yourself out.

Nanny E said...

Phoenixisnotattractive, wow you have quite the beef, don't you? Also, I'm 24 too! I didn't know there were so many of us in the house!

And Phoenix, good for you for putting the girl in her place. I agree wholeheartedly! Well, except for the killing part. What can I say..I'm a pacifist ;)

unreal said...

Phoenix that was probably one of the most heartless comments I've ever read. Instead of offering up some kind of advice all you did was bash the OP in one of the most classless ways I've ever witnessed. I hope you're proud of yourself.

Matthew 7:1, "Judge not that ye be not judged."

Phoenixisnotattractive, Jr. said...

unreal
It's easy for her to take shots when she's sitting in the peanut gallery.

Dying Laughing said...

Wow..who let annie biblestudy in here? Quoting bible verses..reallly?? Get off your sanctimonious high horse, yeeesh. Half of you act like you've never been in a forum. People are going to be critical..welcome to the internet

Dayum! said...

You bitches are one vicious bunch!

world's best nanny said...

Wow! I guess sex really does sell!

Dr. Juris said...

Thank you, Miss Mannah! :) It was a good one.

shocked said...

First of all Phoenix is right and shouldnt be bashed. This girl made a grown up decision and should leave. DB should be dealt with by MB but this is MB's house and those are her children. If you wanted to punish your boss like this then you should wake up an realize you are punishing her kids as well. You are not mature enough to be a nanny. Actually you are probably not mature when it comes to many things in life. If you feel "ashamed" do the right thing and leave.

Layla said...

Okay for a group of people who focus their careers around the wellbeing of children, I am amazed at this conversation. This is called CYBER BULLYING. I'm assuming most of us are adults, so for the love of whatever you believe in, begin acting like it. There are so many people attacking others on such a personal level here, its disgusting.


Phoenix, I just have to say, it astounds me that you could call a complete stranger a cunt and say you would kill her and then go on to object to HER moral standards? Interesting strategy.


And did someone seriously call another person Annie Biblestudy? Beyond rude.


Have we lost all sense of right and wrong because one nanny banged the boss? This is the internet. We have NO IDEA who is responding to our posts/readings our posts/reacting to our posts. Before you threaten or condemn someone, realize you have NO IDEA what their lives are like.


If we read about a group of kids who were telling other kids on the internet they were bitches, cunts, sluts, etc. and going to come back from Mexico without them/kill them/etc. we would be appalled. In my opinion, it is so much worse coming from adults in the profession we claim to be in.


OP: Once again, ignore all the shit. Yes, you screwed up, yes your reasoning behind it was screwed up. Yes, asking for severance pay = not such a great idea. Get out of the job, move on with your life. Anyone on here who threatens your life is completely deranged. Ignore them.


And ps: MissMannah: good for you for being secure enough in yourself and your life for sharing your story.

Shocked said...

Layla,

I completely agree with you in terms of the Cyber Bullying, but realistically speaking, do you honestly believe this is a place to go vent with the intentions of receiving compassionate answers? If she is not a strong enough person to have enough morals to say no (this is assuming he initiated the encounter all together and she didn’t begin the flirting to open the door for him) then she should not expect to stay in the house just because she needs the money. As much of a POS DB is, I truly hope that MB never finds out, because as hurt as she is going to be, the ones who will suffer the most are the kids. If I knew who she was and I was looking for a nanny, I wouldn’t even let her step foot in my door. If she wants to work around kids, let her be a teacher where the mother doesn’t have to worry every time she leave the house.

Psyber Chica said...

Umm...what if the MB finds out and kills nanny in an emotional rage?

Somewhere in all of the above, there is some good advice. Nanny, you should leave the job ASAP!

Phoenix said...

ya. I do look 44 in that picture! lol. That is really funny. I am going to have to change it when I actually have time. And get a real photo done. actually people think i'm still 17. I get carded for cigarettes still. I was even asked by a cop once what I was doing out past curfew. Like i said when you take a picture of yourself when you've only gotten 2 hours of sleep and were crying the entire night before. You aren't going to look like a beauty queen. LOL That's too funny. Yes I am still young. I don't understand why I have to keep explaining why my picture looks so bad. Perhaps I didn't really understand the level of stupidity that affects many of those who dwell here.

Phoenix said...

And too. I did offer the OP advice. I told her to leave.

I do have a lot of haters here. LOL. I say something and they just start coming out of the sewers. Obsession comes in many forms. Weirdoes

I think my next picture is going to be one of my butt mooning everyone. (Not really cuz i don't think I could get away with that for too long) but it would be funny. LOL

Laughter is what makes life worth living. Lighten up people. And I don't know if you noticed that no matter what you say to me you can't insult me. I am my biggest critic. So for your own sake stop trying to bash me. It makes you petty.

karma said...

OP, your friend said it was ok to stay? I guess there isnt that much morale there either. The nasty comments are exactly why "you screwed her husband anyway?" Cyber bullying or not you really have no clue. And one day Karma will bite you in the ass 3 fold and when it does and you are sitting and crying about your life you can look back and remember this situation and then truely understand what you have done.
For every 1 nanny job there are 20 applicants so believe me if you give your 2 week notice now, the family will find a replacement. A good trusted nanny is hard to find, but you have proved you are not one anyway. If you choose not to leave you are only enabling the situation to happen again and if it happens again, will you still feel bad? Or will you continue to wait until you get caught by one of the kids or MB?
Do yourself and this family a favor...Pack your shit and leave.

Was_once_young_and_naive said...

OP I was in your shoes, sorta

My best friend was married and I was 19. Because she and I spent a lot of time together he and I also became friends, at her insistence. If we had plans to hang out with a few people and she had to cancel she insisted her husband and I still go (there was always at least one other person there) Eventually he and I became pretty close and it got to the point that he was confiding in my things he should have been telling his wife. When he got a raise he told me first, when his mother called him sick in the hospital he called me first. I was young and naive and should have seen the red flags but I didn't. One night I was at their house helping them clean up after a flood and she was at work. We were drinking and he took advantage of me. I told him no but he was much stronger than me and he pinned me down on the floor. Within about a month he started telling her things about me, basically painting me in a bad light and it wasn't very long before I was no longer friends with her.

I would imagine DB will do something very similar to you if you do stay and it's much easier to walk away when you've already got a job lined up then to wait for them to fire you. I don't think severance pay is appropriate in this situation, you need to just get out asap

Phoenix said...

Was_once_young_and_naive

this is not the same situation. YOu were technically raped by your friends husband. I hope you know that. You did nothing wrong. I have a male friend who confides in me and tells me things about his wife. He wanted to leave his wife for me. But I am married too. He makes tons of money and he couldn't understand why I wouldn't leave my husband for him. I told him that i don't care about money and that I am still in love with my husband after 10 years. Some men try to get me but they can't. I don't put myself in situations where I can be taken advantage of or even where there could even be a thought of suspicious activity.

You were young and you were betrayed by him. You replaced his wife because it sounds like she wasn't around that much. But you didn't make a decision to screw him. He raped you from what it sounds like. The OP wasn't raped. She knowing slept with this man. I'm sorry that you went through that. But I will say that you did NOTHING WRONG. I think you know that. But the OP's situation is not like yours.

Young_and_Naive said...

That's why I said sorta. What I was getting at is he turned against me after the fact and did all he could to turn his wife against me and that's probably what the DB will do if the OP sticks around

Phoenix said...

Oh yes. For sure the DB would do that. He would probably even go as far as telling the wife that the OP came on to him if she doesn't continue to put out.

robinsparkles said...

How much do you bet that this man is not somewhere on a forum agonizing about how he slept with his nanny and how now he has to either fire her or leave because he can't look at her with his kids anymore?

I think a lot of the "slut" comments people are posting are a great example of how institutionalized sexism is - how men are seen as helpless, powerless, unable to control their urges, and how women are supposed to be the guardians of morality, the keepers of the vagina. The nanny is not innocent, sure, but she isn't the Angel in the House either. Some of you might as well be crying "WITCH! WITCH!"

I mean, Dad Boss might be John Proctor here, but she certainly isn't a manipulative evil little Abigail either. (These are references to a play written by Arthur Miller, one of the many married men Marilyn Monroe slept with.)

Weirrrd said...

The Crucible? What a weird and obscure tie in to what you were saying

robinsparkles said...

What? No, it isn't. I mean, the wife may not be Elizabeth Proctor, but it still sort of thematically stands...Arthur Miller wrote it as John Proctor being basically good but then corrupted by that evil slut Abigail.

And then all the little girls cry witch, which is a lot like what I see happening on this forum.

MissMannah said...

WTF Robin? Some people have said some weird things on this forum, but that might be the weirdest one right there. I loved The Crucible, but I really don't see how it fits with this situation.

I highly doubt DB is off agonizing over his decision on a forum somewhere. He is probably patting himself on the back for being the man and trying to figure out how to get into the nanny's pants again.

Bostonnanny said...

Robin sparkles,
First, I like your moniker :) second, no one said the husband was corrupted by the nanny and is not at fault. He definitely owns the majority of the responsiblity in this situation but the nanny in question is not a victim at all. She participated in this act of adultery freely and as an act of revenge. She owns a lot responsibility for her behavior. She can not, nor can anyone say based on the information she provided that she is a victim of the advances of the husband. She is neither truely sorry for actions nor realizes the damage she has caused.
In my eyes a slut is someone who knowingly sleeps with someone in a relationship or has multiple one night stands. They are not taking advantage and are well aware of what is going on.

robinsparkles said...

I concede that The Crucible is not a perfect analogy. (But hell, I've had wine. English majors get silly while drinking. Don't worry, it's ten pm my time and I'm not currently watching children, or driving.)

Here's another one, then: if Barney Stinson were a woman, he'd be an evil, immoral slut. I realize it's a fictional show, but do you think he really checks to make sure nobody he fucks is married? Even if they were asking for it?

I'm just saying that I think this community is being super judgmental to someone who, although she may not be groveling properly, asked for help - not judging.

Also, not to hammer it into the ground, but just to state it once more... I don't think the same kind of judging would be going on if she were male. If a manny fucked the wife, there'd be more in the order of virtual high-fives than some seventy-odd comments of high-roaded condemnation.

Nanny E said...

You seriously think that a group comprised mostly of women would be giving "virtual high fives" just because it was a guy? Maybe if this was Maxim or something. My personal opinion is that cheating is wrong..regardless of if you are male, female or alien.

MissMannah said...

Sorry darling, your analogies still aren't working. Barney Stinson doesn't have to change genders to be considered a slut--he already is one. Men can be slutty too, you know. Boston's definition of a slut was an excellent one and OP fits the bill. Of course, I am not going to call her one because I don't believe people should tear each other down if they can help it. I also don't believe in the concept of evil, but that's an entirely different matter.

But I would like you to pour me a glass of your wine. You seem to be enjoying yourself! :)

MONKEYSHINES said...

Been there done that and got a condo!

Their marriage was over before she slept with him!

Phoenix said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Phoenix said...

In cheating there is no right party. They are both wrong. Unless the man or woman rapes the other one there is a mutual sexual event taking place. AND they are both responsible. Like i said if the man were on here he would be going through a cyber castration right now.

English major or not you sound like a fool trying to spill intellectual BS over the internet. Your similes are in fact stupid. And drinking is not a reason to do something. You must be one of those women who sleeps with other men and think it's ok blame drinking on the event. YOu blamed driking for your ill comparisons so you must do the same in other areas of you life.

Nanny E said...

It's always a magical time when people can have a mutual sexual event together. ;)

robinsparkles said...

Oh, I so wish people were actually like this in real life. I love going from talking about the Crucible to responding to crazy personal attacks in two posts flat...

thanks phoenix said...

Well, up until Phoenix's little tirade of bashing the OP we were getting updates from her. I guess Phoenix scared her off.

Oh, and I'm glad to see monkeyshine weigh in! lmao! Somebody upstairs was just asking where you were. Hey girl, tell us what you really think about everything that happened here. If I remember correctly, this was your area of expertise.

Dr. Juris said...

I don't think the OP has much more to say. More than likely, she will not quit her job, the cycle will repeat itself, and she will feel even less bad. I didn't get the vibe that the OP was that sorry, and I doubt she is willing to sacrifice the money she makes for her honor. Phoenix has nothing to do with that.

thanks phoenix said...

Nah, I believe otherwise because OP was keeping us up to date on what was going on. Her last post said she was going to tell DB. I sure would've loved to know what happened last night. Whether or not OP was truly sorry she did say she felt guilty so maybe she did really leave. I'm just curious about the aftermath and whether or not some sparks flew yesterday, you know? I wish I was a fly on the wall in that house!

silly said...

No OP feels guilty but not sad. She is the type that blames everything on low self esteem. Cuz clearly that's an excuse for sleeping around. Until she accepts responsiblity and acknowledges that what she did was wrong and she CHOSE to do it, she'll probably continue in this cycle. I have little sympathy for people who blame their actions on low self esteem. It is really pathetic.

Phoenix said...

actually they weren't similies. They were metaphors my bad. I am very very tired with some stupid virus

MissMannah said...

I don't even think she was blaming it on low self-esteem. It seemed more like she was kind of placing blame on the parents. "That woman is such a bitch, she had it coming." That sort of thing, and it is even worse that blaming it on low self-esteem.

Either way, you're right she's not really sorry and that sucks for her. It shows she has a poor character. But I don't know if she's left the job or not. She really was acting like she was going to in her last update. She seems like a very selfish little girl to me, and one that isn't quite in touch with reality just yet. I hope she gets her head on straight, gets out of the nanny profession for awhile and finds happiness eventually. It's possible.

Phoenix said...

im scary... muuuuhahahahahah

Vanessa said...

Umm Dr. Juris,

You can say all you want, how you would never do this or you'd never do that. It's not about integrity or self-respect. Sometimes one can find themselves in situations where both things will be thrown out of the window (like OP and those who have hooked up with their DBs or other married people).

What I'm saying is, nobody is perfect. And we can't sit on our high horses, because none of us know what's going to happen in the future. What she did is absolutely wrong, and yes I agree that it takes 2 to tango, but he could've stopped at at any point. It wasn't all on her. If anything, he's the bigger POS, because he's the one emotionally attached to this person. He made the commitment to her. She loves him.

Dr. Juris said...

Ummmmmm Vanessa,

You can, in fact, talk about what you would never do, particularly when it involves a conscious decision. I will never get a sex change. I will never own a Hummer. I will never marry a woman. See? It's easy. And because I make the conscious decisions regarding these things, I will never do them. While changing circumstances are all fine and dandy, there are certain things someone can definitely say they will never do. Other decisions, you may be right about, such as those others make for you. But as far as your own, personal, conscious decisions....you MAKE THOSE.

Sleeping with a married man to get back at his wife shows a lack of integrity. Sleeping with any married man that you KNOW to be married shows a lack of integrity. It is, in fact, about a lack of integrity. Yes, he could have stopped at any point. BUT SO COULD SHE. I'm not putting it all on her (go back and read my posts), but she's the one who came on this board, so she's the one whose actions I will primarily speak to. I have already said the dad is a piece of shit....and I think she is as well. Yes, he made the commitment to her. But the OP made a CONSCIOUS decision to do what she did. Then she invited opinions, which I gave. I've not called her a slut or anything of that nature because I don't like to call other women morally degrading names, although I think she committed a morally degrading act on another unsuspecting woman and, for that, I will stick to gender-neutral terms of art: she is an asshole. Plain and simple.

Yes, we've all made mistakes, but doesn't a mistake generally require some sense of guilt or a lack of knowledge about what you are doing is wrong? OP has neither, and she even went as far as considering extorting the father for severance pay. That makes her an even bigger asshole.

I'm not on a high horse. I can see exactly how this played out safely on the ground.

Village said...

Oh your horse is high, my dear.

Can we all back the (*)(*) off, and see if OP checks in? I am concerned she was thrown out. I would like to know she is alright. Even if she decided to stay, I would still like to know.

UmassSlytherin said...

I hate it when I go away for a couple of days and miss this stuff.

Phoenix, I am not impressed with the comments about you. You look very attractive to me. I mean, I don't like chicks, I'm just saying.

to "phoenixisnotattractive:" are you twelve years old? Grow up!!!!

Bostonnanny said...

Anon,

Don't let these random, attention seeking posts sway you from hiring a nanny of you can afford one. For every horrible nanny story, there are hundreds of happy, loving stories that don't get shared because ppl find them boring.

If you take anything from these posts, its to not hire a live in and to know your husband very well lol

MissMannah said...

You must be the same Anonymous who just told the other girl to lie to her fiance. Wow, you're just brimming with good advice today, aren't you?

Dr. Juris said...

It takes the wife finding out to undermine a marriage? Agree with Mannah.

dunno said...

actually phoenix, i don't find you "scary". in fact, you made me laugh a couple of times tonight. so thanks!

AussieNanny said...

I'm appalled. Not only by the OPs actions, but more-so by the disgusting comments directed at her. Out of 136 comments, I can count on one hand the ones that give decent advice and steer clear of the name-calling & judgmental pettiness. I do not agree with her actions, but I thought this site would be a safe place for nannies to discuss their stories/issues/etc. Clearly I was wrong. Regardless of what she did, in a time where bullying (cyber or not) is rampant among our youth, these comments could be potentially damaging. If any young nannies read these comments, I'm sure they'll think twice before posting entries on here....whether they're happy OR drama filled posts. I know I have!!

Manhattan Nanny said...

We don't all share the same moral standards, or ethical values. Most of the responders clearly differ with the OP as to the seriousness of her transgression. I think we can all agree however that maturity, good judgment, and trustworthiness are vital qualities for a good nanny. Therefore, I am urging the OP to find a job in another field.

Are you kidding? said...

Look, simple facts here, both the OP and the DB are in the wrong here. Both did something wrong OP for what she did with herer boss, knowing he is a married man, and DB for cheating. Simple. blaming one over the other is just stupid. At 24 I'm sure the OP knows right from wrong, and so does the DB.

My advice, Leave, find a new job, and move on, hopefully learning from this.

MissMannah said...

I just don't get it--what happened to adults having a thick skin? If someone did something really wrong, like this OP, I think she deserves to be berated for it. SHE is the one who came here WITHOUT remorse for her actions. I find that appalling, and apparently so do quite a few others. If OP had an entirely different attitude about this situation, I bet you'd see a lot more sympathetic responses to her. Of course there'd still be a lot of name-calling because you can never get away from that but who really cares? Since when are childcare workers supposed to be Little Mary Sunshine 24 hours a day? I've seen time and time again people say "I can't believe a group of nannies would have such bad attitudes," well maybe this is how we vent because we are always putting our best faces on at work.

Phoenix said...

No one has thick skin anymore. You can't call someone a cheat even though they cheated. You can't call someone a theif even though you see them with their hand in the cookie jar. I guess its called cyber bullying. No one gave a shit when it was done to me. So you shouldn't give a shit when it was done to the OP. The only diff is I don't give a crap what people over the internet say. Hell, MissMannah has even been "cyber bullied" To be real almost all the posters here have. GET OVER IT.

The OP is a cheating skank - proof is in what she told us. If someone is too sensetive to be online then push that little button to turn off the computer. That way the scary internet monsters won't get you. Maybe you should even go as far as putting a pillow case over the monitor so the monsters can't see you sleeping!

TC said...

Aussie, if you go back and read for the most part the posts were ok and offered good advice UNTIL the op came back and said she was staying because the money was good then it went down hill.

When someone asks you for advice and you give it only to hear them say they aren't going to take your advice and you realize they never really wanted advice how would you feel? Would you still coddle them?

Ignored... said...

I don't get it...the sheepskin uggs boots thingy got to stay, but my comment got deleted. Sucks. ◄

Ignorance of some... said...

I think Phoenix needs a serious makeover as well as stop being so angry. She made a mistake, just like your parents made the mistake of having you (you were a waste of a sperm cell)...

ALSO, are you an actual nanny because you are on here 24/7, if you are I feel sorry for the kids that do have you as a nanny

Phoenix said...

See that is what I am talking about. Cyber Bully... maybe I should go cry now.

Oh wait. that's right. I don't really give a F**K. LOL.

No I am not a nanny. I used to actually enjoy the stories on this blog. I've been here for almost three years. We used to have nice, educated, and inspiring conversations with nannies with morals and real problems that were not self caused. It hasn't been that way in a long time. *Sigh* Perhaps one day Santa will give us all the gift of happiness so the world can be made of marshmallows and candy again. Tra la la la la.

I do look after my step-son though and he is the best child I have ever seen in my entire life. He is 11. He wakes himself up every morning, gets himself in the shower, gets himself dressed and out the door to the bus. He comes home from school does his chores and his homework and AFTER he does all that he can do whatever he wants. He is the most responsible and respectful kid. I am very proud of him. I don't coddle him when things get tough. And we make him stick to his own decisions.

for example: two years ago he was being a snot. He was talking back and just being rude. His dad and I were trying to ask him what he wanted for Christmas. He replied "I don't want anything! I hate it here. I don't care!" I think we were trying to make him clean his room. So we aaked "Are you sure you don't want anything for Christmas?" He got all cringe faced and sternly said "NO!" So we told him "you are making this decision. You are telling us this. When Christmas comes and you don't have anything and all your friends have toys and you don't, you will understand that it is your fault because you said all these things. We didn't say anything. Your decision." We asked him once more practically begging him to not say it. He did. "I want nothing."

well along came Christmas and he got nothing. His birthday is in January so he just got all his gifts then on his b-day. but ever since then he has NEVER said anything that he doesn't want to come true and he holds up and owns up to everything. Life lesson. When you say something, you must stand by it and don't get yourself into shit you can't get yourself out of. Now we have a respecful child. It was hard on everyone on Christmas morning, but he didn't cry or complain. He knew he fucked up and he hasn't since then.

Marypoppin'pills said...

Ignored,
I haven't had the luxury of sitting on the blog deleting comments the past 2 days so that is the only reason the Ugg comment was up longer than yours.

MissMannah said...

Phoenix, that story made me want to cry! Good for you and your husband for sticking to your guns, I would have caved. I am way too much of a softie, but I really hope I can "man up" when I have kids of my own.

And for all of you who think I am a cyber-bully...I invite you to read Ignorance's "waste of a sperm cell" comment. Now THAT is bullying, I would never say anything so revolting, at least my comments try to be constructive criticism.

bostonnanny said...

Phoenix,

That is exactly the way I hope I handle a situation like that when I have children. But my fiancé is a little bit of a push over so I don't know if he could do it.

I come from a spanish family and we criticize each other all the time, its almost cultural for us. We all know we love each other and would jump in front of a train but we don't feel the need to sugar coat or dumb down our opinions. If you did something wrong, you did something wrong and there are no excuses. It took my fiancé a very long time to figure out that we didn't hate each other or were generally mean people. He finally realized our family dynamic from reading a page about my nationality in his school book "ethnically and family therapy" it was quite hysterical listening to him read an excerpt explaining why my family criticized. It was like a little light bulb turned on above his head.

bostonnanny said...

oops i meant "ethnicity and family therapy"

Phoenix said...

boston,
my husband is Mexican and that is how he was raised. I am Irish and that is how I was raised too. The Irish Mexican dynamic works so well because culturally they really aren't any different. The Irish even fought with the Mexicans during the Spanish-American war and a lot of Irish stayed in Mexico. That is why some of them are redheads with pale skin. Our cultures are rough. We we fight and we are generally hard people but we love eachother enough to teach lessons that will be useful. it does no one any good if you can't teach children about life. The world is not a nice place. tough love when it's needed. To quote George Lopez "Why you crying?" LOL

He actually felt really bad what he had to do. I told him to be firm because if he gave in then his son would never respect his word.

I understand exactly where you are coming from. 110%

Bostonnanny said...

"why you crying" is the quote of my childhood. I'd fall, get a bandaid and if I continued to cry my family would give me a funny face while saying it. If my boyfriend dumped me, got into a minor car accident, robbed etc I'd get the same response.

You cry for the dead (but only for a short period of time of course lol) and nothing else. Life is to short to be spent crying over everything. You grow a backbone and be thankful what you have.

Bostonnanny said...

Not surprising, I can only relate/ get along well with black and irish ppl. Unfortunately, my fiancé is a swedish/ English mutt who doesnt quite get mentality on certain issues but he balances me out and I love him for being everything I am not.

Phoenix said...

Ah yes. The Swedish. they are fun. Interesting about the blacks though. My husbands family. and all the other hispanic families we know especially my step-sons mother's family who are here illegally from Mexico DO NOT like black people. The men that I know in the cartels they won't date black women, they won't even date a woman who has been with a black man. It is the strangest thing I've ever experienced because my family isn't racist. But boy they sure are. It must be the region. The soranos do not like them at all. My husband tho is from Minnesota and is 100% chicano so I don't think my theory is correct about the region being the blame. I personally feel that it is more on an individual basis. But I only know hispanics. other than my Irish family they are the only other human contact i get.

My husband is a boxer and his gym is run by a man from Mexico and he won't allow black people in the gym. They don't trust them. This is all what has been said from them. They have tought my step-son to be slighlty racist. Which is unfortunate. I told him color doesn't matter and it's what's on the inside that counts. then I hear some other kid in gym say. Ya as long as it isn't black insides. *cringe* i've never seen this type of racism before. And it isn't white on black. I never knew there was the hatred. But some other guy from the gym stated some really other horrible things that I won't even say here because they are just so awful. It was a shocker.

Bostonnanny said...

I'm Cuban and they hate Mexicans and any Hispanic from central America. Basically the old schoolers think central Americans are dirty, uneducated and scum of the earth. They also don't like blacks and most cubans are republicans! Any who it's really all ignorance and my generation is changing their views. My grandma always told us we couldn't marry white or black, my aunts are both married to Irish men so now it's okay to marry and my grandma who is 80 loves them now. Go figure.

I tend to relate a lot to African americans because their culture is very similar and they have gone through a lot of the racist shit I have growing up. My best friend is a southern black man in the army :)

Hatred is learned and the best thing you can do for your stepson is to expose him to different cultures, parts of the country and allow him to form his own opinions. When you grow up in a very culturally isolated area, it's hard to see outside your own beliefs.

Village said...

I have a feeling the OP stayed. I think the DB probably told her not to quit, no need to do that, so she stayed. And that is her right. She is 24, and she can stay if she wants to.

I hope she lets us know. We gave her such a hard time, she probably thinks if she says she stayed, the abuse will start again, and she is probably right.

She can redeem herself. I think we all made horrible mistakes in our 20's. I know I did. And I was twenty frickin' seven when I screwed up, and I paid the price, and I didn't do it again.

UmassSlytherin said...

Phoenix: I actually remember you talking about your stepson a couple years ago if I'm not mistaken.

You sound like an excellent parent: good for you!

Phoenix said...

UmassSlytherin

Thank you for the compliment. I don't get a lot of those.

:)