Advice Needed for Potty Training: Part Two

Photobucket I just wanted to give everyone an update on how the potty training is going. I had a talk with the dad and we both agreed no more pullups, from the day she has started big girl panties she has had accident after accident. I have tried making her go every 30mins, even every 15mins, I have even let her decide for herself when she has to go, nothing is working. Yesterday was it for me, she pooped twice in her panties and didn't say a word, the second time (I didn't know she went) so I sent her to the bathroom to go potty and she ended up getting it all over herself and my bathroom. I had to give her a shower because having her clean herself was just making a bigger mess. I sent her dad a text to let him know what was going on and I told him that if he didn't get serious about potty training her, he was going to have to find somewhere else for her to go because I can't have her peeing and pooping everywhere. He tells me "big changes are coming, I'm going to take away all her toys and she has to earn them back by going on the potty". He is such a BSer, he swears up and down that when she gets home he puts her in panties and she stays dry. Everyday he asks me how she did with potty training, after I tell him the truth (I am not going to sugar coat it) He asks me questions like it was my fault "did you make her go every 30mins? was she playing? was she napping? Then he tells me "maybe she doesn't realize she has to go poop" Really?!? because you swear up and down she goes in the potty at your house, so she can recognize when she has to go at her house but not at mine. Doesn't make sense to me. He is making excuse after excuse, the other day he told me "well I read that a lot of girls are not potty trained till about 6 or 7" I wanted to say where the hell did you read that at?

So today, the day after we had a talk and he told me "I am going to take away all her toys" (which of course he didn't do), we decided on doing a potty chart. He brings me a chart with stickers and tells me every time she goes on the potty give her a sticker and for every sticker she gets a piece of candy. I ask him how she did the night before and he tells me oh she pooped her pants but went pee in the potty so she got a sticker. Then he goes with the whole "maybe she doesn't know she has to poop story" I don't get it, I don't think she should get a sticker unless she stays dry all day. He also brought her in pull-ups and when I told him I was going to have her go on the potty every 30mins he tells me "well she is in a pull-up so she can go every hour" I wanted to scream at him that I don't give a @#$% that she is in a pull-up, the whole point is to get her potty trained. I am going to try this method for a few weeks and if things do not improve, I am going to have to tell him to find someone else. I hate to do this because she is a sweet girl, but I have so much planned for the summer including outings with the kids and when she poops in her pants I have to stop whatever I am doing and cater to her because if I let her do it herself she will make a mess.

I will keep you guys updated on how everything is going.


pgh nanny said...

I remember reading your first post..that's insane..did Dad ever talk to the pediatrician-maybe there is a physical problem?

If it were me I wouldn't all of a sudden punish her by taking her toys. While she may make a mess, I would make her undress herself then I would help her clean up, then have her get her clothes back on. She will realize its a pain when she is dressing and missing out on activities. I would not expect her to remove the spoiling.

I am sure its frustrating..

TC said...

Maybe she simply isn't ready to be potty trained.

I worked in daycares in the 2yr old room for 8yrs and I would get frustrated from time to time with kids that wouldn't go and I just finally had to realize that not all kids are ready to be potty trained when I wanted them to.

I would say also because the father doesn't really seem to be interested in helping his kid potty train then you're fighting a losing battle.

If you're that adamant that she needs to be potty trained then I would have them find another place

TC said...

Yes I'm aware the kid isn't 2 but that doesn't mean anything, kids learn how to walk at different ages, kids learn how to talk at different ages, for this kid it very well might be something she can't do yet.

I have a cousin who when she was 5 and 6, oh yes in Kindergarten and first grade, who wasn't potty trained simply because she had lazy idiot parents and she went to school in pull-ups every day. Yes it's not ideal but it can and does happen and she wasn't shunned for it.

i said...

My cousin wasn't potty trained until right before he started Kindergarten! But he was ready to be potty trained because every time his diaper was off, he would hold everything in! He'd stay dry/poopless until parents either made him go or put his diapers back on.

ALSO, I've heard that girls potty train much faster/earlier than boys! I work with 15-23 month olds and in the past year, I've had TWO 1-year-olds go on the potty. (We keep a plastic potty in our room just in case we get early potty trainers. Or we take them over to the 2's/3's room to try their mini toilets). Kids don't move up to Preschool unless they're potty trained. Some have moved up still in pull-ups though. They're not all going to learn at the same age =] But regardless, by the time they're 4, they are ALL potty trained.

Mom of a Stool Holder said...

Is it possible that she is constipated due to holding her stool? If she is a stool holder her bms can truly come out when she doesn't know it (encopresis) because her bowel becomes stretched over time or it is leaking around a harder compacted stool. Does she pee in small amounts frequently or large amounts at longer intervals? Small frequent pees can be a sign of constipation because of the pressure the stool in the intestines puts on the bladder. My daughter is a stool holder, so although she is potty trained, we still deal with accidents at 5 1/2 years of age.

The best article I have read online about potty training refusal is one called "Toilet Training Problems: Underachievers, refusers, and stool holders." By Barton D. Schmitt, MD. The method causes you to stop reminders and punishments for older kids. You don't give items but instead give an immediate privilege upon using the toilet. Google it and see if the method works for you.

world's best nanny said...

OMG! Has it been 16 years? Yep he will be 16 tomorrow! Wow! OK when he was 2, 3, 4, and 4 1/2 he was a stool holder. If and when he did manage to squeeze out a pebble he'd always do it in his underpants. I'd make him wash out his underpants and he would begin vomiting, so the small mess became a huge mess. One day he was in a fetal position, couldn't straighten out, couldn't walk, and was running a fever. I called 911 and then the parents. I suspected his appendix and I was right. Since the appendix is a blind pouch located in the intestines, I began to wonder if it became filled with stool. I never found any medical evidence to prove it, but I still wonder.

Tales from the (Nanny)Hood said...

Time to fire the dad. Give him his 2 week notice tomorrow, and find another child to care for ASAP.

Yes, it could be that this little girl has x, y, or z medical/social/psychological issues, but if the disruption she is causing is limiting your ability to care for the other kids in your daycare, then you need to stop trying to help and force her dad to own the problem.

Good luck!

Just My Two Cents Just Now said...

Like someone above just stated, unless you have Dad's cooperation in this, you will be fighting a losing battle. Everything you do during your shift, will just be a waste once you return her to her Father.

Give Dad your notice and start looking for another family or babysit for OP. Perhaps if Dad sees how serious this issue is for you, he will try harder.

Best of luck to you all.

leave. said...

definitely find another job, because it seems you are all set with this one.

I don't believe in forcing a child to potty train if they are not ready. I have a special needs child who is almost potty trained. She will turn 5 soon. I am assuming this child is not special needs, but still: all children learn at their own rate, and at the end of the day, you are not the parent.

If you can't work out the system that they are using (no matter if you agree with it or not or even if it's not a system at all) you are not a good fit for this family, and vice versa.

good luck!

leave. said...


Mom of a stool holder has it correct: you will never get anything out of this child by giving punishments. It just doesn't work with toilet training. Not that I've ever tried: I would never punish a child for not being toilet trained. But I hope OP takes this advice. It will never get better unless positive reinforcement is given instead of negativity. It seems as if OP has a great deal of negativity that she is sending out.

MissMannah said...

I remember your first post and I was one of several who said she should go to a doctor and see if there is a physical problem. It sounds like the dad hasn't taken her and it also sounds like he is really inconsistent. This situation is obviously not improving and I doubt it will. You've tried threatening the dad but it hasn't worked, he's not on board with training, it is out of your hands. It sounds like you have a home daycare rather than you're a nanny (correct me if I'm wrong) so you probably have several other families to worry about and you can afford to cut this one loose.

Yall are going to completely disagree with me, but I do believe sometimes you do have to gently punish a child in order to get the point across. I had one boy who refused to poop in the toilet because he didn't want to (his exact words) and so after awhile I just had to tell him that if he continues to poop in his undies, he's going to have a time out. Not even 10 minutes later he did it again and I sat him in his time-out chair in his dirty undies and he was shocked that I followed through with it. Then I made him wash out his pants. And he never purposely went in his pants again. Occasional accidents don't count, I'm talking when the child is being outright defiant.

SeeHowBrightWeShine said...

Gross! Daddy's gonna have a heck of a time finding someone to care for his daughter....maybe once he realizes that, he will enforce the potty rule. He probably still has her sleeping in a crib and drinking bottles too!
I feel sad for this child! She NEEDS a firm hand (and so does Dad)!
Good luck OP!

OP w/ an update said...

OP here. I just wanted to give an update. As of today, I will no longer be watching this little girl. This was not my doing. Last week I was closed on Monday, Tuesday I get a text in the after-noon (He was suppose to bring her at 6:30am) that she will be out all week. Today I sent him another text around 6 something because she is the only one I have to wake up that early for, the other kiddos do not come till after 8, so I wanted to see if she was coming or not. He sent me a text back that she would be out all week again and if I needed to fill the spot he understands. I feel like something is going on, I sent him a text back to make sure everything is ok and he said that it was and that he had an older sibling helping out with her and potty training. I really hope this is true and I wish him a lot of luck. We have a contract, he owes me a couple hundred dollars since I didn't receive a proper notice, however money doesn't even matter I am glad to be done with it all.

Thank you for all your great advice, I truly appreciate it.

Vanessa said...

A lot of parents don't get it. A child will get potty trained when he's ready to be potty trained. My charge is a couple of months shy of 3 and she just got potty trained. It took a day. She just got it. She understands the concept of asking to go potty before she wants to go. It was easy. Now she's a pro.